I Live in You
There had been so many chances for me to call her. So many days that
came and went, each with twenty-four hours, each with enough time for
me to send her an e-mail. But I never did. I had always been too busy.
And now she’s dead.
I’m sitting here, staring at the tombstone, one that shall sit here for
all eternity in memory of my best friend Daidouji Tomoyo. But I will
never be truly satisfied because the grave is empty. Tomoyo-chan went
out on her yacht one night. She never came back.
That was a month ago.
Even though I suppose there is a chance that she’s still alive, I doubt
she is. It’s too farfetched; how and where could she have survived for
a month? Of course, who knows, she could have just run away all
together. Officials say she’s dead though, and it’s not like arguing
with them is going to bring Tomoyo-chan back.
It’s drizzling right now. The sky is gray and morbid, and I sigh.
Everyone thought Tomoyo-chan was a little strange and, yeah, I guess
she was a little eccentric sometimes, but she was still my best friend.
She told me she did her best work on days like this. I didn’t think
that was strange at all, while Rika-chan and Chiharu-chan didn’t
understand. Nioko-chan kept quiet, but there was an understanding smile
tugging at the corner of her lips.
Nioko-chan will grow up to be a writer, I know she will. Chiharu-chan
will probably marry Takashi and Rika-chan will marry that older man
she’s in love with. Everyone expects Syaoran and I to get married, so
I’ll probably cave into that too and do it. All three of them will live
happily, while I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be happy again. Not
while Tomoyo-chan’s only future is at the bottom of the ocean. I’ll
only be married to Li Syaoran, whom I’m sure would have only asked me
because he, too, thought that’s what we’d end up doing.
Everyone says our names sound so cute together. Sakura and Syaoran.
Syaoran and Sakura. The klutzy one and the intense one. I’ll never be
able to love him like that, never enough to marry...we’re
so...different.
If I told anyone that, they would look incredulous. Everyone thinks
we’re in love! Meiling would probably be thrilled to hear I don’t feel
for him that way. Tomoyo-chan would understand though...of course she
would, she is – sorry – was my best friend.
I think about my last statement, and change it again. Tomoyo-chan still
is my best friend. Even in death she is.
There were just so many chances I had to speak to her. So many chances
that I didn’t take. I thought I loved Syaoran then, so I was always
with him. She didn’t seem to object to any of it. I know if I was the
one being ignored I would have been screaming my lungs out.
It took her death for me to figure out that I truly don’t love Syaoran
that way. After all, I was never really in love before him (Yukito-san
was just an air-headed crush) so it’s not like I knew what it felt
like. But now, every time I see Tomoyo-chan in an old photo or in one
of her videos, I began to notice her. How beautiful she was, how much
she cared about everyone else, her creativity, her smooth hands, her
intelligent eyes, her heavenly voice, her soft and pink lips...
I shake my head hard. I need to get those thoughts out of my head. The
fact that I’m in love with my now deceased best friend will only serve
me more depression. Thinking how I didn’t know or say anything about it
when she was around.
She always used to complement me. "Oh Sakura-chan, that outfit looks
great on you!" "Sakura-chan, did you do your hair differently? It looks
wonderful." "The video turned out perfect, Sakura-chan, you’re so
photogenic!" "Sakura-chan...you’re just so cute!"
I smile a little through my tears. I’m just so cute...and yet so
stupid.
The rain is falling a little bit harder now. I’m gradually getting
soaked, but the promise of dying from pneumonia has a perk; at least
I’ll be with Tomoyo-chan.
I wipe a droplet of moisture from her tombstone. I don’t want anything
upsetting it. I want Tomoyo-chan to have a peaceful sleep, even though
she’s at the bottom of the ocean instead of in her grave.
It’s pouring now. I can’t see through my tears and the sheets of rain.
Thunder is stirring in the sky, rumbling like Yukito-san’s belly
whenever he’s hungry. Thinking of Yukito-san reminds me of the crush I
had on him, which reminds me of how much I really love Tomoyo-chan now.
How she’ll never be able to know.
I can’t hold them in anymore. I begin to sob uncontrollably, so hard I
have trouble breathing. I scream her name over and over again, but I
know she’ll never hear me. She’s dead.
Suddenly, I can’t feel the rain on my head anymore. I open my tear-
filled eyes and turn around.
There she stands with her beautiful smile on her face, holding an
umbrella over my head.
"T-Tomoyo-chan?!" I whisper.
She nods once, and her smile is brighter than any sun.
Slowly, I stand up. I stare into her violet eyes with wonder. It’s
impossible...
I touch her cheek with my hand. It’s soft and dry. She’s not a ghost,
that’s for sure.
Tears are pouring down my cheeks as I stare at her in a daze. She can’t
be alive...can she?
"How...?" I manage to get out, my hand dropping down to my side.
"I was pulled out by the current," she replied softly. "I crashed into
port at Hong Kong after days of drifting. I was half-dead. The people
that found me nursed me back to health, but they wouldn’t let me write
home to say I was all right. I had to work to pay for my ticket back to
Japan. But here I am."
