Natsuki…
Shizuru rested in the protective arms of her beloved. That night was the first time in her life she’d ever exposed herself so fully to anyone else, made herself so vulnerable. And Natsuki had loved the exposed Shizuru she’d seen and taken advantage of her vulnerability to bring her to heights of pleasure she’d never imagined being possible. Everything was right; it was the perfect moment, and she wanted it to last forever.
Sure, she could find doubts if she wanted to. How had Natsuki ever gotten so good at lovemaking? Did she have a secret history of lesbian lovemaking? No, of course not. She could worry about the real reason later. And what about Natsuki’s courage? How long could that last? Even last night, was Natsuki afraid of opening herself up to Shizuru?
Shizuru pushed all these doubts to the back of her mind. They didn’t matter, anyways. Besides, it might even be fun to play with an easily embarrassed Natsuki again. This night was good enough to keep her satisfied until she could work up Natsuki to that point again. A grin broke out on Shizuru’s face as she imagined Natsuki’s cheeks lighting up in a beautiful blush.
Ara, I really hope she’ll never get too courageous that I won’t be able to do that to her anymore… No, I won’t let that happen, however drastic I have to get with my teasing. As soon as I’m able to give her her own perfect first time like this, I won’t have to limit myself anymore. I could certainly have a lot of fun with her with no limits…
Shizuru forcibly stopped her mind from going down that road. There’d be plenty of time to fantasize about what she could do to Natsuki later, but the time she could spend just lying in Natsuki’s arms basking in the afterglow of her first time was limited. So with this goal, she let her mind drift back to the all the pleasure Natsuki had brought her. Her mind relived the events over and over, trying to relish every sensation she could recall, from the first kiss they’d shared that night to her climax and Natsuki gradually bringing her back to earth.
She’d really have to pay Natsuki back for this, she decided. It would take a lot of work to make it this good, but she would do everything she could. Natsuki deserved it, after all, even if it wasn’t for what she’d just done for Shizuru. Ara, and to think that Natsuki actually gave me a coupon for this! I should really be giving her an extra for it, if anything. Hmm, maybe I really should, if all of her favors are going to be this good. Well, I’ll give her this one back at least, and focus the next favor on giving her an equally perfect night.
A ray of sunlight slipped into Shizuru’s vision, laying across Natsuki’s chest. As the minutes passed, it slowly worked its way up her body, eventually illuminating her angelic sleeping face for Shizuru’s eyes. Her position wasn’t quite the best to view it though, so with a little regret, she pulled herself up to get closer to it, trying not to disentangle herself from Natsuki’s arms.
Fortunately, Natsuki seemed to be trying to help her out here, even through her sleep. As Shizuru pulled up, Natsuki’s arms loosened slightly, before tightening back again as soon as she came to rest, her head on the pillow facing Natsuki’s. She spent many more minutes gazing at her love’s beautiful visage, relishing the fact that Natsuki was finally hers.
Eventually, her gaze drifted down to Natsuki’s cute lips, which seemed to just be dying for some attention. The urge passed through her to move in and give them a tender kiss, but she hesitated. They were a couple now, and it should be alright, but it still felt too similar to the time she’d stolen a kiss from Natsuki in her sleep. But still, she really wanted to get past her demons, and Natsuki surely wouldn’t mind…
“Natsuki?” Shizuru whispered hesitantly to her lover. “I want to kiss you. I don’t know if this will filter into your sleep, but I’d really like to have your permission. Please? May I?”
She really didn’t know what she’d been expecting in response. Natsuki couldn’t have given her much at any rate. Maybe a muttering in her sleep or something. But no response was forthcoming. Shizuru gave out a soft sigh. Even though she knew Natsuki wouldn’t mind at this point, she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. She just couldn’t risk letting herself take advantage of the girl again.
“It’s alright, Shizuru. I give you my permission,” a small voice in Shizuru’s head said, sounding like Natsuki. Shizuru allowed herself to drift into a daydream to converse with this voice, and she found herself face-to-face once more with her Dream Natsuki.
“Are you sure? But you can’t do anything to stop me. I’d be taking advantage of you,” she said to the image of Natsuki in her mind.
“Baka,” Dream Natsuki teased. “Why would I ever want to stop you? I love your kisses. I love you, Shizuru. You don’t have to ask my permission to do something nice for me.”
Shizuru let out a light chuckle as she drifted down from her daydream. Her inner image of Natsuki was right; there was nothing to worry about anymore. It wasn’t a betrayal; it was just kissing her girlfriend and giving her a little happiness in her sleep. With this in mind, Shizuru moved her head forward and brought her lips to her lover’s, intent on giving her this bit of happiness.
Their lips met, and Shizuru started gently moving hers against Natsuki’s. Almost immediately, her partner’s lips started moving back in time with hers, reassuring Shizuru that Natsuki didn’t mind. She focused all of her mind on the feeling of Natsuki’s lips against hers, the sweet velvet bringing the message of love from the girl. The world around Shizuru seemed to fade, and nothing existed except for her lips and Natsuki’s.
