Closer to Hell, Nearer to Heaven
I need to explain the music. Expose was the best female 80s pop trio.
Through the years, their work has been sadly overlooked. It’s very
eloquent and relevant. That’s why I’ve used snippets of their songs
in this story.
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Naru’s door slammed. Haruka had heard that sound scores of
times, but never at 1:00 in the morning. Her temper was legendary,
but Narusegawa was very considerate of the other residents at Hinata
Apartments. She must have been really upset to make that kind of
noise in the middle of the night. Haruka was tired, but she sure as
hell wanted to find out what had bothered Naru so much that now she
and Naru were both losing sleep over it. She got off her mattress,
slipped into a robe, grabbed a cigarette, and walked through the
chilly hallway to Narusegawa’s door. She knocked.
“Go away!” a tearful voice yelled.
“It’s Haruka,” the calm woman said.
“Go away, Haruka!” Naru replied.
Haruka opened the door. “Not until you tell me what’s wrong, I
won’t.”
“Damn it, Haruka-sempai.” Naru wiped her eyes and looked at her
concerned friend. “Is that pathetic worm really your nephew?”
Haruka sat in a high-backed chair. “How did I know Keitaro was
involved in this? Just let it out, Naru-chan. It’ll make you feel
better.”
“Nothing will make me feel better.”
“I just told you I’m not leaving until you let me know what
happened. If you want it to be, it’ll be a long night for both of us.
But I wish you’d let me know now. I’ll help in any way I can. I
can’t help if I don’t know the problem.”
“All right, if it will make you leave me alone!” Naru instantly
regretted the words. “I’m sorry, Haruka-sempai; I didn’t mean that.”
“I know you didn’t.”
“Keitaro and I…we were in his room. I-I told him I was ready to
make love. So we started. I was getting close to my climax…and he
came. But when he…when h-he came-“ the fiery brunette broke down in
tears.
“Let it out, Naru-chan,” Haruka gently urged.
There was a knock on the door. “Go away!” Naru and Haruka
shouted. Keitaro stepped into the room.
“You don’t listen too good, do you?” Naru asked as she ground
her fist into her palm.
“What have I done, Naru-chan? Have I hurt you somehow? I’m
sorry for whatever it was. Tell me what I did and I’ll fix it. What
did I-“
“-Are you trying to make me believe that you don’t remember, you
pig? You are very close to Death’s door!”
“Naru, I only want-“
“-Shut up! Just shut up! Goddamn, you really don’t remember!
You called me, ‘Seta’!”
Haruka watched the young man’s eyes and knew that it was true.
Keitaro’s mouth dropped open. He stumbled back a step and nearly
fell.
“Now get the hell out.” Naru’s voice was low and so menacing
that it made Haruka fear for Keitaro’s life if he didn’t comply.
Keitaro took the opportunity that Naru had given him. He split.
He turned and ran out of the room. Haruka got up and closed the door.
Naru was a real mess now, trembling as she sobbed. Haruka put her
hands on the girl’s shoulders. Naru began to calm down. When the
brown-haired girl stopped crying, Haruka sat back down in Naru’s
chair.
“What else?”
“H-Haruka-sempai? Are you deaf?”
“I heard. But I know there’s more to it.”
“No, there isn’t.”
“You shouldn’t lie to yourself, Naru-chan. What happened after
you heard that name?”
“Well…well obviously, I couldn’t come. So I faked it. Then I
left as soon as I could.”
“Why were you with him in the first place? You don’t love him,”
Haruka stated quietly. Naru jumped up and rushed the older woman, but
Haruka caught her wrist before she could deliver the slap.
“How dare you?” Naru shrieked.
“Now you know that he doesn’t love you either. Naru, answer my
question: why did you and he have sex?”
“Because I’ve never been loved. I thought he wanted me and I
needed to be wanted. Haruka-sempai, I’m so tired of not being wanted.
What’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want me?”
Haruka felt Naru’s pain, but continued her press. “You’re
almost there. But you still haven’t told the whole truth. Part of
the reason you’re mad at Keitaro is because you were playing the same
game he was. You saw yourself mirrored in him and you resented it.
