“The Green Lady of New Avalon: noble goals?”
Sharyn’s request to visit her homeworld of New Avalon would soon be honored. Not surprisingly, Lyara had been a great supporter of the green-skinned warrior’s quest to restore her people’s civilization to glory, so she was looking forward to this just as much as Sharyn— who, at the moment, stood with the dignified solemnity that is so greatly romanticized in her kind. She wore full battle regalia and had her red hair tied up with ribbons and bands; her sword had been cleaned and even Gwen, her irritating but seldom-seen observer droid, sparkled like new for their arrival. Lyara stood by Sharyn’s side and subtly clasped her hand as the Dauntless drew nearer to the impoverished world.
“I think I may have found where the third treasure is located,” she murmured. Sharyn did not speak; her mind was elsewhere. “If you’d like, we can visit the Helios system and search around. I’m almost certain it’s on Gaea.” Lyara loved Sharyn, and could sense her emotions better than she could anyone else’s; they were bonded for better and for worse by cords too thin to see and too powerful to cut. “Are you all right, Shar? You don’t have to be nervous. I am with you.”
“Ah, pardon me,” she said at last, removing herself from her daze. “I was lost in thought. Aye, Gaea it is, then. My people will be most exuberant. Prithee tell me, hast thou family?”
“No biological relatives, I’m afraid,” she replied. “Only this gang I led for awhile back on Avatar. As far as I know, Aseria’s the nearest relative I have.”
“To have such a harpy as her for kin sounds discomforting,” she replied, smiling grimly. She clasped her sword as the Dauntless entered New Avalon’s atmosphere, and turned around so she could be held in Lyara’s arms. Lyara didn’t say a word; she simply stroked the brave woman’s hair.
“Ready whenever you are,” said Kay, poking her head in suddenly. She blushed and jerked back. “Whoops! Are we interrupting anything?”
“You should’ve knocked first,” Tee grumbled. Sharyn withdrew and composed herself.
“Nay, we needed but a moment. I thank thee for alerting us.”
“Anytime. Mind if we stretch our legs and look around?”
“All aboard are invited, but do not expect a pleasant welcome.”
……
“This is the most pleasant welcome I’ve ever had!” Kayleigh exclaimed as flower blossoms were thrown in the air. Music sounded, the aroma of good food swam in the air, children played, people danced, and the light shined bright. New Avalon certainly wasn’t as disheveled as she had been led to believe.
“Yes, a little too pleasant,” her sister grumbled. “Something’s not right here. Either Sharyn’s out of touch, or we’re being set up.”
There was an awkward pause.
“Out of touch, you say?”
“In any case,” Teleah coughed, “we may as well accept their hospitality.” It wasn’t just the welcoming committee that seemed out of place: nearly all of New Avalon was alive with color and vitality. There were acres of picturesque farmland crowned by magnificent castles, mountains of purest sapphire with crystalline peaks in the distance, the soft singing of forests in the wind, and everywhere, the signs of prosperity borne of hard labor and strong will. The people all had exotic skin colors— not just green, but yellow, blue, red, orange, stark white, gray, black, and hundreds of hues in between— and they all spoke in the same antiquated fashion Sharyn used, even the children. It became obvious fairly quickly that something was amiss, and all eyes turned to Sharyn, demanding an answer.
“So, poverty and plagues, huh? Your people on the verge of starvation, did you say? And correct us if we’re wrong, but you said they were all desperate and poor. So what happened, Sharyn?”
“I offered thee no false testament, friends, I assure thee. A moment of your time, if ye will.” She sent Gwen off in a westerly direction and relaxed her shoulders; her sword returned to her side and she unclasped her armor, relaxing a little. “Well, I’m licked,” she stated. “They must’ve gone through with the whole, ‘Oh, we don’t need enchanted items of vast and dangerous power to help us, we can repair New Avalon on our own!’ Of course, it’s just as likely that a wizard did it.”
“Um, Sharyn?” Lyara murmured, feeling puzzled.
“Another suggestion is that these people might not be MY people, and we simply got lost. If this planet weren’t riddled with labyrinthine passages designed by drunken godless heathens kicked out of architecture school for their propositions of lunacy, I might be able to get my bearings! Now that I think about it, this looks suspiciously like the NON-plagued town that offered us handouts we were too proud to turn down. Alas, hindsight is such a merciless teacher…”
“You know,” Naja said to Lyara, “this suddenly explains so much that I’m not even going to dignify it with a death-threat. …Yet.”
“What the hell’s going on, Sharyn?” Lyara demanded. “I thought you said New Avalon was suffering! I thought you went on a quest to save them and prove yourself! I thought you could talk like fucking Shakespeare! WHAT THE HELL!”
“You already said that,” Kate reminded her. Sharyn turned to Lyara and shrugged casually.
“You don’t seriously believe I talk like that all the time, do you? That’s hard work! I’m only supposed to represent New Avalon when I’m abroad, so it’s not like I have to act like a princess when I’m at home— if this really is home.”
“So we’re lost.”
“It’s an almost certain possibility. I distinctly recall the suffering. Ah, Gwen’s come back! Maybe now we’ll get an answer to these puzzling…uh, puzzles!”
“(You might want to reconsider your romantic pursuits, elf-girl!)” Valti whispered. “(Something tells me that girl ain’t right.)”
“I swore I’d stay by her side,” she insisted, angry though she was. In the meantime…
“Gwen! Is this New Avalon?”
[Yes.]
“Strange. Are we on the opposite side of the world?”
[No.]
“Obviously she’s malfunctioning!”
[No.]
“Curse your metallic bones!”
[No.]
“SHUT UP! Where’s my family? Aren’t they with the other suffering people?”
[No.]
“There aren’t people suffering anywhere on this world, are there, Gwen?” Lyara called.
[Yes,] it replied.
“So…there are?”
[Yes.]
“See, I told you! I’m not crazy or lost after all!”
[No.]
“Malfunctioning,” she cackled, trying to dismantle the devious machine, “it’s clearly malfunctioning! This thing’s broken— that’s the only explanation! Yeah!”
“That’s not the only thing that’s broken,” Herut muttered. She sighed and decided to see what she could do to help. A mechanic Sharyn was not.
……
It turns out that the only “people” who were under any kind of stress were Sharyn’s immediate relatives and neighbors, and only because SOMEONE kept forgetting to pay the water bill (no names were suggested but everyone knew who it was). It seemed that Sharyn was a little too eager for her own good, and she liked to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion. Fortunately, by the time she found her hometown, the water supply was back on, the perpetrator severely slapped on the wrist, and all was fair and good in New Avalon forever.
OR SO THEY THOUGHT! DUN-DUN-DUNN!!
“Was that really necessary?” Lil muttered. Aseria elbowed her.
“Honey, you’re breaking the fourth wall.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“I apologize for making you all so concerned,” Sharyn said to her gathered crewmates. “The truth is that my family lineage is one of the proudest in New Avalon, and I couldn’t bear the shame of not living up to their name. I know it sounds naïve of me, but I thought a journey of self-discovery was in order. The three items I had been searching for do bring prosperity, but they were not vital to my goals. I simply needed something tangible to shoot for.”
“That sounds perfectly reasonable,” Amy said. “I think we should forgive her. She’s still young, and the passions of youth can be misleading.”
“I suppose it would be the proper thing to do,” Allegra admitted grudgingly. “But if you keep lyin’ to us, honey, you’re gonna run outta friends.”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“So New Avalon was never in any danger, was it?”
“Oh no, no, far from it! I mean, economically speaking, we’ve never been better! It’s forces from outside that doth plague us so!”
There was an awkward pause.
“Sorry,” she murmured sheepishly. “When I get all riled up, it just slips out.”
“That’s perfectly believable, albeit bizarre,” Yenae replied. “So what kind of force are we talking about? Like, weak, super-weak, pathetic, double-pathetic…?”
“More like impossible!” she exclaimed.
“Are you referring to the Void Dragons?” Lyara said.
“Yes, that’s exactly right! They live on another planet and strive to harass us! They’ve been our mortal enemies ever since we came here and drove them away!”
“(Might explain something,)” Naja muttered.
“They descend from the sky with big pointy claws of perilous death and breathe fire of unspeakable inconvenience! I mean, just imagine how long we had to go without paying the water bill, just so we could fight those fires!”
“(And so the pieces come together,)” Lil grumbled.
“They’re also as clever as snakes and harder to kill than roaches! They breathe poisonous fumes and shoot hot lasery death from their eye sockets!”
“Now you’re just making it up!” Naja said, indignated.
“No, seriously, just ask my noble father! He’s an expert on these matters! He’s confronted the Void Dragons and their sinister Queen more times than anybody!”
“So where is the old guy?” Lil said. She pointed to something descending from the sky and said, “Is that him, the suspicious figure silhouetted in the distance, the one that looks less like a human and more like a dragon?”
“No, he’d be in the fields now with mother, trying to irrigate our WAHHUUUAAATT?” Sharyn jerked around, drawing her sword, but her efforts were put to waste as the dragon-shaped figure, which could not possibly be a Void Dragon until somebody identified it as thus, waved its arm and thrust the weapon out of her hand. Uh, with magic or something.
“So, the little green freak decided to come back! And she brought some friends as well! But I have friends, too, and this time, I’ll be sure to capture and sacrifice ALL the virgins! Aaahahahahahaha— ”
“Hold it, chuckles!” Alala shouted. “Just give us a moment to catch up, all right?! We can only have so much information stuffed down our throats.”
“Oh, I’m sorry— I just got so carried away!”
“It happens,” she shrugged. Now that that unpleasantness was over with, everyone could see their new nemesis. She wasn’t so much a dragon as a human with a tail, horns, wings, and some scales— and an unusually attractive crossbreed at that. Sharyn didn’t tell her friends this (she had a bad habit of leaving vital information out of the loop), but most Void Dragons could nearly pass as humans if it weren’t for the…well, for the “additions”. Admittedly, some of them were enormous lizards capable of destroying mountains and laying waste to entire nations in a single night, but most of them were of reasonable size, and this fine lady was one of them.
“So you’re a Void Dragon,” Lyara pointed, “and it seems you two know each other.”
“Aye, that foul temptress is cursed with the name of Diana, and no wickeder foe hath I ever crossed paths with!”
Pause.
“It slipped again.”
“Evidently,” Alala noted. “Now before we all start making threats, swearing on our ancestors, or whatever it is you Medieval Fair rejects do, let’s find out what Diana the Void Dragon wants.”
“Thank you,” Diana bowed. “My needs are few and my demands reasonable. I simply want to capture every virgin in the world, including the King’s hot independent rebellious tomboy daughter, and sacrifice them to my unholy god of general nastiness so that we can finally get free television transmissions.”
“You would slaughter innocent maidens for that?!” Sharyn screamed.
Actually, we’ve been hitting the sci-fi conventions for the past few centuries. You wouldn’t believe how difficult it is to find a female virgin!”
“(Tell me about it,)” Chandra muttered. Diana resumed undaunted.
“When my people found out that a ship full of women was coming here, naturally we were on it like ants! I mean, there’s got to be like, at least twenty virgins in your crew!”
“Yeah, you’d think that, wouldn’t you?” Eve muttered. “I mean, I’m a misanthropic sociopath who prefers machines over people, and I still got laid by four different women!”
“I was number four,” Kyrie squealed.
“Well, that still leaves nineteen!” Diana would soon discover, however, that there were slim pickings aboard the Dauntless. Nobody was surprised at all when she pulled Vimmy out of the ranks— apparently she knew a virgin when she saw one— but a few people snickered when she plucked Alala as well.
“Hey, get your greasy dragon hands off me! Damn it, I’m a Felinis! I’m not supposed to be a twenty year-old virgin!”
“And yet here we are,” Herut said. Mink and Shana were with them— apparently they did not go all the way that fateful evening— and even Yenae was thrown in, to everyone’s surprise.
“Oh, don’t look so shocked,” she mumbled. “I’m obviously saving myself for my darling fluffy bums!”
