Cold
I suddenly pause in my walk as I enter the bath house.
It's completely empty, except for her. It figures. Everywhere I
go she's manages to be there.
Headquarters, she's there. Training, she's there. School,
she's there. Home--
Well, she's hardly ever there but I bet she wishes that
she was there more often.
I decide to suck it up and I perform my usual confident
flounce as I submerge myself into the hot water of the bath.
"Guten morgen."
Now look, that was a perfectly nice greeting and what's
her reaction to it? Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zil--
"Good morning."
I blink at this. Did she just talk to me? She never talks
to me. Sensing my surprise, she turns my way and for once her
eyes don't have that apathetic quality that always serves to
remind me of my mother.
My mother and her dolls.
And those dead black eyes the dolls had. Instead I
note that her eyes seem to flicker with restrained humor.
"What? What's so funny?"
"Nothing."
Her voice remains in the same soft tones as always but
this time I can hear the slightest lilt. It's almost playful. This
discovery disturbs me almost as much as seeing emotion behind
her eyes. As long as I've known her she's been the same as
those cold unfeeling dolls my mother had.
For some reason I liked that.
I relished in the fact that she was like the dolls because
if she was like them that meant that I didn't have to be. I can
still remember the mad rants of my mother... calling those dolls
by my name. Treating them as if they were me and treating me
as if I were them. All my life that's what I've rebelled against. I
refuse to be the emotionless doll my mother wanted.
But her... she was the doll for me. She was the
unfeeling creature in my place. And not once has she ever
shown a hint of human emotion towards me.
Until now.
"What's wrong?"
Slowly I turn her way and I stare at her creamy skin.
That was the thing that struck me about her when we first met.
Her skin, white and delicate like a porcelain doll.
There is a timeless grace in her frame that reminds me
of the old Greek statues we've studied in school and to me her
beauty is both cold and intimidating.
Her eyes are now looking at me with concern and it's
more than I can fathom. It isn't supposed to be this way. She's
like those dolls that my mother had.
Dolls don't have emotions. Dolls don't show concern.
Dolls don't ask what's wrong.
But if she isn't like those dolls then why does she act
like them? Why does she treat me as my mother did?
"Asuka?"
"I'm fine. Just thinking, that's all."
"Oh."
She turns away from me and walks smoothly out of the
bath to sit on a stool as she begins washing her hair.
She's not my mother. I know this quite well but the
similarities between them are frightening.
I watch her for a moment and before I know it I'm
asking her the question that I've longed to voice. If I can't ask
my mother then I'll just ask her instead.
"Do you care about me?"
A lump forms in my throat as she slowly lifts up a
bucket of water to wash the shampoo out of her hair. My body
is frozen and my heart is pounding a mile a minute. Already I
regret my question.
"Of course."
Her response is clipped as always but instead of
returning to washing her hair she turns my way and gives me a
close study.
"Why did you ask me that?"
"I... I don't know. I mean, I know you care about the
Commander but I didn't know if..."
My mind runs out of words and I instinctively return to
the one thing that has always been my comfort in times of
frustration like this.
I began spewing vulgarities in German.
"That's your answer?"
Once again there's humor in her voice. I scowl at this
and prepare to give her a rude retort but before I can she's on
her feet again. In a smooth steady pace she walks towards me
and lowers herself into the water to stand across from me.
I'm frozen with... fear, anticipation, dread? I'm not sure
what but I'm frozen nonetheless. She stops only inches away
from me and tilts her head to one side then studies me closely. I
feel like a trapped animal and I desperately want to escape.
"Why did you ask me that?"
She repeats the question in her same soft tones but this
time there's steel laced behind her words. I wince upon hearing
it and avert my eyes from her seeking gaze.
"I don't know. I just had to ask you. That's all. You're
kind of a hard person to read and I didn't know if... if you felt
anything for me. I sometimes feel like I could die and you
wouldn't even notice."
"I would notice. I always notice you."
My heart stops on hearing this.
"You do?"
"Of course. You're difficult to ignore."
Again the humor resurfaces and I smile before I can
help it. Much to my surprise she returns the smile. It's smaller
and more restrained but still, it's a smile.
She suddenly moves forward and my heart leaps at the
gesture. Is she going to...?
When she walks past me and out of the bath I'm not
sure if I'm feeling disappointment or relief. I watch her openly
as she dresses and she seems comfortable with this.
She then walks towards the door to the bath and I half
expect her to walk out without saying so much as a goodbye.
After all, that's how it always is.
Why would this change anything?
"Asuka."
I lift my eyes on hearing my name. Her back is facing
me and she's paused in the doorway.
"I've always cared for you."
Completely still, I watch as she walks away from me
and out of the bath house. A slow smile spreads across my
features as I sink into the hot and steaming water.
"Thank you, Rei."
-End-
Both characters in this fanfiction are from Neon Genesis
Evangelion. This is one of my favorite one shots and I decided
that it deserved revising. If you haven't guessed, I rather like the
idea of Rei and Asuka together. Somehow it seems like an
actual possibility in the series to me.
Back to Neon Genesis Evangelion Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction