Doormat
INT - JUN'S BEDROOM - DAY
JUN FUDOU - a lithe and gorgeous photographer's model - lies beneath a snowy white blanket.
Her comely, delicate, raven-coiffed head is perched upon a downy pillow. She SNORES and
SPUTTERS as she sleeps. She tosses left, then right, and SNORTS some more.
With a start, Jun raises her head from the pillow and squints at the sunlight streaming
through the window. The graceful brunette COUGHS, turns away from the window, picks a
booger from her nose and wipes it on her blanket.
JUN: It better be Saturday.
Jun YAWNS and lets her tongue loll around inside her gaping mouth. She rolls off the
mattress...
...and falls six feet from the top of a bunk bed. She HITS the floor on her lean,
curvaceous bottom.
JUN: OW! Damn it! Damn it! What the hell's a bunk bed doing in my...
A girl's voice HUMS a tune in an adjoining room. Jun GROANS and rubs her eyes.
JUN: (Mumbles) Oh yeah... that's right. SHE'S here.
The sweet, girlish voice of KAZUMI TAKIURA calls from just outside.
KAZUMI: (From outside) Hello? Did my sweet baboo have an accident?
JUN: (Growls) I am NOT your sweet baboo.
CUT TO:
JUN'S DINING ROOM - DAY
The tall, willowy Jun slouches towards the dining room table and plants her behind on a
seat. She rests her head on one hand and looks across the room towards...
CUT TO:
INT - JUN'S KITCHENETTE - DAY
...Kazumi, Jun's fifteen year old freeloading... roommate. She busily whisks up a
breakfast of miso soup, eggs and tofu. She HUMS as she places her handiwork on two dishes.
Her emerald eyes catch Jun from across the room. She tosses her light brown hair, smiles,
blows a kiss, and GIGGLES.
CUT TO:
INT - DINING ROOM - DAY
Jun forces a smile on her face and mimes catching the kiss.
JUN: (Mumbles) Bunk bed was a good idea...
Kazumi enters the dining room with both their breakfasts. As she places Jun's plate in
front of her, she leans in to plant a kiss on Jun's lips.
JUN: Cheek... the cheek. Keep it decent.
Kazumi pouts, turns to Jun's cheek, gives it a peck... then licks it. Jun's eyes bug out.
KAZUMI: Morning sunshine!
JUN: Morning... sweet pea.
KAZUMI: (Bats her eyelashes) Oooh, sweat pea! I love that one! I love it when you call me
sweet names!
JUN: Coffee... please?
Kazumi nods and skips back to the kitchenette. With a few deft gestures, she grabs the
coffee jug and fills two cups with hot java. She sprinkles creamer in one and keeps the
other black. Kazumi glides back to the dining table and presents the cream coffee to Jun.
KAZUMI: Cream for my creamy skinned beauty... and I take mine dark. (Runs her hand through
Jun's dark hair.) 'Cause that's how I likes my wimmins!
JUN: (Clears throat) Changing the subject, I think it's high time we discussed the living
arrangements.
KAZUMI: I like it here!
JUN: And I like to have you here... as a visitor!
KAZUMI: Oh Jun, please!
JUN: Because you have relatives, Kazumi. I think things would be a lot less freaky...
KAZUMI: Freaky?
JUN: Tense! Tense, I meant to say tense! It would take a load off my mind if you moved in
with your Uncle... um, Owen and your... Aunt Beru.
KAZUMI: But they live all the way out in the country!
JUN: Which is a nice, green, quiet... er, WOODSY place for a young girl to grow up!
Kazumi leaps from her seat and hugs Jun.
KAZUMI: Oh but Snuggle-Bumps, we've built a life here together!
JUN: (Mouths the words) "Snuggle-Bumps?"
Kazumi strokes Jun's hair again.
KAZUMI: I mean we're, like, both models and living this way cool life! Eating at
restaurants and wearing fly clothing and posing in bikinis... You look way hot in a bikini
by the by!
Jun takes Kazumi by the shoulders.
JUN: Look Kazumi, I know you have all these feelings toward me and I'm flattered. I really
am! And you've got this idea of you and me being together, but there's this itsy-bitsy,
teeny- weeny problem.
Kazumi blinks once, twice, three times.
KAZUMI: I give up, what is it?
Jun leans close to Kazumi.
JUN: YOU'RE FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD!
KAZUMI: (Bats her eyelashes) Well you know what Ailiyah used to say, "Age ain't nothin' but
a number..."
Jun jumps up from the table, flailing her arms.
JUN: Okay, okay, okay... You want to talk numbers? How about these numbers? Five to ten!
That's the sort of time I could serve for seducing a minor!
Kazumi, in her bathrobe, props up one bare leg like Anne Bancroft in "The Graduate."
KAZUMI: (Mimes Anne Bancroft) "Would you like ME to seduce you? Is that what you're trying
to tell me?"
JUN: Whoa... I mean, NO! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Look, let me break it down for you!
(Points to herself) I am twenty two, (Points to Kazumi) and you are fifteen!
KAZUMI: Yuh-huh.