It’s not just that you didn’t want him, it’s that you wanted someone
else. Naru-chan, you won’t be able to get past it if you don’t
confess it.”
“You think you’re so damned clever, Haruka. You think you’re so
wise. Well, you’re wrong this time; I don’t want anyone specific. I
just want to be loved.”
“Really?”
“Really!”
Haruka sighed. “If you’d said it yourself, it would have helped
you heal faster. But since you won’t, I’ll do it for you. You want
love, all right. From Motoko.”
Naru’s face went as white as a pearl. “How do you know that? I
never said it. I didn’t hint at it. I never even wrote it in my
diary.”
“It’s how you look at her and how you act when she’s around.
For your own sake, stop lying and admit it.”
Naru’s brown eyes spurted more tears. She’d hoped that she
would have run out of them by now. “Fine. You seem to know
everything anyway. Yes, I want Motoko.”
There was a long pause. Haruka released Naru’s wrist and gave
her a hug. “I’m not the woman you should be telling, Naru-chan. As
you said, I already knew.”
Narusegawa looked up at Haruka in shock. “You’re saying I
should tell Motoko? I can’t and you know it. She and Shinobu-chan
are in love.”
“Can you heal if you don’t tell her?”
“What are you goading me for, Haruka-sempai? Are you saying I
should try to get Motoko to dump Shinobu? I won’t. Shinobu is so
sweet. She’s too good a friend. She’s too fragile to handle it.”
“I’m saying you should tell Motoko how you feel. Nothing more.
Motoko is her own woman. She has a brain and a heart and they both
work.”
Narusegawa got up from her chair. She paced restlessly. She
was undecided, mulling Haruka’s advice. “If I can find the courage, I
will tell her.” She stopped and regarded her old friend with remorse.
“I’m ashamed of how I abused you, Haruka-sempai.”
“Don’t be. I was your age once. I understand completely.”
“Well…did things work out for you?”
“Not all of them. But enough.”
* * * * *
Motoko sniffed the bouquet that Shinobu had arranged for her.
“I’m the luckiest woman alive,” she told herself. Shinobu was always
finding little ways to show Motoko her love. She was thoughtful and
wonderful.
Motoko set the bouquet on her desk and opened her closet. She
had so many more choices now than she’d had several weeks ago; once
again, that was thanks to her purple-eyed lover. Motoko looked
around, searching for the right thing to wear on a day like today. It
was going to be a rather lazy day, really; just three hours of
training. And that wasn’t going to happen until this afternoon. This
morning, the gang had already had breakfast. Motoko and Shinobu were
planning on catching an early movie. Motoko wanted to look terrific
for her lover. She would wear that yellow set of lingerie that she’d
gotten a week ago. She’d cover that with her slinky, navy blue,
cotton minidress. Footwear…those black leather sandals would show off
the sapphire toe ring Shinobu had bought her. Motoko grinned evilly.
Shinobu wouldn’t be able to resist her today. The beautiful girl with
the fantastic, dark blue hair would wait until they were alone and
then she would pounce on Motoko.
And I’ll bring my light blue drape, just in case, Motoko
calculated. The tall, black-haired girl checked herself in the mirror
and smiled. She pulled her door open.
Naru was standing there, hand raised as if she’d been about to
knock on the door. She saw Motoko and became instantly flustered.
“Naru-san, what’s up?” Motoko asked.
“M-M-Motoko-chan! You look great. I, umm…can I come in for a
second? I have to talk to you.”
“Sure. The young samurai led Narusegawa into the room. “Have a
seat,” she offered.
“No thanks, I’m too nervous.”
“What? Why are you nervous? It’s just your old friend Motoko.
What is going on, Naru?”
“My confession. Something I’ve been meaning to tell you for
ages-how do I look, Motoko-chan?”
Naru was wearing a sleeveless red turtleneck and an orange skirt
that barely reached past her hips. She had a pale orange ribbon in
her long, chestnut hair. White stockings peeked over the dark brown
boots that nearly reached her knees. A pink coral bracelet adorned
her left wrist. “You look lovely. Are you trying to impress someone
special?”
“Bingo!” Naru confirmed. “And I’m pretty sure about most of the
outfit. But…”
“…Yes?”
“It’s my…underwear.” She and Motoko blushed at the same time.
