Rai Zanders woke up with no energy. It was nearly 7:30, time to get up,
but she felt like she could pull a Rip van Winkle and sleep for years.
She groaned, slumped down, and weakly pulled back the sheets covering
her body. She was naked underneath, save for the young woman folded
around her. It was well into October, but their combined heat made her
swelter. She groaned and rubbed her face. Last night had not been her
best moment.
Ana Lu woke up with far too much energy. She breathed in life, sighed,
and cuddled closer to Rai. With a soft "Morning, honey", she crawled up
and kissed Rai's shoulder and neck. Her hands rubbed naked skin
contently, and no words came from her, except a wistful "I'm happy". Rai
shoved her away, managed to flop out of bed, and lumbered to her
bathroom.
"Where ya goin', honey?" whispered Ana.
"Shower."
"Can I come?" Rai just grumbled. As Ana pushed herself from the empty
bed, the alarm finally went off as 7:30 rolled around.
Well I can't regret,
can't you just forget it?
I started something I couldn't finish
And if we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means
And I've got a twenty-dollar bill
that says you're up late night starting
fist fights versus fences in your backyard
Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor
Soaking in sympathy
from friends who never loved you
nearly half as much as me
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable...ohoh
Well I can't regret,
can't you just forget it?
I started something I couldn't finish
If we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means
You never knew
well I never told you...
Everything I know about breaking hearts
I learned from you, it's true
I've never done it with the style and grace you have
But I've made long term plans
based on these mistakes
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable
Is this what you call tact?
I swear you're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
so let's end this call,
and end this conversation
there's nothing worse...
(that's right he said, that's right he said it)
I swear, you have no idea
The jealousy that became me thinking
(that's right he said)
that you always had it way too easy
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friend thinks I pulled the trigger!
Best friend thinks you get what you deserve!
"Conflict"
Rai drove Ana and herself to school in humiliation. Of all the things
she had done! She never thought it would ever go so far, or be so quiet,
or pass so suddenly. She had slept with Ana—no, not slept; they had
shared a bed before. They had engaged in sex, rather, something she
believed would never happen. But now... the lingering grit, smell, and
feel was still on her, despite the shower she had taken—the shower she
had taken with Ana. Her eyes squinted, she turned a corner, and stopped.
She could see Ana smiling quietly from the corner of her eye.
"Guess this makes us lovers, huh?" she said at last. Rai didn't reply.
"Huh? Rai-chan? Sweetest lady? Pretty blunette?" Ana kissed her cheek
and toyed with her dyed-dark blue hair, and Rai swatted her away.
"I don't feel well," she grumbled. Ana cooed.
"Aww... whassa mattah? You gotta sniffle? Well you just let Nurse Ana
take care of you, sweetie." Zanders rolled her eyes.
"Spare me." The light turned green.
"Hey..." Rai left Ana in the car. The poor blonde was used to being
escorted out, so she was amazed to find herself left behind. Irritably,
she jerked herself out, locked and shut the door, and jogged after her
love. "Rai... Rai! Is something wrong? You know, you really do look
sick. I'll take care of you if you need me to."
"I can't... Ana."
"What, what?" Lu hugged her arm and got shoved off. She slapped Rai's
shoulder and continued to pester her, "What-what-what-what-what? What,
Rai?"
"Stop it."
"Stop what?" She kissed the shoulder. "Am I bothering you?"
"Yes. Get to class." Ana frowned.
"You in a bad mood?"
"Uh-huh."
"Is it cuz' I wasn't very good in bed last night? It was my first time,
Rai."
"...I don't believe you," she murmured. Now this got Ana mad.
"What? Are you saying I'm a whore?!" Rai stopped walking and turned to
face her.
"I realize you're inexperienced," she said stoically, "so it's not that.
I believe that was your first time. But I just don't... believe you."
Ana was silent for awhile as she stared at her love.
"When it comes to...... what?" she asked. Rai half-shrugged.
"A lot of things. Almost everything. Get to class, Ana."
"Uh-uh, no way. If you need to say something—"
"I'll see you in history, I guess." Rai walked off, leaving Ana to
fester in anger.
"Rai! Come back—hey! Don't leave me! Rai! You're being very rude."
"Go away." Ana froze in her tracks—her heart froze in its cage of
bone—and she stared in horror. Go away. Rai had told her to go away
before, many times, but never in that tone of voice. Go away, Ana, I'm
busy. Ana, go away, I'm in the bathroom, I'm in the shower. Get away,
Ana, I'm in a bad mood and I don't want to let it out on you. Get away,
silly. Ana, get away from there, you know better. Ana, let's go away
somewhere quiet. Go away, I'm eating. Go away.
