Where Did You Go?
Author’s notes: Hi everyone! ^-^ This is my first Sonomi & Nadeshiko story. I
just love Sonomi-san and I feel so horrible that she lost her beloved Nadeshiko.
;_; I really hope I can write more about them. ^-^ If you have any comments,
please e-mail me. ^-^
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sonomi Daidouji sighed miserably, looking out at the forest from the
balcony where she used to play with her darling little cousin, Nadeshiko. She
had come out to her grandfather’s house out in the woods to get away from it all.
Both the business pressure of everyday life at the Daidouji Toy Company and
also the more profound pain that wasn’t so easily escaped. “Nadeshiko-chan,”
she whispered softly into the wind, only seeing a brewing storm where her
cousin had seen rainbows.
She had asked Tomoyo to come along as well. A little time away would
be good for her. Especially now that the Chinese boy had returned. But her
daughter had politely refused, saying that she wished to stay near Sakura during
all this, even if it hurt. Another, darker sigh escaped the older woman’s lips. If
only Tomoyo had told Sakura like she’d always told her to. Holding back would
only get you years of pain, she had tried to explain to her young daughter. But
she had just smiled and replied that all she wanted was for Sakura to be happy.
She would understand when she was ready to. Did that mean that Nadeshiko
had never been ready to understand her feelings? Would the same be true of
Nadeshiko’s daughter? When you love someone so much that they’re your very
reason to greet the new day, their loss can destroy you. And loss wasn’t
necessarily their death, either. Sonomi had lost her dear Nadeshiko when he had
stolen her away. That quiet teacher that had apparently no idea of just how much
Nadeshiko had meant to her. She knew he was smarter than that. He had known
all along, but had taken her anyway. Despite Sonomi’s best efforts to stop him,
it wasn’t enough. Destroyed and lacking any will to go on, she had left, her only
reminder the bouquet from Nadeshiko’s wedding. Would her daughter be just as
wrongfully punished for the sin of loving one so much?
The first cold droplets of rain hit the matriarch of the Daidouji family
like bitter tears. She closed her eyes as she leaned against the railing, the sweet
echoes of years long gone still stirring through the old house. “Where are you,
Nadeshiko-chan?” she heard herself ask into the coming storm. “I need you now
more than I ever did. I always said I’d protect you, but I did a rather terrible job,
didn’t I? I couldn’t protect you from him and I couldn’t protect you from death.
I couldn’t scare if off with a dirty look, I couldn’t keep you alive and happy. I
couldn’t keep you with me. Every day that goes by, I can feel you. Every time I
see her, your daughter, I can feel you so close to me. I can see why Tomoyo-
chan loves her so. She has the same sweet innocence that you did, Nadeshiko-
chan. The same caring soul.” Sonomi barely noticed the tears mixing with the
rain drops down her cheeks. “But what have I done to curse my family? Why
doesn’t Tomoyo-chan deserve the happiness that Kinomoto-san robbed from
me? Tomoyo-chan tries to be so happy, so strong for Sakura-chan, but she can’t
keep it up. I know because I’ve lived through the worst of it. And I know she
won’t last much longer. If you pour all of your love out for so long without any
love returned to you, you start to die. Just like a flower. Slowly and painfully
until you wilt away.” Looking up, her hair started to get thrown around by the
strong winds. “I miss you so much. Even here. But I remember you smiling and
laughing. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it means that I can smile.”
“Where are you, Nadeshiko-chan? I love you.”
‘Oh, Sonomi, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I.. I didn’t
understand. I thought you would always be there. When you left, I was
devastated. I didn’t know if I could go on without my big cousin Sonomi there
to make everything all right. I thought I loved him but... It had to be this way.
We had to have Sakura so that everything could come about. And you had
Tomoyo because of your loneliness. It’s always so sweet seeing you with your
daughter. I still can’t believe you have her keep her hair like mine. You make a
wonderful mother, Sonomi. I’m right here. I’m right with you, just like I always
am. I’m keeping an eye on you. And my daughter. And yours. But you can’t see
me. I want to cry at that. If only... But you’ll understand one day. Because I’m
waiting for you, Sonomi. I’ll be waiting for you here as soon as your life is over.