A tongue tentatively slipped its way into Shizuru’s mouth, surprising the girl for a moment that Natsuki would get into a kiss in her sleep. Of course, she wasn’t going to protest, and she brought her own tongue in to play with it, delighting in the feel and taste of the soft organ in her mouth. This response actually elicited a soft chuckle from Natsuki, though it was mostly muffled by their kiss.
Had she woken her friend up? Shizuru opened her eyes to check on the girl, while trying not to forget to attend to the tongue in her mouth. Her eyes found the beautiful visage of Natsuki in front of her, her own eyes open and gazing adoringly at Shizuru. The two held eye contact for a minute, before Natsuki slowly withdrew her tongue and backed her head away from Shizuru, much to her displeasure.
Natsuki gave a mirthful grin at Shizuru’s pout. “I figured that would be the perfect way to wake you up,” she said as she allowed her head to drop back to the pillow.
The pout dropped from Shizuru’s face as the meaning of Natsuki’s words struck her. “Natsuki was kissing me in my sleep?” So had she been the one asleep then, instead of Natsuki? And that message from her Dream Natsuki, was that her mind telling her that Natsuki had started kissing her in her sleep, so it should be alright?
Unfortunately, dropping her pout and getting contemplative seemed to have given Natsuki the wrong idea about her emotional state. Her cheerful expression rapidly turned into concern and guilt, a blush rising on her face as she started to get flustered. “Oh no, Shizuru, I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t have done that without your permission! I don’t know what I was thinking. You were just so beautiful and I wanted to give you one more sweet experience to finish off the night before we had to get up, but now I’ve-”
Natsuki trailed off as Shizuru couldn’t hold herself back any longer and burst out into a fit of laughter. Her expression sunk into confusion and then embarrassment as she realized her faux pas. “Forgive me,” Shizuru said between giggles. “Natsuki is just too cute when she’s flustered.”
Natsuki’s face turned a deeper shade of red at this, and a repressed smile barely managed to form despite her efforts to look angry. “Baka!” she said as gave Shizuru’s shoulder a playful slap. “You really had me worried there.”
“Ara, don’t be worried, Natsuki,” Shizuru said as she was finally able to bring her laughter to a lull. “I’ll never be mad at you for kissing me, awake or asleep.”
A smile broke out on Natsuki’s face as she got her embarrassment under control, unfortunately also causing her blush to fade. “Thank you, Shizuru,” she said. “You can kiss me anytime I’m asleep, too, if you want. I know how much trouble you have resisting that.”
If only you knew, Natsuki… To cover up her lecherous thoughts, Shizuru decided to see if she could get Natsuki’s blush to return. “Ara, Natsuki won’t let me kiss her anytime she’s awake as well?”
“Nope,” Natsuki said, parrying Shizuru’s tease and striking back with a riposte. “Because I know you’ll use it to embarrass me at every opportunity in public if I do.”
Shizuru was quick to go into full pout mode at this. “But Natsuki is so cute when she blushes, and I know she secretly likes it even though she’d never admit it. Doesn’t Natsuki want to be cute for her girlfriend to make her happy?”
The gratuitous use of “girlfriend” managed to make Natsuki blush again, though she wasn’t going to relent that easily. She gave out a sigh and dropped the pretenses of joking around. “I’m sorry, Shizuru, but I still don’t know how comfortable I am with other people knowing about us. I think I used up all my courage last night.”
Aw, I knew that had to be hard for you, despite your strong façade. Shizuru leaned her head forward and gave Natsuki a quick kiss on the tip of her nose. “And I thank you for that, Natsuki. I can hold myself back when we’re in public if that’s what you need,”
“Thank you, Shizuru,” Natsuki said, relief evident on her face.
“Now, holding myself back in private is quite another matter…” Shizuru said, giving her voice a seductive tone and moving her face forward to Natsuki’s. She whispered the next few words to her lover, “I still have to pay you back for last night, if you remember.”
Natsuki’s eyes widened in surprise, and she instinctively pushed herself away from Shizuru. The reaction caused Shizuru’s mood to fade in an instant, and a pain struck her heart. There was no ulterior motive to the sad expression she gave Natsuki now. Natsuki’s expression immediately softened into regret as she saw the change in Shizuru, and she promptly leaned forward to grasp Shizuru into a hug.
“I’m sorry, Shizuru,” Natsuki whispered into her ear, her voice quivering. Shizuru could feel her body trembling in the hug, and she tentatively reached her own arms around to support the girl. “I want to let you, I really do, but I think I just used up all my courage last night. Just give me a little time, okay? Please don’t be upset, Shizuru…”
“It’s alright, Natsuki,” Shizuru said softly into her lover’s ear. The pain had fled her heart at Natsuki’s comforting reaction. All that mattered was making her feel better now. “I know how hard last night must have been for you. Besides, this way I have time to plan and make it just as special for you as that was for me. That sound good, Natsuki?”
