Duvet of the Wired
[This fanfic takes place long after the end of 'Serial Experiments
Lain.' As much as I love the series, I only got around to seeing it
three times, with long periods of time in between to reflect on it.
Let's face it, it's a confusing story that no matter how hard you try to
figure it out, there's always something else that you hadn't noticed or
thought of before. It makes 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' easier to
comprehend.
It was only when I had a friend borrow my 'Lain' DVD set that the
idea of Lain having a split personality disorder ever came up. If you
had already figured that out the first or second time you watched it,
then obviously you're a better thinker than I am. I always thought the
different Lains were something else, like Lain of the Wired was an
expression of who Lain is online that she can barely express in the real
world, like how people who don't act smart but sound smart when they're
writing their thoughts on paper or online (I hope I'm explaining this
interpretation understandably enough, because otherwise I'm not getting
further into it). With this new thought in mind, I am not entirely sure
about the true relation between the two split personalities of Lain; the
main character we have been following and the snobby biotch that served
as her outgoing personality. There is also the creepy 'peeping tom'
Lain, but since I don't know if that's a different Lain altogether or
where she fits in, I decided to not bother writing her into this fanfic.
I also have left out Lain's father-of-the-Wired, since I still don't
totally understand that part. Considering all that, this story may not
be a perfect fit with the context of the original series, but it is
meant to be a story unto itself, and I hope you enjoy it regardless]
The familiar cacophony of cars, people, and light pollution
commingle in the atmosphere of the city. There is a specific region
where a bridge is built as an overpass above the main street. Leaning
against the side of this bridge, looking out, is a little girl dressed
in a red coat and brown shorts with stockings, with the consistent
expression of curiosity and kindness. She is the only one who knows her
name, and she cares to remember it only as a source for
self-identification in her continuing existence. Her name is Lain.
For the longest time, Lain has been watching Alice on the street
from atop this bridge. Lain has always watched her at home and at work,
not to invade Alice's privacy but to make sure that Alice is happy with
her life. Watching her walk up and down the street like another
pedestrian is Lain's favorite moment for observation, because it says a
lot of how Alice feels from the day's activities. It makes Lain wonder
what she is thinking about, although she has no intention of directly
reading Alice's mind. It would truly be violating Alice without her
permission, and although she would never know about it, Lain still feels
it would betray her.
Lain and Alice were high school students from the same class, and
Alice was the only friend that consistently socialized with Lain and
tried to get her to enjoy life. When Lain had told Alice she loved her,
she meant it. Alice was the only soul above all others that Lain felt
she could unite herself with rather than just merely 'connect' like she
was with all the other planet's souls, and that was the true reason why
Lain did not initially erase Alice's memories like she did everyone
else. Lain idealized that as long as she and Alice knew each other
alone, they would have a world together just for the two of them. But
Alice misinterpreted Lain's intentions and reacted with fear and, what
Lain had felt at the time, disgust at the notion of them being in
'love.' Masami's appearance made everything plummet from there, and
since then Lain decided the best thing was for her to not exist at all.
Lain was willing to start existence, or reality, whatever you call it,
all over again so that she would not exist to hurt the one that means
the most to her. Lain will never forget how she nearly traumatized Alice
for life for what she put her through.
Lain thought she would be strong enough to handle it, but she was
wrong. Even after wiping herself from Alice's memory, even after Alice
had found a boyfriend and eventually married him, Lain still loved her.
When she could not take it anymore, Lain reduced her size down to that
of a young child, figuring it would be easier that way in coping with
not having Alice in her life anymore. A child is naïve in mind and soul,
and is not advanced enough to comprehend the pains that a teenager, let
alone an adult, experiences. Although having the body of a child has
worked for her for some time, the scars of Lain's isolation and
unrequited love still remain impressed on her being, proving that there
is a self down to her essential level that remains unchanged and defines
her as the individual, 'Lain.'
She had reunited with Alice once in her child form. Alice seemed
to have noticed something familiar in Lain, but Lain did not let it get
too far and just acted like a child paying respects to a stranger. They
never met face to face ever again, but it did not stop Lain from
continuing to observe Alice and act as her guardian angel. She does not
fill the said role efficiently since she cautions herself from coming in
direct contact with Alice again, lest whatever influence from Lain makes
everything worse for Alice.
So far, Lain has done nothing but watch and check up on Alice from
afar, not having done much else with herself. She has often visited her
'bedroom' on the Wired and read mountains of books, mostly literary
classics, literally immersing herself within the worlds written on the
pages so to go on virtual adventures. In her realm of time and space, it
is never enough to preoccupy her for too long, especially not to keep
her mind off of Alice.
Watching Alice has been Lain's only source of real comfort, but
even that has changed lately. On a couple of accidental occasions, Lain
had witnessed the growing fights between Alice and her husband. During
her walks to and from work or home, Lain could read the casual distant
look implanted on her face, and the subtle impatience she shared to any
pedestrians that walked too close or bumped into her. Lain had no idea
of what the problem could be, because she had been a child for most of
the time and could not be able to pick anything up like she used to when
she wore an older body.
On this particular day, Alice's apparent slow gait and expression
of even deeper pondering has gotten to Lain. Lain wants to discern what
it could be, but to do that she cannot be a child. She has to change her
form back to that of a young teenager. No, Alice is an adult now, so
Lain must change into an adult. She never experienced maturing into
adulthood, so she would still have more the heart of a teenager, but to
have an adult's body would make Lain feel closer to Alice. She realizes
it means fully regaining her past dreaded feelings, but she will have to
bear with it for at least a moment; for Alice.
With a literal blink of her eyes, Lain changes her childish form
to that of herself as a young adult in a snapshot. She retains the same
general appearance and clothing, but she feels a little off-balance now
that she is standing higher up above the ground. She figures to take it
slowly, and places her hands on the bridge banister to steady herself.
As expected, her feelings of hurt and pain return with force, but
she fights against it. Lain looks down at Alice as she walks toward
underneath the bridge Lain stands upon. Alice is faintly unhappy; that
much is clear. Looking closer at Alice's face, Lain can discern the
inkling of having lost something, or not finding what she wants with
what she already has. It gives Lain's mind the concept of a void
representing something one lost touch with long ago.
An idea hits Lain. Is Alice thinking about her? Does she still
remember her? When Lain had reunited with Alice as a child, even then
Alice displayed a sense of nostalgic déjà vu with her. Lain was not so
surprised then; although Alice had forgotten her, the impression of Lain
still remained on her. But Lain never expected to see Alice like she is
now on this level, constantly thinking about what might be her.
There can only be one way to find out, and that is to talk to
Alice herself again. But Lain is afraid of doing so after all this time.
She does not want to help Alice regain her memories only to possibly
traumatize her once again, or even to scare her by displaying her
feelings regardless that they are the same sex. She does not want Alice
to hate her again either way.
Instead, Lain runs over to the other side of the bridge and leans
against it. She hopelessly watches Alice walk through underneath the
bridge, up the street, and slowly out of sight.
Then a haunting but beautiful song plays in Lain's ears from
nowhere.
And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
I am falling, I am fading,
I have lost it all
And you don't seem the lying kind
A shame that I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there
Candle-lit smile that we both share
And you know I don't mean to hurt you
But you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning,
Help me to breathe
I am hurting, I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe
It takes a while for Lain to realize that the song is coming from
another person standing next to her. She turns to find what appears like
a mirror reflection of her adult self, looking out from atop the bridge
at the fading image of Alice. She is dressed in almost the same clothing
as Lain herself, except that Lain is wearing a red jacket while her
'reflection' is wearing a navy jacket. There is something familiar in
the smile and toned expression of the 'reflection,' and it takes Lain a
moment longer to realize that standing next to her is her other self.
It is Lain of the Wired, the one that had taken over her body and
caused problems for her when Lain of the Real World, herself, connected
with the Wired. Seeing Lain of the Wired once again already suggests
that her personality has not changed, that she still retains the
snobbishness inherent within. While Lain was someone who kept to herself
out of respect to the people around her, Lain of the Wired showed no
hesitation in expressing her fun and pride even at others' expense when
she was allowed access to controlling Lain's body. When other people
interfered on her fun, Lain of the Wired would react to them like
parasites, feeling that the world literally centered around her.