Ana Lu whispered to herself quietly as she watched her love vanish in
the sea of people.
"Rai... was it something I did?"
............
Hero Love sighed. Just when her life was becoming sweet, it had to turn
so complicated! She believed Ayanna was all worth it, but... why so much
trouble? Why now? Was having a girlfriend such a bother? Why all this
conflict with Ayanna, and not with Brandy, her best friend and first
girlfriend? Was it because Ayanna was new in her life? Because she was
black? Because she didn't attend church three times a week? Because...
why? Even Hero didn't understand, and she had tried to look at things
from every point of view.
Dinner
"We've been seeing a lot of you, Ayanna. You must've taken quite a shine
to Hero."
"Uh... you could say that, Mrs. Love." The older woman smiled.
"I can't blame you, she's a sweetheart. You two seem to spend quite a
bit of time together, more than most friends would. Hero, are you making
Ayanna another best friend of yours?"
"Uh, no mom," she answered, "uh... about that. I've been meaning to tell
you." Hero cleared her throat, laid down her fork, and took a deep
breath. "Ayanna is my girlfriend, mom. We're dating."
"Oh." If Mrs. Love was surprised, she didn't show it. Her husband
actually looked happy.
"It's good that you've found someone again, Tracey. I was beginning to
think you turned into a nun after parting ways with Jon. So you're her
girlfriend..." He studied Ayanna casually, not appearing mad or upset,
as Johnson would've expected. She gave Hero an inquisitive look.
"Um, this is a bit off topic, but why'd you call her Tracey, sir?"
"Short for Teresa," he said. Hero picked up the slack.
"Hero Teresa Minerva Love. It's my full name. My parents have an odd
sense of humor." Ayanna blanched somewhat.
"Hero Teresa... so it spells HTML?"
"Computer joke," muttered her father playfully. Hero rolled her eyes,
and Ayanna said "Oh."
Then she said, "But anyway, you're not upset that Hero and I are
dating?"
"Mm, not really. We're okay with her being bisexual, and she's dated a
girl before, although the last one was her best friend Brandy."
"I know. But it's a little weird—"
"That we're okay with Hero being half-gay?" said her mother. Hero
snorted.
"It's not half-gay, mom. I'm just bisexual."
"We're okay with it anyway," resumed Mrs. Love. "As long as she's happy
and doing good, we don't care. Besides, she's proven that she has good
judgment, in spite of her ability to make very rash decisions."
"Mother!" Mrs. Love laughed politely.
"Don't get so annoyed over the truth, dear. So tell us how you two came
to be. I know you met in gym class and knew each other for awhile, but
how'd you start actually dating?"
"It's a weird story, ma'am," admitted Ayanna quietly. "I was first
dating this girl named Gabrielle, who was also in gym class. She was my
cousin Olivia's best friend, or one of them. Anyway, I sort of broke it
off with her since it really wasn't what I was looking for—I hear she's
got a new girlfriend now anyway."
"Oh."
"By that time," added Hero, "we sort of became friends, so we had a
little talk and decided to go out one evening and... y'know, celebrate
our new bachelorette status."
"Did you go to that club again?" asked Hero's father sharply. Hero made
a face, which was admittance enough. "Tracey, we've warned you about
going there, especially on school nights. You know those places can be
very dangerous."
"I know, dad."
"Drugs and... gangs and... alcohol and... kids looking to pick
fights..."
"Dad," she said impatiently, "half that stuff's not even there, you're
just exaggerating. Anyway, I know that place well, so I can take care of
myself."
"All the same," he muttered, drinking his evening coffee, "I think you
should find someplace else to spend your evenings. There's nothing wrong
with a few nights at home."
"I spend a few nights at home, dad."
"I think your father has the right idea," said her mother quietly. "You
should definitely find somewhere nicer. Your father and I never went to
any of those places, and we still had fun."
"Mom."
"Hero, it's no big deal," murmured Ayanna carelessly. "Those places
aren't my style either. I mean, once in awhile, sure, but... any other
place would be fine." Hero grimaced again, and picked at her food for a
few seconds, until an idea came to her.
"How about this? What if I only go with Ayanna, and only when she
wants?"
"Then it's really up to her," said Mr. Love, "and as she said..."
"Well, if it's once in awhile, I don't see the harm." Father smiled at
mother and agreed, and allowed their eldest daughter that much room at
least. She thanked them and resumed her story.
