"You've probably spent more time in your room tonight than in the last five years." The voice came from the doorway of my old room. It was my mother. I was inside the room sitting on my bed. I had brought Nell up here about a half-hour before; she had been interested to see it. But, about two minutes earlier Alex had come up and dragged her away on a tour of the house. I was going to go as well but he had told me mom was on her way up to see me.
"You're probably right," I said turning to face her.
She came and sat down on the bed beside me then proceeded to stare at me once again.
"I really hate it when you do that," I commented a moment later.
"I know," she said sighing. "But I hardly see you so when I do I have to commit the image to memory."
I was silent. The comment was true and it shamed me. I didn't know what to say.
"Things will be different now," I said finally looking down at my feet. "I'll be…much more available…if you want."
"It's all I've wanted from you," she responded. I still didn't meet her eyes. "You're looking well," she said a minute later.
"I'm feeling well."
"That's good."
"Yes, it is," I responded. "Yes, it is."
"You seem happy."
"I am." I turned to face her after I said this. "You sound surprised."
"Pleasantly surprised."
"Nobody memo'd you about hell freezing over either?"
"What?"
"Just something Alex said."
We were silent for a moment after that.
"She…Eleanor adores you, you know," mother said once again breaking the silence. She looked at me intently as she said this. I could feel her antennas reaching out and poking around trying to feel me out, pick up the scent.
"That's good. I'm quite taken with her myself."
"You're serious about her?" The question was double edged and I knew it. Though I didn't parade it around, my mother was familiar with my exploits if not the details of them. The community of the Manhattan rich was somewhat incestuous, and no matter whom you were sleeping with it was the daughter or son of someone who knew someone, who knew your mother.
She liked Nell and wanted to know if I was going to break her heart. She wanted to know if I was going to use her and throw her away, and as much as I wanted to be angry at her for asking the question and insinuating what she was insinuating about my character, I knew that I had earned it. So I answered.
"Extremely serious," I responded. Then after debating mentally for a moment I added. "Believe it or not I'm actually in love with her."
"Are you?" she asked carefully. She sounded hopeful but guarded. I don't think that I've fully appreciated what a royal bastard I really was.
"Positively," was my response. "She…" I paused for a moment silently debating whether or not to voice the overly sentimental thought that first popped into my head. "She's my sun and moon, the world rises and sets with her," I continued deciding to just say it. She was my mother after all; it wasn't as if she was going to laugh at me and tell all the other kids.
"She's a lovely girl," my mother said finally.
"You don't need to tell me that," I replied.
She looked over at me and smiled.
"Hold on to this one," she said seriously.
"I've sent away to have the chains engraved," I responded. "Two more days and she's not going anywhere."
"Thank you," mother said in response to my reply.
"For what?"
"That delightfully sarcastic response. I was beginning to wonder if it was really you in there," she responded smiling. I had her smile I realized as I looked at her. I had worn the teasing look she now had on her face on my own many times before.
"You sound like Alex," I said shaking my head.
I finished a painting today called "Tin Woman", it is the picture of a woman who after drifting about aimlessly for years finally stumbled across something meaningful, something truly remarkable, her heart. You can draw your own conclusions as to my inspiration for the piece.
I'm no philosopher, no great thinker—in fact I try to avoid using that part of my brain whenever possible. Never before have I speculated about the nature of love, the meaning of life, or considered the bigger picture. As a result, I'm completely unprepared to fully express the emotions that have slowly taken me over and the effect that they have had on my life and I'm sure will continue to have on me. Truthfully, I don't know why, or how, or where or when or whatever about anything. I just what is and that it's good.
Hill House changed my life forever and ever more, and while the transformation wasn't always smooth, or comfortable, or enjoyable, it brought me to this particular here and now, and this particular here and now is a much better place than I've ever known, or at my worst could ever have dreamed of. I haven't always been the most gracious of people, or the most appreciative person, but I am not nor have I ever been a stupid person. I know, and fully appreciate the fortunate position I am in. In this world there are a great many things that are hard to find—bars of gold, cheap parking in New York, something that's actually free, clean air—but true love is hardest of all. It is, I've come to believe, the fruit of life, and with Nell I now hold this golden apple in my hand, and together, I think, we shall partake in the feast.