Story: Sometimes I just dont get love (all chapters)

Lisa

Her name was Mia and though we never spoke or shared a moment alone
I knew there was something about her. Every time I would go to
class, or pass her in the hallway I would see her standing there
talking to someone, laughing at someone's joke or just thinking. It
was those times I liked best, when she just stood there thinking, it
was those times that I thought I could approach her and maybe start
a conversation.

But when she was with someone, or people just surrounded her,
I always felt it would be the wrong time, or it would turn into an
awkward moment. Although it wasn't as if I was shy or anything, well
around her maybe but around everyone else I was known as the blabber
mouth, the funny girl, the one that could entertain for hours. It
was true too, I enjoyed talking and I enjoyed listening but I liked
talking more, making jokes, making people laugh, being the centre of
attention. And to be honest, I was most of the time. Everyone in
college new my name; everyone would say hi when they saw me, smile,
wave; anything to get my attention, except her. She was the only one
I never spoke to, she'd been at my college for 4 months now, and not
once did I speak to her. Maybe we shared the occasional nod as we
passed each other, but we never spoke
like we knew each other, but god, how I wanted to.

I couldn't get it either, whenever there was a new person
coming into our college I was always first in line to make friends
with them. I'd get the gist of their character, tell others that
they were 'nice' and from then on they'd be making friends. But Mia,
she did it all on her own, she didn't need my help at all. She spoke
to some people, joked with others and even became close with some of
my friends. I remember Jaime telling me she was cool, and that she
should come rollerblading with us one time, I remember saying
'Whatever' after that, everyone assumed I didn't like her. If only
they knew.

After a while I convinced myself that I would just go up to
her and say something, anything. Maybe I'd borrow a pencil or
something, chat about something irrelevant and eventually we'd get
into that conversation where you know your about to be friends with
someone.

That day did come, and it was a reasonably sunny day, the
class was calming with soft conversations and the teacher left us
watching some movie about civil rights. I got out of my seat and
walked over to her table, I calmed myself and just thought
 
'Relax, I'm a nice person; there's no reason she won't like me.'

As I got closer her face turned towards me and she just looked
at me and for the life of me I just couldn't move. I stood there for
a moment that felt like an eternity, I was stuck ' her stare just
froze me. I felt like an idiot, so I turned around and went back to
my seat. God, I was an idiot! I remember seeing her face turn back
to the front quickly, and she must have thought I was so
weird.

After that, I just gave up. Obviously there was something
wrong with me, I couldn't get her out of my head and yet I couldn't
muster any courage to just talk to her. It was just one way or the
other for me, carry on dreaming about her or face the reality and
find out why she's to interesting. I'd never achieve the latter, so
I decided I'd just try (- try being the operative word) to forget
her.

That same day I decided to go to the library and pick up some
mythology books to brighten my mood, I'd always enjoyed those
stories and it would help put my mind in another world, where it
certainly needed to be at the moment. When I got there my mobile
rang and the librarian gave me the evil eye, I squirmed out of there
and answered it.

 ‘Lisa can you come by today and do an evening shift.’
Pleaded the voice over the phone.

I replied hesitantly
 ‘Oh Mike, you know I got college tomorrow I'll be knackered if
 I work tonight’

 ‘Well you ARE just volunteering so you have no contract to
 come in or anything but I really needed you, oh but what am I
 saying, you need your rest and I guess I can just try and
 manage by myself.’

His guilt trips always made me work more, and he knew it.

 ‘Fine, fine’ I muttered
 ‘Oh Lisa you're an angel! See you tonight, thanks again. Bye’

He quickly hung up before I could even think about changing my mind.
Oh well, I guess I could get some books and read them on the bus, it
would be more quiet then reading them at home anyway. I went back
inside and searched through a bunch of books, most I'd read already
so I was deciding whether I'd spend more time trying to find
something new, and possibly being late for work or just get
something that I knew was good because I read it before.

I decided to get 'The Epic of Gilgamesh' because I remembered
it did have a nice collection of poems and the story in itself was
intriguing. As I went to checkout my book I saw her in line, right
in front of me, her back was towards me so I tried walking quietly
so that maybe she wouldn't look at me. I walked silently towards the
line and as if from some sort of comedy show I landed the role of
'the clumsy oaf'. I dropped my book, tripped over it and bashed
right into Mia's back. Could I look anymore stupid?

 ‘Oh shit, I'm so sorry.’

I stuttered, and then bent down quickly to pick up the book trying
to avoid eye contact with her. She bent down faster than me and
picked up my book herself, while glancing over the cover.

 ‘Hmmm, 'The Epic of Gilgamesh' ey, I don't remember Mr Edwards
 assigning us any mythology books for homework' Did I miss
 anything?’

I laughed nervously, empty of any words to say to her. I snatched
the book from her hands and spoke.

 ‘Uh no, I' I like these books' oh but you know what' I just
 realised I already read this book.’

I left the book and her, turned to leave and then rushed to the exit
door. Oh god, now not only did she think I was an idiot ' but she
was going to think I was weird too.

 ‘Hey Lisa, wait up’ I heard her call.

I stopped and turned back to look at her. She was running towards me
while she spoke again.

 ‘I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything, I think it's cool that you
 like this stuff. Look …’

She reached inside her bag and brought out a couple of books. They
were fictional Greek story books, Hercules, Achilles and the works.
I looked at her for a while; she was so cute thinking that she
embarrassed me or something. I felt like an idiot now running out of
there like that. I didn't say anything. She looked at me, and then
put the books back in her bag quickly looking kind of embarrassed.

She looked down and said

 ‘I'm sorry, I just … I just wanted to talk to you. You seem so
 interesting and funny and everyone loves you... I've always
 wanted to talk to you, but I guess you don't like me very
 much, huh?’

 ‘No! ... I umm...’

I felt I myself beginning to lie again, I had to stop myself; I had
to remove this shell I created and just be honest with her. Just
tell her that I felt exactly the same. But I couldn't and I don't
know why.

 ‘Look, to be honest ' I ran out of there because I'm late for
 work ok. So I don't really have time to talk about books that
 we both like, because honestly I don't care.’

Wow, not only was I devoid from any truth at all, I was being a
classic bitch. I left after that, I didn't want to hear her call me
a bitch, or see a hurt look on her face. After that, I didn't
deserve to be friends with her.

When I got to work I felt like shit, and I didn't care who
knew it. Mike saw me as I came in and lug my bag under the desk and
throw my coat at the hook and miss. He came over, picked it up and
put it back over the hook.

 ‘Okie Lisa, Mrs Sanderton has been having a problem eating
 today so I want you to try and get her to eat something. You
 know how she listens to you. Also I want you to check in on
 some people on the lower ward just make sure their bandages
 are always dry. Otherwise, you know what to do.’

With that said, he disappeared back into the halls. That's always
the way it was with him, couple of words spoken and he's off to
order someone else. I wondered whether he actually ever did anything
himself, besides order someone about that is.
 
I walked over to Mrs Sanderton's room, I really liked her. She
was this nice old lady that use to give me caramels whenever she saw
me. The caramels were from her granddaughter but she could never
have the heart to tell her she wasn't really a sweet-tooth kind of
woman. After treating me with the sweets we'd talk for a while and
laugh about the stupid things on TV. I never really saw her family,
once or twice I saw a man in a business suit who was apparently her
son but I never saw the granddaughter of candy.

 ‘How are you doing today, Mrs S?? That was my little nickname
 for her.

 ‘I hear you haven't been eating much, come on now, you don't
 want your granddaughter to get worried now, do you?’

 ‘Oh don't try that one on me girly, you try some of this food.
 It's awful. Are you TRYING to make us sick?’

I picked up a fork and scooped it into the mash, dabbed it in the
gravy and chewed it up.

 ‘The mash is nice’ I said.
 ‘The mash is nice? Do you expect me to live on carbohydrates
 all my life?’ She said in a funny sort of way.

I looked at her and laughed, she reminded me so much of someone but
I don't know who. I guess she just had that familiar sort of
personality.

 ‘Ok, look lets make a deal here. My mum makes these amazing
 mince pies, how about I bring you some tomorrow?’

She replied with a questioned look on her face.
 
 ‘What's the catch?’

 ‘Well there's no fooling you. Ok, promise me you'll eat
 your food, and I'll bring you a pie every week. We got a deal?’

She seemed hesitant, and then we both laughed together.
 
 ‘Fine, fine, but they better be some good pies!’