"So anyway, Ayanna and I went to that club. We kinda got into the music
and met some friends of ours there as well. Zane from gym, she's the
soccer captain, she went off with Ayanna's cousin, and I think I saw
Katt and X there as well. So anyway, Ayanna and I were by ourselves,
having fun."
"Sounds nice," said her mother. "Then what?"
"It's..." Hero and Ayanna shared meek smiles, and became flush.
"...Kinda personal after that."
"Mm, don't be shy. You know you can say anything in front of the family,
Tracey."
"But not my brothers and sister." Her parents looked at their other
children, who had eaten very quietly throughout the entire meal (their
dates, if they had any, were not present). They looked back.
"Maybe we should spare ourselves Tracey's exploits this one time," said
their eldest son. They all agreed and excused themselves, leaving just
Hero, her girlfriend, and her parents. Mr. Love cracked his knuckles and
smiled broadly.
"Well then, that's taken care of. Still feel awkward?"
"A little," admitted their daughter meekly. She coughed, but Ayanna
covered for her cold turkey.
"We kinda made out, Mr. Love."
"And that means...?"
"We kissed a lot, dad." He blinked.
"Just like that?"
"I guess. It sorta happened. But we both liked it." Hero grinned, as did
Ayanna, and both her parents turned a little flush.
"Well... now we know," said her mother.
Present
Her mother and father had been cool with it, as she expected, but some
people—mainly, a few from her church—were not. Hero had feared the
repercussions of secretly towing a girlfriend around that place, and
while a few good souls lived and let live, others thumped around, poked
their noses, and otherwise got goats and stirred dust. The whole thing
might've been laced with irony if Hero hadn't seen it coming. Ayanna,
for her part, was supportive and cooperative, and especially patient.
Sunday
Few people really stared at them, as there were many people there and it
was not easy to pick two out of the crowd, in spite of Hero's choice of
dress (she came with her raver clothes, but could not glean shock from
anybody). Ayanna had worn a pink sweater and jeans, so they hardly
attracted attention—at least for awhile. Hero kept her hand locked with
her girlfriend's anxiously, hoping her faith in humanity's goodness
overcame her dread of its insidious nature.
The preacher, or rather the speaker ("religious" terms like that were
used sparingly at the church), spoke about how similar humans are to
sheep: how easily they stray, how foolish they can become, how God often
must call them sharply or punish them for wandering away. He cited a
parable about lost sheep, and even told a story about a young shepherd
looking for one he had lost. The message had truth to it, so it was
offensive, but Hero was glad for it, although she couldn't help but
think how it foreshadowed events. Humans are foolish sheep. Their
bleating can sometimes be louder than the shepherd's gentle call.
The youth program service, simply called One, was fairly gentle to the
couple. The high school minister spoke to Ayanna for awhile, and Hero,
and many others, and made no assumption other than fact. Love's friends
greeted her and drew no conclusions. She didn't flaunt her girlfriend
around like a jewel, but neither did she hide her like a scar (the false
piercings and tattoos she bore were evidence enough that Love was not
accustomed to hiding things). They had ran into good fortune, but it was
only a matter of time before...
"Young lady." Hero turned, parted her dyed-blonde hair, and smiled.
"Yo, afternoon there."
"Are you two together here?" he asked, pointing to them both.
"Yeah, so?"
"As in... friends?"
"I don't see why it's a concern."
"You do know what the Bible says about homosexuals, don't you?" Hero
rolled her eyes.
"God, I can't believe we're having this conversation..."
"Why's that? Does it make you uncomfortable?"
"Very," she answered frankly. She gave Ayanna a "let's go" look and took
her elsewhere. The man persisted, though.
"You should end that relationship, young lady, as quickly as possible.
Otherwise you're knowingly committing a sin." Hero snorted.
"Didn't Our Father who art in Heaven say something about whoever was
free of sin could cast stones?"
"He also asks obedience to His word."
"He also asks we love others, and I've no shame in saying I love this
woman."
"But as a sister in Christ, or—"
"I'm not a sister in Christ," interrupted Ayanna, taking Hero's hand.
She stared down the taller man and added sharply, "I stopped believing
when people like you came about, thinking you knew all the answers,
thinking you were better, thinking one sin was more unforgivable than
another. Get a life, bozo." She walked away with her girlfriend,
ignoring the man's reply. When they were alone, she sighed and covered
her face. Hero embraced her.
"Hey. It's all right. You did really great back there." Ayanna revealed
herself after a few seconds and smiled. She caressed Hero's face, and
kissed her.
"People like you reaffirm my faith in people, and in God. If only the
world were half as great as you."
"Mm, I'm not really great, I just try doing great."
