Sei It Ain't So
Im lying on the bed, counting the cracks in the ceiling, trying not
to think about how I feel. Emotional pain is abstract. I know its
out there, but somehow it doesnt touch me the same way it used to.
Sometimes, it seems as though there isnt anything that can reach me.
Dont listen to me. Im not always like this. Depression is a
strange state of mind. Not that Im chronically depressed, mind you,
but I just broke up with someone, so cut me some slack. Usually Im
unbearably cheery, but I guess you could say Im just hiding the real
pain.
Its okay though. Im not that distraught over losing my girlfriend.
I mean, it wasnt ever serious. Not to me anyway. And its certainly
not the first time Ive broken it off with someone. Nor is it likely
to be the last. I guess I just dont know what Im looking for. Or
rather I do know, but I dont want to admit it.
Im becoming sick again, sick of these smiling people, sick of these
pointless classes, sick of all this worthless drivel I go through day
after day. But here I am anyway, in my college dorm room, watching
the paint peel overhead. I dont know how long Ive been here, but
time seems so inconsequential at the moment.
The rattling of the door interrupts my brooding however, and my
roommate Aya bursts in, a pile of books in her hand. Except for the
glasses, she looks a lot like Sachiko: tall frame, long hair and all.
She even has that refined, elegant look about her, but thats all it
is, a look. Shes a little bit of a klutz, but lovably so.
Groaning at the weight of the books, she trudges over to me and drops
the whole pile on the bed. Then she smiles and points her finger at
my nose. "What are you doing on my bed, Sei?"
"My mattress is all lumpy."
"Hmph. I have a big exam tomorrow, and you know I study better on my
bed, so move. Besides, shouldnt you be in class?"
Grumbling, I pull my arm up to my face so I can see my watch.
Two-forty. "Yeah." My arm falls back to the bed, limp.
She becomes serious all of a sudden, and she clears away the books so
she can sit on the bed. "Is something wrong?"
"I broke up with Hisa."
She doesnt quite huff at me, but I can tell thats her reaction. Not
that Id blame her even if she let it out. Love em and leave em,
thats me. At least, thats how Ive been as long as Ayas known me.
Still, in my current state of mind, I think I need more from my
roommate than a simple brush-off.
"Usually that doesnt get much of a reaction out of you."
And shes right, no matter how much I may hate the fact. Ive been
drifting from relationship to relationship, and nothings really
changed, but somehow, this time, I feel different. Its not that Hisa
meant that much to me. I hate myself for saying that, but the truth
hurts sometimes. Its just that I dont feel like playing this game
anymore. I feel as though Ive lost myself somewhere, in the time
between graduation and now, and I no longer like who Ive become.
But thats my problem, and not Ayas. She has an exam to worry about.
I should get out of her hair.
"Youre right." In one fluid motion, I sweep off the bed and onto my
feet. Raggedly, I run a hand through my tangled hair. At least my
eyes are still dry, if thats even something to be proud of.
"Youre going to be okay?"
I turn back towards her at the question, my hand already on the
doorknob. I hadnt really expected that from her. "Yeah. Ill leave
the room to you. Good luck with your studying."
"Where are you going?" Its good to know she actually cares though,
just in case I need something to fall back on.
"Just into town for a bit. Maybe Ill go see a movie or something.
Itll be good to feel someone elses emotions for a little while."
Because right now, all I have in my heart is that mind-numbing sense
of apathy.
- [ ] -
I step out of my taxi in front of the cinema and for all its glamour,
the theater is quite deserted. But it is the middle of the afternoon,
on a working day no less.
An unseasonably brisk wind picks up as I look up at the show times,
and I find myself hugging my arms around my body, taking note of the
overcast skies. I wish Id had the good sense to bring my coat.
Still, if I make a quick choice and get inside, maybe itll be warmer
when the movies over.
Unfortunately, none of the titles look appealing to me. In fact,
there isnt much of anything at all in life that looks appealing at
the moment. But thats just the depression shining through again.
So instead, I let my feet carry me down the street, and my aimless
wandering begins. Or at least, it starts out aimless enough. Im
just waltzing along, taking random turns and peering into random store
windows, which isnt all that different from how I usually spend my
free time. But eventually, the cold gets the better of me, and I rub
my arms furiously as my pace quickens, trying to keep warm.
When the rain starts to fall, it does so without warning, pelting down
in one torrential wave. Im drenched before I can take two steps,
even though thats all it takes to duck into the entranceway of a
nearby building, which, as fate would have it, happens to be a church.
It seems strange to me, that even after a lifetime of Catholic
schooling, I feel no particular connection to the faith. Or maybe
its because of that Catholic schooling. Nonetheless, this church is
providing shelter at the moment, and for that Im thankful.
