From a Skoolgirl
It was a lovely, lovely day at skool. Birds sang and other such lovely
things took place.
"So you see, class," Ms. Bitters, the beloved sixth-grade teacher said
as she turned off the videotape, "the vulture's horrible cry of doom
has been interpreted by some as a song used during courtship. Tomorrow
we will study the vulture's mating patterns."
Now, one COULD argue that Ms. Bitters was quite the opposite of
beloved. She always went on about doom and destruction and similar
hideous topics. But there was one student who wouldn't have it any other
way.
The lunch bell rang, and the class filed out of the room for the
cafeteria.
"Dib, you stay and write, 'If aliens are real they have infested my
brain and made me certifiably insane' fifty times on the chalkboard,"
Ms. Bitters ordered a particular student.
"Ow, that's harsh," said Aki as she left the room.
"Oh, I don't think so," replied Zita, half in a daze. "It's totally
appropriate. Dib's a basket case." She stopped walking to reach into
her backpack and pull out an oversized birthday card, a horrible picture
of the Ebola virus on the front. "Hey Aki, will you sign this? Ms.
Bitters' birthday is next week."
"How do you know THAT?"
"Oh... I found it out." Zita left out the part about breaking into the
skool late at night and digging through the records in the office. "I
also know her first name is Faith, her favourite organism is the Ebola
virus, she lives on Trueheart Street, and she has type Q-negative
blood." She sighed dreamily as Aki signed the card.
"That's not a blood type... you okay?" Aki waved her hand in front of
Zita's face. "Maybe you shouldn't be sitting behind Zim. His
freakishness is rubbing off on you."
Zita grinned. "Oh, I'm fine. Really." She put the card back into her
backpack. "C'mon, let's go get lunch."
---
After lunch, Ms. Bitters gave a lecture on the ritualistic sacrifices
of the Mayans. Very few students took notes. Zita was one of them, but
her notes weren't on the lecture.
"And I'll expect a ten-page report on my desk tomorrow morning," Ms.
Bitters (-Faith- Bitters, Zita thought to herself, and sighed)
announced as the bell rang. About half of the class made mental notes
to visit a free essay website when they got home, Zita among them.
The next morning, she handed in her printed-off essay and sat down.
"Today I'll play a video on the mating habits of the vulture," beloved
Bitters said, "as I grade your awful papers. Watch it."
No one watched it, except for Zim, who took notes in some code symbol
things. Dib spent the time tossing spitwads at Zim, Keef ate some
notebook paper, and Gretchen tried to reverse the magnetic force that
had stuck her ruler to her braces. Zita took notes, but they weren't on
the movie.
When the lunch bell rang, Ms. Bitters said, "Dib, you can skip
detention today. Zita, I'd like you to stay for a few minutes."
Zita's heart skipped a beat. Why would Ms. Bitters want to talk to her?
Alone? 'It must be about my essay,' she told herself. 'She must know I
plagiarised it. But EVERYONE in this class plagiarises essays...'
When the room was empty, she walked up to her teacher's desk. "Y-yes,
ma'am?"
Ms. Bitters glared at the still-open door. It closed on its own. "When
you turned in your essay today..."
Zita gulped. 'Oh no...'
"You handed this in by mistake, as well." Bitters handed her a sheet of
notebook paper decorated with hearts surrounding the words "Bitters."
Zita winced as she saw the poem she'd been writing yesterday there, in
plain sight: "Faith Bitters, Faith Bitters, the luv of my life, wont you
pleese becom my wife? Faith Bitters, oh teecher, cannot you see my hart
has been snached away by thee!"
Zita took the paper, a furious blush on her face. "Th-thank you, ma'am."
"You may go now."
She stuffed the paper into her backpack and walked to the door, her
head down in shame. As she opened the door she glanced back slightly,
but
Bitters just flipped through some still-ungraded essays.
Zita sighed and left the room. 'I'm so stupid...'
Only later did she notice the red marks on her paper. Ms. Bitters had
corrected her spelling errors.
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