"Two Very Bitter Break-ups" Hitomi Madsen woke up cradling her own student, the pale and beautiful Lilian Nachtheim, for the sixth time. Her expression became sad, and loving: Lilian looked so peaceful laying there, her arms curled around her teacher's body desperately. Her ghostly pale-pink skin, sealed eyes of dying-sun, and long strands of pale winter-wheat made her look heartbreakingly gorgeous; even in the comfort of the older woman's morning hug, she looked happy and wounded and too lost in the balance to care. Hitomi gave into the desire to caress her face, parting stray lines of hair. With some effort, she slipped her student from her grasp, touched her lips, and let her fingers go to her own mouth as she moved to her humble bathroom. She was both naked and nude in moments. Hitomi paused just briefly as she hoisted her waist-length hair, jetty according to her Oriental heritage, high above her face. With arms and chest stretched out like that, she couldn't help but take an appraising glance in the mirror. Five feet and five inches (1.65 meters), one-hundred six pounds (48 kilos), and healthfully into her twenty-fifth year, Madsen was an image of loveliness and what many perceived as feminine near-perfection. She wore glasses, but not in the shower; she had a chance to look at her hazel eyes, along with the rest of her. "Hitomi dear girl," she said with a proud smile, "you're doing good." Madsen closed her eyes and let her hair fall. She'd pin it up that day; wearing it down wasn't always the professional choice. She twisted the two knobs in her shower that sprayed hot and cold water, reaching her hand inside to test it until it was just right. She grabbed a mirror from the sink and put one foot in, then drew it out. Hitomi needed a Release. She reached for her Self, winced just slightly, and breathed. She surrendered and slowly prodded, or jabbed, or stretched, or pinched, and her mind wandered. Lilian. She fantasized wildly about Lilian. She fantasized about the sexy young woman strolling in wearing a robe, one of her robes, a sultry smile on her otherwise meek face. She imagined Lilian saying nothing as she let the robe loosen and fall down, exposing a column of naked porcelain skin; she imagined Lilian taking her desperately and washing her whole body with her own bare hands. She and Lilian made love like wild animals, and crawled out of the shower with their mouths hungrily groping after each other, kissing until they were both dried. Hitomi made a face mixed from exhaustion, exhilaration, and dissatisfaction as she achieved orgasm, and stepped inside her tub. The shower in "real life" was uneventful and quick. She was shaved, soaped, and shampooed quickly, and was out within the hour's end. She dried and changed into something new, then combed her hair, swabbed her wet ears, and brushed her teeth. She was ready for the next day of school, and her student, Lilian, the woman she had allowed to stay over again,was still in bed. She noticeably sighed and nudged the unresponsive heap. Lilian groaned and tossed until her hair became disheveled. Hitomi frowned and nudged rougher. Finally, Lilian stirred, smiling with unconditional love as she looked up into the wise, beautiful, steady face of her teacher and love interest. Madsen's heart broke with love, and for a moment, she wondered if she could make her fantasy real. She knew she had to end that relationship. Today. It would be today, before school. But she had promised herself that before, and every time she did, the "magnificent Madsen" failed. Lilian made her weak and needy like no drug ever could; her only desire was to hold the younger woman, caress her face, and envelop her in kisses until they were both lost and fell asleep, naked in each other's— She shook her head. Today. She would. "Wake up, Lilian," she said quietly. Lilian forced herself to sit up, and stretched. She scratched her neck and stomach, rubbed her face, and gave her teacher a dusky smile. Madsen's legs turned to pudding. Steady, girl. You can do this. So what if her face is captivating? So what that when every time she looks at you like that, you know she needs you and only wants to love you? So what if she would be perfect, so perfect for you, so perfect and so scandalously wrong, only a few months too young. Just a few months. She would be eighteen in January. It could work. You know you love her. "You had better make your shower quick," she advised her. "I'd like to speak with you, please. Don't worry, we've got time, and I'll drive you to school." Just don't lose your nerve and join her. Don't even look at the bathroom door. Make sure she takes her change of clothes with her. "And breakfast?" managed Lilian with a yawn. Madsen floundered for ideas. "Um, orange slices, toast, salmon sandwich..." "For breakfast?" "Salmon is very