“I need your opinion, Motoko; are these sexy?” She unzipped her skirt
to reveal part of a lacy, white pair of panties.
“…You are as different as shadow and light to me;
You are like fire and rain.
Each of you is such a wondrous delight to me;
I don’t want to feel pain.
No one can give me the pleasure they give to me-
I just can’t part company…
I want to keep up devotion to both of them
Even if I have to cheat.”
“Yes. Yes, they are.” Motoko swallowed hard. “I hope you
aren’t doing what I think you’re doing, Naru-san. Don’t try to seduce
me. I’ve-“
“-I know about you and Shinobu,” Naru stated bluntly. “But I
think I’m in love with you.” She slowly advanced toward the taller
girl. “This goes back to before we met Shinobu. For years, I’ve
admired you in secret. I want you, Motoko-chan.”
Naru laid a hand on Motoko’s cheek. “Don’t, Naru,” Motoko
protested weakly.
“Would you deny me even one small kiss?” She put her arms
around the strong girl and kissed her with gentle force. Naru’s eyes
closed; Motoko’s eyes widened.
“That was great,” Narusegawa breathed as she pulled her lips
from Motoko’s. Growing bolder, she rested her hands on Motoko’s
muscular buttocks.
“Stop it, Naru,” Motoko whispered.
“If that’s what you really want, why aren’t you resisting?” The
shorter girl began inching Motoko’s dress up her legs. She kissed the
younger girl again, and Motoko closed her eyes this time. She felt
the bottom portion of her dress bunching around her waist. She felt
Naru’s hand rub across her vulvae through the thin satin of her
panties.
This is wrong, Motoko thought. I should stop this now. But
then she felt her own hands on Naru’s tight backside. She felt her
body growing hotter. “Stop, Naru…” she moaned.
“Hey, Toko-chan!” a high voice called from the hall. “I’ve got
to-“ Shinobu quit talking as she opened her lover’s door. Naru and
Motoko were frozen in each other’s arms, looking like two frightened
rabbits.
“Oh, God,” Motoko said quietly.
“…Why does this world go on spinning?
Why do the tides roll ashore?
Don’t they know
It’s the end
Of the world
‘Cause you don’t love me
Anymore?”
Shinobu turned and ran.
Motoko shoved Naru away and straightened her clothes. Then she
bolted for Shinobu’s room. Naru began weeping and ran to her own
room.
Motoko rounded the last corner. Shinobu had almost made it to
her bedroom before she’d collapsed to her knees in the hall. Her
delicate body quaked as she sobbed. Motoko crouched behind the girl
with the dark blue hair.
“Shinobu-chan, I-I’m sorry-“
“-Motoko-san.” The word hit the young samurai like a pickaxe.
Shinobu hadn’t called her that since the day she’d confessed her love.
“So much…pain…I’m…so hurt…”
Like an animated corpse, Motoko turned and stumbled back to her
room. Life was over. Her dearest Shinobu would never forgive her.
With cold, unfeeling hands, she pulled open her weapons’ case. The
sword-fit for brave death in combat-too good for her. The
wakizashi-the dagger-perfect for an honorless wretch’s death. Motoko
removed the short blade from its sheath. She aimed it at her breast.
“…Darling, I’ve got a feeling
That the tears are gonna start
And losing you
Would tear
My world apart…”
Shinobu dove at the despairing samurai and batted the dagger out
of her grasp. She threw her arms around the black-haired girl.
“Toko-chan, why? Why did you terrify me like that?”
Tears finally fell from Motoko’s eyes, hard and fast.
“You…should have let…me do it, Shinobu,” she wailed. “I just
wounded…the girl I…swore I’d protect. I threw…away your love. My
life is…worthless.”
Shinobu gripped Motoko’s shoulders tightly and shook her. “Look
at me, Toko-chan. Damn it, I said look at me!”
Motoko stared into the bottomless purple eyes and saw compassion
and pain.
Shinobu slapped Motoko very hard. “That’s for trying to desert
me!” Motoko welcomed the sting. Shinobu slapped Motoko’s other
cheek. “That’s for calling yourself worthless!” she screamed at the
fighter. Then she embraced the crying samurai, hugging her fervently
to her chest. “I will always love you, Toko-chan. How can you be
worthless? You are everything to me.