The rising warmth against her cheek told Shizuru that Natsuki was blushing at this. “Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you, Shizuru.” After a minute of resting in the hug, Natsuki pulled her head back and gave Shizuru a short but sweet kiss. “We really should be getting up pretty soon,” she said, regret evident in her voice. “It’s almost 10 already.”
Shizuru gave a pout at this. “Only if Natsuki promises that we’ll be able to do this again very soon,” she said. “I’ve never slept so well before in my life.”
Natsuki gave a sigh at this. “I have summer school starting tomorrow; I don’t know if I can afford to risk being late. If I miss a single class, I’ll end up having to repeat a year…” Shizuru extended her pout and added a pitiful moan to it. Natsuki bowed her head in regret. “Friday. I can promise you Friday, we can sleep together again then, okay?” A blush filled her face at her words, realizing what she was in fact promising to Shizuru.
A grin split Shizuru’s face. Friday should give her plenty of time to think up the perfect plan, if she could manage to hold herself back that long. She moved her head forward to give Natsuki a quick kiss. “It’s a date,” she said.
A hint of a blush started to form on Natsuki’s face, but this was all Shizuru saw as the girl quickly turned her head away and sat up. The action denied Shizuru the delight of being able to see her blush, and she silently vowed to get back at Natsuki for that as soon as possible. As she pondered how she could do this, Natsuki pushed herself off of the bed and started picking out some clothes from her dresser and closet, momentarily distracting Shizuru with the her beautiful teddy-clad form. She rolled over onto her back and propped her head up on the pillow to better take in the view.
Natsuki turned back and blushed as she noticed Shizuru staring at her. Her arms twitched as if she were fighting the urge to cover herself up. She was able to resist, though, much to Shizuru’s delight. After a moment, Natsuki gave a roll of her eyes and said, “If you can bear to be without me, I’m going to go take a shower a now. You can use it when I’m done.”
“Ara, and if I can’t bear to be without you, can I use it before you’re done?” Shizuru teased. Natsuki’s face immediately lit up red at this. Her success at making the girl blush this morning came as quite a relief to Shizuru. Although confident Natsuki certainly had her perks, she didn’t know if she’d be able to live without the easily-blushing version.
Natsuki was quick to recover, though, and she forcibly suppressed her blush. “Not this morning,” she said. There was a very slight quiver to her voice as if she was holding back a little nervousness. “No sneak peaks until this Friday. You’ll just have to wait.” As she finished this sentence, Natsuki’s face returned to its previous blush as her spurt of courage faded. She rapidly turned to head to the door.
“Natsuki, wait,” Shizuru said, and the girl stopped halfway through the door. “Say it.”
Natsuki slowly turned back to Shizuru. The blush had started to fade from her face, but enough of it remained for it to be quite cute nevertheless. “Say what?” she asked.
“You know.” Shizuru gave Natsuki her best cute grin with a little sparkle in her eye to make sure she got the hint.
Natsuki didn’t disappoint her, and a loving smile formed on her face. “I love you, Shizuru,” she said, causing a wave of warmth to run its way through Shizuru’s chest. The words also seemed to make any hint of fear fade from Natsuki. Shizuru noted this fact for future reference.
“I love you too, Natsuki.” Her words seemed to have a similar effect on Natsuki, as the girl’s face immediately lit up. She made no attempt to hide her delight as she backed off through the doorway, giving Shizuru a wave as she left her line of sight.
Shizuru allowed herself a few more minutes to doze and bask in what remained of the afterglow of her encounter with Natsuki. Her mind drifted to thinking about what their next encounter would be like. Five days had never seemed like such a long time before. Maybe she’d be able to get Natsuki to do a little something for her in the meantime, and then pay her back double when her turn finally came.
And then there was the other matter of properly paying her back for denying Shizuru the blush she’d rightfully earned. No, the other blushes she’d invoked wouldn’t do it. Natsuki had to be taught a special lesson so she’d never deny Shizuru such a pleasure again… or at least she’d only do it when she wanted to pay the price, which Shizuru would of course assume was the case if it ever happened again.
As she heard the shower stop, an idea struck Shizuru and she jumped into action. Natsuki had said Shizuru could use the shower after she was done. What she hadn’t specified was that Shizuru had to wait until she was fully dressed to get in. Of course, it wouldn’t be quite so embarrassing for Natsuki if Shizuru entered in an equal state of undress, but if she spent the time to get dressed, she’d miss her opportunity.
Shizuru scrambled around Natsuki’s room, trying to quickly find where she kept her spare towels. Her closet was a bust, but Shizuru was eventually able to find them in a lower drawer of her dresser. She took one out and wrapped it around herself, and she then proceeded to the door to Natsuki’s bathroom.
