Coward ----- The bike weaved in and out of traffic, it's rider always one to make the best time possible to wherever it was she was off to. With most passengers, not that she allowed many on the bike at all, she went slow and cautiously. With Fujino Shizuru, however, Natsuki knew she could go a little faster and push it a little more. The former kaichou was not weak in will and actually quite liked it when the bike really got moving. She'd gotten very used to it over the years, and of the two of them, it was Shizuru who was more likely to encourage reckless bike behavior. Maybe she had a great deal of pent up desire for an adrenaline rush. Sitting around and drinking tea couldn't have been that exciting. Natsuki parked the bike outside a small restaurant that offered outdoor dining without looking like it would be overly expensive. It was a casual little place people probably stopped by during their lunch breaks. Now, at dinner, it was only mildly busy. The two girls acquired a table and sat, gazing at the small menu. Shizuru placed hers down within moments, always one to quickly determine what it was she wanted. She then sighed. Natsuki, on the other hand, always took at least five to ten minutes to pick something, and it would always be the very first thing she had been interested in. Shizuru simply stared at her in hopes that it would encourage her to hurry up. "What?" There, discomfort was already underway. "Get the katsudon. We both know you will," Shizuru dryly said, her chin resting against her hand. Natsuki shot her a glare. "But the yakitori looks..." "You were staring at the katsudon first. That means you will, inevitably, get that after sending the waitress away several times as you complain about needing more time to decide. So get the katsudon." It was like this every time they went out to have a meal together. Natsuki waved an arm. "Stop writing a rulebook for how my brain works." "Ara, I would not have enough paper to list off all your idiosyncrasies. I do not wish to massacre an entire forest." She idly played with a napkin resting on the table in the boredom that followed in the wake of Natsuki's indecision. "If I had food, I would throw it at you." "We would have food, if you'd just get the katsudon," Fujino countered, her voice still largely in monotone. A waitress appeared, and Shizuru stared at Natsuki expectantly, trusting that the waitress would be sent away in order for Natsuki to continue pondering. But the biker, simply to spite her companion, set the menu down, glaring at the woman across from her. "What can I get you two?" "I would like the wonton ramen, please." Shizuru eagerly awaited the other person's choice, however. Natsuki, arms crossed and with determination in her voice, said, "I want the yakitori." Shizuru rose both eyebrows in amusement, but not surprise. The waitress gave them a smile and walked away to instruct the cooks to begin work. Natsuki gave Shizuru a look of absolute triumph, arms still crossed, and the two spent the next several moments in silence. Shizuru finally cracked a small smile. "You enjoy doing things just to spite me, don't you?" "No more than you enjoy picking on the innocent." Shizuru rolled her eyes. Emotionally challenged, perhaps, but certainly not innocent by anyone's standards. "I figured you would do that, actually. At least it got you to select something in a timely fashion. Thank you." Natsuki sighed. There was no winning with that woman. "You're welcome." Shizuru leaned back in her seat and patiently waited for her meal to arrive while Natsuki simply resorted to gently tapping her finger against the side of the table. A silence followed, but it was mainly a comfortable one. That was probably one of the better aspects of their friendship – they were so comfortable around one another that they could shut up and still be fine in each other's company. But, conversation did eventually spring up, and it was a most unexpected question that started it. "Which sentai did you pretend to be growing up?" Natsuki asked. Shizuru blinked. What kind of question was that? She'd heard plenty of sentai-based nonsense from Midori during the period right between the Carnival’s end and graduation, at which point the teacher began an expedition overseas. She was quite glad to have been able to miss the more embarrassing parts of that HiME Ranger stuff. All that aside, Super Sentai was something almost all kids watched, and she chose to entertain the inquiry. "I was usually the white or pink ranger," Shizuru said. "Haruka was usually the yellow ranger in my group, otherwise I probably would have been that one. The yellow one was the only girl ranger that could fight." "Haruka? You knew her when you were little, too?" Natsuki asked, raising an eyebrow. Shizuru chuckled slightly, and nodded. "I did. She and I went to the same private school back when my father was still alive and could endorse my education. It didn't last long, but, yes, I knew her." "Was she always...?" "Yeah," Shizuru said with a nod. Then she smiled. "Were you always the pretty pink ranger, or is that a recent development?" Natsuki glared. Stupid Midori. "I am not the pink ranger, and never have