A Last Change for Happiness
Ritsuko Akagi finished the last of her drink and quickly ordered
another. It was shaping up to be that sort of night. As the barman was
fetching it, Ritsuko took a look around the bar. There was still no sign
of her. She hoped she had the right place – the other two bridge techs
were sure that she usually came here. It had taken a bit of subtle
questioning, but Ritsuko had eventually gotten the information she
needed without arousing too much suspicion. It was a small bar outside
Tokyo-3 – it had escaped the widespread destruction of Unit-00, and was
still open. That wasn't too surprising, thought Ritsuko. If there was
one thing people usually did after such events, it was drink.
Her drink arrived and she took a large gulp from it. This was her third
of the evening so far. If she wasn't careful, she was going to end up
just like Misato.
Misato. The name flittered around the inside of her head as the image of
her long-time friend came up. She had not been herself lately. Ritsuko
had a heavy suspicion that she knew the reason for that, but she
couldn't bring herself to think about that right now. One more thing and
she really was going to fall apart.
Of course, everyone was falling apart now, it seemed. Asuka's synch
ratio was next to nothing now and she was all but useless. Misato was
keeping up a tough front, but she was clearly suffering inside. Shinji
had never been very well-adjusted, but now he was retreating even
further into himself. Rei...
Rei had died. She was dead.
Dead. The word had a sense of finality about it – normally. Of course,
with Rei, death was anything but. Just take another one from the box and
you were as right as rain. No need to grieve. No need for anyone to be
inconvenienced – especially the commander. Just thinking about him made
Ritsuko sick to her stomach. Of course he would make sure that Rei would
always be there. If anyone else died, he wouldn't bat an eyelid. Rei was
special; Rei was all he cared about.
Ritsuko was starting to think that perhaps she wasn't quite as important
to the commander as Rei was, even considering their...relationship. She
prayed she was wrong, but somehow she doubted it. The thought made her
shiver and she took another huge gulp of her drink.
Setting it down, she lit a cigarette. That always calmed her. As she did
so, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. "How," she asked
quietly to herself, "did you end up doing everything you said – you
swore – that you would never do? Tell me that, please."
Before she could think up an answer (if she even had one), a familiar
voice cut into her thoughts. "Sempai?"
Ritsuko turned to see Maya Ibuki, out of uniform and dressed in a black
t-shirt and jeans, was standing beside her chair, a slightly confused
look on her face. "I thought it was you."
"Hello, Maya." Ritsuko smiled. "How are you?"
"Good, thank you, Sempai," said Maya, frowning a little. "I don't
usually see you here."
"No..."Ritsuko paused for a second. "I just needed to get out of NERV
for a while, especially after today."
Maya's face fell. "I know what you mean. It was horrible...I can't..."
She tailed off, clearly distressed at the memories. Maya was so gentle
and fragile. Ritsuko often wondered why she had come to work for NERV in
the first place. It wasn't a place for a normal person. It never had
been.
"I know," said Ritsuko softly. "I have to be honest...I knew you were
coming here tonight."
"How?" Maya frowned. "I mean, I..." She paused. "Oh. Makoto and Aoba,
right?"
"I hope you don't mind." Ritsuko took a drag of her cigarette. "I don't
want to get you angry – I know you have a terrible temper."
Maya blushed a little. "You're teasing me, Sempai. No...I don't mind. I
don't usually see you after work." Her blush deepened. "It's...you look
nice tonight."
Ritsuko glanced at herself in the mirror. She was simply wearing shorts
and a blue t-shirt, a white shirt draped over her shoulders. It was what
she normally wore after work. "It's nothing special."
"It...it suits you." Maya couldn't meet her gaze fully. Obviously seeing
Ritsuko in the bar, and knowing that she had maybe come here to see Maya
especially, was making her unusually bold tonight. However, she was
still blushing furiously.
Maya's crush on her Sempai had been obvious for a long time to everyone
in NERV, Ritsuko especially. It had always made her a little nervous –
Maya was such a sweet girl, but she was not the most self-confident of
people. Ritsuko was always afraid that she would inadvertently say
something and crush the poor girl's feelings forever. Of course,
tonight's plan could do that too, but Ritsuko knew she had to go through
with it.
Always so selfish, she thought to herself. It doesn't matter who else
gets hurt as long as you get what you want. Isn't that what HE does? No
wonder you got together. So much like each other.
"Sempai?" It was Maya, the blush gone, a look of concern on her face.
"You looked like you zoned out there for a moment."
Ritsuko smiled weakly. "I'm sorry, Maya. It's been a rough day."
Maya's expression said it all. "I know," she said quietly. There was a
brief silence, before: "Sempai?"
"Yes?"
"You...you said that you knew I was coming here tonight. Did
you...did...?" She was badly stammering. "I mean..."
"Yes, Maya - I came here to see you."
Maya's face lit up and she beamed. "Really?"
Ritsuko nodded. "That's why I asked the other two bridge officers where
you might be going. I wanted to see you."
"Really?" If Maya's grin could have gotten any wider, it would have
swallowed the rest of her face. The look of such eager and naked joy
almost broke Ritsuko's heart. "If you don't mind me asking...why?"
Ritsuko finished her cigarette and took another gulp of her drink. "It
was a rough day today. I needed to see a friendly face. I just needed
some friendly companionship for a while." She set her glass down and
looked at Maya. "So why are you here?"
"I always come here." Maya shrugged. "After work, it's usually pretty
late..."
"That's usually my fault," deadpanned Ritsuko.
Maya smiled. "I don't mind. But it's usually pretty late, and I'm always
pretty buzzed still, so I usually come here for a drink to relax me
before I go home." She looked around at the teeming crowds. "It's
usually a lot quieter, though."
"I couldn't really imagine you in a loud nightclub, no." Ritsuko lit
another cigarette, ignoring Maya's disapproving glance. She knew Maya
didn't approve, but she was always too timid to say anything. "So,
there's no-one to go home to?"
Maya blushed furiously. "No...you know that." It was true – Maya had
always been very upfront about her lack of recent partners. Ritsuko
suspected that she was doing that to subtly let Ritsuko know that she
was free. The poor girl was terribly besotted – she obviously had awful
taste in women.
"That's a shame," said Ritsuko lightly. "Still, I suppose NERV takes up
a lot of your time."
"Yes. But I don't mind. Plus, it's nowhere near as much time as you
spend there." Maya paused and looked down nervously. "It's a...little
surprising to see you out. You're usually in much later."
"They can survive without me for a night. I hope." Ritsuko took another
drag of her cigarette and downed the last of her drink. "Can I buy you a
drink?"
Maya nodded and gave her order to the barman, as did Ritsuko. After a
minute, he returned with them. Ritsuko stood up. "Come on," she said.
"Where are we going?"
"To a booth." Ritsuko indicated one. "I don't want to sit at the bar. A
booth is more private." Naturally, Maya blushed at that, causing Ritsuko
to sigh to herself. Of course Maya would have taken that the wrong way.
They walked to a nearby booth and sat down, Ritsuko grabbing an ashtray
from the nearest table before she did so. Noting Maya's look, she smiled
a little. "Maya, if you don't like my smoking, why don't you ever say
anything?"
Maya flushed and looked away. "It's none of my business," she said
nervously. "I'm sorry...I...I shouldn't..."
"No, come on. Let's be honest tonight. Tell me how you really feel."
"Okay," said Maya hesitantly. "I don't like it. It's bad for you. I
wouldn't mind it so much if you only had a few, but you smoke all day
long! I mean, you have to smoke at least a pack a day and that's just
when I'm there!" She realized her voice had gotten a little loud and
stopped, embarrassed.
"It relaxes me," said Ritsuko, taking another drag. "God knows I'm under
enough stress when I'm there."
"But you're killing yourself," said Maya unhappily. "I mean, I just
wish..."
"That I'd stop?" Ritsuko looked at her. "Why do you care so much?"
"I..." Maya was taken aback by the question. "I don't understand..."
"You're so worked up about my health. Why?"
"Sempai..." Maya was at a loss for words.
"I'm your boss, Maya. I doubt you care about the Commander or the Major
that much."
"But you're different!" interrupted Maya. "You're more than just my
boss! You're my mentor – someone I look up to, someone I admire,
someone..." She tailed off, clearly embarrassed at her outburst.
Ritsuko looked down at the table. She picked up her drink and took
another large gulp. "I'm not sure I live up to your inflated opinion of
me, Maya."
"Don't say that, Sempai."
"Why not? Maya, you know what we do at NERV. You know more than most –
you know what the dummy plug actually is – you know what we did this
afternoon with Rei." The last name stuck in her throat. She felt sick.
"I...I don't like that," said Maya slowly, choosing her words carefully.
"But I know that we're doing this to save the world. If we didn't do
anything, the Angels would destroy us. And we're ordered to do it – I
know that sometimes you hate it as much as I do. But we have to do what
we're told."
"Is that why you joined NERV, Maya? To save the world?" Ritsuko tried
not to let her tone become bitter, but it didn't really work.
"Sometimes...sometimes I wonder if it's worth it." She took another
drink and sighed heavily.
"I think it's worth it!" Maya sounded indignant. "There's so much in the
world that's wonderful, and..." She noticed Ritsuko smiling sadly. "What
is it?"
"How did you end up at NERV, Maya?" asked Ritsuko quietly. "You're so
cheerful and optimistic and delicate. You're a breath of fresh air from
everyone else there, myself included."
Maya blushed again. "You're teasing me, Sempai."
"No," said Ritsuko sincerely, shaking her head. "I'm being totally
honest for a change." Another pang of guilt shot through her, but she
shrugged it off.
"Sempai?" asked Maya in a concerned tone. "I know I'm speaking out of
turn, but...it's not just today that you're upset about, is it?"
"It's that obvious, isn't it?" Ritsuko finished her cigarette and
immediately lit another one. "It's...it's everything, Maya. Everything
in this stupid, cruel, unfair world. The Angels are almost finished, you
know. There's only one more. What do you think is going to happen after
that?"
I...I don't know."
