Happiness
' ' - Thoughts (All Tomoyo's)
[ ] - Change of scene
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'Happiness. What exactly is happiness? Is it being with the one you know
you truly love? Rather than letting them go off with someone you, deep in
your heart, know they'll be happier with? Why... why is this feeling...
this aching, twisting, stabbing feeling, inside of me? Why do I deny it?
And, more importantly, why do I hide it under this mask of carefree
cheerfulness? So many questions in my mind... probably never to receive an
answer. To be neglected by me. All because I am afraid. Afraid to accept.
Afraid to believe.'
"Ohayo, Tomoyo-chan!" A girl's voice chirped.
Ebony lashes fluttering open, she looked to the direction in which the
voice came from. Quickly putting on that innocent smile to hide her
thoughts, she lifted her head from the palm of her hand as she watched
Sakura seat herself at her desk.
"Ohayo gozaimasu, Sakura-chan." Tomoyo replied, sweetly. 'If only you
knew...'
'Oi! Syaoran-kun!" Sakura smiled happily, looking to the direction of the
front door as a boy stepped in.
'Look how happy she is when he appears. If only she could see how her eyes
light up, shimmering with excitedness and how her lips curve ever so
nicely into a smile, a smile that shines like the brightest star in the
galaxy. If only you could see yourself the way I do...'
"O-Ohayo..." Syaoran muttered, cheeks being painted a bright crimson as he
sat down at his chair.
'There's just nothing I can do.... nothing except to watch. Except to
understand. Things only happen the way I hoped for in my dreams. And even
then, I know I must awaken and face reality. No matter how painful. No
matter how heartbreaking.'
''Anou... Syaoran-kun, Yukito-san told me about a new bakery that serves
delicious food... do you want to come with me today and go see what it's
like?" Sakura asked, beaming at the blushing Syaoran, those emerald gems
hidden as her eyes arched.
"A...aa." Syaoran replied, stuttering out what he could, hoping Sakura
didn't notice the redness in his face.
"Yokatta. Tomoyo-chan, do you want to come, too?" Sakura question, turning
to her best friend.
"Me?... N-no thank you, Sakura-chan..." Tomoyo said softly, looking to the
ground, depression spreading across her cerulean eyes.
"To-Tomoyo-chan.... what's wrong?" Sakura asked, a worried tone appearing
in her once content voice. "Are you feeling well?"
'I.... I don't want to worry her... but... but...'
"Iie. I'm fine. I just have something to do at home today. Gomen nasai,
Sakura-chan." Tomoyo said, giving a faint smile.
'Why do I lie to her? Why do I lie to myself?'
"It's okay. Some other time, Tomoyo-chan?" Sakura asked hopefully. Tomoyo
simply nodded and looked away, guilt arising in her heart. As the school
bell rang, the teacher walked into the room and began the lesson.
[After School....]
Tomoyo slowly walked out of Tomoeda Shougakkou's doors and made her way
through the chattering students. She usually is driven home, but she had
told her mother to let her walk today. As she got to the sidewalk which
led to her home, she peered behind her only to see Sakura and Syaoran
walking the other way, not even noticing her for they were talking amongst
themselves. Slamming her eyes close, she felt a cold teardrop form at the
end of her eye. She quickly wiped it off with the sleeve of her shirt and
turned her back to the school and walked off, her mind drifting off into
endless thoughts.
'Why do I feel like this? What's the explanation I'm searching for, but
not finding. What is this? This... pain. This neverending pain that haunts
me day and night. I've always ignored it before, throwing it to the side
thinking that it's nothing and if it was, I'd fix it later. Well, now it's
too late. I can't fix it. I can't because I don't understand it. Why does
this hurt? It's not a physical pain. It's emotional. My heart feels as if
it had been pierced thousands of times. As if someone had taken advantage
of it. But, it hasn't. That's what I do not understand. The hurt is coming
from somewhere inside of me. What's causing it is beyond my knowledge.
Though, it mostly occurs when I see Sakura. But, why would that happen?
Sakura's my best friend... isn't she? Do I think of her as more than that?