I swallow an impossibly large lump in my throat. My entire body is
shaking. I reach up to touch her cheek again. I gently caress it, my
tears pouring faster and faster from my eyes as I realize I’m not
dreaming. It’s real.
Her smile fades and her cheeks color. Gently, she places her hand on
top of mine and holds it to her cheek.
After a moment of what seems to be an internal struggle going on inside
of her, she says softly, seriously, "When I was in Hong Kong, I didn’t
understand what anyone was saying. I don’t know a thing about Chinese,
after all. People would get angry and scream at me if I did something
wrong; I was terrified. At the rate I was going, I didn’t think I would
ever be able to get home. I didn’t think I would every see the people I
loved ever again."
She sucked a deep breath in and continued in a voice barely above a
whisper, "I don’t want to ruin things between you and Li-kun, but..."
I tilt my head to the side slightly. What’s she getting to?
She looks deep into my eyes. Her violet pools look a little scared,
pretty serious, and very unsure.
"I love you, Kinomoto Sakura-chan," whispers Tomoyo-chan. "I’ve loved
you from the moment I met you. I’m sorry if I’m ruining things, but I
just wanted to tell you out of fear of never getting another chance."
My heart is pounding in my chest and I’m having trouble breathing. She
loves me...I never saw it...I really am stupid!
But I’m the luckiest, stupidest person in the world right now.
I throw my arms around her neck, breaking down into joyful sobs. She’s
so stunned she drops the umbrella.
"Sakura-chan?!" she cries. "What’s the matter?"
I pulled away from her so I can see her shocked face. I’m smiling and
smiling and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.
"Tomoyo-chan, I’m so sorry I never saw that you loved me and I’m so
sorry that I didn’t find out about my own feelings until I thought it
was too late," I begin with excitement. "Syaoran was just a crush...I
don’t feel for him as strongly as everyone thinks I do, and I don’t
think he’s any different. You’re who I really want, Tomoyo-chan...I
love you too!"
Her face morphs into three different things over a course of ten
seconds. First, she’s stunned. Then, she’s surprised. Finally, she
looks as though she just got what she always wished for.
"Sakura-chan..." she smiles, her own tears forming in her eyes.
I lean in close, not knowing exactly what I’m doing. I’ve kissed
Syaoran before, but is kissing another girl different from kissing a
boy?
My lips touch hers softly. She places her left hand behind my head and
pushes me into her mouth. I love it. I wrap my arms around her
shoulders while she wraps her right arm around my waist. Then, ever so
slowly, I feel her tongue running against my lips. It’s as if she read
my mind, because I was just about to do the same.
I open my mouth and at once she enters. She tastes so sweet...I can’t
put my finger on what it is, but it’s greater than Heaven.
We don’t notice the rain pounding down on our heads, or the loud cracks
of thunder. All I notice is Tomoyo’s lips against mine, her tongue
probing against mine, and her love for me equal to my love for her.
And all I notice is all that matters to me.
------------------------------------------------------------
Sakura awoke, soaking wet, on the damp grass. Her emerald eyes slowly
opened, and rose up to see the tombstone before her.
Daidouji Tomoyo
1988-2001
Such talent can only truly be appreciated in Heaven
It took the girl a moment to realize what had happened. That all she
had done was fall asleep and dream that Tomoyo had returned to her, in
the flesh, saying that she loved her, a kissed her so tenderly.
Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks, "T-Tomoyo-
chan...you’re really gone this time..."
"Sakura-chan."
Her head snapped up and she saw not Tomoyo this time, but her angel.
Just like Tomoyo, but shimmering with pink and gold, in a long, flowing
white dress and shimmering silver wings. On her face she wore a radiant
smile.
Sakura sat there in awe, her tears still falling, but she didn’t notice
them.
"Sakura-chan," Tomoyo’s angel said softly. "I always loved you and I
still do. I always will. I won’t die so long as you keep my memory
alive inside of your heart."
"Tomoyo-chan," Sakura sobbed. "I’m so sorry I didn’t realize how I
felt...not until it was too late. I never got the chance to tell
you..."
"I know how you feel for me, and I’m happy you do. I will always be
here for you, my Sakura-chan. I love you."
The angel’s smile lit up the dreariness of the cemetery. Sakura
swallowed the lump in her throat long enough to choke out the words she
had spoken only once before, in her dream.
"I love you too."
Tomoyo’s angel, still smiling, began to float up to the sky. Sakura
leapt to her feet.
"Tomoyo-chan, wait!" she cried, tears streaming down her cheeks like
rivers. "Don’t leave me!"
"I’ll never leave you," the angel replied. "I’ll always be with you,
protecting you and loving you, my Sakura-chan. I live in you..."
Then, she disappeared, and Sakura was alone. She didn’t feel alone
though, not anymore, for she knew that what Tomoyo, her love, had said
was true.
I live in you...
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