Ruby and Emerald (part 7 of 9)

She felt herself slipping, falling, tumbling toward an edge she didn't expect. It was wrong. It wasn't expected. Things weren't supposed to be this way. She was losing control. She needed her control. To fall would cause pain. To cause pain would be to fail. To fail was unacceptable. Things were supposed to be safe with these people. She chose them because with the personalities already on board, she could slip to the background and be overlooked. She could be safe. Her partner was going to be a woman, nothing should happen, right? Who'd pay attention to the normal Spiran woman in the background when you could instead clamor for an interview with one of the High Summoners former Guardians? And even better, later on, the High Summoner herself? Safe, that's what it was supposed to be.

Then dreams began. Golden hair haunting her thoughts. The gradual longing for closeness. Pushed aside with snide comments, 'serious' teasing, forcing her face not to smile. Safe. It was meant to be safe.

Things were not going to plan. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. She didn't want to feel like this. She thought that she couldn't feel like this, not since...

What made her feel like this? It was her fault. It had to be. Constantly poking, constantly prying, constantly trying to be there. Chipping at her facade, trying to break through. It was her fault, the thief. Of course, that's what it was. It was her fault, she wasn't weak. The conversation in the cabin, that was a momentary lapse of reason, thats what it was. The feelings when she fell, it was just concern for a friend, it had to be.

Right?

That's all it had to be. Then why wasn't she believing herself when she told herself the truth, that it was just a bit of temporary insanity brought on by the stress? Why couldn't she accept it?

Just a momentary lapse of reason.

That's what it had to be.

Once the ship reached Besaid, once everyone had a chance to calm down, once she was out of the stuffy cabin air and back into the fresh sea air on the island, then things would clear. Then things would calm. Then she'd stop falling. Then she'd be back in control. Then she'd not feel it anymore. Clarity would return, the dreams would stop, the edge would go away, solid ground would return.

She hoped.