No.. no, I probably don't. Although, how does that explain the raising of
this feeling when Syaoran is with her? Does that mean... I love her? But,
we've been friends since the beginning of fourth grade. And now it's sixth
grade. Syaoran and Sakura belong together. Have I felt this way in the
past before? I do recall nights where I couldn't sleep because I was
thinking of her and Syaoran. But those thoughts are just a blur now... I
always say I'm happy if she is. Yet, I don't feel that way. And I can't
possibly tell her. It'd interfere with her feelings for Syaoran. And
that's the last thing I'd want to do. To ruin her happiness. So does that
mean I have to keep rejecting these feelings? These feeling which taunt me
at night. So much as to the point where I can't even close my eyes for a
second without tears falling from them? Perhaps I'll have to.... for
Sakura's sake.'
Reaching the door to her house, mansion rather, she entered the gates and
stepped up to the doors, letting herself in. Peering down at her watch,
she sighed, noticing how long it took her to get home.
'An hour. Maybe I walked too slow....'
Removing her jacket and hat, she went into her room and sat on her bed.
She peered out the window at the evening sky. The bright orange sun was
setting and the horizon was a beautiful mixture of orange, yellow, red,
and purple. Darkness was setting in as she gave a sigh, her faint blue
eyes becoming glassy as her mind wandered once again.
'I can't help but wonder what she's doing now...what she's thinking.
Love... why must it be so complicated? Why can't it just leave me be!? Why
must it cause so much heartache...? So much pain.... '
At that point, tears began spilling out from Tomoyo's eyes, no matter how
much she didn't want them to. Falling into a puddle on her lap, she shook
her head, trying to ignore it.
'What have I done to deserve this? I just care and love Sakura. Is that so
wrong!? Why am I being punished for that?! Is this to frighten me from
loving others? Although, I can't think of anyone I feel more strongly for
than Sakura. I hide what I can and ignore the rest. I know she feels
differently about me. I'm just her best friend. Always will be. Nothing
more. Am I forced to have to live in secret for the rest of my life? Am I
forced to have to keep these emotions bottled up until they cause me so
much pain that I can't take it any longer? If that is true... and if
that'll keep Sakura in her sweet and content state... then I am willing to
do it. All for her. No one else. I'd do anything for Sakura, as she would
for me... I'd sacrifice my life to save her from any danger...to keep her
distant from any harm. I don't ask for much. I understand Sakura's love
for Syaoran. That's why I say nothing. That's why I barely share my
thoughts with anyone. I keep everything I think about... isolated. Never
to come forth. Never to show.'
''Ojou-san! Dinner's ready.'' A lady walked into Tomoyo's room carrying a
tray of food and some tea. She placed it upon the table and bowed towards
Tomoyo.
''Ari...arigato gozaimasu!" Tomoyo said, turning her back to the lady who
worked at her home, not wanting her to notice that she was crying. As soon
as the woman left the room, closing the door behind her, Tomoyo looked up
and at her dinner. She wasn't hungry. All she wanted to do was to go to
sleep. And possibly stay in bed forever. Peering over at the clock which
hung neatly upon the wall, she realized it was quite late so she decided,
although it was rude, to leave the food alone and go to bed a bit early.
She stood up and went got changed into her nightgown, then headed into the
bathroom. She grabbed a nearby brush and began stroking it down her long
ebony hair, hinted with just a bit of silver. As soon as she had brushed
her teeth and such, she slowly walked to her bed and sat in it, looking
back towards the large window. Flicking off the light switch, she watched
as the moonlight shone into her room, bouncing off the walls. The stars
were plentiful tonight and the chilly night air was amidst. She continued
to stare at the radiant sight, sadness present on her face as she
continued her thoughts.
'I refuse. I refuse to let my unhappiness get in the way of anyone
else's... especially Sakura's. She's happy. Happy with Syaoran. And
because she's happy, I should be as well. So... why am I not? What is
preventing me from true happiness? Is it because I'm too afraid to share
my feelings with her? Or is it because I'm jealous? Why would I be
jealous? Probably because I see Sakura with Syaoran. But, he makes her
happy. Happier than I ever could. Happier than I ever will. I suppose this
love will be forever hidden.. deep within me. Never to be shown to anyone
else. My heart feels a twisting pain because of it, but I won't let it
interfere with anything. If I'm to suffer for the rest of my life, so be
it. Just as long as Sakura's not hurt. As long as she's not feeling any
pain. As long as she's happy... '
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