“Don’t get your hopes up!” Alala snarled. Diana paused as she came to Amy Miracle— everybody knew she would capture her immediately— but she passed her over and, surprisingly, picked Lyara up off the ground.
“Holy fuck!” Naja screamed. “You’ve gotta be shitting me! There’s no way that prude little nun ever got laid!”
“Actually…” Amy blushed deeply and tried not to look too proud. “Uh, without going into detail, let’s just say that Kyle and I were very close during college.”
There was perfect silence on New Avalon as everyone, even Chandra, stood there with their mouths hanging open.
“Yes, we certainly went at it like rabbits!”
Cough.
“Sometimes more than once a day!”
Still gaping, folks.
“I even got to experiment with two guys at once! That was a real trip!”
“Okay, I think you’re finished blowing our minds,” Lil grumbled.
“Damn,” Naja whispered. “It’s always the one you least suspect.”
“Which is also why I have to pass you over,” Diana said to Sharyn. So in the end, she only found seven virgins in a crew of twenty-four women: Alala, Yenae, Herut, Shana, Mink, Vimmy, and Lyara (Rachel didn’t count).
“Wait, what?” Lyara blurted sharply. “You mean you’re not a virgin, Sharyn?”
The green-skinned warrior blushed horribly. “Uh, yeah, umm, about that…”
“I don’t even have to use my powers of perception on her, if you know what I mean!” Diana remarked, flipping her hair as she turned around to leave. Lyara suddenly turned a little green herself.
“There is so much wrong with this, and by that, I mean that everything’s wrong.”
“Hey, what are we standing around for?!” Allegra roared, pulling her rifle from her pack. “They may be virgins, but they’re still our friends! We can’t let Bitch-osaurus Rex haul em’ off!”
“We heard that, ya know!” Alala screamed.
“Allegra’s right!” Naja shouted. “If anybody’s going to be ‘taking care’ of those virgins, it’s me! Come get some, you fairy tale reject!”
“Suddenly, a rescue doesn’t sound so attractive,” Mink muttered. Diana laughed at their feeble attempts, because she knew she had an ace up her sleeve.
“Hahaha! I laugh at your feeble attempts, because I have an ace up my sleeve!”
“Is there an echo in here?” Rachel wondered.
“Fourth wall!” Aseria coughed. Diana snapped her fingers, and from out of the distance came a large ugly green troll!
“Behold, my mightiest ally, Sexually Ambiguous Troll! Sexually Ambiguous Troll, make them wish they were never born! C-ya!” And with that extremely weird introduction, Diana the half-Void Dragon rushed off with seven virgins in tow, heading straight for the King’s castle so she could make her collection complete!
“That was strange,” Kay said.
“Not as strange as this,” Tee pointed, indicating the dreaded Sexually Ambiguous Troll.
“Hi, ladies!” he (she?) lisped. “Does anybody have any cheese doodles? I hope not, cuz’ god— the temptation! Talk about a one-way ticket to thunder thighs! So let’s dish on the latest celebrity slut scandals! I hear that Captain Chuunaru slept with a pleasure unit— a FEMALE pleasure unit! Oooh, delicious!”
“I refuse to listen to these baseless allegations!” Chandra shouted. Fuuka and Athena held each other for comfort, shivering under the beady little eyes of Sexually Ambiguous Troll.
“This is the greatest disaster we’ve ever had to face, Fuu-chan.”
“I know, hold me closer.
……
For the first time ever, the ladies of the Dauntless could no longer live up to their name, but considering they were up against Sexually Ambiguous Troll, their retreat could be forgiven. Fortunately, he (she?) didn’t pursue them very far, so they managed to regroup in the town square. Sharyn knew that the Dauntless crew would not be enough to defeat Sexually Ambiguous Troll and Diana, or rescue the eight virgins (among them the King’s daughter, Princess Hot Independent Rebellious Tomboy): they would need the help of New Avalon’s Three Miughty Champions ™.
“Who are these three you speak of?” Fuuka asked.
“One of them is my father, the noble dragoon and chief adversary of the Void Dragons. They call him Sir Lance the Dragonslayer. The other two are the mighty cleric Benjamin, who is said to possess incredible healing powers, and Shawn the rogue, fast as a hawk with hands capable of pilfering anything. They are all close friends who have been on many adventures together. I would trust no one else to accomplish this mission.”
