Food is the highway to a man/woman/cat’s heart AN: Here is my personal version of ‘Sleepy Hollow’, the movie, and an allusion to ‘Le Cid’ by Corneille (if you know what I’m talking about, I’ll give you a virtual cookie)... “OOOOOOH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OOOOOOOOHHHH - kof - kof - Ugh! Still have to train for the maniacal laughter!” The young women looked upon hearing the bone-chilling sound and found a leather armor-clad (understand small pieces of leather and chain-mail only covering strategic points in the pure tradition of heroic-fantasy heroines) woman with long green hair and bright orangish skin on the roof where the Puss in boots had probably been thrown from. She rested her hands on her hips, arrogantly looking down on them. “Listen to me pathetic creatures! Fear my wrath, I am Pumpkin, the official right hand woman of the real badass of this story! My mission is to kill you after making you feel endless pain, despair and abject terror...” She licked her sensual lips. “... And I’ll take great pleasure in doing so.” She finished huskily. She then reached in her generous cleavage and produced a purse, taking something from inside, she threw it at the group of gaping women. Dread filled their innocent heart. Surely, something awful was going to happen! After such a grandiose introduction, it had to! Hell was probably about to vomit its monstrous armies! Herds of demons would ravage the world, burn, torture and... and confiscate all the booze for themselves, leaving no hope to mortals! “Err... guys?” Ami said. “It’s just a little bean...” “A bean?” The three others echoed dumbly. “Yes, you know, any kind of leguminous plant with edible usually kindney- shaped seeds in long pods, which is obviously what she’s just thrown...” Ami found herself on the receiving end of three blank stares during two good minutes before two of them finally lightened with understanding. Donkey Pelt was left trying understanding the dictionary definition. “Errmh... A bean, hum, yes... Are you sure?” Michiru asked at last, having protectively placed herself between the threatening bean lying on the ground a few meters away and the cute feline. Makoto had done just the same since Ami was still tending the cat, although she didn’t come too close to Michiru. The fish smell was steadily getting worse. “I am fairly positive.” “No, I meant, don’t you think it’s a trap or something?” The young dwarf carefully pondered the question. “Well, there is always a margin of error, but taking into account that nothing has happened for the past five minutes yet, that Miss Pumpkin looks as confused and clueless as Donkey Pelt and after solving a simple probability formula, I can say with a 82 % certainty, give or take 10 %, that this little bean is harmless, as long as none of the variables change of course.” Makoto just glomped the young dwarf. “Isn’t she cute when she’s talking like that? I don’t understand a bean, but it sounds so melodramatic! How could I not fall for her!” “... Le...legumistuff ?” Donkey Pelt asked, clearly stuck some lines ago. Michiru blinked several times. “So, you mean I could go and have a bath ?” “Arrrgh!” Answered both Ami and the Puss in boots, the former turning as blue as her hair in the strong embrace of her girlfriend while the later started waking up. Michiru kneeled back close to the mysterious Puss in boots, making Makoto hastily back away and Ami put a gaz mask on. “Ooooh! God bless you Ami! She’s waking up!” She said, completely unaware of the others’s reactions. “Hey you worthless heroines! Stop ignoring me! It’s supposed to be the great fighting scene where I easily wipe your sorry arses out!” A dumbfounded silence answered her. “Hum... Sorry ‘bout that... but I don’t think any of us is into scato...” Michiru finally managed to say, her (upper) cheeks and her friends’s own burning (you didn’t expect me to go and check on the lowers, did you? Not that I would mind, but I’m not suicidal!). Pumpkin’s lower jaw hit the roof, making cracks under her feet. “What the...? That wasn’t what I was meaning, you perverts!” and she rageously stomped her foot. As expected in these kinds of situations, the roof gave way and she fell through it with a startled yelp. The others patiently waited for her to