Dead Heart
Loneliness...
I'm so used to it now. It barely hurts anymore...
Only the occasional pang of pain...
And even this pain is dulled now... Somehow, when you are used to hurt
for so long that you can't clearly recall when it began, you don't feel
it anymore...
This is called resilience, I think...
I've always been alone.
Probably always be...
Don't get me wrong. I'm not as sad as I sound. Loneliness has become a
comforting friend to me. In a way, I've set myself apart willingly. This
is my refuge. This is were I find myself whenever I'm lost in this
crowded world. This is MY time, MY place.
This is my armor...
Of course, when I was just a kid, it hurt. I couldn't understand why
Otô-san was never there. I understood why he fled the house whenever
Okaa-san criticized him to no end. What I couldn't understand is why he
left me behind...
Facing her...
Then, she lashed out all her frustrations on me. Every tiny little
mistake I made was a good reason for her to shout at me how much I was
such a failure for her, How much I was a shame for her...beating me
down when my grades weren't high enough for her...telling me she
should've killed me the day I was born if only she had known I would
turn out so much like him.
And she told me that she was doing this because she loved me! For my own
good. To make me change and become someone better.
I never was what she wanted me to be. Never was the perfect little girl
of her fairy tale.
The illusionary world she's still leaving in, where she's the poor,
innocent one that everybody wants to tear apart.
How ironic!
To think that she sees enemies or threads in anyone, even her own
family, and is unable to see the pain she put those she should have
loved and trusted the most through.
I wanted her to love me for who I was...am...and I tried so hard...
Though, it never happened...
And I felt guilty for it. I believed it was my fault if she wasn't
happy, if I couldn't change who I was, if I couldn't meet her
expectations.
I felt guilty because I wanted to kill... Kill myself, or kill her, or
both of us...
Guilty because I sometimes found myself staring down from a bridge in
the wild floods beneath...or with a knife in the hand, trying to decide
what I should do with it...
I felt guilty because I was relieved that she would turn her anger at
Otô-san when he finally came back from work or whatever was keeping him
away from home.
And I was so afraid that one day he would leave forever and abandon me
too.
My mother hurt us, because she was hurting.
My father hurt us, because he was hurting.
And love was the cause of all of this, or maybe the lack of it, I don't
really know...
Maybe that were just misunderstood feelings.
I don't really care anymore...
Back then, I swore I would never love anyone... I'd rather be alone than
go through the same thing again. Back then I thought my heart was dead.
And I was glad.
I shut them out, so I wouldn't hurt that much. I shut everybody out. I
never had what people call best friends. Oh, I had "friends," but they
were more what I would now call acquaintances. I could never have told
them, I was ashamed. They wouldn't have understood. From the exterior,
we were the picture of the perfect family.
All a lie.
Always acting to seem normal.
My guiltiness, my own anger and my fears held me back.
Oh, luckily I had a wonderful grandfather. Ojii-san gave me the love I
craved for when I could be with him. It gave me the strength to go on,
he saved me from myself. I will always be grateful for his presence in
my life. He's the main reason I'm still alive. I didn't want to be the
one who would hurt him too, by doing something stupid. But I always knew
that it would eventually come to an end, like everything, like everyone.
That's how loneliness became my friend, my ally, my retreat. There, no
one could hurt me. It may appear like a weakness, a selfishness...but I
learned a lot thanks to it. I know that I can stand on my own, that
whatever life has in store for me, I can take it...
Loneliness taught me to come to terms with myself, well, most of myself,
at least. And when I did, I was finally able to be in peace with the
outside world. I haven't forgotten, I'm not sure I can forgive, but I
can understand, and this is a good start. Becoming a police officer was
for me, a way to redeem myself.
To prove I'm worth something...
I know, though, that there are things loneliness can't teach me.
I know who I am.
I know what I want (hum...at least, what I don't want).
I know my flaws and that makes me stronger. I'm confident I'll get over
them one day. I just need time.
But that's the only thing I can't have, isn't it Miyuki?
You bolted in my life like a bullet. You pierced my armor without
effort. You blew out the numbness I was living in. You made me want to
open up. You made me feel warmth. Now, to be a police officer is what
allows me to protect the people I've learned to care for. I'm still
afraid of intimacy, but I'm not afraid of having "real" friends anymore.
I'm more outgoing, more cheerful...even careless, sometimes...
Thanks to you.
You taught me trust and selflessness. You taught me *real* love, even
if for you this is only friendship love. You'll never know how much it
means to me. I'll always be there for you. I know I can't protect you
from everything. Life, although beautiful, is often cruel, and our job
can be dangerous. But if you fall, I'll be there to catch you.
Well...if Nakajima-kun doesn't first...
I know you love him. I hope he knows how lucky he is! Yes, he's a bit
clumsy, but he really cares about you. I can see the gleam of joy that
surrounds you whenever you're together. I know he wants your happiness
and will do anything to insure that (well, he better does, or else, I
will personally punch him in the next galaxy!!!).
Yes, it hurts to see that I'll never be the one that will fill your
heart like you fill mine, but this pain is different from the one I
experienced in my childhood. This is nothing in regards of your
happiness. He is a dear friend too and I don't think I could make you as
happy as he does. So, everything's probably for the better. Time and
your smile will numb this pain too. They already do.
You're a good cop, I'm sure you've figured me out, despite all my gests.
You've also figured I'm not ready to speak about all this. I don't know
if I ever will be.
It doesn't really matter...
You understand me.
My loneliness isn't a sorrowful void.
I'm your friend and that's more than I can ask for.
Now, I know my heart isn't dead, and I'm glad.
The End
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Maannn...I just finished rereading it and that looks so depressing,
although that wasn't the purpose, and I don't feel like it is. Sorry if
Natsumi seems to be out of character, but neither her or Miyuki's
pasts were explored (I've only read the mangas). Then I felt quite free
to do as I wished. Bear with me. ^_^ . From Natsumi, we only see the
carefree, and a bit dumb, police officer that we know. There has to be
more than that. What if that was all a masquerade? Or rather, the result
of a long journey?
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