Now, although Natsuki hadn’t explicitly denied her entrance at this point, she had requested no peaking until it was finally her night. It was with this in mind that Shizuru decided to give her a bit of leeway and a chance to cover herself up. The door to the bathroom had transparent panels, so if Natsuki were in any position to see through she’d get a bit of warning, but Shizuru could still see through and catch a glimpse if she wasn’t careful.
With a sigh, Shizuru let her eyes close to make sure she wouldn’t see anything. I hope you appreciate everything I do for you, Natsuki, even when I have to punish you. Using one hand to keep the towel secure, Shizuru reached out with her other hand to where she remembered the handle was and stepped in front of the door. As she pulled it open and stepped through, she allowed a grin to spread on her face at the surprised shriek it elicited from Natsuki and the sounds of her friend scrambling to cover herself up.
Figuring that if Natsuki hadn’t concealed herself sufficiently by this point, it would be her own fault, Shizuru allowed her eyes to drift open as she smiled at the flustered Natsuki, who currently had her arms crossed in front of her breasts and had fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately) already put her panties on. Her face held a panicked expression, which started to redden as Shizuru eyed what she could of her body.
“Shi-Shizuru!” Natsuki said, her voice breaking. “What are you doing?”
“Ara, Natsuki said I could use the shower when she was done. She didn’t say anything about waiting for her to finish dressing.” Shizuru batted her eyelashes at Natsuki as she said this, and gave her best devious smile. She continued on her path to the shower, and when she had her back to the girl, she allowed the towel to drop from her body, hoping Natsuki would take advantage of the view. “But maybe if Natsuki wishes me to be a bit more considerate, she should show some consideration to me and not try to hide her blushes, especially if she’s going to make me work so hard for them.”
Natsuki was silent as Shizuru entered the shower and pulled the curtains, though she was likely in the midst of quite a blush. Shizuru wished she could turn back, but she had to be strong and keep up her façade, lest she weaken the impact of her punishment. As she reached for the handle to start the water, she heard Natsuki give a sigh and a defeated, “Shizuru…”
Mission successful.
As Shizuru entered her house, she headed straight to the bedroom to drop off her dirty clothes in the laundry hamper. It hadn’t been hard to convince Natsuki to loan her a set of clothes for the drive over, just a little gentle teasing about how it was her fault, after all, that Shizuru had spent the night, and did she prefer Shizuru to have to take another shower when she got back so she could picture it in her head?
It wasn’t even too hard to wear most of Natsuki’s clothes – their frames were quite similar. The only tough part was the bra, and Shizuru had been forced to choose between suffocating herself with one of Natsuki’s bras or doing without. In the end, she’d chosen to make do with one of Natsuki’s bras, as the thought of her going without threatened to send Natsuki into a seizure.
It was with relief then that she finally took it off, allowing herself to take in a deep breath as her chest regained its freedom of movement. She removed the rest of Natsuki’s clothes and put on an outfit of her own, leaving Natsuki’s outfit in the duffel Natsuki had loaned her to bring back her own outfit. After checking herself out in the mirror and straightening her hair, she headed to the kitchen to brew herself a cup of tea.
When she had a kettle of water heating up, Shizuru allowed herself to take a seat at the table as she waited. As her mind played back the events of the past night, it eventually flashed on the pleasant sight of Haruka and Yukino together as a couple. Shizuru allowed herself a smile of pride, knowing how she’d helped push them together. At this thought, she got up from the table and proceeded to a nearby cabinet, where she’d taken to keeping some of her personal papers.
There wasn’t much inside the cabinet quite yet, so it was easy to find the checklist she’d made almost a week ago to track her path towards redemption. She’d already checked off “Forgiveness” for Yukino and Nao, and she now proceeded to check of “Reparations” for Yukino and Haruka. Fixing the two of them up certainly counted as a sufficiently large favor.
This left only two boxes: Forgiveness for Haruka, and Reparations for Nao. Shizuru let out a sigh at the thought of these last tasks. It seemed like it would be impossible for her to have a serious conversation with Haruka about these issues anytime soon, so getting forgiveness would be quite difficult. Maybe eventually that would be possible, but it would have to take quite a few developments in their relationship.
Well, I guess that’s something to work for then. I really do owe it to Suzushiro-san to get to know her better. Perhaps I should try inviting her over for tea sometime. Shouldn’t hope for too much at first; simply having her come and have the roof remain on the house would be enough of a success. Well, there’s something I can do this upcoming week while Natsuki’s at school.
The case of making reparations for hurting Nao was quite a different matter. In that case, Nao had specifically asked that Shizuru not try to do anything for her. It didn’t seem right to simply count off not doing something as meeting her criteria, but Nao wouldn’t appreciate it if she did do anything.
After a moment of contemplation, Shizuru gave a sigh used her pen to black out that particular checkbox. Sticking close to her plan wasn’t the important part, it was making the others feel comfortable around her again and being able to forgive herself. She’d certainly gotten the former done in Nao’s case, and she was finally approaching the latter as well.
