Ich such im Schnee vergebens Nach ihrer Tritte Spur, Wo sie an meinem Arme Durchstrich dei grune Flur. Ich will den Boden kussen, Durchdringen Eis und Schnee Mit meinen heifsen Tranen, Bis ich die Erde she. "Erstarrung" It was Saturday, October 30th, and high time that Emma finally revealed just what her problem with Dr. Andrews was. Janna Raulson was probably more curious than anyone in the school—she had gotten to know Miss McGowen well after collaborating with her on several history and science ventures—and she not only considered McGowen a coworker but a friend. Besides, confession was good for the soul, and it seemed as if the whole ordeal, whatever it was, weighed heavy on Em's shoulders. So Janna paid a visit and would not leave until she learned the truth. "Basically, I was more of a bitch in the past than I am now," said Emma casually, cradling cocoa. "I broke her heart and turned into a lying hypocrite. You really can't blame her for not forgiving me; I really dumped on her bad. And it's not like her life was peachy until then." "Go on." "Oh, in detail?" Emma turned sour and tried to hide herself and delay in the drink. It was too hot to linger in, so she focused back on Raulson. "Oh, boy. I really don't feel comfortable with it. I mean, you're a good friend, but this is something I didn't even tell my journal. Only Doc and I know about it." "I really think somebody else should know," said Raulson carefully, putting her cup down on the coffee table. "If you do not trust me, then say so. I will leave. But I think talking about it might make you feel a little better. So tell me." As smart as she was, Emma knew she couldn't escape unless she lied—she did trust Janna—so she took some time to gather her thoughts and words. "It's a sad story," she said at last. "Doc never did have a happy life. Her parents crushed her dreams when she was still a kid and forced her to go into the medical field, just as they had. She rebelled and did everything possible to piss them off, including passing herself off as a man. I don't believe she was very homosexual to begin with, but I guess after going through the list of what would make her parents angry, sleeping with other women came up. "We met in college during my third year. I guess you could say we became smitten with each other. I've never met a more intelligent person, or one who was so absorbed in her own quagmire of problems. Let's just say that after a few late-night study sessions, people can become amorous if they're around each other enough." "I see." Janna left it at that. "Anyway, I graduated with honors about two years later, and since I wanted to quote, ‘start over with a new life', or whatever line I fed her, I broke up with her, saying it was all just an experiment. College girls do that sort of thing. I was planning on either marrying or staying single—either path was fine by me—and that broke her heart. She told me I was the first person she genuinely felt love for, poor innocent fool. I had dragged her out of her misery and made her smile again, and of course her heart got torn apart when we parted ways." "Oh, dear. So that's why." "No, that's not even close. If that had been that, I'm sure we would've eventually gotten over the ordeal and ended up being friends. About a year or two later, though, I sort of fell in love with another woman, Miss Torvald. She was just like Jackie, broken all the way through. I pursued her in vain for awhile, but eventually my efforts paid off. She smote me—past tense of smitten, I guess—pretty good, and we had a strong love affair for a long time. That is, until Doc got her job at Stanton." "Oh dear." Janna turned pale, having already figured out the end of the tragic tale. "Yeah," whispered Em, "she was just... It was indescribable. She could never act so volatile in front of others, of course, so she got me alone and just... chewed... me... up. I've never been so wretched in all my life. I mean, just seeing her made me feel bad; I basically broke up with a sweet woman who had never gotten any kind of real love, told her I wasn't even interested in women, then turned right around and got involved with a girl. I was a monster." Emma hid her face in shame, perhaps weeping, perhaps moaning very softly. Janna was surprised and a little shocked at her friend's tale. She had expected something similar, but not that! McGowen had royally screwed someone that didn't deserve it, and had spent all that time trying to amend for her foolish ways. No wonder Andrews gave her the cold shoulder; no wonder she couldn't forgive her! If that had happened to Raulson, she couldn't say that she would act any differently. But a wise person knows that life is too short to hold grudges forever. "You did do something awful," said Janna quietly, "but I can see how sorry you are for it. I forgive you, if it's any consolation." Emma still had her face buried in her hands, but she revealed herself after awhile, eyes a little bleary. "It's not, but thanks. I really need Doc's forgiveness." "I think it's worth trying again." "No way, she'd never listen to me." "Do you have her phone number?" "Yeah, and I've tried calling her, but she hangs up on me every time, or else