Sakura and Her Mother's Footsteps
For those only familiar with the English dub:
Sakura Kinomoto=Sakura Avalon
Tomoyo=Madison
Shaoran=Lee
Touya=Tory
Yukito=Julian
Fujitaki Kinomoto=Aiden Avalon
Rika=Rita
Naoko=Nikki
Chihara=Chelsea
Yamazaki=Zachary
Kaho Mizuki=Layla MacKenzie
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Tomoyo and I were twelve when it happened.
I'd treated her to a day at the skating rink - - and I was adamant
about no cameras. Tomoyo always was so obsessive about recording my
happiness on tape that she never experienced any fun on her own. She
always experienced it vicariously through me.
So I said no cameras. Tomoyo begged, pleaded, wheedled and did
everything but threaten me. I thought she was going to die right there
on the spot. It was a struggle not to cave in to her, because I always
turn into pudding when someone pleads with me, particularly someone like
Tomoyo. And it's so rare for her to do something like that, because
she's always so stable and calm about things. But I held my ground and
she gave in.
And she had fun. Not just having fun watching me having fun, but
she actually had fun. And so did I. After it was over, we were dead
tired, but we were still coming off the emotional high. We walked back
to my house chattering like two birds. Her driver offered to chauffeur
us to my house, but Tomoyo said no. She wanted to walk and talk with
me, and we were too excited to sit anyway. So all the way home Tomoyo's
limo and her bodyguards followed us while we talked. In spite of that,
it was a lot of fun. I never felt closer to her than I did at that
moment. We got to the front door and I turned to her to send her off
with good wishes.
And she kissed me.
Not on the cheek, on the lips; it wasn't a 'friendship' kiss, it
was one of 'those' kisses. Up until that moment, I never knew.
Not waiting to see my reaction, Tomoyo scampered for her limousine
still high as a kite. If she'd looked back, she'd have seen me standing
there, staring in shock. I was so surprised by it I'd wet myself. I
don't know how long I stood out there, but Touya finally had to gently
prod me into coming inside. I thought about that kiss all night. At
the time I was in love with Shaoran, but that kiss made me feel funny
and I couldn't understand why.
One thing about Tomoyo, she was always pretty good at sensing my
thoughts and figuring out my moods before I could. The minute she saw
me the next day in school, she realized I was suddenly uncomfortable
around her and why. She apologized instantly and I could see she was so
stricken by it that I couldn't do anything else but accept without
hesitation. And in hindsight, it wasn't THAT big a deal. I don't think
I'd have let it drive a wedge between us, but Tomoyo wasn't about to
take any chances. By the end of the day things were back to normal
between us. I never mentioned it again and she kept a tight reign on
her feelings.
But I never forgot. I wasn't disgusted by it. It's just that I
was twelve and in those days I thought girls weren't suppose to kiss
girls 'that way'.
I'm a lot older now. I just turned twenty. I know more things
about life and the way feelings don't always fit the accepted norm. And
how they can really screw you up.
In two hours I'm supposed to get married to Shaoran. Tomoyo's
going to be my Maid of Honor. She's cool with it. I thought everything
was worked out.
Why did I suddenly remember that day?
* * * *
I'm supposed to be getting into my wedding gown. Tomoyo's coming
to do my makeup. The gown's on, but not hooked. I don't notice. I
don't even hear the door close until Touya speaks. I'm too busy
wondering about that day. Tomoyo always did know my moods and feelings
before I did. You suppose . . .?
"A brat getting married to a monster," Touya chuckles. "I shudder
to think what kind of kids you two are going to have."
"Keep it up and your shins are mine," I glare at him playfully,
"and I'm wearing pointy-toe pumps."
And I notice that he's staring at me the way he always used to do
when he had the sight. It was always like I was transparent and he
could see my darkest secret. Even before I became Mistress of the Clow
it was unnerving; it was even more so after. Touya always seemed to be
able to see through me, even after he gave up his second sight to save
Yukito's life.
Suddenly I have this urge to check my anti-perspirant.
