Arigatou
This is the first fanfic I've ever written, about any series, so please
don't flame me too hard for it. ^_^; Die-hard fans may well be able to
find some inaccuracies, since I've not seen that much of ::cough::
"Cardcaptors" and even less of CCS itself. In fact, this is largely
based on the manga, which I have a lot more of (plus it's cuter ^_^).
Oh, and a warning: this is angst, pure and simple. Don't expect happy
endings.
Stuff in *asterisks* = thoughts.
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*"You don't know just how much.... I love you, Sakura."*
Tomoyo sat on the bed in the middle of her expansive,
exquisitely-decorated quarters at the Daidouji mansion. Not that one
would be able to tell from a glance around the room that intricately-
patterned magnolia wallpaper, or indeed anything at all, lay behind the
countless photographs of Sakura that covered the walls ceiling to
floor. One more rested in Tomoyo's hands as she gazed absently out of
the window towards Tomoeda Elementary.
*Morning classes will be nearly over by now....* Tomoyo knew she
ought to be at school too, but over these past few weeks, it seemed,
Sakura and Syaoran had been getting closer. A *lot* closer. Tomoyo
sighed. What was her problem anyway? She had always said she'd be happy
if Sakura was happy. And Syaoran did make Sakura happy.... which was
the one thing that tore Tomoyo's heart to shreds. Seeing them together
like that.... holding hands, laughing...... *like we used to be.....*
So here she was, alone in her room, pretending to be too sick to go.
*It's the truth, anyway.... only the sickness is in my heart. I just
didn't think I could face another day of living my life this way....
putting on that same smile, pretending everything's okay........*
Tomoyo's gaze returned to the picture in her hand.
*It's not okay......*
Most of the pictures that lined Tomoyo's walls were of Sakura as
only Tomoyo knew her; as the Card Captor, the defender of Tomoeda from
the Clow Cards' evil...... but this, this was just everyday, ordinary
Sakura, smiling as she made her way to school. Only there had never
been anything "everyday" or "ordinary" about Sakura. She was perfection
itself..... the touch of her smooth, soft, lightly-tanned skin..... the
way the light danced in those intense, emerald-green eyes when she
smiled..... the sweet scent of her short auburn hair..... the
gentleness of her voice.... all things that could melt Tomoyo in a
heartbeat.
*It's not okay......*
A single hot tear slid down Tomoyo's cheek and fell onto the
photograph. Her hand, seemingly independent of her conscious mind,
reached behind her and groped for something on the bedside table.
Tomoyo's trembling hands unsheathed the small penknife as she brought
it back into her tear-blurred view. Her eyes closed, squeezing out
another tear.
*It's not okay!*
The sound of Tomoyo's own scream broke into her thoughts,
jolting her back to reality. A place to which she had no desire to
return any longer. She didn't need to open her eyes to feel the blood
trickling down her arm. Concentrating on the warm sensation, allowing
the darkness to encapsulate her senses, coccooning her within
herself.... as the initial stinging sensation faded, it began to feel
calming, almost.... comforting. Tomoyo wrapped her arms around herself
and huddled blindly into her pillows.
*Sakura-chan.....*
As if answering her silent call, the phone rang. Reluctantly,
almost tentatively, Tomoyo opened her eyes and released the pillow she
was hugging, reaching for the pink cellphone with clammy, bloodstained
fingers.
"M...moshi-moshi?" she half-whispered, her voice weak and shaky.
"Tomoyo-chan?" While she knew that only Sakura would ever call her on
this phone, the sound of her voice still made her heart jump
unexpectedly.
"...Hai......"
"I was just calling to see how you were..... Terada-sensei said
you weren't feeling too good......"
"......I'm okay......."
"You don't sound it, Tomoyo-chan.......... Do you want me to
come over?"
Tomoyo took a deep breath. "........Onegai............... if
it's not too much trouble.............."
Sakura laughed a little on the other end of the phone. "Of
course not, baka! Nothing's too much trouble for my best friend!"
".......Arigatou..........."
"Okay, I'll be there right away. Ja ne..."
"......Ja ne." The line went dead as Sakura hung up.
For the ten minutes it took for Sakura to arrive, Tomoyo sat
cross-legged on the bed, motionless, her back to the door. She clutched
her left arm tightly to her chest, deep crimson fluid soaking into her
nightshirt, the pain now reduced to a dull throb. It was in this state
that Sakura found her.
"Tomoyo-chan.....?" Sakura's soft, inquiring voice floated into
her thoughts, at first a distant echo, a lingering echo of a long-faded
dream..... then gradually, the voice became clearer, sharper, as though
the one she dreamed of stood right by her side.........
"Tomoyo-chan?"