Lain regards the presence of Lain of the Wired with caution, but
respect all the same. There is no immediate sign of a threat from her,
but Lain does not want to take chances.
To her surprise, Lain of the Wired turns to look at her with a
respectable gaze, and some subtle warmth. She is apparently expecting a
more welcoming air between the two of them. Lain of the Wired then
speaks, "That was 'Duvet' by Boa. I always loved that song. It reminds
me of you, therefore I dedicate my performance of it to you."
Lain stares in mild confusion. She did not expect something from
their reunion here, but she did not imagine it being like this. Not
knowing how else to reply, Lain just gives a respectful nod. "You did
sing it rather beautifully."
Lain of the Wired smiles, with that distinct look in her eyes that
suggests calculating waylay. "Thank you, but remember. In a way I am
you, which means you could sing the same way if you tried. But enough of
that for now. What I'd like to say is; Hello, Lain, long time no see."
"Hello." Many thoughts occur to Lain at once, and she figures that
she better get down to business so they do not lead each other on. "What
are you doing here? I thought I had cancelled you out long ago."
"You did," Lain of the Wired said, "However, you cancelled
yourself out of everyone's memory and yet you still managed to thrive in
a plane of existence parallel to that of the real world. I have managed
to return."
"How?"
"It's because you called for me. It wasn't conscious on your part,
but it was still inbuilt, and it was enough to draw me back to you. When
you changed into an adult, your aura of loneliness sent an
all-encompassing message for someone to be by your side, and I have come
to answer, because there is nobody else."
Lain wants to change back to child-form again, but something
prevents her from doing so. It could be because of the overwhelming
dread that she is not able to concentrate her will at the moment. Or it
could be because her more mature curiosity has fully ensnared her in the
moment. Or maybe Lain of the Wired is somehow stopping her against her
will.
Her conflicted thinking begins making her tear up. Embarrassed by
it, she says, "Please go away, I don't want to see you."
Lain of the Wired looks at the image of Alice, still visible from
the distance as it fades. "It's painful watching your true love from
afar but not allowing yourself to relate to her, isn't it? Why don't you
just restart existence again, replace yourself in it, and simply not
follow the same mistakes that you made before?"
"After all this time, don't you think I thought of that already?!"
Lain snapped. She then pauses and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry. The
thing is that I can't, I just don't have that power anymore. When Masami
was God, he was powerful because he had someone believing in him; me.
When his existence became senseless to me, that's what destroyed him. I
had the power to restart time and space because I was endowed with the
power, and there were people who acknowledged my existence that
justified that power. Now nobody remembers me, and I don't have that
power anymore. I can still cross plane boundaries, change my appearance
or make myself invisible to everyone at will, but nothing more than
that."
"And yet you still want to be next to Alice, and experience love
with her."
Lain really wants Lain of the Wired to go away, but like she does
not have the power to turn back time anymore, then neither does she have
the power to cancel out her other self again. This sudden truth makes
Lain's eyes threaten to burst with tears, but they never come out. She
feels tortured from everything, and especially from Lain of the Wired
expressing subtle sympathy to her. "What's it to you anyway? Why are you
acting like you care?"
"I'm not acting anything. I feel genuine compassion for you," Lain
of the Wired said with casualness, nearing closer to Lain, "And that's
exactly why I'm here. Lain, you must put Alice out of your mind so that
you can move on. There are other options in life, and I'm here as one of
them."
Lain expresses puzzlement at what Lain of the Wired is saying,
almost unaware of her other self's closer physical proximity.
Lain of the Wired grasps Lain's arms. "I am here to be with you,
Lain. I offer myself for the taking as your new source for experiencing
spiritual and physical affection. I am here to love you, and hopefully
have that love returned."
Lain backs away in mixed fear, uncertainty, and subtle anger. Her
angry side wins. "How dare you come talk to me about this, and toying
with my feelings! You took over my body and my life many times without
my permission! You were my enemy!"
The air of Lain of the Wired remains calm, hinting the inner
arrogance that Lain had known before. Lain of the Wired then says, "Yes,
I admit we were kind of antagonists. But you must understand, Lain, I
was *used* by Masami. We were *both* used by him in his ambition to
change the world. Although I may never have seemed that way to you, I
felt just as victimized by it all as you were. But it's all past, Lain,
those conflicts have long been over and resolved with, one way or
another. I'm now here offering myself to you as a significant other, and
I truly mean it. Maybe I don't come across that way because I have a
look and mannerism that's scary to you, but that's my own personal
character. I can't help it anymore than you can help being kind to the
people you feel close to. I would like us to be together. If you give me
a chance, I can make you happy."
Lain dwells on the words of her other self. Everything she said
about them being used victims rings true in her ears. There is something
different about Lain of the Wired as she tries to explain herself, but
it is still too soon for Lain to believe her when she says she genuinely
loves her.
Lain of the Wired gives a calm smile while reaching her arm to
grasp Lain's shoulder. Then she leans in next to Lain's ear, and
whispers, "I know you're scared. I know you still love Alice, but you
must forget her. With the way you are now, there is no way you can
reunite with her and make her remember you without hurting her again.
She won't be able to love you the same way you love her. Only I can love
you, offer you my soul and my body. Please accept me."
Lain can still pick up the sense of high pride in Lain of the
Wired, but Lain can also sense that she means no wrong to her whatsoever
in this moment. Lain realizes that she had been studying her other self
from a conservative perspective that prevented her from seeing her in a
more positive light. This turning around of thinking and continually
looking at Lain of the Wired is making Lain feel weak in the knees. She
turns away from her and looks down at the ground, to make standing up
much easier. "I really don't know, Lain of the Wired."
Lain of the Wired comes up and hugs her from behind. It is
unexpected for Lain, but she does not resist against it, since she does
not feel intentional harm from the contact. Lain of the Wired then rests
her chin on Lain's shoulder. She then kisses up the side of Lain's neck
while feeling her hands around the flat of Lain's belly. Sensational
electric signals transcend through Lain's being at the physical contact,
the kind of which she thought she would never experience.
"Let me in, Lain," Lain of the Wired said in Lain's ear, "Please
take me. Please."
Lain finally knows that Lain of the Wired is not toying with her
emotions. She is being sincere in offering herself. It is true she still
gives off a somewhat intimidating aura, but that is what defines her as
her own individual apart from Lain. It is what makes Lain realize that
they are two different people. Lain pivots her body around until she is
face to face with Lain of the Wired, and embraces her back.
"Yes. I accept you."
Lain of the Wired then guides Lain's face to hers with her
fingertips and locks lips with her. This becomes an entirely new
sensation for what feels like an hour. It is one that Lain also never
gave any thought of experiencing, and now she wonders why that was so.
After it finishes, they then just stand there on the bridge in their
embrace.
Lain of the Wired says, "Thank you, Lain. I was afraid you
wouldn't accept me. I had been lonely since our last encounter." Before
Lain can say anything to that, Lain of the Wired says, "But I forgive
you, the same that you have forgiven me now, and we can be one in due
time."
"Thank you, Lain of the Wired," Lain said, and then pauses. "What
do I call you?"
"You can just call me your Other Self, because I am you, but you
are the original Lain, so therefore I will call you Lain."
"Okay." A long moment of silence is shared, before Lain says,
almost chuckling, "I have managed to perform deeds that defied space and
time, and yet I have no idea of how to take this from here."
Lain of the Wires smiles. "I'd like it if we had a proper
relationship, instead of going straight to the point if you know what I
mean. By a proper relationship, I mean let's go on a date together."
"A date?" Lain ponders on it for a moment. "I never really looked
into how a date works, except that it involves a couple going to
dinner."
"Have you ever watched Anime at all? A date is where a couple
would spend the entire day just hanging out walking around shopping
squares and such. I know just the places to go too, so how does that
sound?"
"Would we be traveling in the Wired, or are we talking about..."
"The real world, of course. Hasn't it been a long time since you
were a part of this world, Lain? It has for me, and I don't know about
you but I've missed it. If we go together, we'll both remember how
exciting it was to be mortal humans."