JUN: FIFFFFFFFF... TEEEEEEEN!
KAZUMI: Well I won't be fifteen forever, Juneykins!
JUN: (Mouths word) "Juneykins?"
Kazumi rises from the table and takes Jun's hands in her own.
KAZUMI: Look Jun, I can't hide my feelings for you. I mean, in high school all the girls
are so bland and mean and snippy and... uncouth! But you're different from all of them!
JUN: Yeah, 'cause I'm twenty two.
KAZUMI: No it's not just that, it's because you're so elegant and dignified and gentle!
You don't think belching the kanji alphabet is the greatest achievement in the world!
JUN: (Mumbles) Shit, when I was fifteen I thought it was...
KAZUMI: Say what?
JUN: Nothing!
KAZUMI: My point is, when I'm with you... I can see us having a life together...
She starts stroking Jun's palms.
KAZUMI: Discussing poetry as we walk through the park, long romantic walks on the beach,
complaining about how fat and lazy Americans are in the trendiest cafes.
She starts stroking Jun's arms. Jun's face goes pale.
KAZUMI: Play wrestling in the tall grass, stealing kisses in a dim theater during a foreign
film festival, nuzzling each other over wine on the terrace...
She starts stroking Jun's shoulders. Jun's eyes dart toward the door, then the window...
the door... the window...
KAZUMI: And maybe one day, raising a BABY together!
JUN: A babba-who?
KAZUMI: A visit to the fertility clinic makes it possible for a gay couple to have their
own child! Oh Jun, one day I want to bring a child into the world... and I want YOU to be
the Momma-Daddy!
Jun opens her mouth wide and wags a finger at Kazumi. The phone RINGS.
JUN: Whew! Saved by the bell! You wait right here, hon... I mean, Kazumi! Momma- Daddy's
gotta take this call!
Jun runs over to the phone and picks up the receiver.
JUN: Mushi-mushi?
The voice of LAN ASUKA comes over the receiver.
ASUKA: This is Asuka...
JUN: Thank fucking Christ! What is it?
ASUKA: We've had a BEAST sighting. A car will pick you up in a minute and a half.
JUN: Great! Fantastic! Good news!
ASUKA: Jun, we're talking about a beast sighting.
JUN: Well hoo-de-ha! I've dealt with worse, believe me! (Glances at Kazumi) Okay, I'll be
on my way to... the "shoot" in a minute and a half! You're a lifesaver, you know that?
ASUKA: Are you taking this seriously, Jun?
JUN: YES! GOOD-BYE!
Jun hangs up and turns to Kazumi.
JUN: Well what do you know? A client called up for a last minute shoot and I have to be on
my way in less than a minute. Let's see, what to wear? What to wear?
Jun looks at what she's wearing: A white bathrobe with a lilac nightgown underneath. Her
feet are bare.
JUN: SLIPPERS! That's what I need!
Jun runs into the bedroom. Kazumi, still in the kitchen, calls out to her.
KAZUMI: Are we still gonna talk about this Jun-sey?
JUN: (From inside) Yeah, yeah... sure!
Jun - in her bathrobe, nightie and slippers - runs out of the bedroom, shoves her breakfast
down her mouth, slurps up her coffee and wipes her face with a dishtowel. She turns to
Kazumi.
JUN: How do I look?
KAZUMI: Like you're going to bed?
JUN: Good enough!
KAZUMI: You're not seriously going outside dressed like that?
JUN: It's the business, babe! You're just starting out, but one day you'll understand
that... um... yeah!
KAZUMI: But you haven't even taken a shower!
Jun clears her throat and drums her fingers against her hip. Then she SNAPS her fingers.
JUN: It's for a deodorant ad!
From outside the window, a car horn HONKS.
JUN: That's my cue! Gotta bring home the bacon! So uh... you just take it easy. Comb
your hair, paint your nails...
She tosses a copy of "Cosmo" magazine at Kazumi.
JUN: ...read a magazine. Do all that teenage girly-girly stuff that you SHOULD be doing!
KAZUMI: (Bats her eyelashes) You rock my world, Jun.
JUN: Der... I gotta motor, Kazumi. See you when I get back!
Jun grabs her keys, runs out the door and shuts it.
A beat later, she reopens the door.
JUN: And one more thing: You? Me? Sex? No! BYE!
She shuts the door, leaving Kazumi in the dining room. Kazumi pouts, SIGHS, sits down with
her dark coffee, and flips through "Cosmo". Suddenly, her finger stabs down on one
article.
KAZUMI: (Reads aloud) "Back from a Business Trip: One Sure-Fire Way to Surprise Your
Special Someone!" HMMM-mmmmm...
CUT TO:
INT - ASUKA'S LIMOUSINE - DAY
LAN ASUKA, a tall, blonde, fierce, bosomy beauty sits across from Jun Fudou in the
passenger section. MR. MAEDA is in the driver's seat.
Asuka reads her notes ALOUD to Jun. Jun entertains herself by BELCHING the kanji alphabet.