Tomoyo's eyes flickered open to see Sakura's questioning face, a
mixture of concern and anxiety in those deep, all-encapsulating green
eyes.
"Tomoyo-chan, are you...." Sakura gasped a little as Tomoyo's
hand shifted, uncovering the stains on her shirt. "Tomoyo-chan! You're
hurt...."
Tomoyo whimpered a little as Sakura sat down beside her and
gently moved her arm away from her chest to examine the wound. "How
did......" Sakura began, stopping in her tracks when her gaze was
caught by the bloodied penknife that still lay on the bedclothes. Her
eyes turned back to Tomoyo's, green orbs of disbelief meeting greyish-
blue pools of fear. A single word escaped her lips. "Why.......?"
Tomoyo struggled to break the intensity of Sakura's gaze, but
failed. Slowly, her right hand opened to reveal the crumpled, tear-
stained picture she had been clutching the entire time. Sakura glanced
down at it, then back at Tomoyo, a blank look in her eyes. "I don't
understand, Tomoyo-chan...." Another tear silently slid down Tomoyo's
cheek, and Sakura absently wiped it away with her fingertips, causing
the dark-haired girl to shudder slightly at her friend's tender touch.
"S...Sakura-chan....... I.......I......." Tomoyo's cheeks reddened
suddenly as the realisation of just how close Sakura was dawned upon
her. Suddenly dumbstruck, in a momentary lapse of rational thought she
leaned in closer to Sakura and briefly allowed their lips to brush.
*Surely... this will make her understand.....*
It did.
Sakura jumped back suddenly, her mind swirling with confusion
that quickly turned to dizzying realisation. *I love you a lot too,
Sakura....* She stared at Tomoyo, who returned the gaze, her eyes
threatening tears once more, pleading for acceptance. Sakura felt tears
sting her own eyes too as she realised that for the first time in their
lives there was nothing she could do to help her friend. "I...... I'm
sorry........... Tomoyo-chan.........." Her words barely came out as a
whisper, but they were clear enough to Tomoyo. Feeling powerless to do
anything else, Sakura turned and fled from the room.
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Too shaken by Tomoyo's unspoken revelation to return to school,
Sakura made her way towards Penguin Park in a haze. *A place where
Tomoyo and me spent so much time together....... will it ever be the
same?* She sat down heavily inside the great King Penguin that was
seemingly Tomoeda's primary landmark, leaning back against its inner
walls with an anguished sigh. It wasn't that this kind of thing
disgusted her.... it wasn't even that new to her, really. After all,
her brother and Yukito..... But somehow, Tomoyo's actions today had
changed things between them. The dark-haired girl was her best friend,
she had been since third grade, and Sakura couldn't imagine what her
life would be like without her, but... after today, she thought, a
sickening feeling growing in her stomach at the fact that she could
think of her best friend with such callousness, she wasn't sure if she
could ever feel comfortable around Tomoyo again. Not in the same way.
"Hoeeee......."
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Tomoyo's eyes were fixated on the screen as she sat alone in her
video room, the almost stifling darkness illuminated only by the glow
of the projected image. The penknife dangled limply from her fingers,
crimson liquid flowing freely down the smooth blade from the deep
gashes in her wrists, seeming almost black in the half-light.
The on-screen Sakura smiled and waved, and Tomoyo couldn't help
but manage a wavering attempt at a smile in return.
*Arigatou, Sakura-chan...... for everything....................*
Sakura's image blurred and flickered as a mixture of sadness,
pain and resignation brought new tears to her reddened eyes once more.
And as the last scenes of Tomoyo's home movie faded to black, so did
Tomoyo's world.... forever. *"Thank you for all your tenderness....
Thank you for all your happiness.... Thank you for all your
kindness.... Thank you for all your everything............."*
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Glossary of Japanese terms:
arigatou = thank you
-chan = affectionate suffix, used between friends, lovers, people who
are close
moshi-moshi = what the Japanese say when they answer the phone
hai = yes
-sensei = suffix used for teachers etc.
onegai = please baka = silly, stupid, etc.
ja ne = see you later
hoeee = just Sakura's favourite little expression
Author's notes: Crying yet? ;_; Probably with tears of frustration at
how people such as me can be allowed to call themselves writers.....
Still, I had a go, can't say I didn't. I love S&T fluff as much as the
next shoujo-ai fan, it's true, but I don't think there are enough fics
out there that deal with the harsh reality - that, while we all know
Tomoyo loves Sakura, Sakura almost certainly would not return her
feelings... ;_; Also, this was inspired by real, personal feelings, so
I'd appreciate it if you didn't riff it no matter how much you think it
sucks. Thanks.... and if you liked, or you didn't like, or you want to
throw comments/criticism/whatevers my way, email me. I promise to reply
to all non-flames. Now go and read some fluff! ^_^
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