Waiting
I love you, you idiot.
I love you so damn much...
I thought you loved me, too.
But now I can see the truth... It was *his* arms you were running to,
not mine. You came back for *him*. Not me.
You never really cared for me at all, did you??
Miaka, you piece of *shit*; how could you *do* this to me!? We were
*friends*!! Even if you don't love me as I love you, couldn't you at
least have *cared*!?
But you... you *do* care... Don't you?
You've always cared. I *know* you've always cared... You wanted for
us to stay together just as badly as I did...
So why this now? Why this... this *betrayal*??
You *love* me, Goddamnit!! I know you love me; I *know* it!! You were
always finding ways to keep the two of us together, even if it got
you into trouble.. And whenever you needed to cry, whose shoulder did
you run to? *Mine*. You ran to *me*, Goddamnit, not some stupid
*guy*. Because you knew you could trust me more than anyone, knew
that I cared for you more than anyone.
I knew that if I just waited long enough, you'd find out...
You loved me; you just didn't *know* it yet: that's why you never
told me.
Yes, I'm... I'm *sure* of it.
So why?
Why *him*? Why him and not *me*??
They... They did such *horrible* things to me. My mind couldn't stand
the things they did to me; it turned itself right off. But I knew.
When I woke up and saw the look on Nakago-sama's face, I *knew* what
they had done to me.
And *still* you came for him instead of me!!
I screamed and I screamed for you and when you came it was *him* you
came to see!!!!
In all my feverish dreams afterward, I dreamt you came for me, that
it was not Nakago-sama who rescued me, but you. And in your arms I
was safe.
But when I awoke, your arms were not around me. I was left cold, and
scared, and alone. I called for you until my throat bled and still
you wouldn't come... I thrashed and yelled even when they came to
calm me down; and every time I heard their footsteps running in the
halls I would hope for them to be yours. And when it was never you, I
would cry myself blind. I couldn't stop no matter how it hurt, so
they would put drugs in me to calm me down and hold me tight, so
tight that it hurt even more, and still I would beg and beg and pray
that you would come for me, until the drugs set in and I could speak
no more.
Even when I tried to take my life, you didn't come. When my blood
splattered on the floor, I knew you had to hear it calling for you
louder than my screams.. And when my tears followed it, I knew that
you weren't listening.
I wished so much for death, but death just wouldn't come.
I'll keep waiting, though.
Like you, death is bound to come back to me someday. I just hope it
doesn't betray me like you did.
When you threw your arms around me, I thought at last my prayers had
been answered. I wanted so much to hate you for all the pain you'd
put me through, but somehow...
I couldn't.
I just *couldn't*.
For a time, I even wondered if maybe you were innocent... I thought
that maybe, somehow, we had been separated, that it wasn't your fault
you didn't hear my cries. You just seemed so happy to see me, and so
oblivious, not even noticing the scar across my wrist which I felt
you had as good as put there yourself. You ran to me and embraced me,
just like old times. And I forgave you.
I *forgave* you.
All the thoughts that Nakago-sama had poured into my head
disappeared; I just wanted to run off with you, go back to the way
things used to be.
And to think.. I used to believe *I* was the smart one.
Of *course* it was all a fantasy. Of *course* it wasn't *I* who you
wanted to see.
The moment I left you two alone, you showed your true feelings.
I don't know why I was so surprised.
He's a good looking guy and you're an insecure little girl. It
wouldn't take much for him to win you over, I imagine. All you would
need is a few encouraging words, and...
Oh, *damn* it all.
I don't give a shit *what* sweet nothings he's been whispering in
your ear!! *I*'m the one who loves you!!!
*ME*!!!
What can I do to make you see this!?! God *damn* it!! If only I had
been more open with you... Maybe then you could see how much I love
you, how much you mean to me..
I *can't* let him take you!! Not after I've been waiting for so very
long... I don't care how much he thinks he loves you, if he even
thinks he loves you at all! He could *never* love you as much as I
do; this I *know*!!
You... You have to see...
You've always been a good, loyal friend. What if you had to choose
between us? Would you choose friendship over that which you foolishly
call love?
Would you see how friendship can turn into love?
Damn, I wish I had an answer..
Please, please, Miaka-chan, give me an answer, *please*...
I can't stop bleeding, Miaka-chan...
I can't stop bleeding and I can't stop crying and I can't stop
screaming for you...
Please end my pain.
Please.
I'm waiting for you, Miaka-chan...
But I don't think I can wait much longer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
(Legal Disclaimer: The characters and situations of Fushigi Yuugi
belong to Watase Yu and, uh, E. Monsoon Studios, I think. I'm just
messing them up beyond belief. You know. That thing.)
(Author's Note: This was written kind of early in the morning. I'm
tired. Please don't hurt me. Oh, and if you want to put this fic up
on your site, or just want to talk about anime lesbians, please email
me. Don't be afraid.)
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