"Well, we might also remember the pains our humanities had brought
us."
"If you keep your mind in a negative state, then you're not going
to be able to move forward into anything at all. It'll be scary, you may
feel a little awkward, but I'll be there to support you the whole way. I
guarantee you'll adjust in no time."
Lain still looks uncertain, so Lain of the Wires places her hands
on Lain's shoulders and says, "Please promise me that you'll never
change back to your child-form ever again." Lain tries responding, but
she continues, saying, "You were indeed a cute kid, but you're beautiful
the way you are now. I want us to face the world together, Lain, as
mature people this time around. No matter what unfavorable surprise or
pain you may feel, never revert back to a child. It shows that you're
not willing to take a little roughing in order to grow up and survive.
Let's not be like that. Concentrate with me, and we can both become
adults, not just in bodies but in spirits as well." Lain of the Wired
steps back and offers her hand. "Can we do it?"
Lain looks at the hand, then at Lain of the Wired, who smiles in a
fashion that suggests maturity higher than that of Lain's. Lain then
manages to smile back, gives a nod, and takes her hand.
"That's my girl," Lain of the Wired said.
Lain and Lain of the Wired then walk hand-in-hand down from the
bridge and toward the local shopping square.
"So what are the places that you want us to go?" Lain asked.
"First off we're going to visit this fashion clothing store I've
looked up on, so we can finally ditch these Plain-Jane outfits of ours.
You're beautiful, Lain. I know that, and it's no secret. You need to
wear something to clarify your beauty, as well as mine. We need to wear
something that symbolizes our newfound outgoing spirits."
Lain is a little anxious at the idea. But the appearance of her
other self in her life again has brought about an entire new chapter she
never expected. With the way things are proceeding now, she figures she
will flow along with it and see how it goes. "Okay."
"Great! Follow me."
After two hours of rooting through ABe Clothing Home, Lain and
Lain of the Wired come out donned with new attire. Lain felt diffident
at many of the suggestions and options that Lain of the Wired proffered.
She obviously wanted Lain to come off as more risqué than she was really
willing. In the end, Lain settles for blue jeans, a white tank top, and
many bands decorating her wrists and belt. Lain of the Wired settles for
low baggy army pants that reach just below her knees, while also
decorated with some of the same bands that Lain is wearing along with a
choker around her neck. Her most illuminating apparel is her
loose-fitting black half-tank top, giving the world a decent view of her
belly. Lain takes a gander at the appearance of Lain of the Wired, and
cannot help but feel aroused by her astonishing sexiness.
"You look great, Lain," Lain of the Wired said. She then places
her hands on her bare hips, while conveniently leaning to one side,
virtually posing her abs to Lain. "Do you have anything to say to me?"
"You're very beautiful," Lain said.
"Well thank you. There's another place I'd like us to go, but is
there anyplace you had in mind?"
"Not really...although a walk through the streets would be nice.
We could go hand-in-hand if you want..."
"So you'd like us to display our closeness to the public already?"
"Well, no, that's not what I..."
"I'm kidding, Lain! Now that I'm here, now that we're both back
here in this world, you should learn to lighten up."
Lain laughs a little. "Sure."
"Let's go for that walk first then."
Lain and Lain of the Wired then stroll through the city that was
once their original home, hand-in-hand. They look at the various sights
that they have not appreciated before without saying much, including the
local cherry blossom park. The surrounding pedestrians give some curious
glances, but none give any stares that Lain half-expected. She is
feeling self-conscious from it all, but then she realizes she must not
let it get the best of her. With Lain of the Wired by her side, so close
to her the way she is, Lain feels very safe doing anything in this
world.
After spending a whole afternoon into the evening on their walk,
Lain of the Wired has them come to a stop. She looks to the side and
says, "Here's the place I recommend."
Lain looks in the same direction and discerns a familiar building
with the huge sign 'Cyberia' in front. No dread returns to Lain, but she
feels uncomfortable all the same.
"You up for it?" Lain of the Wired asked.
"I don't know."
"Why's that? I thought you liked this place too."
"I *used* to like it, yes, but that was a long time ago. It was
before I found out it was one of the many sources of my troubles."
"You're hesitant in going in there because you think it would be
connected to and bring back painful memories?"
Lain nods.
Lain of the Wired offers a smile. "It's like you said, it was a
long time ago. Think of it this way. Many people thought their high
school years sucked, and would do anything to avoid their old campus.
But when they revisit it, they are struck by a weird sense of nostalgia.
They realize that what took place there is really distant due to where
they're at now. If you come in with me, Lain, I promise I'll give you
the time of your life. You won't be able to think of all the negative
aspects of Cyberia. I've always known you to be brave."
Lain is silent for the moment. "I was brave because I was intent
on looking for something, or I had something to hold onto." She looks up
at Lain of the Wired, cupping her cheek with her hand. "With you by me,
I believe you."
"That's the spirit, girl!" Lain of the Wired said, patting Lain
hard on the back.
Walking into Cyberia does bring back some of the unfavorable,
painful memories to Lain. But this pain, in a strange way, lets her know
that she is alive, and she has a life to experience. She also notices
the many clubbers dancing around her, having their own personal fun in
this place that was meant for such an occasion.
Lain and Lain of the Wired order drinks at the bar, but Lain of
the Wired barely downs a quarter of her glass before she, rather
impatiently, heads onto the dance floor. Lain watches her other self
move to the techno-rhythm, observing how carefree she is dressed in her
apparel. She blends in easily with the other dancers who are clad almost
similarly, so she does not provide much of a distraction to anyone else.
Lain then wonders how she would dance, not remembering having ever tried
it before. She hesitates from doing so now because she does not feel
like someone who would up and jump at the deep end, with everything
being so new to her at this point.
"Is that your sister dancing over there?" a young-sounding male
voice asked.
Lain turns to see a rather short, unfamiliar man with a bald head
donned by a fake Mohawk. He gives off the impression of someone who's
friendly and willing to mess around with people.
"No, not really," Lain said.
"Seriously? She looks a lot like you, it's scary." He turns to
face Lain. "I don't remember seeing you before. On the other hand, I'm
new here myself. I'm still breaking in after getting a job here."
"Really?" Although Lain had never before met this man, she feels
like she could socialize with him in a friendly manner
"My friends call me GA, by the way."
"GA, huh? I never heard that kind of name before."
"GA is a play on JJ, the guy who used to work here."
"Oh yeah, I knew him once."
"You did? What a small world."
"My name's Lain."
GA reaches his hand over, which Lain shakes. Before either can say
anything else, a voice cuts in, blurting, "*What* do you think you're
*doing*?"
Lain turns to see Lain of the Wired standing firm with hands on
hips, her eyes looking daggers straight at GA.
A little startled, GA said, "I was saying hello—"
"So you could invite her to your place, right? Get real, because
she belongs to me!"
GA's eyes frown in confusion, then widen as he does a take back
and forth between Lain and Lain of the Wired, apparently getting the
gist of what she is saying. "Oh," he manages to say.
"Feeling aroused? Too bad, because I don't appreciate you getting
up on our..."
"Stop!" Lain said.
Lain of the Wired looks at Lain, apparently taken aback by her
sudden demand.
Lain stops and makes herself calm before saying, "We were just
introducing ourselves, honey, we were just saying hello. GA is a nice
man, really."
Lain of the Wired continues peering at Lain, before turning back
to GA, her remnant scowl still apparent. "I apologize for jumping the
gun on you. But I would trust you more if you weren't so 'nice' with her
behind my back."
"Hey, no problem," GA said, assuring, "I didn't mean any harm. Are
you two going to come back at all after tonight?"
"Maybe we will," Lain of the Wired said, almost distant.
"I would love to," Lain said, grasping the hand of her other self.
"Okay, well, I'll see you around the next time you come. I got
work to do now, so I need to go anyway. Sorry for the trouble."
"You weren't any trouble at all," Lain said, who then feels the
grip of Lain of the Wired tighten. As soon as GA leaves, Lain turns to
her other self. "Nothing happened, honey. Nothing was going on between
us."
