Thanatos
I can’t be late for my first meeting with Dr. Akagi, thought Maya Ibuki. I’m
going to look so stupid if I say I’d gotten lost in NERV headquarters. She
looked at her hand computer. “Hmm, it’s telling me I should go to the poolroom.”
She opened the door to the room. She stepped inside to see a vast pool and
Ritsuko swimming in a form fitting one-piece. Ritsuko saw her and swam over to
her. "Hi," Ritsuko said. "You must be Maya Ibuki, my new assistant." Was her
smile a little coquettish, thought Maya.
"Yes, Dr. Akagi." She turned quickly away; embarrassed by the way her heart was
beating. I'm being silly, she thought, Dr. Akagi may be the best polymath
specialist in the world, but you shouldn't let your excitement take control even
if it's a major honor to work with her. She must like cool, logical people. She
swallowed and turned around.
"I like to swim every morning. It clears my head before work. You should try
it," Ritsuko said as she stepped out of the pool. "Go to the computer room. I'll
be there in half an hour."
She's beautiful, thought Maya. Oh, what am I thinking? "Ah, yes, Dr. Akagi!"
"Why don't you call me Ritsuko?"
"That’s too informal!" she protested. How can I just call her by her first name?
She thought. "How about Sempai?"
Ritsuko looked amused, she had a wonderful smile. "Sure. I actually like it."
She had gone off to the computer room and waited. The woman who came into that
room seemed an altogether different woman, cool, professional, brilliant, even a
little mysterious behind those glasses that caught the glare of the lights above
them. She gave a short overview of the project, then explained what they were
going to do in terms that stretched her knowledge to its limits. This person,
Maya thought, was like a well-cut diamond, sharp and clear, but depending on
what light she's under, showing new and interesting aspects.
This first meeting had been several years before the Angels came. It had been in
the early fall, but that word had lost its meaning in this world of eternal
summer. She was introduced to the rest of the staff including Hyuuga and
Shigeru, who were nice men that mother would probably enjoy having over, but she
had no special feelings for them.
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It had taken weeks of having her heart speed up whenever Ritsuko was in the
room, a wonderful giddiness and an excited nervousness for her to finally admit
that she felt more than just simple admiration. Watching Ritsuko work and
theorize made her feel like she was in the same room as Einstein, Steven
Hawking, and Enrico Fermi all at the same time. But at the same time, there was
something else. It had taken an overheard conversation between Ritsuko and Gendo
to fully realize the depth of her feelings.
She had forgotten a disk in Ritsuko's office and had opened the office door to
get it, when she heard this:
“You didn’t show up at the bar last night.”
“I had to take Rei to bathe in LCL.”
“You didn’t even bother to call. I waited for you for an hour. You’re such a
pig.” Ritsuko sounded like she was about to cry.
“I think you’re forgetting who is Commander!”
She scuttled away from there as quickly as possible, feeling a mixture of
embarrassment and indignation. How dare he treat Sempai like that, she thought.
Does that man know whom he’s talking to? She deserves better treatment than
that. I wouldn’t stomp all over her feelings, I’d . . . Then she stopped right
in the middle of that statement. I’d . . . love her.
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The Christmas party that year had been at a karaoke bar. Hyuuga, Shigeru,
Katsuragi, and some of the support staff showed up, but Ritsuko had declined.
She would've declined too, but Ritsuko had told her that she should have fun..
Even without Ritsuko, it had been somewhat fun. Amazingly enough, Hyuuga-kun
tried to rap, which nearly knocked Misato off her chair with laughter, not that
she needed that much help considering the fact that she'd had drunk a big
Sapporo bottle. Misato had gone up and sang, "I did it my way," while most
people did the obligatory pop ballads.
When it was her turn, she shook her head out of embarrassment. Shigeru kept
gently pushing her, saying, "We made fools out of ourselves, not it's your
turn."
She leafed through the song selection and found the one she wanted. "I want to
sing 'Thanatos.'"
She got up and began to sing, her voice a little shaky.
"Now it's time, I fear to tell
I've been holding it back so long
But something strange deep inside of me is happening
I feel unlike I've ever felt
And it's making me scared
That I may not be what I think I am.”
Then she saw Ritsuko walk in the door and nearly gasped, but she couldn't stop
singing. Then she decided to sing the song the best she could, with as much
meaning as she could.
"What of us, what do I say
Are we both from a different world
Cause every breath that I take, I breathe it for you
I couldn't face my life without you.
And I'm so afraid. There's nothing to comfort us
What am I, if I can't be yours?”
She noticed Ritsuko looking up at her and smile. She felt that tightening in her
chest.
“I don't sleep, don't feel a thing And my senses have all but gone Can't even
cry from the pain, can't shed a tear now I realize we're not the same And it's
making me sad Cause we can't fulfill our dreams in this life.”
She saw the members of the Christmas party looking up at her with something like
stunned admiration. She felt a tear go down her face.
“So I must, let us break free I can never be what you need If there was a way
through the hurt, Then I would find it I'd take the blow; yes I would fight it
But this is the one, impossible dream to live What am I, if I can't be yours?”
The song ended and she jumped off the stage and back to her seat. There was
applause from the rest of the audience, not just the group from NERV. Shigeru
turned to her and said, "Maya, you didn't tell me you could sing."
"I don't really," she said.
Ritsuko walked up to her and said, "It's just like you to do something amazing
from nowhere. One of these days, you should make me a tape of that song."
Hyuuga teased her saying, "Now we've got an idol singer in NERV."
Maya hid her face behind her hands.
"Maya," scolded Ritsuko, "Stop hiding that face, you'll never get anyone if you
keep doing that."
Maya put her hands down, but flushed instead. “I thought you weren’t coming to
the Christmas party.”
Ritsuko took out a cigarette and lit up. One of the habits I wish she’d give up,
Maya thought. Ritsuko took a puff, then said, “I decided that I should see the
debut of Maya the idol singer.”
Maya was the only one who could see the redness in her Sempai’s eyes that
indicated she’d been crying. “Sempai, stay for a while. “
“Yeah, Ritsuko,” said Misato. “Sing a song.”
Ritsuko stubbed out her cigarette. “I can’t sing.”
“Sempai, just one song.”
“OK, one.”
Ritsuko flipped through the songbook then began singing, “Fly Me to the Moon.”
Maya jerked her head up and heard:
“Fly me to the moon
and let me play among the stars
Let me see what Spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand!
In other words, darling kiss me”
“Fill my heart with song
and let me sing forevermore
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true!
In other words, I love you!”
Tears began to stream down Maya’s face. “Oi,” said Shigeru. “Why are you
crying?”
“I’m crying?” said Maya. She touched the moisture on her face. “It’s just that.
. .” Then she realized he would never understand, so she said, “It’s just that
Sempai is so good at everything, even singing.”
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