Tahlea was going to miss the garden. The profusion of green, growing things, the beauty of flowers and the practicality of herbs made her happy in a way that the cold stone of the Silver Star Tower and the alchemical fires of her father's lab could not. Yet at the same time she found herself missing the Magic Academy. While it did not have many things that the Blan-Virgine residence held, it possessed that nebulous quality known as home, that sense of a place where one's soul fitted.
Perhaps Professor Gammel can help start a garden like this at home, she thought. It would be a comfort to many of the Glamour familiars that had been summoned there. If Father recommended it...
She was caught up in her plans when the dull tread of feet in the path drew her attention. Tahlea turned, and was shocked to see the drooping figure of her father entering the small clearing. Misery was self-evident on the leonine face; his entire body seemed to be weighed down by some massive burden.
"Father, what's wrong?" burst from her lips at once; before she could even think of the words she'd already said them.
"I've failed," he said, his voice dull. "I've failed her again. As a creator, as a father, now even as an alchemist, I've failed her in every way."
There as no need to ask whom he meant. Tahlea took his hand, holding the big, ungainly paw between hers.
"Is it the experiments, Father? I thought they were going well."
He nodded.
"So did I. So did Lillet." He glanced around, noted a nearby stone bench, and dropped to it rather than sat. "Our fundamental theory was perfect. As you know, we were able to produce perfectly healthy litters of baby mice that express the traits of two females and not the male that contributed the seed. So long as one has access to a master alchemist--the Rune is both difficult and complex, beyond the ability of most to learn or cast--it is possible for two women to have a natural child of their own."
"Then what's wrong? That sounds like a great discovery!"
"It is, it is...but it neglects a fundamental consideration when we apply it to our specific goal. A mouse is not a dog, a dog is not a man. This method transcends...no, subverts would be a better word...the need for the male gender. It says nothing to the problem of species."
"Species? Then, do you mean your method failed because Amoretta isn't human like Lillet?"
He sighed heavily.
"Yes, exactly. When we attempted to conform the elements of heredity in human seed to those within Amoretta, it failed. Indeed, I cannot even be certain that a homunculus possesses those elements. Her biology and yours were created through magic, conforming externally to the idea of a perfect female form, but God creates internally, building up from the smallest piece of matter to the largest so that each time we believe we have plumbed the depths of a natural process we find another operating within it. You are not only a different order of life, but one founded on utterly different principles.
"And so again I fail her!"
With sudden anger he beat his fist on his muscular thigh.
"Am I cursed for my folly? Is this God's punishment on me for my supreme arrogance?" He raised his face to the sky. "I tore an angel's spirit from Heaven and sought to know the secrets of God. How is mine not the sin of Adam?"
"Father!" Tahlea snapped sharply. He flinched as her voice struck him, then turned to her. She sat down beside him, resting her hand on his broad shoulder. "Stop it. Even I know better than that."
"Tahlea?"
"Whatever you've done, whatever mistakes you've made, the things that separate you from Amoretta are the mistakes of a person. Why, I volunteered to let you use my spirit as the core for this new life you've made for me. How do you know it wasn't the same for the angel within Amoretta? I know her well enough now to know that she isn't unhappy in her present existence any more than I am."
It seemed so obvious to her. The problems Father had with Amoretta were not made by the alchemist but by the man. She hadn't understood the issues at first because her perspective had been so different and limited, but in coming to know Amoretta and building a bond with her she had been able to appreciate where Father had gone wrong.
"It isn't just you, either," she went on. "Amoretta isn't perfect. She's a person like you or me. I don't see why she holds it against you that you made me before trying to repair your relationship with her. If you hadn't tried at all that would be different, but she's wrong in thinking you had to experiment with love before putting it into practice with her." She thought a bit, then added, "And even if you did put this theory to the test with me, isn't that just a compliment to her? That you recognized that it was important to know your own feelings and what they were capable of before taking a chance on hurting her further?" She shook her head firmly. "It's not just you. She was hurt badly by the man you were, so she can't fully see you for the man that you are the way I can."
"Tahlea..." His yellow-amber eyes brimmed with emotion. "I...I don't know what to say..."
She took his hand between hers again and smiled.
"I just don't want to see you blaming yourself for more than is your fault."
He smiled at her.
"When did you get so clever?"
"Well, I have had nearly a month to think things over," she pointed out.
"A month? Then Amoretta talked to you about what she said to me?"
Tahlea blushed faintly.
"Actually I...was listening at the door."
"Then, have you expressed these sentiments to her already?"
Tahlea shook her head.
"No, I don't have the right to pass judgment on her. If she asks I'll tell her my opinion, but...we're not close enough yet for me to intrude on something so private."
"Ah, but you and I are?"
"Yes, exactly," she agreed, beaming. "You're my father."
He smiled at her and squeezed her hand.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome?"
The alchemist chuckled softly.
"You are a great comfort to me, Tahlea, not for your words alone but also that you give me hope for myself." He took a deep breath. "Nonetheless, the fact remains that I have a great deal to make up to Amoretta, and if she takes things too strongly from me, then it is because she has suffered from my neglect before."
Tahlea didn't answer; her father was right and she didn't want to make things worse by reaffirming it.
"No, the truth is that she has a claim on me, one I badly want to repay. I was hoping that by helping her to have a child with Lillet, I might balance the scales somewhat."
"To bring her a special and unique happiness?"
"As I once brought her an equally unique form of suffering," he agreed.
"I didn't--" Didn't I? She was on her father's side, but that didn't mean being blind to his mistakes. It was so easy for Tahlea to sympathize with her sister, understanding the nature of what she'd endured in a way that not even Lillet and Chartreuse could. But she also recognized how the father she knew wasn't the same man as he'd once been. She wanted the two of them to resolve their differences, not keep hurting each other because the past made their present interactions clumsy and full of ill feelings.
"Father," she began again, "I know that you want to help Amoretta. Is there no way that you can overcome this problem?"
He shook his head.
"Alchemy is the science of manipulating the natural laws. In God's creation, those laws work together to create the environment of the entire world, from the sun's light to the wind and weather to the biology of living things. Alchemy focuses on certain particular parts of those laws to gain an advantage or achieve a goal for the alchemist, but it does not necessarily cause a creation that fits well with the world as a whole. Most alchemical creations are excellent at one specific thing--better than can be found in nature--but deeply flawed in other ways."
Tahlea had heard variations on the same speech many times in the past, but did not quite understand its relevance.
"Yes, Father?" she prompted.
"Ah, I was not particularly clear, was I? What I mean to say is just that Amoretta, like you, is simply incompatible with the concept of reproduction. Creatures in nature, plants and animals both, always have a way to produce further generations, but a homunculus's mere existence is a marvel all on its own. Not only must any solution to the problem transcend the basic issue of gender, and the further difficulty of species, but the fundamental nature of a homunculus as a one-time creation of magic, complete in and of itself. I simply cannot imagine how to overcome that basic reality."
"I see."
The idle thought drifted through Tahlea's mind that she might one day be placed in Amoretta's position. If she ever found a romantic love for herself, would she want children? It wasn't impossible. Though in Amoretta's case she believed that it was Lillet who truly yearned for a baby and that Amoretta was neither particularly in favor of nor against it on her own behalf. Even so, knowing her own nature as well as her sister's, it was easy for Tahlea to believe the elder homunculus was deeply hurt by this failure.
"The best thing I ever did for Amoretta," Chartreuse reported, "was to allow her to live her own life as a person outside the lab. I had wanted to help with this project especially because it would mean helping to fulfill the dreams of that life."
"What do you mean?"
He looked a bit embarrassed at that. It was quite remarkable, Tahlea thought, how his very inhuman face could so convey shades of human emotion. Then again, he was the first face she had learned to read in her short existence.
"It's pride, I think...a pride I didn't even realize that I was feeling until now, when faced with failure."
"Pride, Father?"
"The pride of self-justification. Do you see? The more she thrives in her life with Lillet, the easier it is for me to think, 'See? This is where she belongs. I was right to let her go.' And...the easier it is to dismiss my own guilt on how I'd wronged her by saying that she could never be that happy or fulfilled with me--that even though I'd been wrong in my actions, I'd brought about the right results."
"But that isn't just pride. You want Amoretta to be happy. You've never wanted anything different from her. Even the person you used to be, the one I've never known, always wanted that but just didn't know how to understand what she needed. That isn't the same thing as you're saying at all!"
"I wish I could agree with you, but..." he replied, his voice heavy.
Tahlea let out her breath with a sharp, frustrated sound.
"Stop it! You've always been a good father to me from the day I was created. You aren't the kind of person who could be so selfish. You've been here working hard for nearly a month not because of pride but because you wanted to help Amoretta." Well, and because it's a fascinating intellectual problem, but I won't mention that right now. Tahlea did not quite have her sister's fierce devotion to complete honesty. "And Lillet is a colleague and former student, isn't she? So you wanted to do something nice for her as well. You didn't have bad motives and you didn't do anything wrong. Things just didn't work out."
He smiled at her.
"Thank you, Tahlea. I...I'm glad I came to talk to you. You've been a great comfort to me."
"I love you, Father," she said simply, and it was true. Just because her nature made her dependent on his love didn't mean that she didn't love him back. She let go of his hand, wrapped her arms around his shoulders as far as they'd go, and squeezed. "I don't want to see you hurt and blaming yourself when you tried as hard as you could."
"When I..." he murmured, almost inaudibly. Then suddenly, loudly, he exclaimed "Ha!" and struck his thigh with his palm, the sharp crack making Tahlea squeak in surprise. "Thank you, Tahlea!"
"For what?" She was initially nervous because of his sudden change in demeanor, but quickly realized that it wasn't anger or bitterness in his face and tone. He was excited, even energized.
"For what you said--that we'd tried as hard as we could. Because of course that is exactly what we haven't done. The subject was personal for me and intensely so for Lillet. We encountered a major problem, yes--even an outright failure of our first breakthrough theory. But we have not yet tried to overcome that obstacle. We surrendered to emotion, and in doing so lost our way."
"But it's only natural to--"
"True, it is natural," he agreed. "But it isn't efficient or rational. Lillet's goals and my goals both spring from emotional needs." He gestured with an upraised index finger, slipping unconsciously into the mode of a lecturer. "The problem itself, though, is not emotional, as compared to the problems I faced with you and Amoretta. For the two of you, your emotional needs are as vital to your existence as your physical ones; love affects the outcome. But for Lillet's difficulties, love only informs the problem. She wishes for a child out of love, and to be a good mother love is necessary, but the obstacles to conception are a purely technical issue to overcome. Rather than falling prey to despair at encountering failure, we must analyze that failure and overcome it. If anything, the emotion should give us a greater drive, a stronger determination to achieve a solution!"
Tahlea smiled, suppressing a giggle. It was so cute, the way Chartreuse was analyzing the impact of his own emotions and discussing them like they were the ingredients in a new chimera formula. His naivete about some matters she found charming, although probably not in a way that he wished to hear.
But she was happy, really happy that he'd gotten over his bout of self-reproach. Tahlea had no idea if his renewed efforts would be in any way successful, but it gave her hope, hope for Lillet and Amoretta's baby but also hope that this renewed determination might also extend towards the division between her sister and her father.
Chartreuse surprised her again, by reaching out and giving her a quick, impulsive hug.
"Thank you, Tahlea. It...it's nice to have someone I can turn to," he said in tones of wonderment. She smiled back and kissed the tip of his nose.
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