Lain of the Wired sighs, looks at her from the corner of her eye,
and smiles a little. "I couldn't really tell from where I saw you, the
way you were smiling as you conversed with this guy, and touching his
hand. This is your first day out in the real world, and you're already
getting along with a total stranger. I feel like if I don't keep my
grasp on you you'll slip away from me."
Lain takes a hold of the arms of Lain of the Wired. "I promised
you I would be with you. I wouldn't betray you like that. I give you my
word. The next time we come, please be nice to GA. He could be a new
friend for us."
"I'll try, but I'd like it a lot better if it was just the two of
us for each other." The expression of Lain of the Wired remains
unchanged, but a tear is seen streaking down her one eye.
"What's the matter?" Lain asked, amazed by the sight.
"You called me 'honey,'" Lain of the Wired said, smiling, "It made
me very happy."
Lain nods in mild surprise, smiling back. After a while of
silence, she asks, "Did you have fun on the dance floor?"
"Did I ever! I haven't done that like in ages! Come on, Lain, when
are you going to come join me?"
"Maybe a little later?"
Lain of the Wired smiles. "It's okay. We're going to be together
for a long time. We might as well take our baby steps. But next time we
come, namely tomorrow, I expect you to be by my side on the floor."
"Sure."
Later that night, Lain and Lain of the Wired decide to finally
turn in. As they exit Cyberia, Lain of the Wired asks, "So, where do you
sleep?"
"I don't 'sleep' per se, and haven't done so in a long time," Lain
said.
"Obviously it's time we started the habit again."
"Well, I do have a retreat within the Wired that I designed after
my original bedroom."
"Let's go there, then."
With the blink of Lain's eyes, they come across a door in between
planes of the real world and the Wired. They enter Lain's room, the bed
in plain sight, and then Lain looks at Lain of the Wired. Although
Lain's eyes were off of her for only a moment, Lain of the Wired is
mystically stripped of all her clothing except for a pastel undershirt
and panties.
Lain of the Wired smiles her devious smile, although with a more
friendly aura. "You know what I'm thinking about, Lain."
Lain looks away, her face flushed, a loss for words at the moment.
"Remember, baby steps, right?"
"Oh come *on*, do we have to take baby steps for *everything*? Oh
fine, just as long as I get to kiss you goodnight and hold you." Warmth
envelops Lain. Sensing this, Lain of the Wired says, "Believe me, Lain,
it makes sleeping more luxurious."
Lain looks down at herself. Whether it was by her will or by that
of her other self, she also is wearing nothing more than a kinky
undershirt and panties. Paying no further mind to it, they hold and kiss
each other for a long moment, then they crawl onto the bed in unison.
They align in a spooning position, with Lain of the Wired in the back
and Lain in the front. Just like Lain of the Wired said, their embrace
in bed is making her feel more tender and wholesome. She never imagined
sharing this with her other self. She did dream of the possibility of
sharing it with...
Lain immediately pushes the thought from her mind. She had too
much fun tonight, she wants to continue having fun, and she is tired
right now. With Lain of the Wired breathing softly upon her neck, Lain
slowly succumbs to sleep for the first time in what feels like ages.
Upon the second night of visiting Cyberia, Lain tries herself out
on the dance floor along with Lain of the Wired. It is initially slow
for her, but due to the coaxing demands of her other self, Lain gets
filled with adrenaline and eventually just goes crazy along with her.
Lain never feels as alive as she had before right then.
Lain and Lain of the Wired continue dating in the days that
follow. Instead of visiting the same city that Lain had always known,
they are able to visit various random locations all over planet Earth
through portals provided by the Wired, seeing the sights of Africa, the
USA, China and the like. Lain is perplexed that she had not thought of
doing this before when she was alone to occupy her time. On the other
hand, her trips in catching the many sights the real world has to offer
with another person makes it all the more fun for her. They would mostly
visit cities, because Lain had always felt comfortable being surrounded
by tall shelter structures that extended toward the heavens, rather than
the open countryside of environments where she feels more exposed to all
of existence. Although Lain never asks, she can sense that her other
self feels the same way.
One of the two things that remain constant on their outgoing
ventures is their clothing. Somehow it just feels right to Lain to wear
what she does, and she does not bother imagining otherwise. Lain of the
Wired voices that Lain should be more daring and tries coaxing her to
acquire a half-tank top like her. After a while, Lain resolves to wear a
shorter top that shows up to her navel, which suffices them both.
The other regular thing, the one place that they always return to
every night, is Cyberia. There are several thousands of dance clubs to
sample in the world, but Cyberia is the one place that makes them feel
at home in this global world that they have been exploring. If they were
to consider all options in the expansion of existence, they would feel
lost as to where to go. To visit Cyberia alone makes them feel more
grounded in place so that they do not stray so far in their ventures.
Due to their frequent visits to Cyberia, they gradually become
well known by the other clubbers. The intimate dancing of Lain and Lain
of the Wired would grab the attention of the surrounding dancers, the
men especially. It is because of their frequent clubbing that Cyberia is
gradually becoming more and more popular. The club has started
establishing lines for people to wait in outside for as long as an hour.
If anything, the presence of the two halves of Lain makes the dance club
more exhilarating for the surrounding clubbers. Lain and Lain of the
Wired got to acquaint with most of the other clubbers, and hear
interesting stories they have to say about their lives.
Many of the clubbers offer to dance with them. Some are ladies,
which Lain of the Wired readily accepts, and Lain follows suit. Any men
that offer to dance with Lain of the Wired and do not back down from her
initial rejection would receive fits from her and threats to get lost.
Lain tries to soothe her, and much to her surprise Lain of the Wired
yields and even apologizes to the male clubbers. Lain knows that if she
was not there by her side, it would have been a different story.
One night, Lain and Lain of the Wired stand atop a mountain
plateau outside of the city, simply looking at the stars.
Lain says, "I don't understand why you can't be more flexible with
the men at Cyberia. We've always been cutting loose and having fun for
the heck of it without any harm done."
"I know, but what we've been doing is different for me. I just
can't be intimate with a guy; I get nauseated with him after a while.
They just don't give off the same vibe that another woman does. A Woman
is softer, and far cozier than a man could be." Saying that, Lain of the
Wired snuggles her head against the hair of Lain's, who sighs at the
contact. She continues, "I'm surprised that you can warm up to them so
easily when I can't. On the other hand, didn't you date a guy before?"
"That was so I could get information out of him. He left off
rather rudely by 'kissing' gum into my mouth."
"That's men for you."
"But women can be just as tricky too."
"Yeah, well, whatever."
A moment of silence, and then Lain chuckles.
"What's so funny?" Lain of the Wired asked.
"Don't you remember the lyrics from 'Duvet'? *And you don't seem
to understand, a shame you seemed to be an honest man*. You say that
song reminds you of me, and yet it's singed in a way like it's a woman
dedicating it to a man!"
Lain of the Wired rolls her eyes. "Songs are like poems; they can
be interpreted any which way. I feel that that's the way you and I are
in a lot of aspects, especially our histories. Besides, ignoring that
one detail in the song about a 'man', whatever this 'man' stands for, it
still reminds me of you. That one word means nothing to me. Besides, I
didn't write that song, Boa did."
"Whatever happened to that band anyway?" Lain asked, "They're so
good."
Lain of the Wired smiles. "I agree, but I don't know, to be
honest. Anyway, speaking of music, Cyberia is getting kind of boring
lately."
Lain looks at her in astonishment. "You're saying you want to
sample other clubs?"
Lain of the Wired laughs. "No, that's not what I meant. Cyberia's
in need of new techno-tunes. Whoever the DJ is, he or she isn't coming
out with much new material. Hey, I got an idea! We don't have a job at
all here in the real world! Why don't we apply as DJs at Cyberia?"
Lain gives a blank stare.
"We have been through the Wired. We have gained knowledge from
every nook and cranny of connected forms in existence. We know almost
everything there is about sound-suffusion and how music can trigger the
bodily senses. By putting our heads together, I believe you and I could
construct something new all the time, music that people will hardly ever
expect or imagine. What's more, I think it'll give them a blast! So what
do you say?"