"What humility." Ayanna beamed and gave her girlfriend a long, loving
kiss. Hero sighed and rested her head on her fuzzy pink shoulder.
"They're not all like him, Ayanna. Of course, some are even worse, but
most people here are smarter than that. We're each wallowing in sin;
he's done things just as bad, not nearly as bad, and worse than us. He's
no right to judge us or to say how right he is." Ayanna did not answer.
She held her girlfriend a little while longer, and kissed her ear.
"You hungry?"
"...Starved. Soon all these extra pounds will wither away." She giggled.
"There anyplace to eat around here?" Hero took a breath and pointed far
off into the distance.
"Over there's an atrium. The food's usually very good, but I wouldn't
touch the pizza. Get the catfish sticks, trust me." Ayanna promised she
would, and took Hero's hand as they walked over. They did not encounter
any hecklers, not even the man—but over time, Hero's situation weighed
upon her. Christian. Bisexual. Lover of God. Lover of Ayanna. God abhors
homosexuality. God loves all. Hate sin. Love people. If ever she felt
pulled in two different directions, it was now that time...
............
Rai ignored Ana in history class, and in art, she sat with somebody
else. Ana had noticed the change in her girlfriend and figured it was
just moodiness or a desirability to be left alone, to have space, to
think. Rai didn't seem like she was in a very bad mood, because she was
smiling with Furious Hail, who had no companion that hour (Corona was
home sick). Ana blew air from her mouth in annoyance, and worked solo
until somebody came over and joined her.
"You okay?"
"Uh... actually, no."
"Why's that?"
"Eh... no reason. Just not feeling 100."
Denial was by far one of the best ways to cope with weakness.
Ana knew she'd have to bum a ride off Rai, unless she wanted to take the
bus. She gambled on Zanders' generosity and waited for her by her car.
She gave a wide grin and waved her blue-haired partner over, but was
sadly ignored. As Rai unlocked her vehicle, she finally took notice of
the blonde, sighed, and parted her sapphire hair. Ana personally loved
it when she did that, but she looked so serious.
"If you want me to take you home, Ana, I don't mind, but this will be
the last time."
"Why's that?" she asked innocently.
"Because I don't think we should see each other again."
"Well we kinda share classes—"
"That's not what I mean." Ana's pep began to drain. Her face drooped.
She began to realize why Rai was treating her like this. Zanders didn't
give her much time to think as she opened the car door and told her to
get in. She did not turn on her radio.
"Let's talk," she said on the way to Lu's home. "About earlier... when I
said I didn't believe you. It's not about the sex; it's about... a lot
of things."
"I'm listening," said Ana seriously. Rai swallowed.
"First, I don't believe you when you say you're attracted to women. I
cite our first encounter. Second, I don't believe you when you say I'm
your girlfriend, and I don't like you clinging to me like a lovesick
barnacle. I'm going through some troubled times here, and your
attachment isn't helping me."
"What do you—"
"Third," she continued, "I don't believe you when you say you love me."
"But I—"
"Fourth," she murmured, "I can't believe we actually had sex. We did, I
know, but... I sort of regret doing it. Even if I did like you..."
"What do you mean?" asked Ana quietly. Rai took a deep breath.
"I never considered you my girlfriend, Ana. From time to time I liked
you, and enjoyed your company, but overall... you were an annoyance, a
hindrance. You're just not like me at all. You make me ask myself too
many questions. Some days, I even hoped I wouldn't run into you. Others,
yes, I couldn't wait to see you, but for the most part, Ana... We should
not see each other again. I don't like you like that. I barely like you
at all."
Rai then hardened her heart as Ana began to cry. They said nothing else
the whole trip, except when they arrived at Lu's home. Rai said "Get
out, please," very quietly, and drove home in solitude. She couldn't
help but relax as she felt a great weight lift from her back.
But if I'm so relieved, then why does a part of me feel bad?
For her part, Mrs. Lu could do nothing to comfort her daughter's grief.
Her father only offered her food and an ear, and a hand to hold.
.........
A single figure, traveling in secrecy, shrouded by a coat and by her own
doubts, made her way to the church. Could absolution save her? Could she
repent of something she believed in? Could one love overcome another,
even though she wanted both? Would she be forgiven—or would she be
forgiven because she sought forgiveness? Was her remorse a kind of sin
as well? Was her pride? Her love? Could love ever be wrong? Could she
forsake love for beliefs? Too many questions. Maybe she sought answers,
not forgiveness. Regardless, she entered the room quietly, traveled down
the sanctuary, and came to the booth. She drew a breath, perhaps to
cleanse herself.
"Father forgive me, for I have sinned. At least I think I have."
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