The Hard Way
I closed the door to my bedroom and walked over to the dresser, where
pictures of you and I sat. My gaze fell upon one particular picture of
us, that day at the beach. I am sure you remember that day. It was when
I finally told you how I felt. How I really felt about you.
You took it hard, as I knew you would. But you saw that pain in my
heart as I told you and you comforted me. Like a true friend. You didn't
judge me, just because of my feelings for you; you just hugged me and
told me that no matter what, and you would always be my friend.
My heart, that day, ached terribly, but you knew just how to comfort me.
I am glad that I told you how I felt. I am glad that we are still
friends. Oh, how I still love you today, twenty years on, I could never
show you. Because today, you gave you heart to another. To Takashi. I
watched as you gave your deepest love to him in front of me. In front of
everyone in that church...
I am happy for you, I truly am. Just knowing that you are happy makes me
happy. But it still hurts me to see you with Syaoran. I now know that we
can never be together like I had always dreamed we would be.
I turned away from the pictures and flopped face down on the bed with
Belle, the little bear that you had given me for my twelfth birthday,
close to me. I began to sob; tears trickling down my nose and
noiselessly hitting the pillow. I cried for some time. Not out of sorrow
for losing you, but the tears of happiness, knowing that you had found
someone who could make you as happy as I had when we were in Primary
School together.
How I remember that day Sayoran came into your life. You had told me
that you had had a dream about him the night before and, just as mister
Teradai had us settled in our seats that morning, he introduced Syaoran
to us... To you. I can still see the distant glances that Sayoran gave
to you during the rest of the school year. It was like he was trying to
get your attention, but sickened at the thought of you being chosen
instead of himself.
But then, when we were given an assignment to do and had to be put into
groups of two, both you and Sakura were put together and from there on
in, you two got to know each other. After the first few months of
speaking, you two became close. As close as we were. Maybe even a little
more so.
But...I never once thought that the two of you would one day marry each
other. I feel as though he has taken my place as being your best
friend...As being more...And that brings me back to why I am crying into
my pillow, hearing the soft patter of rain on the windows.
A dark and rainy day. It suits how I am feeling right now. How can I
live without you by my side any longer, my dear sweet Sakura? I owe you
so much...
I rolled off the bed, wiping the tears that were still streaming down my
face and picked up the razor blade that lay on the dresser, beside that
picture of us at the beach. Placing the blade to my left wrist, I felt
the tears stream down my face. Hot, salty tears that rolled down my
cheeks and onto my neck.
The blade was cold, menacing. I thought of it as a way to escape. Escape
the pain of losing the one person who meant more to me than my own life.
I cut deep, running the blade over my wrist, down my arm; the warm blood
spurting up from the arteries. And I fell to my knees, watching as the
blood pooled around me on the bare wood floor, showing my horrible
reflection.
I cut my other wrist, barely able to hold the razor in my hand, because
of the pain and I cried out in pain, as I looked down at my reflection
in the pooling blood around me. I saw a pale girl crying over
unimaginable pain, not from her open wounds, but from a broken heart.
I lay down, in the puddle of blood and turned my head, barely able to
see the picture of Sakura and I at the beach, that day twenty years ago.
Through the pain, I managed to smile. I closed my eyes and allowed my
body to relax and I waited for the darkness to consume me.
What did you say? I can't remember now. It was so long ago. Years, it
feels like. The out-come. You got married and I am lonely. Is this the
way it is meant to be? Huh. I guess so. Why else would I be here?
Floating in this icy darkness, between worlds.
My fate sealed. Did I forget to thank you for the ride? Thank God for
each and every day that we were together? No...I took it for granted.
Just like I took everything else for granted. I was blind. But now I
see. Yes, I finally see everything.
You are my best friend. Were my best friend. You told me all of your
problems without worry. But could I tell you any of mine? No. Not a
single one of them. I kept them hidden from you. Was it wise of me to do
that? I think not. Not now as I think back. But it is too late to change
the past. To change what has been done.
You are probably in Tokyo by now, having a beautiful dinner with your
wonderful new husband. And I am here...wherever here is...
I can't get you out of my head. The last time I saw you, you didn't see
me. Or did you? You held all of the cards and I was asking for anything
you had. If I could do it all over again, well, would I change anything?
I guess I'd have you back to the way I had you when I first told you.
But I learned the hard way.
I can't have it back to what we had then. I learned the hard way.
And...and I know I won't have that chance again.
Some nights I sat on my own, with the feeling of being alone. Wondering
if you'll ever come back. But now I know why you are gone. And I will be
the first to say that I am wrong. I just wanted you to know that it was
hard to spend the nights alone.
Now, as you are disappearing, I'm hearing...I'm hearing all that I
wanted to say to you. And it is all just too much for me. Maybe I should
just focus on the thought of letting you slip away. But, I'm getting
this strange feeling...the feeling that you are not telling me all that
you wanted to say to me...
