Shoutan
More angsty Tomoyo-related musings for you.... yeah, it's not gonna get
happy for our poor little video-girl anytime soon I'm afraid... ;_;
though I do have a seed of an idea for a fic that, while not a happily-
ever-after per se, isn't as severe as these first two have been. If
you're wondering, "Shoutan" is a great little Japanese word that means
both "focus" and "crying in pain"..... couldn't really find a more
appropriate title for a Tomoyo story, could you? =(
Stuff in *asterisks* = thoughts.
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"Sakura-chan..... I..... I-I love you........"
Tomoyo felt a shuddering sigh of relief course through her body
at finally speaking the words she had longed to say ever since she
realised how she felt about Sakura.... *and when was that anyway?* It
was so hard for her to remember a time when she had not felt this way.
And now the truth was spoken at last - though the relief she felt at
doing so did nothing to quell the erratic pounding of her heart at the
anticipation of the Cardmistress' response. Though she had never
expected her feelings returned in equal amount, she could at least hope
that Sakura would respect the courage it had taken to reveal her most
secret longing, that she could in some way, shape or form
understand.......
In the split-second it had taken this emotional torrent to flood
through Tomoyo, she had been entirely unaware that Sakura's eyes had
widened by what appeared to be several whole inches, and as her world
came back into focus she was completely unprepared for the expression
of utter shock that her friend now wore.
"N-nani...?" Even Sakura's softest voice was enough to slice
cleanly through Tomoyo's thoughts in a heartbeat, and this was far from
Sakura's softest voice. It was more of a tone that would make a
rampaging Clow Card think twice about what it was taking on.
"Tomoyo.... you...." The look in her eyes suddenly shifted from
bewilderment to hardness. A look that Tomoyo had never seen Sakura wear
before, not even in her fiercest of battles. "How could you think like
that about me?!"
Tomoyo's mind spun. She had lain awake so many nights playing
out all of Sakura's possible reactions over and over until it hurt to
think. She thought she had prepared herself for everything, even the
worst. But when it came to the actuality of it, deep down she had hoped
beyond hope that Sakura could understand, burying the worst-case
scenario within the shadowed recesses of her mind.... because it hurt
too much to face the fact that she couldn't exist without Sakura. No,
that wasn't true...... she *didn't* exist without Sakura. The auburn-
haired girl was her life, her only friend.... her only love. She was
the only one who had ever had time for the shy, eccentric little rich
girl. Everyone else thought that Tomoyo had everything. It was so far
from the truth. Tomoyo had nothing.... nothing that mattered, anyway.
Sakura..... Sakura was all that mattered, and now she was slipping
away, her worst nightmare made truth. She took a step closer towards
her friend despite the Cardmistress' anger, hoping to console her, to
put things right....
"Sakura-cha--"
The word hadn't even left her mouth before it was punctuated by
a stinging slap across her left cheek, sending her sprawling to the
ground, her head ringing. Through the thick haze of emotion that
clouded her mind she could hear a voice cry, sharp yet strangely
distant.
"Don't ever call me that again!!"
She could sense emotion welling up behind Sakura's voice, but it
compared little to the feeling of raw despair that had torn into her
heart as surely as the auburn-haired girl's fingernails had torn into
her pale flesh, her pallor now turned almost sickeningly white at the
horrible wrenching feeling in her gut that far outstripped the pain of
Sakura's physical rebuke. Hot sanguine trickled down her cheek, crimson
tears in place of the ones that welled in her eyes but stubbornly
refused to fall, denying her even the small comfort that release would
bring. Something inside her wanted to scream, but the sound died long
before it ever found her throat, choked to death by the numbness that
was strangling her senses and consuming her rational thought.
Everything that was vital to her, every tiny seed of happiness that had
ever taken root in her heart, had been torn from deep within her,
leaving a cold, dead emptiness in its place as she watched everything
she had ever known shatter beneath the gaze of the one she loved. Not
even the memories that she had so painstakingly captured and filed away
could stand against the harsh reality she saw before her. Though her
blurry vision was no longer capable of discerning Sakura's gaze, the
mental image was burnt into her thoughts, its haunting trace searing
into every recollection she could conjure of their past together. It
didn't matter how Sakura had felt back then. She hated her now. *And I
deserve it.... I deserve to be hated..... I deserve to be alone......
because I........ because I...........* She stopped, sifting through
the broken, piercing shards of her thoughts for some kind of answer,
some reason, some justification for her punishment, almost crying out
with frustration as she found nothing. *Why? What did I do anyway? Why
are these feelings so wrong that they deserve your hatred?* Cracking
under her own emotional exhaustion, her small body convulsed
uncontrollably as the tears she sought finally fell, her eyes
struggling to fixate on the rippling green pools that were Sakura's.
*Please tell me why...... Sakura-chan....... please tell me.........*
"..........please........."
