Shaking
aster.
I push my bike to it's limit for no other reason than my need to feel a
change of pace. The wind pushing hard against my body feels like
freedom. The road seems to stretch on endlessly as the sun begins to set
behind me. I know I should head back but I can't yet. This feels too
good to stop. This is the only thing that I have that is mine and mine
alone.
More miles are put behind me as I keep going farther from home than I
had planned. She is waiting for me, I know. I promised to have an answer
when I return. She'll worry. She always does.
I pull off at a rest stop and push some change into a pay phone, half
hoping she would answer, half hoping she wouldn't. I almost give up
after a few rings but of course she picks up just as I was about to hang
up. "It's me," I say. I know I don't need to say more.
Her breath catches as it always does when I call. She doesn't bother to
hide her excitement. "Is everything okay?" she asks when I don't say
anything.
"Yeah. It's just I'm terrible on the phone," I answer. Even here in this
phone booth I can't help but fidget as I try to think of what to say.
Why is this always so hard?
"Ara... It's always better when it's us all alone, don't you think?"
Yes.
"I just wanted to let you know I'll be a while longer. So you don't
worry or anything."
Her reply is quiet, almost inaudible. I don't mean to avoid the question
but it's that sort of thing that has led me out here today. She says she
loves me before we get off the phone. She always does.
"I know," I always say.
Back on my bike I push myself harder. I seem to think more clearly that
way. But now that I've spoken to her it seems I'm thinking too clearly.
Too vividly.
She's an idiot for letting me hurt her for so long. No, I'm an idiot for
hurting her for so long.
I remember everything that we've done. Every word, every touch, every
tear. I've led her on, and she has willingly let me. She's begged me and
I've given her what she has asked.
She has cried every single time.
Then morning comes and I'm always gone. She's shattered over what I've
just done yet she never stops me. She says its worth the pain if it's
with me. She says that I'm the only one she will ever desire. I know
it's true. I know her love for me is stronger than her will to live.
I've already seen that side of her.
"Why do you do this to me Natsuki?" her voice asks in my thoughts.
I like the sounds you make when we're shaking.
Without warning I swing my bike in the other direction and race home. My
own heart is breaking as I think of her sitting there, tear-stained
face, waiting paitently for what I'm sure she assumes will be another
heart break.
The wind that felt so much like freedom now feels as if it's working
against me. I want to see her smiling face. I want to stop punishing her
for my fear. I want to say the things I have always kept locked inside.
I want her.
It's past one in the morning before I reach her apartment. As expected
she is sitting there waiting for my return. Waiting for me to hurt her
again. "Shizuru," I say as I walk in and her eyes immediately find my
own.
I walk to her stereo and turn it up, loud and distracting. Drowning us
out. I don't care what's playing.
Usually it is her that loses control.
This time I do as I push her down on the couch and press my lips to
hers. She doesn't fight. She never does. Never questions. Just quietly
accepts whatever it is I'm willing to give.
The tears are in her eyes again and I know her heart is breaking as much
as it is rejoycing at the feel of my touch. I feel her everywhere, my
hands moving over her body and memorizing every inch of it.
"I've come to tell you it's all worked out," I say in her ear as I push
against her.
She doesn't reply. She's too afraid. Her whole body is trembling with
fear and anticipation. I feel myself getting lost in her warmth. Pushing
harder. She cries for more.
I like the way you breathe when we're moving.
Her nails sting in my back but I don't think about it. It's the only
mark she's ever been allowed to leave on me. I let her hold on to me as
long as she needs and finally she lets go. She doesn't try to hide her
tears from me anymore. I don't try to wipe them away anymore.
"Are you going to leave?" she asks when I sit up.
I take her hand in mine and place it over the button of my jeans. She
looks at me unsure but doesn't hesitate. It's the first time I've ever
let her touch me. It is my answer without words.
"I'm not going anywhere," I whisper as her tears start again. This time
I know they are not caused by me hurting her. I hold onto her tightly as
we move together. Forward and back. Deeper. More. Finally I understand
her need.
My name falls from her lips over and over again. We don't stop until we
can no longer move. Everything in the past seems insignificant as she
sleeps in my arms for the first time. She holds onto me tightly, afraid
that I will be gone like all the times before.
Not anymore.
I love you.
That's what I will tell her next time.
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