Letting Go
I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel.
Those three words are said too much, but not enough.
If I lay here,
If I just lay here...
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
- Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol
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She covered the beautiful smile and laughed, sweetly, into the air so it
chimed, shivered and devoured everything she could ever give. Her hand
was making a sign of ‘okay', fingers bent as her brilliant eyes widened
in delight, mirroring the laughter and the joy. Behind her, far as the
eye could see, the sunset spilled over the grassy plain and lit her up,
lit her up and set aflame, the angel who bothered to walk close to
others on this forgotten, forsaken world.
I drink too much.
I sleep too much.
I don't know what to say, or what to do. They all keep moving they all
keep going; they don't know how to stop doing what it is they do. What
is that, they do, anyway? Save the world?
Bullshit.
What's there to save anymore?
It's a little cold, it's a little empty, and it's a little too dark to
find my way.
So as the light in the bathroom flickers on and off, off and on with
monotonous repetition, I find myself tracing the cracks and creases on
the ceiling, of the welded joints and impressions of rivets burned into
the thick metal that is this ship. I find myself looking for your ghost
where I shouldn't see it and hoping I can find some comfort. The bed is
a tangled mess of covers and I lie here, sprawled, wondering where my
next drink will come from the take the edge of the pain of knowing. The
pain of being here, without you.
Always without you, from now on.
The lumps in the pillow are better for your head, not mine. You wanted
to see the world skim by from a ship, way up high, way up where this god
damned world isn't so ugly and isn't so frightening, where they don't
have a chance of holding you down and clipping those beautiful wings.
So we...
"Come on, come see this."
It's Barrett. He thinks he's being a help and not a hindrance. I want to
pull my shoe off and let it clang on the door. Maybe he'd go away.
"You should go and see it," your eyes and smile are there as you bend
your head. No impression left on the bed, but softly I know there is
pressure. I know there is something. Please, don't let this be madness
or drink, let this not be the numbness I've fought off for far too long.
So I groan and pull myself from the bed, I don't even bother to look
into the mirror as I stumble blearily to the door and assume the poise,
the image of someone who isn't being dragged under by their demons and
by their angel.
By my angel, that's you, you know.
I brush back my hair and quickly check myself for the scent of liquor, a
quick spray of some deodorant and then I toss the can back: it's almost
empty; I'll pick another up and continue living this lie for them. Out
into the corridor, Yuffie is wandering past, holding her stomach.
Who would have thought, she still hasn't gotten over her travel
sickness. It's even worse in the air. She doesn't see me, taking a
direct line to the forward aft, to the bridge where they'll all be
gawping out of the window like landed fish.
"Not a nice thought," you chide, waving a finger.
Hair like broken gold, smile like heaven and that laugh shimmering you
are running ahead of me. Where do you get the energy from?
I follow anyway, I am used to following by now, I am used to being steps
behind others. The stairs up are a little cramped and somehow I make it
to the bridge where they all wear their masks so well, they all say
their pretty little lines and keep telling themselves that tomorrow,
it'll be so much brighter. Outside I can see the green dancing and the
fading forever as the meteor is pushed away.
"Lifestream," I mutter, "What is that?"
But I know.
"I thought I should help out a little."
Haven't you done enough?
Haven't we asked enough of you already, little flower?
You wilted and died for us.
What did we do? What have we done until now? What have...? I done, until
now?
I collapse against the side of the ship and rub a hand on my side,
feeling a bit sick and just watching them, all laughing, all singing,
and all dancing. Great, celebrate, throw a party. But you've all
forgotten why we were able to get this far. Why we even got so far as we
did. Your smiles are all faked, that's what they are. Faked and rotting.
My hand brushes the only thing I could keep of yours.
"It's a pretty colour, you know, bright, alive. I like that, the life in
it."
Irony, irony, irony; and there is Life cackling away and out of your
reach. You tried to hold on and I tried to pin it down and throttle it
for you. I would do, I would throttle it again just so you could stand
at my shoulder and say;
"Oh, but that's not how it should be."