She finally started eating her food, we laughed and talked until I
had to leave to look at some other patients. I always came back
though, every 20 minutes or so. After about 2 hours I came back, sat
down with her and started asking some personal questions I've wanted
to ask for a while.

 ‘So Mrs S, how comes I don't see your family so much' I mean
 I've seen your son a couple of times. But what about the ever
 popular candy granddaughter' I figured I should thank her for
 making such nice caramels.’

She looked quiet for a moment, a saddened look on her face made me
regret asking.

 ‘My granddaughter... she stopped talking to me a while ago.
 She didn't really agree with a decision I made and well' since
 then we haven't spoken much. But she has a heart of gold
 really, even though she can't bring herself to speak to me.
 She still sends me those caramels you love so much 
 ... every week.’

I couldn't quite understand, I felt angry at this girl leaving
her grandmother like this over some stupid decision in the past.

 ‘Oh the stubborn family member, I know them all to well. Why
 don't you give me her number, maybe I can convince her to come
 over sometime?’

 ‘Oh no dear, you don't have to go through all that trouble.
 It's really ok; I think its better this way. It would be too
 hard to see her, especially since ... well you know, if she
 came by she wouldn't feel guilty and have to send over those
 caramels. So you see its better this way.’

I could sense her feeling uncomfortable so I changed the subject to
a lighter note, and we were back with our laughter again.

***************

To be continued...

***************

Email me at ireallyloveanime@gmail.com for any thoughts, comments, etc..

Mia 

"Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!" I shouted as I rushed inside my room, slamming the
door behind me.

Why do I always mess these things up? It must've been the fifth time already
- maybe it's a sign, I'm just not meant to be friends with Lisa.

The first time was the worst, it was my first day at Tremont's College and I
got the usual butterflies in my stomach sensation. I remember it took me
almost two hours just trying to pick out an outfit to wear, my nerves wasting
most of my time. I started out by wearing a simple pair of torn jeans and
a white shirt, then I realised this would be too casual for my first day of college.

Then I wore a knee-length dress that was too loose to be slutty but too tight
to be comfortable. I went through 8 more outfits until I finally decided to go
for a short pleaded skirt and a summery rather than clubby halter neck top.

I tied my hair back with a black clip that looked dark in comparison to my light
brown hair and I breathed in a couple of times, readying myself for what I thought
would be a nerve wracking day.

Surprisingly it went better than I thought, I met a couple of friendly people who
introduced me to everything and I ate lunch with a big group of people whom
I eventually made friends with. I met the smart people; the funny people, the
beautiful people and I found that everyone was more integrated than I was
used to. Everyone mixed with each other and there was no group that idealised
itself on one category - which made me feel more welcome, and safe. 

Then as I was just about to go home with a couple of girls I met earlier, I
saw her talking to a teacher and laughing. She looked beautiful, and so confident.
Her blonde hair held back in a long, straight ponytail and her eyes glimmering
two different colours - one green and the other blue, and they looked absolutely
hypnotic. I found myself staring at her for what felt like an eternity. While I
never questioned my sexuality before I knew I wasn't just staring at her in awe
but in attraction.

She finished her chat, picked up her bag and went towards her locker. I stepped
back behind a pillar in the hallway just enough to see her and yet not be seen
by her. She opened her locker, took off her hair-band and brushed her hair
clean with her fingertips - shaking off the tightness it held. She pulled out
some books and placed it into her bag, dropping half of them on the floor. Just
then one of my new friends called out my name.

‘Mia - are you coming?'

I moved from behind the pillar into the open space and she turned around and
looked at me as I walked through the hall - her eyes entrancing me.

‘I'm coming, just have to get a drink first!' I yelled back as I walked. I stopped
next to her and smiled, then helped pick up her books.

"I'm Mia, I'm new here ... I'm a 2nd Yr" I said while picking up the books, not
looking directly at her.

"Thanks. I'm Lisa. I'm president of the 2nd Yr, so you're very lucky meeting me
on your first day". She laughed.

I noticed she wore a black top that read ‘Evanescence', a band I have been
in love with since forever, and loose fitting jeans covered in spatters of paint. 

I tried to think of a witty retort, or something interesting to say but my mind
was blank and I just smiled weirdly at her. I think she noticed this because
she quickly shoved the books in her bag, got up and waved as she walked off.