Waiting right here. Oh, I’m sorry. Oh, Sonomi...’
A knock at the front door startled Sonomi out of her reverie. Who could
it be all the way out here in the woods? She contemplated leaving the visitor
alone for a moment, but finally decided against it. Who would be all the way up
here if it wasn’t important? It had better be, at least. The businesswoman headed
through the large home with sure steps towards the door. Maybe Tomoyo had
decided to come up after all. All she would have to do is tell her bodyguards to
drive her out here. And her grandfather would be thrilled to see her. Or maybe it
would be Sakura out here like she had been so long ago. If it was, Sonomi would
have to tell her all about the way of things and make her understand just how
much Tomoyo loved her. If Tomoyo wasn’t going to, someone needed to spell
things out for the brunette. She swore Sakura could be just as dense as her
mother. “Nadeshiko...?” Not even realizing she’d said her name, Sonomi was
staring directly at the very woman who had left the biggest impact on her life.
Suddenly she was ten again, up with her cousin at her grandfather’s house for
the weekend, the two of them playing happily as Sonomi tried her hardest to
protect her fragile little cousin.
Long, gray hair framed the picture perfect face of the woman in the
doorway. “Sonomi!” she exclaimed happily, her heart pounding in her chest as
she smiled brightly. Her long curly hair fluttered in the wet wind as the coming
storm began to pick up. Her face hadn’t changed at all, still the same beautiful
features that had adorned her the day she’d died oh so many years ago. Her long
white dress clung to her loosely in the wind. Smiling emerald eyes playfully
grasped Sonomi’s own.
The specter just stood there in the doorway staring back at Sonomi for a
long moment. Before Sonomi could tell herself that this was a stress induced
hallucination, the figure of her long dead cousin lunged forward in a warm
embrace. “Na… Nadeshiko-chan?” she asked weakly, feeling the blood drain
from her body. Her thoughts swirled like the storm that would soon be upon
them. She could barely form any coherent thought as she stood in the embrace,
her emotions warring in her heart. Ignoring them all, she hugged her cousin back
as tightly as she could. Everything was the same, from her soft touch to the
sweet scent of her hair that tickled Sonomi’s nose.
Nadeshiko stood there for a long moment in Sonomi’s protective arms.
That had been a lot easier than she’d thought. She had been so worried that
Sonomi would send her away, that she’d be angry with her. It had taken her
forever to work up the courage to knock on the door. But now, in her cousin’s
arms, it all felt right again. Maybe Sonomi wasn’t mad at her after all. But... No,
she couldn’t think about what could go wrong right now. She just had to follow
her heart and it would all work out. This time she wouldn’t waver from her
heart. A few more cold droplets of ice water splashed against her ivory skin,
making her shiver. “Umm… Sonomi, do you mind if I come in?”
Still completely caught off guard by her cousin’s sudden reappearance,
Sonomi nodded weakly. “Hai, come right in, Nadeshiko-chan. I don’t want you
getting wet. You could catch cold.”
Nadeshiko giggled as she let the older woman escort her inside. Old
habits died hard, apparently. Sonomi was still as overprotective of her as always.
Something about that was reassuring. Sonomi was nearly as overprotective with
her daughter as she’d been with her. Watching with a little concern at her
cousin’s shocked expression, she waved her hand in front of Sonomi’s face, the
brunette’s slant hairstyle moving from side to side as she shook her head.
“Sonomi, are you alright? You seem so... agitated.”