ASUKA: We've got one mother of a beast to take down: Part Komodo dragon, part Portuguese
man o' war and part skunk. Twenty feet from snout to tail. We have it contained in a
warehouse on the piers. Are you listening, Jun?
Jun continues BELCHING.
ASUKA: Could you stop doing that?
JUN: (Belches) Whyyy Shooouuld Iiiiiiii?
ASUKA: I know where your grandfather lives. I'm just saying. Now Jun frowns at Asuka.
JUN: You are the queen of all bitches.
ASUKA: Don't you forget it.
Jun rolls her eyes.
JUN: You know, I don't have to take this crap from you. I can turn into a fifty-foot
she-demon and smash this whole car flat with my big toe.
MAEDA: With ME in it?
ASUKA: (To Maeda) Shush! (To Jun) Did you just threaten me?
JUN: No, YOU threatened to kill my granddad, I'M promising to squash you like a grape if
you even think of doing that.
ASUKA: Please, like you've got the guts.
JUN: Are we forgetting something here? I am the biggest, baddest bitch in Japan and I
don't have to stand around and put up with ANYBODY'S shit!
Asuka BLOWS a raspberry.
ASUKA: Anybody except little "MRS. Jun Fudou" back at the house, right?
JUN: Mrs. Jun... oh, don't even go there!
ASUKA: Oh, I went there! I went there, I wiped my feet on it, walked in and made my ass at
home, Miss Thang!
JUN: FIRST off, Kazumi's none of your business. SECOND, she is a GUEST in my house.
ASUKA: Guest my ass... she has you waiting on her! (Mimicks Kazumi) "I'm moving in with you
Jun!" (Mimicks Jun) "Yes, dear." (Mimicks Kazumi) "I wanna share a BED with you!" (Mimicks
Jun) "Yes, dear."
JUN: BUNK bed. We have a bunk bed!
ASUKA: (Mimicks Kazumi) "Jun, I need to watch my weight. Can you hold my hair while I puke
in the toilet?" (Mimicks Jun) "Yes, dear."
JUN: It is not like that. I'm looking after her because her FAMILY...
ASUKA: You could have kicked her skinny little teenage ass out the door any time you
wanted. All she has to do is bat her widdle green eyes and you lie down and let her walk
all over you.
JUN: Are you calling me a DOORMAT? I am NOBODY'S doormat!
ASUKA: Hmm... "doormat?" I would never call you that!
JUN: Damn right, you wouldn't.
ASUKA: Because the word that best describes you is WHIPPED.
JUN: Don't you even...
ASUKA: That's right I said it! Doubleyou-Aitch-Eye to the double Pea-Eee- Dee... WHIPPED!
Jun jabs a finger in Asuka's face.
JUN: You know something? Spell this out, alright? EFF-YOU! Okay? IF-YOU-SEE-KAY, tell her
I said EFF-YOU!
ASUKA: Ooh, you hurt me Jun! You hurt me bad! You whipped me into shape! Just like Kazumi
whips you when she...
JUN: Oh, I am finished with you! Don't even say another damn word! (To Maeda) Driver, turn
on the radio!
MAEDA: Yes, Miss Fudou.
ASUKA: TEENAGE dominatrix...
JUN: ZIP IT!
Maeda turns on the radio. STEELY DAN starts playing.
STEELY DAN: (On radio) Hey NINE-TEEN, that's Aretha Franklin! She don't remember the queen
of...
JUN: Change the station!
MAEDA: Yes, ma'am.
Maeda changes the station. The STRAY CATS are playing.
STRAY CATS: (On radio) Sexy and SE-VEN-TEEN! She's my little rock n' roll queen!
JUN: Change it!
Maeda changes the station and the 80s hair-metal band WINGER plays.
WINGER: (On radio) She's only SE-VEN-TEEN! Se-ven-teen!
JUN: CHANGE IT!
Maeda changes the station. On comes an oldie but goodie.
THE CRESTS: (On radio) SIX-TEEN candles...
Asuka bursts out LAUGHING. Jun starts twitching in her seat and GROWLING. Her eyes are
shut tight.
JUN: Mother... fucking... RADIO!
ASUKA: Aw, but that's my favorite song! (Sings along) "Six-teen can-dles..."
JUN: FIFTEEN! She's FIFTEEN, damn it!
ASUKA: Yeah, THAT'LL go over well with the judge!
Jun's eyes snap open. They glow like the twin suns of Tatooine.
JUN: Stupid radio! Puny humans! DEVIL... LADY... SMASH!!!
ASUKA: C'mon, keep it together 'til we get to the warehouse!
MAEDA: I'm too young to die!
ASUKA: Aw, grow a pair will ya? Jun's just having a visit from Aunt Flo!
JUN: SMAAAAAAAASSSHH!
CUT TO:
EXT. - WAREHOUSE - DAY
Asuka's limousine pulls up to the front of the warehouse.
CUT TO:
INT - ASUKA'S LIMOUSINE - DAY
MAEDA: Oh thank god, we're here! Please Ms. Asuka, get her out quick!
Jun's hair whips around violently and the strands twist into devil horns. She punches the
roof of the limo.