Neither do I," whispered Ritsuko. "I used to think that I did, but now
I'm not so sure. Everything I'd thought – that I was so sure about –
that's not going to happen. Maybe deep down I always knew, but I just
didn't want to listen."
"Sempai..." said Maya tenderly. "I don't understand."
"I hope you never do. There's so much about this...about me...that you
don't know."
"I've never seen you like this." Maya was worried. "You normally seem so
calm...so collected. I mean, you're a model of professionalism. I know
sometimes I get a little emotional, but I'm trying to be more like you
and not do that..."
"Don't," said Ritsuko suddenly. "Please – don't try to be more like me.
I'm the last role model you should have. You get emotional because
you're human, Maya. Haven't you ever wondered how I can be so blasé? How
I can stay calm when any normal person would be an emotional wreck?" She
took another drink. "You were there when I told you that I hated my
mother – and I said it in the same tone that someone would use when they
said they didn't like the steak. Is that normal, Maya?"
She stopped and looked at Maya, who was looking at her with a mix of
fear and confusion. It also looked like she was on the verge of tears.
"I know," Maya said softly, "that you're not nearly as calm as you
pretend to be. I know you bottle too much stuff inside. But that doesn't
mean anything – a lot of people keep things inside – a lot of people
hide things from other people because they're scared, or they can't
accept it, or they're worried about what other people think It doesn't
mean you're not human, or that you're not normal." Her voice was
trembling. She wasn't nearly so bold normally, but her Sempai seemed to
be having a minor nervous breakdown and Maya needed to help.
Ritsuko shook her head. "Oh, Maya. It isn't just that. It's everything –
everything that's happened in my stupid life ever since I went to
college. The choices I've made, the things I've done, the lies I tell to
myself and others. It's all coming to a head, I can feel it."
Maya reached out and took Ritsuko's hand in hers. She was shaking
slightly. "I...I look up to you more than anyone, Sempai. If...is...can
I do anything?"
The touch of her hands felt good to Ritsuko – a simple human contact,
but one she'd had precious little of in the last few years – and she
squeezed them gratefully, seeing Maya blush as she did so. "Yes," she
whispered softly. "There are a few things you can do for me tonight."
"Anything," said Maya, her voice shaking. For the past few years, she
had longed for her Sempai to get closer to her, and now that it was
happening she could hardly believe it. Of course, the circumstances were
hardly ideal and certainly not what she'd dreamed of. However, if
anything happened to Dr. Akaka, Maya didn't know what she'd do. She
couldn't allow her to go on hurting, as she obviously had for so long.
Maya had always suspected that her Sempai was hiding a great deal of
hurt and pain from the outside world, but apart from brief snippets,
she'd never opened up. Now Maya was determined to get her to reveal
everything. Then she could start to help her, and maybe she could start
being happy again. Of course, it would be wonderful if their
relationship deepened even further, but for now, Dr. Akagi's health was
the only thing she cared about.
Ritsuko leaned back in her chair and took another drag of her cigarette.
"Would you like another drink?" she asked. Maya shook her head, and
Ritsuko ignored her and ordered two anyway.
"Sempai," said Maya hesitantly. "How much have you had to drink
tonight?"
"Not enough," murmured Ritsuko. At Maya's frown, she smiled. "Don't
worry – I'm not turning into Misato. I just need to get loosened up a
little. Do you know how long it's been since I got really relaxed? Not
long enough."
"Why don't you tell me what...what I can do," said Maya soothingly.
"Just listen first, Maya," said Ritsuko. "Listen to everything I have to
say, and then we'll decide what to do next." The drinks arrived and she
handed Maya one and took one for herself. Maya started to protest, but
Ritsuko shot her a look that made her fall silent and take the proffered
drink. "Now," said Ritsuko levelly. "Where should I begin?" She paused.
"I know – let's start with the first, most important part. I, Ritsuko
Akagi, am a complete and total failure. All the plans I had for my life,
everything that I set out to do – I've failed at it all."
"Sempai!" protested Maya, but Ritsuko shot her another look.
"Let me finish, Maya. You know what I always swore to myself – that I'd
never turn into my mother. I hated her, you know..." She shook her head.
"Of course you know. I told you. Ever since I was young, I've always
hated her." Ritsuko's head sank. "When I was a child, still living at
home, I never saw her. I had to fend for myself pretty much all of my
teenage life. She only ever really talked to me when it suited her – and
she knew! She knew that's what she was doing, but she didn't do anything
to fix it. She just didn't care."
"What about your father?" asked Maya quietly.
Ritsuko closed her eyes. "Never knew him. I have an almost perfect
memory, you know. I remember events as far back as my very early
childhood and I have no memory of him at all. Mother never mentioned him
– I asked, but she never told me. There were never any pictures of him
either. She kept no record of him at all. Whoever he was, he managed the
rare feat of being an even worse parent than Mother. He left before I
was even aware of him." Ritsuko laughed hollowly. "Listen to me –
judging both my parents, pronouncing judgment on them – and I never
really knew either of them. What the hell gives me the right to do that,
considering my life?"
Maya reached out and touched her hand again. "Sempai..."