"Wow," Lain said, "I never thought of something like this." She
turns away, looking at the stars. She smiles, looks at Lain of the
Wired, and says, "I think we can do it, so yes!"
"Great!" Lain of the Wired then offers her hand, saying, "May I
have this dance?"
Lain takes her hand, and they waltz together atop the moonlit
plateau.
Lain of the Wired sings, "And you don't seem to understand, a
shame you seemed an honest man..."
Lain chimes in, "And all the fears you hold so dear, will turn to
whisper in your ear..."
"That's it, Lain!" Lain of the Wired said, before taking her turn
in the verse.
Their mutual chorus carries their dance on throughout the night.
The next evening, Lain and Lain of the Wired arrive at Cyberia,
greeted by the usual kind welcomes from almost everyone. Lain sees GA,
walks up to him, and says, "Hey, GA, what's up? I was wondering if you
could tell us who the main DJ is here."
"You're looking at him," GA said, "I took over from JJ
specifically."
Lain is fairly surprised by this. She looks to Lain of the Wired,
who is even more baffled.
"What can I do for you?" GA asked.
Before Lain can speak, Lain of the Wired says, "First of all, I'm
sorry for the attitude I shared with you. I was jumping to conclusions
that night, and I just..."
"You seriously love and care for her, I understand," GA said, "No
hard feelings."
"Good," Lain of the Wired said. She looks to Lain.
Lain takes her queue. "We would like to apply as DJs here. If you
give us a chance, I believe we'll surprise you."
Before long the jobs of being the DJs of Cyberia are theirs. For
the first time, Lain has assimilated with the real world on the level of
careering, and is contributing something to the surrounding people. The
beats that she and her other self conceive become gradual hits to the
club's attendees. Like Lain of the Wired said, they manage to produce
sounds nobody ever expected, but their bodies gradually become
accustomed to the newfound rhythms. Lain and Lain of the Wired would
often either work together or switch shifts, but they would always find
a moment to meet each other on the dance floor and move to their own
music, together, not caring of the show they are giving to the
surrounding dancers. Upon every visit to Cyberia, Lain of the Wired
would coax Lain to dance with her in more audacious, grinding fashions.
After a while GA warns them to watch themselves from going too far,
otherwise the club would go out of control. Lain of the Wired is
disappointed, but she concedes.
After a while, when Lain and Lain of the Wired turn in to their
online bedroom, Lain takes one long gaze into the eyes of her other
self, and something new clicks within her. Without awareness, their lips
meet, and they manually help each other's clothes come off instead of
just willing them off.
"Wait, wait!" Lain of the Wired said, stopping their moment, "What
about birth control?"
"Oh, right," Lain said, quickly patting the pockets in her
clothing.
It takes her a full couple seconds to realize that Lain of the
Wired was fooling around with her. Lain looks up at her other self, who
bursts into wicked giggles. Lain merely smiles, pushes Lain of the Wired
onto the bed and climbs on after her. They sprawl about comfortably and
connect the whole night.
For the longest time Lain wanted to undergo love on the human
level, but had no other Form or Being to do so with. Although she never
consciously realized it at the time, this was the same reason she took
the defense against Masami as to why people had bodies. As human beings
residing in the material realm of reality, the only way two souls can
ever really touch each other is through sex, which Lain feels is truly
heaven on earth. If she had chosen the path as a goddess and left her
body permanently, if she were to draw all other living souls to do the
same, they would have assimilated and that would have been the only kind
of 'connection'. Lain does not believe it would give the same
experience; only physical bodies can provide the sensational electric
signals that can reach the soul within.
A whole week passes as they undergo the same routine. They explore
someplace, take their shifts at Cyberia and visit the dance floor, then
they would retreat and make love, with newer techniques each night as
suggested by Lain of the Wired.
As Lain analyzes the time they spent together, she realizes that,
although she does not understand why, even with all their relishing
passion, Lain does not feel like baring her entire soul to her other
self. They always come close to spiritual contact, but Lain feels like
pulling back and just letting the physical pleasure dominate the senses
for her lover. She subconsciously figures that it must be because she
wants to save their peak at the most special moment, which could be
reserved for another night. She does not have time to think about it
when they are doing it, and when it is all over she loses her
contemplation and just relieves herself to the moment and forgets about
it. She does not consider it a real problem, for she values her time
with Lain of the Wired and puts it aside.
This night becomes different for some reason. Lain lays awake by
herself, reminiscing on her time spent with her other self.
Although Lain of the Wired was practically her enemy, it was
indeed a long time ago and it has changed into a different world by now.
Lain does not know if she is going to biologically grow older along with
her lover like a normal human being, but that is a thought for another
day. It all makes her reminisce back to the time when she was an unwary
girl whose powers had not yet been tapped or exposed, when she had gone
to high school, and interact or did not interact with everyone. She
feels like she was so young and naïve back then, long before who she is
now. There are so many possibilities of what could have happened in her
life's existence instead, and...
Alice's face flashes across Lain's mind's eye.
Lain realizes she had been keeping Alice locked in the back of her
mind all this time, like a bird one could see through the window from
the corner of one's eye and cannot ignore. Confusion and muddling
overtakes Lain's mind, conflicting her thoughts. She does not understand
why, but she suddenly feels the need to be by herself, otherwise Lain of
the Wired would sense her dilemma and ask about it. She would not know
how to explain something she barely understands herself. To isolate
herself would help her think more clearly.
She slowly creeps out of the bed, careful not to rouse Lain of the
Wired awake. With the blink of her eyes, her clothes are on. Before she
can reach the door, she hears a mumbled voice saying, "Where you going,
Lain? Surely not to the bathroom?"
"I've been thinking about stuff, and," Lain stops herself, shaking
her head. "I just feel like going out for a walk. I'll be back shortly."
"Okay, just so as long you don't cheat on me while you're out."
Lain manages a chuckle. "Don't worry about it."
Lain strolls down the walkway next to the city's cherry blossom
park. She catches the time from the huge clock that hangs off the side
of one of the city's buildings, which reads 4:00 in the morning. She had
no idea of the time she spent with Lain of the Wired, and how early it
already is into the next day that she feels the need to leave her other
self and go for a walk of reflection.
Lain does not understand why now of all times, but her thoughts
are monopolized by Alice. She remembers the one person who she had first
fallen in love with, who made her fantasize what her life could have
been like if she had spent it with a significant other. She remembers
constantly watching Alice from afar that ended just a week ago at the
arrival of Lain of the Wired; it feels like such a long time already.
She loves the touch, feel and company of Lain of the Wired, and is happy
with what she offers her. But now she cannot stop thinking about her
other object of affection. Lain realizes that Alice is the reason why
she had unconsciously restrained herself during her nights with Lain of
the Wired. Lain wants to stay with her other self, but she cannot stop
thinking of the possibility of finally seeing Alice again, if only for a
moment. She does not know what she would say; it would probably be best
if she put it aside again...
Before Lain knows it, she sees Alice sitting on one of the swings
in the small playground next to the park up ahead. Lain had not planned
to see Alice, had not prepared for the possibility, and yet there she is
in the pathway Lain was taking as she was examining her thoughts.
Lain does not know what to do. She is not one to immediately think
that this is fate, anymore than it is coincidence. Lain is all by
herself without her lover, and from what she can see, Alice is all by
herself without her husband. Lain walks closer, and notices that Alice's
expression is of that of deep thought again, as if lost in her own
pondering. There is something especially nostalgic with the idea of
talking to Alice again, almost similar to when Lain returned to Cyberia,
but Alice is still far different from that.
Lain continues walking in Alice's direction, and she soon wonders
if it is against her will or if she is acting on her impulses. As she
draws nearer, she tries searching out the bright side of the situation,
the reason justifying her coming interface with Alice. Alice was a dear
friend of Lain's who meant the world to her. Lain is not going out of
her way to rekindle a potential relationship with her; she meant it when
she said she would not betray Lain of the Wired. Instead this is an
opportunity to just socialize with Alice after all this time, and find
out once and for all how she is faring from her life.
Lain then realizes that she really does not know how to approach
Alice. It is not like Alice would easily pick up a conversation with
someone who is a total stranger to her. On the other hand, it is odd
that Alice would be out here so early in the morning all by herself.