JUN: KILL! KILL! SMASH! BLLEEEAAARRRRGH!
Asuka opens the door to the limo and leads Jun out.
ASUKA: Okay champ, now you're in fighting form! Let's get in there and show that lizard-
jellyfish-skunk thing who's the baddest bitch in Japan! Hey! Why don't you make believe
it's Kazumi forcing you to watch "Oprah" with her on TV?
Jun leaps out of the limo and charges toward the warehouse.
JUN: FUCKING OPRAH! FUCKING AFTERNOON SOAPS! DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE!
Alone in the limo, Mr. Maeda beats his fist against the steering wheel as he SOBS.
MAEDA: Oh pussy-feathers! This is the SIXTH time she made me wet my pants!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT - WAREHOUSE - DUSK
Jun the fifty-foot Devil Lady wrangles with the beastly twenty-foot whatchamacallit as
described by Lan Asuka.
The whatsit bites Jun's arm, Jun gouges its eye out.
The whosit spits venom in Jun's face, Jun breaks its jaw.
The thingymajig tries to sting Jun with its jellyfish stingers, Jun whacks it with a
haymaker.
The Stinkasaurus Rex aims its mighty skunk tail at her, Jun grabs it and slams it against
the far wall.
Finally, Jun grabs the whobajoob, upends it, and puts it out of its misery by body slamming
it against the concrete floor.
The shockwave causes the whole warehouse to buckle and collapse.
As the dust settles, Jun shrinks down to her normal height and stands stark naked next to
the fallen beast. Jun COUGHS and CURSES as a clean up crew of soldiers gather around.
JUN: Robe? ROBE! I'm standing ass-naked next to a skunk monster and nobody's thinking of a
simple way of saying "Thank you!" ROBE!
Mr. Maeda comes scurrying up to Jun with a white robe.
MAEDA: Here you are, Ms. Fodou. Pressed and cleaned just the way you like it!
JUN: Ah! Good man!
She points to Maeda and addresses the clean up team.
JUN: You see that? That's service! This man knows how to treat a lady! You could learn
something from a man like him!
CREWMAN #1: He's a little kiss ass.
CREWMAN #2: Just let it go, man.
Lan Asuka marches up to Jun as she dons her robe.
ASUKA: Excellent work "Hunter J", you're a credit to your country.
JUN: The credit to her country is tired and she wants to go home! (Coughs) And I want some
slippers! Is it too much for the government to supply their best kept secret with some
freakin' SLIPPERS?
MAEDA: I'll fetch some right away!
CREWMAN #1: (Mimicks Maeda) "Nyah nyah nyah I'll fetch some right away-aaay."
Crewman #2 CHUCKLES.
Asuka takes Jun to the side.
ASUKA: Tomorrow evening we're going to need you to infiltrate a nest of Beasts at the
"Lavender Pearl". They've been using...
JUN: Wait a second. The "Lavender Pearl", that's a gay pick-up bar right?
ASUKA: To all outward appearances, yes, but...
JUN: This is the fourth time you've asked me to infiltrate a gay bar.
ASUKA: I don't see the connection...
JUN: The "Blue Oyster", the "Bottom's Up", the "Indigo Club". I go into these places and
when I barely get a chance to ease up to a girl and say "Hello tiger," you guys march in
screaming "BEASTS!" and you machine gun the place up!
ASUKA: So our men are a little trigger happy...
JUN: Are you guys homophobes or something?
ASUKA: Your presence there is vital to our operation...
JUN: Ohhhh, wait a second. Wait a second! I get it! The token Beast, no, the token GAY
goes in. You shoot the place up, and with me in the picture you can say, "Oh wait, it's
not because they're GAY. Look, We've got one on staff!"
ASUKA: The warehouse today wasn't a gay hang-out.
JUN: Oh come on... it's a WAREHOUSE by a PIER. Get a clue!
Jun turns toward the whole clean up crew.
JUN: Who do you guys think you're fooling? Is there anyone here who's not in on the joke?
MAEDA: What's the joke? I don't get it!
JUN: Beast enclaves, gay bars... it's the same damn thing to you, isn't it? "Beast" equals
"Gay"! You know what? I'm blowing the lid off this! I'm gonna go to the local TV station
and put you in your graves!
ASUKA: (Clears throat) Are you at all concerned about your grandfather's health?
JUN: Oh, don't even! DON'T EVEN GO THERE! Worry about your own neck! I'm the key to this
whole operation! I go, the whole show goes! I'm not afraid of you! I'm a FIFTY FOOT TALL
SHE-DEMON with wings the size of a jumbo jet!
CREWMAN #1: Oh shit, here comes the speech again...
JUN: I could crush you under my big toe! I can drop kick your ass into another time
zone...
ASUKA: (Rolls eyes) Blerdy-blerdy-bler bler...
JUN: I shoot lightning out of my boobies! I'm as big and as bad as it gets! KING KONG
AIN'T GOT SHIT ON ME!
CREWMAN #1: Think you can stand up and tell off MRS. JUN FODOU with a speech like that?
JUN: Say WHAT?