been. That was a cruel joke, and nothing more. I always played as the red ranger when I was a kid." "You're far too indecisive to be the red one." Shizuru idly commented as she smiled at the waitress who was arriving with their food. Natsuki bit back a return comment in front of a stranger, knowing it would look weird for two grown women to be discussing sentai. The waitress handed each their dish, and flushed as Shizuru gave her a wink. "Thank you." "You're welcome, miss." The woman kept a smile on her own face as she walked away to deal with the other customers. Natsuki huffed and then twitched the edge of her mouth up in what was either a snarl or a small smirk. When the waitress was gone, she said, "Oi, what was that?" "What was what?" Shizuru gave her the most innocent smile imaginable. "You know what I mean. That wink you gave her. It was... perverse, to say the least," Natsuki explained. Not that she was jealous. Just that she wasn't really used to even hearing about Shizuru's love life. Well, that made sense, since it had largely been revolving around Natsuki, but surely there was more to her romantic side than that. "Ara, you never know when you might get lucky," Shizuru replied, still smiling. Natsuki wasn't entirely sure whether that last bit made reference to something dirty or not, but it was something she did not want to inquire further about. Natsuki sighed as her only response. Shizuru's love life. That did raise a few interesting questions that Natsuki had never dared to ask. Like what exactly she did with that harem of hers. Or if those rumors about her and Reito dating in the past had been true. Then again, that second one didn't seem entirely likely given Shizuru's recent revelations to her. But who knew whether or not she was batting for the home team completely or switch hitting. Another question to add to the list, she supposed, but without the baseball terminology. Who applied baseball terms to sex in the first place, anyway? "Whatever," she managed to finally say. She could ask her questions another day. In other words, when she found the courage. She was a wuss when it came to all that personal stuff sometimes. Shizuru snapped apart her chopsticks with a smile and said, "My, you aren't jealo--" "No." But that didn't mean she liked it one tiny bit. "Your loss," Shizuru said with a sigh, plucking up several noodles and placing them into her mouth. Natsuki merely gave her a wry smile in response, never really one to play into her flirting games, even if they were only in jest. She thought. Then again, that may have been a sign that things were all right. Shizuru had been refraining from such comments since the end of their grand adventure. They ate quietly for some time, simply content with one another's presence. Then, Shizuru let her eyes wander a bit – perhaps to look for that rather cute waitress once again. Instead, she found herself gazing out at the crowd after taking another bite of her ramen. She had always been somewhat of a people watcher. Why, she did not know. But it was that habit that would ruin her evening. Her gaze fell upon someone who was already staring at her. He was young, perhaps ten, in the care of what appeared to be his grandmother. He merely stared. It was not in a way that indicated he was attracted or even interested in her. It was a hollow and empty gaze, as if he were afraid to move or do anything. He became lost in her returned stare. And it was then that Shizuru recognized his face. Not his exact face, but rather two separate faces that would have been the cause of his looks. As sharp as her Element had been, a bardiche was not a cutting weapon. It was a heavy thing made for chopping. The end of it was sharp enough to puncture flesh, but a full on swing would simply crush whatever was on the receiving end. She saw the face of that boy's father, and could hear a sickening and watery crunch as her bardiche ripped its way through bone and sinew. She saw the face of that boy's mother as the chain form of her Element wrapped around her torso and snapped it like an anaconda would strangle its prey, until her lungs collapsed and her ribs punctured her organs. As if possessed by that pain, Shizuru stopped breathing. She felt what was not immediately guilt. She felt traces of that, but instead, she felt fear. A selfish fear that that boy would start crying, point to her, and turn her in to the authorities for murder. Or genocide. Whatever it had been. A fear that she would be taken away and lose all hope for her own personal redemption, and that she would be labeled a monster and a beast for the rest of her days and after. Time stopped as she and that boy stared at each other, each acknowledging that they indeed recognize the opposite face. The world became gray and silent. Shizuru took a breath, and brought it back to life. She dropped her chopsticks on the table and left enough money to cover her portion of the bill. Natsuki stared up at her in shock as Shizuru stood. "What are you...?" "I need to leave." She offered no explanation or apologies. "What?" Natsuki questioned, staring after Shizuru as she stormed away as fast as a walk would take her. Upon receiving