"Are you having second thoughts?" he asked and my stomach did
flip-flops.
"Onee-chan," I bluff, "just because you don't like Shaoran doesn't
mean you have to stir things up."
"Sakura, it doesn't matter whether I like Shaoran or not," he says
with a narrow glare that rivals Clint Eastwood. "It doesn't matter
whether anyone likes him. The only thing that matters is whether you
love him."
"I do," I respond. I wasn't lying. I do love Shaoran dearly.
"Enough to spend the rest of your life with him?"
That one I didn't answer right away.
"Sakura, don't enter into this just because you think it's
expected of you. Enter into this because you love him more than
anything. Me living with Yuki was the last thing a lot of my friends
and co-workers expected. But I did it and I did it for only one reason:
Because I can't live without him. I even took this lousy job I've got
because it allows us to stay close to you, since he has to. I'm not
with him because everyone else thinks it's right. I'm with him because
I can't conceive of life without him."
Now I was seeing into his soul. I wonder if it makes him as
uncomfortable to look at mine as it makes me to look at his?
"When you can say that about another person, whether it's Shaoran
or someone else," Touya continued, "then you marry that person with my
blessing."
"OK," I smile. I felt like I was about to cry.
Touya must have sensed it, because he suddenly smiles wickedly.
"But you're still a monster."
"OH, YOU!" I huff and lob a box of tissue at him. Touya ducks and
leaves me alone to ponder.
In the silence of the room, I began to wonder. Was Shaoran the
person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with? He's a dear, sweet
man with an intensity and passion that can give a girl goose bumps. But
he's also got a sense of justice and wealth of kindness that makes him
someone unique and special. And I'm just the center of his universe - -
that's a wonderful feeling. He's a wonderful man - - he's done so much
maturing over the years. But if he was the man I wanted to commit
my life to, why did I all of a sudden remember the time Tomoyo kissed
me? Why does it linger so? Why has the memory of that kiss always
sparked feelings in me that I didn't think I was capable of having?
But do I want to spend the rest of my life with Tomoyo? Am I in
love with her based on the feelings and emotions sparked by one kiss
between twelve-year-olds? Am I trying to build an entire relationship
out of a single moment? Or have I been lying to myself all this time,
telling myself for years that the feelings I have for her were just
friendship when they were more? Have I been over-simplifying to avoid
an answer I'm not sure I want?
Or am I just nuts?
"Sakura?" I hear Sonomi's voice from behind the door, together
with a polite but insistent knock.
"Daidouji-san! Come in," I call out. To my surprise, Sonomi
bursts in, flinging open the door and wagging her finger at me.
"I have told you and told you to call me 'Sonomi', haven't I?"
Sonomi says. Tomoyo is behind her, slightly embarrassed by her mother's
boldness.
"Yes, ma'am," I cringe. It's easy to see why she's so successful
in business. Who'd dare ever tell her 'no'? Out of the corner of my
eye I spot Tomoyo giggling silently at my plight. I shoot her a quick
dagger while Sonomi pulls up a chair next to me.
"Oh, Sakura, you look so beautiful!" Sonomi sighs, clutching my
hand. And Tomoyo hasn't even started on my makeup or that rat's nest
that claims to be my hair. "Oh, if only my dear sweet Nadeshiko could
see you now! You're every bit as beautiful as she was that day!"
And out came a disposable camera. Like mother like daughter; she
snaps at least a half-dozen shots while I endure it. It's no big - -
I've had a lot of practice with that.
"Mother," huffs Tomoyo. "Enough! You're making poor Sakura
uncomfortable!" That's my best friend - - she'll even take on her
mother to protect me.
"I'm sorry, Sakura," Sonomi grins sheepishly. "I just want to
make sure I've got pictures of you like this. I'm going to put them in
my album, right next to the pictures from - - from Nadeshiko's. . ." And
Sonomi chokes up.
"Sonomi?" I inquire timidly. Tomoyo looks on, too. I think she
knows what's troubling her mom.
