"Thursday's Child has Far to Go" That Valentine's was on a Monday that week made no difference; Vairocana Knox was still mired in her standard fit of depression. She cursed the day and anything associated with it, and to a greater extent, hated all holidays in general, especially the winter ones. Every single one stung her, deep and wide and venomously, burrowing into her guts with the flaming cry of Loneliness. All those special days designed for couples to share—fah! What a waste. What filth. What mocking gaiety, what sense of falsehood, what torment! That Vai was alone, unloved, and unknown for the umpteenth February the Fourteenth in a row was like a curse, a curse upon her and her existence, for whatever grave sin she had committed in some other life. But what else could explain it? She had no friends, and nobody that really cared for her. There was Avelina, yes, but hadn't she been prodded into acquaintanceship? Hadn't she been bugged into those actions? She may have been sweet, but Vai had to face facts: if Avelina had been left up to her own devices, she wouldn't even set foot in the school, let alone anywhere near Vai's vicinity. God forbid anyone approach her and be friendly to her. These thoughts hadn't begun to seriously manifest until around her late sophomore year. They grew disproportionately, festering and stinking like a spreading bog, uncontrollable and malicious. She hated herself and everything else so much. She just had to contemplate her own demise sometimes: what would it be like, if it even took place at all? If she died, would anyone be there to mourn her, to speak for her, to give her last rites? Would they say the right things? Would anybody even know? Vai looked forward to death on more than one occasion. It would be a good way to get out of that ridiculous world that hated her so much, out and about, into whatever was next. Heaven or Hell, it didn't matter. Hell couldn't possibly be worse than the life she was in. For what truly was Hell? Eternal torment and agony? Well she had that here, didn't she? Loss of friends and loved ones? What friends, what loved ones? Absence from God? For all she knew, God was already absent, or worse, He was having a jolly time, laughing away at her misery, kicking her in the ribs after each blow, rolling and screeching to His angels: "See?! This is what we're fighting against! This is what I hate! We'll make it suffer! Come join the fun!" And then thousands of benevolent angels, servants of the all-loving God, would aide in her torture, and they would have such fun doing it too. It was clear to her that the Bible was all lies, that God was a cheat and a con artist, and everything related to the church was rotten and untrue. A God that loved her? Nonsense! A God that would always be there and never abandon her? Um, no, that was wrong, unless they meant the sadist that was always present? And what about that part that says that it was bad for people to be alone? Well hello, who was this, but poor foolish Vairocana Knox, alone and miserable, aching for somebody to love her, just love her, just to be there for her, without swinging their gavels and giving her answers she never asked for. She hated it. She wanted to die so much—being away from it all would be so great! February 14th, 2005, Vai Knox got out of bed, showered, and headed out the door for school. ...... She reasoned the only way to beat the merciless, lying God was to fight back. So for every hope that was crushed, every attempt at normality shot down, every opportunity lost and every setback possibly thrown in her way, she would fight through it and shake her fist all the harder. "I've won!" she'd say, cursing the heavens. "I've beaten you, mother-fucker! How do you like that, huh? You don't, huh? Well get used to it, you fucking pus-bastard! I'm gonna be your worst enemy here on Earth! You wanna know why? Because you'll never win against me. Oh, what's that? You gonna kill me for blasphemy? Well do it! Do it, bitch! Kill me! I know you won't, because that's exactly what I want, and you wouldn't dare give me what I want! Oh no! So I've already won! Oh what's that? You're gonna fight me too? Well it's nothing that I haven't seen before, so you just try. You just try, fool." Vai was no Job. She had a breaking point, and it had been crossed violently. She gladly cursed God, hating Him and everything He made, even herself. What kind of monster would create something so volatile as Man anyway, especially since He also foolishly gave them free will, thus giving them the option to sin. He may as well present them before the Mona Lisa, give them spray cans, and tell them not to use them the