“I’m fine, Nadeshiko-chan. Just fine. I...” Sonomi shook her head
again, at a loss for words. Her dear, sweet, beloved Nadeshiko-chan was
standing there in the living room. Hadn’t she practiced over and over what she’d
say to her if she ever saw her again? But now it all drained away. She had never
thought she would actually have the chance. Her hand reached out slowly, shaky
fingers brushing Nadeshiko’s soft cheek and gray hair. Pulling back, afraid that
she’d disappear, Sonomi just watched her cousin for several uneasy moments.
She had the urge to take her in her arms, kiss her, and never let her go. Instead,
she tried very hard not to blink once as she went over and started rummaging
through her purse.
Watching silently, Nadeshiko took a seat in the plush chair her
grandfather had bought when she was...eleven? No, that was the year Sonomi
had dragged her out of the pool because she’d thought she was drowning. Nine?
No, that was when they’d gone hiking and she’d sprained her ankle and Sonomi
had tried to walk all the way back home with her on her back. No, the chair was
definitely when she was twelve. Smiling pleasantly as she pushed her memories
to the side, she placed her hands in her lap. The smile faded as she watched
Sonomi pacing back and forth with a cigarette. Sonomi had stopped back the
first time Nadeshiko had caught her when they were teenagers. All she had had
to say was that she didn’t want Sonomi doing that and the other girl had quit
altogether. It didn’t matter that it could have ruined her on the track team, all
that mattered was that she didn’t want her to. But Sonomi’s shaking hands
showed that this was a desperate attempt to calm frayed nerves. She wanted to
get up and try to comfort her the way she used to, but she didn’t know if Sonomi
would welcome her as she used to so many years ago.
Taking a huff of the cigarette, Sonomi’s mind fought desperately to
rationalize what was going on. Too much work? Too many memories from
being back at her grandfather’s house? A bad dream? Indigestion? Did it even
matter as long as she was back? Shaking her head, she fought back tears. She
didn't think she could handle losing her again. What if this was any one of those
things? Was it even Nadeshiko? How could it be?
“It really is me, Sonomi,” Nadeshiko spoke up from across the room,
cutting into her thoughts. “I wanted to see you again. I miss you.” She frowned
sadly as her eyes met her cousin’s again. “I have ever since you left me. I was
never truly happy after I lost you, Sonomi. I wanted you to see my babies and to
be there just like we always talked about when we were little. I needed my big
cousin to watch out for me. You know I’m no good at it on my own.” A sad
laugh escaped her lips. “I just... My wedding night? Did you have to leave on
my wedding night?” Tears glistened in emerald green eyes.
The taller woman felt as if she’d been shot through the heart at the
wavering in Nadeshiko’s voice. “What? Nadeshiko-chan, you weren’t supposed
to know about it. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving. If I’d known...”
She closed her eyes but opened them hastily, afraid that her dearest Nadeshiko
would disappear, leaving her all alone once more.
“You’d have what? Left later when I couldn’t come find you and beg
you to stay?” Nadeshiko asked softly. “Do you know how much that night hurt?
I had just gotten married and found out that you were going away. That I would
never see my cousin, my best friend, ever again. Seeing the hurt in your eyes... I
couldn’t take it. Fujitaka found me crying in my wedding dress after I’d watched
you walk away for good. And then I had to put on a smile for the few members
of my family that actually came to my wedding.” As soon as the words were
out, she regretted them. No matter how painful that night had been for her, it had
been infinitely more painful for her cousin. Sonomi had felt betrayed, lost, torn
apart. She had nothing to do but run away. What would have happened had
Sonomi stayed? That would have just hurt her even more.
The room blurred around Sonomi as her eyes began welling with tears,
that painful night still vivid in her memory even after all those years. “I had to
see you one last time. I felt like I was dying the entire ceremony. One knife in
my heart after another. I could barely keep quiet when they asked if anyone had
any objections. I could barely hold in the tears. But I tried my damnedest to get
that bouquet of yours. I still have it, actually. Nadeshiko-chan, I had to see your
wedding but I couldn’t bear to be a part of your life after that. It hurt too much
knowing that I’d lost you forever. You can understand that, right? You knew I
loved you but you married him anyway. You mean everything to me, but every
time I saw you with him, I felt a piece of me die. I had nothing to live for
without you. It took me years, until I had Tomoyo-chan, that I finally had a
reason again.”