“We are here, you know,” Athena muttered. Sharyn flinched.
“I mean, accomplish it with you, of course. Heheheh!”
Cough.
“Riiiiiiiiight.” Sharyn’s father was as courteous, strong, brave, and beautiful as his daughter, without the ditzy naiveté or the overbearing pride. He was a seasoned warrior who had seen it all, with a few scars to prove it. He knelt before the ladies, smiling warmly, making more than one of them swoon.
“Sir Lance Thrustwell at thy service, fairest ones,” he proclaimed. “I have battled the Void Dragons many times. No one is as well-versed in their villainy as— ”
“Hold that thought, skippy,” Lil said. She turned to Sharyn and squeaked, “Thrustwell? Seriously?!” More than a few women snickered; Amy’s face turned very red as a huge smile creased on her mouth.
“Aye. Pray tell what humor you see in that.”
“Nothing, nothing!” she sang. “It just sounds…penetrating, is all.”
They couldn’t hold it in anymore: everyone burst out laughing.
“I don’t understand,” Sharyn said.
“Are you sure you’re not a virgin, hon?” Allegra wondered. The crew managed to calm down after awhile, but they started snickering once the other two heroes arrived. Shawn was as devilishly handsome and androgynous as you’d expect a master thief to be, but the thing is, well…
“Ooh, treasure!”
POOF!
“Aw, not again!” Everyone stood agape as he transformed from a sexy androgynous man into a sexy androgynous woman. And here they thought this adventure couldn’t get any weirder.
“Well, there’s something you don’t see every day,” Kyrie whispered.
“Clearly the result of a curse!” Rachel crowed. Fuuka gasped for joy and was about to squeal something anime-related, but Athena stopped her.
“No, Fuu-chan.”
“But— ”
“No, honey. Not this time.”
“Aww.”
“And this is Lord Benjamin, cleric extraordinaire,” Lance said.
“But she’s a woman,” Kate pointed. “And she looks really buff for a cleric.”
“That’s because I’m LIVING PROOF that there IS such thing as a strong male white mage— who has dark skin! And I’m really good at what I do!”
“But you’re clearly a woman,” Chandra said. “I can see your breasts.”
“Why are you staring in the first place?!”
“She does that,” Athena said as she shoved the pervert out of the way. “Look, quirks aside, we need to rescue everyone. Can you three defeat Diana and Sexually Ambiguous Troll?”
“Well, I am a master of stealing hearts!”
“I’ll pummel them with my MANLY STRENGTH!”
“Yes, Ruth, you’re very masculine.”
“BENJAMIN!” she (he?) roared.
“And I shall wield my spear and penetrate through their defenses with a solid, thrusting motion! I’ll pierce straight through and I won’t stop until they submit to my invincible drilling attack!”
“Father is so wonderful,” Sharyn sighed.
“Yeah, and totally not a pervert in any fashion whatsoever,” Naja groaned. Amy wiped her glasses, which had fogged over several times ever since meeting the Dragonslayer.
“Whew! Uh, I think I need to take a cold shower. You guys go on ahead.”
“With gusto!” Lance sang.
“See, she called me a guy! That means I’m a guy!” Benjamin crowed.
POOF!
“Damn it, my chances for HLS have been foiled again! Curse my sticky fingers!”
There was a pause.
“I’m starting to miss the Necropolis,” Allegra muttered.
……
“Comfortable?” Diana said to her eight captives.
“Yes, actually,” Shana replied. “Suspiciously so.”
“I don’t have an ulterior motive!” Diana exclaimed suddenly. Shana was taken aback.
“I never said you did.”
“Wow, awkward,” Herut said. Diana grinned innocently.
“Oh, heheh, of course not! Who wants cookies?”
“Ooh, ooh, ooh! I do, I do! Me-me-me!”
“Okay, you girls, one at a time,” she chuckled warmly. “Sexually Ambiguous Troll, is the next batch ready?”
“Almost! I just need to add the sugary pink frosting!”