The final word escaped, half-choked, from lips stained with
blood that Tomoyo had lost the capacity to taste. For the first time
since the dark-haired girl had spoken her confession, Sakura looked at
her, really looked at her. Though the scrape on her cheek had only been
a flesh wound, it had cut so deeply into Tomoyo that she looked as
though the blows to her psyche had been physical. The blood starkly red
against her alabaster skin, the crumpled little thing in front of her
that had once been Daidouji Tomoyo looked like nothing so much as a
discarded doll, a child's plaything left face-down and dirtied on the
cold concrete of Penguin Park, unwanted. Sakura remembered having once
found a doll like this at the park; it so depressed her that she took
the poor forgotten thing home and patched it up. But she couldn't piece
together a broken heart with needle and thread. She couldn't be what
Tomoyo needed, and some part of her still resented the girl she had
once called her best friend for putting her in this position; but deep
in her heart she knew that while it had hurt Tomoyo greatly to say what
she did, those years of silence had been hurting her infinitely more.
Looking back on it, she'd noticed that the dark-haired girl had become
strangely morose over these past few weeks, as if something was
weighing on her mind. *She must have been thinking of this..... how
she'd tell me..... She must have been scared, scared that I wouldn't
understand, that I'd throw it all back in her face, that I'd hate
her..........* Sakura felt a tear slide down her own cheek. *.......and
that's just what I've done............* Her mind screamed out angrily
at her in a torrent of confusion. *But I can't, I can't love her that
way, I can't see her that way!! I can't be that for her...... But.... I
can't hate her either................* Finally, shakily, she summoned
the voice to speak.
"Tomoyo......... I'm sorry........ I didn't mean to do
this.......... I don't hate you, please don't ever think I hate you,
but........... I can't............" She paused, swallowing dryly and
blinking hot tears from her eyes. "Please forgive me........
Tomoyo...... I'm so sorry....................."
If Tomoyo had heard her, she wasn't responding. Sakura wanted so
much to help her, wanted to take her back home and make things alright,
but as hard as she tried to repress it for Tomoyo's sake, she couldn't
help feeling that shudder of revulsion course down her spine at the
thought that Tomoyo could look at her in..... that way. As much as it
pained her, there was nothing she could do or say that could make this
any better. She couldn't help Tomoyo any more.
Slowly, sadly, she walked away from Penguin Park as the first
drops of rain began to fall from a turbulent grey Sunday sky.
Her words had not penetrated the numbness that gripped the
pieces of Tomoyo's shattered soul. Unable to cope even with the
confusion that raged within her, her mind had shut off the outside
world, her body lifeless and unfeeling against the hard concrete; the
faint sparkle of tears in soft, storm-coloured eyes the only sign that
her broken heart still beat. Tomoyo was not dead. But the only part of
her that mattered was.
The sky seemed to mirror the atmosphere of despair that lingered
over the now despondent-looking little park, grey masses gathering and
blotting out the light, blanketing Tomoeda in a downpour within
minutes. People passed through the park intermittently as evening drew
close, hurrying to their warm, cosy little homes that seemed so far
away from the primal torrent that lashed the streets, but no one
noticed the tiny figure lying cold and broken on the ground. After
all, Tomoyo didn't exist without Sakura.
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Glossary of Japanese terms:
-chan = suffix denoting affection, cuteness, etc.
nani = what
Author's notes: It's one minute past midnight, and I'm not sure I can
sleep now......... ouch......... ;_; I promise, the next one is NOT
going to be this bad. Might actually be a little hopeful. ^-~;;; Since
I got some feedback from the last fic with people saying it didn't fit
their image of Tomoyo, I'm sorry if this portrayal isn't in character
with your concepts of Tomoyo or Sakura. But I am not writing this out
of pure sadistic satisfaction, going "let's screw with the characters'
heads!", I actually have some experience of what it's like to be in
love, and equally what it's like to be loved by someone you just can't
love back. So even if this is OOC for the series, it's at least based
on some truth. Again, I'm sorry if I upset any Tomoyo fans, or Sakura
fans. They're two of my favourite characters in anything and I don't
hate either of them - I love reading fluffy fics about how Sakura
realises her feelings for Tomoyo, but despite what others say I don't
feel it's realistic (though it would still be wonderful if CLAMP made
it that way ^-^), and I won't write something I don't believe. Maybe if
my one true love comes through for me, you might actually get something
romantic out of me one day. ^-^ I hope that one day, I believe enough
to write it.
Oh, and props must go to the Amazoness Duo for writing "All I Want For
Christmas Is You", a story which inspired some of the imagery in this
fic.
All comments, criticisms, etc. e-mail to me. I really read all these
things, y'know, and I *will* reply if you email me, I just sometimes
get a little behind schedule. ^-^
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