CREWMAN #2: Aw god, now you've done it...
Jun starts marching from one clean up man to the next.
JUN: Who the FUCK said that? Step up to me and say that! I am NOBODY'S doormat! When I'm at
home, I RUN that ship! I am the QUEEN of my CASTLE!
CREWMAN #1: Which makes Kazumi the KING, right? The whole crew DRAWS A BREATH.
CREW: Awwwwwwwww, snap! No you didn't!
Jun's eyes start glowing, she makes a fist, MUMBLES under her breath, and exhales.
JUN: You know what? You're not worth it! Clean up crew? You'd be cleaning toilets if it
weren't for me!
She points to one crewman after the other.
JUN: Fuck YOU, fuck YOU, you in the back? FUCK you, too! And a triple- lindy,
double-dutch FUCK OFF to anyone I missed! (To Maeda) Drive my regal ass home!
Mr. Maeda scampers over to the limo and opens the door for Jun. Jun marches inside...
ASUKA: One more thing!
Jun glowers at Asuka as she hands her three flashcards.
JUN: What's this?
ASUKA: Your alibi.
JUN: My alibi to who?
CREWMAN #2: To whoever wears the PANTS in the family back home!
The crew LAUGHS.
ASUKA: Shut it!
Jun snatches the cards, SLAMS the door in Asuka's face, and the limo drives off.
Asuka walks over to the first and second crewmen.
ASUKA: You were pretty funny back there.
CREWMAN #1: Well we try to lighten things up...
Asuka delivers a kick to both men's crotches. They double over in pain, GROANING. She
turns to the other crewmen.
ASUKA: Any other comedians?
No answer.
ASUKA: Clean it up!
CUT TO:
EXT - JUN'S BUILDING - NIGHT
The limousine pulls up to the front door of the apartment building.
CUT TO:
INT - ASUKA'S LIMOUSINE - NIGHT
Mr. Maeda turns around in his seat to face Jun, who's sprawled out on the rear passenger
seat SNORING.
MAEDA: (Stammers) Miss Jun, we're back at your place. Miss Jun?
Jun jerks awake and looks around. She sees Mr. Maeda gawking at her.
JUN: What're YOU lookin' at?
MAEDA: Um... just making sure you're eyes aren't glowing, Miss Jun.
Jun GROANS and sits upright.
JUN: Hey, Maeda...
MAEDA: Yes, Miss Jun?
JUN: You think I'm a doormat?
MAEDA: (Gulps) No Miss Jun, I think you're experiencing a typical domestic dispute with
your spouse... uh, girlfriend ... d'oh! ROOMATE! It's perfectly natural and it can be
resolved through adult conversation...
JUN: Okay, thanks Dr. Phil. See ya when I see ya.
MAEDA: Goodnight Miss Jun.
Jun opens the door.
MAEDA: Miss Jun?
JUN: Yyyeeesss?
MAEDA: The flashcards with your alibi, they're on the floor. Don't forget to bring them.
Jun frowns and swipes the flash cards off the floor.
JUN: 'Night.
MAEDA: Goodnight again, and thanks for not turning into a demon on the drive back home.
JUN: Ha ha ha.
Jun exits the limo.
CUT TO:
EXT - JUN'S BALCONY - NIGHT
Kazumi, peeking discreetly over the balcony ledge, sees Jun marching out of the limo
towards the front door.
KAZUMI: (Whispers) Ooooh, she's back from her business trip! Are YOU in for a surprise,
Honey-lumps!
Kazumi sneaks off the balcony back inside the apartment.
CUT TO:
INT - ELEVATOR - NIGHT
Jun flips through the alibi cards and reads them aloud.
JUN: "Session lasted longer than I thought..." blerdy blerdy bler bler... "got caught in
Shinjuku traffic, you know how that can be!" Yadda yadda yadda, "Accident on the road...
rubber- neckers... grabbed some take out." (Squints) "P. S., I am IRON MAN?" (Rolls eyes)
Oh funny. Yeah you're real funny, Asuka. Ha ha ha.
CUT TO:
INT - HALLWAY - NIGHT
Kazumi pokes her head outside Jun's apartment door. When the elevator door rings, she
ducks inside and locks the door.
Jun slouches out the door while she rips up the alibi cards. She reaches the door. She
reaches under her armpit. There is a TEARING sound.
JUN: YEEOOOWW!
Jun un-tapes the key from her armpit, then opens the door.
CUT TO:
INT - JUN'S FOYER - NIGHT
Jun enters the apartment and notices the lights are on.
JUN: Oh, I hope you didn't stay up all this time for me. Man, it was crazy. The client had
me stay two extra hours, then that traffic - I mean, it's Shinjuku, right? And... OH MY
GOD.
CUT TO:
INT - JUN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Kazumi stands in the middle of the living room dressed in a Halloween nurse's outfit that
shows off a lot of leg. She wears a stethoscope around her neck and shows off a long, fat
thermometer in her right hand. Her left hand is planted provocatively on her hip.
Inexplicably, she's also wearing John Lennon "Granny" sunglasses.