“Excellent! Bwahaha! We can’t wage a war without sugary pink frosting!”
“Who’s waging the what now?” Herut blurted. Diana smiled at her sweetly.
“Let’s just say that I spout random nonsense from time to time.”
“Sounds credible,” she shrugged.
“You know,” Lyara pointed, “for a Void Dragon Halfling, you’re not so bad. I mean, aside from S.A.T. over here, and from all the horror stories Sharyn told me while we took baths together— ”
“AHA! I knew the plumbing wasn’t broken!” Yenae screeched.
“There goes another one,” Herut muttered.
“Aaaaanyway,” she drawled, “you seem like a fairly nice person— dragon— thing— whatever. I mean, I’m well aware that you’re going to sacrifice us to some devil-god just so you can get free television reception— which is a completely asinine way to exploit a loophole, if you ask me— but so far, I’ve got nothing but compliments.”
“Oh, I already sacrificed you all,” Diana said idly.
“The what now?”
“Yeah, it’s over, I’m finished. You all can go home if you want, or stay behind and get rid of that pesky virginity. I mean, whatever you want.”
“But…um…pardon me for my ineloquence, but…how?”
“Well, you all clearly sacrificed time out of your busy schedule, time which you could use to get rid of your virginity— ”
“Would you stop saying that?!” Alala shrieked.
“I think it’s a good use of time,” Yenae pouted.
“— so by using that sacrifice, I was able to get free TV!”
“And another one,” Herut sighed. The silence this time was much longer as everyone tried to grasp the sheer stupidity of this plan. There were just no words to describe it.
“Is that what you did with all those nerds— I mean, sci-fi aficionados?”
“Nope. I ate them.”
“You ate them?! That’s barbaric!”
“Not really. They were all wearing red shirts, so it’s okay.”
“…Oh.”
“So…we can leave?” Mink said.
“Yeah. Or you could stay and watch TV with me, Sexually Ambiguous Troll, and Princess HIRT. We have cookies and 400 channels!”
“Sold!” Shana squeaked.
“I have been hankering for some fresh-baked macaroons, and I desperately need to get caught up in my stories, do you know how long it’s been since I’ve watched TV, well, we have them on the ship, but we don’t get good reception in space, not as good as in my mansion, anyway, someone be a dear and remove these shackles, I can’t seem to move my arms and I need them for eating cookies!”
“Oh, that won’t be necessary!” Diana purred, towering over the eight helpless women menacingly. “You see, I won’t let you escape just yet!”
“Oh dear, I knew it would come to this, yes, torture, she’s as evil as they come, Lyara, you really are a poor judge of character, just look at the sadistic gleam in— ”
“Shut up!” everyone screamed. Diana said, “I’m not going to torture you, so just relax! I’m only going to seduce you all and take your virginity.”
“WHAT!!” Alala shrieked. Diana shrugged.
“I’m a dragon, this is what I do.”
“Half-Void Dragon, actually, but I beg you, please don’t rape us, I was saving myself for the client of my life, yes, maybe even a husband or two, who knows, or else someone I was to have a secret affair with— ”
“I’m not even going to touch you, so just cool it! Troll, unchain her and force her out of my secret hidden lair which has been hidden in secret from everybody for all eternity.”
Suddenly…!
“NOT SO FAST, FOUL TEMPTRESS!!!”
“Damn it!” Diana screamed. “How’d they find my extremely secret hidden lair?!”
“I swear, Benjamin, if this is ANOTHER wrong evil hideout, there won’t be a healing spell in the world that will save you!”
“Trust me, we’ve got to hit the right one eventually! We’ve only found thirty-seven of them: how many more can there be?”
Diana froze. “Oh. That answers that question.”
“Your impregnable fortress has been penetrated at last, evil wench!” Lance proclaimed.
“Dude, it seriously creeps me out when you say things like that,” Shawn shuddered.
“Prepare for a whacking! And a beating! The spear of justice shall plunge into your inner being!”
“Lance, seriously! At least wait until I’ve turned into a woman again! Ooh, a dragon’s hoard!”
COUNTLESS POOFS!
“Curse your heroic bones!” Diana screeched. “Troll, after them! Show no mercy!”
“My bones shall never be cursed, foul one!” Lance cried. Shawn (or was it Shaun?) covered his face with his hand.
“Well hello sailor!” Troll exclaimed. “What’s a stud like you doing in a cave like this? Ooh, are we going to play ‘dungeon master’? Sounds swell! Oh, light bulb goes off! Why don’t we all do brunch instead and go skating after? I know a great place, honeys!”
“Never have I faced such a malicious demon before!” Lance yelled hopelessly. “This shall require ALL the thrusting I have!”
“Uh, yeah, knock yourself out, man,” Shawn muttered. “I’ll just go, uh…‘liberate’ more treasure. Ooh, sexy hostages!”
MANY MORE POOFS! And with that last poof, the eight virgins were freed, even though one or two probably wanted to stay for the free cookies and kinky half-Void Dragon sex. As Sir Lance the Dragonslayer fought Sexually Ambiguous Troll, everyone else ganged up on Diana. Suddenly, Hot Independent Rebellious Tomboy Princess stepped in front of her, shielding her with her body.
“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! DON’T KILL HER!”
“Yeah, be nice,” Troll added.
“No, I mean…I’m in love with her!”
“Dun-dun-DUNNN!!” Rachel said.
“We’re really racking up the awkward pauses in this chapter, folks,” Herut said.
“Fourth wall!” Aseria spat.
“What can I say?” Princess HIRT gushed, cuddling next to Diana. “You get kidnapped by enough lesbian Void Dragon halflings over time, and you grow…attached to them.”
“So THAT’S why dragons are always kidnapping princesses!” Chandra exclaimed. Many an eye rolled that day.
“Waaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiit!” Sir Lance cried out, also stepping forth to shield Diana. “I too know of the seductive wiles of the Void Dragons!”
“Oh god, here we go,” Athena groaned.
“You see, the title of ‘Dragonslayer’ is not entirely accurate.”
“He’s not,” she growled. Fuuka held her hand firmly.
“He is, honey bunny. Just accept it.”
“I’m really more of a…Dragon LAYER.”
“And we never saw it coming!!” Athena screamed sarcastically.
“Then this means…” Lyara whispered. Lance nodded and looked right at Diana.
“Yes. I’m…her father.”
“Dun-dun-DUNN!!” Rachel said again.
“Okay, that’s it! I’m going back to the ship!” Herut stormed off in a rage, leaving everyone else frozen solid— even Sexually Ambiguous Troll.
“But…that means…” Sharyn couldn’t finish the sentence.
“That means you fucked your own half-sister,” Lil said, ever tactful.
“And here I thought I was the only one,” Aseria noted.
“Cool, cookies!” Shawn exclaimed.
POOF! And everything was all right from that moment on.
……
And so, with that “educational” episode out of the way, the heroes returned for a…uh, heroic welcome. Lance revealed to everyone what a player he was, and even admitted to siring children through Benjamin and Shawn’s female alter ego…among many, many others. Sharyn would have been unbearably traumatized for life, but her admiration for her father was absolute, and besides, it wasn’t as if she were all that chaste either.
“So, you and the Captain of the women’s elite, huh?” Kate pointed. Sharyn cringed.
“It was one time!”
“And that centaur, that fairy, and that maiden you rescued from the burning tower.”
“Don’t forget Princess HIRT and Jamie the milkmaid!”
“Sharyn, you stud, you!”
“SHUT UP!”
[No.]
“I’m still reeling over Amy’s little revelation,” Chandra said.
“I suppose we all have our secrets,” Lyara said. She wasn’t particularly angry at Sharyn’s indiscretions— in fact, it was a little arousing. At least she knew her friend wasn’t quite as innocent as she pretended— “Although I wonder how one congregates with a centaur.”
“I’d rather not indulge anyone,” Sharyn groaned— “but I will say it involves a stepstool.”