has some other appointment." "I'll call her. You just be prepared to give her your damned best apology." "Oh, I've done that several times. Doesn't work." Raulson was undaunted by her friend's hopelessness, and called up the good doctor once she had her number. It rang twice before being received. "Doctor Andrews." "Jean-Jacques, it's Janna Raulson from school, history teacher. Listen—" "Oh, hello Janna. How might I be of service?" Well, she seems amicable enough. "Well, I'm over at Emma McGowen's place, and she's just told me about your prior... relationship." A pause. "Did she now. I was under the impression she was too afraid to tell anyone else." "Yes, that's the impression I got. Anyway, I was wondering if... well, you know." Another pause. "Would you excuse me, Janna? My pager's going off." "Oh, of course. Please call back, though." "Promises are like hearts, Miss Raulson. They break very easily. I never make them. Bye." Click. Janna remain frozen in place as the dead dial tone of the phone hummed at her. She put it down and gave her friend a defeated look. Emma made a gesture, mentally saying "I told you so". "Well?" "Her pager went off. I'm sure she'll get back to me. She sounded rather calm." "Mm, she always does. Professional to a T, that woman. It's actually worse than hearing her yell. Well, thanks for trying anyway." "She will call back," said Janna hopefully. McGowen smiled sadly. "If she does, I will be surprised." The doorbell rang while Emma was in the restroom and Janna in the den. She answered it and saw a tall, well-toned, handsome and masculine person on the other side, with short layered hair and a polo shirt. A naïve woman would've swooned, but Janna recognized her and smiled politely. It was Dr. Andrews, come to pay an unexpected visit. "Oh, I thought you were going to call!" she exclaimed. Andrews shrugged coolly. "Surprise." "Um... won't you come in, doctor?" "Call me Jean." She pronounced her name in the French style, John, and let others do the same, though some called her Jean, Jeanie, or Jackie. Janna felt the tall woman appraise her lustfully, but only briefly, as the doctor seemed to be on a mission of business. The sound of rushing water greeted her as Emma concluded her business in the restroom and came out, drying her hands. She stopped short and stared as she saw her visitor, as if she were a deer staring into the headlights of a car. Doc nodded mutely in greetings. "Um... well... I know when it's best to duck out," whispered Janna hastily. She said goodbye to Emma and Jackie, gathered her things, and headed for the door. "Em," she called, "if you need me, you have my number," and left with a short smile. McGowen bashfully rubbed her shoulders and stared at the floor. She had not expected this to happen. "Do you want anything to drink?" "No, I won't be staying long." "Oh." Silence. Andrews crossed her arms, nearly glaring at the poor teacher. "Well, I'm here," she stated curtly. "Do you have anything to say?" "...Why'd you come?" "I heard what you said to Miss Raulson. It seems you're finally letting people know just how awful you were in the past." "...Yup." "She also wondered if I had the capacity to forgive you. I must say, I find it strange you're still trying to absolve yourself over a matter that happened long ago." "...So, uh..." "Let me get one thing straight, Emma," stated Doc sharply. "I don't like you. You hurt me. I wasn't exactly in the best shape when we first met, and your heartlessness at the time really set me back a few years. It's taken a lot of time and a lot of effort, plus all that mindless fucking I did, to try and erase it or make up for it. You hurt me, Emma, and I hate you for it." McGowen just nodded her head. "I know." "But what you do now is your business. I don't care who you fuck with, as long as it's not me. I was kind enough to tell you that history teacher liked you; well, it seems you took my advice and are getting ready to seduce her as well." "Jackie..." "Let me finish now. I told you, I don't care. Raulson's nice, and if you wanna fuck her, that's your problem. You fuck Andeira, it's your problem. You fuck Sarah Jo, it's your problem. You fuck every God-damned and god-damning teacher in this school, it's your problem. It's no longer my concern. I've let you go, Emma. You ought to let me go as well. So what's keeping you back, huh? You need me to forgive you for fucking with me?" Emma said nothing. She was a mouse before a lion. "All right," said Doc, throwing her hands up, "I forgive you. I forgive you because I've let you go. Get over it and do as you please; you're no longer my concern. Just as I said, unless you get injured, you're just wasting my time. So... I forgive you. Now, you can do as you please. Just don't think we can ever be friends again. I'm content to call you a coworker and an intellectual equal, nothing more. So long." She shouldered what little she had been carrying and walked off. Emma couldn't help but call out to her. "Jackie." "Yes?" "...Thank you." Andrews grunted. "I hope you're kinder to that other girl, Professor. I really do. For your sake, you'd better not screw this up. Bye." She waved and was gone, into her car and on the