"I'm sorry, Sakura," she gulps. "Seeing you like that - - it just
brings back memories." Suddenly she captures my wrist in a grip of iron
and stares desperately into my eyes. "Please, Sakura! Please don't go
through with this!"
"Mother!" gasps Tomoyo, outraged and mortified.
"Tomoyo loves you dearly! She's completely devoted to you! She
can make you happy! I swear she can! Please don't do this to her!"
"Mother, stop it!" hisses Tomoyo. She jerks Sonomi's hands away
from me. It was shocking to see, for it was the only time I've ever
seen Tomoyo lose her temper this badly. She's the gentlest woman I've
ever met. And to compound the surprise, Sonomi seemed to contract into
herself.
"I apologize," Sonomi whispers, unable to look at me. Tomoyo
glared down at her, more betrayed than angry. "I don't mean to cause
you pain. I," and then she looks up at me, earnest and just a little
bit desperate. "I just don't want you to make the same mistake your
mother made."
Without waiting for Tomoyo or I to prompt her, Sonomi bows curtly
and scurries from the room. Tomoyo looks like she wants to crawl under
the rug. For my part, I'm stunned. Sonomi is a lot of things, but I've
never seen her desperate.
"I am SO sorry for that," Tomoyo offers.
"It's OK," I grin. "She wasn't being malicious. I've just never
seen her like that."
"Well, Mom still has 'issues' from that time. It kind of makes
her a little desperate."
"I guess so. It must have been traumatic, whatever it was."
Tomoyo stares at me, stunned, for a few moments. Then she grows a
big grin.
"You still look so cute when you're being dense," she chuckles.
I scowl. "Then explain it to me, genius!"
"You honestly don't know?" I shook my head. "Sakura, before she
met your dad, your mom and my mom were - - an item."
You could have floored me with a feather.
"Is that why Sonomi is always so grouchy around Dad?" I gasp.
"Could be," smirks Tomoyo, a twinkle in her eye. Then she
sobered. "Mom never forgave your dad for 'stealing her Nadeshiko'.
It's something she's never gotten over. Otherwise, she's normal. It's
just that one moment in her life that messes her up sometimes."
"Poor Sonomi. I feel so bad for her." Then I look up at Tomoyo.
"And she's afraid I'll do the same thing to you!"
Instantly Tomoyo knelt down next to where I was sitting. Her
hands gripped the side of the chair hard. We looked into each other's
eyes and I knew the next thing out of Tomoyo's mouth would be from the
heart.
"Sakura, I'm not my mom," she said firmly. "If you want to marry
Shaoran, I'm happy for you. I am! This won't destroy my life, I
promise."
"But," I mumble, "you're in love with me - - aren't you?"
"Since the moment I met you," Tomoyo smiles sheepishly. "That's
why I can do this. If being with Shaoran makes you the happiest, that's
what I want. Nothing is more important than you being happy."
"But what about you?" I ask.
Tomoyo grinned reassuringly. "Well you're not going to disappear
from my life the minute you marry him, are you? Believe me, being your
best friend is better than not having you in my life at all - - way
better. I'm not going to twist myself into knots wanting what could
have been. That's what Mom did. I'll take what I can get and cherish
it forever."
I could feel my eyes watering as I looked down at her. It just
didn't seem fair what I was doing to her. Certainly not to her, and in
the back of my mind maybe not to me either. Tomoyo noticed my eyes and
pulled a tissue from the box she'd picked up by the door.
"Now, none of that," she smiles sadly, dabbing at my eyes with the
tissue. "This is supposed to be a happy day. Come on. We have to get
you made up. Shaoran deserves the most beautiful bride in Japan."
"Then why is he marrying me?" I grin.
Tomoyo returned my grin with one of her own. Further debate was
left unspoken, but the subject hung over our heads the entire time. As
Tomoyo went to work, I turned the problem over in my mind. No matter
which way I turned it, I ended up hurting someone I didn't want to hurt.