wrong way! Or show them to a button that says "Do not press", then walk away! Vai hated God. She just hated everything. The only reason she even went to church anymore was for the faint possibility that somebody, during some service, would come up to her and just be a friend, no strings or verdicts attached. And of course that would never happen. Everybody had advice, and answers, and judgments to decree. The only way she kept sane—or for that matter, alive—was her stories. Vai wrote to escape the world, but now, she wrote for a purpose. She wrote so that she'd have an excuse to keep living. But that was all. ...... She wondered if she'd ever get the chance to use that Christmas gift Avelina had bought her. It was a spa gift certificate, good for one day of luxury, and must've cost Avi a fortune. It was a good, selfless gift, but she hadn't had the opportunity to use it yet. She considered Valentine's Day the perfect chance, seeing how she'd never get any other kind of gift that day, and ducked into the garage for her car (or rather, the car she "co-owned" with her mom). Her parents were neglectful, she believed, and wouldn't care if she was out or in, dead or alive, just as long as she did her chores and her homework. Besides, she spent enough hours indoors; driving around might do her some good. It took a phonebook to direct her to the spa, and several irritating minutes of getting lost, cursing, and plenty of inopportune traffic lights along the way. She was actually in a worse mood when she arrived than when she had left, but tried to keep calm as she walked inside (the aura of anger clearly around her) and looked around. Now it wasn't like a lavish place, full of strange, foreign names and treatment methods, and it didn't exactly give her a New Age Zen Buddhist feel either, but it was still quite a place. The receptionist, though easily her parents' age, looked decades younger, probably from years of running the place and taking advantage of its facilities. "Hi, welcome!" she greeted cheerfully. "May I help you?" Vai meekly handed her the certificate. "Uh, yeah, I got this, and...I wanted to redeem it today. You know, as a treat." "I understand," she said smiling. "Lots of people come in here on Valentine's Day. Did your boyfriend give this to you?" "I wish!" she snorted. "I'm single and hating it." "Nothing wrong with that." "Seems a little chronic in my case." "Oh." Vai's bitterness seemed to drown the lady's cheer. Her attempt to pick herself up again was pretty futile. "I'm...sorry? A-anyway, if you'd like to be treated, please follow the receptionist. Is this your first time here?" "It's my first time at any spa," she answered. The lady brightened again. "Oh, really?! Well then you'll love it here. Stephanie?" A tall, older, exotic-looking woman strolled in, sizing poor Vai up with deep husky eyes. She kind of hoped this wasn't the person she was going to become "acquainted" with—Vai was hoping for a man. Stephanie took Vai through some hallways and directed her to a locker room, where she was told to disrobe. Several large, fluffy white terry cloth robes and towels were available, and Vai got one of each. Stephanie left her, thankfully, but since the dressing room was far from empty and she was a bit of a private person, Vai changed in a bathroom stall. Since Vai had never been to a sauna, she had no idea what to expect. A massage, maybe, or a mud bath, and perhaps a few minutes in a steam room. She wasn't far off despite her inexperience; the first place she was taken to did indeed resemble a massage parlor. Vai had read and heard enough stories to know what to expect, but was goaded by Stephanie anyway to "disrobe, and leave a towel on. Lie face down." This was purely a business to the woman, nothing more. It wasn't going to be sexual at all—more therapeutic, really, and Vai definitely needed the therapy. She was, by all means, in good hands. At first she was nervous about exposing her naked back to the older woman, letting her hands wander around and knead out the stress, but soon she closed her eyes and melted. Stephanie was fantastic! She even talked to Vai, pried into her life a bit, asking questions and knitting up the illusion that she really cared for her clients. Knox didn't care if it was fake or not—somebody was paying attention to her, listening to her, without butting in for their own personal, selfish gratification. "You sure do have a lot of stress." "I'll say. You have no idea..." "Oh, I was young once. I've got a pretty good notion. I'm not good at guessing, so maybe you can tell me what the problem is." Well, she gets points for not delving into my love life and assuming I