“Did you forget that, or did you think I was lying? You were
about to leave me all alone to deal with this pain; how could you be
that selfish? You were going to run away like a coward when I need
you the most.”
“You don’t hate me?”
“Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said? I love you forever. And
I love you forever. And I love you longer than forever. If I didn’t
love you, I wouldn’t be scared and hurt.”
Motoko was calming herself, secure in Shinobu’s embrace, feeling
Shinobu’s small hands gently stroking her hair. “I let you down,
Shinobu-chan,” she sniffed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Everyone makes mistakes. I don’t love you because you’re
perfect. I love you because you’re Aoyama Motoko. My Toko-chan.
Anything you do wrong I can forgive, but only if you’re alive for me
to get the chance.
“When you turned and left me on my knees in the hall, I knew you
needed my help more than I needed yours. When I saw you holding that
knife-I was so scared, Toko-chan! I nearly died when I saw that awful
sight. Promise me you’ll never do that again.”
“I promise, my Shinobu-chan.”
“Thank you.” Shinobu gave Motoko a dazzling smile. She wiped
the tears from the young warrior’s eyes. Then she stood and helped
Motoko to her feet. She guided the taller girl into the hall. Motoko
knew where they were going. It would hurt her. But that couldn’t be
anything next to what she’d just put Shinobu through. She kept
silent.
Shinobu knocked on Narusegawa’s door.
“I’m sorry,” Naru said from within the room. She really meant
it, too. She heard the door open and shut, but she didn’t look up.
She knew who it was, and there was no way she could face them. She
pulled her knees closer to her chest and stayed in the far corner of
the room.
“Narusegawa,” Shinobu said, “I forgive you. We need to resolve
this. Please stop crying and sit near us.”
Naru wiped her face and sat on the floor, across from Shinobu
and Motoko.
“I thought I’d be able to talk civilly, but now that I see you,
I know I can’t until I let off some steam,” the short girl stated
solemnly.
“Do it, please; I deserve it. In your shoes, I’d have done it
already,” Narusegawa said apologetically.
Slap! “You tried to steal my Toko-chan!” Slap! “She nearly
killed herself!” More tears ran down Naru’s cheeks, but the pain felt
good to her guilty conscience.
“Now it’s time to speak,” Shinobu announced firmly. “I’ll go
first. Toko-chan, I love you. Naru-san, you’re my very dear friend.
I don’t want to see either of you hurt or sad. I’ve forgiven you, but
I’m only human. It will take a while to regrow my trust.”
The three girls sat in silence. Then Naru began to talk. “I’m
ashamed because I didn’t see your love for what it is and I tried to
destroy it for the sake of a silly crush. I hate myself for hurting
my two closest friends, who’ve never been anything but kind to me.”
“Don’t hate yourself, Naru-san,” Shinobu bade. “Loneliness
makes people do crazy things. We’ve forgiven you, so forgive
yourself.”
The silence resumed. Motoko spoke.
“Naru, you’re a wonderful friend. But I don’t love you the way
I love Shinobu-chan and I never will. If I led you on before, I
didn’t mean to, and I’m sorry. And Shinobu…Shinobu-chan…you are my
strength and my love. I can’t believe that I injured such a true
heart. I won’t doubt your love again.”
The silence filled Naru’s room once more.
“Is there anything else?” Shinobu asked somberly. She looked at
Motoko, who shook her head. She looked at Narusegawa, who murmured,
“No.”
“…Don’t hold back on me, love.
You won’t know what you’re missing
Until I’m gone.
Oh…
You don’t know what you’ve got
Until you lose it--
You abuse it…”
“All right.” The short girl got to her feet. “I need some time
alone.”
* * * * *
The atmosphere at Hinata was drab and gloomy as the day grew
long. No one avoided anyone, but no one felt like talking, either.
Taking her example from the steadfast love of Shinobu, Naru told
Keitaro that she forgave him. And she asked for his forgiveness when
she told him the truth. The residents of Hinata ate dinner in
near-silence and then most of them headed for their separate rooms.