She still regretted what she’d done, and she knew that she always would, but it was time to put it behind her and move forward. She had new friendships to work on, including some with the very people she’d hurt in the Carnival. Even more importantly, she had a new relationship to focus on as well, and Natsuki wasn’t going to tolerate any moping from her.
On the thought of her relationship, Shizuru’s eyes caught the stack of letters she’d been writing for Natsuki. She’d been planning to give them to the girl as soon as she was sure she could accept her feelings, and that time had certainly come to pass. Her only regret was that she would still have to hold herself back from ravaging Natsuki as she’d planned when writing the first letter, but she’d be sure to make up for it as soon as she had a chance.
Shizuru took the pile of letters out of the cabinet and started leafing through them. When she reached the bottom, she was reminded of the letter she’d written the previous night and left in her purse. She left to retrieve it, and noticed on her way back that the kettle of water was just about ready. She removed it from the stove and took out some tea leaves from her cabinet to start brewing.
When her tea was finished, Shizuru sat down to read through all her letters once more as she sipped her cup. Natsuki was sure to get quite the blush on her face from reading all of this, and if she were lucky, maybe it would even restore her courage enough that Shizuru wouldn’t have to spend the next week in patient agony waiting for Natsuki to be ready.
But could I still make it special enough for Natsuki? Shizuru wondered. She did so much to make my first night one to remember, it seems wrong not to do the same for her. Then again, making love right after she reads these letters does seem quite romantic. But if I give them to her today, and she doesn’t give in, my plan will be ruined. I guess I’ll have to hold off on these until Friday, when she’s promised me to be ready. Can’t take any chances here.
Her choice made, Shizuru resolved herself to having to wait. She’d waited this long for Natsuki to be ready, she could easily wait another five days. But before that time, there was one last letter she had to write. Her emotional journey chronicled in the letters wouldn’t be complete until she included the last night and this morning. Taking out a pen and paper from the nearby cabinet, Shizuru set down to writing.
I love you, Natsuki. I know I got into a bit of a habit of starting off these letters with “Ara, Natsuki,” but I just couldn’t bring myself to start off with anything else this time. It just wouldn’t be right. After everything that happened last night, no other thought has been going through my mind more. I love you. See? There it goes again. There is one other thought that’s fighting for dominance, though: that you love me as well, and were finally able to admit it.
I’m so proud of you, Natsuki. To be honest, I never expected you to be able to admit your feelings this soon, if you ever could. I thought it would take months, maybe years, of working on you to slowly pry them out. But you were stronger than I gave you credit for. Once you’d set your mind to it, you figured everything out in less than a week. I’ll have to remember to ask you sometime what made you set your mind to it in the first place.
But that’s not the only thing I’m proud of you for. I’m also really proud of the way you were able to overcome all your fears and insecurities last night for my sake. I never expected that you’d have it in you. I know you’ve shown amazing courage in the heat of battle, but emotionally, it’s always seemed to be a lot harder for you. But for my sake, you were somehow able to work up the courage to do all of that. You can be quite sweet, you know?
It’s alright, though, that your courage had faded this morning (though thankfully not before you could give me that sweet wakeup kiss). I still really love the shy and nervous Natsuki, especially when I can make her blush. You have no idea how adorable you are when you do that. Sexy too, I guess I can admit that now, since you figured it out yourself with me last night. I wonder, when your turn comes around, will it be the shy Natsuki or the courageous Natsuki I get to make love to? I have to say, I kind of hope it’s the shy one. There’s something about seducing my way past your barriers and feeling you give in to me that really gets me going.
One thing has been kind of worrying me, though, Natsuki. How did you ever manage to get so good? You couldn’t have had any past experience with this sort of thing. Personally, I’ve fantasized more than is probably healthy about being with you, and if I were to distill all my fantasies down, I might be able to come up with something quite good for you (which by the way, I plan to), but I can’t imagine you having fantasized about me like that. Maybe in the last few days since you figured out your feelings, though it still doesn’t seem much like you. At the time, I thought it was simply your love for me guiding your motions. I guess, failing any other explanation, I’ll just stick with that one. It’s quite a nice reason after all.
Well, that’s about it for these letters. After this, I’m going to make an effort not to hide anything from you. I do kind of like the experience of getting all my thoughts out like this, so maybe I’ll get a journal or something. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you know where it is so you can peek in whenever you want.
By the way, I know I promised you in a couple of these earlier letters that I’d start doing things to you as you read them. I decided to hold myself back though, as you’ve surely figured out by now. I wanted to let you get through all of these in relative peace. I’m probably hugging you or something while you read them, though, maybe with a few tender kisses here and there. Ooh, and here. Definitely there as well. Oh, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, your very special night is about to begin. Enjoy!
Yours,
Shizuru
As Shizuru was about to change into her robe and settle in to bed for the night, her gaze was caught by a flash of white on the floor of her room. Near Natsuki’s duffle bag, she found a stuffed envelope. Her name was written on it in Natsuki’s handwriting. The girl had likely slipped it in when she’d gotten it for Shizuru, and it had fallen out when Shizuru had removed her clothes.