no answer, the other woman too flustered despite her mental control, Natsuki left her own part of the bill on the table and took off after her. With a bit of a jog, she caught up, staring at Shizuru in shock and wonder as the Kyoto woman marched down the street and back in the direction of her apartment, apparently intending on walking. That was a long walk. Natsuki grabbed onto her sleeve as they moved. "If you want to go home, I'll take you. Shizuru, hey, wai--" Natsuki protested, and then nearly rammed into the other girl when she froze and turned back around. Her eyes betrayed the emotion she would not willingly show on her face. Natsuki saw fear and she saw guilt. For a moment, she thought she saw anger. "Go home." A demand in a tone of voice that indicated that resistance would do no good. A tone that indicated she was not wanted. What on Earth? What had caused such a reaction? She hadn't even done anything. Had she? Natsuki continued to follow for a few paces. "Shizuru, what did I...?" "Nothing. You did nothing wrong. Just please leave me be," Shizuru demanded. Her body trembled as she vacated the area. Natsuki simply watched her go, not understanding what exactly had just happened. Ahead, the Kyoto woman's gut wrenched with remorse and worry that she would be pointed out. At that time, anything that reminded her of the Carnival could not be tolerated. It only worsened the images in her head. Natsuki, who's face had once given her hope and promises of forgiveness, simply served as visual proof that her nightmares had been real. - - - One of Shizuru's strengths was her ability to be completely apathetic to things that mere mortals would become hysterical over. When became locked in a state of emotional unrest she tended to panic, only to worsen it. She seldom ever wept. The only time she could recall doing that was right after her rebirth, when the guilt had nearly killed her again. She would not bring herself to cry now. To anyone looking in, they would have seen a calm woman sitting on her ankles in the middle of her apartment. Her mind, however, was reeling so fast that she felt that passing out was a legitimate threat. Her brows were knitted as flashes of everything she did once again came back to her, as it sometimes did in the darkness of night before she went to sleep. She had done well to forget about it over the last month or so. Now, having seen the offspring of two of her victims, it could not be ignored. She tried to reason with herself. She shifted blame so that she would not be weighed down with guilt. It was purely the Obsidian Lord toying with her emotions. It (or he, whatever it had been) had deliberately pushed her to the edge of sanity purely so that it could use her as a chess piece in its great game. But, she had been fine before her little bout of genocide, right? It was then Nagi's fault. He had tricked her into accepting Kiyohime without fully explaining what it was she was doing. He had made her promises of grandeur and told her that a certain biker would surely be grateful for Shizuru defending her like some kind of knight out of a fairytale. A lot of good that notion did. He'd acted as the messenger, directing her to her slaughter. But, then, they had all been subject to Nagi's trickery, right? They had not truly listened. She knew better as well. So, then... It was Natsuki's fault. In Shizuru's desperate bid to find some kind of scapegoat, Natsuki became the only thing capable of being locked in her crosshairs. Her Key became her target. She had given that girl everything. Her time, her family, her gifts. She became kaichou simply to give her access to Fuuka's database, and endured the endless and tedious work that followed just so that Natsuki could get what she wanted. She had hated it. In every case, Natsuki took, but had never showed Shizuru the same kind of gratitude. Whenever she needed help, Natsuki was nowhere to be found. Shizuru had been willing to die and kill for her, and Natsuki simply flinched and fled from her as if she was nothing more than a monster – forgetting their precious years as each others' only friend. In that state, Shizuru could not find reason to dismiss Natsuki as the cause for all the actions that had unfolded, nor could she concentrate on anything positive. She found someone to mentally dump the burden on. She really was such... an ungrateful child. How foolish Shizuru had been to find herself relying on her for comfort. She was like a homely social exile blindly lusting after a gorgeous elder girl – no matter how kind she tried to be, she would always be turned away. Even on just platonic levels. Shizuru was a very patient, too patient, individual, and had trusted that the biker just needed time. Even after three years, their friendship had always appeared one sided. Natsuki could have at least found the decency to properly leave Shizuru behind if after all that time she still hadn't found the ability to at least pretend to be an honest friend. The logical and friendlier side of Fujino Shizuru was pushed aside as the cowardly desire to tear herself away from her murderous guilt took hold. - - - "Have you talked to her in the last few