Kaolla asked Kitsune if she could sleep in her room again, and Kitsune
told her that the door was open for as long as she cared to use it.
Haruka could guess at all that had gone wrong. She apologized to Naru
for her advice. Naru said that no apology was necessary, since she’d
gone far beyond the advice all by herself. Day turned into evening.
Motoko was working on her calligraphy. She heard a knock.
Shinobu, she realized. Even her knock is special. I’d know it
anywhere. “Come in, Shinobu-chan,” she invited.
“…I can mend a broken heart.
I can fix it one, two, three.
I can take away the pain;
You can count on me.
I can mend a broken heart;
I can fix it just like new.
I can take away the pain…and
Give you love that’s true.”
Shinobu laughed from behind the closed door. “I can’t,” she
answered, “so could you open up, please?” The black-haired samurai
did, and she saw Shinobu standing there in her doorway, looking at her
from behind a stack of bath towels. A bath towel was all she was
wearing. “Take two and get ready for a long soak,” the blue-haired
girl instructed.
Motoko’s spirits lifted instantly. She shed her garments and
clothed herself in one of the towels. She nodded to Shinobu and they
fetched Narusegawa from her room. The three girls reclined together
in the hot spring.
Shinobu spoke, choosing the words carefully. “I was wrong. We
shouldn’t be alone; we need each other’s support. Together we will
heal faster and hopefully we will avoid scars. I want us to recover
completely from this.”
They soaked and relaxed for nearly two hours, talking softly.
Naru yawned. “I think it’s time I went to bed,” she told her friends.
“It’s been a really long day,” Shinobu reflected. “I feel
better. I’ll see you in the morning, Naru-san.”
“Yes, good night, Naru-san.”
“Good night, you two.” The girl with chestnut hair left the
bath.
“Toko-chan, come over here and lean against me,” Shinobu
suggested. Motoko gratefully accepted the invitation. She laid her
back on Shinobu’s chest. Shinobu massaged the tall warrior’s neck and
shoulders.
“Are you up for a bit of love-making tonight, my darling?”
Shinobu whispered into Motoko’s ear.
“M-hmm,” Motoko replied, almost in a trance. “I guess that must
have been a trick question?”
“Good. You and I will make a wonderful breakfast tomorrow,”
Shinobu stated. “We’ve all been through some hell recently.”
“Your heart is so splendid,” Motoko sighed. “You treat us so
well. After what we did…the hurt…”
“Everyone feels pain,” Shinobu began, “and it goes away. You
and Naru, that was fleeting pain-mostly just from panic-because I know
you love me. You with that knife-that was sheer terror; the most pain
I’ve ever felt. But it’s over now and it’s time to heal.”
“Time to heal,” Motoko echoed.
* * * * *
Shinobu woke earlier than Motoko. She leaned toward her tall
lover’s ear. “Aishiteru, Toko-chan,” she murmured. She gently
removed her arm from Motoko’s slender waist and rose from her
mattress. “You need the rest, love, so take it,” she whispered.
She worked her magic in the kitchen at lightning speed. The
Hinata residents dragged themselves to breakfast. In some sort of
rare occurrence, Kitsune was the first one to the dining room,
followed closely by Su. After that, Keitaro showed up, then Motoko,
Naru, and Haruka. When everyone was finally there, Shinobu got up,
stood behind Motoko, and clasped her hands around the young samurai’s
neck. “Did you sleep well, Toko-chan?” she asked.
“Absolutely. This breakfast is delicious. You’re the best cook
ever. That poem you wrote me is beautiful. You treat me like a
princess.”
“You are my princess, love.”
“My little Shinobu-chan, you’re so sweet!”
Kitsune chuckled. “That’s cute. Get a room, would you guys?”
“Sounds like a good idea.” Shinobu nuzzled Motoko’s neck.
“Isn’t that a good idea?”
“It’s an excellent idea,” Motoko agreed.
The lovers locked elbows and left the dining room.
“Uh. Did what I think just happened…happen?” Keitaro asked in
astonishment.
“Yup!” Naru answered. “They belong together. And with their
combined strength, I’ll bet they make it.”
“I thought you said Shinobu was fragile,” Haruka smiled.
“I was wrong. She’s the strongest person I know.”
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