Shizuru peeled open the envelope and found a handwritten letter from Natsuki inside. She turned on her bedside lamp, laid back, and started to read.
Hey there, Shizuru. Sorry if this sounds like I’m rambling, but I sat at my desk for a while trying to get things started perfectly, and got precisely nowhere. I tried organizing everything in my head and then writing it down, but that ended up sounding like crap so I’m trying a different tactic. So this time, I decided to just let everything flow out of me as it came. It might be rough, but at least this way it’ll get written.
Anyways, the letter you sent me gave me an idea. I decided to write my own letter to you to let you know all the thoughts that have been going through my head at this time. I feel real bad about keeping you in the dark like this, but I really do have trouble thinking straight when you’re around, and I need to be sure of my decision on this. I do want to tell you all this eventually, so I’ve decided to write all this down while it’s still fresh in my mind.
Okay, first things first. I suppose I should start as far back as I’ve been keeping stuff from you, and that starts back at the end of the Carnival. I spent a lot of time contemplating my feelings for you after the revelation of how you felt for me, but it wasn’t a time that was particularly good for clear thought. Even despite your betrayal of me, I knew that I still cared deeply for you as a friend. Eventually, I came to the resolution that I still did love you.
Only briefly then did I try to figure out what type of love I had for you. I’m sorry to say that I was still so repulsed by what you’d done that I immediately rejected any possibility that it was romantic love I felt. I decided that I loved you very much as a friend, and as your friend, it was my responsibility to save you from the demon you’d become.
Well, you pretty much know how things went in our battle. You thought then that I hated you a lot, seeing Duran’s size, but to me it told me that I was right in my conclusion that I still did care for you. (I’m thinking now that I may have actually been wrong there, and should have taken the hint that it meant my love for you was beyond simple friendship, but I’m still trying to figure that part out, so bear with me.)
It got to the point where you had me beaten and restrained, but you of course couldn’t do me in. I didn’t really have a specific plan for getting to that point, but I knew that at some point in the battle I’d have to get close to you and set you straight. I knew it was now or never; I had to prove to you that I still loved you. It was the only way to stop the monster that was raging inside you.
In the end, it was mostly instinct that made me choose to kiss you. The thought struck my mind that it would work, and I didn’t second-guess it. So, I did it, and you know everything I told you after that. I still thought at the time that I couldn’t love you as you loved me, and so I told you that. It was then I made the hardest decision I’d ever made in my life, when I ordered Duran to destroy Kiyohime and himself.
I didn’t want to do that, I really didn’t. I wanted to live on with you, finally accepting you as my best friend. But I couldn’t do that. Beyond our emotional struggle, the Carnival was still going on, and if it weren’t brought down to a single HiME, the HiME star would hit Earth… or something. End of the world, is the point. Neither of us could win, as either of us being defeated would spell the death of the other. If the two of us were alive together at the end, it would all be over, and we’d die anyway. We had to die so that Mai could be the last one standing and bring things to an end.
But that’s all beside the point, really. Sorry, I warned you I’d probably get rambly (is that a word?). Okay, back on topic. Once everyone was back alive again and we weren’t dealing with the immediate aftermath of the Carnival, my thoughts started to drift back to how I felt about you. After seeing the change I’d brought about in you by simply accepting your feelings, I was able to forgive you for taking advantage of me and kissing me in my sleep. And with that forgiveness went the repulsion I’d felt at possibly loving you romantically.
So I finally had to actually face my feelings and figure out what I really felt. The problem was that I sucked at it. I’d had enough trouble admitting to myself that I loved you at all, trying to differentiate between types of love was completely beyond me. I tried to sort things out while you were around me, but you’re just so damn distracting. It seems like you couldn’t go five minutes without embarrassing me in some way.
Then I tried to do it when you weren’t around, but the constant specter of you suddenly hugging me from nowhere started haunting my mind. The fact that you actually did this on a number of occasions while I was trying to figure things out certainly didn’t help matters. Even when I was locked up in my dorm, I still couldn’t properly concentrate. I’d get thinking about things, and before I knew it I was missing the fact that you hadn’t already caught me in a hug.
…Fuck. You’re going to hold that last part over my head for the rest of my life now, aren’t you? Damn it. I really don’t want to start this letter over. I probably should have written this in pencil or something. I know if I just cross it out, it’ll make you even more desperate to read it and you’ll just make things worse. Okay, how about this: You don’t hold this over my head, and I’ll try not to complain about your hugs. Deal?
Anyways, perhaps my constant thoughts about you were a sign I should have paid more attention to, but either way, I didn’t think of that at the time. Eventually I just decided I needed a vacation from everything. Well, you know how that plan turned out, so I ended up having to ask you to give me some time alone. You also know how that plan turned out: with me almost immediately getting a flu which required you to come nurse me.
