You and I
He glanced up from his paper and glared at her for a good five minutes
before returning his dark eyes to the news article he had been reading.
It was a disapproving glance, and he continued to look up at her every
so often, in the exact same manner, as she tried in desperation to
drink her coffee. The young man was never one to just say what he was
thinking unless provoked, or wrapped in the moment, but she wished to
the gods he would just speak instead of staring at her like she was
some sort of criminal. She gazed into the steamy depths of blackness,
catching her off set reflection, pondering why she felt the need to
even explain things to him. It wasn’t his business what she did. It was
her house and her life and she could do what she pleased. That was the
reward for being a grown up after all. She took a sip from her cup and
enjoyed the warmth of the brew as it slid down her throat. Her sky blue
eyes finally managed to catch his just as he was about to resume
reading the paper again. They had worked together long enough that he
could read her sometimes-slight facial expressions with ease. And he
saw clearly that he was being an annoyance but he really didn’t care.
It was his intent to get her attention and now that he finally had it
he queried if he should speak or just let the heavy silence continue
for a minute or two longer. She sighed and looked out the kitchen
window. It was going to be another perfect sunny day. Not a cloud in
the sky and it slightly disgusted her. She took a large gulp from her
drink, smiling inside a bit at the role reversal. Wasn’t she the one
that tried to guide him? Wasn’t she the one that proved even the weak
had to fight sometimes? Even if they would lose sometimes the weak had
to fight. She was the one that tried in desperation to focus all his
misplaced views and anger. For the most part she was successful, but
only because the scholarly side of him wanted to learn. Only because he
wanted to understand the reasons why people acted as they did, and he
still didn’t understand…and he still preferred solitude to human
companionship… but he was less volatile than he once was, and much less
prone to judge without accessing a situation first. A slight breeze
blew in from the open window and she pulled her robe closer to her. It
was too early in the morning for this. Her head swung around as she
glanced at the small and empty entrance to the room, her mind lingering
on the previous evening. He took that as his cue and put his paper
down. Before he could speak she replied defensively.
“It is my life you know?” Her tone was light and cool. It was far to
easy a voice for someone who had, and to a certain extent still, worked
for the military. She pushed her light brown, almost blonde, hair back
behind her ear, annoyed that she had undone her braids the night
before. The night before, it still pulsed through her like a song. She
shook her head and met his deafening glare once again. “What can you
possibly say or ask that I already haven’t asked myself”, she
challenged.
He raised a dark eyebrow, but his over all facial expression remained
the same, distant…almost cold. “I just want to understand why you do
this to yourself”, he stated flatly. He took a sip from his tea
awaiting an answer.
Her glance shifted over to the empty doorway once more, and then it
moved to the ceiling. It was as if she was trying to look through the
wall to find the answer.
“So she’s asleep then”, he asked. “She’s still here?” He seemed
surprised. “She actually stayed?”
She wasn’t comfortable with his line of questioning, but she couldn’t
lie. Nor could she just ignore the query. She sighed. Her focus
drifting back to the young man in front of her. “Yes.” It was a cold
answer.
He crossed his arms over his chest and nodded his head slightly. His
disappointment was clear.
She got a little angry at that point. “Why does it even matter Wu-Fei?
Why do you even care? I mean Jesus! How is this any worse than what you
do on a regular basis?” Her eyes sparked of her own personal anger at
herself. It was a mistake, she thought, it was a mistake but it’s mine
not yours.
“There is no attachment to what I do”, he replied stiffly. “I take and
I leave and I can do that with no problems or fears. I don’t need the
sticky feel of guilt on me after I leave in the morning, nor do I need
the harsh pangs of regret when I am left.” He paused; his manner and
tone very much unchanged from the first question he had asked. He sat
up a bit and looked at her coolly. “The difference is everywhere
Sally”, he chided. “And it’s different because you love her. I hate to
say it”; he paused ready for any reaction he would get. “But she makes
you weaker than you already are. She breaks you with her indecision,
and you let her.”
She nearly flew up and punched him in the face, but she managed to
restrain herself. She managed to just grit her teeth, clench her fists
and seethe in anger. But she knew he was right. She knew he was right
and she just didn’t want to hear about it. She had told herself the
same things over and over again, but she just couldn’t…She couldn’t say
no. He huffed a bit and stood up. Bused his teacup over to the sink and
folded his newspaper under his arm.
“I have to go or I’ll be late”, he stated. “I assume I should tell Une
you’ll be in late today?”
“I have today off”; she replied trying not to sound hurt or angry, or
anything at all really.
He nodded and walked out of the kitchen. He hated having to open her
eyes even more to what she was doing, but it was necessary. She was
strong and seeing her weak made him feel ill. It wasn’t right for her
to just accept things as they were going. It wasn’t right to just wait
for something to change. Change had to come through some kind of
force…through the destruction of something old to breathe life into
something new.
She sniffed as the door shut with a silent thud. It was killing her.
Everything he asked and everything he said was true. But it was nothing
she hadn’t already told herself. It was nothing that she hadn’t already
been over time and again. She spent hours chiding herself about it,
hours just arguing with herself over the stupidity of it all. She felt
used and confused…And it was worse that day because of what she had
done the night before. It was so much worse because of that. She rose
from the table and made her way slowly to the stairs. And as she made
the small trek to her room everything felt heavy around her. She sighed
again as she reached the door and she remembered how easy it was for
her to fall. The night before she had run to the door upon hearing an
all too recognizable knock. Another night of tears and long talks.
Another night of whispered consoling and gentle advice…because he had
left…again. For the millionth time he had gone with out a word or a
trace, and for the millionth time Lucrezia Noin had run to Sally Po the
one person who understood her, the one person who would always be there
and listen and love her. It made Sally want to cry, because she did
love violet eyed pilot…Loved her to distraction. The sort of deep want
and compassion that ate at her insides every time the crisis passed and
she had to watch her love…her dear and true friend…the one thing she
craved, wanted, needed…When it all passed…When the night was over…When
he finally returned…Lucrezia always went back to him. She always went
back and the cycle always repeated…And Sally just couldn’t stop it. But
the cycle completely changed with last night. It evolved into something
infinitely more complicated. She had been crying, and with just as much
care as always the blue eyed medic wiped the pilot’s tears away and
held her tight. She listened to the Mediterranean beauty sob and rant.
And as always she placed a polite kiss on her love’s cheek, muttering
that everything would be fine. The change was simple and slight as the
skilled instructor lifted her head and kissed back. It was easy, light,
soft and nothing strange, but it lead to a night of less innocence and
solid aching lust. The world went up in flames and all reason was lost.
She opened the door slowly and padded into her room. Her overnight
visitor was still buried under the comfort of the bedding. She crept
over to the bed and sat trying not to stir the woman next to her from
sleep. She wanted more time to think and ponder. She wanted to
question herself more and more but all opportunity was lost as lazy
arms wrapped around her waist pulling her close. She sighed, and blue
eyes begged for release as sleepily eager hands parted her robe and
began to brush against her soft skin.
“I can’t do this again Luca.” The nickname slipped from her mouth
without a thought and her heart was a beat away from ripping in two as
elegant tan hands kept up their work. Her eyes shut briefly and she
whispered her plea again, “I can’t.” And she really couldn’t. The
memory of their last break up kept echoing in her mind. She couldn’t
stand to lose again. Not to him, and not to the wicked routine that
seemed to constantly bind them.
There was a breathy sigh released from the woman holding her. It was
almost annoyance, but it seemed more like realization. She sat up,
pulling a white sheet over her bare form. Lusting fingers ran through
her short dark hair and her violet eyes looked to the ceiling sadly. “I
have to choose don’t I?” It wasn’t clear if the question was meant to
be answered immediately, or left to linger for at least a minute in
silence. She shifted a bit moving to her side and looking over at
Sally ran a light hand down the lovely Preventor’s face. “Of course I
have to choose”; she replied weakly and caught the woman’s tears with
her lips. It was a terrible thing choosing. It meant someone would lose
and Lucrezia couldn’t help but feel that she would lose the most. She
inched away as Sally left the bed.
“I…I’m gonna take a shower”, pleading blue eyes stated. “And then we
can talk.”
“Fine.”
Have I lost you…
I have lost you
To the wind and to the rain
Have I lost you
I have lost you
And there is nothing that can be the same
And why leave me this way
And why let me wander
‘Cos I wander
Have I lost you
I have lost you
To the beating of my heart
There was a chill in the air that she hadn’t expected. Perhaps it
wasn’t really the weather. She sat on the porch swing waiting for Sally
to join her. Knowing that she had to do damage control and knowing that
she took things to far. Her violet eyes shut for a moment so she could
think without the sunny day intruding and she wondered briefly, if she
had broken everything on purpose.
“It’s cold out.”
“Hmmm…I thought it was just me”, she replied. She looked over at Sally
and forced a half smile.
“Where do we start Luca?”
“Not sure. I suppose...we should start with us”, the pilot replied
warily.
“The first time we lasted a solid six months”, Sally began. “The second
time…”
“Over a year…but then”, she paused remembering the why. Why they didn’t
last…it always went back to him. He was why she could never stay. He
was why she left and returned. And he was why she made such a mess of
things the other night. She shook her head. “It begins and ends with
him Sal…it always has.”
“You love him?”
“Yes.”
“Has he ever told you?”
“Not those three words…he’s never been able to.”
“No?” She looked away trying to bite back her anger. It was stupid the
triangle that had evolved. It was stupid and it bound them in ways that
shook her soul. “He always leaves you.”
“But he comes back.”
“Because he knows you’re waiting…just like you know I’m always
waiting…and I can’t”, she sniffed back some tears. “I can’t keep
waiting for you…and if you love him…You love him”, she choked. It was a
realization that stung. She leaned up against the wall as she began to
sway from the impact of the self-inflicted wound.
“Sally, we’ve fallen under a curse it seems. I am to you what he is to
me”, she stood up and looked out at the street. “I think…I think I have
to stop waiting too.”
“So you’re going to chase then?” She did her best to remain still and
unmoved. But deep inside she just wanted to scream. It wasn’t fair.
Lucrezia Noin stepped in close to her friend. She brushed back her hair
and suppressed a sigh. “Stop waiting for me Sally.
The choice was made. It was clear and solid and she knew it would
stand.
I need to know if you go
If you leave and never return
If I’m left with only the burn
What kept you from my heart?
What tore us apart?
I broke under you
And you knew
You knew what to do
The sun was setting in a hazy calm manner and as he walked up the steps
to the house he quirked an eyebrow. She looked pathetic sitting there.
Like a dog waiting for her master to return home. He said nothing
though. He took a seat next to her.
“She won’t come back.”
“Hn.”
“And I’m not waiting”, she stated strongly.
“Never said you were”, his tone was cool.
“And a single heart break does not make a person weak.”
He shook his head, not so much in disagreement, but in sadness. It
wasn’t right for her to be this way. It wasn’t right at all. But he
said nothing. He just waited.
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