I couldn't even chicken out and run for the hills, because that would
hurt everyone. But I couldn't deny it or bury it any longer. I was
more than friends with Tomoyo. There were things she gave me that
Shaoran could never give me. It's not his fault; he's just not wired
that way, just like Tomoyo's not wired to give me the things Shaoran
gives me.
Oh, I wish I could have them both! Why didn't a harem come as one
of the perks of having the Clow Cards?
I start thinking again about why Tomoyo kissed me that night. Was
she overcome with the excitement of the moment and forgot herself? Or
did she pick up on vibes I didn't realize I was giving off? She was
always good at sensing my moods.
"Before you came," I say out of the blue, "I was thinking about
the night you kissed me."
"Oh my," Tomoyo replies, suddenly uncomfortable. "What made you
think of that?"
"I don't know," I reply. I want to ask her why she did it, but I
don't want to put her on the spot anymore than I already have - - and
I'm just too chicken. "I think that was the first time I figured out
you love me 'like that'. Oh, I'm always so stupid about those things!"
"You're just not used to thinking of people as having something to
hide. It's one of your beautiful qualities," Tomoyo tells me. "I'm
glad you forgave me. It wasn't very considerate of me."
"I didn't mind it. You just took me by surprise." I sat there
for an awkward moment, thinking. Tomoyo's trying to do my lips and at
the same time not make eye contact. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out
a way to ask her without making her feel any more uncomfortable because
I can't stand to see her uncomfortable, especially when it's because of
something I've done.
I must have thought about that for a long time. Suddenly I felt
Tomoyo tap me on the shoulder.
"I'm finished," she says. With trepidation, I look in the mirror.
"Is that me?" I gasp. It must have been. That beautiful woman in
the mirror moved her mouth at the same time my words came out.
Ecstatic, I leap up and hug Tomoyo. "Tomoyo, you're a genius! Thank
you!"
"Good luck, Sakura," she whispers, squeezing me in return. Then
Tomoyo disengaged and walked out - - maybe just a little too quickly.
Even dense old me noticed that. It made me feel bad all over again.
So now I was all ready to be married. I just wasn't sure who I
wanted to marry. I sat in the chair, staring at that beautiful creature
in the lovely white wedding gown staring back at me in the mirror. I
wonder who she wanted to marry.
A knock on the door roused me from my problem. I call for them to
come in and Dad pops his head in the door.
"Oh, Sakura," he beams. "You look perfect." His demeanor changes
to melancholy. "The day's finally here. I'm about to lose my little
girl."
"Never," I say, spreading my arms for him. We hugged and I clung
to him, suddenly wishing I was ten again.
"Touya said you seemed preoccupied with something," Dad says as he
pulls back. "I can see it, too. Need to talk? You know you can tell
me anything."
Yeah? Hey Dad, your little girl's been a practicing sorcerer for
ten years now. I wonder how he'd take that. And I think I'd rather
tell him that than what's really wrong. But one sympathetic look from
him and suddenly the whole thing tumbles out of my mouth like someone
turned on a faucet. Do I love Shaoron? Do I love Tomoyo? Do I love
them both? Should I marry either one of them? Dad, bless him, is a
little surprised to hear that I've got unresolved feelings for Tomoyo,
but is as non-judgmental as he was when Touya moved in with Yukito.
"Well, that is a problem," he replies - - my Dad, King of the
understatement. "But look at the bright side: it's better you had these
thoughts today than tomorrow."
"That's not much of a bright side," I whimper.
"I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you," he offers. "Your
mother would know what to tell you. You're almost following in her
footsteps."
"You mean about her and Daidouji-san?"
"Oh, you know about that. Yes, your mother had to make a choice
like that, too. It was very hard for her. I think she had some of the
same concerns you're having, because she didn't want to hurt either one
of us. But she felt she had to make a choice." He reaches up and
caresses my cheek with his hand. "I think she made the right one - -
because it resulted in you being born."
"I wish I could talk to her," I say. "Ask her how she chose."