To be honest, though, I was really happy to see you. I’d tried to talk things through with Mai earlier, but she didn’t end up being much help. Her case with Tate was just too different, so I couldn’t garner any clues from her about how I was supposed to identify love. All she said was that I should try to figure out if I was a lesbian or not, and work from there. I considered that for a bit, but I’d just buried my libido too far down to figure anything out that way. The only way I’d be able to get it out would be if you were the one to pry it out of me, but to get to that point, I’d have to answer the question which was the whole point of figuring that thing out.
Bleh. So, those thoughts rolling through my head, I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, you were watching over me. In a rare moment of weakness, I’d caught you with your mask off, and I could see the love bared in your eyes. It really struck a chord in my heart to see you like that, and I realized that I preferred it to when you covered up your emotions. Not only did I prefer that you didn’t hide yourself from me, but it made me feel good to know you loved me. I kind of even wanted to be able to make you feel the same way.
Well, you know pretty much how that day went, and what we ended up doing after the unpleasantness with the negi (which, by the way, might make me fear the vegetable a bit less knowing what it indirectly led to. But do not take that as an invitation to use it in anything other than cooking when it comes to me). What you don’t really know about that is the thoughts that were going through my head as I kissed you.
Now, my stated reasons for doing so were true. I wanted to figure out how it felt, to see if it felt good (which it did), and if it would cause those weird physical sensations in me which seemed to come with interacting with you (which it also did). But there was another reason for doing it. When I made the decision, you were crying in my arms, and I really wanted to make you feel better and take the pain away. I took my own fear of intimacy with you and shoved it behind the reasoning of using this to figure things out so I could take away your pain. I’m glad to say that I think I did, though I really wish I hadn’t shoved you away like that, risk of infection or not.
Well anyways, I really did enjoy that kiss, Shizuru. It’s an experience I don’t think I’ll ever be forgetting. I took a very good catalog of all the sensations I felt during it, the problem is, I just don’t know if they add up to love. I’ve decided what I’m going to do next, though. I’m going to ask you about your feelings and try to compare. If everything matches up, then I’m going to go for it with you. To be honest, I really hope it does. I hope I can learn to love you so I’ll never see that pain in your eyes again.
--
I love you, Shizuru. It feels so good to finally be able to admit that. I admitted it to myself earlier tonight right after you told me about your feelings. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you then, but I knew what would happen if I did. There’d be no way you’d be able to hold yourself back (I might have some trouble myself, to be honest), and you’d be pretty much guaranteed to end up with my flu. I know you probably don’t care about that, but I do. I really don’t want to hurt you, Shizuru. I’d really hate to think that my profession of love ended up hurting you like this. I hope you can understand.
I decided then that when I finally told you, I’d do everything I could to make it the best night of your life. I know how long you’ve been waiting for this, and I want it to be perfect when it finally happens for you. I’m still not sure exactly what I’m going to do, but I’ve got some time to think over it.
One idea that just won’t get out of my head though actually comes from something you said to me. You teased me earlier about using one of my coupons to be allowed to ravish your body, and I wasn’t as embarrassed by the thought as I would have thought I’d be. Now that I know I’m in love with you, it seems right. I think I want you, Shizuru, all of you. Not only that, but, erm… pleasuring you like that seems like a good way to make your night all the better.
Of course, the obvious problem with that plan is that I’m probably not going to be so good at it my first time. I’m probably going to be pretty nervous and hesitant, and I’m afraid that could take away from the experience. I wish I could be a lot better for you. I know you wouldn’t mind in the slightest however good I was, as long as I tried, but I really want to make this special for you, Shizuru. You deserve so much pleasure after being in pain for this long.
I guess, maybe I could try some research or something on it. They have everything on the internet, maybe I could do some searching. And maybe I could try a few things on myself, see how my own body reacts. It’s just, I’ve never done anything like that before, and I’m nervous just about doing it on my own. As I said earlier, my libido has been pretty buried. Now that it’s starting to show up, I kind of want my first real experience to be with you, so I’ll have to be careful not to go too far with myself.
Ugh. I bet you wish you could see my face right now. I think I’ve just invented a new shade of purple. It won’t be any good if I start to blush like crazy when the time finally comes (though I know how much you love that, so maybe one or two for you). I’ll have to find the courage somewhere to go through with it. For your sake, Shizuru, I know I can do this.
--
Yes! I told you I could find the courage for this. It was amazing. I started focusing on this. Giving you the perfect night was my new mission in life, and all the courage I used when I was fighting as a HiME came out to help me here. I know I can do this now, and I know I can be good at it too. Yes, I succeeded in doing some research on it, and I think I have some very good ideas of what I can do. I even experimented on myself a little, and it seems to work. Don’t worry, though, I managed to hold back enough to save myself for you when that time comes.
