Erato, Melepene, and Joni Mitchell
Note: If you are curious about the title shoot me and email or IM me
and I'll let you know.
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Like the distance calling
I feel you
Falling…
Away from me and into the dark
A dream that haunts my nights
Because I fear the truth in it
If I was ever meant for you
Oh…
But I know this much is true
Things just haven't been the same
Since I met you
Gray fall days always reminded her of the past. And whether
remembering was a blessing or curse she still drifted back to the days
when she was young and in her eyes terribly foolish. A drop of rain
hit the sidewalk just outside the café she sat in. The small patter
soon bursting into a downpour and the civilians outside began to
scatter like mice on a sinking ship. Running for any cover available,
awnings, newspapers, or coats. She chuckled softly to herself and she
didn't know why she found it funny. Perhaps it was because she never
minded the bad weather, or more because she enjoyed the rain and even
the snow. Beneath a gray sky the ordinary colors of the world shone
brighter, reds and greens standing and stepping out from the
background to be witnessed in a new light.
The pale of her slight grin washed away softly as she settled back
into the plush armchair to sip at her coffee and mock read the volume
of modern poetry sitting in her lap. She brought the book to hide her
habit of people watching. She liked to blame that habit on the
military she had once served with astute reverence. She perked an
eyebrow as she flipped a page and read over a poem, tracing her
fingers over the slightly raised print. It struck her as something
familiar.
Too much
too soon
And lost to earth
forgotten shards of glass
A drop of red
And two of blue
Too much
Making violet
Eyes that always stung
A Moon
splintered by unspoken myth
and yes
too much
too soon
It read like an apology to her. A something written to make up for
what could not be mended. She sighed and shut the book. She never
tried to understand poetry. It was like trying to understand a dream,
and honestly she thought dreams made more sense. The odd punctuation
and randomly capitalized words seemed a bit dishonest to her. As if
being a poet meant having to be grammatically difficult just to prove
artistry.
The harsh beating of the wind and rain outside was calming. The shower
dying into the light patter it had started as.
Her mug nearly empty she removed herself from the comfortable chair
and sauntered over to purchase another cappachino. The girl behind the
counter greeted her warmly, a little flirtation muffled under the
common rhythm of taking an order. She tried not to flirt back but
failed her cool light blue eyes and thin smile beginning a dance she
wanted to believe she was getting too old for. And inwardly she
chuckled for thinking herself so old. Barely thirty she was aware of
how much life she had yet to live.
She stepped aside casually to wait for her order, ceasing the
flirtation and the passing fancy of taking that happy dance of knowing
glances and coy smiles a step further. It would have been fun, she
thought, to break her routine of decidedly lonely nights and take a
young lover to bed. But those fun and fleeting things had long worn
their welcome. Picking up her refreshed mug she retreated back to her
chair, laughing inwardly as she recalled yet again how gray days made
her wander over what had been.
And she had been… She had once been Major Sally Po one of the youngest
officers ever decorated with honors and medals. A rising star and if
she had actually cared about prolonging her military career she could
have been a general. She shrugged as she sat down, because she didn't
care. The army was just a step to capturing an education and once she
had the knowledge she needed she respectfully bowed out, much to the
dismay of many of her subordinates.
And she had also been a bit of a "player", the younger troops' word
not hers, but it fit.
She didn't miss either of the things she had been. She missed her boys
but not the things she inevitably had to send them into. She missed
the things that people often do and nothing more, nothing less.
Her focus wandered to the window the darkening sky, the chill that
waited for her and suddenly found herself missing violet eyes looking
down into her. She bit at the inside of her mouth, the first lines of
that apologetic poem playing in her head: "Too much, too soon".
Turning on for the millionth time
The stereo
To play a song for the millionth time
That reminds me
You broke my heart
You went away
You said goodbye
And I knew you would
I knew you would
Turning out for the millionth time
The lights
Turning down for the millionth time
The bed we used to share
Sinking in to remind me
You stole the sun
You took your leave
You left me
And I knew you would
I knew you would
Because you were the one
Born to
Take, shatter, and break me
It was dark when she finally gathered her things and stepped outside.
Cold and damp, and her nose ran as she walked along the silvery
moonlit pavement. Her wheat blonde hair was tucked up in a knit cap,
and her old brown leather pilot's jacket was zipped up tight though
the wind still found a way through it.
Her stride was light and purposeful, barely reminiscent of the way a
soldier, new or old, moved. The neighborhood in which she lived was
crowded with polite and quaint apartment buildings, a rainbow of color
even at night. Her feet brought her home safely and she jogged up the
steps to her front door, and then up the stairwell to the third floor
where she dwelled.
The deadbolt slid open with a clunk and Sally went through the easy
process of removing her hat and jacket, tossing them sloppily over the
arm of the couch as she moved to her bedroom. She ignored the flashing
red light on her answering machine for as long as she could. Giving in
and listening with a smile as solicitors and friends vied for her
attention. The last message hit her ears with restless remembrance and
she had to play it over and again to make sure she had heard it
correctly. She hit the play button on the machine and gripped the edge
of the bed.
~Beep~
"….." She heard a long sigh and then the nervous sound of lips
preparing to speak. "Hi…" another sigh, "God why am I doing this? ….
I'm sure you can guess, but… Fuck!… I'm sorry Sal…forget I called."
~Beep~
She bit at the inside of her mouth again before sighing sadly and
picking up the phone. She held it for a long while, two minutes to be
exact, but she hated being exact. And after she remembered to breathe
her fingers found the correct numbers to dial and she held the phone
to her ear listening to the rings and tried not to count. An answering
machine finally clicked on and she sighed before she left her own
tentative message.
"So… What was that about? Never mind… You sounded… miserable…" And it
was there that she had to remember not use the endearing term "love".
She tripped over the first letter until she found something to say,
"L-Lucrezia… I-"
The quick noise of a receiver being picked up and the answering
machine being shut off hit her ears suddenly; followed by a voice she
could never hope to forget.
"Don't say anything you'll regret later." The woman on the other end
sighed. "I'm sorry called. I shouldn't have."
"Don't be noble with me", Sally breathed softly. "What happened?"
"I… I mis-… I got burned."
"Oh."
"Don't"
"What?"
"Don't do that thing you always do when you've caught me lying."
"Well then maybe you shouldn't lie." Sally heard a sniff. "What do you
need?"
"I don't know."
"Sounds like you haven't changed."
"Oh fuck you… that isn't fair."
"No?" Her teeth tapped together. "No…you're right it isn't. Sorry…
Don't cry…please."
"I'm not." Another sniff.
"Then I guess you just have a bad cold right?"
"Right…Come over?"
"No."
"You asked what you could do."
"I don't want to see his things cluttering your living room."
"Not much left to see…please?"
"No…Coffee?"
"Do we really need to meet in such safe places?"
"Yes."
"Why, don't you trust me?"
"It's not you I'm worried about, Luca." The nickname made a catch in
her throat and she had to keep from crying. "Coffee? Yes or no?"
"Fine."
"Thirty minutes."
"Thirty minutes… Sal-"
"Don't say anything you'll regret"; Sally cut in before gently hanging
up the receiver.
I swear it isn't fair
That you know all my habits
And all I have to say is one word
And you know everything that's wrong
Everything that's sour
I swear it isn't fair
That we should know each other so well
Even after being apart
Even after tearing things in two
It was a ten-minute walk to the coffee shop. She had said thirty
minutes though, because it gave her time to prepare. Time to consult
with her self over what she could and could not say. To remember that
it was Lucrezia Noin that did the leaving and lying, and not the other
way around. And she reminded herself because she liked to forget that
it wasn't her fault. And she reminded herself because she liked to
forget that she wasn't young and in love.
Her pace along the sidewalk was quicker than usual, an almost pleading
desperation carried in each footfall. She cursed under her breath. She
wasn't ready.
She stood outside hiding from the warmth of the shop. Her hair draped
over her shoulders, loose and tousled by the wind. Ears slightly
frozen because in her haste to take her time she had forgotten her
knit cap. With a deep breath she entered the establishment and found a
table for two. Draping her jacket over her chair, marking her place,
setting the stage for the improvisation that was to come. She ordered
a regular cup of coffee and sat in waiting. She had ten minutes.
Sally Po didn't want to be a comfort. She didn't want to give into her
caring nature and that feeling lost deep within her that begged to be
Lucrezia's savior. Sipping her coffee she understood that the things
she didn't want were the things she always fell to.
Before she was ready she heard the chair across from her slide along
the floor. Sally looked up slowly to meet violet eyes she always
thought too beautiful to look sad. She sucked in a deep breath and
waited. Hoping she wouldn't have to start the conversation.
"No braids", Lucrezia muttered softly, an internal comment spoken
aloud.
"I stopped that a few years ago." A whisper of a grin tugged at the
corner of her mouth. "You let you hair get longer." She had to keep
herself from reaching across the small table and touching.
"I need a hair cut"; Lucrezia replied brushing back her neatly untamed
black hair, violet under the pale lights of the coffee shop, which
fell to her shoulders.
"So…" She dipped her gaze to the steamy depths of her drink. Watching
her reflection drown in the dark liquid.
"I didn't mean to call."
"You say that but I doubt you mean it." Her voice was a polite and
slightly husky whisper. "You never mean to call."
"No I never do… I was", she fought for a word. "I was desperate."
"I know. So what happened?"
"He left."
"So I gathered…Give me more to work with."
"He decided to go back to his true love."
"I see."
"Do you?" She sounded so bitter.
"Alright then L-Lucrezia", She stopped herself from using a nickname.
"Make me understand it better."
"Why are you so forgiving?"
"I'm not. I never was… I just… I can't be angry with you right now. If
you want to have a fight we can do that after I finish my coffee."
"I don't want to fight."
She stood from the table and Sally watched her as she ordered
something to drink. Sitting back down with her espresso cup she
understood why nothing could ever be fixed, so she sighed.
"I think I want to use you as revenge. I think… I think that’s why I
called", Lucrezia confessed. "Did you ever do that?"
Sally nodded, "You forget who you're talking to. I've been used for
revenge before and I hated myself for it but used someone once or
twice for the same thing."
"Who?"
"A lady", she replied honestly, taking in the ache. "And a princess."
She shook her head; "It was silly of me."
Lucrezia's silence cut at her. So she reached her hand across the
table half expecting her ex-lover to pull away and half expecting to
be welcomed. It was a mix of both and Sally didn't know what she could
say.
"How do you want me to react to you Luca? What do you want to hear?
You want forgiveness? I can try. You want me to argue with you and
leave you aching? I can do that to. I'm out of ideas and things to say
that don't hurt or make me remember. I loved you… I lost you and now…
Now you're here and I feel like I'm stuck in a Joni Mitchell song."
"Bitter and sweet", Lucrezia whispered. "Like holy wine…one of those
lines?"
"I was thinking about being a lonely painter living in a box of
paints… but you get the picture."
"I do."
I remember the first time I feel in love with you
I told you
You'd be the one to make me lose
Make me cry
And I remember the first time I kissed you
Yes you said you loved me
But I knew very well
That all the love in the world could never keep you nearer to me
So are we lost at sea together
Waiting for the tide to bring us back in
Oh I know you say you still want me
But…let's be honest
You just want me so you can feel free
The tide will catch us once again
I'm afraid I won't return
Twice forgotten
I'm not so kind
But that you always knew
That you always held as true
The crowds around them began to thin and they knew they would either
have to part or continue in another location. As they walked they
silently made their discussion, and Sally heard her heart screaming a
soft protest as she unlocked the door to her apartment and let
Lucrezia in.
