September, Monday 17th, Bedford Institute 5:05 pm As far back as I can remember, I've always been the one that's left out. You know what I'm talking about. No matter where you go, what you do, or what other people say, there's always one person in the group that looks like they just don't belong. It could be for any number of reasons: they don't look or act the same, they have a different set of beliefs, they know too little or too much, they could have a reputation, or it could just be a deliberate act of ostracizing by the others in that group. I can't pinpoint a single cause for my isolation; it seems like I got stuck with them all. In this wide world People you're meant to meet can be seen Beyond the window, beyond the rainbow I think you're aware of them Take off that restrictive weight Let your feelings go Now keep your ears open and wait for that time Awaken now Cherish the little dream you've drawn in the vast sky If you do, you can always become happy It's certain, whoa whoa! "Misfit" I was never the prettiest girl in the room, or the most outgoing, but I did my best. I acted the way I thought I should act, and tried to follow the invisible rules society always puts before you but never explains. Hell, I even made a few friends- societal outcasts like me. But I always felt like I was exposed, and whenever people looked at me, they laughed at the six-foot-four joke passing through. I never knew what they thought was so funny, but I wished they could just stop and grow up. God, I hated them so much. I wish their skin would rip off and they could roll in salt and broken glass. When I look at many of my teammates, I run through all of two emotions: jealousy or sympathy. I either envy them for their wonderful family life, or understand why they've separated themselves from that. Why is it that the people who should be closest to you can cause you the most trouble and pain? Wouldn't some people- most, even- be better off without them? Mine were distant and apathetic even before I got "worse"; I could never go to them for any problems, and they were either too busy, too tired, or too emotional to care. One time I even overheard my mother saying she wished she had that abortion. I got that sort of treatment a lot where I grew up. It was a bad part of town and not a good place for an insecure, unattractive, towering mass of psychotic paranoia to be. No, I'm not getting emotional. I'm all right. I just have a lot of anger and a lot of issues I need to vent. Things were bad back then, but they weren't unbearable. Like I said, I had some friends, especially Dinah. Yeah, I know. Just like in the story. That's what brought us together, you know. I was an ugly lost girl on stilts and she had the body of three models put together. God, people are so stupid. They were right when they classified them as animals back in the old days. I don't think there's anything that separates us; in fact, people might be even lower. They've got to realize that they all get ugly and old at the end, unless they're lucky enough to die young. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Dinah. She was the sun and I was the moon. Pretty poetic, huh? I really can't describe it any other way. She just had this light and this warmth about her that...just glowed, you know? And I soaked it all up until I was glowing too. She was...my first love. Don't get the wrong idea, Tom. I didn't know I was gay until I came here, and the only reason I came out was to put the guilt trip on my worthless parents so they'd scramble to make up for all the shit they put me through. I mean, I'm gay, Tom, and I'm not going to hide it. I know I'm gay and I know I'm a freak. I'm not some spineless sissy that can't even admit these things. But I didn't love Dinah like that. It was...better than that. It's the same kind of love that a really old couple have for each other. Have you seen that?- when they've been together so long that all the fiery passion, the seduction, and the raw energy has left, and it seems like they have no reason to stay together, besides companionship, and yet they love each other more than any newlywed? Dinah and I had that sort of thing. Well...I had that sort of thing with Dinah. I just think she stuck by me because she had nobody else. Oh, who am I kidding? I was the same. Look, about that time... You've got enough in those papers to know what happened without me telling you. I lost control and I had to be taken away. You know, I'm not going to be one of those fuck-ups who blame their parents. I'm not some wimpy kid who has to keep up this infallible image. I'm just fucked-up in the head and I'd probably be like that if my folks were good people, and I had everything going my way. Why do I say that? Do you want me to blame someone? People think I'm stupid, but I'm smart enough to take responsibility. I lost control. I attacked Dinah. I got taken here and locked up until they could fix me. Do I think I've made progress? I haven't gone plumb loco yet, have I? I could use a break. - Valencia Durante, Favorite color: green and pink; goalie- So you want to know what's been going on since we last talked, right? Well, I'll skip the whole thing surrounding my soccer experience since I'm sure you've been following the games. We're supposed to play a few more before they decide if we're good enough. I'm not comfortable showering with the others, but Rain and Lauren encourage me, and...they're really good people. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to fit into that group and...you know what? I think we're all misfits. None of us could go anywhere else, so we were clumped together and forced to rely on each other's quirks to get by. I like it. Signing up was the best thing I've ever done...but I'm sure I'm just holding them back. I suck every time I get out there and play. But I still go out anyway; I want to give them something, anything, even if it's just the small stuff. Rain's been good to me, but I'm sure she's not serious about a relationship. We hang out a lot and fool around, but I think we're better as friends. She's kind of a wild girl, you know, and I don't have the heart to tame something like that. Just being there for me and cheering for me is good enough. I've never had that sort of thing before and...I really like it. She knows just what I'm going through; she's even more messed-up than I am. She's just like Dinah, you know, so bright and warm. I really do love her. I'm not sure about the others- I mean, they're mostly nice girls, even though a few of them are real bitches. I still don't feel like I belong with them, even though they're misfits. So many of them are rich, popular, beautiful, energetic, fun... What can I do? What can I give? Our next game came up before we knew it. We didn't have much time to train, so we put as much as we could into it and hoped for the best. I don't know what Leena meant by "boot camp", but she dragged us outside before the sun came up and made us work out until we were beat. Rain and I shared a shower and we walked to class together. I don't have a job, so I'm at the field a lot, mostly just emptying my mind and making sure I don't disgrace my friends. You know how some people meditate by sitting cross-legged and moaning? The way I do it, see, I go out there and I practice, hard. I go running, I dribble the ball, I kick it- sometimes I even have company. I keep to myself for the most part, though, even when they run over and start talking. They're just bored. I know they'd never talk to me if someone more interesting came along. Anyway, we all spent the entire week getting ready for our game. I hear we've got five of them lined up, and we can actually lose a few and still pass. I don't know how these soccer things work out; I just want to concentrate on what I'm supposed to do. Practice, shower, hang out with Rain or Lauren, go home, do stuff, have sex... Do you think I lead a boring life? God, I'm so tired right now. You've heard that "the spirit is willing but the body is weak", right? I'm drained in body and soul. I feel like I could just collapse and sleep like Rip Van Winkle. I don't have any energy, and my arms feel like lead weights. It doesn't help that this couch is so comfortable. Listen, do you think I could go home and take a nap? I mean, I need a vacation, but it feels like just a few hours of rest could do me good. Thanks. Yeah, I'll see you later. - Fleur Lacroix, Favorite color: unknown; right midfielder- What do I want to talk about today? I don't know. I guess whatever comes to mind. Isn't that what we've been doing? Um...hey, can I ask for some advice? Do you think I should get like a job? I mean, I don't need the money, but lately all I've been doing is school and soccer, and let's face it, I'm not making the world a better place that way. I don't know, maybe I'm just bored and I don't feel right unless I'm doing something. Tom, why do you think some people fall in love with people of their own gender? Is it some kind of birth defect? Do they go that way by choice? Are they born with a better balance of testosterone and estrogen? Lately I've been giving it some thought, since it seems like a lot of the girls on my team are hooking up with other women. You don't mind if we just gossip for awhile, do you? I mean, Rain and I talk about this a lot, and lately I've been opening up to Lauren, but it feels like I haven't said everything yet, and I kind of want a new face to speak to. Ah, thanks! Okay, you know about me and Rain, right? I wouldn't go so far as to call myself her girlfriend, but we're pretty close. There's this other girl on the team, Nadia, a little too sweet for my tastes, but she's got this really pretty girlfriend- Elisa, right?