days?" Natsuki inquired. Tanya furrowed her brows. She had thought the two were in the middle of a tiff when they had left for Moscow, but it was still going on? Shizuru did not often employ the silent treatment as some sort of punishment for a petty argument. Their quarrel must have been serious. The red-eyed Russian set down her cup of tea and placed it on the table next to her chair. She focused on the young Japanese girl across from her on the couch. "I called her a time or two. She sounded fine to me," Tanya began to say. "Did you girls get into a fight during graduation? Things have felt tense for the last month or so." Natsuki grumbled in frustration. She had run to Shizuru's aunt, because, well, she was all Natsuki had for elder family. The biker had looked on the woman like her own kin, and as such, she was someone to turn to in a crisis – even if that crisis involved her actual relative. If anyone knew Shizuru aside from Natsuki, it was Tanya. If she sounded fine to her, then was she only angry with Natsuki? "I don't know what in the hell happened," Natsuki tried to explain. "One minute we were eating dinner downtown, and in the next, she was storming off and essentially telling me to get out of her sight. We were just eating, I... don't even recall saying anything that would have gotten her angry." Natsuki paused. Had it been their light conversation about Natsuki's potential jealousy and the brief allusion to Shizuru's feelings that set her off to the point where she had some kind of anxiety attack? Damn. Well, she couldn't very well tell Tanya that. She looked up, seeing the Russian woman look mildly surprised. That was not, after all, how Shizuru usually behaved at all. Tanya took her time in answering, not entirely sure how to step into their argument. She had always kept her distance from their private interaction, no matter how close she was to them. "Has she acted like this way to your or anyone else before?" Tanya inquired. Natsuki slowly shook her head. She was not used to this. She was not used to this at all. Shizuru was the epitome of calm. Her tone of voice, a barking order to tell her to go away, still was fresh in her memory. Natsuki held up her hands in defeat. "She's... never done that. What do I do? She won't answer her phone." Tanya brushed a lock of Natsuki's hair back. The Japanese girl did not know how to handle something like this. Shizuru was introverted to a fault, something Tanya had always chided her about. Perhaps the anger that had accumulated through the years had finally made her snap in some way. Sending Natsuki to apologize might have been a mistake. So, Tanya tended to Natsuki's worries until the biker went home with a sigh, not knowing what else to do. - - - Tanya had a key to Shizuru's apartment, and she let herself in. It was deathly silent, which initially made Tanya tense with unfounded worry. Then, moving further into the apartment, she saw her niece lying on her couch. A half eaten omelet rested on a nearby table, the girl not having the stomach to finish it. Shizuru was on her belly, her face resting against the back of the couch, looking away. As Tanya took a few steps closer, until she was within arm's reach, Shizuru stirred. She picked up on her presence, and turned a gentle glance back at her aunt. Eyes were watered, despite Shizuru trying her best to hide it. Tanya's mouth was open in worry and surprise, especially after Shizuru once again buried her face in the couch, looking away once more. "I'm sleepy, Aunt Tanya. We can go out again later," Shizuru offered. Tanya rested a hand on Shizuru's back, and that triggered the collapse of the last wall Shizuru still had standing. Not a second after making physical contact, Shizuru gave into her childlike desire of wanting a mother figure after all that had happened. Tanya's presence triggered a wave of body convulsing sobs, and the elder woman could only stare in shock. Not sure what else to do, Tanya rested her head against Shizuru's arm, the younger girl still not turning around to face her. For ten minutes they remained like that, Tanya's embrace eventually calming Shizuru down to a point where tears no longer fell. After two further minutes of Shizuru recovering from her embarrassment over crying in front of someone, the Kyoto girl rolled onto her back, facing her aunt. "I'm sorry." Tanya shook her head. "Don't be. If you needed to let it out, you should not be ashamed in doing so. What happened, 'Ru?" "I don't remember when it happened," Shizuru began, and only continued after seeing her aunt's confused face. "I don't remember when I lost my pride and independence." Tanya shook her head. "What are you on about, Shizuru? Speak to me." Shizuru brushed a tear out of her eye with her sweatshirt sleeve. "I used to be happy to just wander through the world and appreciate what it had to offer me, you know. The Noble Truth was right after all. I had never listened. When I started to desire something, my life went to hell." That surely meant 'when I started to desire someone.' So it was troubles of the heart, then? Some youthful romance that had turned sour? Then, why would she snap at...? Tanya's eyes widened ever