“Kinky,” Naja grinned, suddenly gaining a new respect for her fellow emerald-skinned lady. “Speaking of kinky, has anybody seen Amy? I’d like to treat her to an ale while we’re here.” Everyone else wondered the same, but before a search and rescue team could be assembled, Dr. Miracle quietly appeared, limping out of the Thrustwell household, appearing immensely pleased with herself. It didn’t take them long to draw a conclusion.
“You didn’t!!” Alala choked. Miracle blushed.
“Let’s just say that I found out where he got that name.”
“Oh, GOD! Woo-hoo, you go, girl! What a stud! Hey, maybe you’ll get another sibling out of this, Shar! Way to go wild, Miracle! Woo!” Aghast, Sharyn rushed to the beaming woman and grabbed her arms desperately.
“Amy, tell me thou didst not— ”
“Relax, he just showed me his family tree.”
“That is not assuring!”
“His genealogy, Sharyn! I wouldn’t cause a married man to have an affair! Besides, from what he showed me, the Lady Thrustwells have just as strong a libido as the men!”
“Ain’t that the truth!” Allegra cackled, slapping Sharyn on the back. The poor girl turned red all over and stayed that way as she boarded the Dauntless and bade her homeworld farewell.
To show that there were no hard feelings between them— that, even though she had discovered Sharyn was kind of a sex fiend, Lyara would still love her and stand by her side— lady Tanith snuck out of her room and wandered to Sharyn’s, hoping to offer her some comfort after that trying (and disturbing) ordeal. She knocked twice and was granted entrance: the room was lit with soft candles and the gentle sound of harps could be heard playing. The door closed behind her as a beautiful green warrior, secluded in the shadows, approached her, garbed in a humble white bathrobe.
“Sharyn,” Lyara greeted, feeling a little shaky. “How are you holding up?”
“Fairly well after some personal reflection. Father’s rampaging hormones aside, my family is my family, and to them I owe my honor and love.”
“Does your…mother know about all this?”
“Theirs is a marriage of convenience,” she chuckled. “Frankly, my mother is just as…virile as he is. Through their adultery, ironically, they draw closer to one another. Alas that I was their only child! Yet I can take joy in my…extended relations. Discovering my many brothers and sisters has warmed my heart.”
“That’s good. A loving family consumed by their sexual impulses is still a loving family, and for that, I envy you.”
“Thou art too sweet, dear one. So,” she purred, changing the subject quickly, “thou art a maiden still, aye? Perhaps something can be done about that.” She untied the slip around her robe and let it fall to the floor, just as the candles burned their brightest. Lyara gawked at the pure emerald before her.
“Sweet Legolas on a pogo stick!”
And they lived happily ever after.
Unfortunately, not every crewmember could be so lucky…
“Ah, excuse me, can somebody direct me to the nearest spaceport, I seem to have been left behind, I don’t understand how my comrades could’ve left me here, I’m clearly the most talented and capable, or at least the wealthiest, and that’s got to count for something, oh, won’t someone please come and rescue me, I’m tired of being the butt of every joke, I don’t deserve this!”
Poor Vimmy.
…Not really.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
Preview of next chapter
Shawn: Dude, long chapter! But I hear the next one’s gonna be EVEN LONGER!
Benjamin: So…why are we doing the previews?
Shawn: It’s called a “guest shot”, man. We were just popular enough to earn one! Ooh, an unguarded house! (POOF!)
Lance: Kleptomania aside, we should at least finish this job with the same virile energy we used to begin it! Friend Troll, wilt thou perform the honors?
Sexually Ambiguous Troll: I’d be glad to, honeys! Stay tuned for the last chapter in the “No Place Like It” saga, where the crew flies all the way to Lyara’s home planet! I hear there’s this nasty gang there that’s been looking for our little elvish sweetheart for a long time now!
Shaun: Oh no! What will happen to the extremely sexy elf that I now stand a possibility of scoring with now that I’m a woman! Ooh, somebody left their liver on the street! (POOF!) Damn it!
Lance: Times are tight and tense for our heroines, but with the right amount of courage, they can plunge through! Stay tuned for “Avatar: advent of the Night Hammer goddess!”
Benjamin: I would know a thing or two about hammers…
Sexually Ambiguous Troll: It sounds fabulous, honeys!
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