road. Emma was left by herself, shaken and stirred, but she had to admit that she felt a lot better. So, she was free—and Doc was right, Emma needed to let her go too. There was no way she could ever get back together with her, as she had dreamed, but at least Doc was kind enough to give her a second life without any obligations. Em decided she'd take what she could and called Raulson up. And since Janna had not gotten far, she came back soon. ......... Ironic, isn't it? Long-term relationships just aren't our thing, but there we were, still with each other, naked and alone in a silly world that doesn't know what it wants. Short-term relationships are the new fad, here to stay. After all, who has time to fall in love and live together with one person? It's a screw-and-bolt world, my dear, a pursuit to find the next piece of juicy meat and stuff as much inside as you can. Oh, you like that analogy, don't you? I've lost count of how many times we've made love, or how long we were really together. You and I. I grew quite fond of you. If I weren't such a busy woman, I feel like I could've stay with you for a few years more. Really, dear, you set a record here. In the back of my mind, I felt like we were going to have to part, but when I did, I looked at you and smiled, and held you again. I didn't want to let go. But I'm greedy. Well, we're gone now, and we're both going after somebody else. I'm dating the music teacher, you're sleeping with the Latin instructor. She's quite a stout woman, but I don't expect anything out of that. I may snuggle with my girl for a few weeks, but I don't think we can expect anything greater from each other. So you say you let your first real love go, and forgave her, and now you're trying to go on and leave her behind. I guess different people grow and heal in different ways. I'm glad I never got mixed up in any grief; at least I think I didn't! You're not keeping in contact with me. I guess that's okay. Too busy showing that strange woman a good time, huh? I understand. No, I'm not hurt. I was a fling of yours, just like you were a fling of mine. We were destined to meet and cross swords; I just didn't expect the cross to stay for so long. I'm slightly amazed, to tell you the truth. I think once Election Day kicks in gear, I'll let my sweetheart go. I have a feeling somebody needs her even more than I do. So you say she slept with your ex? I wonder: would you be opposed to— Never mind. Oh, I hear some of the girls are organizing an anti-Bush rally on November 3rd and 4th, in support of John Kerry. Guess who'll be leading it. Usha, yes, but that dear Jocelyn has taken charge as well. She apparently has a bone to pick with our president and his so-called war. I don't know if I'll be there or not—frankly, all presidents have been identical ever since I was born—but it's nice to see the new generation having something to believe in. Strange, though, because I was just one of them only four years earlier! Has it really been that long? Well, I'll let you get back to whatever you were doing, whether it be examining a patient or a patient, wink-wink. I have books to study, curriculum to write, that sort of thing. Hugs and kisses, see you on Monday, Your well-meaning ex, AGC ...... "You came back quickly." She blushed. "I was in the area. So how'd it go?" "Well," sighed the other. "As well as it could." "That's good. Are you up for grabbing some dinner with me?" "Yes, definitely. Um, question, before I commit myself further: is this a date?" "Do you want it to be?" A moment of thought was not needed. "Yes." "Then it is. Oh, don't bother, you look good enough, and I don't have money for a fancy place." "Ha, neither do I. Shall we, then?" ......... It was Sunday, October 24th, the day after Homecoming, and Kula was at the last place imaginable, the hospital. She bore no flowers, balloons, cards, or other silly things, just a guilty conscience. She could be cruel and violent, but she could also be humble and aware of when she was wrong. If only Usha were a little more flexible, a little less annoying, a little more understanding—and humbler, too! She could afford to be all that and still keep her dignity. She carried an unnecessary burden of pride around, and that was one of the things the Hawaiian transfer student hated. She was escorted in by a doctor, cleared her throat, and sat down next to the bed. Usha's right arm was broken and in a cast, and she had bandages dotted around her body. A cold compress was on her forehead, and she was reading a plain-looking book using only her left hand. She looked up briefly to see who her visitor was, and stiffened. "To what do I owe this?" she asked, keeping her voice civil. Kula frowned as humbly as she knew how. "You stupid bitch," she said quietly. "If only ya kept your mouth shut. If only ya practiced what'cha preached. I'd actually like you, moron, if ya weren't such a snotty stuck-up ass." "What do you mean?" "You think you're so superior, don't'cha?" "No, I—" "But'cha do," she emphasized. "Look, you talk about equality and all that crap, and that's fine by me, but'cha just strut around like a peacock, ruffling your feathers, snapping back at anyone who so much as