KAZUMI: Well, I see the patient's arrived a little late for her appointment, but I'm sure
we can... FIT HER IN.
Jun enters the living room... very, very cautiously. "Nurse" Kazumi approaches her, hips
swaying in an exaggerated strut. She twirls the thermometer like a dagger.
JUN: What the hell's that thermometer for?
KAZUMI: Oh this thing? It's a little old fashioned I admit, but don't worry. I'm a
professsional.
JUN: I've had a really long day.
KAZUMI: And that's why you need a thorough, EXPERT examination.
JUN: This... examination. It doesn't involve us sharing the bottom bunk, does it?
KAZUMI: Oh no, no, nooooo... you're being treated by a professional here.
She waves her arm at what looks like a mat on the living room floor.
KAZUMI: Lie on the operating table.
JUN: Um, what operating table?
"Nurse" Kazumi slides the thermometer into her pocket and CLAPS her hands twice.
KAZUMI: Clap on!
The mat on the floor starts inflating. A mirror ball descends from the ceiling. Colored
projectors switch on, shine on the mirror ball and saturate the room with strobe lights and
color. The stereo switches on and the velvety strains of BARRY WHITE AND HIS LOVE
UNLIMITED ORCHESTRA waft softly through the room. The mat completes inflating into a
cherry red, plastic, queen-sized love cushion.
KAZUMI: Will the patient please stretch herself out on the table?
JUN: Nyuh... uhm... der...
KAZUMI: Would the patient prefer the nurse to help her to the table? You seem soooo tense!
As Kazumi approaches her, Jun backs up against a wall.
JUN: Wait, wait a second. This is... how do you switch this off?
KAZUMI: What for, beautiful?
JUN: The music's distracting me. I can't think. Please switch it off?
Kazumi pouts and CLAPS her hands twice.
KAZUMI: Clap off...
The strobe light stops. The mirror ball stops spinning. The smooth sounds of Barry White
and his Love Unlimited Orchestra fade to silence. The love cushion remains inflated.
KAZUMI: What's wrong, Sugar Muffin?
JUN: (Mouths the words) "Sugar Muffin?" (To Kazumi) Look, I've got a question: Where did
you get all this stuff?
KAZUMI: Well, you know, I read this article in "Cosmo" that said you should do something to
surprise your significant other when she comes home from a long day's work!
JUN: Okay, you win. I'm surprised. But I still wanna know, where did you get all this
stuff?
KAZUMI: Oh, well I went downtown to "Toys in Babeland" and "Go-Go Geisha," all those
erotica stores! Then I pieced it all together for tonight!
JUN: Okay... next question: How did you pay for all this?
Kazumi clears her throat and adjusts her sunglasses.
KAZUMI: Well first let me say that in the next few photo gigs I stand to make a lot of
money which will cover the expenses on...
JUN: Whoa, wait... WHOSE money did you use?
KAZUMI: Well what I was going to say is that the money I'm gonna make will cover the credit
card expenses...
JUN: WHOSE credit card? MY credit card?
KAZUMI: Well being that I don't have one of my own. Let me just say that if I did have my
own credit card, I would have...
JUN: You used MY credit card? You used MY money?
KAZUMI: RELAX honey, didn't I say I'd pay you back? You're not seeing this all the way
through.
Jun breathing goes RAGGED. She makes a fist. She chews on her lip and makes STRANGLED
noises in her throat. She exhales.
JUN: (To herself) Be cool... don't Hulk out. Not worth it... don't turn into a Beast...
gonna count from one to ten. One, two, three...
KAZUMI: Baby, this is ME you're talking to! I wouldn't skip out of the diner and leave you
with the check! Remember that time I treated you to raw sushi at the "Blade Runner"?
JUN: Eight... nine... ten.
She wags a finger at Kazumi.
JUN: You know what? I'm not gonna stress this, 'cause I'm gonna get LIT. I... NEED to get
lit. I've had a long fucking day and I'm not gonna stress it... I'm gonna get my secret
stash.
Jun leaves the living room...
CUT TO:
INT - JUN'S KITCHENETTE - NIGHT
Jun walks over to the cupboard, hops onto the counter, and reaches above the cupboard. She
pulls down a vintage 1970s "KISS" lunchbox and hops down from the counter.
JUN: I know I'm down to one spliff, which means I gotta call that friend of mine who knows
this guy. I gotta do it sometime this week and...
Jun opens the lunchbox. It's empty.
JUN: Where's my spliff?
CUT TO:
INT - LVING ROOM - NIGHT
"Nurse" Kazumi folds her arms and bites her lip.
KAZUMI: Mmmm...
CUT TO:
INT - JUN'S KITCHENETTE - NIGHT
JUN: That was my last damn spliff and I know I didn't light it. So where...
INT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Kazumi adjusts her granny glasses.
KAZUMI: Mmm-hmmm...
Jun marches back into the living room and glares at Kazumi.
KAZUMI: Yeeeaaaahhh, um...
Jun snatches the sunglasses off Kazumi's face.
Kazumi breaks into a goofy smile. The "whites" of her eyes are as red as a Texas sunset.