Lightning rends the sky, and the cold wind cuts effortlessly through
my wet clothes. I watch the rain for a few minutes, powerless as the
storm intensifies. I both hate and love the rain. It brings promise
with it, the promise of life, of rebirth, but it also brings memories
with it, memories of time past and opportunities lost. With no other
choice, I pull open the heavy wooden door and slip inside the
sanctuary.
- [ ] -
The door closes behind me, muting the turmoil outside, but not that in
my mind. The lobby of the church is tiny and cramped, simply a small
room opening into the chapel proper. I head deeper inside the church,
studiously avoiding the carpeted path laid out. I would hate to drip
all over someone elses carpet. Silently, I seat myself in the pews,
somewhere in the middle of the empty church, and shake out my damp
hair.
The chapel is cozy and dim, only the most meager amount of light
making its way past the stained glass windows. At the base of the
altar, a few candles are lit, casting flickering shadows across the
dark walls.
In here, the storm seems distant, as though it could never touch me.
Only if I strain, can I hear the drumming of raindrops, and even then,
it is very soft, part of the background. The silence in the church is
reassuring, not at all ominous. Theres a quiet serenity to the
place, even despite my seeming lack of faith.
Perhaps Fate was right to guide me to this place.
Im not much of a praying person. I never was, but right now, in the
face of everything thats going on, it seems fitting. So I close my
eyes, put my hands together, and incline my head. But nothing comes
to me. I dont know what to say. If I were to speak my mind, it
would sound too much like Im asking for something, and I really dont
think thats the purpose of prayer.
Frustrated, I growl, shaking my head to clear it, and opening my eyes
to find that Im no longer alone. Theres a nun standing in one of
the doorways leading out of the chapel, and shes holding a towel in
her hands. She looks young, for a nun, and she doesnt seem plain or
simple either. Even at a distance, her features are strong and
defined. She looks familiar somehow, underneath that concealing
costume, but it isnt until she speaks that the face comes crashing
back through my memories.
Her voice is soft and gentle, dragging me back to that day in the
greenhouse so long ago. "I didnt want to interrupt your prayers, but
I brought you a towel if youre wet from the rain."
Part of me wants to stand and run over to her or run away, but another
part keeps me rooted in place. I dont think she recognizes me yet.
Im not sure if I want her to.
"Shiori?" The name is torn from my throat as she steps closer.
"Sei?" And the uncertainty in my heart is suddenly reflected on her
face.
I always thought that if I ever saw her again, I would feel something,
something other than the fear and self-doubt gripping me at the
moment. Yet despite the obvious trepidation in both of us, the gap
closes, and she is sitting next to me, handing me the towel.
Mechanically, I take it from her, put it over my head, start drying my
hair. At least I wont have to look at her while Im doing this.
"What are you doing here?" She asks, and Im grateful that Im not
the one who had to think of something to say first.
"Getting away from the rain." Theres more I want to say, more I want
to ask, but this day has just been too much too fast, and I dont know
what to do anymore.
Were silent for a moment, the two of us collecting our thoughts and
sorting out our emotions, but I still have my towel to hind behind. I
need to think of something to say, something safe, something trivial,
something that wont remind us of the last time we didnt see each
other.
"What about you," I continue, "what are you doing here?"
"Learning, practicing, offering guidance to those who need it" Shes
so calm and soft-spoken, its unnerving. I wonder if thats a
rehearsed look. I wonder if that disarmingly soothing voice is
something shes worked on relentlessly.
I offer a fake smile. "Im happy for you. Youre living your dream."
"And yours?"
I chuckle, almost as though she were making a joke. "I dont dream
anymore."
She becomes small, all of sudden, shrinking away from me, and the
maturity that was there only seconds ago vanishes. "Is that because
of me?"
To be honest, I dont even know anymore. I dont answer her.
Instead, I let out the despondent sigh that Ive been holding in all
day. Theres something she wants to say, but she holds off because of
my reaction. I give her a few seconds, but with nothing forthcoming,
I stand and head towards the door.
Theres a moments hesitation before she gives chase, and she doesnt
reach me until my hand is on the heavy handle of the front doors.
Still, theres a small part of me that warms at the thought of her
even bothering to follow.
"Where are you going?" Her words are clear, but their impact is lost
to the storm raging outside the now-open door.
"Im late for class." The rain is lighter now, but not by much, and
Im soaked again before I make it to sidewalk. The wind however, is
just as cold, and my wet clothes only serve to remind me of the warmth
inside the church. It takes all of my willpower not to look back.
Still, I only manage about twenty paces before a hand on my wrist
stops me.
"Im sorry, Sei. What else do you want to hear?"
