September 5th, Wednesday, Hill n' Dale Apartments 7:05 am "You're late again. You didn't call. You told me you'd call whenever you'd be running late." "We had a big emergency meeting. What do you care, I got paid double overtime!" "What do you mean, what do I care? We had plans tonight and now I have to cancel them!" "I'm sorry, all right?! Maybe I should've asked Lance to hold off the system so that it could spontaneously crash at a more convenient time!" "Don't give me excuses! You couldn't even take five minutes to call me?" "Maybe not when the whole system's down and my time's no longer my own! But the way you spend the money, maybe I should stay at the office longer!" "I spend only what I earn! I work just as hard as you and it's not fair to accuse me of anything!" "All right, but you'll notice I didn't raise such a stink when you came home late!" "Sometimes I wonder if you care at all! If my life mattered half as much as your job..." "What the hell do you think I married you for?! I'm not there because I want to! I have a family to raise and a mortgage to pay!" "And don't you think I wanted to stay home? I can't count the number of times I've missed something important in Jen's life because I had to give it up for a paycheck!" "Don't you dare drag her into this. It's bad enough that you vilify me without adding our daughter to the mix!" "I'm not making you out to be the bad guy! I just wanted you to call me so I wouldn't have wasted all that time wondering and scrambling to change our plans!" "This conversation is over! I'm going to bed! You can sleep on the couch; just don't come near me!" "Why should I have to sleep on the couch?! You're the one that came in late!!" Hi. I'm Jennifer Andre, and until a few years ago, this was my daily life. And people dream dreams that transcend time Held in the arms of a still sea As they looked up at the birds and clouds It set their ephemeral souls on fire on a thousand mornings I bet they're taking flight to where the light is headed Now is the time to launch your dreams Off into the frontier that is carrying boundless dreams Farther and farther, dive in the sky "Andre the Giant" Now I know you're wondering, "why should I care about this bird?", and that would be a justifiable question. I'm not tall, I'm not pretty, and though I have my friends, I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm popular either. As a matter of fact, when you stack me up against other people, there's really nothing that makes me stand out. Kind of sad, right? Don't feel bad for me; I'm used to it. I can't help being short, and I can't help getting lost in a crowd. My parents are divorced now, but other than that, I can't say anything really tragic happened to me. I've got a job, I'm going to school, I get plenty of exercise, I date, I have fun... I'm your all-around girl next door, just somebody you don't normally notice. For the longest time, I had never led what you could call a life of meaning. I was simply one existence amidst billions, a little speck on a blue ball using up energy and contributing very little to the well-being of the societal machine. I'd tune out my parents and wished they'd shut up for more than three minutes, or else I grabbed my headphones and turned the volume up high. That was my world back then, a private sanctuary where my eyes and my ears didn't have to feel entirely trapped within the humdrum existence of suburbia. I doubt my parents really cared if I frittered away my time on games; I earned sufficient grades and kept up a social life when I could. But there were times when it got so bad that even my headphones didn't work, and then I had to impose and sleep in an unfamiliar bed. People that didn't know me very well are surprised when I mention some of my hobbies. My gamer friends can't believe a nerdish junkie like me plays sports; my sports friends are shocked to learn little Miss Jock spends so much of her time in front of the telly. Television- a screen. My British slips out sometimes but I've almost been completely Americanized; we moved here from London before I went to the seventh grade because of the divorce. Bah, I've gotten distracted. My point is that you can never really know a person, and just when you think you do, they can surprise you. Like...my first boyfriend, Thomas. Lovely boy, but I had break it off with him because of the move. He was sweet as a plum until I told him. I'd never seen anyone act so upset before until then. I had loved him, but his pathetic whining made me rethink my perspective. It's really a kicker when you can surprise yourself. My decision to join Carnegie's soccer team wasn't revolutionary: I've been playing ever since I could walk, and I joined my first team in the third grade. I have a few trophies, but I just stick them in a closet: they're only symbols, and I don't like to look at them, not even for nostalgia. The real slap to my senses came around high school, when I had my first serious crush on another girl. I can't say for certain if I'm bisexual or anything like that- I don't believe in "set in stone" definitions or "one size fits all" labels like that. We're not cows and we're not to be branded like them (that's what I'd like to say, but really now! Some people!). But I digress. Bertie was something else and I had been attracted to her for a year at least; I just thought it was natural to be drawn to certain people, and when I talked about it to a few friends (I could never open up to my parents about anything, not even the simplest problems), they called me all sorts of names and a few abandoned me. That had a profound impact on my perspective of the human relationship, and along with my parents' divorce, I have never quite recovered my earlier, more innocent enthusiasm. Back to Bertie. I had no support amongst the few friends that were left and there was no place where I could "go" to be with people of like mind. I had seen what happened to "queers", and it wasn't a pleasant study: they either had to stand up on their own, work in groups, suffer, or be silent. But my love for Bertie was pure. I liked being with her; she challenged me; she saw my darker side and smiled; I trusted her. Is that so odd? One of my favorite books as a child (and still is) was Anne of Green Gables, which described a close relationship between two young ladies. What was so despicable about that? I thought it had been sweet! I loaned Bertie the book and she liked it; I discussed my uncertainty with her once I felt I had enough support and courage, and things took off. It wasn't fair at all to call us lesbians or lovers, or to imply at all that we had anything like that. We kissed and held each other and were intimate, and I suppose we were in love, but... It's incredibly hard to describe. I toyed with the idea that she was my girlfriend, but that's not what she was to me. Bertie was dear and honest; I could finally reveal my innermost feelings to someone and have their confidence; I could be comfortable, for once, and take the headphones off. She was beautiful and she had a lovely voice; I had missed out on a lot. We were far more than best friends but not nearly lovers- somewhere in that ambiguous limbo, balanced perilously on a wire, and a soft touch in either direction could send us plummeting. Somehow we kept our balance and found ways to love each other fiercely, but not lose ourselves in passion. It was very like being married. But no good thing can last: we had to break up after two years of this romance (she was the one who had to move! O the irony!), and we lost touch over the lonely days and weeks and months. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she's forgotten about me and moved on, maybe even married. That's just the way people are, I guess. You've heard the question, "which came first: the chicken or the egg". A lot of people wonder whether I got into video games first, or sports. Frankly, I don't know. I got into both as a defensive measure against my parents' incisive fighting; it kept strong even when we moved, and they divorced, and I lost my faith in relationships. They're each a staple of my livelihood and I can't see myself giving them up. They were (and still are) comforts to me. Mum and father are rather emotionally abusive and try to placate me with material gifts and money, but they don't get involved with me. They're not interested. It's like I'm a commodity, an obligation, and not a person. I expect strangers to not care, but not my own family. Well, at least my brothers are still sensible people, and there's no more violence between mum and father. Time has quelled the storm, and when I moved out, I achieved a sense of freedom that can only properly be described in song. I have to admit that even I didn't expect such diversity in the new team. I anticipated silly giggling schoolgirls floating and flirting around, ugly dykes ripped with muscle, femmi-Nazis, and dull-witted jocks a few branches away from Neanderthals. I certainly didn't anticipate finding people whose interests are like mine (ah, dear Terra!), or people whose problems drastically exceed my own. What's a divorce and lost faith in relationships compared to what Fausta and Alice have lost, or the anguish Felicity had been suffering through, or the poverty Kasumi had been living in? It actually made me feel grateful for my normality, but it also made me feel even more isolated. There's nothing like being unexceptional in a group full of outstanding people. Once again I felt lost- and being the smallest on the team certainly didn't help. I don't radiate a "cute" feeling and I'm not what you'd call particularly perky; there's nothing that makes me stand out. How unfortunate. - Jen Andre, Hobbies: humor books, Winnie the Pooh; defensive midfielder- "Welcome to Game Stop." I looked up from my magazine and smiled plainly. I've worked here long enough to know when the rushes start, and this was not one of those times. People trickled in as gradually as water drips from a stalactite, some browsing, some buying. I couldn't bother to show any particular enthusiasm for them; I mostly just left them to their own affairs and occupied myself until a crowd formed. This particular young man perused the dwindling PS3 section, looked disappointed, and hopped outside to give another store a try. I knew what he was feeling and shared that young man's frustration with modern games. I was born right around the time when they were in their golden age (or so I like to believe): the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis were all the rage and dorks like me couldn't help but rush home to play. My first system was the Playstation, and I still have fond memories of some of those old games- but these days, it's all about pomp and flash, no soul at all (now where have I said