"It's a pity we can't," Dad sighs. "She'd be thrilled to see you
dressed like this." He got up to leave. "You take all the time you
need. If it means canceling today's ceremony, that's what we'll do.
And no matter what you decide to do, I'll be behind you."
"Thanks, Dad," I sniff and hug him again.
Sitting down again, I stare once more into the mirror. I'm the
big-time successor to Clow Reed, why can't I think of something! I
wonder if I could use The Twin? No, that wouldn't be fair to either of
them. I wonder if I could use The Sleep and make my escape while they
were out? No, no chickening out! I wonder if I could create a new
Sakura Card: The Decision.
A loud sigh escapes from the lips Tomoyo took such care painting.
I'm beginning to think it'd be easier just to marry Dad. I wonder what
Mom would say to that?
Then it hits me. Why don't I ask her?
"Sakura!" I hear Kero whine insistently as he flies into the room.
"How much longer are you going to be? I want some of that cake!" I
guess his eyes pop seeing me pulling my wedding gown off, leaving me in
just my undies. I'm too preoccupied with changing to worry about it.
"Sakura, what's going on?"
"I've got to go," I tell him as I throw on some jeans and a
blouse. "I've got to ask somebody a very important question."
Without waiting for a response, I fly out of the room, down the
stairs and out the door. I think Touya spotted me, but I don't look
back to find out.
"Was that Sakura?" I found out later that Tomoyo gasped, coming up
next to Touya.
"Yeah," he replied. "Looks like she's got something important to
do." Tomoyo looked on, grimacing with worry. Then Kero flew up behind
them.
"Does this mean no cake?" he asked.
Rather than use old trusty "Fly", I use The Dash. 'Dashie' gets
insulted when he thinks I'm ignoring him, so I try to use him every so
often. In moments I'm racing through town at about eighty miles an
hour. I reach Mizuki-sensei's shrine moments later.
Well, technically it's her father's shrine, but - - focus, Sakura,
focus!
The tree is still there. Sometimes I wonder if that tree's always
been there and always will be there. One day I'm going to have to
investigate. Today I've got another use for The Return. Without any
hesitation, I flip the card up into the air and strike it with my Star
Wand.
The transition through the years is a lot smoother than anytime
I've previously tried. It's probably due to my being grown up. The
effect, though, is no less startling. Suddenly I'm twenty-eight years
in the past, give or take a few months. The grounds of the shrine are
unchanged, but once I get to the street, it's future shock in reverse.
The cars are all so funny looking! The way people are dressed, and
their hairstyles - - did anyone EVER think this was fashionable? It
takes a few minutes to shake off the wonder. Once I do that, I'm on my
way - - home.
Before it was ever my home.
Arriving at the old homestead, I gasp in delight and amazement.
It's the old color, the color it was before Touya and Yukito painted it
that one summer! I remember I was nine years old and I'd sit in the
window for hours just watching Yukito. And every so often he'd look up
and smile at me and I would just die of happiness. And Touya would
scold me for ignoring my chores and I wouldn't care a bit. Oh, the
memories this brings back.
That's what I thought love was like, way back when. Now I don't
have a clue. Is it possible to be equally in love with two people at
the same time?
I must still be stuporous from memory lane because the door opens
and I suddenly realize I'm on the front step. I see her face and my
heart seizes up.
"Yes?" my Mom - - MY MOM! - - answers. And there are so many
things I want to say to her and I've suddenly got no voice to speak
with. She's so utterly beautiful! The pictures don't do her justice!
And she's so vibrant and alive - - and she's so young! She's younger
than I am! I know she married Dad when she was a teen, but she's so - -
young!
"Do I know you? You look familiar," she says.
A bomb goes off in my brain. How am I supposed to ask her
anything? She's never met me at this point in her life. Why would she
tell intimate secrets about her life to a perfect stranger? And there's
just no way I can tell her who I really am.
"If we've met before, I apologize for not remembering you," she
continues. "I'm really not very good with names, or faces sometimes."