prunes. And lord forbid somebody argue against ya! You just fight back, saying how right you are and how wrong everyone else is! Now how is what I did to you any different from what you did to others?!" "I only want to present—" "Don't you ever shut up?" she nearly screamed, slamming her palm against the chair. "Please, god, for once just keep your big ugly pie hole shut and listen. Listen. That's your problem, ya know, you never listen. You always think you have the answer before somebody asks the question." "I don't—" "Damn it! What did I just say, huh? What did I just say! Listen! God!!" Kula growled and gave Usha a shove, forcing her to wince from the pain. It was evident she was using all her willpower to restrain herself; she looked ready to smack Krishnan until doomsday. "Well you don't have to resort to violence to get your point across!" she snapped. "That's what I'm trying to do here! Yet you keep on opening your mouth. Keep... it... shut for a moment, damn it. And listen. I'm telling you how I feel, and of course whenever somebody tells you the truth or what's honest, you cut them off and get defensive. Now I hate it when people tell me what I don't wanna hear just as much, but god, you... you really get on my nerves." Usha said nothing. Kula sighed. "That's better. All right? See, you're starting to sound more intelligent already. God... ya don't have to be right all the time. Look at things from somebody else's view once in awhile. Believe me, I have a right to complain. I've seen ya do nothin' all day but strut and squawk, like a peacock. I don't see how you're gonna be a politician or whatever if you keep on running around like a moron, flapping your mouth all the time. God!" Kula caught her breath and gave Usha a glare. "May I speak now?" "Go ahead." "Did you come all the way here to tell me that?" "Yeah," she barked. She softened back to being humble, and added with a mumble, "I also came by to apologize. You're right, it was wrong of me to hit you and start that fight. I just got mad, and you ticked me off. I'm sorry, all right? I was wrong. But next time, let someone else do the talking. You don't always have to be right." "I see. Thank you, I'll do my best." Kula snorted. "You don't really mean that, do you?" "Yes, I do. I really will. And I'm sorry for being a... an ass like that. But please, if you get that irritated, you have to tell me. Letting it stay quiet doesn't help." "That's what I'm trying to do," she grumbled. "Well, you should have done it earlier. See?" she said, noticing the look the younger girl was giving her. "Not so easy hearing the truth, is it?" "That's what I just said, you moron." Kula slapped her leg and stood up, snorting heavily. "Look, I'm already being forced to pay for your visit here, and Marbel had my ass on a platter, so don't rub it in. I just came by to say I'm sorry, that's all. And ya need to work on being a little less stuck-up." "And you could be nicer." "I am nice." Usha smirked. "Now who's flapping their mouth?" Kula sneered and gave Usha the bird before leaving. Krishnan chuckled quietly to herself, and figured with the punishment and the hospital bills, along with a heated exchange of words, the two were now even. ......... For the time being, all Leena could do was offer Kathlyn a place to stay, some food to eat, and a shoulder to cry on. Parkin was starving; she hadn't eaten since the day before, and her constitution was in shambles—more so than usual, anyway. She had worked nearly all day and barely had time for sleep or school, and her mind was nearly as lost as her hopes. She ate in silence, trying not to get tears on her food, and Leena allowed her as much peace as she needed before she began to pry. Her black eye stood out like a mountain in the prairie, but Leena kept her tongue. "That was good," said Katt when she finished. She stood to put the dishes away. "I'll do them." "It's okay, I don't mind." She washed them, dried them, and stored them back up in the small cabinet. She then sat back at the table, running her had through her spiky ebony hair, and grinned. "I guess I should explain the decoration." "Yes, you should." "It was my father," she said, not hiding anything back. Children and teenagers usually had a bad habit of blaming the obvious on other things, like doorways and falls and other such accidents, but Kathlyn spoke honestly and frankly, because she liked Leena and knew it was what she wanted. Leena frowned and shook her head. "I just got home from work and was doing some papers for math. I didn't think he'd be home. Mom was away at work, of course, so I only had Matt with me. I... stood in front of him as he went after my brother, and got this little badge of honor for my efforts. He says he's sorry, but I never believe him." "God, that's terrible!" whispered her teacher. "How can you stand it? Why don't you file a report and move out?" "Moving's not an option because of my brother," she said, moping. "If I were like Jocelyn, it wouldn't be a problem; I'd just get a foster family. Besides, would the police believe me? They must get a hundred cases every year, and my father can be awfully convincing. He'd just dismiss them and hurt me more." "Not if