Lain can just make herself come across as a morning jogger who just
happened to bump into Alice. That would definitely work.
Getting into the act, Lain breaks into a jog in Alice's direction,
but does not face her at first. From the corner of her eye, when she
sees Alice looking up, Lain then slows down to a walking gait before a
complete stop, a couple yards in front from where Alice sits. "Hey, good
morning to you," Lain said, improvising her character on the spot, "I
don't see too many other people outdoors the same time as me."
"Oh really?" Alice said, "I didn't realize it was that early."
"It's nice to see someone else out here at this time," Lain said,
"Do you mind a little company?"
Alice just looks at Lain with a somewhat spellbound gaze, making
Lain fear that she is coming on too strongly too soon. Then she
remembers she is wearing her tank top and blue jeans. Along with the way
she is already talking, she must come across as some kind of rebel punk
to Alice.
Lain softens her disposition and says more gently, "It's just that
I don't meet too many people out here. I like company sometimes, even
with nice-looking people I just met."
Alice gives a faint smile. "Sure. You could sit down if you wish."
Taking her queue, Lain takes her seat on the low swing next to
Alice. Both sit in silence for the moment. Lain can hardly breathe now
that she is finally talking to Alice again.
Alice does not say anything, so Lain casually says, "So, what
brings you out here so early? Do you like to exercise like I do?"
"No, not really," Alice said, distant, as if calculating what she
should say to her unofficial newfound friend, "I just have a lot on my
mind, and it helps that I just leave on my own for a while to reflect.
I'm not sure if that makes sense to you or not."
"Actually, I think I know what you mean. You have a lot going on
at home?" Lain then shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry, that was
getting too personal. It's a bad habit of mine."
"It's okay," Alice said, then asks, "Do you have someone close to
you in your life?"
Curious of the new question, Lain answers, "Yes, I do."
"Does he make you happy?"
Lain feels awkward at the presumed gendered pronoun. Not knowing
how to bend around the question, she manages to say, "Well, my lover is
really..."
"Oh, I'm sorry," Alice said, covering her mouth and laughing,
apparently getting Lain's gist, "I didn't realize. Now here *I* am
feeling awkward!"
"So that doesn't bother you?"
"I used to be freaked out by this kind of thing, when I was
younger. At my age now, I realize that love is love. When you connect
with another human being on a spiritual level, that is pure magick,
whether it's with someone of the opposite or same sex."
Lain feels some relief from hearing this. Alice had clearly
changed since when she was a teenager.
"My time with my lover is indeed magickal," Lain said, "It's
because of her I am able to live a life in this world. That's what you
have, right? A magickal love?"
Alice pauses. "Well, yes, I do. I love him...well, I don't know
how to explain. It's very complicated. Your answer might be 'no,' but
did you ever have the feeling that although you're with the person you
believe you're destined to be with, there's still a void in you?"
Lain brightens her eyes at this, already hoping where this
conversation is going. "Kind of. What sort of void?"
Alice pauses for a bit. "People who unknowingly have had a sex
operation when they were hermaphroditic babies know that something was
taken away from them even though their parents never told them the
truth, and for that reason they grow up unhappy. Well, it's just that I
felt something was taken away from me, that I had lost touch with
something that defined me from my past. I don't know what it could be.
It could be an object, an animal, it could be another person...or it
could just be a feeling in my mind, plain and simple. I don't know what
it is. I went to see a couple psychiatrists to help me out, a couple
psychics even, but none of them could provide any answers for me. I know
I lost something. I can't help but feel that whatever it is, it's always
been near me but was never in my reach. I don't know how to describe it,
but I've always had this nagging sense that this something has been
*watching* over me my whole life, but I'm never aware of what that is.
My husband was someone that I had admired since my childhood, because he
was once a teacher at my old school. I thought I had everything when we
got together, but now I'm not sure anymore. The problem is that I can't
believe I'm totally happy with the person I'm with now unless I have
regained what I lost. What I'm afraid of is, if that lost something is
another person, and it was someone I had possibly loved or had close
feelings for, what if my love that defines my happiness shifted away
from my husband and onto that other person? I would be a terrible human
being."
Lain is almost ashamed at the fact that Alice's personal distress
is uplifting her own spirits. Like Lain had concluded before, although
she had erased herself from Alice's memories, the impression of her
still remains. Even though Lain had never shown herself to Alice, Alice
had always subconsciously known that Lain had been looking after her.
That can only mean that Alice still feels a deep connection of some kind
to her; what specific kind it is is hard to discern at the moment.
Lain shakes her head to get back on track with their conversation.
"Well, you have to do what you feel or think is right. You need to take
the people around you into consideration too, but..." Lain sighs, "I
really don't know what to say that could help you."
Alice then gives Lain an inquiring peer, as if looking for
something.
"Do I have something on my face?" Lain asked.
"No, but...could you stand up for a minute?"
Lain does so, and Alice stands up in front of her, taking a couple
steps back to have a better look, her eyes peering at Lain up and down.
She finally says, "Have we met before?"
Lain tries to answer but nothing comes out. She did not expect
this so soon.
"It's just that I'm having a sense of déjà vu. I remember feeling
this before, when I talked to a cute little girl on a street bridge. You
look a lot like her, now that I think about it, except you're tall, and
very beautiful..."
Lain blushes in an instant and fidgets her hands a little.
"Oh, I'm not trying to flirt with you or anything, I just...let me
start over. You look a lot like this girl I had met. When I talked with
her, that was the first time I felt like I was reconnecting with
something. But with what, I had no idea. There was something nice about
her and I wanted to keep talking to her, but she did not want to speak
with me too much more. Ever since then, I knew I had lost something. I
wanted to see that girl again, but I never did. And yet, for some
reason, I felt that girl's presence all the time like a ghost. I felt
the same kind of presence when you came along, although I didn't mention
it earlier. I really wasn't sure if I was imagining anything at the
time. It's just...what am I saying? It's not like you're that same girl,
or that you're her older sister, that would be too much of a
convenience. I really don't know where I'm trying to go with this, so
I'm sorry, forget it."
Lain realizes this is her one chance, although doubt commingles
within her mind. She does not know how to properly explain everything in
the order that would help Alice best comprehend everything, but Lain
does not want this moment to go to waste. Deciding to blank out her mind
and just wing it, she says, "Actually, Alice, I..."
"Hey, Lain, there you are! Yoo-hoo!"
Lain turns to find Lain of the Wired running up to her and hugging
her tight from the side.
"Where have you been, honey?" Lain of the Wired said, moving her
arms down around Lain's body, pecking her cheek and nudging the tops of
their heads together, "You were gone for too long, you were making me
worried."
Alice gazes in astonishment at the sight of the two of them. "Oh,
hello there. Who might you be?"
"Everyone calls me Wired," Lain of the Wired said.
"Oh," Alice said, obviously confused by the new girl's weird name,
"Are you twin sisters?"
"You could say that," Lain of the Wired said.
She places her one hand below Lain's top and then moves it up,
revealing more of Lain's belly above her navel. Lain shivers a little at
the physical contact. Although she had her mind set on what she wanted
to do with Alice, she cannot stop herself from being overwhelmed by the
senses Lain of the Wired is conveying to her again.
"But we're a whole lot more than that," Lain of the Wired
continued.
She reaches her other hand around Lain's head, pushes Lain's face
in her direction, and locks lips with her. Regardless of the previous
scene, Lain lets herself be overtaken by the physical pleasures. Lain of
the Wired then cuddles with Lain, pushing her front body up against
hers, their bare tummies flat smooth against each other. Lain of the
Wired deepens their kiss with all her passion, and Lain obliges it on
command. Their tongues enter and intertwine, emitting spittle from the
sides of their mouths, in which the lovers bathe.
They finally separate and space apart, enough that they still have
their arms around each other and Lain's top slips back down. After a
moment, Lain instantly remembers what had been going on beforehand. She
looks to Alice, and is anxious by the expression on her face. Alice's
face is beet red, and she stands frozen in place like a statue, staring
at what appeared to be twin sisters being in a serious incestuous
relationship.