have a boyfriend, Vai mused. She plucked a strand of her dark hair from her face and started murmuring. "I feel like nobody appreciates me or likes me. Everywhere I go, I'm just a phantom, somebody to ignore. Whenever I talk, people are either offended or they don't take me seriously." "Why are they offended? Do you speak your mind a lot?" "Mm, yes, but I do try and be diplomatic. But some people are so sensitive! And even if you say nothing, they look at you like you're some kind of weirdo. This one guy I slithered past the other day gave me this nasty look and said I had a bad attitude. He was like, ‘What's your problem?', even though I just slipped through without saying anything. What a jerk..." The void on their conversation was so great and unexpected that Vai just had to ask, "You want me to go on?" "Sure. Keep talking. Get all that off your chest. I've heard it all before, and more." "All right, but it's not a pretty tale. I basically have no friends and nobody that cares for me, except maybe this one girl that got me the ticket to get in here. I guess she's my friend, but I get the feeling she was forced into it. Another thing is, when I talk, like I said, people don't take me seriously. They laugh, usually when I'm not saying anything funny—stupid fools—or they just don't listen, even when I have good ideas. It just makes me want to say less and less. Eventually I may become a real phantom and just disappear for real." "What about your family?" "What about them?" she groaned, partially from pleasure and partially from annoyance. "My parents are too absorbed in themselves and their own problems to worry about me. I feel like they've damned me just by bringing me into this world. They pretty much cursed me to a life I never wanted to live." "How so?" "If you ever lived the life of a girl with two mothers, who goes to an all-girls school, where like half the population is gay, you'll know what I mean." "Oh." Stephanie stopped rubbing briefly, whether out of surprise or natural habit, and continued with gentle, loving caresses. "Well that doesn't mean you can't be normal yourself." "I don't want to be normal. Normal sucks. I want to stand out...but it seems all I'm doing is just disappearing further." All the while Vai was talking, she noticed that Stephanie had rarely talked back, choosing to listen rather than giving general answers or advice. She had let Vai spill everything, not wanting to get in the way of the outburst no matter what. In the few minutes it had taken her to complete the massage, turning Vai from a stressed-out psychopath with a chip the size of Australia on her shoulder into a melted, serene, refreshed young woman, Stephanie had done more good than pretty much everyone else had combined. The only bad part was the fact that the treatment was so short. Vai was scheduled for a special mud bath later, followed by a mineral cleansing and visit to the sauna. She felt like all the strength had been sucked dry from her bones as she wobbled out of the parlor and dressed into her robe again, but inwardly she was mighty again, as if somebody had drawn her soul from her body, cleaned it with beautiful hot water, and set it out to dry in the bright morning sun. A nice few minutes wrapped in seaweed, mud, and a turban seemed a great way to regain all that vigor, without any of the angst. Oddly enough, Vai ran into an acquaintance in the mud room. At first she didn't recognize the other woman—who would with all that gunk on her face?—but as she removed the two little cucumber slices from her eyes, she smiled and waved a happy brown hand. "Vai-chan! Didn't expect to see you here! Come to get all cleaned up, inside and out?" "Uh...oh, uh, hi Zane." Aintzane Klein smiled and gestured to the slightly older woman. "C'mon in, the shit's fine! Of course it isn't really shit—quite the opposite, really. I feel like I could drink this stuff almost." Vai didn't respond; she wished Zane wasn't there. She was going to have to disrobe in front of her. Zane saw the way her "friend" looked, bashful and tentative, and encouraged her with a big smile. "Hey, no worries! It's not like I've never seen a beautiful naked girl before. Just drop the robe and sink right in." "Could you look away please?" she begged. Aintzane made a face, but she saw how important it was to Vai, and so turned away. She resumed her position once the other girl sunk in, smiled, and struck up a conversation. A special soothing tape was playing over the room, filling it with the sounds of trickling water, singing birds, and the occasional chime of a large bell. "So what've you been up to lately, besides no good? A-haha, I have to say that every time! Seriously, though! What've you been doing?" "...Not much. School and stuff." "Oh yeah. God, McGowen's getting to be a real pain in the ass. Why does she punish us all like that? Did you get her last assignment done?" "Uh...not yet. I'm kind of, uh, taking things one at a time. I'm not really in a good mood anyway." "Oh, so you came here to try and reverse it, huh? Well, no better place. Say—remind me again. You're single, right?" Knox rolled her eyes. "Terminally, it seems." "Ah. Well, that does suck, but believe me, relationships can suck as well. I've been in my fair share of disastrous ones, and let me tell you, sometimes you're just better off!" "Well...I've never really known love anyway, so I'd...like to." Zane smiled, and emerged slightly. "You could always hook up with me, you know." Vai rolled her eyes again. "No thanks." It was to her unfortunate discovery to learn she and Aintzane would be taking the mineral bath together, as well as sharing a round in the sauna. The baths were reminiscent of onsens from Japan, and they had a good warm tingly feeling to them without being boiling hot. The baths were conveniently next door to the mud room, meaning that the girls could walk to and fro without having to dress or even worry about making tracks. Vai absolutely abhorred exposing her naked body—she'd have no problem at all if she was alone, for oftentimes she traipsed around her locked room in the nude—but if she wanted to get her money's worth, she'd have to go through with it. First the girls ran through a shower, making sure that most or all of the sloppy mud was washed away. Zane clearly leered at poor Vai, who didn't know whether to keep her back turned or not. She even had the nerve to take her by the hand and "guide" her inside the bath, naked and jolly as all that. Vai's bronzy face was burgundy red as she descended into the water; Zane wanted to wash her back and hair, but was denied such pleasures. "Please, just leave me alone for a bit," she implored. "I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'd like to be alone for now." "What, do I make you uncomfortable?" Knox flinched as Klein happily and shamelessly exposed her body in the watery pool. "Uh, frankly, yes." "What, you shaky in the company of other women?" "Would you just go?!" Poor Zane snorted—she knew when she wasn't wanted. "Ya know, Vai, it's things like this which drive people away." "No, I'm driving you away because you're flirting with me and that makes me uncomfortable; now go." "Fine, I'll go." Zane waded away and washed her own body. She had wanted to attend to Vai so badly, too! What beautiful copper-colored skin she had! It looked so firm and pliable, rough from labor and stress, untouched by the hands of lusty suitors. A real virgin if there was one! Aintzane briefly had to wonder if she had an honest crush on Vai or just simply lusted for her, as she had lusted for others in the past. She too was a victim of a loveless life, but took it to the other extreme and hired temporary suitors to fill her gaping life, to add flavor (if not meaning) to it. She reasoned that it would be unfair of her to add Vai to that "collection". Knox had a point. Her insensitivity had driven her away. She had to make amends. "Yo, Vai-chan." "Yeah?" "I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to come off as a jerk. I just...like you, is all." Vai didn't answer. How could she? She was burdened enough as it was; she didn't need this confusion in her life. Of course, if Aintzane had been a guy, well! That would've been another story! Face it, though, you're curious. Oh, shut up. ...... Zane and Vai shared the sauna for fifteen minutes, time enough to let their perspiration cleanse their skin and their words make up for past errors. Zane apologized again, and tried her hardest to steer away from anything sexual. She learned a bit more about Vai, but the poor girl was still shy around her, presumably because of her social inexperience. As the two left the spa, Klein decided to make things easier for Knox and gave her an offer she frankly couldn't refuse. "Look, if you wanna hang out again, just as friends, I'd be happy to anytime. Oh wait, lemme give you my number. It's a cell phone, so I'll be the one answering it. You got email?" "Uh, yeah...you want my number?" "Sure." The two exchanged contacts, and said goodbye with a humble handshake. Vai stepped back out into the chilly February air, feeling worlds better from her experience, yet she still had such a long road ahead of her. The only thing she could do, though, was keep putting one foot in front of another.
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