I can help it," she growled. Kathlyn looked up and saw just how serious her teacher was. Leena had the look of a she-wolf whose cubs were in danger, clenching fists and jaw tight. Katt still groaned, though. "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know." "Katt." Leena took her hands and caressed them tenderly, her voice light with its foreign accent and kindness. "I will help you. Actually, I will help you even if you say no. That sort of thing has got to stop. You and your brother shouldn't have to put up with that anymore." "Even if you succeed, where will we stay?" "You said your brother has a place he can stay indefinitely. I'm sure the people who take care of him now will understand your situation and keep him a little while longer. And as for yourself, you're practically an adult. It's about time you got out on your own anyway." She was smiling and jabbing Katt playfully, but didn't get a smile in return. "But where will I go? I don't have enough money to rent even the cheapest apartments, and most of my friends don't have that kind of money either." "Then stay with me," she said with a smile. Kathlyn's heart felt a jab and she nearly fell in her seat as she heard Leena offer, in very plain terms, a life with her. It seemed to wonderful to comprehend—but oh, if Leena found out that a silly little kid like Katt had such a huge crush on her, she'd be mortified and would expel her. "I'd... love to," she admitted bashfully, "but I don't want to think about that now." "Well if not now, when?" "Not now," she repeated quietly. "I just want to rest, and forget about all that." "But you would like to take me up on my offer? Because it won't be a problem to me." "I would... definitely like that." "Then it's settled. When you graduate, I'll make you my official roomie. I live close to campus, as you've seen, and I'd be happy to drive you to school." "I can drive. You don't have to go that much out of your way." "Mm, okay. The offer's always good, though." Kathlyn wanted to embrace Leena and kiss her—well, worse than usual. There was no way she could repay the debt, except perhaps by continuing to keep money flowing in, watch out for her brother, and help her teacher whenever necessary. She thanked Leena once, quietly, and got up to change for bed. Leena let her take the shower first while she cleaned up and got ready for night. Underneath the curtain of water, Kathlyn pleasured herself to thoughts of her beautiful, strong, kindhearted teacher, and wished strongly that one day, she could be seen as more than a potential roommate. Wearing fuzzy lavender pajamas, Kathlyn snuggled closer to Leena than ever before, putting her arms around the older woman in an intimate, familiar way, like a lover would. Leena, in boxers and a sports bra, accepted the hug tenderly and spent several minutes simply caressing her student's hair, listening to her thanks again and again. She moaned ever so softly and held Kathlyn closer, cherishing such a sweet feeling deeply. For Katt, nothing could be greater. After her Hell of a life, the simplest gestures of kindness and love were Heaven. "Thank you, Leena," she said, smiling at the older woman. Leena replied with her standard cute grin. It was so bright and adorable, and Kathlyn so grateful and overcome, she couldn't help but do the one thing she had yearned to for months. Leena felt her lips touch her mouth quickly, desperately, like a lover who didn't care if the other person liked them or hated them; they expressed their feelings regardless. And Leena reciprocated. "Mmm." "Nhh." She held Kathlyn even closer; she pressed her hands against the back of her head, gently forcing her lips nearer and nearer, until their teeth were nearly touching. Kathlyn forced herself away, flushed white with embarrassment, and apologized. "Sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry, uh, I hope you don't think I'm a pervert, I just—" "Hey." Leena laughed quietly, her fingers still curled around Parkins' hair. "It's okay. It's all right. I've wanted to do that for a long time too." "...Really?" "Mm-hmm." She smiled and nodded her head. "...Why?" "Cuz' I like you." Kathlyn grinned. "Why?" "Um... I just do." She giggled, and kissed Leena again. She grinned and caressed Katt's dark hair with gentle care once their eyes met again. "Wanna know the real reason?" she asked, touching her nose. "Because you're pretty, and kind-hearted, and I need a kind-hearted woman in my life." Kathlyn smiled softly, and nuzzled against Leena's neck until their combined odors—the smell of love and need and shared kindness—made them drowsy. Leena felt like she was floating in gentle space as they kissed, and smiled, and touched hands so delicately. They fell into each other's embrace, and ultimately, into each other. In the dark hour of night, t'was Leena who owed Kathlyn thanks, but the young girl could not hear it, for she was in dreams beyond dreams, numb from love. Vainly I search in the snow For the footprints she left When arm in arm with me she Passed along the green meadow. I want to kiss the ground, Pierce ice and snow With my hot tears Until I see soil beneath.
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