"Sir?" Heero turned around sharply, to face the young officer standing in the doorway. "Have you made a decision yet? If you're going with us, we'll be leaving shortly." The Japanese pilot frowned in thought, Dorothy's words still bouncing around inside his head. //Relena... she - she /loves/ me? I... I don't know /how/ to feel.// The new emotion, fear mixed with an incredible elation, clashed sharply with his old, deeply-rooted dread of relationships, of allowing anyone to get close to him. Once people got close, they started demanding things... and they could hurt, hurt you worse than any battle could ever be. //Why should I care about Relena? What does that dumb blonde expect me to do, run off and confess my love?! I never asked Relena to like me, I never asked her to care! Why should it be /my/ problem if she's in trouble, if she's too stupid to take a day off?!// The ache that rose up with that thought, his heart hurting from the idea that Relena was in pain, silently answered his question for him. Heero couldn't believe this was happening. This wasn't supposed to happen, not to him, not ever. //I don't /want/ to care, not about anything. I'm a pilot, I belong to no one. I'm always moving, following only the orders I want to, never getting involved too deep, never setting down roots, trusting only myself.// It hurt too much, to trust people, to believe in anything other than his own ability, the world that only extended to the end of his fingertips. Even at their kindest, people could be brutal without a second thought, without even knowing they had done anything wrong. It was better to be alone. Safer. //Much less of a hassle, too. I don't want to deal with her problems. I have enough of my own. I don't have time for lover's quarrels, stupid disagreements...and I know she'll try and change me...she'll have to. A Gundam pilot can't exactly be the husband of Absolute Pacifism without some serious modifications.// His conscience wouldn't let him accept that, not completely. //She loves /you/, Heero, and deep down, you know she wouldn't change you. She loves you, not for who she wants you to be, but for who you are.// //Why? How could she ever love someone like me??// He frowned, wishing his inner voice would leave him alone. Instead, it kept picking at him, attacking him with logic, trying to get him to do something that, for the most part, he would have been happy to leave alone. //Is that really important right now, the reasons why she loves you? Dorothy said it herself...now's the time. You either help Relena now, or you keep flying solo forever. You have to decide. What's it going to be?// ----------------------- /God, no! Please, no!!!/ Relena snapped out of sleep, instantly curling up into a tight ball, hands wrapped around her knees, rocking slightly as she tried to calm down. In another moment, she was tearing across the room, barely making it to the bathroom before her nerves took over, and she threw up, collapsing against the toilet bowl. After a while, the brown-haired girl shakily rose to her feet, and splashed her face with cool water, trying not to think, trying not to remember. Relena was still trembling, covered in sweat as she walked out of the bathroom, nightmares still vivid and crystal clear in her mind's eye. //All dead, everyone was dead, little children, mothers and fathers... all of them floating dead in space, and it was my fault. It was all my fault.// Relena rubbed her eyes with one hand, clenching her teeth tightly until the fear and sorrow subsided, rubbing her face hard with a towel, until it hurt, searching for some sort of distraction. A glance at the clock made her groan. It was still dark, the sun was not up, but it was too late for her to consider going back to sleep. There was no doubt, Relena knew she was in for another long day, and if things remained the way they had been when she finally went to sleep last night, it was going to be a stressful one as well. //No use in complaining about the inevitable. I'm awake now, I might as well find something useful to do. Besides, I...// Relena's mouth twitched slightly with barely repressed fear as she stared at her rumpled sheets and pillows. She could see only shattered glass, twisted steel, and thousands of dead eyes gazing at her in horrified accusation. //I don't really feel like sleeping anymore.// No one else was up, save for the members of the household's night guard. They were trained for stoic, motionless presentation, but a few of them smiled when they saw her, and one or two waved. Relena waved back, grateful for the sight of life on any human face, their eyes and smiles erasing the dead, limp bodies of women and children that haunted her every time she closed her eyes. //Only a dream, only a dream... not real not real not real.// Relena knew her nightmare wasn't true, but found herself checking the computers for any new updates since she had gone to bed, wanting desperately to believe that her dream was not some premonition, that out there, somewhere in space, some tiny colony hadn't been destroyed while she slept. //They count on me too, you know. Out there in the furthest reaches of space, they believe I can help them, just like everyone here on Earth.// Relena sighed, rubbed her eyes a few more times. //It's too early for that.// She got a cup of coffee from the kitchen, and went out to the front balcony, overlooking the sea, to watch the sun rise. For a long time, Relena just leaned against the marble railing. The cold air was refreshing but not chilly, and the peaceful solitude brought her some clarity, made her feel a little more alive than she had grown used to over the past few months. //It's so stifling in those conference rooms. The lights are always the same, the smells are always the same.// Relena inhaled deeply, taking in all the sensations of the sea and the lush, verdant vegetation of her homeland. A lone bird called out, singing a welcome song to the sun that still hadn't peeked over the edge of the water, but was lighting the sky in slow shades, like a shy painter afraid to make too big a stroke on his canvas. //It's so big, this planet. I never thought, because outer space really /is/ endless, that I would ever think this place was so large. But it is...// Relena found it both wonderful and awe-inspiring, that humans could exist in such a place, that they were gifted to live among such incredible beauty. Humanity was somehow so small, just a few specks of dust scattered across a handful of stars, and yet everything about it was so vibrant, so alive, so /important/. //We don't need to kill each other, we don't need to suffer. Everyone just wants a chance to live, to experience the world for themselves. Certainly, there must be a way for us all to get along.// Relena took another sip of coffee, watching a gull wing its way across the water in front of her, barely moving its wings as it soared along on an updraft. //I'm at the verge of something, I can feel it. I don't think I'm that important, I'm just another person.// The brown-haired girl didn't like to think about being valuable, about having to know that other people looked up to her. With that importance, came the possibility of failure, and horrible loss. //But if I really have been placed here now, so that I can accomplish something valuable... what right do I have to deny that? How can I say no?// Relena leaned against the railing a bit harder, feeling the hard, cold marble press against most of her body. //I'm afraid. I don't want to do it like this. I don't want to do it all by myself... to do it all alone.// "Hello, Relena." The brunette turned, completely surprised to see Heero suddenly there, leaning beside her, gazing out into the water. "Hello, Heero." The silence hovered around them, a thick pane of glass that would not easily be broken. Relena opened her mouth several times, but could think of nothing to say, none of her words seemed able to crawl out of her throat into the air, and so she stayed silent. "Relena?" "Mm?" Heero looked at her slowly, for another long, silent moment. His gaze took all of her in at once, then went back to savor each part, watching her slowly, as if seeing her for the first time. //Heero? ... are you going to say something? Are you finally going to tell me?// "You shouldn't drink coffee if you aren't feeling well. It will just make you more sick." Relena knew she could count on the mask she now wore, the expression of calm understanding that seemed permanently fixed, like cement, over her real expression. It hid the pang of hurt, allowed her to simply nod, and smile. "I'm all right. I have to wake up for the meeting, anyway. The leader of the dissenting faction... he'll be here today." The silence descended once more, and this time Relena felt obligated to break it. There was a reason he was near, a reason Heero had sought her out, and she had a strange, churning sensation deep inside that told her it was what she had been waiting for. All she had to do was ask. "Heero?" "Yeah?" "Is there something you wanted to talk about? With me?" He turned to her, brown eyes gazing directly into hers with a gravity, a weight that froze her solid. Relena's heart was in her throat, each breath she took seemed to require a great effort, and she swore she could feel each molecule of the now still air as it brushed against her skin. The pilot simply stood, staring at her, but she knew what he was thinking as easily as if he was screaming. //Please let him talk. Let him say it. He has to tell me. Heero, I need to hear you. I need to know how you feel.// "Heero..." Her voice was nothing more than the quietest whisper, so small that she wondered if she had even spoken at all. "Please, Heero... tell me?" He seemed trapped by her gaze for a moment, still staring at her with those wide, strangely soft but wild eyes, almost timid, like some feral animal. He blinked, and sighed, turning back toward the ocean. "I'm going out with a fleet today, for about half a year, maybe more. They're doing some repair work, and they need a security escort. We're going out pretty far into space. I just thought you should know... your highness." "Heero..." Relena's voice broke on the word, and a second later, something deep inside her just snapped. The calm mask she had worn to hide her feelings no longer was a mask, it was a part of her now. It was her true face. "That's really good of you, Heero. I'm sure they could use your help." For a moment, the pilot seemed surprised, staring at her with wide eyes. Relena couldn't feel the shock she knew should have been inside of her, the pang of shame at causing the flicker of hurt in his eyes, the ache at knowing he was leaving her, flying away to the ends of the stars, just to get away. //Leaving... going that far away because he can't stand me. Oh no, oh no no no no.// "You'd probably better get going then. Good luck." "Yeah." Relena turned to watch him leave, and didn't turn back, staring toward the doorway where he had vanished, unmoving. The sun finally broke free from the sea, sending tiny diamond sparkles dancing across the morning waves, moving like soft, thick cloth over the land. It reached up to wipe across the young girl's face, and twinkled on tears that matched the bright gems in the ocean waves. Relena crumpled against the railing, half-supported by it, with her face buried in the cold marble. The brown-haired girl sobbed so hard she could barely breathe, grieving for the loss of something she couldn't name, and for the painful hole that had opened up deep inside her heart. //I trusted him, and he walked away. I needed him, and he wasn't there. I'm a burden, I'm only a burden to him. I needed him... and he walked away.//
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