good for you. Besides, I hardly ever have anything left at the end of the week. Unless you'd like breakfast at school..." "Salmon sounds good. Bye." She smiled, waved, and was gone. Moments later, Hitomi could hear the water running and her so-called "girlfriend" humming. She took a breath meant to strengthen herself, and another. She began breakfast and started rehearsing what she would say to Lilian once they were both settled and attentive. She had to end their relationship, now. If Lilian were just a year older and not her student, there would be no hesitation at all: Hitomi would've gladly made the younger woman her lover. She adored shy girls, and could see that Miss Nachtheim, though as reclusive as one could get, was passionate and pure on the inside. She kept things hidden; Hitomi knew her love could be the key to opening her up. But she was not legal age yet. She was 17, eighteen in a mere four months, on her way to graduation. If Hitomi began a relationship with her, there would be trouble for them both, from legal to domestic. She would be fired or imprisoned, or both, and Lilian would be expelled, or at best, harshly disciplined by her parents and transferred. Hitomi didn't have the heart to do that to her worst enemy, let alone somebody she cared for with such depth. Age was only part of the terrible equation: Lilian was also her student. Hitomi was fully aware that many of her students eyed her, even those who considered themselves heterosexual. Some had been brave enough to make passes at her, others she knew talked about her as more than an object of admiration. She let those glide over her skin, but Lilian... It was a whole other story there. She could be fired or imprisoned for liaisons with a student, and Lilian... The result was the same in both situations. If only Lilian were older, and in college, learning from some other woman... But she wasn't. She was here, at this school, at that age, and up until ten—fifteen minutes ago, she had been in Hitomi's bed. In a tee and panties. Clutching the older woman like a lover. Kissing her. They had made out a little too heavily the previous night: Hitomi still shuddered when she remembered the albino's breath on her neck, her gentle hands touching her face, her lips gasping and clutching at will, her waist shifting into the early stages of gyration... Hitomi shook her head clear of such thoughts, and for good measure, she washed her face and drank some water. She breathed carefully. Lilian had felt so good... but it was all wrong. She was only grateful they had not gotten past heavy kissing and very mild petting. If they had made love, like she secretly wanted to... "Damn it," she whispered to herself, rubbing her face again. "I've got to end this relationship now. It's too addicting. We'll both be in trouble if I don't." She knew Lilian certainly wouldn't be the one to end it. She was the love-starved one, the "empty shell" that Hitomi had apparently filled, the great scar that had been sewn up and healed—she would not stop. In that sense, the senior-class woman was naïve and perhaps even foolish, so it was up to Hitomi, who knew better. She had felt that sting before; she did not want to feel it again. So she finished breakfast and waited. She heard the water turn off. Today. Soon. It would be today. As soon as they were ready. No kisses, no touches, no longing stares. Business. Cold, yes; cruel, yes; necessary, yes. It would break both their hearts, but it had to be done. Lilian—no, they both needed to be around women their own age (or in Hitomi's case, men and women). Yes, that seemed better. Of course, Hitomi knew she could easily find a lover herself, but Lilian would be another matter. She could only pray that the girl had found a friend during all those assignments she made her go on. Surely one of those girls she had studied loved her for the same reasons Hitomi did. Surely. Today. She just kept reminding herself. Today. Today. Soon. Now. ............ Now. She would have to do it now. Ayanna Montgomery had to break up with her girlfriend now. She and Gabrielle had gone out together for about a month--purely out of chance when the two met in gym class--discussed a few things, and figured it would be good to have girlfriends again. Ayanna liked Gabrielle, but she was too much like a friend and not enough like a lover. Gabrielle liked cuddling and holding hands, gentle shy kisses and shared silence, or days where they just hung out and did as they pleased. It was something a close friend would do, but not a potential lover. Besides, honestly, Gabrielle was not her type. Despite her perky persona, the young Irish lass was really very bashful when it came to romance, and Ayanna wanted somebody a little... wilder. Not that there hadn't been moments, but they had only been moments, and fleeting at