Eventually, Alice manages to say, "Wow" and nothing more.
Lain now worries. "Wait, Alice, it's not...I mean..."
Lain of the Wired quickly kisses Lain on the lips again for
another moment, silencing her. As soon as they break apart, Lain of the
Wired says, "Now, honey, I think you should be coming back home with me,
right now, this very minute."
Lain looks into the eyes of Lain of the Wired, and, for the first
time in a long while, detects a great sense of subtle vehemence in her
other self.
She looks to Alice. "Sorry, Alice, I have to go. It was great
talking with you. I can explain this to you later..."
"That won't be necessary right now," Lain of the Wired said, "You
have a nice day, Ms. Alice." She then hooks her arm around that of Lain,
and ushers her away from the playground.
Alice just watches them leave until they vanish out of sight. She
does not know how to contemplate what she had seen; it had all been very
much like something out of a surrealistic dream. A couple questions nag
in her mind; *She's called Lain?* and *How did that girl know my name?*
Lain and Lain of the Wired cut through the vacant cherry blossom
park. Once Alice is no longer in sight, Lain of the Wired practically
tugs at Lain's arm, forcing her to come at a brisk pace.
"It's not what it looked like," Lain said, "I think what we did
freaked her out a little..."
"We'll talk when I'm good and ready," Lain of the Wired curtly
said.
Her sharp tone silences Lain. Lain gets overcome by a sense of
dread once again, and she is starting to fear their pending
conversation. Lain of the Wired had completely misinterpreted her
conversation with Alice, and she is angry without a doubt. Lain thought
that Lain of the Wired had changed since they hooked up, but now the old
mannerisms of her other self seem to be resurfacing, and Lain does not
know what to expect. Lain of the Wired saw what she saw and felt
betrayed. But Lain was not there to betray her, so Lain has to explain
everything to her other self as soon as she is willing to listen.
Lain of the Wired comes to a stop at an especially remote spot in
the park. She then faces Lain, with a most unnerving expression of
abhorrence, and her hands balled into tight fists.
After a moment of silence, Lain makes her second attempt to speak.
"I was just..."
SMACK! Lain finds her face cocked to one side, a bruise already
clear on her cheek. Lain of the Wired stands with her extended arm to
the side, her expression the same.
She then says, "Why were you talking to her?"
Lain feels the impact on her cheek with her hand. She had no idea
that her other self's fury would go this far, and it stings on a deeper
level. She begins to tear up.
"I asked you, why were you talking to her?"
"I...was trying to tell you," Lain said, somewhat hesitating, her
voice quivering a little, "I was going for a walk, and I just saw her in
my path. I felt that I had a chance to talk to her again after not
seeing her for so long..."
"*Why*?"
Lain pauses at the blunt question, taking a couple of deep breaths
so that she can manage more than one sentence. "Because Alice, was
someone dear, the last time I was human. She looked unhappy, and...I
swear to you it's not what it looked like. I wasn't trying to make her
fall in love with me again, I really wasn't."
"And yet you were jumping on the opportunity to help her remember
her past, and therefore remember you," Lain of the Wired stated
rhythmically, "You were hoping to make things like the old days again so
that you could feel closer to her. And what would come after that? You
would try to get intimate with her, convince her to leave her husband
and be happy with you, and you could forget all about me."
"No! That's not true!"
"Isn't it? You looked pretty serious back there, the way you were
fumbling to find the right words and all."
Lain is struck speechless. She feels she is truly getting stabbed
by her lover's words, who seems to be taking sadistic pleasure from it.
She cannot take much more of this.
"Face it, Lain. Alice doesn't love you. She didn't return your
feelings back then, and what makes you think she will now, if she
learned everything that had happened before? Only I can love you, Lain.
There is no other person you should look at other than me. I throw
myself at you, give you the time of your life both during the day and
night, and yet you still never fully let me in."
"That's not true! We danced together and shared love! They were
always precious to me!"
"Now how is *that* true? Yes, we made love, Lain, but I could feel
your subtle repression. You accepted me because you thought there would
be nothing or nobody else. Even as we fucked, your mind on the most
deepest of levels was elsewhere. I could sense it, because you had never
fully spiritually connected with me on those nights. I never mentioned
it because I thought you needed time, and soon enough you would come to
terms with yourself and accept me, but I was wrong. Don't ever see Alice
again, Lain."
Much to Lain's own surprise, anger begins to build up, leveling up
against the dreaded shame that has been there. She no longer feels that
Lain of the Wired had been doing her a favor all this time, and instead
feels that she is deliberately attempting control over her life. Lain
will not have that. "Who do you think you are? You are not in charge of
me! I am my own person! I accepted you because that was what I wanted!
Alice was my friend, and I have every right to see her!"
"If you continue doing so, then I'll hurt her."
"You'll hurt her?! You wouldn't!"
"Oh yes I would," Lain of the Wired said, smiling, "I could pose
as you and introduce myself to her. Then I could beat her up and make
her fear you. Or maybe I could make her remember everything by myself,
which would not only make Alice fear you again but also hate you again.
Or maybe, just maybe, to ensure her disgust in loving another woman, I
could rape her!"
Without a word, Lain runs at Lain of the Wired and socks her
straight in the face, who spins about and falls front first onto the
ground. She stays there for the moment as if knocked unconscious, but
Lain can still see her breathing, and her arms moving wearily.
"Now you listen to me!" Lain said, "Hurting me was one thing! But
what you said was pure evil, and now I hate you! If you ever go near
Alice, I will loathe you on the deepest level beyond redemption! I may
not have the power to cancel you out anymore, but that won't stop me
from making your life a living hell!"
Lain of the Wired forces herself up off the ground on her arms and
legs. Apparent sounds of laughter emit from her underside face as her
shoulders and torso shiver along with it.
Her rage coming back to her, Lain kicks her other self hard in her
bare tummy from underneath, sending her rolling onto her back. Then Lain
stops, witnessing the most terrifying image she never expected.
The eyes of Lain of the Wired are already beet red and moist from
the tears welling down the sides of her face. She covers over her hit
belly with her arms, her body arching over it in a fetal position. She
is not laughing; she is crying like a helpless soul. Lain looks closer
to make sure she is not acting it. Upon confirming that she is crying
for real, it scares Lain even more. She has never known Lain of the
Wired to be like this. Her other self has always been tough and have
given everyone a hard time for her own pleasure. And yet here she is, as
if another Lain personality has taken a hold of her.
"I'm sorry," Lain of the Wired choked out, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
Regardless of what had taken place, what Lain sees now is a
vulnerable girl crying for help, and her fury, if not her own pain,
dissipates away. Lain kneels down, pulls Lain of the Wired up off the
ground and holds her close, her soft-haired head underneath that of
Lain's.
After a long moment, still sobbing, with her one hand on Lain's
shoulder, Lain of the Wired manages to say, "I didn't mean it, Lain. I
would never hurt Alice. But *you* hurt *me*! When you canceled me out, I
never felt so lonely in all my existence. When I came back to reality,
you were all I had left, and I wanted to be by your side! We both made
mistakes in our lives, but I was hoping that we could change each other.
I hoped I could bring out a side of you that you never knew you had. You
brought out a new side of me too, and all our moments were precious to
me. When I told you that only I could love you, I meant it. I wanted
you to want me and nothing else. I thought all we could have was each
other. But then I found out there was still a part of you with Alice,
and she was the one holding you back the whole time, and it was just
killing me!"
Lain of the Wired then opens her eyes, and looks directly at
Lain's. Her genuine vulnerability is working on Lain's last nerve,
making Lain feel like coming to the point of breaking down herself.
"You can't go back to Alice, Lain, not the way you are now. You
don't know how to reconnect with her. You're afraid that you'll scare
her and make her hate you again, and you're always thinking this. It's
because you're not confident about yourself, you haven't fully loved
yourself all this time. How can you properly love somebody else when you
haven't even fully accepted yourself? I am your other self, Lain. For a
time, you have to make me your whole world. I've been making you mine,
and I never felt so alive. I love you, Lain. I love you!"