KAZUMI: Ya know, time really DOES slow down when you're baked.
Jun steps back. Both hands clench into fists. Her whole body stiffens. She throws her
head back.
JUN: Oh... Ohhh... OHHHHHH... Here it comes. Here it fucking comes!
KAZUMI: You want me to get you a valium or something?
Jun's head flips forward and her gaze fixes onto Kazumi. Her eyes are glowing.
JUN: Girl, you have TEN SECONDS to clear the fuck outta my HOUSE!
KAZUMI: Wait... are you really angry at me?
JUN: HERE COMES THE PAIN!!!
Jun's body shudders and swells. Her hair starts whipping and flailing around her scalp.
KAZUMI: Oh god, are you having your period?
Jun's bathrobe begins to jerk and tear apart. Her lips part and reveal fangs. She grows
taller and broader.
KAZUMI: Oh dear...
Jun's bosoms burst through the front of her robe. Her back splits the rear of her robe in
half.
KAZUMI: Oh me...
Jun reaches a height of eight feet. Her toenails turn into talons, as do her fingernails.
KAZUMI: Oh my...
Jun's hair coalesces into a pair of large horns. A long, thin, menacing tail whips out
from the base of her spine and lashes around the floor.
KAZUMI: OH GOODNESS!
JUN: (Snarls) That's right! Look at me! Look at me, you human worm! It is the last thing
you shall ever see! Let your eyes drink in my terrible beauty before I gouge them out! For
I am the Lady of Devils! Queen of the Underworld! The ravager of lives! I am...
KAZUMI: You are drop dead GORGEOUS!
JUN: Huh?
KAZUMI: I mean, look at you! Hel-LO, tiger!
JUN: Um... behold my...
KAZUMI: Oh I AM beholding! And Nurse Kazumi likes what she sees!
JUN: No, no, no! Take a look at me! I'm a fucking MONSTER!
KAZUMI: I'LL say you are! Meee-OWWW!
Kazumi skips up to the eight foot she-demon, reaches up and strokes her arms.
KAZUMI: Oooh, such fine definition!
JUN: I could trample you under my feet... what are you DOING?
Kazumi runs her fingers against Jun's abdomen.
KAZUMI: Oh, I'd to like to bounce a coin off THAT!
JUN: Look, stop that! That TICKLES! You're supposed to fear me!
Kazumi turns her attention to Jun's legs.
KAZUMI: (Coos) I didn't know you worked out! Oh my GAWD, what a hunk of WOMAN!
Kazumi fondles Jun's mighty gams. Then she strolls hungrily around Jun's towering figure.
JUN: Look, don't poke your finger there! That's... OOH! No! This is sexual harassment,
you know! I... HEY! Let go of my tail!
Kazumi lifts up and traces her fingers along Jun's demonic tail.
KAZUMI: Wow, and they said only MEN came with a third leg!
JUN: OH! Ugh, that is totally gross! Stop that! This is getting CREEPY!
Kazumi turns her attention to Jun's glutes.
KAZUMI: Oh... my... god! I've died and gone to heaven! Look at the tone on those!
JUN: Don't...
KAZUMI: Such a round...
JUN: I'm warning you...
KAZUMI: ...firm...
JUN: Takiura Kazumi don't you DARE!
KAZUMI: ...TUCHUS!
Kazumi grabs a buttock in each hand and squeezes them greedily.
JUN: YIPE!!!
KAZUMI: Luck-YYYYYY!
Jun wrestles her cheeks free of Kazumi's grip and leaps toward the door.
JUN: You are bug shit CRAZY!
KAZUMI: I'm crazy for YOU, my Demon Lover!
JUN: Keep away from me!
KAZUMI: You are a magnet, and I am STEEL!
There's a KNOCK at the door!
VOICE: What's going on in there?
JUN: Oh thank GOD! (To Kazumi) Don't you DARE move!
Jun opens the door. The DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR starts in.
NEIGHBOR: I'm from downstairs! This racket's been keeping my kids up and... I... was...
Jun pokes her demonic, eight foot body halfway through the door and meets the neighbor's
gaze.
JUN: You came just in time! You have GOT to call the police! This crazy woman forced her
way into my house... my life... and she's completely unstable! Are you listening to me?
WHAT?
NEIGHBOR: SATAN! AAIIIIIGH!
The neighbor tear-asses down the hallway, runs into the wall and hits the floor out cold.
JUN: Aw, that's great! Just great! Now what am I gonna do?
KAZUMI: You'll just have to have your examination!
Jun looks over her shoulder and sees Kazumi tapping her backside with the thermometer.
Jun twists free and backs toward the balcony.
JUN: All right you sex starved freak! I'm laying down the law... Either YOU go, or I go!
Kazumi slithers over to the red plastic inflatable love cushion, hops aboard, pats the free
half and winks at Jun.
JUN: Holy freakin' FUDGESICLES!
Jun runs toward the balcony...
CUT TO:
EXT - BALCONY - NIGHT
Jun dashes out of the apartment, pounces onto the ledge, sprouts her large demon wings and
takes flight. Kazumi chases after her up to the ledge.
