Love Lies Bleeding
As I lie bleeding to death on the cold ground, my last thoughts
automatically travel back to Sakura. Her beautiful face, her sparkling
emerald green eyes, her friendly smile. I could always tell how she was
feeling, even if she didn't know herself sometimes. I could see it in her
eyes. Those eyes told me everything. They filled me with strength,
bolstered my love for her. But they hurt me in ways she'll never know. I
love her so much, yet... His incessant agonizing breaths are breaking my
concentration. "Li-kun, if you're going to die, then could you please be a
little quieter? I'm having a hard time remembering what I got Sakura-chan
for her twelfth birthday and her exact reaction."
He seems to consider my request before moaning louder. How
inconsiderate. I asked nicely. And wouldn't he want to think about her in
his last moments as well? "This is all your fault..." he says after a
moment, glaring pointedly at me. At least, I assume he is. I can't really
see him very well from where I am and my vision's starting to go dark. I
can almost see her in the darkness, as if she's waiting for me. Oh,
Sakura-chan... You're always so sweet. I'm so lucky to have... I cut off
again as he reiterates how much this is my fault.
"I hope Sakura-chan wouldn't see it that way," I say simply. Why
does it matter what he thinks so long as she knows? "I hope she knows my
video collection is willed to her." All of my worldly possessions are
willed to her, so she'd be getting everything anyway. I'm just trying to
keep his mind off of things long enough so we can both die in peace.
Unfortunately, that seems to be the wrong thing to say. "That's
what started all of this. I never would have noticed the way you look at
her if it weren't for all of those videos you take. Can't you let her be
happy on her own?"
I blink back my surprise, or try to, anyway. "What? How I look at
her? I look at her with love because that's what courses through my heart
when I see her. And of course I want Sakura to be happy. I just know how
to make her happy better than she does. So sometimes she needs a little
extra push in the right direction." I smile fondly at so many memories
before realizing that smiling hurts far more than it's worth.
I can hear him trying to drag himself up. If he's in half as much
pain as I am, he can't do it. Nope. It sounds like he clattered back to
the ground again. "If you think you know so well, why the hell didn't you
get with her?" he growls. Though I tried so hard to get him with Sakura, I
really wish he didn't have such a temper. You'd think he'd be happy after
sacrificing my happiness for her.
"You're starting to make me wish I did. Then you and Sakura-chan
could still be friends and I could be at home videotaping her right now."
I don't mention _what_ I'd be videotaping exactly. Probably her eating
dinner. Or maybe out back practicing her magic. Or maybe just her sleeping
cutely. That would be so sweet. Some of my favorite footage is while
she's... Apparently I'm not allowed to get sidetracked in my thoughts of
her because he picked up where he left off again.
"I didn't say you couldn't be friends. I said I never wanted you
to see her again," Li-kun corrects me. Which is more or less what started
this. You see, one of the things that made Li-kun so good at protecting
Sakura also made him dangerous to all those around her. He never did learn
how to work out his jealousy problems. He tried to burn Sakura's big
brother alive once. Over Tsukishiro-san if I remember right. I should have
known that that would eventually turn towards me. I'm closer to Sakura
than anyone else he knows, and in some ways I'm closer to her than he is.
That doesn't stop me from wishing I could be in his place, though. That I
could be the one she loves.
But back to the point, we're here because Li-kun finally noticed
that I'm insanely, horribly, and absolutely in love with Sakura-chan. That
my heart never wavers and my eyes never wander despite the fact that she's
not even mine. That didn't go over very well with him, though, and he
confronted me about my feelings for her on the way home while Sakura was
out shopping with Chiharu. He had been too busy arguing and shaking me
while I was calmly trying to explain that Sakura is the light of the
entire universe before we got struck by a passing motorist. The man must
have been in quite a hurry because he didn't bother to stop and check if
we were alright.
"But Li-kun, that's practically the same thing. And I can't very
well videotape your wedding and first through fifth children if I can't be
around her." Silly boy. So I can't be away from her. And Sakura will have
five children. I've already come up with all of their names. Now how will
she know what to name them or what to wear to her eventual wedding? Or
even who to marry? I can't leave her yet. She still needs me. Not that I
have any reason to live without her, but I can't make her sad. I won't let
myself. But it seems like I don't have much of a choice. The pain inside
seems to intensify and the darkness covers more of my vision. I don't feel
angry so much as... a great sense of loss. How can I be taken from her
like this? Is this some divine retribution for trying to kill myself a few
weeks ago? Mother stopped me and she has me in therapy now, so there's no
reason to have me die in the street like this. I won't try again unless
Sakura- chan doesn't need me anymore. It makes enough sense to me.
