The hallway is so cold. Hilde always holds me when I'm cold, but she can't do that right now so I hug myself, and curl into a ball. I hate waiting. I hate being alone. I haven't had to be alone for three years now... not since Hilde came. In the distance I see Lady Une and Heero walking towards me. I guess Duo called them after I called him. "Relena," Lady Une hugs me, but I'm still cold, "Relena, you need to go home. You are freezing." "She has been here for six hours," Heero tells Lady Une as if I'm not here. Hilde never does that. She would get mad at Heero. "Hilde is still in critical condition," I tell them. And they won't let me see her. She was spitting out blood. There was so much blood. The dolphin I got her turned bright red. The little boy was crying, but I didn't know how to comfort him. He wasn't hurt, but he was scared. He was so scared he was nearly screaming. I wanted to scream. "...I'm canceling your presentation tomorrow at the forum." Lady Une is talking to me, but I'm only catching phrases. My presentation on poverty. That's supposed to be tomorrow. Right before Tyr Marison's presentation. Hilde helped me with it. She forgot it was tomorrow too. And she was so excited about the presentation too because if my proposal passes, the central area will get a new university. "Don't cancel my presentation," I hear my own voice, "I won't get another chance to make my case for a university." "Relena," Lady Une pleads. Her eyes dim. Her eyes always dim when she's worried. I never noticed, but Hilde told me, and now I always watch for it. "I will leave after my presentation," I bargain. I don't know why I'm so calm right now, but I am. "If you want to make that presentation, you need to go home and sleep," Lady Une reasons. "Fine. Duo is staying here, isn't he?" I turn to Heero. He nods. "Tell him to call me the moment Hilde's condition changes." Heero nods again in agreement, "I will take you home." He means he's going to be my bodyguard in Hilde's place. I don't want him to. I want Hilde to take me home... but that's childish. Hilde can't right now. Heero rides a motorcycle too, but he doesn't go as fast as Hilde. I wish he would go faster. The worst part is that I know Heero is trying to be considerate for me, he usually rides faster. Funny how he assumes I prefer a lower speed. My arms loosen slightly from his waist. His waist is broader than Hilde's, and he smells different. He smells like musk, but Hilde always smell like rain. I miss the smell. When we finally reach the mansion, it must be two or three in the morning. To my surprise, I fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Someone is softly shaking me. That's funny, Hilde never shakes me. She always wakes me by putting her hand on my neck. Her hands are always freezing in the morning so I would wake up immediately. When I open my eyes, Heero greets me instead of Hilde. I lie in my bed for a moment to remember last night's events. If Heero is here, then it couldn't have been a nightmare. "Any word from Duo?" I ask as I sit up from the bed. "No," Heero doesn't like to waste words, "You have thirty minutes before your presentation." He turns and leaves the room, I guess to give me privacy as I change into my white suit. Hilde always watches me when I change, but she's never seen me nude. Methodically, I put on my clothing, and wash my face. My morning is unusually silent. It takes me exactly fifteen minutes to get ready. As I walk out my door, my eyes fly to Hilde's door, half expecting her to bounce out of there. But it is Heero who greets me there. Heero doesn't smile. Hilde always smiles at me no matter what has happened. I guess Heero is saving his smiles for Duo. "Good luck," Heero tells me as we get to the forum. He starts walking away, to protect me from some unseen location no doubt. The crowd is already seated when I stand up to the podium to give my presentation. I had memorized it long ago, and as my mouth mechanically reciting the material, I found my eyes searching the crowd. Hilde always stood somewhere visible for a second in the beginning of my speech, so I know she's out there protecting me. Hilde would always smile and make a face at me to try to get me to break composure while in front of an audience. "...it takes nearly two hours to get to the nearest University from the central area." I hear my voice, but my mind is not there. I keep on thinking I should be feeling worse than I am, but all I feel is numb. When I finally finish, I realize I have not taken a shower since yesterday. I need to take a shower. I'm still really cold. I need a hot shower. Heero doesn't try to follow me into the shower like Hilde. And as I stand in front of the running water I suddenly remembered where I hid Hilde's birthday present. It's in the bottle of shampoo. Slowly, I unscrewed the lid of the bottle, and let a silver necklace fall out. I got Hilde a labryis. An ax used by the Amazon women who lived without men. I thought Hilde might like that. It's a symbol. it's a symbol of lesbian pride. The water burns my skin as tears free-fall from my face. I collapse on the tub crying. I haven't cried in three years, but the tears can not stop. As if I am made out of water, my tears just keeps on falling. God, why now? Why before I tell her? Hilde loves me. I know she does, I'm not so blind that I don't see the way she looks at me. It's the same way that I looked at Heero three years ago, except I didn't know what love was, and Hilde does. For three years, Hilde has protected me, cared for me, taught me and loved me. And in all those years, I have pretended I did not see that she loved me, but I can not pretend to not feel her love because she gives it so freely and she gives so much. And it took me three years to realize that I love her back. It's not some romantic fantasy of a prince on a white horse, but real love. Hilde told me once that when Lord Alfred Tennyson was asked what he thought was the most beautiful words in the English language he answered cellar door. Cellar door isn't beautiful because of what it is, but because of the way it sounds. And when you forget what the words represent, and listen to them, you realize how beautiful they are. That's what real love feels like. It's not some rose colored dream of love at first sight, but a plain simple feeling that runs so deep it makes you want to cry. And if I just forget to put up my walls, my feelings for Hilde pour on me like a waterfall. I love Hilde, and I want to wake up to her everyday. I want to go to sleep breathing in her scent. I want her to hold me when I sleep. I want to tell her that I love her and see her eyes light up. God I love her. Please don't take her away from me. Please don't die Hilde. Please don't die, I don't think I can live without you. "Please God... please." I sob loudly, "I'm so sorry for anything I might have done, but please please don't punish me by taking Hilde away. please." The door slide open and Heero walks in. suddenly I remember I didn't lock the door. I never lock the door... because I want Hilde to come in. I want her to... because... I want her. Heero sees me crying hysterically, but he says nothing as he turns off the water. He wraps me up in a big towel and carries me to my bed. Three years ago, I would have given anything to have him carry me like this, but now I would give anything for him not to be here, and for Hilde to be okay. "Get dressed, we are going back to the hospital," Heero informs me. "Hilde." I cry desperately. "Her condition has stablized." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heero coerced the doctors into letting me in Hilde's room. She's still sleeping, but Duo and Heero both promise me that she's going to wake up soon. She's so pale and fragile looking. She wouldn't like the way she looks at all. Gently, I take her hand into my own. As if awakened by my touch, Hilde opens her eyes. "I can get use to waking up to you," Hilde smiles. She always smiles for me, no matter what, "Your eyes are puffy. Did you cry?" "Hilde," I put my hands over her lips. I need to tell her now before anything else... ...before I lose the courage to do it. "Hilde, I love you," I say word by word. Hilde stares at me, her expression unreadable. "When you say 'I love you'." Hilde begin carefully, "What exactly do." I stop her as I try to kiss her. Unfortunately, it's my first attempt and I bump into her nose. "I." I try to explain, but Hilde's lips somehow find mine, and I am silenced.
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