that. Gabrielle proved herself feisty at times, and even insane with just a whisper of perversion (she remembered one recent night where they had made out on the couch, and the young redhead's hands slipped under Ayanna's shirt. Montgomery didn't mind and in fact wanted to go on, but the poor O'Shannon apologized, turned hot pink, and gathered her senses and belongings to leave). But she was a friend, and when it came down to it, the girls really didn't know each other. She shared drama and gym with the other girl, but they usually met outside the school building before their first classes. She would tell her then and get it over with. They would both probably be heartbroken because of it, but it had to be done. Ayanna just didn't feel like Gabrielle could be a good romantic partner, at least not for her. She just finished composing herself and convincing herself not to cave in for the third time when she saw the sprightly young woman skipping towards her, gay and full of life. She was wearing an adorable purple-blue turtleneck, the color of ripe raisins, and her standard jeans-that-had-been-ripped (these by accident; they were her favorite). Ayanna accepted her hug, but shied away from the kiss. "Hey, somethin' wrong?" asked O'Shannon. She looked happy, not that she ever seemed depressed or down, least not for long. Ayanna frowned. "Well, put that way, erm... yeah." "You wanna tell me about it? Here, walk me to class." Ayanna's head nodded. She had been taught by Madsen before, so she knew the way. As they walked, Gabrielle grinned and slipped her hand into Ayanna's grip, meshing pale-pink fingers with dark. Ayanna sighed and reasoned that she was going to miss such sweet intimacy—but she regained control and forced her hand away gently. "Listen, Gab," she began, "it's about us." "Oh, that make-out session we had?" Her face turned rouge. "Listen, I'm real sorry I got carried away. I ain't never done that before, and I kinda liked it, and I kinda didn't even know what I was doin', and I'm real sorry I made ya feel uncomfor—" "No, it's not that," she interrupted. "It's, well..." ............ "I think we should discontinue our relationship." "Why?" Lilian didn't even allow for silence, or reason. Hitomi picked at her fried egg, keeping away from the younger woman's heartbreaking red stare. "You know very well why," she answered, sounding more like Teacher-Madsen than Friend-Hitomi. "You're my student, I'm your teacher. It's wrong. Even if you weren't, you're far too young for me. I don't mind the age difference itself, it's just that... it's not really proper for a woman my age to be consorting with ladies underneath eighteen years." "But..." "Please, Lilian, think about it!" she implored. Lilian nearly blurted out again, but she stopped herself and let reason take over. Then she covered her eyes, hiding the small tears. Hitomi—Miss Madsen was right, and it hurt because she was right. Deep in her mind, even Lilian knew that what they had been doing was wrong, but she didn't care. Somebody had finally reached out to her, drew her close, held her tight, loved her for what she was, and had seen the pure, simple soul beneath that no other human had. She had loved Hitomi, almost from the start, and now... She could not be with her because of cruel circumstance. If only she were older. If only she had already graduated. If only, if only... Hitomi badly wanted to reach her hand out, touch Lilian's beautiful frail face, comb away her hair and kiss back her tears, but she had to be cold. If she submitted to weakness, everything would be for naught. She held back and drank her coffee, leaving Lilian to face this dark new problem on her own. "In time you may thank me for what I've done," she whispered firmly. "I don't like this anymore than you do, but we can't be together. I know a woman like you will recover. You can easily find another lover, somebody your own age, who understands you and sees you as a beautiful person." "That will not happen," moaned poor Lilian. She uncovered her face and stared at her teacher, her eyes bloodshot. "Look at me! I'm ugly!" "I disagree," replied Madsen coldly. "Now I'll have no more false assumptions, no more self-pity out of you. It's not becoming. Come, eat your breakfast; I'll drive you to school once you're ready. Hopefully we can put our immediate past behind us and behave properly, as a teacher and student should." "Where will I go at night?" she wondered weakly. "What will I do? I hate going home, I have no friends, I loved this place so..." Madsen sipped her coffee again. "You won't go here, at least not in the way you once did. As a friend, and infrequently, perhaps. I shouldn't have let you stay over in the first place, but that's my fault. I felt I needed to... well, it was my fault, and I apologize. You're a strong woman, Lilian—Miss