Ureshisou ni Shinagara, Naka Nakunaku
Hands as delicate and pale as the fabric they held worked at the needle,
embroidering that which simply could not be entrusted to the sewing
machine. Tomoyo's lips pursed in concentration, the tip of her tongue
protruding just slightly as she worked the stitch over and under. Over and
under. It was painstaking, laborious work, work which could easily fetch
yen in the six-digit range, if she chose to sell it.
She would not be selling it. It was for Sakura.
Tomoyo tried to remember exactly when it was that she realized she loved
Sakura. There had to have been a point when it progressed from best
friends, to childhood infatuation, to real romance. Or was it imperceptibly
gradual, the way leaves shift to calico colors in the fall? All Tomoyo knew
was that it simply <was>. That was good enough; had to be good enough.
But it wasn't.
Told myself for a long time
Don't go there
You will only be sorry
Eriol had politely suggested to her at one point that she and Sakura--and
for that matter, many romantic relationships between women--suffered from
the regrettable Japanese notion that women weren't permitted to make the
first move. That if one or the other of them didn't break free of that and
do <something>, they weren't ever likely to. Of course, when Eriol
suggested something it was never <im>polite, and Tomoyo recognized on one
level that he was right. It made her wonder why he'd say such a thing,
since it was clear that Eriol approved of Sakura and Syaoran as a couple.
Told myself so many times
I just had to take a look
in those faraway eyes
Of course, he was both right and wrong at the same time. The psychological
explanation made sense on the surface, but how could she explain to him her
own reasons for remaining silent?
Sakura's friendship was precious to her. From elementary school to middle
school, to high school and beyond, Sakura's happiness sustained Tomoyo like
lifeblood itself. She had but to walk into the room, and everyone
immediately knew it--the temperature rose by a degree, moods lightened, and
the room seemed somehow brighter for her presence.
It wasn't that she didn't <want> to be with Sakura. Nothing would make her
happier than if she and Sakura could have a life together, bringing each
other that fulfillment that only deep, bonding romance could.
In them I saw a longing
for something
Maybe I couldn't give you
But if she tried, and failed, what would be the cost? Was it worth the
risk of harming her friendship with Sakura, for the sake of what she might
never be able to have?
Said it's all in my mind
"It ain't nothing"
Would it be worth risking everything, if all she got was a few stolen
kisses, and something to giggle nervously about together when they were
older? Was it worth the risk of hurting Sakura, or taking her away from
what made her happy, to tell her how she felt just once?
Don't say that
Don't say that
Darling no
Don't say anything at all
Tomoyo decided, as she had so many times before, that the answer was no.
What she hadn't told Eriol, what she'd seen no reason to point out, is that
Sakura probably knew anyway. She was naive and dense, but a remarkably good
judge of character. Tomoyo found it impossible to believe, given how long
they'd known each other, that Sakura could <not> know how Tomoyo felt.
Because I've seen it now
Can't pretend anymore
"It ain't nothing"
The only explanation, the only sensible one, was that Sakura <did>
know--and didn't feel the same way. And that rather than hurt Tomoyo's
feelings, she simply didn't speak of it. That was fine--because even that
painful truth made Tomoyo happy. It meant that Sakura cared enough about
her feelings to spare them, and Tomoyo was willing to accept that.
But it wasn't the same as telling her. It wasn't the same as taking
Sakura's hand in hers, bringing it to her lips, whispering <aishiteimasu>,
and watching Sakura's eyes light up with joy. It wasn't the same as walking
together hand in hand and knowing that everyone else knew who and what they
were, or holding each other in their arms after making love.
Do you know what I mean?
And have you seen it too?
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know?
And I'll do anything
Just tell me what it means
Cause I can't live in doubt anymore
Tomoyo's hands gripped the fabric of the dress tightly, her knuckles
whitening. She squeezed her eyes shut to banish to image that leapt
unbidden into her mind, but it did no good--it merely succeeded in
squeezing a single tear out of eyes that she'd thought were dry. She jerked
back as she felt the wetness, let it roll down her cheek rather than fall
on the outfit she was working on. She would not cry--Sakura was in the next
room, spending the night. She would not allow Sakura to see her like this.
