Elusive Innocence
It is evening in Paris. The sun wanes slowly overhead, deepening the
shadows to a ruddy orange. The streets are packed, especially at this
hour. Late summer no less. I’m standing at the corner of a busy
intersection, waiting for the light to change. The bag containing our
dinner weighs heavily against my hand. I don’t see why I had to go
pick it up. The restaurant delivers.
Lazily, I scratch at the back of my neck, chasing away an errant
insect. The bugs are out in full force this year. Or so you keep
saying. I wouldn’t know, I haven’t spent many summers in France, but
I’m inclined to trust you. Still, I find the creatures to be more of
a nuisance than the needle-wielding maniacs you make them out to be.
The thought brings a small smile to my face. I remember, just
yesterday, the look of pure disgust you wore as you gaped at the
gigantic fly floating in the toilet. In fact, you were so consumed
with being revolted, that you actually forgot to thank me for getting
rid of the thing. Which, in retrospect, is probably better. After
all, I hate to kill things I don’t have to, even if they are just
flies or spiders. I only do it because I know you can’t stand leaving
them around. You’re such a girl. Even if sometimes you act like
you’re not.
This light is taking forever. I’m impatient to get home now. I want
to get out of this sweltering heat and into the climate controlled
bliss of our apartment. I want to see you again, even if it’s barely
been fifteen minutes. I want to touch your soft blonde hair and
inhale the scent of your shampoo.
I glance up to find that the light has finally turned green and people
are starting to push past me. Just as I step onto the street, two
teenage girls on a single bicycle rush by, laughing as they roar
ahead. One of them is sitting on the seat, her hands on the waist of
the other, who is standing up and pedaling wildly. They’re only a few
years younger than I am, and I don’t know what they’re laughing about,
but they seem so happy. And all of sudden, I wish we could have that.
I wish we could have that same innocent joy, even if I know it will
probably never be possible.
I’m reminded of that yellow scooter you used to have. I wonder what
happened to it. I wonder what it would be like to ride that with you
now. I think it’d be a lot of fun. My pace quickens.
Within minutes, I’m climbing the stairs to our apartment, the bag of
food banging unceremoniously against my leg. Sweat is running off my
forehead now, but I refuse to slow down. The key is hastily pulled
from my pocket, and I open the door to be greeted by clean cool air.
The lights are out, leaving the apartment bathed in the soft glow of
the setting sun. Slanting rays of red and orange highlight the
furniture, revealing dust motes floating in the air. There is soft
music playing, a quiet rhythmic tune, devoid of vocals, but filled
with sounds of instruments I don’t recognize. A classical piece
perhaps? It’s not the sort of thing you usually listen to.
The bathroom door is ajar, light flickering from the inside. The
water isn’t running, but I can hear small splashing sounds inside.
Silently, I close the apartment door behind me and make my way to the
kitchen. Candles are standing on the table, tall and white, but these
aren’t the ones giving off that scent your so fond of, the one that
permeates the apartment right now. In fact, these candles on the
table aren’t even lit yet. I place the food on the table, not
bothering to unwrap it. My feet follow my nose to the bathroom door.
The scented candles are indeed in here. Gently, I push the door open.
You smile as I step lightly into the room. Even though your eyes are
closed, you know it’s me.
Cream-coloured candles are burning in the sink, the smell of herbs and
citrus blending with that of your lilac-scented bath oil. Flickering
light dances across walls, casting wavy shadows over the water in the
bathtub. Your hands rise out of the water, brushing your long hair
back as you open your eyes.
“Hi.” You greet me as though it were perfectly normal for me to barge
in on your bath.
I smile when I see you, when I look into the hidden depths of those
perfect sapphire orbs that define who you are. Your eyes are telling
me, that in the short time I was gone, you missed me as much as I did
you. I don’t know when I learned to read so much into a look, a
simple gaze, but I can’t imagine not being able to do it anymore. If
your eyes ever lost that sparkle, if you ever closed that off to me, I
think I would lose myself.
“Hi.” The distance between us closes somehow, and I’m kneeling next
to the tub when I return your greeting. “Dinner’s waiting.”
“That was fast.”
“I... umm... ran home on the way back.” I admit, knowing that this
will only get me teased.
“Missed me already?”
I look away, thinking of nodding, but before I can decide, your hands
are on me, under my arms, pulling me into the tub. I land in your lap
with a great splash, spilling a good deal of the water. What’s left
though, soaks through my light clothes immediately, plastering them to
my skin. I’m trying to thrash around, but your arms are around me,
holding me tightly, and besides, I kind of like it here. I’m all too
aware of your lips on my neck, your hands on my belly, your naked body
pressing against my back.
“What was that for?” I ask indignantly when we’ve finally calmed
enough to speak again.
“You looked like you needed a bath.”
I can’t argue that. I probably did look like I needed a bath. So
instead, I just close my eyes and lean back against you. It’s
strangely erotic, sitting in the bathtub with my clothes on, being
able to feel your naked body around me. Your hands are wandering,
undressing me, and I don’t mind that one bit either.
I love you, Mireille. I know we haven’t come out to each other and
said it like that, but that won’t change how I feel. I’ve even
convinced myself that I don’t really need to hear it from you. I know
we can’t ever have that innocent love I crave sometimes. I know I
remind you of something you can’t ever have back. And I know that,
sometimes, you’re not sure you’re doing the right thing, staying here
with me, and that’s holding you back. But I just want to make you
happy again, I just want to kiss you again.
Maybe it’s not innocence that I need. Maybe all I want is that
carefree selfless abandon that you keep showing me. Maybe everything
I need is already here with me, right now.
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