Nachtheim. You'll adjust. Now, no more." "But my parents—" "No more," she repeated, her voice still calm and quiet. It trembled a tiny fraction as she added, "Hopefully they have not grown too worried, and they won't come sniffing around. I can only pray that our relationship's brevity did it some credit, because if people were to find out..." She leaned forward, and just in case Lilian didn't know, or she needed to be reminded of why Hitomi was letting her go, she emphasized, "Then I would be fired or imprisoned, and you would be expelled or transferred. That's why I'm doing this. Neither of us wants that." The albino shook her head. "No." "Then it's agreed." Hitomi crossed her legs and finished her coffee. Lilian managed to chew her orange slices absently. The minutes came and went. They said nothing until it was time to leave. Lilian was quiet for her part, all the way back to school and class. When the two women came to Madsen's room, they found Gabrielle O'Shannon crying softly outside. "Good morning, Miss O'Shannon," said Miss Madsen, using her most professional tone. She unlocked the door to her room and let the first two students inside, asking briefly, "Is anything the matter?" "Oh... just relational problems, ma'am." She nodded her head, her mouth curving slightly in empathy before she left them in privacy. As a very wise, very dear person had told her once, friendship was a good salve for emotional wounds, and O'Shannon's report on Lilian indicated she had grown fond of the older woman. Hitomi could only hope. ............ "But why?" The only answer Ayanna had was every reason she had gone over in her head, minutes earlier. Gabrielle was more friend than girlfriend, more buddy than lover, and certainly not her type. Inwardly she was sweet, gentle, and just the tiniest bit shy, despite being the most outspoken member of her "group". Ayanna tended to like girls who were more assertive, more sure of themselves during romantic situations—heck, more romantic, period. And finally, she didn't know much more about Gabrielle than she had when they first dated, except for the basics and maybe a few mild secrets. "But..." "Listen, I don't wanna make this hard," murmured Ayanna, crossing her arms in defense. "We've had some fun together, and now I think maybe it's time we break up and see other people. I'm sure you're not my type; I really can't see you as anything better than a friend. Besides, with you being so close to Liv and all, it's almost like I'm dating my cousin." Ayanna had a solid point, and Gabrielle could not argue with the logic, except at times by using a frail But. "I'm sorry," said Ayanna gently, resting her hand on the redhead's shoulder. "I don't mean to hurt you; I really like you, just not... in a romantic way. Do you hate me?" Gabrielle had a few small tears in her eyes, but she blinked them away and gave a strong sigh. "No, of course not. You're just the second girl who's broken up with me in a year, I think—maybe two years, I dunno. I just... feel there may be somethin' wrong with me." Ayanna gave her an encouraging smile, and to add to it, a hug. "Hey, there's nothin' wrong with you. You're just not the girl for me. But somewhere out there—" "Yeah, yeah, the ol' 'I'll find somebody eventually' routine. Eh, I don't mean to sound bitter, just discouraged. Look, you get on to class and maybe, a week or two from now, find someone you like—maybe a leggy blonde. I'll be all right. You know I'll bounce back." "You sure?" Gabrielle gave her a nod of confidence, and the two now-ex girlfriends parted in peace with silent waves, Ayanna going to her first hour class. Gabrielle sighed and wiped her face dry, then noticed Miss Madsen and Lilian approaching the classroom door together. She tried not to look a mess as she greeted them. "Good morning, Miss O'Shannon," said Miss Madsen, using her most professional tone. She unlocked the door to her room and let them both inside, asking briefly, "Is anything the matter?" "Oh... just relational problems, ma'am." The teacher nodded her head, giving her a kind smile of empathy before leaving. Miss Madsen always had the door unlocked, but didn't join class until a few seconds after it started. Only one person knew where she went between the unlocking ceremony and first bell, the kind of person who loved meeting her friend early on to discuss their latest interests, capers, and troubles—and would Hitomi have a story to unload that morning! "You have a bad day too?" asked Gabrielle of Lilian once they were settled and seated. The albino nodded, causing the younger girl to move out of her seat and join her. "Well, I figure if we tell each other bout' our bad days, maybe they won't be so bad. You first."
Back to All Girls School Index - Back to Original Fiction Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction