Truth The weather had gotten warmer over the past few days, and with it the restlessness that accompanies high school students so painfully close to graduation that each minute in class seems to drag twice as long as it normally does. And for Yoruichi, it also meant that her departure from Japan was inching steadily nearer. Kuukaku was still angry and refused to speak to her face, but Kisuke told Yoruichi after the Shiba girl had pulled him aside that she shouldn't expect too big a going away gift from her. Yoruichi had only shrugged, muttering that she didn't care either way as she gave a yawn, fighting to keep her eyelids from shutting on her and lulling her to sleep. Her reluctance of late to go to sleep had begun taking its toll already, spurred on by an incessant flood of images of Soi Fong, which never seemed to leave her alone unless she lacked the energy to even feign coherence. Thus she'd begun running into the early hours of morning, but not like the controlled, graceful sort she employed normally. It was inefficient, forced movement, just trying to get as far as she could, but inevitably ending up in circles, and even then Soi wouldn't go away completely; it served the purpose of numbing her more than anything else. She'd been excited before about her impending overseas trip, but now all she wanted was for it to get here and take her as far away from this place as it could, away from her memories that tortured her without cease. ---------- "Hey," Kisuke pondered aloud, jarring Yoruichi from her meditative task of playing with the straw in her juice container. "I was wondering when you wanted to have a party-- you know, for your trip." "No." Kisuke flinched at the dark-skinned girl's rather immediate answer. "...I don't want to." "B-but it's not like you to miss a chance t--" "I said I don't want to!" Yoruichi paused once she realized how harshly she'd spoken, almost like a tempramental child. "I... I'm sorry-- I've just been tired lately." "So I gather," the blonde muttered under his breath. The early spring wind washed over the roof occasionally to balance the warmth of the sun, but to Kisuke it only felt cold, reminded him of how distant from Yoruichi he really was. The next thing he said was innocuous enough, even though he himself knew what it would lead to. "...You're coming over tonight, right? We were gonna try getting through that movie again..." "...Oh. Yeah, of course," Yoruichi answered listlessly, even thought she'd forgotten altogether. "All right. It's a date, then." She hoped Kisuke hadn't seen her freeze at his usage of the term, stare numbly off into the distance as the phrase sank in. She hadn't wanted to refer to her get-togethers with Urahara like this, but she supposed that was what they were doing-- dating. Exactly like a boy and girl their age should have been doing, with exactly the proper sort of person. After all, she wasn't as though she was with anyone else. She hated herself for feeling that way, but the very thought made her sick to her stomach. ---------- The TV provided the only light in the room as it flickered like a lantern, casting technicolor shapes onto the forms of the two sitting before it. Yoruichi knew that it felt all too familiar, lounging on the same couch with Soi after they'd... Stop, she reminded herself. Don't think about her-- even though it felt impossible at the moment. Kisuke glanced at Yoruichi, aware by her restlessness of what was on her mind. He gave a sigh as he stopped pretending to be interested in the images before him, taking a deep breath as he prepared to move forward. He hated himself for doing something like this-- especially when he knew that Yoruichi's heart was somewhere else-- but she was too proud to admit her own mistakes. He had to force her to see what she'd done, make her do something that would be impossible to dismiss or take back. He felt her flinch as he slid a hand along the couch and around her shoulders, pulling her close. The first thing Yoruichi felt as Kisuke's arm cradled her was the sudden impulse to pull away, but before she took action she stopped herself short. It would look strange to her... boyfriend... to react negatively to his touch, so she swallowed her unease despite the fact that her stomach was churning. She hoped that he wouldn't notice her lack of enthusiasm. "Yoruichi..." He whispered, almost forgetting himself at actually holding her this way, the want in his voice helping to make his intentions clear. But Yoruichi felt no thrill, no breathlessness at his tone. She simply did her best to mirror the look in his eyes as he moved forward, a bit faster than she'd expected, firmly planting his lips on hers. She felt her mind go blank, but not the way it had with Soi-- where it had felt welcoming, peaceful. No matter how much she wanted to she couldn't force herself to react the way she knew she should; Yoruichi knew he was a good-looking man, that any girl would kill to be in her shoes now. He was strong and patient and effortlessly charming. Everything a woman could ask for. And yet she couldn't help feeling violated as he touched her, a rough hand sliding down her skin as if to force a reaction, couldn't help wishing that another pair of hands were there instead. But this was what she'd chosen, to push Soi away. She had to live with it, and the thought of a lifetime ahead of herself feeling this miserable only made her stomach protest more. Kisuke slid his lips along Yoruichi's neck, ignoring her growing signs of unrest, of discomfort. At the moment all he felt was anger, at her for never looking at him the way he'd wanted her to, for not ONCE making an effort to see him as more than a friend. He wanted to hurt her, wanted to force this on her, wanted to believe that by doing this there was the slightest chance that she could grow to love him. The young woman cringed as fingers ran along her back, lips on her throat. Just accept it, she tried to assure herself, but it felt hollow, meaningless. This wasn't right. Not what she really wanted at all. Stop, she thought desperately. Stop stop stop stop stop-- "Stop." At the sound of her own voice-- issued unbeknownst to Yoruichi-- she opened her eyes to find that her hands were outstretched, forcing Kisuke at arm's length. Her shirt was bunched up beneath her breasts, the outline of her bra barely visible; the blonde seemed to fall out of a trance at her sudden whispered command, and the hands that had been busy tracing the outline of her body came to an unceremonious rest beside him. Yoruichi's mind raced, the weight of her action coming to force itself fully on her mind. Slowly her hands came back to her, as though she could take back what she'd done with the simple action; she was rapidly searching for words, for some way to allay what she took to be Kisuke's confusion. "...I-I'm... I... I can't." The silence that followed was one of the harshest and most tormenting Yoruichi had ever endured. She wanted Kisuke to say something, anything that would allow her to keep up the illusion. But by now his frustration had subsided, replaced by a somewhat tentative measure of serenity. "...I'm just..." "...Tired? Is that what you were going to tell me this time?" Though his voice sounded just a bit hurt, the tone of joviality and understanding he seemed to bear whenever he could tell she was lying was there. It eased Yoruichi slightly, but the overall air of apprehension hadn't died down, leaving her feeling like a cornered animal. She couldn't help wondering if he knew, or how long he had known if he DID, in fact. Urahara sighed, then ran fingers through his long hair, scratching the top to give his nervous right hand something to do. No matter how much he knew this had to take place, he still had been dreading this moment, this talk with his best friend in the world. "...What's really wrong with you, Yoruichi?" After another long pause, he decided to stop dancing around the issue, especially since Yoruichi didn't seem any more eager to bring it up. "...Are you going to tell me it's about Soi Fong, or are you just going to sit there and jerk me around some more?" Yoruichi flinched visibly at his casual statement, instantly realizing that to lie further would only sink her deeper. But it came out anyway, automatically. "Nothing's going on." She looked him in the eye, hoping that he would believe her, but his gaze simply pierced her attempts at deceit. "Well, I--..." Yoruichi tried to hold his stare but it overwhelmed her, leaving her feeling self-conscious, naked in a crowd of people. Before she knew what she was doing it was coming out faster than she could think, faster than she could stop it. "Kisuke, I'm sorry, but... But I had to do it." "Why?" "Because I... I h-had to protect her. S-she shouldn't have been around me and I shouldn't have let it happen, but it did and... and I HAD to keep her away from me!" She sounded desperate, like she was trying to convince even herself that it was the truth. "I...was just t-trying to protect her." "Don't bullshit me Yoruichi," Urahara whispered solemnly, more than a little bitterly. "You were protecting YOURSELF." Yoruichi felt the words sting, bite into her heart knowing they were true, but still she couldn't face it, didn't want to hear it. "T-That's ridiculous-- I don't have any reason to..." "Yoruichi..." the blonde whispered, more than a little exasperated, "...You're my best friend. I know you better than... well... almost anyone," he admitted as he shrugged his shoulders. "And not once in the entire time I've known you have you ever had anything close to a relationship. Don't get me wrong," Kisuke corrected himself, "...of course you had your boyfriends and girlfriends and all those people you dragged around... but you never once felt anything for any of them. But her..." he paused, and Yoruichi instantly knew he meant Soi, "... you didn't treat her like the rest. I've never, EVER seen you so happy around anyone as you were with her." The young woman blinked, stared at her friend. Had she really been so... obvious? It didn't seem right. But then, Soi WAS different. Special, she admitted to herself, feeling that strange tug in her chest as she connected the word to the freshman. "You were afraid she'd leave you. So... you left her." Yoruichi opened her mouth to protest again, to say that it was the farthest possible thing from the truth, but as she thought about it she realized that he was right. She was so used to being strong, to being dominant, to controlling and manipulating the feelings of others that meeting a girl like Soi-- who was so guileless but so independent-- had felt strange. She knew Soi was strong, and her encounter with the freshman on the stairs had meant that she COULD get along without her. She didn't want her to be like that-- she had really wanted to see Soi in tears, begging for her back into her life, so that she could continue to get what she wanted without having to make an emotional investment of her own. She had never really WANTED Soi to get over her. So what did she want from the girl? As she acknowledged these facts another truth welled up inside her, aching to be accepted, but Yoruichi still put up a desperate fight with it. Instead, Kisuke spoke it aloud. "...You love her, don't you?" "N-no. I used her, that's all. I..." Yoruichi tried to continue but her heart told her it was a lie, that it was impossible to have simply USED Soi because she hadn't felt nothing, like she always had. She wondered what she was trying to say as Kisuke's words echoed in her head. "I just..." But there was Soi, long before she'd really known her, refusing her hand as she pulled herself off the ground, wiping a hand over her bloody nose, the late afternoon sun casting a haze of orange over her uniform. An embarassed Soi taking back the lunch she'd had stolen from her, which Yoruichi herself had stuck her neck out to get back. Soi ignoring her, uncomfortable as Yoruichi invited herself inside, visibly outside her carefully constructed confort zone. Soi struggling to capture the precision of a new kata, then doing it again with an almost surprising degree of grace and patience. Soi being led away by Isane into the twinkling lights of the festival, triggering the first pang of real jealousy Yoruichi had ever felt. Her hesitant smiles, so rare that she went out of her way to encourage them, to see that blank expression light up with joy that felt all too contagious. Soi's hand in her hair as she tried to fall asleep, the only thing she was aware of beyond her haze of medicine and illness. Her lips, so startlingly warm and chapped and rough in the chill winter air that she hadn't known what to do, what to say. No-- she HAD known what she wanted, how much she had just wanted to hold her back and kiss her, how gladly she would have stayed in the snow all night if it meant Soi wouldn't stop, but had been too...well, afraid... to do anything. And accompanying each of these memories, so brief but held so deeply in her heart despite her denial, was the feeling again, this time growing too strong, too powerful to ignore. "I..." the freshman slipped into her thoughts again, and as she held her there every emotion that had been in her way seemed to evaporate in the gentle gaze of her eyes. Except for one, and it hit Yoruichi like a ton of bricks. I really do... "Oh, God..." Yoruichi whispered, a hand finding its way to cover her mouth, as though afraid to say such a foreign set of words aloud. But it was too late to fight, had been too late for so much longer than she'd let herself see. Soi was swimming in her blood now, as much a part of herself as breathing, and she felt her heart ache as she did so; Soi's absence tearing at something deep within the upperclassman. Kisuke made to put a reassuring hand on her shoulder but hesitated, thought better of the gesture as he saw the visibly crushed, vulnerable look on Yoruichi's face, her heart broken before she'd let herself realize how far she'd fallen. "There's still time, you know." To her surprise Yoruichi chuckled bitterly at him, as if he'd been taunting her on purpose. "Kisuke... I can't." She didn't deserve it, that happiness Soi had given her so freely, the love that she'd poured her whole body and soul into, offering it without any hesitation. Yoruichi didn't know how to do that, to suddenly be a girlfriend to someone, to love her the way she deserved to be. "...She should have someone better." "Who do you think you're trying to kid? The Yoruichi I know wouldn't just give up like that." The girl was silent, chin resting morosely on her knees as she stared at the now-blank television screen. "You need her, Yoruichi. Don't let her go. You have to show her... how much she matters to you." Yoruichi sighed, took a moment before she spoke again, this time her voice small and quiet; afraid to ask what had been on her mind all along. "What if... she says no?" "...If you really love her, you'll trust her. And if she feels even half of what you do... she'll find a way to forgive you." Kisuke got off the couch, feeling rather ashamed of himself as he headed toward the front door. "Kisuke." He paused but didn't turn at Yoruichi's sudden exclamation. He simply waited for her to speak. "I...I'm sorry." She bit her lip, hoping for him to turn and tell her it was all right, but he only gave what looked like a nod before opening the door and walking out, shutting it behind him. Yoruichi threw her head back, sighed bitterly at the ceiling as she was left alone with her feelings, so long held back. It hurt to think about her friend now, but he was right. She DID love Soi. But what scared her the most was that she might be more in love with Soi than Soi was with her.
Back to The Cat and the Bee Index - Back to Bleach Shoujo-Ai Fanfiction