KAZUMI: You'll be BACK, Huggie Buns! You ALWAYS come back! (Rubs her tummy) Man, that
sweet leaf can sure give you the munchies! Wonder if there's Twinkies in the fridge?
CUT TO:
INT - MR. MAEDA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Mr. Maeda sleeps soundly in his bed until a LOUD KNOCK snaps him awake. He hops out of
bed, puts on his bathrobe and leaves the bedroom.
CUT TO:
INT - FRONT DOOR, MR. MAEDA'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Mr. Maeda reaches the front door and peeks through the peephole.
MAEDA: Who's up at this hour?
A HUSKY BUT FEMININE voice responds.
VOICE: I uh, need your help.
MAEDA: I should warn you, I'm armed!
VOICE: Goody for you. Let me in.
Maeda pulls out his pistol and swiftly opens the door...
...and sees a timid, eight-foot-tall, demonic Jun huddled outside the hallway.
MAEDA: EEK!
JUN: Look, I need a place to crash tonight. Is it okay if I come in?
MAEDA: Duh?
Jun bares her fangs pleadingly.
JUN: Pleeeeeeeaase?
MAEDA: Oh, it's YOU! Good gracious, I thought you were some succubus come to ravish me in
my sleep!
Jun's blazing eyes blink once, twice, three times...
JUN: Tea-Em-Eye!
Maeda gives her some room.
MAEDA: No please, come in, come in!
Jun lurches through the door.
MAEDA: Careful, your wings might hit my china!
JUN: Oop! Oh, sorry...
CUT TO:
INT - MR. MAEDA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Maeda leads the crouching, eight foot she-demon to the couch.
MAEDA: You can sleep here.
JUN: Um... I'm eight feet tall.
MAEDA: Oh! Oh, right.
Awkward silence.
JUN: I don't mind sleeping on the floor.
MAEDA: Sure, I'll get you a blanket.
JUN: Thanks. I had a little disagreement with the... um...
MAEDA: Spouse? No... Girlfriend? Wait, that's not right... the uh... uh...
JUN: Psycho roommate from hell.
MAEDA: If you say so.
Jun curls up on the floor.
JUN: Awww god... what a day, what a day... I'm sorry to do this to you, Mr. Maeda.
MAEDA: Well, these things happen.
JUN: They sure do.
MAEDA: I can make you some warm milk. Would you like that? It'll help you to sleep.
JUN: You'd do that? Oh wow. That'd be great. You're a real cool guy.
MAEDA: Thank you! I'll get a blanket... two blankets, considering how big you are.
JUN: You're good people, you know that?
MAEDA: Well, I try.
Mr. Maeda vanishes into the kitchen, while Jun curls up to rest.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
INT - JUN'S APARTMENT - DAY
Jun, back in her human form, sits across from Kazumi on the living room couch.
JUN: You're a nut.
KAZUMI: You're a demon.
Pause.
JUN: Touche.
KAZUMI: I'm sorry about what I did last...
JUN: Look, if you're gonna live under my roof, there's got to be some ground rules.
KAZUMI: Mmm-hmm.
JUN: First rule: No groping, stroking or fondling without my consent. Everything is above
the waist.
Kazumi regards Jun's chest and betrays a sly smile.
JUN: Don't even...
Kazumi GIGGLES.
JUN: Second rule: No drugs. Thanks to you, I can't keep any gangia around the house. Not
when I know you can't handle the stuff. So there goes my safety valve. Now I have to take
up yoga or something... This is gonna hurt me more than it does you.
KAZUMI: Tasted icky anyway...
JUN: Well there you go. Third rule: You touch my credit cards and I will kill you. I will
kill you dead. You said you were gonna pay for all that and I'm gonna hold you to that
promise. And it's up to you to auction all that shit on EBay.
KAZUMI: Can we keep the Barry White?
JUN: Yes, we can keep the Barry White.
KAZUMI: Luck-YYYYY...
Jun claps her hands over her ears.
JUN: PLEASE. It's early. Don't do that... my head. Come up with a new catchphrase. Like
"far out", or "groovy", or "dat's the shiznit, yo".
KAZUMI: How about "Rockin' like Dokken"?
JUN: Whatever floats your boat.
Kazumi wriggles closer to Jun. Her lips are an inch away from Jun's.
KAZUMI: May I?
JUN: Keep it clean.
Kazumi leans in and pecks her lips... and her cheek, and the other cheek, and the chin, and
the forehead. She makes a move for the earlobe.
JUN: CLEAN, I said.
KAZUMI: (Pouts) Ooh, you're no fun.
Kazumi rises from the couch and sashays to the bathroom door. She throws a smoldering,
over-the-shoulder glance to Jun.
KAZUMI: And tell your big, butch, muscular friend that She can come around... ANYTIME.
Kazumi skips into the bathroom with a GIGGLE. The sound of a SHOWERHEAD comes from within.
Jun collapses onto the couch and heaves a RAGGED SIGH.
JUN: That chick is gonna get me thrown in jail.
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