Ritsuko opened her eyes and looked at Maya. "What are your parents like?
You know, we've been working together for two years and I've never
asked."
"My parents?" Maya was surprised by the question. "Pretty normal, I
suppose. My Dad was a businessman, my Mom a housewife. I was an only
child, and we were all pretty close when I was growing up. We..." She
paused. "We fell out when I went to college over personal matters, but
we managed to patch things back up recently. I mean, after the Angels
returned, we both saw that what we were fighting over wasn't all that
important."
Ritsuko wrapped her hand around Maya's. "You're very lucky," she said
softly. She let go of Maya's hand and sat back again. "Where was I? Oh
yes – Mother. She killed herself when I was at college. I might have
hated her before, but after that I despised her."
"Don't say that, Sempai," said Maya weakly. You don't mean that."
"No. I do, Maya." Ritsuko felt tears filling her eyes and she angrily
tried to blink them back. "I hate her as much now as I did then. As
great of a scientist as she was, she was a terrible woman. Do you know
why she killed herself? Her lover rejected her for someone else. She
murdered that someone else, then herself. Everything she'd ever taught
me about science and its value was gone, forgotten about because a man
was unkind to her. A man she should have known would reject her, a man
she knew had only one true wish – and she killed herself because of
him." Ritsuko realized she was sobbing now, spitting the words out and
she stopped, her head sinking into her hands.
Maya moved quickly round to Ritsuko's side of the table and gingerly put
her arms around her. "It's okay," she whispered softly, on the verge of
tears herself. She'd never seen Dr. Akagi cry before and now she was
sobbing in her arms. The sight of her mentor in a pathetic heap on the
table was hard for her, but she had to be strong.
Ritsuko leaned into Maya's embrace. "I'm just like her, Maya. I tried
everything I could to distance myself from her, even down to something
stupid like dyeing my hair, but it didn't work. After she died, I did it
too. I got involved with him. I followed in her footsteps exactly - I
started working in the exact same place where she worked – where she
killed herself. Every day I step over the spot where they had to clean
my mother's blood off the floor. Is that healthy? I'm just like her.I
made all the same mistakes for him, did anything for him, even loved
him, but it won't matter in the end. Just like her – he won't pick me,
will he? No-one will pick me..."
Maya held her tightly, tears running down her face. "Don't say that,
Sempai," she whispered. "Please. You're not going to do any of that.
You're not your mother."
Ritsuko sat up and wiped her eyes. "It's kind of you to say that, Maya,
but we both know it isn't true."
"You said..." Maya paused, wiping her own tears away. "I don't
understand...you said you got involved with him. Do you mean your
mother's..."
"Don't ask me about that," said Ritsuko suddenly. "I'm not telling you
who it is."
"I didn't want to know that...just...why?" Maya swallowed nervously.
"For you and this man...who was involved with your mother..."
"See what I mean?" asked Ritsuko, trying to put a humorous tone into her
voice. "Now tell me I'm not screwed up." She lit another cigarette.
"Human beings do funny things for companionship. There are no logical
reasons for the things we do. I think it's because we all crave human
contact, no matter what kind. Take Misato and I. We're supposed to be
friends. We have been for almost a decade, but have we ever talked about
this? No. We didn't have a real friendship – we were just two people who
needed someone else to talk to in college. That's all."
Maya didn't know what to say, and said so.
Ritsuko smiled and finished her cigarette. "I think we should leave."
"Sempai..." Maya frowned. "I don't think you should be by yourself. I
mean, I don't want to seem arrogant, but..."
"I thought we could go back to your place," said Ritsuko levelly.
Maya blushed and her eyes went as wide as saucers. "What?"
"You heard me." Ritsuko downed the last of her drink. "I've never seen
your apartment, and tonight is a night of firsts. Plus, now you know
exactly what sort of person I am, so it's up to you if you still want me
to go there."
Maya simply stared at her, her mouth gaping. Was she being serious? Maya
had dreamed of that for years and now it was finally happening. Of
course, it wasn't what she had exactly wanted, but that didn't matter.
She couldn't abandon her now. There was an odd tone in her voice, though
– did she know how Maya felt? There wasn't an easy way to ask that,
though. Best to assume she didn't and simply help her. "Yes," she said
firmly. "I'd love for you to come."
"Then let's go," said Ritsuko, and they did.
It was only a short journey to Maya's apartment. It was out of the main
area of Tokyo-3, so it had escaped the destruction. They spent most of
the journey in silence, both of their heads churning with confusion
about where the evening was going. Ritsuko had a plan, but she still
wasn't sure if it was all going to happen. Maya simply had no clue what
was going on and was just improvising.
They paused before the front door. "Well," said Maya nervously. "This is
it. Home sweet home." She smiled nervously and opened the door,
gesturing for Ritsuko to enter. She did so and Maya followed. The
apartment was a fairly small affair, simply a one bedroom, but it was
nice. It was meticulously tidy – a far cry from Ritsuko's own place,
with its empty fridge and tar-stained walls.
It was well furnished, with a small sofa and armchair in the living
room. The armchair was full of stuffed animals of all shapes and sizes.