All too soon we part ways, looking for the remnants of what we were a
remnant to begin with. They all go, until I am left with my remnant of a
past I almost forget, I wish I cold forget. And with you, always with
you at my shoulder, angel, laughing softly with sparkling eyes.
We return there, to Nibelheim. Because we have nowhere else we can go,
or would want to go. Nibelheim is... was our home. Outside, at the edge
of this world I used to belong to, I say; "This is how it all turns
out."
"At least, we can rest."
"Rest. Yes."
And I sleep too much again.
I sleep and dream. Or... am I already dreaming? When I wake then, you
are alive, you are real and you hold me and tug me along, laughing, so
nothing I ever did hurts me, so I don't see the blood or the hate or the
terrible sharp pains in my chest. There are flowers and such brilliant
sky and with your soft voice you would say.
"You'll love it here, I'll wait for you."
I wish you didn't always have to keep waiting for us.
I wish...
So one starry night, I go to this well that still remains in the centre
of town and sit there, swinging my legs. Before I know it, there is
something else. You are beside me, swinging your legs and laughing with
me, stars in your soul.
"Thank you," your voice tells me, whispers.
"I'm sorry."
I want to cry, because touching you here, it just isn't enough. It'll
never be enough. Do you understand that? Do you understand how broken
and alone I feel without you? But you don't, tilting your beautiful head
and smiling that heavenly smile, you just look at me, through me to my
heart and unlock it, break it, keep it. Keep it, alright? You stole it
long ago, anyway.
"I always wanted a hero."
"Who doesn't? I wanted to do so much more, Aeris... I'm so sorry..."
"You did enough. You did more than enough. I'm the one who's sorry."
I am crying, finally, broken that dam of emotion and torrential floods
of tears are forecast. I cover my eyes and cannot cover my ears, as cool
lips are pressed to my cheek, I cannot cut out your song, your voice. I
cannot.
...so I drink too much.
I drink too much more than simply, too much.
Each volatile spirit drink is a new best friend and I cradle them to me,
knowing their names and knowing their cocktail mixtures, each one
perfected in it's own right and together we while away the evenings,
while away the hours. While away my life, because from that moment on, I
wasn't living, I was going through the motions, the tired, pallid, sick
motions.
Blurs of faces, blurs of feelings, I don't care anymore. I'm stuck on
the merry go round of in and out, of sleep, drink and half insanity that
is my life.
Each morning I wake and think of you until the moment I drown myself,
hoping never to wake.
But I wake.
And you'd say: "Because one of us has to go on living."
Is this living?
This bed, it's all rumpled and broken, with lumps in the pillow where
your pretty head should be and my life filled with empty holes where you
would have been by my side, and I could have told you anything, and
everything.
I loved too much.
Cool lips and touches, and with that verdant smile in your equally
perfect eyes, you say, "You never said, but I always knew. I love you
too, Tifa."
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Together, always together.
Both beautiful, both perfectly imperfect in their own way.
One, tall with dark hair like a river of midnight, a heart shaped face
and dark claret coloured eyes, struck with the stars she looked up at,
pleasant smile on her lips and the way she reached over and took the
hand of the other spoke only of the deepest love.
Two, petite and slender in comparison to the darker girl, dressed in a
drenching wave of pink and red. Her hair the tone of golden sugar,
browned just nicely and her skin tanned with the love of the outdoors,
but the exquisitely beautiful face contained a warm smile and brilliant
eyes of the most fascinating sea green, alive, so alive.
She held the hand back tightly, knowing that this night would never come
again; she'd never have these moments again. This time would pass. It
would all pass.
Tifa turned her head to the side and looked across at Aeris, her eyes
filled with a flood of tears as she murmured, "Just... just lie here
with me, and forget the world, always."
They never said it aloud to each other, but it was always there. Like
the unseen ghost of the heart, it was always there and Aeris gripped the
hand tighter.
"I'll stay, as long as I can, for you."
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