Oh God, why did it have to end this way? People running from something
they cannot see. Knowing that it's not easy to get a handle on life.
Answering back, just to feel a little free. Knowing, deep down, that we
are all slaves to the Human way of life.
But what can we do about it? As the saying goes, 'Against overwhelming
odds, you will lose.' In a way, we have all lost. But, wherever we go,
we must go with all of our hearts, or else never achieve true happiness.
That must be it. True happiness. I pretended all my life that I was
happy. But was I really? No. How could I have been happy if I am in this
place?
I never lived through the great depression, though I feel as though I
did. Everyday I saw you; I felt pain, knowing that I could never have
you like I had hoped. Had dreamed. So, sayonara is the last word...that
I could not say forever. For me, you are still one of the pleasant
memories of my youth.
But now I must leave you. Sayonara is the last word...I must leave you
now, Sakura-chan. Sayonara.
You look so peaceful lying in that bed. Your eyes closed and your chest
rising and falling in rhythm to the beeping of the machine beside you. I
find it hard to believe that you could of tried such a thing. But you
did. And I can't understand why you would do it.
We are friends, best friends. Why didn't you talk to me? Tell me what
the problem was? Why try and kill yourself, Tomoyo-chan? I can't
understand it. Nothing gets so bad that one should try and end their
life because of it. So why did you try it, Tomoyo-chan? Why did you try
it?
But you won't answer me. You may never answer all of my questions. But I
wish that you would wake up. Just to tell me what the problem is. I care
about you very much.
Maybe even more than Syaoran. We have been best friends since long
before he came into my life. I thought that you could trust me. Confide
in me. Obviously I was wrong. But I still care for you. I always have
and I want you to know that I always will.
Seeing you in that hospital bed pains me deeply. My best friend in the
world lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a machine. Why did you try
it, Tomoyo-chan? That question keeps repeating itself over and over
again in my mind. It is not the question that bothers me...it is the
fact that you may never answer it for me...
I have replayed the message on the answering machine that your mum sent
to Syaoran, and me over and over again. It was the first thing we heard
when we got back from Tokyo.
She could barely speak as she told us how she had come over to your
apartment to visit you and had found you lying in the middle of your
bedroom, unconscious, slowly bleeding to death from self-inflicted
wounds on both of your wrists. Syaoran drove me straight to the hospital
and I have been here ever since. For five days now.
I haven't been able to eat and I have barely slept. I am so worried
about you. I do not know what I will do if you never wake up. But I will
stay by your side even if it takes twenty years for you to wake up. That
is how much I care about you.
Even my dear Syaoran cares for you. Even now, he is at your mother's
place, consoling her. She is so grief stricken that she has not been to
work since she found you and cannot stop crying.
Do not get the wrong idea. Your mum cares a lot for you. But she was
asked to leave the hospital because she kept screaming at the staff to
do something to help you. When I came, Syaoran took her home and has
been there with her ever since that time, five days ago.
Look, Tomoyo-chan. Even Toya, my sister has been to see you. He brought
that lovely bouquet of magnolias that now sit on the table beside you.
That was sweet of him, wasn't it?
So you see, you have many people who care about you. Even if you don't
see it yourself.
What was that? Maybe I am too tired to see straight. Was that what I
thought it was? Maybe my imagination is getting the better of me. But
no! Your hand moved again.
I take my hands and cup them over yours, squeezing lightly. Tears of joy
stream down my face as I feel you squeeze back. It was very soft, but I
know what I felt.
'Tomoyo-chan?' I say, hopeful that you can hear me.
Your eyelids flutter open and you move your mouth, attempting to speak,
but I put a finger over your pale lips. There is no need to say
anything. Time for all of that later. For now, Tomoyo-chan, rest.
It has been a week now. A whole week since I woke up in that hospital
bed to find you by my side, Sakura-chan. Has it really been a week? It
seems longer, somehow.
At first I was confused, unsure of where I was. But then I saw the
bandages over my wrists. Then it all came flooding back to me. My
loneliness, your wedding, the razor blade... It all came flooding back
to me. And then, the happiness when I first saw you sitting beside me,
crying deeply. Then, suddenly, the guilt hit me. Of how I got you so
worried, so upset...
I felt worse than anything else in the world. How could I do that to
you? I have no logical explanation to it. To any of it. You deserve an
explanation, I know. But I cannot tell you why I did it. If I told you
the truth, you would only blame yourself. And, no matter what you say,
you are not to blame. If anyone, then I am to blame.
You should blame me for everything.
I don't care anymore. I don't care if I'm alive, or if I succeeded in
killing myself. Nothing matters to me anymore. In a way, I am beyond
life. I have looked death in the eye and I'm still alive. All because of
our friendship. And the love of my mother.
In some ways, I'm glad that my mother found me. I am with Sakura again
and she is happy to have me back, if not a little bit worried. But, I
also wish that I had died. Because now I have to live with the fact that
Sakura doesn't love me.
But that is the least of my worries right now. I'm too preoccupied with
what has been going on since I woke up. Doctors, psychiatrists,
counsellors. All asking me whether I hear voices have tried to kill
myself before, things of that nature.
I sit in those blank white rooms staring at the walls, answering the
questions in my head. Only I know the answers to their questions. And
that scares me.
I've got something to say, but I don't know if it is worth a mention. Is
anything I say just a waste of breath? Not worth the effort to say? No.
I do not believe that. Why am I even thinking of such trivial things?
Who knows?
Maybe I really am crazy... Maybe I should be put in an institution.
Separated from the world by locked doors and padded isolation rooms.
You're staring at me. Waiting for an answer. But I didn't hear the
question. What was the question? You are staring at me with those big
sad eyes of yours. Waiting for an answer to the question that I may
never answer.
'Make it go away,' I whisper ever so softly. You looked at me curiously.
'Make what go away, Tomoyo-chan?'
I fingered the bandage on my left wrist, playing with it. Ii could not
look you in the eyes. If I did, I know I would begin to cry. And I do
not know if I could ever stop.
'Make what go away, Tomoyo-chan?' You repeated. You cupped your hands
under my chin and lifted my head. Until our eyes met.
"Every time my heart starts breaking, " I could feel the tears running
down my cheeks, "I try and hold it down...Waiting. Waiting for the
wailing of when the winds start blowing..."
"What are you trying to tell me?"
I blinked. What was I trying to say? I didn't know. I am just babbling
uncontrollably. I felt tears stream down my face, faster, and Ii put my
head down and cried. The next thing I knew, I was crying on your
shoulder as you hugged me tightly, humming softly in my ear.
Why do you know me so well? Should I try it harder to hide myself? Or
should I just open up and tell you everything? I know I should, but can
I really bring myself to do that? I have to. If I want to save myself,
then I must tell you everything.
'Sakura-chan? I'm ready to talk...'
I laugh. I feel. I fall down on my knees. I am caught by the arms of an
angel. You are an angel. My living, breathing angel whom looks out for
me no matter what. I feel safe. Safe in your arms as you hold me, never
letting go.
I'm grateful for that. And I live on for you. I have to live on for you.
Otherwise, what kind of future will you have?
But I cannot be free. Free from this pain. This constant loneliness that
lives inside of my heart. It's stupid, I know, to feel this way. But I
do...but I do...
You give me strength when I am weak. You mellow my soul with your
sanctuary. What else could it do, when all I am is you? You set me free
and now I can fly again.
I looked out the bedroom window and saw the sun slowly sinking in the
distance. So ends the first day of the rest of my rest.
Sighing, I took off my dress, a fluffy white one that had to be my
favourite in my entire wardrobe, and searched through my drawers and
pulled out a light blue nightgown with the picture of a bright red heart
on the front and slipped in to it. The material of the nightgown was
cool on my bare skin. But it felt good.
I closed the curtains over the windows and climbed into bed, turning off
the lamp. Snuggling down underneath the warm covers, I closed my eyes
and imagined a wide stream. On either bank of the stream, were large
mighty trees, their leaves blowing softly in the wind.
The clouds in the sky drifting lazily, pushed by the gentlest of air
currents. I am in paradise. Nothing can break this peaceful
scene...nothing.
I promised that I would stay by your side. And I am. That is what true
friends do for each other, right, Tomoyo-chan? We help each other out in
hard times. I will let you sleep. You need all the rest you can get. I
will be here when you wake up. In case you need me.
Don't worry, okay? Syaoran understands completely. He knows how close we
are as friends and is being the best husband possible. Why, he even
cooked us dinner. No Belle Peppers. He knows that you dislike them. But
it was a marvellous dinner though, wasn't it?
You, Syaoran and I eating a meal that was fit for a Princess! And we
were at that. For you were the special Princess at the dinner table
tonight. We even got to have a few laughs about the good old days at
school...you even made a few jokes! It was as if we were all ten years
old again!
I heard the front door open and I turned my head just enough to see my
darling husband come in. In the twenty years that I had known him, he
has hardly changed at all...He is taller now, as expected, but still has
that boyish face of his...And I do wish that he would cut his hair!
'How is she?'
'She just went to bed, Syaoran dear. It has been a hectic time for her.
For all of us.' I see Takashi nod and collapse on the lounge in front of
the television and sigh.
'Maybe you should go home, dear? You look tired.'
'Not just yet,' Syaoran replied and turned the T.V. on.
'I'm going to check on her. See if she needs something,' I say and stood
up, making my way down the short hallway to Tomoyo-chan's bedroom door
and slowly open it. I peer inside. Soft, gentle snores reach my ears and
I smile to myself.
"Good night, Tomoyo-chan," I say, closing the door. "I love you."
"I love you too, Sakura dear," I hear you say as I close the door and I
can't help but smile brightly. Sweet dreams, Tomoyo-chan, I think and go
back to join my husband.
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