Do we try or should we
just say goodbye
Her mother had figured it out early on. She blessed it, of course, but was
of the opinion that Tomoyo should either fish or cut bait--that if she
wasn't going to tell Sakura, that she'd be better off leaving her to go her
own way after high school. Tomoyo knew she meant well, knew that her mother
only wanted to spare her the pain she'd gone through when Nadeshiko had
married Fujitaka.
If you'd rather be somewhere
that's not here
then you just gotta tell me
Cause there's so much more to life
than pretending
In truth, she'd half-expected Sakura to be the one to break off the
friendship. Not maliciously, because Sakura would never do anything
malicious to hurt someone, least of all a friend--but on any one of the
numerous occasions when Tomoyo had been a little <too> enthusiastic with
her professions of how wonderful Sakura was, in front of her. When they
were younger, it had occasionally discomfited Sakura, which Tomoyo was
grateful for--Sakura was so open about things like that, it let her know
when she'd crossed the line. But as they'd grown up, through junior
high and high school, Sakura had gradually ceased being put off by Tomoyo's
displays. Was it that it didn't bother her anymore, or was she just getting
better at keeping it inside?
Don't you know
Don't you know
Darling for you
I'd do anything at all
Sakura had only to say it, and Tomoyo would do it. If Sakura had ever told
her, "Tomoyo, this bothers me," Tomoyo would stop. If Sakura had ever asked
her for anything, Tomoyo would give it to her if it were in her power. And
if Sakura had ever asked Tomoyo to be hers, to any extent or in any
capacity, it would be so before the words had time to pass her lips.
Anything.
I wanna be with you
but that look in your eyes
tells me something
Tomoyo would do anything for Sakura's happiness... including giving up on
her own.
Do you know what I mean?
And have you seen it too?
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know?
And I'll do anything
Just tell me what it means
Cause I can't live in doubt anymore
But it wasn't really giving up her own happiness, was it? If Sakura was
happy, that made Tomoyo happy. She was the very embodiment of the word
<setsunasa>--that simultaneity of bittersweet happiness, the thing which
was a source of both sweet yearning and pain. It was embroidered into her
being as inextricably as the lace she set about assiduously sewing to the
cuffs of the dress.
I wanna know
can you tell me
I wanna know
will you tell me
is it hello
is it good-bye
At last, she was done. Tomoyo held up her handiwork and inspected it
critically. No, a seam on the collar was misaligned; it would need to be
redone. Fortunately, it was just a matter of ripping out the stitches and
running that part through the sewing machine again. Tomoyo did so, letting
the mindless automation of the work drive thought from her mind and dry her
eyes.
She was grateful for the dry eyes a few minutes later, as Sakura knocked
once and opened the door without waiting for a response.
"Sakura!" Tomoyo exclaimed. "Wait just a minute, it's <almost> done..."
I gotta know
won't you tell me
I gotta know
you can tell me
is it hello
or just good-bye
"I'm sorry," Sakura said sheepishly. "I know you don't like to be
disturbed when you're working..."
Tomoyo shook her head firmly, as if the very notion that Sakura could
disturb her was absurd. "No, no, it's just that I wanted you to see it when
it was finished... I'm afraid it's not my best work," she added with a
pensive glance at the uneven stitching. "I'll need to tailor it a bit, of
course."
I gotta know
can you tell me
I gotta know
will you tell me
is it hello
is it good-bye
This didn't seem to matter one bit to Sakura, who stared at Tomoyo's
latest creation with open-mouthed wonder. She rushed forward and felt at
the silken texture, rubbed the lace between her fingers. "I don't believe
you for a minute," she said insistently, her eyes fairly sparkling. "It's
<wonderful>."
I gotta know
won't you tell me
I gotta know
you can tell me
is it hello...
Sakura set the dress aside and hugged Tomoyo tightly. "Thank you, thank
you, thank you!" She drew back and kissed Tomoyo on the cheek, taking her
hands in hers. Tomoyo drank in the touch as if it were life itself, and
committed the kiss to memory for all time. If Sakura never kissed her
again, nor held her hands like this, Tomoyo would still feel complete,
having known this moment. "Oh Tomoyo, what would I do without you? It's the
most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
Or just good-bye...
Tomoyo smiled back at her friend. A thousand words passed through her
mind, in every way she knew how to say them. <Daisuki desu. Aishiteimasu.
Je t'aime. I love you.> Instead, however, she gazed at the dress, and
smoothed wrinkles out of the white fabric. "That's good, because you'll be
the most beautiful bride in the world."
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