Before we start, the obligatory stuff that I probably should inform those lucky souls who haven't read the manga. Also, the manga got licensed and the place where I found the manga took their archive down so I can't get back to it thus, I'm sorry if I messed/mixed stuff up with the manga canon. Anyway:
-in Fuuka, everyone (at least the students and teachers at the academy) know about the HiME. Like first chapter, Mai and Natsuki were like...attacking each other in front of the school. In the morning...before class and like...infront of classes. What a pair of idiots.
-Natsuki mother died in a different way. Nope, no driving off the cliff for her. She got shot by...something/someone/I can't remember. I think Natsuki was there too. But she got better. She even came back alive and it turns out that she's an EVIL! HiME (or was it a PRINCESS, silly acroynm included, with those weird earings things with a mini HiME Star, gawd, can't remember) and her Child is this two headed black (I think er...really really dark colored) Duran which is called...DuranDuran. Behold ladies and gents...manga crack.
-There was this one part in the manga where Natsuki's mother shoots Shizuru with her Element. Natsuki and Tate just kinda stand there. o_O
-Shizuru had this really, really nifty fan. Um, not mentioned in the fic, but I just remembered and I thought it was like...the coolest thing ever.
-if I suddenly remember something else, I'll add it too
Often, if one listened hard enough, the sound of neighbors gossiping is made apparent. Often, if one had the attention span, the appetite for such trivialness, and the patience to endure eavesdropping on eavesdroppers, he or she would hear envious sighs swelling through the neighborhood regarding the garden of a certain household.
After all, the “Fujino-Kuga” home’s garden was a miraculous sight for those fortunate enough to see it. It was one that ushered much talk (especially from the older generation) when it was brought into a conversation. For one as young as the former president of Fuuka Gakuen’s high school, the fact that the golden brown haired woman owned such a garden whose style and beauty could rival Nanzen-ji’s was astounding.
In fact, the garden seemed to be an evolution of that Kyoto temple. It utilized some of the same basics: the union of shirakawasuna (white sand) and plants; the seas of sand almost crashed into the banks of green. With the few maple trees strategically placed the background, the sparse bushes, and winding Japanese ivy on the bamboo fences, the garden seemed to give the impression that it continued farther than it did. This was employing the technique of Shakkei or borrowed scenery. Even so, for all its tradition, it was obvious that youthful spunk also had a hand in this garden’s creation.
Near the far left corner of this garden was sanzonseki, or a group of three stones that seemed to represent a mountain. It was likely that the architect had Fuji-san in mind when constructing it. Other stones seemingly haphazardly placed in the garden actually furthered the atmosphere when taken into greater inspection. From the stone steps that connected house to garden flowed a winding stone path.
It was a perfect union, a paragon example of the Japanese culture of old. Even the dog house that was on the right side of the house did little to detract its glorious splendor. After all, Duran’s house was made of stone and covered in the sparse amounts of moss—it might as well be an oversized ishidoro, or stone lantern.
No doubt the garden was a kanshoniwa: one whose purpose was for meditation rather than strolling. Its function was currently being used. For Natsuki sat on the veranda of her home (a lawyer had recently informed her that a transaction had been made and the piece of property legally belonged to her) and was staring into the distance.
It had been a week since Shizuru had left her. At first, especially during those lingering, slow moving hours after that woman’s departure, Natsuki had thought time would soon start to move too fast, too slow, or just altogether stop.
Yet it didn’t. She didn’t wind up with aimless days where there was nothing to do, nothing to think of. She didn’t find herself lost in the confusion of daily life or the work of her last year in college. No; instead life proceeded as it always did: cruelly and without pause. She continued to go through the motions of her life only now without Shizuru behind her, always quietly supporting her.
For Natsuki, the space in her life that Shizuru occupied was not filled with sadness or regret. It wasn’t like she had lost her purpose of living or was plagued by the sensation that the world would end soon.
She felt…nothing.
Duran looked up, panting slightly from where he lay on the engawa; his odd black-blue colored tongue extended playfully. Natsuki absentmindedly reached to pet his rather harsh coat as she continued stared off into the light colored afternoon sky. A plate of half-eaten, lopsided gyoza was at her side. An open bottle of mayo sat next to it.
“Shizuru,” Natsuki came from the behind and hugged her, utilizing the same technique the other was so fond of employing against her, albeit far more hesitantly, “let’s get a dog.”
“Why,” the older woman asked as she giggled mischievously, “am I not already Natsuki’s pet?” Shizuru then took advantage of the situation to turn and kiss her on her red cheek.
Even so, Natsuki had little trouble to convince her to accompany her to the home of a local dog breeder. The man had cheerfully informed the couple that a litter of purebred Ainu puppies had recently been born. Natsuki had picked a beautiful wolf-gray colored puppy while Shizuru watched in amusement.
“What you going to name her?” The Kyoto born asked once the puppy had been officially put under their care.
“Him,” Natsuki corrected. “I’m going to name him Duran.”
The shorter girl’s declaration caused the other to once again to laugh, “Do you have to name every dog in your sight ‘Duran’? Here I thought Natsuki was more creative than that.”
Cheek puffed up grumpily yet Natsuki’s stance was firm and unwavering. Duran was named Duran although Shizuru cheekily gave the puppy the nickname of “Tsuki.”
Whenever she thought about Shizuru, the twisted feeling in her stomach resurfaced. It was a dull pain unlike what she experienced ever before. After all, she was well acquainted with pain and its many entities. Her mind wandered through her various encounters as she stared at the garden with eyes that did not see.
At her mother’s death, pain was something that shocked her into tears. To find mother, drenched in her own blood had instilled fear and insurmountable hurt that even now frightened Natsuki in its power. During the night it manifested itself in her dreams—that scene—it hunted her in her nightmares and it bombarded her with the sensation of vulnerability and terrifying images which made her wake up in tears. Those tremendous emotions could still be tasted in a dry mouth.
And then upon awakening, for many years, she became the predator and chased it with her strongest weapon: revenge. It had been an endless cycle.
The pain of her father leaving her was different. It was a wound of bitterness…cold…something that within the first few months she began to treat the apparition with apathy. There was hurt, there was anger, and when she thought about it, how far that man’s perfidy reached still stunned her speechless. Yet he still paid her bills until she was legally an adult and had supported her without the law compelling him to. That combined with other sentiments forced Natsuki to be unable to go so far as defined her feelings towards him as pure hate. As the years went by, she blanketed herself around the comfort of disillusionment when she thought of her connection to that person.
For her, it was only a minor scar.
In her freshman year of high school, her mother’s betrayal was one that elicited from her another kind of pain. Combined with her helplessness, her inability to summon Duran at that time—to see the barrels of her mother’s Element pointed at her—the overall emotion was hard to describe. To find the truth of her past and to hear harsh words coming out of her mother’s mouth had been a terrible shock. And then, to see her mother order DuranDuran to shoot Shizuru…
But it must’ve been disbelief that hindered the conflagration of hurt inside of her, even now.
With Tate it was a feeling of sheer pain as if her heart had been ripped out of her. He had been her Key, the person dearest to her…her most precious person who had turned on her and chosen someone else.
Yet she had known, somewhere in her stubborn self. She had known since she first saw him interact with Mai, the attention he lavished upon her—how he cared for that person. To her, he only gave compassion, his sympathy. Nevertheless, she still tried to bulldoze her way into his heart with no avail. She knew the futility of her actions…yet it wasn’t like she could give up.
But because of that knowledge hidden somewhere in the recesses of her mind, she knew that she would lose. It had been her brace when Tate finally let her go.
And then Shizuru’s sudden—yet, now that she thought about it—not-so-sudden departure was of unfeeling; it was of confusion. Pain was a dull ache pounding in her head whenever she thought of her. Now, it was those tear-filled claret eyes that stared at her in quiet agony that haunted her in her dreams instead of the scene of her mother’s death. She had been waking up in cold sweat, feeling empty instead of enraged.
Natsuki did not see her surroundings. She did not see all the beauty and hard sought Zen perfection that the garden epitomized. She did not see the Japanese Red Maple trees green in springtime youth or that carefully laid out stone path. Instead her eyes were focused somewhere as her mind, wandering through the chasms and pits of her inner recesses, searched for an answer to…something.
She hated thinking, she really did. It caused hesitation and reflection. Hesitation was a sign of indecisiveness which she abhorred. And she hated reflection because it made her question herself. Once she started contemplating and reflecting, there seemed to be no stop.
She idly wondered if this was what Shizuru felt as she sat there on the engawa two weeks ago. Come to think about it, the past month she had been sitting on the veranda more than she usually did. This was her fault, right? She should have done something, anything…
Yet she didn’t do anything. She just sat there and let her leave. Why?
The sudden movement of Duran jumping up caused her eyes to focus. The dog’s erect ears were pushed back, teeth bared. His intelligent dark brown eyes glared into the house, likely at the entranceway. The Ainu always did so when strangers came into the house. At the sound of polite knocking on the side of the genkan, the dog was sent into a flurry of loud barking.
“Duran!” Natsuki scolded harshly before standing up.
The well-trained animal stopped before he retreated to the farthest part of the veranda, sulking.
Natsuki paid no attention to him as she stood up and made her way through the house until she was at the genkan, curiously peering at the kind face of a tiny decrepit woman.
“My, I had such a scare when I heard the barking. It must have taken a few years off what’s left of my life,” the gray haired woman laughed good-naturedly. After a moments pause, when she realized that Natsuki wasn’t going to speak, the woman then bowed deeply.
“It is nice to meet you, I am Mizumoto Takako. Please take good care of me.”
“Kuga Natsuki,” she responded dutifully, bowing lower than the older woman had. Contrary to popular belief, Natsuki did possess some semblance of respect and courtesy.
“Ah yes, I know. You were introduced to me by Shizuru-san a few years ago. You must have forgotten,” the old woman smiled when she was proven correct as Natsuki had turned away, her face slightly red in embarrassment. “You looked so bored at the time and then you seemed to disappear somewhere whenever I visited.”
“Sorry?”
Her quizzical tone caused Takako’s smile to widen. “My granddaughter took lessons from Shizuru-san.”
Natsuki nodded. Shizuru did offer lessons in tea ceremony once every week. While the older woman was occupied with those pestering students, Natsuki would go out riding, walk Duran—anything she could to get away from the house.
“Shizuru-san had called three weeks ago saying that she would no longer be holding her classes and I’ve recently heard that she had moved away. I was wondering if I could talk to you.”
“About what?” She asked, trying to keep her temper calm. For some reason, she was actually putting an effort to be polite. It had to be the kind, wrinkled face of the other. Yelling at the old woman would be like kicking a puppy—she just couldn’t bring herself to do it.
Her effort had been noticed by the Takako. The grandmother hid her mouth behind the sleeve of her fuchsia patterned kimono as she laughed. She seemed to be doing that a lot, laughing and smiling at her—did she find her that amusing?
“Does there need to be a specific topic? I thought I could get to know my neighbor better.” From her side she brought to view the package she had been holding. “I’ve also brought mochi as an incentive for you to talk.”
Natsuki favored the older woman with a perplexed look. Nevertheless she nodded again and replied, “Then I guess I’ll make the tea.”
“My, it seems that she has trained you well.”
She could not stop her eyes from narrowing or the frown from appearing on her face as she stomped off towards the kitchen. This caused the other woman to give her another inquisitive glance but nevertheless, Takako followed her into the kitchen.
“I am surprised; you make tea just like she does.” Natsuki’s neighbor remarked as she artistically set the mochi she had brought on a plate while the blue haired woman poured hot water into the teapot.
Natsuki shrugged, “I’m only using dried tea leaves.”
“Even so, your movements are the same. They are quite careful.”
“It’s probably because she forced me to learn how to ‘properly create a harmonious balance, in which tranquility is achieved within a sip of tea.’”
“My, once again I am pleasantly surprised. I didn’t think Natsuki-san knew chado.”
“I only know the basics. After years of her breathing done my neck and patronizing me, I can finally pour tea without spilling a drop. But even Shizuru doesn't has enough patience to teach me the entire process. I barely remember all the meaningless gestures and phrases the guest is supposed to know after years of her trying to teach me.”
“It isn’t meaningless, you know.”
“I don’t care.”
They reached the garden once again.
“I should have expected that it was Natsuki-chan that raked the garden” the old woman remarked as she set down her tray of snacks.
It was common practice for Buddhist monks to rake sand in the gardens into various shapes to resemble the flow of water or other symbols everyday, preferably in the early morning.
“She made me do it when I started living with her.” Natsuki replied offhandedly, choosing to ignore that she had “chan” tacked onto her name rather than the “san” that Shizuru received.
“You did not refuse?”
“At first I did though after a couple days of not eating breakfast, I gave in.”
“Which is why you still practice it?”
Once again she shrugged. Years ago perhaps she probably wouldn’t have complacently continued the conversation and would have brashly replied. Thanks to Shizuru she had changed. It was also probably because of other factors too, she thought, but it had to be Shizuru who was responsible for her mellowness even though the older woman was also fond of teasing her.
“It is done with great skill.”
“Thank you. She was right, it does help you clear your mind and think. Shizuru is such a strange woman.” Natsuki smiled at a memory. “She…”
And then she remembered; that strange woman was gone. Shizuru had left her a week ago with tears silently flowing from her eyes. Natsuki remembered how her name was spoken from a voice that cracked and how she never looked back at her again. She tore her eyes away from the garden and looked off to the side. Her hands clenched into fists. Her fingernails dug into flesh.
It had been a pain to remove splinters from her hands a week ago.
Takako observed her for a moment longer before she spoke.
“You really loved her, did you not?”
“I don’t know. I miss her, but do I love her? I…” Natsuki hesitated.
Love was a strong word; it was a confusing one. She vaguely remembered a time when her family was still together, how her parents would keep saying how much they loved her. She remembered her father picking her up and setting her on top of his shoulders, all the while laughing with her and how at night he would kiss her on the cheek after saying that phrase.
And then she vaguely remembered seeing her father turn his back to her, leaving her helpless in that hospital bed.
She remembered her mother smiling and reaching down to hug her, whispering in her ear how much she loved her daughter.
And then Natsuki remembered the image of her mother pointing her Element at her, telling her that she was useless.
“Were you lovers?”
That question caught her off guard, snapping her out of her thoughts. Natsuki shot the other woman a baffled look.
Takako smiled, pleased. “I will take that as a yes.”
“It doesn’t bother you?”
“I hold Shizuru-san to the utmost regard. If she found happiness with you then I would be happy for her. But it seemed like as every week passed she grew more and more miserable. I noticed about a month ago that her smiles grew progressively faker and she was hiding something. ”
Natsuki felt ashamed of herself. This woman had been able to perceive more of Shizuru than she had. Was she that self-absorbed?
“Which is why you are here.” She heard herself reply without any signs of offense; it was more of a statement.
“Yes.”
“I…Mizumoto-san—will you listen to my story?” Natsuki turned to face the other woman with imploring eyes. There was that feeling in her chest again. Natsuki had no one else to turn to and perhaps that is why she acted the way she did. Without Shizuru, there wasn’t anyone else that she felt like she had the liberty of sharing her feelings to. She felt as if she had to explain to someone, anyone.
“There is no need to be so formal. Please call me Takako. Mizumoto-san makes me sound so old.” Takako laughed once again, her mouth covered by the sleeve of her kimono. “I would be most honored to hear it.”
So she began to tell the grandmotherly woman her past.
“When I was little, I used to live with my mother and my father. My mother was a genetic scientist for a company. Takako-san—”
“Takako”
“...Takako, do you know about the HiME?”
“Everyone around this island has little knowledge about them. We all have children that go or have gone to the academy. There is not much concern towards it and I heard that most of the trouble concerning that disappeared within the year or two it started.”
“I am one of those HiME. My mother, like me, was also a HiME. And the, one day when I was still in primary school I went to visit mother…I found her shot, bleeding heavily and passed out at the sight of her. I was then hospitalized for weeks. When I woke up, they told me she died. My father…
She reached for the teapot, pouring both a cup for her listener and herself. “It’s a long story.”
“As long as you have the time then I am willing to listen to it.”
So she continued to tell her story. She told her about how her father left her. She explained to her of how she sought revenge for her mother’s death how it consumed her with frightening passion. She told her about loneliness and how solitude was her only companion for years and how she closed herself to everyone and to complex emotions such as love.
She told her about Shizuru who forced herself into her life with her gentle smile and kind, and sometimes teasing words. She told her of a person who relentlessly, tirelessly supported her even if she continued to shove her to the side.
She told her about Tate and how that relationship started. And then she spoke of the events that happened in her freshman year of high school. She told her about her mother return into her life that year along with that “sister” of hers. She told her about how even now the patch between her mother and her was still weak and how she had later told her mother that it would be best if they went their separate paths.
She told her about college and how Tate finally let her go.
She told her about how Shizuru had left her and then, suddenly without any warning, she felt a floodgate inside of her open. Verisimilitude washed over her.
“I…” Her eyes widened. For the very first time in her life, Natsuki felt herself see things clearly for what they were worth. This was probably how a blind man felt when he suddenly could see again, Natsuki thought. It had to be like what she was feeling.
Now, upon further, clearer thoughts of that time, especially in the light of her present situation, Natsuki could see how wrong it had been. That turn in their relationship had been founded not on that kind of love, but of a replacement. She knew at that time the other wouldn’t refuse her; she knew full well what she was doing. It was something calculated, something she never would have thought to do; yet…at that moment, it just seemed right. And she continued to bring the relationship farther out of fear. She didn’t want to go back into lonely isolation again.
She continued to stare into the garden, contemplating her own past and her sudden understanding. Her legs dangled from the engawa while her hands hung loose at her sides.
She wanted to do something…anything to replace this feeling inside of her, this emptiness that her revelation had widened. But what could she do? Run away yet again from the problem? Hadn’t that already burdened her with a predicament which continued to grow larger and larger until it had reached this point?
“I don’t know what to think. But I know now, it was my fault. I was the one that…Shizuru…Shizuru,” she whispered that person’s name again.
Takako stood up walked towards her. Natsuki felt a small hand pat her shoulder.
“Thank you for telling me your story, Natsuki-san.”
Natsuki was able to muster up a small smirk. “It’s Natsuki-san now?”
The old woman laughed. “You have won my respect. I can see what Shizuru-san sees in you. You are a kind person.”
She looked down into her lap, “No. I’m not. I drove her away. All these years she had been suffering because of me and I didn’t notice—I didn’t want to notice. Because of me, I caused her so much pain.”
“Perhaps that is true. However, the fact that you know what you have done and have discovered it by yourself accounts to something.” Takako smiled. “If you know what you have done than there is only one thing Natsuki-san has to do, right?”
“I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Even so, what would I say? Sorry that I ruined ten years of your life, Shizuru?” She scoffed softly before her face reverted back into a grim visage. “She was probably right it doing what she did. I never did deserve her and her love anyway.”
“Is that what you really think?”
“I don’t know what I think.”
“Is it that hard?”
Natsuki hesitated. “It’s hard because even after all that struggle and Shizuru’s help—I still don’t get it...things like love and emotions.”
The older woman started laughing again.
“What’s there to get?” Takako was more or less cackling. Like a witch, Natsuki idly thought.
“I never expected Natsuki-chan of all people to be one to think so much. There is not much to understand. You just act upon your emotions. It is true that you have gone through more than anyone deserves to in your short life, but wouldn’t it be better if you started to live your life without acting on those burdens? It is probably hard to imagine for you, but there a people in this world that are not out to get you.” Takako finished with a warm smile. “That wasn’t too sentimental, was it?”
“…no. Thanks for the advice.”
“You’re welcome. My, why do you rake the garden if Tsuki just ruins it?”
Natsuki turned back to look at the garden. The pattern she had raked in the morning had been smeared by Duran’s paw prints. She shrugged.
“I do it just to help clear my mind in the morning. Wait…Tsuki?”
“Is that not his name?”
“His name is Duran.”
“Ara? But Shizuru-san always called him Tsuki. Why…oh. I get it.” Takako started to laugh again. “My, Shizuru-san, your humor never ceases to amuse me.”
Natsuki couldn’t stop her blood from rushing to her face.
“My, it is getting rather late.” The old woman stood up before bowing lowly. “Forgive me for taking up so much of your time.”
“Not at all,” she dutifully responded, bowing lower than her. “It was nice talking to you. Thank you for listening to me.”
“See, there is hope for you. One day Natsuki-san will fit perfectly into Japanese society.” Takako winked.
“Yeah right.” She scoffed at the idea. Even without Shizuru she hardly fit the stereotype. She followed the grandmother back to the genkan.
“Goodbye.” Takako said, bowing again. “Once more, thank you for your hospitality.”
Natsuki bowed and muttered her own farewell.
“Oh I almost forgot,” the small, wrinkled woman said turning. “Good luck Natsuki-san. I’m sure you will be able to make the best choice for yourself. And you know, Kyoto festivals in the springtime are excellent. You should go see one.”
“…I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Good. Well then,” Takako walked out of the genkan. She stopped halfway on the path leading into the street to turn and bow again which Natsuki responded with her own inclination of the head.
After that, Natsuki walked back into her home. She moved through it with familiarity and found herself back at the veranda. She took a long, lingering look at well constructed garden before returning to the center of the house.
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