Untouchable Face
I think I’m going for a walk now,
A little unsteady,
Don’t want anybody to follow me . . .
. . . Except maybe you . . .
Opening the note which Li Meiling had left me, I stifled a giggle.
"I’m sorry for wetting your lap," it read. Poor Meiling did love Li
Syaoran, and had cried to no end when she had learned that he loved
another. She, like me, now only clung to the hope that his relationship
with the girl he had chosen over her would work out.
Kinomoto Sakura. My Sakura-chan.
I sat with Sakura in the park and waited for her to read her own
letter from the friend who usually lived so far away, but had come for a
visit only to hear the devastating news from Syaoran. "She said that I
am as spacey as ever and perhaps I haven’t noticed a lot of things
around me!" the girl exclaimed cheerily.
There was nothing I would permit myself to say, only smile and
allow the truth to sink deeply within me, hopefully never to be found.
Sakura immediately went off into a very excited babble.
Catching sight of Syaoran blushing furiously, I decided I might
leave the still-gushing Sakura to him, in hopes that he might confess
his love for her. "Gomen, Sakura-chan, but I believe I should go for a
walk now," I said hurriedly, hoping my leave would alert the bright-red
Syaoran, "I will see you later today?"
Sakura sighed, "Oh, but Tomoyo-chan, I’m not sure I want to be
alone now. Syaoran-san is acting very strange!"
My smile widened, a way of dealing with the gentle pain of irony,
"Perhaps you will soon know why." She gave me a confused stare as I
left, allowing my features to fall as soon as I left her line of vision.
I could make you happy, you know,
If you weren’t already . . .
I could do a lot of things,
And I do . . .
The aforementioned walk broke into a run, a desperate need to
separate myself from the situation. The weather showed signs of
changing soon. There was a good thing on which to focus my energy. I
could look forward to the first snow, and seeing Sakura-chan, and
getting the opportunity to make her a kawaii costume, and--
It was no use. My world revolved around Sakura. Not a single
seemingly unrelated thought could thrive without her. And now Syaoran
would confess to her and she would have someone to love her and she
would no longer need me and perhaps I could finally see fit to end such
a miserable existence. The half-life which was unrequited love.
~~~
"Moshi-moshi?" who else could it really be?
"Tomoyo-chan?"
‘What a slow learner I am!’ I thought disapprovingly as excitement
built of its own accord within me. "Hello, Sakura-chan! Ogenki desu
ka?"
"Tomoyo-chan . . . Syaoran . . ." My breath caught. "He told me
he loved me!"
Tell you the truth, I prefer the worst of you,
Too bad you had to have a better half.
He’s not really my type,
But I think you two are forever,
And I hate to say it, but you’re perfect together.
Detaching myself string by string from the situation at hand, I
replied gaily and without hesitation, "Oh? How do you feel about him?"
Silence filled the phone for a brief time which seemed a great
deal longer. "I don’t know, Tomoyo-chan. We’ve always been enemies
until lately . . . and frankly, I still don’t know if I like him, much
less love him! Hoe, this is so confusing! May I come over?"
More excitement, brimming within me despite everything, absolutely
everything in reality. "Yes, Sakura-chan, I would love that!"
"Arigatou, Tomoyo-chan! Ja ne!"
"Ja ne, Sakura-chan!"
Fuck you,
And your untouchable face,
Fuck you,
For existing in the first place!
And who am I,
that I should be vying for your touch?
Who am I?
I bet you can’t even tell me that much..
"Konichiwa, Sakura-chan!" I ushered a very vexed Sakura inside and
to my room. It was upsetting to me as well, though I chose not to show
it, that things were not working out for her. If I were to let go, I
wanted it to be to someone who made her happy.
"Oh, Tomoyo-chan, it’s so confusing!" And think how she’d be if I
told her . . . "I don’t want to hurt Syaoran’s feelings, but I’m just
not sure what else I can do! What do you think, Tomoyo-chan?"
I smiled helplessly, "It doesn’t matter what I think, Sakura-chan.
What matters to me is that you are happy."
"Oh, but it does matter, Tomoyo-chan, it does!" Sakura gushed and
I wished my heart would stop its relentless ascent to my throat, "You
always know what to do!" She clasped my hands and I could no longer
breathe.
"In this case, Sakura-chan, you will have to find your own
answer," I managed. "I know better than anyone that nobody can tell you
whom your heart loves."
You know, I don’t look forward to seeing you again,
You look like a photograph of yourself,
Taken from far, far away,
And I won’t know what to do,
And I won’t know what to say.
My heart was all I had left to give her. And what would she want
with that? Already, she was giving me one of those confused stares that
said she thought I was strange for saying such things.
When it had passed, however, the bewildered girl grasped my
shoulders frantically and begged, "Please, Tomoyo-chan! Onegai shimasu,
help me!"
My smile faded for the fist time in what seemed years. It had
probably faded for the first time in Sakura’s line of vision. What was
left for me to do? I couldn’t give her much, after all.
"All I can give you," I sighed deeply, preparing myself with one
last, fulfilling look at the one dearest to my heart, "is another
option. It is not a good one, nor is it one which will help you, but--"
Sakura cut me off, a look of desperation gleaming in her eyes,
"Anything will help, Tomoyo-chan."
"Aishiteru, Sakura-chan," I said it with every ounce of my being,
poured into it my lifelong devotion and all the love left within my
heart until I was drained, as I had said similar things so many times
before to unhearing ears. Meling was correct in saying that Sakura
missed a great deal of things around her.
What was I thinking?
What will I think of next?!
Where can I hide . . . ?
Her eyes widened.
Fuck you,
And your untouchable face!
No confusion, no anger, no misunderstanding lay within them.
Fuck you,
For existing in the first place!
"Oh, Tomoyo-chan!" she cried, falling into very surprised arms in
a state of relief I had never before seen in her.
And who am I,
That I should be vying for your touch?
She seemed so unreal just then. I expected the dream to end over
and over again . . . but it never did. Kinomoto Sakura, my Sakura-chan,
my one true love was here with me, she was not questioning me. She
wasn’t speaking at all, only laying in silent acceptance tinged briefly
by muffled cries.
Who am I?
I bet you can’t even tell me that much.
The neverending smile sewn into my face over years and years of
tense friendship with Sakura broke through with flourish and lustre
grown alien to my soul of late.
Who am I?
Did Sakura return my feelings? She hadn’t said anything, and I
had no concrete evidence. Not that it really mattered in such a fragile
moment at this, but I couldn’t restrain myself any longer. With
gentleness matched only by a summer breeze, I kissed her forehead Her
grasp tightened and green eyes sparkling with tears rose only slightly
to meet mine. "Aishiteru, Tomoyo-chan!"
Who am I?
Who cares?
------------------------------------------------------------
Song:
Untouchable Face; Ani DiFranco
Note:
My first attempt at a Card Captor Sakura fanfiction! Yay for me!
Comments would be welcomed with open arms.
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