so slightly. Oh. In a way, it made sense. Sometimes, Tanya had wondered just how close those girls' relationship was. "How long have you been in love with her?" Shizuru did not seem entirely surprised that Tanya guessed. Had it been anyone else, Shizuru would have panicked in the knowledge that her secret was out. With Tanya, all she felt was relief. "Since a few months after I met her and first introduced her to you." "That long?" Tanya inquired, surprised. No wonder Shizuru was having an emotional breakdown of sorts. After years of repressing her emotions, she surely would have had to reach some kind of snapping point. Little did she know, of course, that the true snap involved unbridled destruction and that her niece was guilty of homicide. Shizuru's gaze was as hard as stone. "Ara, I am a fool. To be willed into servitude like this – it is a disgrace. I do not deserve it. There is no reason for me to be strung along like a plaything." Tanya took a breath. "Does she know?" "Yes, she knows," Shizuru said. "She knows and she pities me for it. She told me flat out that she did not feel the same way, and I understood. What I could not do was break free of that spell she put on me that forces me to jump at her every command, or even without a command, and for no reward. I feel very much like that imbecile Takeda, always chasing but for a goal he can never reach. It is not worth it. Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not. There is far more to life than wasting my time with this." "So you simply want to cut her from your life?" Tanya inquired, staring back with a similar intensity. It would have been fine if it were any other friend, but Natsuki? She had worked her way into the family, and Tanya had grown to love her. It would be heart wrenching to see a split. "You can't force someone to love you. You'll only drive them away. You are the only person Natsuki truly trusts, Shizuru. You can't just leave her. Even if she doesn't feel the same, she still does love you." Shizuru's jaw tightened. "I can't just turn off emotions, no matter what people think. I can't continue to be in her presence while thinking such unnatural things. I'll just end up back in the same pattern of self-abuse." Tanya began to glare. "Your mother said something to me once that I never forgot, and I'm going to do a shitty paraphrasing of it, but it rings true. Romance is only one form of love, and it isn't even the strongest one. Romance is love tainted with carnal desire. Real, honest love is affection on its own – when two people care for each other without worrying or focusing on what the other looks like sans their clothing. When you find honest love, then and only then does the romance aspect have a proper place in a relationship. You can find more fulfillment from a friend than a lover. You think you're a fool now. If you throw away the genuine friendship you and Natsuki have, something that had already bordered on that kind of honest love, then you will become the moron you describe." The Kyoto girl sat up with a uncharacteristically harsh sigh, still suppressing all of the still very present guilt she felt over her mild killing spree and all the other, far worse, things she had done. "It's going to be impossible to look at her the same ever again. I can't do it." "Yes, you can. But if you don't want to try, I can't make you," Tanya said. "It is your life and she is your friend – your only friend, I might point out – and so it is your decision to make." Shizuru gave a shaky sigh, still lost in thought. She was Takeda. She was more desperate than Takeda. Only someone who greatly lacked powers of retention would continue such a vain pursuit. To be dependent on someone was folly, and she never used to be like that. She had been strong, and she tried to remember the last time she had a spine. For Shizuru, in both her upbringing and her personal belief, strength and independence was something to be cherished. Tanya did speak a few words of truth, she would give her that. She formed a quick plan in her head of what she could possibly do to free herself from that kind of captivity without losing the friendship that had kept her content over the years and had pulled Shizuru out of a state of loneliness that only the likes of Nao or Natsuki could understand. Shizuru was stubborn, perhaps as much as Natsuki, and if she could get it through her head that she was free from whatever spell had been put on her those years ago, then she could find a way through it. Natsuki was not important. She took a deep breath, the murkiest depths of her consciousness still hissing that the mayhem and chaos of the Carnival was all the biker's fault. She would recover her grace and dignity once again. It would just take time and a gentle shove. - - - Author Notes: To be honest, I get quite sick of reading stories with Shizuru simply following Natsuki around like a lost dog incapable of surviving without her, or having her entire life essentially revolve around nothing else but trying to win Natsuki over. So, for anyone who wants kaichou-sama to have a backbone, this will probably be your story.
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