And she gives me this sweet, apologetic self-deprecating smile
that is just so adorable that you want to hug her. I can't believe Dad
and Daidouji-san were the only two people absolutely hopelessly in love
with her. She should have suitors lined up around the block.
"Um," I begin, demonstrating once more my dazzling ability to
think on my feet.
"Wait a minute," she says, smiling with recognition. "Are you
related to Fujitaki?"
"Um, yeah," I reply. What the heck, it's as good an explanation
as anything - - and it's not a lie.
"I thought I saw the resemblance! Well, come in!" she gasps,
ushering me through the door. "I've never met anyone from Fujitaki's
side of the family."
I'm about to ask why when I notice her waist. I never pictured
Mom as fat.
"Yes," she smiles, noticing the direction of my gaze. "I'm about
four months along." Mom pats her abdomen gently. "I can just feel that
it's a boy."
"Y-You're probably right," I stammer. T-That's - - Touya! That's
Mom carrying Touya! I wonder if Mom knows how to cure hyperventilation,
because I think I'm about to.
"And you are?"
"Sakura," I blurt out. I shouldn't have done that!
"Sakura," she coos. "Oh, that's such a beautiful name. I've
always loved cherry blossoms."
Seeing her smile makes me feel all warm and gooey inside, and I
forget about not wanting to betray that I'm a time-traveler from the
future.
"If you're looking for Fujitaki, he's at the university right
now," Mom says. As she speaks, I notice her eyes. There's something
familiar about her eyes.
It's probably me remembering her picture.
"But feel free to stay."
"Actually, I, well, wanted to speak to you," I tell her, my heart
hammering in my chest, "if it's all right."
"Of course," she says, genuinely delighted.
We adjourn to the living room. At her insistence I wait while
she makes some tea. I sit nervously, forcing myself not to bolt. Twice
I hear an alarming clatter from the kitchen, followed by a sing-song
apology. Was Mom a klutz? Guess nobody's perfect, not even her. After
a few minutes, she brings out a modest tea service and pours for us
both.
"Now," she beams disarmingly, "what did you want to speak to me
about?"
How do I do this? This was a mistake. This was a huge, gigantic,
Godzilla-size mistake. My first thought is to make an utterly lame
apology and slink back to my time and my problems.
Suddenly I feel her hand close around mine.
"Sakura, you seem very troubled by something," Mom says. My
stomach is doing flip-flops, but not from the predicament I'm in. I'm
touching her, for the first time since I was three!
Her hand is so soft and smooth and warm. I'm feeling gooey again.
"Sakura?" she inquires, jerking me back to reality. "I'm willing
to help, whatever it is. I know I'm kind of young, but perhaps I can
help. If you're worried that your trouble is too delicate, don't - -
you won't shock me. And you came to me specifically, so you must need
help only I can provide."
"Yeah," I reply. Very perceptive, Mom; obviously that didn't rub
off on me. "I don't know if I should burden you with this, but - - you
see, I'm in love."
"Well I'd hope that's something you'd be happy about," Nadeshiko
beams. Then her smile dims. "But I know sometimes that isn't always
the case."
She understands!
"That's the problem," I begin again. "I'm in love with - - with
two people." Mom seems to get pale, but I press on. "And I love them
both dearly, but I don't know which one I love more! It's not fair that
I haven't made a commitment to either one of them, so I agreed to marry
one of them. And now I'm not sure if he's the one I want to be with
forever," and I gulp down budding tears, "but I don't want to hurt
either one of them." My eyes are staring at the tips of my slippers.
"And I - - heard - - you had to make a choice like that once."
Desperately I stare into her eyes. I'm so glad to find sympathy in
them. "How did you do it? How did you choose?"
Mom's features cloud over.
"I'm sorry if I'm bringing up bad memories," I apologize.
"It can't be helped," she smiles wistfully. "I do understand what
you're going through, Sakura. It isn't an easy choice you have to
make."
She took a sip of tea.
"The first thing you have to do is accept that you're going to
hurt somebody no matter what you do. There's no way around it. You can
try to soften the blow as much as you can, but there are some things
that you just can't change. And if you do it in a nice enough and
considerate enough manner, and if the person you don't choose really
loves you, he'll forgive you." Then Mom flushed slightly. "Or is it a
she? I really didn't ask, did I? Hahahahaha!"
Ohhhh-kayyyyyyy.
"Actually," I say, feeling myself flush, "it's one of each." That
surprises Mom because it's even closer to what she went through. "So
how did you choose?"
"Well," she recalls, "I agonized about it for a long time. Each
of them was special to me and I think I would have been happy with
either one. But I had to make a choice. I couldn't share myself with
them any longer. So finally I asked myself, if I could only have one,
without thinking about it, who would be my first choice?" And she gets
this dainty little smile, like she's so pleased and embarrassed to show
it. "And the first answer I thought of was Fujitaki - - because that
was the answer my heart was giving me, not my head."
She grasps my hands again and gives me an earnest look and I so
want to believe her, believe that it'll work.
"I can't guarantee that it will work for you, Sakura," she says,
almost anticipating my doubt. "But try it. Don't listen to facts.
Don't listen to what your family thinks or what your friends think or
what society thinks and listen to your heart. Your head tells you what
you should have, but your heart tells you what you want."
Feeling my teeth biting my lip, I shake myself.
"OK," I tell her. "Maybe I have been making it too complex. I'll
try it."
And I do - - and I suddenly have my answer. It was that simple.
Mom must be reading my face, because she breaks out in the happiest
grin.
"Thank you!" I gasp excitedly. I have to restrain myself from
dashing out the door long enough to be polite and bow.
Mom starts to move toward me, but she trips on the leg of the
table in front of her and falls flat on her face. Horrified, I run to
her side.
"Mom, are you all right?" I gasp as I help her up. Then I realize
what I just said and at that moment I want to die. I cringe, waiting
for her reaction.
Not being surprised is the last reaction I expected.
"I'm all right, Dear," Mom smiles, dusting herself off like she's
done it a million times before. "Please forgive me for scaring you.
I'm a little clumsy."
Didn't she hear it? No way I could get that lucky!
"Come, Sakura dear," she smiles and I can see it in her eyes.
"Your father's probably getting worried about you. And you mustn't keep
your intended waiting."
She knows. She may have known the whole time! But how?
And she must be able to read my alarm in my face. "Well, Sakura,"
she smiles gently, lovingly - - maternally, "where do you think you got
your ability from?" I stare, dumbfounded. "Who do you think put that
book on your father's bookshelf? I wasn't the right one and I couldn't
open it. I'm glad you were strong enough. You've made me very proud."
No - - this can't be right. Her? She's a - - but it makes sense.
It's a cinch Touya and I didn't get our abilities from Dad.
"You've grown into a fine young woman," she smiles, caressing my
hair. "Apparently I'm not going to be there for you for part of your
life. I'm sorry for that. But your father did a good job raising you.
He's a very special man."
"Mom?" I whimper. I wish I could take her back with me - - or
stay with her for a thousand years.
"I think I know what you're thinking, Dear. But as much as I'd
like to spend more time with you, you don't belong here," Mom says,
trying hard not to crush me - - and not quite succeeding. "Too many
things could happen that could complicate things in your time the longer
you stay. You need to go back where you belong."
She takes me in her arms, kisses me on the cheek and hugs me
tight.
I don't want to go, Mom!
"Give your father a kiss for me," she smiles, her hands on my
shoulders. "Give one to your brother, too, if you can stand it. And
know that I love you always."
Numbly I walk out the door. Then quickly I turn back to her.
"Good-bye, Mom! I love you!" I choke out.
It was something I didn't get to say the first time.
* * * *
Using The Time, I return to the present. Shaoran's standing next
to the tree, waiting for me.
Nothing's ever easy, is it?
"We've all been looking for you," he says. For all his strength
and macho bluster, he can be such a cute little puppy when he gets
emotional. It's one of the things I've always loved about him. "I was
able to trace your mystical aura to the tree. The rest I was able to
figure out."
There's a pregnant moment between us.
"Did you find what you were looking for?" he asks.
"Yes."
"Are we still getting married?"
Right to the point; there's never any beating around the bush with
Shaoran.
This is it. Courage, Sakura.
"No," I squeak like a little mouse. "I'm sorry, but it wouldn't
be fair to you. I do love you, Shaoran. Please believe that. It's
just that you shouldn't be married to someone who doesn't love you most
of all."
Is he going to get mad? Is he going to hate me? I wonder if
Daidouji-san hated Mom the moment she told her. I just can't seem to
escape following in her footsteps.
"I see," he replies quietly.
He's hurt; I can tell. He really doesn't have to hate me, because
I hate myself. But he's bearing it with tremendous courage - - which
only serves to make me feel even more guilty. Shaoran looks like he's
about to say something, then doesn't.
I should say something.
"I'm sorry, Shaoran." Oh, that was good!
"I know you are," he grimaces, trying to make the best of it.
"You always go out of your way to not hurt people, often at your own
expense. You need to think of yourself once in a while." A sigh
escapes his lips and I want to cry. "Especially with something as
important as this. You're just doing the right thing, telling me now.
You've always had the courage to do the right thing. I've always
respected you for that." He takes in another painful breath. "Thank
you for sharing the part of your life you did share with me."
"Maybe you could look Meilin up?" I offer weakly.
"No," he tells me. "I wouldn't do that to her. It wouldn't be
fair to her. She doesn't deserve someone who doesn't love her most of
all."
Ouch! I feel like such a heel.
"I know you feel bad right now," Shaoran tells me, trying to be
sympathetic through the hurt. "But sometimes what's best for you is
also what's best for everyone, even if it doesn't look like it at that
moment. My mom told me that once and I know better not to believe it.
And I should trust your judgment. After all, you're the one who
mastered The Clow."
Bending in, he kisses me one last time. It burns with all the
passion he's holding back, the passion that's so very exciting. Then he
turns and walks away, possibly forever. I could have been happy with
him. It wouldn't have been that hard.
And my heart whispers to me that there's someone else I could be
even happier with.
When I enter the changing room back at the chapel, Tomoyo is
waiting for me. She runs up to me, scared and worried and relieved and
giddy all at once.
"Sakura, where have you been?" she gasps. "We were all worried
sick! What happened?"
"I'm not going to marry Shaoran," I reply.
"Did you two have a fight?"
"No. He took it a lot better than I thought he would." A lot
better than I probably would have. I guess he really did love me. "I
just realized that I can't marry him - - that I love someone more than
him."
Tomoyo's breath caught.
"W-Who?" she asks, not sure she really wants to know. She doesn't
know what I'm going to say next, but she'll be fine with it as long as
I'm happy. That's so touching. That's love, in its truest sense, just
as much as the feelings I got on those nights of passion I shared with
. . . um, never mind about that.
But that's Tomoyo - - always giving when it comes to me. Maybe
it's about time I did something for her for a change.
"You want to get married?" I ask her, the back of my hand lightly
caressing her cheek. Part of me can't believe I'm saying this. Part of
me wonders what took me so long.
"Are you serious?" she chokes.
"Yeah."
"I'd love to," she beams, then grows serious. "But marriage isn't
something two people should just rush into. They need time to consider
things and make sure that what they feel is genuine and everlasting."
"Yeah, I guess so," I reply. I hadn't thought of that. I'd just
assumed, just like I did with Shaoran, that our feelings would never
change.
We stand there, not looking at each other, for several moments.
"OK, I think that's long enough," Tomoyo smirks. Have I ever told
you how absolutely evil her sense of humor can be sometimes? "Yes,
Sakura, yes!"
A jolt passes through me. Suddenly I feel like the sun is shining
down on me, making me feel all warm and giddy. I fling my arms around
Tomoyo and plant a big fat juicy one right on her lips. And this time I
think SHE'S the one who wets herself.
Good. I owed her that.
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