A small bookshelf to one side of the chair was filled with small
ornaments and trinkets, mainly of anime characters and animals. A TV
stood beside that. The kitchen was connected to the living room, and two
other doors led off from the room. Through one, Ritsuko could see the
bathroom. Through the other, she could vaguely make out a bed.
She walked over and pushed the bedroom door open further. It was just as
tidy as the rest of the apartment. Apart from the bed, there was a
computer and a wide variety of bookshelves, filled with a lot of
computer books and manuals, official NERV reports, and a lot of what
appeared to be romance novels. Yet more stuffed animals occupied the
corner of the bedroom, staring up at Ritsuko.
"Nice place," she said, turning back to Maya, who was clearing the
armchair.
"Thanks," said Maya, clearing the last of the stuffed menagerie from the
chair. "Sorry it's a bit of a mess at the moment. I wasn't expecting
company."
"Sorry to put you out."
"Oh no!" Maya beamed at Ritsuko. "It's no problem at all, really." She
indicated the chair. "Please have a seat. Would you like a drink?"
Ritsuko sat down. "What do you have?"
Maya wandered over to the kitchen area and started rummaging through
cupboards and the fridge. "Let me see...some soda, some fruit juice,
tea, coffee....some cheap wine, I think..."
"A glass of wine would be nice." Ritsuko reached into her pocket and
pulled out her cigarettes. She was just about to light one when she
looked up to see Maya looking at her with a disapproving glance. "What?"
"Sempai," said Maya hesitantly. "I know you're having a rough night and
everything...but I'd really prefer it if you didn't smoke in here."
"Oh." Ritsuko put them away. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking."
"It's just that the smell is really hard to get out of the furniture and
carpet..."
"Maya..." Ritsuko smiled. "It's okay. This is your apartment, remember.
Relax – we're not at NERV at the moment."
"Sorry, Sempai." Maya smiled apologetically and finished getting the
drinks. She walked over, handed one to Ritsuko and sat on the couch.
There was a silence for a moment, neither knowing quite what to say.
Ritsuko broke the silence. "Have you always lived alone?" she asked.
"For over a year," said Maya sadly. "I was...living with someone, but
they moved out back then and I've been by myself ever since."
"Roommate?" asked Ritsuko. Maya shook her head. "Ah. So...if you don't
mind me asking, why did you and she break up?"
"She said I was spending too much time at work, that I wasn't paying
enough attention to her or our relationship," said Maya unhappily
without thinking. After a moment, she registered what Ritsuko had just
said, and what she had just admitted. She glanced at Ritsuko in shock.
"Sempai..."
Ritsuko simply smiled. "It's okay, Maya. I know."
"But..." Maya didn't make her sexuality public knowledge – it wasn't a
secret, but she didn't want to be the subject of office gossip. How
could Dr. Akagi have found out? "How..."
"Maya, it's fairly obvious to anyone with even a little bit of
observation skills." Ritsuko shrugged. "It's not a big deal, anyway. I'm
sorry to hear about your girlfriend, though. I remember you being very
upset at work that week, too. It wasn't too long after you first started
working with me, was it?"
Maya shook her head. "I was so scared you'd fire me. I was such a wreck
that week."
"Fire you? Don't be silly, you're the best assistant I've ever had. I'd
never find anyone as dedicated and competent as you if I scoured the
entire of Japan."
"Thank you, Sempai!" Maya beamed again, blushing furiously. "It's been
such an honor working with you all this time. I'm glad to hear that you
think so highly of me."
"I do." Ritsuko paused for a moment. She was as nervous as hell, but it
was pretty much now or never if she wanted to go through with this. "I
have to ask, Maya – I hope I didn't have anything to do with you and
your girlfriend breaking up."
Maya suddenly coughed violently. "What? I don't know what you mean!"
"I mean..." Ritsuko paused nervously. "I hope your feelings for me
didn't interfere with your relationship."
Maya coughed even more violently this time, spraying wine halfway across
the room. She started to sputter. "Sempai, I don't...I mean, I don't
know how you could have...I'm sorry if I ever gave you that
impression..." She started to cough again halfway through her rant and
eventually just dissolved into a full-blown coughing fit.
Ritsuko quickly got up and fetched Maya a glass of water and slapped her
on the back. "Drink this," she commanded, continuing to slap her back.
Maya did so, and after a few minutes she had managed to stop coughing
and calm down. "That's better" said Ritsuko with a smile.
Maya was as pale as the dead. "Sempai," she said weakly. "I think you've
gotten the wrong idea. I mean, just because I'm...gay, it doesn't mean
that..."
"Maya," said Ritsuko soothingly. "It's all right. Aren't we both being
honest tonight? You can be honest with me, can't you?"
The other woman didn't meet her gaze. "I should go," she said quietly.
"I think we've both gotten confused..."
"This is your apartment. Where would you go?" Ritsuko sat back down on
the armchair. "It doesn't bother me, Maya. I mean, maybe it did at
first, but I've had a lot of time to get used to the idea."
"I don't!" protested Maya again, but seeing the look in Ritsuko's eyes
she slumped back in her seat. "When did you figure it out?" she said
softly.
"I can't remember exactly. You used to be a lot better at hiding it,
though. That much I do remember." Ritsuko paused. "It wasn't long after
you started working for me – one day I looked around, and you were just
looking at me with such a devoted look in your eyes. I wasn't used to
that kind of look, one with so much respect and affection in it. At
first, I thought you just looked up to me...you know, a kind of hero
worship thing."
"Sempai..." said Maya weakly, the blush now threatening to engulf her
entire face.
Ritsuko sighed softly and continued. "But as things went on, I realized
it was more than that. I caught you looking at me more, and each time,
the look in your eyes grew less and less like a simple case of hero
worship and more like a full-blown crush. Then there was that time you
got completely drunk at the Christmas party and almost blurted out the
whole thing in front of everyone."
"Oh God." Maya put her head in her hands. "I'd forgotten about that.
I...I was going to tell you. I was so sure that you were...you
know...and I was going to tell you how I felt. But I was so scared...I
don't normally drink heavily..."
"That night you were giving Misato a real run for her money," said
Ritsuko dryly.
"I was so scared, and I kept taking a drink every time I lost my nerve,
trying to build enough courage to tell you, but I don't really handle a
lot of alcohol very well." Maya groaned. "I must have looked a sight. I
stumbled in, and I saw you and I walked over to you, didn't I? I walked
over and I said loudly that I had something to tell you." She frowned.
"But before I could blurt it out in front of everyone, you stopped me.
Why did you do that?"
Ritsuko smiled sadly. "I already knew, remember? I knew what you were
going to say, or at least had a very good idea. The look in your eyes
when you were drunk sealed the whole thing. I didn't want you
embarrassing yourself – I knew it would really kill you, so I stopped
you and made you lie down in the NERV dorms until the next morning. Then
you seemed to have forgotten the whole thing."
"Thank you," said Maya sincerely. "I can't believe I did that." She
looked up at Ritsuko cautiously. "Sempai..."
"No," said Ritsuko suddenly. "Don't call me that anymore tonight. Call
me Ritsuko."
"Sempai," said Maya pleadingly, but when she saw the look in Ritsuko's
eyes she sighed. "Ritsuko..."
"That's the first time you've ever said my name," said Ritsuko
thoughtfully. "It only took you two years."
Despite herself, Maya smiled. "Ritsuko, why did you ask to come back to
my apartment tonight?"
"How do you feel about me, Maya?"
Maya blinked in surprise. "What?" She paused for a moment. "You know
that," she said quietly.
"I want to hear you say it out loud." Ritsuko looked at her intently.
"Please."
Maya looked at her for a long time. She knew how she felt and she knew
what she had to say, but now, even though it was all out in the open,
verbalizing the feelings was still daunting for her. This whole night
felt very unreal, almost too good to be true. She didn't want anything
to ruin it, not now.
But then she looked in Ritsuko's eyes and saw her pleading look and she
knew what she had to say. She took a deep breath and said the words to
Ritsuko Akagi that she had wanted to ever since she had met her.
"I love you."
Ritsuko closed her eyes. "Say my name," she said weakly.
"I love you, Ritsuko."
Ritsuko felt tears brimming in her eyes and she squeezed them shut
tighter. "Why?"
Maya smiled. "Because you're...well, you're you. You're so smart, so
warm - even if people do think you're cold, I don't. They don't see the
Ritsuko that I see. You're so compassionate – you've dedicated
everything to your work with NERV – work that's going to save the human
race! You might act like you're icy and calm all the time, but you
really do care deeply about people – I've seen you like that. And
because you're beautiful, you really are – you have this amazing smile
that no-one ever sees. I've only seen it a few times, but it lights up
your entire face. And there's this big...sadness about you – like you
have a lot of pain inside, and I can't help thinking that if you could
just let it out, and if you were with someone who could make you happy –
I mean really happy – then you'd be even more amazing than you already
are." Maya paused. "That's why I love you, Ritsuko."
Ritsuko opened her now tear stained eyes. "I'm afraid you have a rather
inflated opinion of me, Maya."
Gathering all of her courage and strength, Maya stood up, walked over to
Ritsuko and sat down beside her. She smiled nervously and reached out to
stroke Ritsuko's face. Then, taking a deep breath, she leaned over and
kissed her lightly on the lips. Ritsuko was surprised, but didn't pull
away. Emboldened by this, Maya opened her mouth and slipped her tongue
slowly into Ritsuko's mouth, Ritsuko offering no resistance. She tasted
smoky, the alcohol still fresh on her breath.
After a few moments, Maya pulled back and smiled, looking into Ritsuko's
eyes. "I think my opinion's pretty accurate," she said softly.
Ritsuko smiled weakly. "Are you seducing me, Maya?"
Maya's eyes went wide and she blushed again. "Ritsuko, I'm not...I
mean..."
"If you are, you'll notice I'm not stopping you." Ritsuko met Maya's
gaze again and smiled. "I mean, isn't this what you've always wanted?"
"Yes," admitted Maya, "but you're not yourself tonight. It wouldn't be
right – I couldn't take advantage of you."