I turn to face her, jerking my hand away, with words rising in the
back of my throat. But the young woman standing next to me isnt a
nun anymore. This is the Shiori I used to know, the girl filled with
both passion and docility, the girl who held an indescribable gentle
power over me. Shes standing there, in her wet clothes, and those
havent changed, but her eyes are alight with the fire that I used to
crave seeing.
Theres a stunned silence between us, and in my mind, Im reliving the
day I met her. Then all of a sudden, my mouth is moving, but the
words coming out arent the biting sarcastic ones I had in mind.
Instead, theyre the ones Ive hidden so deeply within myself I hardly
even recognize them anymore.
"That you still remember every single day we spent together. That you
think of me, every time it rains. That you sit by the window, press
your hand to the glass, and pretend were still in that greenhouse. I
want you to say, that Im not the only one with this sick empty
feeling in my chest. I want you to say, that you used to love me but
were afraid of what it meant." Im not finished, but I need to pause
for breath at this point, because the rain and the tears are drowning
me. For a moment, all is quiet save for the sound of raindrops, and
the harshness of my whisper breaking the silence is almost painful.
"I want you to say that you still love me."
"I cant." She says, and even though I never expected anything else,
my heart screams.
"Why not?"
Its her turn to whisper. "Because if I say it out loud, I wont be
able to deny it anymore."
Its only then that I see shes crying also, and I desperately wish I
could change that. "Run away with me." And I know Im echoing the
past, but maybe all I really want is to recapture whatever it was we
had back then. Maybe all I want is another chance to hold onto that.
"What are we running from, Sei?" She sounds resigned, defeated
almost, and I hate hearing her like that. But her words have the ring
of truth to them, and I cant help seeing that shes right.
"Shiori..." I take a step towards her, my hands reaching for hers,
the ones I so callously discarded just a few moments ago. "Im tired
of running."
She doesnt break away from me, and for that Im grateful. She
doesnt fight me either, as my hands touch her shoulders and pull
them towards me. Her warm body is an inviting oasis in the cold rain.
With my cheek is resting against hers, I whisper into her ear, my
voice suddenly weak. "Im tired, Shiori, please dont run anymore."
And even though Ive already laid myself bare, asking her to stay is
the hardest thing.
I dont even know how we got here so fast, from civil conversation in
the church to crying against each other in the rain, but it lets me
hope that theres still something between us. Id always thought that
after all this time, it wouldnt mean anything to me anymore Id
always thought that I was stronger than this, and that Id buried it
deep enough. But its strange sometimes, how quickly life can turn
around and slap you in the face.
Shioris clinging to me, as though the world was ending around us, and
for some reason, I cant find it in myself to look at her. Theres a
part of me that wishes I could laugh and say something witty, but Ive
just come to the startling realization that I no longer like the
person Ive been pretending to be. So instead, I close my eyes, and
pull her tightly against me, even though I know this probably wont
last, and that, in a little while, shell come to her senses and push
me away. Still, maybe I need this. Maybe I need the closure I never
really got before. But thats a selfish thing to think, its all
about me and not about her.
"Shiori?" I compose myself somehow, good sense prevailing over
emotions. "Maybe we should get out of the rain."
She looks at me then, and something pulls at my heart, but shes
already stepped away from me, and the loss of contact is a world of
difference. Im cold again, all of a sudden, and horribly struck by
the fact that she really is a nun.
I wish I could see past those clothes shes wearing, and Im revolted
by what I was thinking of only moments ago. For a few minutes, were
just standing there dumbly, our wet clothes dripping onto ground.
"Maria-sama is watching." I dont know why I say that. I only know
that I have to break the deafening silence of the rain pounding down
around us, and I can already feel another rejection coming. Itll
give her an excuse. Itll let me run away again, and things can go
back to the way they used to be. I dont know why Im afraid again.
Im supposed to older now, wiser, but it certainly doesnt feel that
way.
Im completely unprepared, when she takes off her veil and shakes out
her hair, almost as though she could tell I was uncomfortable with her
attire and everything it symbolized. Im even more shocked, when she
leans forward and kisses me.
Its just a quick brushing of her lips against mine, wet and slick
from the rain. There are tears in her eyes still, but her voice is
clear when she finally speaks. "Let her watch." Her hand falls
neatly into mine and we start moving, along the road, away from the
church.
There are so many things I need to think through right now, but my
mind just isnt up to it. Now is not the time. For the moment, its
just Shiori and I, alone in the rain, and our whirlwind of emotions.
There are no more words between us, but thats okay too. Therell be
time for that later. For now, its just her fingers locked with mine,
and the pleasant twinkle in her eyes.
And as we walk down the street, with Heaven crying on us, I cant help
but feel like Im sixteen again, and everythings all right.
- [ ] -
END
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