emerge out of the thick cloud of dough, dust and feathers. “What a brilliant strategy, Lady Michiru!” Donkey Pelt cooed, stars in her eyes. The young ogress coughed in her fist. “Hum... Brom... Yes, err, brilliant, wasn’t it? I’m glad everything worked out just as planned...” She was saved from the suspicious gazes of the two others, when their self- proclaimed enemy suddenly shot out of the house like she had just seen Lucifer himself. And indeed, “COME BACK HERE YOU DAMN PUNK!!!” an old hag shouted from the doorway. “I put my best lingerie on just for you! Even the pink ribbon! You could at least have said something nice to me!” With surprising strengh, she threw a large, black ball at Pumpkin before disappearing inside again, between fits of sobs. The ball missed the green-haired woman’s head, hit a wall, fell heavily on the ground with a thump and gently rolled to Donkey Pelt’s feet who picked it up. The ball was made of some solid material and Donkey Pelt’s arm quivered under it’s weight. There were three holes, rather close to one another and big enough for someone to stick their fingers into. On the opposite face, a huge white circle with a black eight was painted. “Oh wow!” She chirped “A magic ball!” Fleeing as quickly from the ogress as politeness allowed it, Makoto approached her, looking curiously at the ball. “Isn’t a magic ball supposed to be a billiard ball, not a bowling one? Or made of crystal?” Seeing that everyone was ignoring her again, Pumpkin pulled a nasty looking sword from behind her back and growling, charged Michiru. “I’m gonna cut your head off and take it as a trophee!” She snarled. The young ogress was caught off guard by the attack since she had redirected all her attention back to the moaning (and damn cute) cat. The assassin smirked, just one swift slash and her mission would be partly achieved. When she was about two meters away from Michiru, time seemed to slow down as she was about to strike the surprised ogress. She licked her lips, thinking about the terror her victim was certainly feeling... Then it hit her. The stench wafted up her nostrils directly to her brain, it was so sharp that it threathened to fry the rosy organ to a crisp. It was like being hit by a professional boxer. Her eyes watered and foam appeared on the side of her mouth as she bonelessly collapsed at Michiru’s feet. “What was that all about?” The Puss weakly asked. When she had woken up, the beautiful young ogress was the first thing she saw. Well, it was the second, if you considered the dwarf who had almost caused her to have an heart attack with the awful giant fly head-looking mask that covered her face, but it didn’t count... She didn’t know why, but being so close to the ogress was even more compelling than the last time. It was as if each time she saw her, she was even more attracted. Yeah, there was just something about her that made her want to nuzzle her and... Michiru tenderly stroked the cat’s jaw line, causing her to purr automatically. “Nothing relevent... I think this woman just spent way too much time in a suntan center. She’s out for good.” Her hand drifted behind the cat’s ears and the purr got significantly louder. “Are you alright? Can you stand up?” The Puss reluctantly nodded and got up. She couldn’t remember having enjoyed being simply petted that much for ages. She was a wild cat after all, and wild cat had their pride! They certainly weren’t humans’s, or ogres’s toys! A wild cat was its own master! A wild cat was always in control! “Woah! Lady Michiru, you were right! It really exist ! It’s soooo cute!” Donkey Pelt rushed to the giant cat, apparently completely unaffected by Michiru’s smell. Holding the ball under one arm, she began to scratch her behind her ears as well and the cat began to senselessly purr again. “Err, yes...” Michiru was startled to discover how it annoyed her that someone else petted the giant cat. It was just Donkey Pelt after all. Nothing to worry about! She turned back to the cat. “Excuse me for being so rude. You saved my life and I never got to thank you properly. I didn’t even introduce myself and my friends.” She was satisfied when she got the cat’s attention back and pointed at her companions successively. “Here are Ami Mizuno, Donkey Pelt and Makoto Kino. And my name