It got worse. Or better. More likely, she was just going crazy and these were the varying, preliminary steps - it wasn't as if crazy people ever mentioned how their madness started, or what it was that finally sent them over the edge. Maybe she wouldn't even realize she'd lost her mind, Arisu thought, it would just come slowly, like the passing of one season to the next. The feeling of being watched intensified, and at times she found herself tense, as if waiting, catching a flicker of movement from the corner of her eye and spinning suddenly - in the park, in the office - only to see nothing but an empty hallway behind her, or a leaf slowly fluttering to the ground. If it were insanity, though, Arisu thought for sure it would have truly frightened her more, or that it would have seemed to have some effect on the world around her. Maybe one or two people commented on some greater distraction, frowning a bit as she asked them to repeat themselves, but other than that, on the outside everything stayed the same. It wasn't only that her perceptions changed, Arisu thought, but the way it happened. Not so much that she was learning anything new but that she no longer panicked so much, didn't reject the small interjections by whatever new reality had touched her so briefly that night - a hand, a human hand... Lain? - and the world was actually changing. Life had been one long string of numbing, marching binary code, ones and zeroes never changing, black and white and endless - until now. She couldn't see it, could only feel it - like everything else, it seemed impossible - but she knew the whole world had changed, would change, just for her. All she had to do was accept it, it seemed, and an entire universe would open itself up at her feet. It wasn't enough. Or more accurately, these new moments just weren't happening the right way. Maybe Lain, or whatever it was that was haunting her, was trying to be gentle, being as careful as possible not to frighten her, but this was just silly. At this rate, it would take her forever to learn what was going on - and after countless days of this almost-contact, standing in the shower and waiting while nothing happened, waiting for any sign, any chance to reach back if anyone reached out again... waiting... //Why not ask? If you're so ready, tell her so.// It took a few more days for Arisu to pull together the strength to really go through with it - it would change everything, she knew that without knowing how or why, that to reach out like this would alter her entire life, to just stop, brace herself- //Why not now?// Quickly, she crossed the street, walking into a small city park, and moving onto the most secluded path she could find, her hands clenched and a strange tightness in her limbs. Arisu listened to the click of her shoes against the pavement for a few moments, and then stopped, forcing herself to speak before she could convince herself not to. "I know you're there. I know you can hear me." Arisu glanced around, making sure she was alone, though she doubted anyone would find it that strange to see a woman talking to herself in this city. Maybe she could grab her cell phone and make it look as if she were - Arisu felt a rustle of wind behind her, a few leaves skittering across the surface of the pavement, saw the outline of a vague shadow, melting in with her own. She turned, unsure what to expect, the fear evaporating as her eyes met a familiar face. "Hello, Arisu." The girl's voice was strangely toneless, and soft, and even though her smile seemed a little strange, Arisu felt her heart twinge anyway - it was a gentle, careful smile, as if she might run screaming at any moment. "Lain. You're... Lain, aren't you?" She took a careful step forward, as if the girl was a wild animal who might spook or - it seemed more possible, somehow - that she might just disappear, blur and fade and shatter like the leaves still scratching here and there along the pavement. The girl didn't speak, one strand of hair falling in front of her face, waving a little in the breeze, the edge of her skirt - a school uniform, /her/ school's uniform - fluttering slightly. "Please... can you tell me who you are? Or... what... what you are? What's going on?" "Will you walk with me, Arisu?" The abrupt, careful question - Lain did not want to answer her, and she wondered if the tremor she swore she heard was really one of fear? What would the girl have to fear, she was obviously the one in control. //... but she can't control my reactions, and that's why she's so frightened.// Arisu blinked at the sudden rightness of the thought, found herself nodding gently. "All right, we can walk if you'd like to." It was strange, the way the rest of the world disappeared into light and shadow and background noise, and all she was aware of was Lain - the sound of her breathing, the way the light turned her hair into so many colors, brown and soft gold - it would feel smooth, if she dared to reach out and touch, to make sure the girl was real. Arisu tried not to look every few moments, as they walked down the path in silence, finally re-emerging onto a somewhat crowded street, but her eyes were drawn to Lain, and more than once she found herself faltering, as the girl stared back at her. "The uniform, I thought I remembered... you were in my school, weren't you." "Yes." "We were friends, weren't we." "Yes." "How did I hurt you?" Lain stopped walking, Arisu knew she had struck with those words, swore she could read the girl's mind as she looked into her eyes - it seemed that she might bolt, that whomever she was and whatever power she had to make the world change and stand still, whether phantom or illusion or maybe just some strange hallucination, she was also a frightened girl. The two of them had walked this path before, this maze of questions and answers and more questions - and at the end of it Arisu knew she had left Lain alone. Gently, she lifted her hands, putting them on the girl's shoulders, forcing her to look up - the end of that tied-up strand of hair brushed against her hand, yes it was as soft as she had thought it would be - and Arisu smiled her best steady smile, wanting to feel strong even if she did not, wanting Lain to feel secure. "I won't leave you, all right? I promise, whatever..." she paused, knew it was quite a promise to make, when she still had so many more questions than answers. "Whatever you show me, whatever happens after this... I've grown up, Lain. I'm not afraid anymore. I..." ... and then she looked, really /looked/ at her hand, at the cuff of her sleeve that was no longer the color it should be, and Arisu whirled away from Lain to stare at her reflection in the side of a building - //I've grown up. I've...// The Arisu that stared back at her was straight from a photograph, the girl she had been back then, high-school uniform and all. Slowly, she lifted a hand, turning it this way and that, no longer caring if anyone saw or what they thought. Behind her, she saw the reflection Lain bow her head. "I'm sorry. It was easier for me, I... like you like this, I..." "It's all right." The tiny part of her brain that still wasn't stunned was actually screeching in joy, something about crow's feet and laugh lines and other inane chatter. Arisu numbly slid her hand into a pocket, found the wallet she had carried - no doubt there was money inside. Finally, her mind was able to latch on to something to say. "Would you like to go get something to eat?" Lain nodded, and there was joy in her eyes - Arisu knew what it was in the air now, that the world held its breath for fear of rejection, and though she knew the girl was happy, Lain was still hiding her smile. ---------------------- Choosing to eat at the top of the tower, the expensive, touristy spot, didn't strike her as extremely stupid until they had arrived and been seated. Only then, staring out over the city, did Arisu realize that it was probably no big deal for Lain to be here. Maybe she didn't even need a building, to see the city from this height. Maybe she didn't even need to see the city, to see the city. //Now what's that supposed to mean?// "Are you happy, Arisu?" The question was measured, and gentle. Lain would not look at her. "You're alone. Are you happy being alone?" "No, not really." Arisu made sure her reply was just as gentle, though it wasn't hard to keep it light. The emptiness she'd felt, the connection, she couldn't even explain it enough to know what it was she was missing. //Until now, ne?// "I want you to be happy. I can... I can give you whatever you want." Of course, this is where it could all turn bad, where she could start screaming questions, angrily asking Lain what she meant, how the girl could possibly know these things, who knew what else. She could almost see the frightened tantrum play itself out in the air, the thick feeling of dread seeming to make every molecule, the entire restaurant, tremble. Arisu sighed, no - no, that outburst was not what she wanted and this hesitation, Lain's holding back was starting to give her a headache anyway. //I've grown up.// "Lain, tell me who you are. Tell me what you know. If I want anything, it's that. I forgot about you, I feel like I've forgotten about so many things." Arisu nearly laughed, listening to herself, it almost sounded like a normal conversation. The girl's wide, liquid eyes were heartbreaking, a hesitant shyness that cut Arisu to the quick. Now she knew the reason she had become Lain's friend, without a doubt - and she felt her hands gripping the sides of her chair, realized that now she was a bit worried. What could possibly make her run from someone that she realized now, she had cared for at first glance? ------------------------ Lain swallowed hard past a lump that wouldn't go away, the lines of nervous stress in Arisu's body all too visible. //You can fix this, if she doesn't...// /I don't want to./ She didn't want to reset this. Not again. Even if she could make things go back to the way they had been, to /any/ way, she didn't want to live through it again. /I don't want to lose her again./ She had thought it was just different, not really losing but changing, but Lain knew now that she had been wrong. Mere seconds with Arisu, just walking in silence, reminded her how wrong she was. "I thought I could just watch. I thought it would be enough, that it would all work, but it wasn't enough... and when I saw you, and when you were thinking about me..." "Lain. Show me. Please." So she did. Lain heard the gasp but refused to look up, to see what expression might be on her friend's - //more than a friend// - face, afraid and guilty and much too hopeful, all at once. She knew what she had given Arisu, the memories playing back like a movie as she closed her eyes and let them come, gave them to the girl, her friend, the one who meant the world. Who she was. What she was, and what Arisu had stumbled into then, how it had all been too big and too loud and too much to take in, terrifying and dangerous. How Lain had been part of the monster, wire metal and plastic and an unseen, unknown /frightening/ world that she just /couldn't/, just couldn't - //I am a God, Arisu. The God of the Wired, and it was enough then. Just learning what I was, I thought I shouldn't interfere anymore. I understood what I could do, and what I had to do. You were afraid and so I thought...// Resetting the world. Taking herself out of it, and for a long time it had solved the problem. No one had to be in pain, no one had to be afraid, especially not Arisu, the one who mattered most. It wasn't fair to do, she knew it, but Lain felt her feelings bleeding through, coloring the memories with her own sorrows and she couldn't stop herself. //I was lonely. I was lonely, and I... love you. I thought it would be enough to be near you, and to make sure you were happy, even if you didn't see me and never knew, but it wasn't. After so long, it wasn't, and when I saw that you weren't happy, I thought... I'm sorry you have to, that I can't..." Being God should have automatically made a person eloquent, Lain thought, it made everything seem much more convincing. "I love you, Arisu. I'm sorry." No answer. No words or sounds and she didn't dare try to reach out the way she could, to know instantly what Arisu was feeling, barely dared to open her eyes, though it was so hard to look up, so hard when all she wanted to do was listen to Arisu breathing, listen and pretend it would last forever. It /was/ different than just watching, and she missed it, how she missed - Lain did look up, finally, when Arisu's hand closed over her own. She saw the tears first, just a little shine against the girl's pale cheeks, spilling down in perfect drops, and she felt her heart constrict, crushed down marble hard and tight, and she didn't want to be a god anymore, not if this was all it could mean - but then Arisu squeezed her hand and she blinked and she saw the smile, the tears that were tears of joy. Arisu smiling. The waiter stepped up to take their lunch order. The world reset itself.
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