"Besides, aren't you in love with Eriol?" he asks after a slight
pause in our lovely conversation. Hadn't Sakura asked me that before? I
think everyone was trying to mentally pair me off with them sense I had no
true love interest that they could see. And because I stalked Sakura. It's
much easier for them if they think I'm in love with someone else.
"Eccentricity does not mark the trappings of love."
"What?"
"No, I'm not. And I don't see how anyone could think I did. He and I
barely even talked when he was here. Sakura-chan is far more captivating
than anyone else I've ever met," I explain. How could I ever not love her?
She has been the single most important aspect of my life from the day I
met her till the day I die. Which will most likely be today. So in that
case, for all eternity. I'll always love her, even if I can't be there for
her.
"Yeah, but you're both..."
"Messed up?" I supply.
"Yeah."
We sit in awkward silence for a long moment, pain gripping my
shattered body. Silken dark gray hair lies pooled on the floor, a stark
reminder of the blood under me. I think my legs are broken and definitely
some ribs. I'm having a hard time breathing. Little droplets of red mixes
in with the darkness randomly as blood drips into my eyes. But none of
this compares to the pain in my heart at the thought of being torn away
from her so violently. Not so much for my own sake because I have nothing
left to live for, but for hers. I know that this will hurt Sakura dearly.
She needs someone to help her through this, but Li- kun and I will both be
gone. Poor Sakura-chan will be all alone. I can't bear the thought of her
pretty face streaked with tears.
"Why didn't you just tell her? You could have snagged her from me
during those years I was gone." His voice sounds defeated, pained.
"Because I wanted her to be happy. When I was little, I used to
think I could do that. But after you showed up and then Eriol started
testing her, I wasn't so sure anymore. I couldn't protect her. I couldn't
give her a child. She might not even be able to love me." My voice breaks
at the last of it. That fear has ridden along in my heart nearly as long
as I've known her. It's safer to love her from afar, to watch from
somewhere else. "You seemed to make her happy and you obviously loved her
almost as much as I did." Which is a lie. He'd shown the same affection to
Yukito. He seemed just fine transferring his feelings to Sakura. But I was
starting to get desperate to play matchmaker for her lest someone else get
in the way. "I thought you were the best possible candidate for Sakura's
love and I wanted to do all I could to make her happy." That is the
truth. That's what I've wanted ever since she first smiled at me in class
all those years ago. I knew then as I know now that I would do anything,
_anything_ to make her happy.
Another odd silence answers me as he lies there. "I would have.
Sometimes things were tough and she always ran to you with her problems."
He sounds a bit resentful of that. Is that what this is really all about?
He was worried that I was more important to Sakura? I almost laugh,
hurting myself more in the process. The taste of blood is almost sickening
now. I could only wish I was as important to her as he was. "But I would
have made her happy."
"I believe you, Li-kun. There's no doubt in my mind. That's why I
wanted you to be with her. She deserves to be happy." Nothing but the
sound of birds greets our ears for the longest time as we both wait to
die. Does it usually take this long? My only condolences are that I'll be
able to speak with whatever wondrous being created the beauty that is
Sakura and that hopefully they will let me watch her as I never have been
able to before. Touya did used to speak of seeing his mother. Maybe I
could come back and watch over Sakura, even if she couldn't see me. Then I
wouldn't have to worry about hurting her. "Li-kun, I promise if I make it
out of this alive that I will make Sakura-chan happy."
He doesn't seem to know how to reply, but I can only guess that
he's happy with my proclamation. I am, of course, wrong. "What? What makes
you think you're going to live? If either of us lives, it's going to be
me. Why would a fragile little rich girl survive that?"
"Well, I'm only stating it as a ‘just in case'. So you'll know
she'll be in good hands in case I survive and you don't. Besides, I
already know that's what you'd do in the event that I die." My resolve is
much stronger than it's ever been. I'll take care of her as best I can.
I'll love her like no one else ever could. I will make her happy. I wish I
had this type of strength back when my life expectancy was higher. It
might have come in more useful.
"Yeah, but that's because she's my girlfriend." I wait for him to
continue, but apparently that was explanation enough. I shrug it off.
It sure is dark. I feel like I'm falling asleep. "I wonder what
Sakura-chan's doing right now."
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