is Michiru Kaioh...” She said as she gracefully curtsided. Getting a grip on herself, the giant cat executed a very elaborate salute with her hat. “I’m honored to be in such delicious company.” She then gently caught Michiru’s right hand in her paw, intending to gentlemanly kiss it. “My name’s Tenoh... Tenoh Haruka...” She took a whiff of Michiru’s delicate scent and barely stopped herself lapping at the hand. Michiru gasped and brutally freed her hand. “You... You really are the famous Haruka Tenoh? The one who killed my sixth degree cousin and took his land over?” She looked at the cat bitterly. “And here I thought you were only a legend to scare little ogres...” She took a few steps back, assuming a fighting stance while the others, save Makoto, gathered around her. She almost had tears in her eyes when she asked “Did you really kill him?” ‘Oh fuck! She said cousins!’ Haruka was thrown off balance by the sudden change of atmosphere. She wanted to deny everything, she wanted to erase the look of hurt and betrayal in those beautiful blue eyes. She wanted to be petted again... But she couldn’t, she had made a promise a long time ago. Her honour, as well as other people’s happiness, people dear to her heart, were in balance. She sighed regretfully. “Yes, I killed him...” “The... legend says you made him transform in a mouse and... and...” she couldn’t imagine it, it was too awful. “... Are you here to... eat me too?” Michiru’s voice was quivering. “Yes... I am...” Life sucked! --------------------------------------------------------------- The four women walked silently on the forest stony path. Once in a while, one of them would cast a worried glance at the young ogress leading them. It was as if all the light, all hapiness had been sucked out of her. She was just walking, staring blankly ahead. It had been like that ever since she tried to kill Haruka who easily escaped with an unnatural rapidity. As far as Ami and Makoto were concerned, the only improvement was that Michiru had taken a bath after that, at least. Finally, Donkey Pelt mustered enough courage to approach the morose ogress. “Lady Michiru? What’s wrong?” “Wrong? Wrong? Nothing’s wrong ! I’m a freak, the only prince available is gay, I keep getting soiled, the puss I have a crush on is an assassin hired to kill me and even though I’ve been exiled from my own community, I’m still bound to kill her by family law. If I don’t, I’ll be considered as a traitor by all my kin, hunted down and tortured to death! I’m sure they don’t even have proper hygiene regulations in jail! But there’s nothing wrong with that! EVERYTHING’S PERFECTLY FINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!” “Oh good, I was getting worried!” Donkey Pelt beamed. Michiru pressed the back of her hand to her forehead. “Oh Rage! Oh deep Despair! Oh Lust, my Enemy! Have I lived so long only to deserve such vile fate?” She sighed tiredly. “Why do I even bother...?” “So, you still are attracted to Haruka?” Ami asked matter-of-factly. The ogress abruptly stopped while her cheeks flushed. “Yes... I mean... No! I can’t love her! She murdered my cousin!” “Yeah, but she’s so charming and classy and sexy...” Donkey Pelt interjected dreamily. “... And I’m sure she’s potty-trained!” She added approvingly. The three others face-planted. “Anyway...” Michiru said when she recovered “... She admitted she wanted to eat me, so I guess I have no choice, I’ll have to face her!” Ami and Makoto blushed profusely. -------------------------------------------------------------- “Pumpkin-honeyyy!” The old voice came muffled through the closed door. “Guess what! I just found the tiny winny bikini I wore when I won the Miss Potatoe Beauty Contest! And it still suits me!” A cackle that was meant to be a girlish giggle was then heard. In abject terror, Pumpkin trashed on the bed she was cuffed to, desesperately pulling on the chains... A.N: I want to thank all my reviewers, Kiwi, Leena9, Hellcat666, Edna, Kino Amiko, Criptic and last but not least, unknown! Thanks for all the comments guys! Although I didn’t understand yours, Criptic (Hand To Hand? Hard To Howl? Heaven To Hell? Highschool To Hichway? Have To Hate? Haruka Tenoh on H? Hilly-billy Tinny Hind?... )
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