"It's not taking advantage of me if I'm willing, is it?"
Maya looked at her, not believing what she was hearing. Yes, this had
been a dream – actually more of a fantasy – for years now, but she had
never seriously believed that it would come true, and certainly not in
the form of Ritsuko coming to her apartment and blatantly offering
herself. There was something wrong here, and Maya didn't want to take
advantage of the situation, even as much as she wanted to. "I...can't,"
she said finally.
Ritsuko reached out and stroked her face. "I really can't be alone
tonight," she said softly, staring into Maya's eyes. Then she leaned
over and softly kissed Maya on the lips again. She had never considered
being with another woman before, but after all she had seen and all she
had been through at NERV and in the rest of her life, petty concerns
over gender seemed irrelevant now. All that mattered was that there was
someone here who loved her and wanted her, and she needed that right
now.
The tone of Ritsuko's voice and the feel of her soft lips on Maya's
dissolved any doubts that the younger woman might have had. She leaned
into the kiss, opening her mouth and wrapping her arms around Ritsuko,
drawing her close. Their hands wandered, exploring the soft curves of
their bodies, melding both their bodies into one.
After several wonderful moments, Ritsuko drew back. "I've..." She paused
and swallowed nervously. "I've never done anything like this before. Not
with another woman."
Maya smiled, her confidence growing by the second. "It's okay," she
whispered, punctuating each of her words with soft kisses to the neck.
"Just follow my lead." Ritsuko returned the smile and they both
awkwardly got to their feet, still in each other's arms. Maya reached
around and unwrapped the shirt from around the blonde's neck and let it
fall to the floor. "If I'm going too fast," she said softly, "just tell
me."
Ritsuko nodded as Maya's hands began to unbutton her shirt, followed by
her shorts. Maya slid them both off with expert precision. "You've done
this before."
Maya grinned. "Quite a bit." Her hands wandered again, and Ritsuko's
underwear soon followed the rest of her clothes onto the floor. When she
had finished, she took a step back and looked at Ritsuko's naked body.
"You're beautiful," she said warmly.
The older woman fought the urge to cover herself up in awkwardness.
She'd never had someone compliment her body in that tone before, and she
felt very self-conscious. Suddenly, she was aware of every minute flaw
in her body, but Maya's tone was not critical in the slightest. "I bet
you say that to all your girlfriends."
"I've never had one as beautiful as you." Maya caught her eye again, and
Ritsuko saw the sincerity in it.
"I had no idea you were such a hit with the ladies." Ritsuko took Maya's
face in her hands and kissed her again, then began pulling off her
t-shirt, then her jeans, noting the feel of Maya's soft skin and subtle
curves. She looked at Maya, now in her underwear. Her body was slim,
almost boyish, but she was undeniably beautiful. In her own way, Maya
was a paragon of beauty.
Ritsuko took another deep breath and began to remove Maya's underwear,
slowly and deliberately exposing the other woman's body. In a few
moments, she was naked as well. Ritsuko stood facing her, a nervous
smile on her face. "What do we do now?"
Maya smiled and reached a hand out to lightly stroke up Ritsuko's body.
Her fingers lightly danced over her stomach, up over her breasts and
ended up at her face. Then she drew her into another deep kiss. Their
naked bodies pressed together, their hands exploring every inch of the
other's body, pulling tightly together. The feel of Maya's lips, the
sensation of her body pressed against hers sent Ritsuko into a flurry of
arousal. She kissed Maya hungrily, feeling Maya's love and desire
through her body, surrendering herself completely to the moment.
She became dimly aware of Maya shuffling them slowly to the bedroom and
she willingly went along with it. They reached the bedroom, and Maya
pushed her gently down onto the bed, then with a mischievous smile
climbed on top.
Ritsuko awoke with a start, suddenly unsure of her surroundings. This
wasn't her office at NERV, nor her apartment – the two main places she
woke up. She was lying on her side facing a window, the moonlight
shining in. She was naked, and felt another naked body pressed up
against her, holding her from behind.
Then the memories came back. She was in Maya Ibuki's apartment, and she
and the young bridge technician had been making love for the best part
of the night. A wave of guilt swept over her as the whole memory of the
previous night flooded into her head. For a moment she tried to blame
the alcohol, but she hadn't had that much to drink and she'd known
exactly what she was doing. She had used Maya and that thought made her
sick.
Maya shifted in her sleep, her arms wrapping tighter around Ritsuko.
Maya mumbled something sleepily, and kissed the back of Ritsuko's neck
tenderly. The simple and uncomplicated love in that one gesture almost
made Ritsuko burst into tears there and then. Memories of the lovemaking
came into her head – it had been wonderful. Maya was a skilled lover,
and everything she had done had been infused with care and tenderness.
Ritsuko had never known anything like that before – even something as
small as being held afterwards was completely alien to her.
Tears ran down Ritsuko's face and she felt herself sobbing slightly. It
would be wonderful if this could last, but it couldn't. She'd known that
coming in, so there was no point in lamenting that fact now. Even so,
she couldn't help wishing – but wishing had never done anything for her.
She composed herself and gently extricated herself from Maya's embrace.
She slowly got out of bed, moving gingerly so as not to wake the younger
woman. Once she was out, she took a final look down at the bed. Maya
looked so peaceful, so utterly beautiful lying there and it broke
Ritsuko's heart all over again. Trying to keep her self control, she
pulled herself away and left the room in search of her clothes.
Maya awoke from a blissful dream, one in which she had confessed her
secret love to her Sempai, and it had lead to a night of wonderful,
passionate lovemaking. Then with a start, she remembered that it hadn't
been a dream – it had been real, and she had ended up in bed with
Ritsuko Akagi. Her eyes flew open and she realized that she was alone in
bed, Ritsuko having left.
She sat up, wondering if she had simply gone to the bathroom or
something similar. The unsettling though that Ritsuko might have left in
shame or embarrassment crept into her mind, and it filled her stomach
with icy fear. She quickly got out of bed, realized she was still naked,
and looked around for her clothes. Then she remembered that they had
stripped in the living room.
The memory of the previous night made a silly grin appear on her face.
It had been wonderful, everything she had always dreamed about. She
hoped that Ritsuko hadn't fled – she didn't want their working
relationship (or whatever their new relationship was) to become awkward
– or more terrible – to sour completely. Quickly, she grabbed a robe and
walked out to the living room, hoping that Ritsuko was still there.
She was.
Ritsuko was sitting at the kitchen table, smoking. Stupidly, the first
thing that came into Maya's mind was to chide her for smoking in her
apartment, but she suppressed that urge. From the size of the makeshift
ashtray in front of her, it looked like she had been there for a while.
Her eyes were badly red-rimmed. She'd obviously been crying heavily.
"Ritsuko?" said Maya softly.
The older woman turned to face her, obviously not having heard her come
in. "Maya," she said weakly. "I didn't mean to wake you up. I was just
going to quietly leave, and..."
"You were just going to leave?" Maya's heart sank. "I...I don't
understand."
Ritsuko's head sank. "I'm sorry, Maya, I really am," she whispered. "I'm
afraid I've hurt you badly."
"No, no." Maya shook her head. "You haven't hurt me. Last night was
wonderful."
"Yes, it was." Ritsuko smiled sadly. She had known that it was going to
be like this. This was going to hurt both of them very badly. "I'm
sorry, Maya. I've used you."
"Used me?" Maya felt tears welling up in her eyes. "I don't understand."
Ritsuko stubbed out her cigarette, stood up, and forced herself to look
Maya in the eyes, no matter how much it hurt. "Remember what I said last
night? I meant it – something is coming, Maya. I just know it.
Everything is going to come to a head soon, and no-one..." She felt her
voice catch. "No-one is going to choose me. I'm all alone, don't you see
that?"
"No..." The tears were running down Maya's face freely now. "You're not,
you know that. I love you."
"I know. That's why I came out last night to see you. I just wanted..."
Her face fell again. She couldn't look Maya in the eye. "I just wanted
to spend one night – just one – with someone who actually cared about me
– who loved me. That was you, Maya. I just used you because I needed
someone to be with me, and your feelings made you the perfect person."
Maya's gut churned. In all of her dreams, she'd never once thought about
something like this.
"I told you your opinion of me was slightly inflated," muttered Ritsuko
darkly.
"What...what are you going to do now?" Maya managed to say.
"Go back to NERV, I suppose. Whatever's coming, I know I can't avoid it.
I'm in too deep already."
"No."
Ritsuko looked up, a surprised look on her face. "What?"
Maya took a deep breath and took Ritsuko's hands. "No. It's not too late
for you. You could leave – we could leave. You don't have to let this
happen, Ritsuko."
Ritsuko smiled warmly and stroked Maya's face gently. "I'm sorry, Maya.
You were right – last night really was wonderful, and if things were
different, maybe I could do that. But I've seen too much, done too much.
It really is too late for me. But you...you should leave, forget NERV.
It's not a good place – not for someone as innocent and good as you. You
should leave as soon as possible."
"I'm not leaving you," Maya mumbled through tears.
Ritsuko leaned over and gently kissed her on the lips. "I'm so sorry,
Maya," she whispered tearfully. "If I ever manage to make it through
this, I only hope that you can forgive me."
Maya sank into a chair and burst into tears. Ritsuko looked at her for a
moment, then left, closing the apartment door behind her. The sound of
Maya's sobs could be heard through the door and Ritsuko slumped down
onto the floor, tears running down her cheeks.
Her NERV communicator bleeped, and she pulled it out and listened to the
message. She closed her eyes, and shut of the communicator. The heads of
SEELE had requested a meeting – or interrogation – with her.
This was it – the beginning of the end. Wiping the tears from her eyes,
she got to her feet, gave Maya's apartment door a last glance, and
walked off into her future.
The End.
End Notes:
Well, another one finished! I've always liked the Maya/Ritsuko pairing,
though it's a frustrating relationship, given that you know it will
never have a happy ending, no matter how badly you want one, or think
Maya really deserves to get the girl J
This takes place sometime during the events of Episode 23.
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