Kero-chan's Newlywed Game
Don't look for continuity, plot, or other things of
that nature. Yes, I know the Newlywed Game is
supposed to have four couples. I didn't feel like
adding a fourth.
------------------------------------------------------
Kero-chan: Konyanyachiwa!! This is a very special
Kero-chan ni omakase no corner!! We're going to play
Kero-chan's Newlywed Game, a very fun game invented
by me, Cerberus! Of course, since I invented it, it'd
have to be fun, right? I'm so cool! Now, let's meet
our contestants!! Couple number one, come on down!
Yukito: Are? I thought the term was "Go down..."
Touya: *o_o*
*Yukito and Touya sit down*
Kero-chan: o_o;; Err. . . thank you, couple number
one. Couple number two, come join us!
*Sakura and Tomoyo come out and sit down, amidst
cheers from the yuri fangirls and boys and screams of
horror from the Sakura/Syaoran fans. Tomoyo pulls out
a video camera and starts recording*
All: ^_^;;
Sakura: Tomoyo-chan... this is already being recorded
by the TV cameras...
Tomoyo: I know, but they might focus on someone other
than Sakura-chan! ^_^
Sakura: ^.^;;
Kero-chan: Right! Let's put that aside! Couple number
three, join us!
Syaoran: We are not a couple!!!
Eriol: Come on, koibito. ^_^
Syaoran: I am not your koibito! Let go of me!
*Eriol drags Syaoran to the third set of chairs and
ties Syaoran to one of them, then cheerfully sits in
the last chair*
Syaoran: Rai tei shou rai kyuu kyuu nyo ritsu ryo RAI
GEKI!! *lightning travels from his sword to the
chair, frying the ropes. Unfortunately, it also fries
Syaoran. Eriol takes the opportunity to re-tie him.*
Eriol: If you don't wake up, we can't win the contest
for the most loving newlyweds! ^_^
Syaoran: We're not married!!
Eriol: Of course we are, anata! ^_^
Syaoran: We're not, we're not!!
Eriol: Not even for the grand prize? ^_^
Syaoran: NO!!
Sakura: Ne, Kero-chan, what is the grand prize?
Kero-chan: An all-expense paid trip to China!
Syaoran: *freezes* You mean... I could finally find
the Spring of Drowned Boy and end this terrible
curse?!
All: O_o;;;;
Syaoran: Never mind... >_> <_<
Kero-chan: Err. . . right! Let's put that aside!
First question is for the men!
*silence*
Kero-chan: *pause* Hmm. . . I guess that's a bit of a
problem, isn't it? Okay! People on the left are the
wives!
Eriol: I guess that's you, itoshii. ^_^
Syaoran: We're not married!!
Yukito: Does this mean you're going to wear a dress
for me, To-ya? ^_^
Touya: . . . . . maybe later. . . . . .
Kero-chan: . . . Okay! First question! "What is your
wife's biggest turn-on?" Couple number one, you can
start us out!
Yukito: Oh, that's easy! It's when I wear my bunny
suit! ^_^
Kero-chan: Wife number one?
*Touya holds up sign that says, "When Yuki wears his
bunny suit."*
Kero-chan: Good job! Couple number one has one point!
Couple number two?
Sakura: Umm... recording us--
Kero-chan: That's enough of an answer!! Wife number
two?
*Tomoyo holds up a sign that says, "When Sakura-chan
wears my costumes." Sakura looks crestfallen*
Kero-chan: Oh, that's too bad! But we still have lots
of questions to go, so don't lose hope yet! Couple
number three, what turns your wife on the most?
Eriol: Feathers. ^_^
Kero-chan: Wife number three?
*Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "I'm not his
wife. (feathers)"*
Kero-chan: Good job! Next question! "Which of
Sakura's battle costumes is cutest?"
Yukito: Her whats?
*Touya holds up sign: "Her whats?"*
Kero-chan: I guess that counts. . . Couple number one
has two points! Couple number two?
Sakura: All of them.
*Tomoyo holds up a sign that reads, "All of them are
cute when Sakura-chan wears them!"*
All: ^_^;;
Kero-chan: I guess couple number two has one point!
But doesn't anyone think my costumes are the cutest?
Couple number three, what's your answer?
Eriol: If I say your costumes, will we get an extra
point? ^_^
Kero-chan: Yes.
Sakura: Kero-chan, that's not fair!!
Kero-chan: Yeah, well that's why it's my show and not
yours. Couple number three?
Eriol: Kero-chan's costumes. ^_^
*Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "The rubber kitty
suit"*
Kero-chan: Well, you got it wrong but you get a point
anyways! Good job!
Eriol: *smirk* ^_^
Sakura: *scowl*
Kero-chan: Going onto question three, couple number
one has two points, couple number two has one point,
and couple number three has two points! Question
three is "I like a girl who has a sense of humor.
Tell me your favorite joke."
*silence*
Kero-chan: Oops! Wrong questions!! Hahahahaha. . .
*throws cards backstage* The real question number
three is around here somewhere. . .
*Spinel hands him a set of cards*
Kero-chan: Thanks! Okay, question number three: "I'm
a fool and I consort with goat--" HEY!! These aren't
the questions!!
Suppi: *smirk*
*Kero-chan digs around backstage and finally comes up
with some questions, hopefully the right ones*
Kero-chan: Okay! I think these are the right ones!
"If your wife was an alarm clock, how would she wake
you up?" Couple number one?
Yukito: I'm not sure that I want to say it on
television...
Kero-chan: You have to or you don't get the point.
*Yukito walks over to Kero-chan and the panel of
judges and starts whispering to them. Time passes.
More time passes. Nakuru, the backstage crew, falls
asleep*
Kero-chan: Okay, that's enough. **O_O** Wife number
one, what did you put?
*Touya hands him a thick stack of paper*
Kero-chan: What the. . . this is the Starr report!
Touya: Stapled underneath is the kama sutra.
Kero-chan: ***O_O***
Kero-chan: Ahem. Judges, will we accept those
answers?
Terada-sensei: Yeah, I guess so.
Kero-chan: What about the other judges?
*no answer. Sonomi is still taking notes and Fujitaka
has his hands over his ears*
Fujitaka: You're talking about my SON!!
Kero-chan: *sweatdrop* I guess we'll count it, then.
. . Couple number two?
Sakura: She'd let me sleep and record it.
Kero-chan: I'm afraid that's not a valid answer.
Tomoyo: But that's what I put. . . *holds up sign
that says, "Let Sakura-chan rest and record her
sleeping face"*
All: ^_^;;
Kero-chan: Judges?
*the judges confer, with Sonomi doing most of the
talking*
Terada-sensei: She's--
Sonomi: WE've.
Terada-sensei: We've decided to accept that answer.
Sonomi: Good. Couple number three?
Kero-chan: Hey, I'm supposed to say that! Couple
number three?
Eriol: If he found me sleeping he'd take the
opportunity to try and kill me. ^_^
Kero-chan: Maybe he's not as dumb as I thought. Well,
kid? How would you wake him up?
*Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "With a mallet"*
Kero-chan: We'll accept that answer because I like
it. Round two after these commercial messages!
*silence*
Kero-chan: Nakuru! Run the commercials!
Nakuru: *wakes up* Hmm?
Kero-chan: The commercials, the commercials!!
Nakuru: Oh, right!! ^_^
Kero-chan: -_-;;
*fade to commercial*
<eyecatch>
********************
Kaho: Hello. Have you been feeling down? Like you
don't know where your life is going?
Yamazaki: *dramatically* How did you know?!
Kaho: I know everything. Which is why you should call
Kaho's Psychic Hotline. We'll tell you your destiny
in convoluted half-truths that you'll later convince
yourself were useful predictions and not a waste of
399 yen a minute.
Yue: Kaho told me that my destiny would soon come to
an impasse. I realize now that she was talking about
Yukito getting mad when I got with Touya.
Ruby Moon: Kaho told me that the inner battle between
the ying and yang of masculinity and femininity
causes an imbalance in the psyche. Boy, was she
right!
Kaho: So call today, and spend hours trying to puzzle
out your destiny!
1-800-ASK-KAHO
Yamazaki: *even more dramatically* How DOES she DO
it?!
********************
*a blond girl in jeans and a t-shirt with "YnM"
emblazoned across the chest comes out. Needless to
say, it's YnM in her one and probably only
self-insertation ever.*
YnM: Hello, everyone. I just wanted to say support me
in my hostile takeover of the universe. YnM for
empress. Yay.
*walks off*
Tamahome: I support her!
Duo: That's because she paid you, dude.
*fade out*
<eyecatch>
Kero-chan: Konyanyachiwa!! Have you been brushing
your teeth? Good! If you haven't your parents might
not let you keep watching the hit new show,
Kero-chan's Newlywed Game! We're back with out three
couples! Now it's time for the wives to answer the
questions. Our first question is, "What is the
strangest place you have ever--" *turns red* Who
worded this?
*Nakuru waves*
Kero-chan: -_-;; "What is the strangest place you
have ever *mumbles*
Sakura: I didn't even know that was a term for it...
Tomoyo: I did.
All: ^_^;;
Kero-chan: o_o; Husband number one, what do you think
wife number one put?
Touya: *thinks* In King Penguin?
Kero-chan: >_< Now that that image is in our heads,
what did wife number one put?
*Yukito holds up a sign that says, "In the meat
freezer at the supermarket." Everyone who had meat in
the previous month starts gagging*
Yukito: I thought we weren't going to tell anyone
about King Penguin, To-ya...
Touya: We weren't going to tell anyone about the
freezer thing either.
Yukito: Oops... but at least neither of us mentioned
the--
2 *Touya claps a hand over his mouth. Yukito bites him* 6
Touya: Ow! Don't do that!
Yukito: You started it...
Touya: I want you to touch me gently...
Yukito: Later, when we're alone.
*rose petals blow across the stage*
All: o_O;;
Kero-chan: Moving onto couple number two... as
quickly as possible...
Tomoyo: Hoeeeee...
Kero-chan: What?
Tomoyo: That's what Sakura-chan put.
*Sakura holds up a sign that simply says, "HOEEEEE!"
and has a drawing of a furiously blushing Sakura*
Kero-chan: Judges, will we accept that answer?
*Sonomi and Terada-sensei confer. Fujitaka's still
covering his ears*
Terada-sensei: She says we should.
Kero-chan: Next time I want unbiased judges...
Sonomi: I'm not biased.
Kero-chan: Err... of course not. Let's put that
aside. Couple number three, dare I ask?
Syaoran: *slightly green* We NEVER [censored]!!!
Nakuru: Wow, even I didn't know that was a term for
it.
Tomoyo: I did.
All: o_o;
*Eriol holds up his "He'll deny our many nights of
passion. ^_^" sign*
Sakura: Eriol-kun, you're really good! I bet you make
your wife very happy!
Syaoran: I'm not his wife!!
Kero-chan: -_-;; Let's move on to the next question,
shall we? This one's multiple choice, so we don't
have to worry about inappropriate answers. "How would
you describe your honeymoon: Relaxing, Exciting, or
Boring?"
Audience: Ooooooooo...
Kero-chan: Couple number one, start us off.
Touya: Relaxing.
*Yukito's sign: "Relaxing. Very"*
Kero-chan: *breaths a sigh of relief* Thanks for not
elaborat--
Yukito: After all, we didn't leave bed all week...
Kero-chan: Too much information!
Touya: We realized the dangers of the hot tub pretty
quickly...
Kero-chan: *attempts to cover ears* Ack!
*Touya and Yukito shrug*
Kero-chan: Next! Next!
Tomoyo: Exciting.
*Sakura holds up a sign with "Exciting" written in
big letters*
Kero-chan: Moving on before you try and explain your
answer...
Sakura: *blushes* It's not like THAT! We traveled
around and ate lots of oishii cakes and things.
Kero-chan: Ack! Too much-- *pause* I guess that's
okay... *pause again* Without me?! ;_;
Sakura: We weren't going to tell you about it...
Kero-chan: Couple number three! Please end this
question!
Syaoran: We had no honeymoon because WE'RE NOT
MARRIED!!!!
Eriol holds up his sign, which says, "He'll deny the
very existence of our honeymoon, including the nights
of endless pleasure we spent, sweaty bodies
intertwined--" and brakes off where he ran out of
room to write*
*Syaoran turns bright green and rushes for the
bathroom. After having lost the better part of his
lunch, he returns and sits back down*
Sakura: Syaoran-kun, why didn't you take that
opportunity to escape?
Syaoran: O_O! <--- didn't think of it
*Eriol, by this time, has re-tied him*
Syaoran: >:/
Eriol: There, there, muffin. They know you just don't
want to leave my side.
Sakura: Yeah, that'd be a good reason.
Syaoran: But... but...
Eriol: Why else would I risk untying him so he could
deal with his morning sickness?
Syaoran: Wha...?
Tomoyo: *claps hands* Syaoran-kun will make a
wonderful mother!
Syaoran: I'M NOT PREGNANT!!
Eriol: If it's a boy we'll name him Clow.
Syaoran: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! *passes
out*
Eriol: *pats his hand* There, there, love. *to
others* His constitution is a bit frail. Please, feel
free to move onto the next question.
Kero-chan: Thanks. Final question: *pause* *shudder*
"What bedroom fantasy have you acted out that should
have remained a fantasy?" ...couple number one,
please answer as briefly and undescriptively as
possible.
Touya: Well, there was this one time when Yuki wanted
to try it while skydiving-- wait, I want to change my
answer. When we tried it underwater. He almost
drowned and there were all these fish staring at
us...
Kero-chan: *begins twitching* No more... no more...
Yukito: They're your questions. *holds up sign that
says simply, "Star Wars"*
Touya: That wasn't THAT bad, was it?
Yukito: Oh, it was FINE for you. YOU didn't have to
be Leia.
Touya: Gomen ne, Yuki. I didn't know. *clasps
Yukito's hand*
Yukito: *big dewy eyes* To-ya...
*they start necking*
Audience: Wooooooooooooooooooo!!
Kero-chan: Not on the air! Not on the air! This is
network television!! Couple number two, at least get
the cameras off them!
Tomoyo: Well, one time we used the Clow Cards to--
Kero-chan: I think that's enough of an answer.
Sakura?
*Sakura holds up a sign that says "Clow Cards" on it*
Kero-chan: Good job, couple number two. That puts you
up to five points. Couple number one has four points,
and couple number three has five or six points,
depending on whether or not they get this one right.
Couple number three?
Syaoran: *slowly regaining consciousness* Bedroom
fantasies my @$$!!
Eriol: Careful, darling. They say babies can hear
what you say even before they're born. We don't want
our bundle of joy to grow up with a potty mouth. ^_^
Syaoran: WHAT bundle of joy?!
Kero-chan: Hey, husband number three! Sign!
*Eriol holds up his sign, which quoth, "He'll be too
embarrassed about how he looked as a meter maid even
to mention it. ^_^"*
Kero-chan: Judges?
Fujitaka: I get to decide since I listened to this
one!
*the other judges shrug*
Fujitaka: Okay... it counts.
*silence*
Fujitaka: I don't get applause?
All: -_-;;
Kero-chan: Now, since that's resolved... Going into
the bonus round, couple three is in the lead,
followed by couple two and couple one. The bonus
question is worth five points, so any of our
contestants could win. The bonus question is: "If
your husband had to sum up your sex drive in one
word, it would be [blank]" *pause* Oh, I can't WAIT
to hear these answers. *wince*
Touya: Slow.
Kero-chan: You expect me to believe that after what
I've heard today?
Touya: Well, compared to his...
*Yukito holds up a sign that says, "Well, it is kind
of slow...", which isn't really one word. Did
everyone catch that? Good! The judges didn't, and
they got a point anyways*
Kero-chan: Couple number one is now in the lead with
9 points, though that's not conclusive in the least,
since no one else has answered the bonus question.
Couple number two, your move.
Tomoyo: Creative!
*Sakura holds up her sign: "Kinky"*
Kero-chan: Judges?
*brief but amusing judge conference, which includes
Sonomi jumping on the table and demanding justice*
Kero-chan: Have you reached a decision?
Terada-sensei: We'll accept it. *cowers under
Sonomi's glare*
Kero-chan: Okay! Couple number two is now in first
place! Couple number three, final question, final
answer. How would your husband sum up your sex drive?
Syaoran: When it comes to him, non-existent.
*Eriol holds up his sign: "Since he's embarrassed
about the fact that he likes to [censored] like
bunnies...*
Nakuru: Oooh, more new vocabulary! *writes down*
Yukito: Is that a personal remark?
*"...he'll pretend that he's as innocent as a
schoolgirl"*
*Everyone looks at Terada-sensei*
Terada-sensei: *o_o* Schoolgirl! Right! Innocent!
*cough cough* That's what he said, all right! That
answer counts! Moving on, moving on!!
Kero-chan: Then, I guess couple number three wins.
Congratulations, kid, you're going to a fabulous
second honeymoon in China!
Syaoran: But I LIVE in China! How is that a vacation?
Announcer (Yamazaki-kun): You've won an all-expense
paid trip to the beauuuuuutiful land of China, where
you'll enjoy--
Syaoran: Who says I'll enjoy it?!
Yamazaki-kun: The announcement.
Syaoran: Why should I believe it?
Yamazaki-kun: Because it was written by Kaho's
Psychic Hotline.
Syaoran: Really?
Yamazaki-kun: Of course! Would I lie to you?
Syaoran: Then. . . I guess. . . I should go? *looks
disgusted*
Yamazaki-kun: Of course! Kaho's Psychic Hotline is
never wrong! You know, psychic hotlines were first
invented in ancient Greece, when too many people
wanted to use the Oracle.
Syaoran: Really?
Chiharu-chan: *twitch twitch* Hey. . .
Yamazaki-kun: Time to go! *runs away, followed
closely by Chiharu-chan*
Chiharu-chan: Get back here, you!...
Syaoran: I don't know about this...
Eriol: Come on, dear. The vacation will relive
stress, and everyone knows future mothers should
avoid stress.
Syaoran: *grumbles*
*Eriol drags him offstage to go catch their plane.
Touya and Yukito are still sucking face. Nakuru
throws a blanket over them. Tomoyo is videotaping
Sakura*
Tomoyo: Your sad face is kawaii too!
Sakura: ^.^;;
Kero-chan: Well, it seems we ended a little earlier
than expected. But that's okay, because--
Meiling: I'll be singing for you! Everyone agrees
that I have the best singing voice!
Kero-chan: That wasn't quite--
Meiling: *sings* ~David Duchovny, why won't you love
me~
Kero-chan: Just roll next week's previews.
~~Next time on Kero-chan's Newlywed Game~~
Kero-chan: "If you didn't exist and your wife had to
choose one of these people to marry, who would they
choose?"
*Dr. J and Relena walk out*
Duo: *looks nauseated* I think he'd choose Relena...
Heero: That's the purpose of the self-destruct
system.
~~end clip~~
Meiling: ~I hold it in as best I can / I know I'm
just another fan~
Kero-chan: See you next week, everyone! Honana!
Meiling: ~And I can't wait anymore for him to
discover me / I've got it bad for David Duchovny!...~
*fade out*
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