Lain of the Wired cups Lain's cheek, the one she had hit. The burn
that had once been there dissipates. Lain is just overwhelmed by this
turnaround of everything. The words of Lain of the Wired echo through
Lain's mind. *You can't go back to Alice, Lain, not now...you haven't
fully loved yourself all this time...how can you properly love somebody
else...For the time being, you have to make me your whole world*. She
cannot fully comprehend what it all means, but she realizes one thing;
she cannot dwell on it. Although she does not totally understand, she
must devote her whole mind and heart to one person; Lain of the Wired.
She cannot think about Alice when she has someone most dear to her right
here and now that needs her the most.
She embraces her other self hard and says, "Forgive me."
"Forgive you? Why? I should be saying that, but you shouldn't
forgive me."
"No, I forgive you. You said terrible things, and they left a
scar, but I forgive you. I have hurt you too. We both left a scar, but
no matter the injuries, we are still alive so we must live and deal with
it. You are the one who returned to me, brought me back to the real
world, saved me from nothingness, returned my humanity, danced with me,
and helped me experience the sensual pleasures of love. For that you
will always be important to me. I will always love you, my other self."
Lain of the Wired leans back to look at Lain's face to
double-check her sincerity. Gratified with what she sees, she kisses
Lain more deeply than ever before, with Lain returning the favor.
After a moment, regardless of how long it was, Lain of the Wired
breaks away. "Shall we go back to your room?"
"No, let's stay here, in this cherry blossom forest," Lain said,
"The leaves are starting to fall, and it's beautiful here. There is no
other perfect atmosphere."
"But other people walk through here."
"It's alright. We're in this park, but I already made sure we're
in a different plane. Nobody will see or hear us from where they're at.
Let's stay here and go nowhere else. Let's stay here for as long as
we're satisfied. I am going to make up to you for all our previous
nights."
Lain of the Wired continues tearing as she begins to manually
remove her clothes. "Thank you, Lain."
Lain nods, removing her own clothing. "I love you, my other self,
and I am going to prove it."
Time passes without relevance to the domain of love Lain occupies.
Nothing else in known existence even matters amongst the atmosphere of
falling cherry blossom petals. All during this moment, she experiences
inheriting the universe, as if taking everything bit by bit to fill in
all the essentials of her being that were initially suffering a void. It
all passes like a dream; hazy, always moving and yet comfortable. Lain
feels no further security than to just go with the flow.
Just like a dream, Lain eventually wakes. She finds herself lying
down on her back on the cherry blossom-covered ground of the park. She
looks to her left, then to her right, and does not see Lain of the Wired
anywhere next to her. She then forces herself to sit up, and notices she
is wearing whole new attire. Her pants are mottled navy and olive, and
she is wearing a grey-colored tank top, half in length that displays her
belly. She is still donned with band accessories, including a choker
around her neck which only Lain of the Wired used to wear. Next to her
on the ground is a short black leather jacket, in which its origins will
never be determined.
Lain does not ponder over what happened, because she already knows
on the unconscious level. She will never see Lain of the Wired again, at
least not as a subjective form in existence. Lain had made love to her
with all her passion, voluntarily giving up her soul in exchange for
that of her other self. They have always been two different beings that
shared the same shell vessel known to people as a body. As they
gradually melded together they literally became one. Lain is still Lain,
but she is also Lain of the Wired. She now realizes what her other self
meant by asking how you could possibly love other people when you don't
love yourself. Lain had always feared and hated herself, let alone her
other self, and had done so for a period of time that she had isolated
herself from the world for so long. Not anymore. She has come around to
loving and accepting her other half, and now she is a complete human
being. She can move on with life, and take in all the other things that
would make her interrelation with the world itself more complete.
She puts on her newfound jacket and walks out of the park. On the
street, she eventually sees GA, and comes up to meet him.
"Oh hey, Lain," GA said, "Or, wait, are you...?"
"It's okay, I'm Lain," she said, laughing.
"You're wearing different gear, so I couldn't tell. You haven't
been back to Cyberia for a while, I was starting to worry whether or not
you and your girlfriend would come back."
"How long has it been?" Lain casually asked.
"A week."
"That's all?" Lain asked, who felt her time with Lain of the Wired
was a blissful eternity.
"What's been going on, and where's your sweetheart?"
Lain smiles. "You won't be seeing her anymore."
"She left you?"
"No, not really. It's too complicated to explain, but I'll just
say she's still a part of me."
"Okay," GA said, clearly not getting it, "Are you still going to
come to work at Cyberia?"
"I will. I enjoy working there, and I have a lot of fun, so yes. I
can only hope that the clubbers there will accept me being alone there."
"I'm sure if you mean business, they'll get used to it. You say
you're coming back, so that's great news. Anyway, there have been more
open lesbians that have been visiting Cyberia lately because of you.
Once they hear you're not spoken for anymore, they might like to meet
you..."
"Sure, I'll see them," Lain said, "But until I have the chance to
go and clarify something, there will be only one woman who will claim me
and my heart. I'm on my way to meet her now."
"Really? Wow, there's apparently a lot about you I don't know.
Well, you do what you have to. See you later."
"See you later, and thank you," Lain said.
As GA walks away, Lain breaks into a run. She now knows how to
properly approach her, and possibly reveal all her secrets to her. She
may still be freaked out a little after seeing Lain French-kiss who she
assumed to be Lain's twin sister, but Lain knows how she will explain it
to her if she is willing to listen. There is the possibility Lain will
get around to making her remember everything. There is also the
possibility that she will once again be afraid of Lain, but Lain is
prepared to face and deal with that, and to help her cope with her
story, in a way where she might gradually become unafraid of Lain. She
is a full-grown adult now, so she would not so much share the same
trauma she did as a teenager. There is the chance that deep down, she
still loves the husband that she is married to, and that she would be
willing to socialize with Lain for the purposes of regaining her
memories and a lost friendship but nothing else. Whatever the outcome of
the case may be, Lain will be prepared for it. She must see her, talk to
her, at least one more time.
Lain continues running until she arrives at the playground again,
and finds none other than Alice sitting on the swing like before. Lain
slows down to her walking gait, and makes her casual approach toward
Alice. As Lain does so, she sings;
And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
I am falling, I am fading,
I have lost it all
And you don't seem the lying kind
A shame that I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there
Candle-lit smile that we both share
And you know I don't mean to hurt you
But you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning,
Help me to breathe
I am hurting, I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe
Alice takes notice of Lain's presence and looks up at her a lot
sooner than Lain had with Lain of the Wired when she had singed that
song. Alice seems entranced by the melody of Lain's voice, the same way
that Lain was first entranced by it with Lain of the Wired. There is no
expression of glee or anger from Alice, but there is kindness
nonetheless.
When Lain finishes, she says, "That was 'Duvet' by Boa. I always
loved that song. It reminds me of you, therefore I dedicate my
performance of it to you."
Alice smiles. "You did sing it rather beautifully." She takes a
breath, then says, "I was hoping to see you again, Lain."
"I've returned," Lain said, with confidence and a tender smile,
"Hello, Alice."
THE END
[The clothing of Lain and Lain of the Wired was inspired by one of
the Lain posters, where she is leaning against a road guardrail and
looking into the distance with a subtle smile, and also from the Cyberia
Remix soundtrack. The clothing store they visit is the same last name of
Yoshitabe Abe, the character designer of 'Serial Experiments Lain' and
creator of 'Haibane Renmei,' my all-time favorite Anime series (Abe
Clothing Home is a play on Old Home). The DJ's name, GA, are initials
for Greg Ayres, an English dub actor who also specializes as a DJ in
real life. Although unrelated to 'Serial Experiments Lain,' I felt like
writing him into this fanfic.
If you were expecting a more conclusive ending instead of the
ambiguous one I wrote, sorry, but I think the ending I wrote is
appropriate enough. For Anime stories of any kind, it would be weirder
to have more conclusive endings, don't you think? If you're wondering
where the black leather jacket came from, I can't say myself. Perhaps it
is a new mystery that means whatever you want it to mean?
I hope you enjoyed it. If you have any comments, please send them
on my e-mail address and I will surely still be around even by 2008 if
you read this by then.]
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