That did make me think though; I know you’re going to want to return the favor to me, and I’m still not sure how I feel about that. I really want this to be your night, Shizuru. I don’t want you to feel obligated to do anything for me. However, if your perspective on this is anything like mine, you’d probably really enjoy the giving part as well. I guess, maybe I could let you do that. I’m just afraid my courage won’t hold up that long. I know I can hold it long enough to handle your needs, but I don’t know how long it will last. I guess maybe we’ll just have to wait and see.
--
Wow… Looking back, I have a little trouble believing I actually did all that. And I can’t believe it all went so well. Hell, it even went better than I predicted. It was a stroke of luck finding about the sensitivity of where your HiME mark was, and another stroke of luck stumbling onto that spot. Most of my other moves were planned out, but even when I improvised with that, everything went perfectly.
You know, in a way, I kind of regret in retrospect a few things I didn’t do. I wish I’d spent more time simply exploring your body and figuring it out. Sure, the things I did worked, but I’m going to have to get to know you a lot better beyond the obvious sensitive spots for future encounters to be even better. Oh boy, I hope you don’t walk into the room right now and see this blush, because then you’d make me explain it, and… gah!
Heh, I probably should try to finish this up soon. I still need to figure out a way to give it to you today. No reason to hold all this back from you anymore. Okay, just one more thing I need to say: I’m really,really sorry about the fear I showed this morning when you wanted to return the favor. I knew my courage would have run out sooner or later, but why did it have to be right then?
I really want to be with you, Shizuru, but I can’t deny that I’m still a little afraid. We somehow settled on a date for it, though, and there’s no way I’m backing out now. No matter how afraid I might be then, Shizuru, don’t let me chicken out from it. Shove this letter in my face if you have to. I know I’ll end up giving in and enjoying it in the end, so don’t worry. Friday, I’ll be yours. Just… please be gentle, okay?
With love (and I’m sure you know what type),
Natsuki
Darkness surrounded Shizuru. There wasn’t really any scenery to speak of, but somehow, this was familiar. This was where she’d battled it out with her darker side in her dreams a week ago. She remembered the events clearly. She’d poured her heart out into the battle, and she’d nearly lost. It was only by the timely rescue of her Dream Natsuki that she was saved.
Of course, the darkness in her heart would never vanish entirely. She’d have to deal with it the rest of her life. Perhaps this was why she was back here again: for another battle. It really seemed an odd time for it. She’d finally been able to forgive herself for what she’d done. Then again, maybe that was it. Maybe she just had to seal the deal.
“Oh, stop being such a downer, Shizuru,” Natsuki’s voice came from behind her, and Shizuru rapidly turned around to look at her. A blush quickly formed on Shizuru’s face as she realized that Natsuki was only clad in the teddy she’d worn the previous night. She was just as alluring as she’d been then, and it was all Shizuru could do to keep herself from pouncing on the girl.
“What’s going on, Natsuki?” Shizuru asked, trying to focus on the meaning of her dream rather than her scantily-clad lover.
“What’s going on is that you’re still hung up about fighting with yourself,” the girl said. The glare she gave Shizuru was quite at odds with her current outfit, and Shizuru had to fight down a sudden urge to giggle. “Your dark side is a part of you, like it or not. If you keep fighting with it, you’ll end up destroying yourself. While you’ve been off enjoying yourself with the real Natsuki, I’ve been in here trying to make peace with her.”
“Ara? And what has Dream Natsuki been doing with her?” Shizuru asked, hoping her tone could tease a blush out of the girl. Sadly, she had no such luck.
“Well…” Natsuki said, a smirk on her face as she wagged her eyebrows at Shizuru. “You know that she’s born from your love for me, right? Well, after seeing what the real Natsuki did to you, let’s just say inspiration struck.”
A warmth rushed through Shizuru’s chest and a blush rose to her face as she realized what Natsuki was talking about. She then felt an odd sensation as if something were filling her up which had been long missing. She was no longer cut off from a part of her personality, but it was no longer a part to be feared. As long as she had Natsuki, she had nothing to fear.
“I figured you might find that part of you useful for when you get around to taking care of me,” Natsuki said to her, a loving smile spreading across her face.
Shizuru matched the smile with one of her own. “Thank you,” she said. “There’s just one thing I was thinking of…” Natsuki rolled her eyes. By this point, she knew what was coming, but Shizuru said it anyways. “I could really use some practice for Natsuki’s big night…”
Natsuki gave out a sigh and shook her head. “You never give up, do you? Sorry, but this is something you’ll only be able to learn in reality. Dreaming just isn’t going to help you learn about this one.” Shizuru’s face turned into a pout. Even though it was only mock hurt, Natsuki did seem to react to it, pained seeing even a pretense of pain from Shizuru. “Alright, I’ll tell you what. I can let you relive your experience from last night as much as you want. Deal?”
Shizuru didn’t even have a chance to reply as she found herself back in her room, Natsuki slowly kissing her way down her body. She gave a contented sigh and laid back to enjoy her dreams.
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