that before?). God, thinking like that makes me feel old. "Welcome to Game Stop," I said again as I heard the door chime. My mood brightened considerably when two of my new friends came into the store. I knew for a fact that Kasumi and Terra were avid gamers when they could get the time, and they enjoyed the older classics as much as I did. I still had Terra's keychain and several victories under my belt; I hoped she was taking care of my Super Nintendo. "Hey there! What brings you all here?" "I thought you rescheduled for the weekend," Terra said as she hovered around the counter. "I did, but my manager said they needed someone to cover a shift, and I was the only one available." "Oh. Say, do you have anything in the vein of a good multiplayer for the Xbox 360? Or is that going back too far?" "No, I still have a few games left. Hey, have you ever played Final Fantasy Thirteen?" "Naw, I quit after the travesty of X-2. Why, is it any good?" "It's like...comparing the Star Wars prequels to the originals." "I've never seen those movies." "Are you serious?!" squealed the third in their group. "I thought everyone on Earth saw them!" "Sometimes I really do think Vietnam is on another planet," Terra grumbled. I failed to mention that Robin was there with them, presumably to impart some advice or else scout for another game for her weekly session. I didn't say anything earlier because Robin and I go back a long way; I knew her while I still lived with my mother, and we had even been roommates for a time before I found my own place. I'm not embarrassed to say that I have a big crush on her, but I doubt anything could come from it. I am wary of relationships, after all. "Seriously, you have to see Star Wars at least," I said. "And not the new version- the original. We don't carry DVDs here anymore, but Robin can let you borrow her copy." "I don't mind," she shrugged. "And you also have to play Final Fantasy Thirteen," I insisted. The game was fairly inexpensive and since Terra trusted my judgment, she gave it some thought. Kasumi appeared better-versed in Microsoft's products and handed me a stack of games, including Gears of War 2 and Guitar Hero 3. "I think this is all," she said. I looked through them and discarded a few. "I've played these- they're not worth your time. But the rest are excellent. Just let me ring them up." "Cool. Robin, money." "Take this one out as well," she said, smarmily removing another game. She smirked and added, "I have that one, thank you. I never buy the same game twice." "You never told me." "You never asked." Terra giggled and skimmed through the impulse items: sometimes we have nifty trinkets and novelties up front. She squealed and grabbed a Zero Suit Samus keychain, which I rang up with a smile. "I've got a plushie, too," I said. "She and Mario team up a lot to fight Darth Vader." "You sounded so much like Gardenia just then that it's scary," Robin exclaimed. I smirked and decided to make idle conversation now that our business was finished. "So have either of you heard anything about that third practice game? I know we're going up against Lovelace, but that's it." "I've been out of the loop myself," Terra admitted. "Kathlyn said it'll probably be held this Saturday," Kasumi said. "We share a class together. If that's really the case, it won't leave us any time to prepare. Bet you can guess who set that one up." "I know. I swear, that guy must want us to fail! I'm still a little bruised from the last match. That reminds me, how's Fleur doing?" "Fleur Lacroix? She was walking the last time I saw her," Robin murmured. "Oh, really? That's some good news. I mean, nothing against Alice or Elisa..." "Yeah, we're definitely going to need her for this one," Kasumi grumbled. "Even though she is a stone-cold bitch. Where is Lovelace? Does anybody know?" "Out of state somewhere- up northwest, I think." "Ah. Is it pretty far? Kathlyn said we might have an 'away' game." "That sounds fun," Terra said. "A change of scenery would be nice." "Yeah, but that leaves us without an advantage. At least with Anolis, we were on our own field." The store became quiet as the three of us dwelled on a rather grim topic. Robin cheered us up and made Terra's doll kiss her Zelda keychain. "It's just one of those things you have to do. Look, see? They're in love! Ohh, kiss me you wild princess! Ohh yes! You look so sexy in chains! Who needs that fairy-boy Link? You're more manly than he is!" "Hey, I like Link!" Terra snatched her toy away and marched off, waving at me and glaring at her boss. Kasumi and I weren't nearly as close and so our farewell was a little cold; Robin stuck around, though, which made me feel glad. Sometimes she's so beautiful and warm that I can't stand it. I know she's also a little stuck-up and sarcastic, and she makes cutting remarks and teases people, but it's only an act: she doesn't want people thinking she's a "perfect lady" or an innocent maiden. She can't help but look the way she is, but she can control her actions- it's something I understand all too well. I'm short; so be it. But I don't have to act tiny. I can try to be exceptional too...even though I may fail. "Jenny, we don't get very many chances to talk, do we?" This question came as a surprise. I have always considered Robin a close friend of mine, but she was right. We never spoke much outside of Wednesday nights, but I always assumed we had a "thing" and certain aspects of our relationship were just "understood". "No, not really. Not about anything besides games and small-talk." She took a deep breath and looked into my eyes. I couldn't match her stare though it hurt to look away. "What do you want to do with your life, Jenny? I know you've got plenty of money, and that this place is just a means to an end, but you've got to want something more than that." "I'm still young, Rob," I said, smiling lightly. "Right now I just want to enjoy my life." "I know, and that's fine. I'm just wondering if you have any ambitions. Parody's my baby; I'll keep it all my life and pass it on to my children, if and when I get any. I'm happy with my choice. I know you won't be here forever; I just don't know what you'd like to do. Well, you don't have to answer. I've always been curious and now...I'm probably coming off as absurd. I'm not your mother." "Thank God for that," I groaned. Mum fed me those same lines more than once but her tone was far from friendly. "Anyway, I don't like to plan too far ahead. If something goes wrong, it could unravel everything." "Then let's ask about the short-term plans. What if the team loses the match? What will you do?" "I dunno. Have a good cry and get back to my studies, I guess." Robin seemed satisfied with that answer and pressed on. "What about...relationships? Let me finish first. I know about your past experiences, but that's no reason to quit altogether. You're a good person and it'd be nice if you found someone to invest your time in. Oh dear God," she groaned, covering her face, "I must be getting old to preach like that!" "You could always volunteer your services," I teased. I hadn't meant to let the cat out of the bag, but maybe she wouldn't take me seriously with my tone like that. The thought crossed her mind, obviously- and when is anything we say ever entirely in humor?- and she smirked at me. I think my face must've been red but I held my ground. "Now that's an idea. I could actually use a break from all the crazy relationships I've been in lately. At the very least, I suppose we deserve to spend more time together. I have missed you." "I m...missed you too," I murmured, now very serious. The truth was that I was just as attracted to Robin as I had been to Bertie; I couldn't help it. I still won't dare classify myself as homosexual, but this was the second woman I've had these feelings for. Was there still nothing wrong with me? "Tell you what," she said, after overcoming her own inner conflicts. "Let's make a deal. If Carnegie wins this next practice game, I'll go on a date with you. If you can manage to score a goal... Well, we'll discuss that part later. But don't lose, Jenny. People without a goal...they don't last very long in this world." She smiled and touched my face, a gesture more meaningful and powerful than sex itself. We had never interacted on such an intimate level and it was like a jolt of adrenaline. For the rest of my life, I would remember that touch and think back to it whenever I needed a little boost: it was my hope and my strength, though Robin's intentions might not have been so grand. "Sure," I muttered as the little bird slipped away. "I'll hold you to it." How their hearts thrummed as two extraordinary spirits parted back into the mediocre world. - Jennifer H. Andre: 20, Computer science major, 5'3" (1.6 m), born April 18th, Aries, 115 lbs (52.3 kg), English, likes humor books, Winnie the Pooh; defensive midfielder- After I got off work, I jogged back home, took a shower, and brushed up on my Guitar Hero before going to Parody for game night. I had finished my homework earlier, during a long period of inactivity at work, so I felt like I deserved some fun. Of course, I still stuck to my diet and my sleeping habits, and left early so I could get plenty of rest. I wondered if we would really go out of state for the game, and if we really had a chance or not, and what Robin had in mind if I actually made a goal. Despite all my experience, I've only scored a few times over my entire lifetime: my specialty seems to be defense, and I can never get very far into the opposing field. Besides, how could I compete with people like Kasumi, Shannon, or Fausta? The thought that occupied most of my time, before sleep finally came and threw me into the dark, was why such an exceptional lady would be interested in ordinary little me- and why, why, why was I attracted to her, and to Bertie, and to so many others I'm afraid to mention. It can't possibly have anything to do with homosexuality: I don't feel anything when we're in the showers together, and dating Valencia never felt like this. I can't tell which extreme feels more unnatural- to be drawn or not drawn to other ladies- and I can't understand why I want to be with Robin even after everything I've seen and everything I've known. I know I'll regret it in the end, but here I am, putting my hand in all the familiar places, thinking of her as I lull myself to sleep. There's nothing different about me. I'm just a girl. I go to school. I have my friends. I've got my morals. There are truths I believe in. I have hobbies, pastimes, concerns, treasures, and regrets. I can't stand my parents but I love my brothers. I want to make video games for a living. And that's all there is. Jennifer Harmony Andre. Shaking in frustration.
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