I tried imagining how I must of looked to her then, a shy new girl - flat personality,
and awkwardly weird. I fell back on my bed and closed my eyes.

God I looked like a weirdo then! I bet my mouth was half open drooling... ugh
I'm such an idiot. Then I thought back to today's events and I cringed.

I don't get it, why can't I just talk to her without looking stupid or making her
look stupid. What's the big deal anyway? So she's cute... and funny, and smart
and confident and .... Oh who am I kidding? Why would she want to be friends with me?

I picked up the duvet, draped it over my face and tried to relax, then I heard my
phone ring.

"Hello?" I answered still under my duvet.

"Mia! Why haven't you answered any of my texts? I've missed you babe."

It was Jay, my on-again, off-again boyfriend.

"Oh sorry Jay, you know how it's been - new place, new college. It's very stressful
and I haven't had time to speak to anyone back home."

We spoke for a while until I finally relaxed and fell asleep - just after convincing
Jay I was too tired to see him tonight.

I had a very strange dream that night, I can't remember entirely everything but
I remember I was running through a forest. I was really scared and lonely and
I could hear Jay and Alex and all my friends back home calling my name but I
couldn't find anyone. Then suddenly in front of me I saw Lisa - she held her
arms out to me and called for me.

"Mia.... Mia.... YOU STUPID COW!"

I woke up finding my sister having a hissyfit.

"Mia!! You didn't pick me up! It was pouring down, I waited an hour and I couldn't
even take the bus because I was waiting for you. I called you 5 times! I had
to get a lift from this greasy kid from school who couldn't stop eyeing me up.
What the hell?"

"Oh shit Ann I'm so sorry. I completely forgot... I was driving around with some
of the new people I met and I lost track of time. I'm really sorry!"

She huffed and sat down on her bed. "So why couldn't you answer my calls?"

"Your calls?" I reached for my mobile and found the screen blank. "You didn't call me."

She got up and grabbed her phone. "I did, I called you 5 times! Look!" She thumbed
through the keys and showed me her recent dialled list.

"Oh hun, that's my old number. Remember I lost it 2 weeks ago. Anyway I'm
sorry - I promise it won't happen again!"

"Yeah well it better not, dad didn't give you the Jeep so you could just have fun
with it you know!"

She turned back to her side of the room and got dressed, then collapsed back
on her bed.

"Oh man what a day! Our school is planning this dance kind of thing and
we're all supposed to go with dates and stuff. And ergh this kid Jamie - the
one who drove me home today, thanks for that by the way, he keeps trying
to ask me to the dance. I hate him. I hate this stupid thing of going with boys.
All the boys in my school are so immature, they're not like Jay or any of your
friends. Why can't I just go with my girl friends?"

She carried on talking and talking the way she usually did, asking and answering
her own questions filling me in with her daily stories without ever remembering
she was really upset with me 10 minutes ago.

"Yeah it's the usual school scenario, they'll always make you go to dances.
Well if you want to stay up to date with all the gossip and info that is. Be happy
with kids your age, sometimes they can be more mature than guys my age. Jay
isn't mature - all he thinks about is food, football and sex."

We talked all night until we both fell asleep, or rather until Ann fell asleep and
I followed.

I didn't dream about Lisa again, I think I dreamt about eating candy floss on
a big boat - don't ask me what it meant, maybe I was just craving some sweets.

**************************

To be continued..... 

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Email me at ireallyloveanime@gmail.com for any thoughts, comments etc..

When the morning came, I was glad for it - it somehow managed to bring new hope and new events to the day. You know, that whole 'another day, another beginning' thing.

I got dressed and decided today would be different; it was Saturday so I could get my mind off anything related to college. Instead I would do a bit of shopping, drive around and see what, if anything was good about this town.

I got up from my bed and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth, all in what seemed like the span of a couple of movements. Returning back to my room I scanned my cupboard for something comfortable to wear. I picked out a pear of my hipster jeans and my red jersey top. I looked at myself in the mirror to quickly review my look. I looked really pale, which was a new thing to me since having Spanish/French parents always gave me a light permanent tan. My jeans were looser than usual, I always kept down to a usual small size but recently I'd been losing too much weight. I think it might've been the stress of leaving everything and everyone behind - I continued to stare at myself in the mirror, I could almost see some of my ribs and it looked disgusting.

