Shell of Lies
We are so good at lying to ourselves. That’s maybe the most valuable and
only lesson that my mother, caught in her own madness, managed to teach
me.
I just pretend to be a normal girl. That’s so easy. Eck, I’m so good at
it that I’m the most popular girl at school. Quite an irony, isn’t it? I
even have ‘friends’. I know that I scare them, though. They have
glimpsed my fury. I must admit that it pleases me, it helps me to
believe that I’m alive. No, that’s not quite that, it just relieves me
to see that I have some impact on their lives, even if it’s silly, even
if it’s ever so brief... Why does it relieve me? I don’t know, but it
does. So, I just keep on doing it...
A normal girl would socialise, wouldn’t she? Then I do. Chatting about
silly things, like crushes about some boys... Ha! The world’s crumbling
for God’s sake! Now, I suppose you’d ask me what is left to mankind but
love? Tssk! Another illusion! Let’s face it, when has mankind
distinguished itself with love? We are all only looking for some kind of
special attention, even commander Ikari. We can’t stand to be on our
own. It forces us to introspection. We are so keen on this search that
we fool ourselves. We don’t love the others, we love the reflection of
our desires in them. We love chimeras. Surely, it has to be the biggest
joke of the universe, because if our expectations are not met...
But even as I say this, I am no exception. I still crave for it. How
pityful!
We only see what we want to see. A shell.
I wonder, is there anything else to see? I used to think that my
feelings, my tears were what make me human. I used to think that if I
remained angry long enough, I could forget my fears. I used to think
that being an Eva pilot gave me a purpose, gave a sense to my life. So I
threw myself eagerly in the fights. But when the fury leaves me, there’s
nothing else than emptiness inside of me.
Even the angels have more purpose than me.
Even Rei has more purpose than me.
I guess that what iritates me so much in her, is that she doesn’t feel
compelled to pretend. Or maybe I admire her. She dares to ask herself
the questions that I keep burying, in fear of the answers. It’s what
makes her so strong. She probably deserves more the title as human being
than any of us, just for this reason. Why does she affect me so much?
Oh, well, ‘probably too late to begin to question myself.
Yes, she fascinates me. Why did you think I call her ‘wonder girl’? Not
because she reminds me of my mother’s dolls, even if I say the contrary
(frankly, they didnt even come close to her lack of expression). If I
just wanted to insult her, I assure you I could do much better. No, she
really fascinates me. Like a black hole is fascinating, like life is
fascinating, like a car accident is... Nothing seems to be able to touch
her, and yet, sometimes I ask myself, does she notice us? Does she care?
The world seems to twist around her. One can’t help but to be drawn to
her. I just know she will be at the core of everything.
It’s both terrifying and beautiful.
When the time comes, where will I be? Will I be aknowledged?
Oh, I forgot... Emptiness has no voice, it just is... I have nothing to
claim. No right to do so.
I am so weak... I disgust myself!.
I don’t think the others notice. All they see is the fiery and loud
demeanor, the hot temper. They think I’m just an arrogant, little brat.
That’s as well like that. I don’t want to let them in.
I don’t want them to look past it.
To discover what I really am.
To discover there’s nothing but cold, murderous rage behind it.
Rei only has seen right through my walls, and I have already been
judged.
Sometimes, I think that my mother would have done me a favor in killing
me, if she hadn’t confused me with this stupid doll. I have become a
puppet, Nerv’s puppet...
Oh, I hate myself so much!
So, why am I still there? Why don’t I hang myself like she did?
I wouldn’t say that I didn’t consider it. But I can’t. Because I’m a
coward. Just like Shinji. Some primal part of me doesn’t want to give up
just yet.
Is it that, to be human? To rebel? To cling even when it’s hopeless? Ha,
but is it really relevant to be ‘human’?
Shinji... We are so much alike on the inside, he and I. We don’t really
have anything to fight for, except this need to feel needed, to be
recognised. We are both driven by our own terrors. Is it why we were
chosen? Did they purposely turned us into this? If yes, I want a chance
to retaliate.
Maybe it is finally more courageous to stay and face... whatever is to
come.
Anyway, what would be the point in committing suicide? I know I will die
soon. To precipit it would be like cheating. That would be too easy, too
easy to play the victim. It wouldn’t solve anything. That would be my
last failure, and I hate to lose. I’m so scared, but I know I still have
a role to play and I want to see the end of it all. I know it will be
soon...
Maybe I’ll find something to like in this world, in me, then...
Yellow bird flying get shot in the wing good year for hunters
and Christmas parties and I hate and I hate and I hate and I
hate elevator music the way we fight the way I’m left here
silent oh these little earthquakes here we go again these little
earthquakes doesn’t take much to RIP us into pieces we danced in
graveyards with vampires till dawn we laughed in the faces of
kings never afraid to burn and I hate and I hate and I hate and
I hate disintegration watching us wither black winged roses that
safely changed their COLOR I can’t reach you I can’t reach you
give me life give me pain give me myself again...
(Tori Amos, Little Earthquakes)
The end
AN: Anger is truly an amazing thing, there’re so many shades... It can
be so blinding.
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