They set their jacket aside and sat in the small living room on an but
comfortable couch. They stared at each other for a while reading the
things that couldn't be spoken. Feeling a need for small talk Lucrezia
spoke.
"You know you're the only one who uses my first name."
Sally tilted her head slightly and chuckled, "I thought I was the only
one allowed to use your first name?"
"That too."
"I never understood that."
"I just really abhorred my first name, and everyone seemed to agree
with me but you."
"Your name makes you who you are. It's a part of you…like a finger or
appendix."
"Now you're just being silly."
"I can't be?" She fought the urge to reach over and tickle Lucrezia's
side. She smiled remembering how much her ex hated that.
"What are we doing?"
"You started it. We're playing at a conversation because we don't have
anything left to say to each other", Sally offered. "Or maybe we're
just avoiding what needs to be said?"
"Maybe."
"And what needs to be said is very simple Luca", Sally slipped into a
somber tone. "If you use me for revenge there won't be anything left
for latter. You'll never get call on me again."
"I know."
"If you know why are you going to do it anyway?"
Sally knew Lucrezia didn't have answer. And she could easily pretend
to be strong and make the violet-eyed woman leave her house but it was
a dark and lonely night. There was wind howling outside rapping at the
windows, and rain falling in a heavy shower.
She always knew there was no such thing as a second chance for them.
She always wished it wasn't true. She wanted to send her love out into
the storm and she wanted to take her love to a warm bed. Sally was
sure she could have been stronger is it hadn't been a gray fall day,
if she had not been lingering what had been and taken back to memories
of what was.
Silence and quiet, the still between making a decision and living with
the choice tugged them closer. Sally reached out a hand and gracefully
pulled Lucrezia towards her, biting at the inside of her mouth.
"This won't fix what you lost", Sally whispered quickly.
"I'm sorry."
"If you were sorry you wouldn't have called…and I…wouldn't have called
back."
Violet to blue, eyes locked and focused on what was to come. And Sally
was sure even if a million years passed between them she would still
know just how to bring Lucrezia into a kiss. She pulled her ex closer,
till she could feel the full weight of her burden. If it were anyone
else she would have fought for supremacy and while she understood her
control she knew it would only take her so far. So her lips found
those above her and she almost pulled away because she recognized the
kiss. It was on that would leave her with the first call of morning.
But she let it go, on and again, one kiss to two until there was
nothing left but want.
It is
The very touch of you skin
That makes me ache
Sweet poison
And a bitter taste
A slide of hips
The pull of your lips
A wash of your breath
Soft and still against my ear
Your voice a wish
A song like light
Darker than I care to see
You hold me captive to the this night
A kiss could kill
If I didn't know it well
And we meet
Again…
Over and over
Calling our prayers
Whispering our wants
Till there is nothing
And the dawn wakes the world
The storm passed leaving the morning calm and clear. Blue sky and sun
mocking the very thought of autumn. If she opened her eyes she didn't
want to see. She was tired and sure that nothing would save the day
from beating against her door. She would have to wake and face the
world with her sins all in tact and her heart where it had been from
the start, broken in bits, shattered like glass. And then a tickle
across the flat of her stomach forced her to open her eyes.
Violet stared down at her and she found a way to keep from gasping.
"What are you doing?"
"I don't know…but I couldn't leave."
"And you can't promise to stay…Don't do this to me."
"Then kick me out."
Sally winced at the thought. Shut her eyes and shook her head. Lips
brushed against her neck.
"When we're both turned to dust I hope you'll be satisfied", Sally
whispered. She sucked in a breath. She didn't want to wound, she
didn't want to hurt…but as she always knew…as she had said… it was
those things she always fell to.
And we'll cast fire
Brimstone
Deep
We'll hurl lightening
Yell thunder
And sleep
Break each other under the weight of our sorrow
And cast aside what was love
For the vengeance of tomorrow
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