It wasn't that I was anorexic or anything, I didn't look it - but recently I might look a little less… how do I put it... 'Underdeveloped?' I enjoy eating and exercising (well riding my bike or jogging every now and then is what I define exercising) but my depression lately has just caused me to forget about everything, everything but my sleep.

I usually go out, hang out and do whatever, then I come home and watch TV and do whatever and then I sleep. I either forget about eating, or my mind just doesn't really care about it enough to bother. At first I use to feel the hungry and I might eat something or other, but when I get depressed (not about myself or my weight or anything, just about things in my life) I get distracted and I do something else - which most of the times is sleeping.

Keys in, ignition started and the car was off. I was finding lots of reasons to hate my family recently – but this car, this wonderful jeep definitely wasn’t one of them. I’ve never hated my family, but sometimes they would just do things that would really piss me off. First they moved town without even considering the whole family’s needs. Then we had this big family problem, which everyone kept avoiding. No one noticed the big elephant in the room when everyone was home, but every time it would be me who got into an argument with my parents about it.

I just don’t understand it, it was stupid and hurtful and they acted like it was nothing. The only person I could really go to when things were rough at home, was grandma, but being that she was the reason of the current problem I couldn’t even go see her.

I drove blindly down the roads, thinking of anything beyond the steering wheel. My phone rang, quickly snapping me back to reality and the cars in front which I had just managed to swerve. I stared at the phone, groaned and ignored it, knowing full well that Jay would want to spend the day with me and that just wasn’t what I wanted to do today. So I kept on driving as the phone kept ringing; but the ring became like this pulsating vibration in my head and I finally gave up and reached for the phone.

“Hey Jay.”

“Hey darling, where are you?

The car behind me kept beeping like a crazy drummer on a high, so I decided to use that as an excuse.

“Hey sorry hun I’m driving right now, I’ll call you later.” With that said I quickly hung up the phone and turned to the next exit towards the town’s biggest shopping centre, ‘Pavilion’.

My phone started ringing again, and I swear I could have kicked myself for giving my new number to Jay.

‘God damn it’. As I reached for her phone, I noticed this time the number was unrecognisable.

“Hello?” I whispered just enough so the person on the other end could hear.

“Umm… hi… Are you related to.. umm.. Mrs Sanderson?” The question threw me off.

Panic, worry and anxiety struck me all at once.

“YES! She’s my grandmother. Why? What happened, tell me please?”

“Oh no nothing don’t worry… I’m sorry to call out of the blue. It’s just… I’m a nurse here at St. Mathews Hospital … well a voluntary nurse…and Mrs … your grandmother she’s such a nice person, and very sick you know. She’s so lonely… and … I don’t mean to pry but she talks about you all the time. You’re the ‘granddaughter of candy’ as we like to call you. I was just wondering… I mean hoping, if you could come by sometime…”

I couldn’t believe what was happening.

“Who the hell are you? What right do you have to meddle in my business?” I spat back.

The voice on the other line paused then replied.

“I don’t have any right I know, but I know Mrs Sanderson and she needs all her family right now.”

I replied again without thinking.

“You don’t know me, you don’t know my grandmother … you’re just someone who works in a hospital who thinks they can just judge the patients that come and go…” I was shouting and only now aware of the tears streaming down my face.

“I’m sorry… look I don’t mean to judge or anything… but…” the voice quietened down.

I quickly wiped the tears off my face and turned the ignition off in the car.

“Judge? FUCK you ok! When your fucking grandmother decides its ok to give up and just die and no one cares enough to make a difference… not one single fucking person who can make a difference… then you can pretend to know what I’m going through. So leave me the hell alone.”

The voice on the other end grew louder this time and yelled back.

“You know what? Fine, that’s a decision she made. But instead of being stupid and determined in your own little ideas – maybe you should realise she doesn’t have much time left. And instead of wasting that time you could be using it to see her before its too late!” With that said, she hung up the phone.

I sat there, frozen in silence. I was pissed off that some random person had called me out of nowhere to give me a lecture, but I was even more pissed that it took me this long to realise what I was doing was wrong, and it took the words of a random stranger to show me that.

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To be continued.....  

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Email me at ireallyloveanime@gmail.com for any thoughts, comments etc..