“Sonomi...” Nadeshiko whispered sadly. “I’m so sorry, Sonomi... You
know that I would never want to hurt you. I... I tried to find you... I looked
everywhere but... no one would tell me...” Tears started spilling down her pale
cheeks as the pain of the past took a firm grip on her soul. “Grandpa... He
wouldn’t even tell me... He said you didn’t.. didn’t… didn’t want to see me..” A
muffled sob escaped her lips as she brought her hands up. Something caught
them before they could reach her face. Looking up, she saw Sonomi looking
down at her, gently holding her hands.
“Nadeshiko-chan,” Sonomi whispered softly, kneeling in front of the
sitting girl. “I’m sorry. I made a huge mistake leaving, but I couldn’t live with
myself seeing… HIM… with you. I loved you too much. I started over
somewhere else, but I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped loving
you.” Bringing her hand up to the other woman’s face, she brushed some of the
long gray hair back, letting her fingers caress her soft cheek. She shook her
head. “Of course I wanted to see you. But I couldn’t handle it. There’s no way I
could have seen the two of you and kept from breaking down.”
“But..” Nadeshiko sniffled, blinking her wet eyes. “I missed you so
much. I wanted to see you so badly. You were supposed to protect me like you
always promised when we were little. I always felt safe with you. I lost that
feeling when you left. I needed you.” She closed her eyes as she felt Sonomi’s
fingers brush away her tears. The pain inside dulled slightly at Sonomi’s touch,
it always managing to comfort her. “Sonomi...” All of her fears about returning
to Sonomi seemed to fade away now that she was here with her cousin.
“Not one day goes by when I don’t think about you. Life’s been
unbearable ever since I last saw you. But somehow I’m still here and you’re
gone. It’s not fair...” Closing her eyes for a moment, Sonomi had to take a breath
before continuing. “I love you so much, Nadeshiko-chan. Why couldn’t I protect
you from him? I failed you.”
Nadeshiko placed a finger on Sonomi’s lips, shaking her head. “It’s not
his fault, Sonomi. Had I been with you, I still would have died. I got sick. There
was nothing you could have done. Please don’t blame yourself. Or him. You
have a beautiful daughter and my two precious angels came out of it, so it’s not
all bad. Thought I do regret not choosing you back then, Sonomi. I’ve missed
you terribly. I lost you when I made my decision. But you have to understand, I
was so afraid. I knew no one would understand if I chose you, that it was all so
strange. It seemed so much safer choosing him. But I never stopped loving you,
either. My love for him was... different.” Her fingers lightly brushed over
Sonomi’s lips, a soft smile forming on her own. “But it’s you I’m waiting for. I
promise I’ll make it up to you. You were the one I needed. I’m sorry I ever hurt
you.”
“Nadeshiko, don’t...” Sonomi began, but Nadeshiko’s hands on her
cheeks pulled her into a soft kiss. Her loneliness, pain, and confusion all
dissipated, her whole body being filled with the warm glow of her love for this
beautiful woman in front of her. All the years of sorrow left her in an instant, her
tears flowing more freely as she now had nothing to hold back. Her entire soul
barred to her dearest, she returned the kiss as best she could. Years of regret and
anger were replaced with a calm feeling spreading throughout her. Her fingers
intertwined in Nadeshiko’s long silky tresses, losing herself in the deepening
kiss.
Nadeshiko watched Sonomi asleep with her head on the chair, still
kneeling. She smiled softly, her fingers gently brushing through Sonomi eerily
as she began to fade away. “I love you, Sonomi. I’m waiting for you. When I
finally see you again, I’ll never let you go.” Sonomi stirred only slightly as she
went back to her peaceful slumber, dreaming of her beloved.
Back to Card Captor Sakura Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction