The first thing I asked when Anna-chan finally joined me, dressed, phone in hand, and cursing softly, was “What’s wrong?”
She only shook her head, falling face first onto her bed.
I glanced at her phone. “What did Kasumi say?”
She mumbled something, but I didn’t catch it. She repeated, “It’s nothing.” She sighed and looked up at me pleadingly, “I’m sorry, Izumi-san… but I feel exhausted. I don’t think I’m up to going to the mansion today. So could you just…?”
I frowned, leaning forward to feel her forehead. I was honestly surprised when she flinched away from my touch. For as long as I can recall, Anna-chan never did that. She always seemed so fearlessly ready to jump to the next thing…
“I’m not sick.” She shook her head as she sat up. “I just… could you just let me be for a little while? Alone? It’s been a long day…”
It wasn’t that bad, was it? Well… she did spend her morning trying to reach me… and then we met at the café… spent time in the lingerie store… met a couple of guys in the movie theater… and with Kasumi calling… I sighed and nodded, standing up. “All right. Do you still want to come to the mansion? If not today, then tomorrow.”
“I’ll think about it. Not today though.”
‘I had a feeling she would say that…’ “Okay. Give me a call if you want to hang out again, won’t you? I promise I won’t hang up on you if you don’t.”
She chuckled softly, but it really did sound weary. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
I nodded as I shook my clothes on my body. The heater had already pretty much dried them just from waiting for Anna-chan. “Well, the sky cleared up, so I’ll just get going now.”
She stood up, seeing me to the door. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss… as if we were a couple that was breaking up.
But that was absurd. She had a fiancée and I had…
…A door shut in my face.
The apartment number burned itself into my memory.
I left the hotel building behind, opting to walk without the presence of Anna-chan’s luggage to bog me down.
Reflecting back on our day together, I laughed at all the small things that had happened to us, as if a stronger force were pushing us together. As if someone wanted us to be together.
But if that were so, why did I meet June instead of her in college?
‘Because she had already given up on you by then.’
But then why did she come back here, right before getting married?
‘Because she wanted to see you.’
I sighed up at the clouds. This made no sense whatsoever.
‘Love rarely does.’
“I’m not in love with her!”
I blinked, and then blushed, as I looked around and noticed I had said that aloud… in front of a street full of strangers. I coughed and sped up a little.
I’m not. There’s no way I could be.
‘Why not?’
Because she’s a girl, for one!
‘So is June. But you still-‘
That was nothing serious. It was just… college experimenting.
‘If you had been in the mind to experiment, Anna-chan would have been just as open to it.’
I snorted at myself. If I had gone to Anna-chan to ‘experiment’ she would have put us down for marriage in Holland in ten seconds flat.
‘Do you hate the thought of marrying her so much? Just because she’s a girl?’
Well… I don’t hate it so much as I…
‘Would you rather marry Yoshitaka?’
“Hell no!”
I gulped, turning up my collar as I hurried even more down the street. I had to stop doing that…
‘So you hate Anna-chan less than Yoshitaka?’
Of course I do, Anna-chan’s my friend…
‘But she’s a girl. Didn’t you hate her because she was a girl?’
But Yoshitaka’s not even a guy. He’s more like a… a… swine with pearl ears!
‘But you still insist on being with him. Does that make you a rich farmer?’
I scoffed at the idea of being rich. He will never give me anything that will make me feel anything but dirty, let alone rich.
‘How does Anna-chan make you feel then? On a normal basis?’
Dependable… like if I came home to her she would pounce on me without fail…
‘You want her devotion?’
I startled myself out of it when I realized I was already at the mansion gate. My mind was playing tricks on me. It won’t work. She’s devoted to Kasumi now.
‘But that means at one point, she was devoted to you. Do you miss that?’
As I stepped through the door, Pochi ran up and tackled me.
As Mitsuki came running in to call Pochi off, I sighed.
It’s not her devotion that I missed. She wasn’t that different from Pochi here.
‘Then what is it? You told her you missed her. Why?’
Mitsuki asked how my outing was. I just nodded and went to take a bath. Of course she would follow me.
I don’t know why I missed her. I just felt kind of empty without her perkiness around.
‘What makes her perkiness different from anyone else you live with? Mitsuki? Yoshitaka? Even Pochi?’
I undressed and poured hot water over me before starting to lather. I don’t know. She was just… different.
‘Because she loved you?’
“Nee-chan, want me to wash your back?”
I looked over my shoulder at her and laughed before nodding. “Please. I’ll wash yours, too.”
No… I know the others love me, too… it isn’t that…
I was distinctly reminded of my conversation with June not long ago. I hadn’t gotten anywhere since then.
‘Absolutely nothing that happened today made you realize your love for Anna-chan?’
I’m not in love with her, dammit! Stop implying that I am!
‘Denial is the first step to acceptance.’
Who decided that that was the truth in the first place?!
‘…You did.’
…What?
“Nee-chan… are you all right? You’re getting tense…”
“I’m fine… Just… stressed…”
‘You don’t feel the impulse to hug her and never let go?’
Of course not. She’s just a friend.
‘Then why didn’t you let her go during the movie?’
I… what?
‘You don’t remember watching the actors on the screen kiss… imagining that it was you and Anna-chan up there?’
I never did any such thing! I…
‘That’s why you were so stiff… and you refused to look at her the whole time… wasn’t it.’
That was because I was paying attention to the movie! The plot!
‘Then what was the plot of the story?’
Um… Uh… there were monsters… and chainsaws… and a lot of blood…
‘And messy kisses…’
I wasn’t paying attention to that part!
‘Only because your dreams are so vivid that you didn’t need to pay the movie much mind.’
Shut up! Shut up! That’s not what happened!
Deaf to Mitsuki’s shouts, I ran and dived headfirst into the hot bath.
‘Why are you so scared of your own feelings? No one will fault you for having them…’
I shivered even as I soaked in the hot water.
I remembered June’s question. “Who do you love?”
‘What makes Anna-chan so different from the others that love you?’
As I felt Mitsuki’s hand on my shoulder, asking why I bolted like that, I sincerely felt like I wanted to cry.
Resting my exhausted head on Mitsuki’s shoulder, I finally put an answer to everyone’s questions.
“Because… back then… she was the only one I hated myself for loving like I did.”
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