- and god, they're so frickin' cute together. It's like...intense! Hahaha. Okay, um...well, our manager's "out", which we learned the fun way during our vacation at her house. She was kind of shameless about it. Now me, I couldn't handle two girls, even if we did love each other. Kasumi's right: it's better with just two people. Oh, she's going out with the team heartthrob, Valencia. They're really beautiful together. I am so jealous. Who else? Well, Fausta keeps telling us she's got a girlfriend, but so far, we've not seen hide nor hair of her. I think Jen's dating, too, but I don't know her very well, and...uh...hmm. There's sixteen of us and I can never keep good track. Oh, right! Felicity and Amy! Yeah, they started going out. It makes a lot of sense if you know them a little. They're sort of like me- well, not really, but... Yeah, like I said earlier. Misfits. Just give me a moment. I'm so tired. Leena's starting to run us ragged. Hey, you've spoken to her, right? You should know if she's single or not! All right, so she's a little older than me. ...Okay, a lot. But that other girl, uh...Kathlyn! She's not. Damn, what am I doing? I'm not the kind of person who should be in a relationship. Dinah and Rain are the closest I'll ever come. It's as close as I deserve, anyway. Yeah, I know I need to be with people, but really now! Can you see me with someone? Do I look like the kind of person anybody would fall in love with? Look at me, Thomas!! I'm a wreck!! ...Sorry, I'm just frustrated, and I'm still tired. We've got a game coming up soon and I've been working really hard. I'm not used to this sort of thing. Tom, I can't be cut away from this team. I don't want to. It's the only place I've ever felt was "mine". How much time do we have left? Okay, let's see. What other bats can I clear out of the closet? How many names did I mention earlier? Let's see if we can't dish on the rest. So I have five left? Let's see...ah. Now Shannon and Terra are interesting cases. See, I thought Jen was straight, and she keeps on telling us that, but I know she's dated at least two girls before. But Shannon and Terra are definitely straight- well, Shannon is, at least. She...really doesn't get along with the group as a whole. She's not a bad person, it's just that she has an extreme personality, and since she's not the only person like that, she clashes a lot with the others. I mean, take Fausta and Fleur. Total opposites, right? And they're both super-divas or something. Fleur's like, asexual or something, but she'll sleep with just about anybody, it seems, and Fausta's a big egoist. You get people like that together with Shannon, and there's trouble. It's really hard for me to focus when they're fighting and rubbing against each other like that. Who am I leaving out? It's so hard to keep track of them all. I told you about Fleur, right? She's got issues even I wouldn't touch. She's some kind of...emotional or social masochist or something, I don't know. She's beautiful, I'll say that much, but that beauty's only skin deep. I really don't like her. Lauren's totally the opposite, though: really friendly and warm. I mean, she's just as messed-up as I am, which is why she likes me so much, I guess. If I had to have a girlfriend, I'd probably want it to be her more than Rain. She feels like the kind of person you could really settle in with. Who else? Ah, Arina! I forgot about her. Our other straight girl...but I guess a team this diverse couldn't operate without deviants. Frankly, I...you know, a women's soccer team. I know it's profiling, but I thought everyone here would swing that way. I was just as surprised when I learned they were all very different. God, I don't even know what Arina's deal is. She's got everything, Tom, and we all agree that she's the prettiest woman on the team. Well, her and Freya. But...god! It's like nothing's ever good enough for her! All she ever does is preen and give us that weird look of hers, like she's studying us for one of her god-damned papers. She's rich, smart, beautiful...you'd think she'd be leading the perfect life. I don't know why some people like to make things more complicated than they are. And she likes Fleur, too! Pfft. Her and Rain are the only people that do. Fleur is hopeless, Tom. People like her make me thankful for the things in my life, and I'm not usually thankful! Whew. I'm glad I got all that off my chest. It's just...sometimes I need to vent and there are certain people you can't vent to. Lauren and Rain don't mind- they've got some weird fixation on me- but I'm not as close to the others. Yeah, I guess I should be going now. I've got some homework to do and some sleep to catch up on. I guess the next time we meet, the game will be over and I'll have new things to talk about. Take care. - Rain Howlet, Favorite color: orange; defensive midfielder- You want to know how the game went? How about all the gory details? Okay, I'll tell you. It all started well enough. We were going up against a large school you've probably never heard of called Carlisle. It was an away game, but we didn't have to go far. I was in the dressing room with everyone, just goofing off and, uh...taking in the sights. Look, Tom, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm gay, and a lot of the girls on my team are gorgeous. I mean, Fleur said that not a one of them was unattractive, except maybe for me, and that's one of the few things she's said that I agree with. So anyway, I was checking everybody out- because I'm only human- and then Fausta goes and bitches to us about how we're not taking this seriously. You know what I did? Well, I was already dressed, so I walked right up to her and stared her straight in the eye. "You know what, Fausta?" I said. "Fuck you." I walked away, and...oh, lordy, I felt like I was on drugs. Seriously, Tom, that was like the best feeling ever. I was...bursting. And a few of the others laughed and clapped! So a nice start to our legacy, right? Well, I hate to say it, but that ghibli was right. ...Uh, that's Italian for "hot air"; it's sort of her nickname. Anyway, Carlisle totally took us by surprise in the first half. Arina, Lauren, Elisa, and I were benched while the others were out there playing. God, I wanted to get out there and see what I was made of. I mean, I guess I can understand Leena's line of reasoning. No matter how hard I work or how much I train, I'll never be as good as any of them. She only took me in because you asked her to. I am such a failure. Okay, just give me a moment. I shouldn't talk like that, I know. Rain and Lauren like me, and Dinah still likes me, and that's good enough. Oh, uh, I got in touch with her not too long ago, and...yeah, she called me and we talked. She's coming over to visit next weekend. Yeah, I'm happy. I was actually thinking about that more than the game, which is probably why Leena didn't send me out. I was too distracted. We did okay, I guess, but Carlisle totally took us for a ride. It was worse than Anolis. I mean, we weren't even playing a very good team, Tom. It's like we got lazy and comfortable all of a sudden and forgot what we came together to do. I begged Leena to send me out at halftime, but she argued that she had no reason to, not yet. She traded Terra with Elisa but kept everybody else. Rain gave me a hug I desperately needed. We spent all of halftime in each other's arms. "So, you and Howlet, huh?" Lauren grinned at me as we went back to the bench. I shrugged. "I suppose. I can't really see myself in a relationship." "Aw, that's a shame! You'd be a great girlfriend! Hey, uh, if you're not attached or nothing, I'd love to fill in the hole! Um...not in that way, I mean. Not yet, anyway." I just smiled sadly at Lauren and said nothing. She scooted next to me and took my hand. "Dude, seriously, Al, you should give it some thought. I mean, you're not married, are ya, and who knows, it might be fun. Oh, shit, there I go again. Hey, if something's wrong, you can bitch at me. I can take it." "I'm just tired," I said, rubbing my forehead. And I was. My body was all right but my soul felt drained. She let me lay my head down on her lap and played with my hair. "And I'm a little lonely, too," I added quietly. "Hey, that's what you got me for. Whoa, look at that ghibli run! She's taking this stuff way too seriously. She should really relax and just enjoy the moment. Damn, Alice, you're lucky. I would've tapped that if Fausta wasn't such a fiend." "Thanks," I chortled darkly. Lauren and Fausta? Could this be Nazario's secret girlfriend? Most of us assumed she didn't have one and was jerking around with us. I decided to test the waters. "So are you interested in her?" "Shit, I dunno," she mumbled with a smile. "I mean, that girl gets on my nerves like nothing else, but...I can't get her outta my mind. I kinda hate her and I kinda like her, too. And she's not even my type. I'm more of a femme-lover." "So you'd like people like, uh...Felicity and Elisa?" "Oh hell yes," she grinned. "But the thing is that so few of them would be into a gal like me! I mean, seriously. The whole butch-and-femme thing might be a cliché, but these days, who knows? Arina sure doesn't go for it." "How did you two manage to be friends, anyway?" "The same way she made friends with La-croicks, I guess," she gestured. "We met in psych class way back when and she thought I was an 'interesting case'. Essylt's crazier than I am, you know- and I think she's secretly bi-curious." "Who wouldn't be with you around," I sighed. Lauren laughed, said "damn right", and kissed my forehead. I leaned up and kissed her mouth, feeling my blood surge. She had deep, rich lips that are firm and strong, almost masculine, and full of love. We smiled awkwardly at one another and I told her I'd give her offer a bit of thought. "What are you lookin' at?" she grinned at Terra. "You're next, you know." "On your date list?" she squeaked. Lauren laughed. "Sure, why not? You've got a great nose." "Nose?!" Lauren burst out giggling. "Yeah, a cute sexy nose. What, did you think I'd compliment that sweet little bum of yours?" Terra turned red and focused on the game, silently ignoring her. I laughed and reached up to hold Lauren's cheek in the palm of my hand; she looked breathtakingly beautiful. "Me first, okay?" "Oh, so is that a 'yes'?" I nodded my head; she smiled and caressed my face. I sure hope I looked half as pretty as she did. All this time, of course, the game was going on, but we were lost in our own world. It wasn't until the alarm sounded that I knew that we had failed our debut performance. "Ah well," Lauren smirked. "Ya win some, ya lose some."
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