Thief Messiah Carmen Sandiego
Object 06
by StarCross
They finally got to watch Pulp Fiction. It took a little effort to pry it off Quentin Tarantino's hands considering how Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta surprisingly acted like their movie counterparts. But one happy slap from Sharon Herpes's hands sent them to a plastic surgeon infamous for turning from black to white Michael Jackson.
By chance, it was close by to Silicon Valley, the hot bed of the dot-com boom when an application called Mosaic was released by the National Center for Supercomputing Applications, and it was odd because Mosaic was meant for regular computers. The Butch had often talked about a revolution being underway through what was called the World Wide Web in which anybody, with a little know-how, could put a page of whatever they want and anybody could access it from anywhere in the world.
She had said, as translated from her one-word grunts, that A.C.M.E. once had much faster and vaster computer and network system, but that had been shut down due to budget cuts.
So they took this opportunity to shop around the various start-ups--in disguise of course--basically to have a look around of this emerging technology founded not by meta-governmental organizations, but from ordinary citizens. Ordinary rich citizens perhaps.
One company of interest was Intel, who had just fairly recently released their updated line of Pentium processors, and the multimedia demonstrations at the public showrooms wowed Carmen (who was under the alias Carrie Santiago) and the rest of her agents who were also under not-so-creative aliases.
"So how did V.I.L.E. manage all the information and the logistics of the organization?" asked Becky.
"We have in the past used proprietary and hand-coded systems," replied Carmen, "but usually we rely on encrypted phone calls, letters, messengers, carrier pigeons, and informants. Sometimes I use A.C.M.E.'s own equipment, but since the Player has been silenced, they are pretty much useless."
"Ma'am," said an old and able man who approached the group. "I take it you seek to renovate your entire computer-network infrastructure."
"Andy Grove, CEO of the Intel Corporation," Contessa whispered into Carmen's ears.
"Mister Grove," smiled Carmen. "What brings me the honor of meeting you in this showroom?"
"I can't help but want to meet the beautiful mistress of the L.I.V.E. Company of Europe Miss Santiago," said Grove.
"Oh, we're not that quite famous."
"But you are rich."
"Well, we do deal a lot in media, but we hardly get the recognition we want. However, I am interested in catching up with this 'Information Superhighway' they young ones keep talking about."
"We only sell processors here, along with the occasional network equipment and motherboards. We could draft a deal if you were a OEM, but it does not seem you do not have the time nor the resources to assemble your own computers."
"Actually, it's the other way around. But I do need to have a system installed at one of my branch headquarters as soon as possible."
"Perhaps I can help you with that," said Grove. "Me and the rest of the board are having a chat with Michael Dell, the CEO of an up-and-coming computer reseller that bears his moniker."
"So you wouldn't recommend IBM?"
"Those guys along with Compaq and Hewlett-Packard are old dinosaurs. I assure you that Mike will certainly meet the needs of your company."
"I hope he will."
Carmen gave Grove a few numbers from the stolen cellular service, and he gave his number as well.
Contessa had her reservations, which she expressed when the V.I.L.E. gang packed at the Starbucks coffee house of the main street Santa Clara, which looked to the normal citizenry to be a gathering of freaks.
"It feels a little suspicious," said Contessa.
"What is?" Carmen asked, after creating a foamy frappucino moustache above her lips, which made Becky cover her mouth to snort and chuckle.
"Grove is a little too enthusiastic in meeting Michael Dell when Hewlett Packard is right next door relatively speaking."
"So you sense something underhanded in the deal they are offering to us."
"I'm not sure, but we have to be on our guard."
"As always."
The appointment with Grove and Dell was scheduled tomorrow, and Carmen and Contessa drafted up their "negotiating" party that included themselves along with Seymour Butz, Bo Nerr, Sir Kim Zishun, The Butch, Becky, and Les B. Ann.
They met the other party at a private meeting room in a high-class hotel, and after formal introductions, Contessa got right to the point.
"Drop the act Grove," she said. "Don't even start Dell. And Bill Gates, come out of the closet."
From the utility came the geeky man in a suit who was none other the founder and head of Microsoft. Gates shifted into the empty seat immediately to the left of Dell, who sat at the head of the table.
"You are quite astute to find out about our connections," said Grove.
"That is why I have the best in my organization," said Carmen. "So what's this deal you want us to perform?"
"I'm surprised you'll actually listen! We of the Enterprise Triad would like you to perform a simple thievery on our behalf. Of course, like all the others you have worked for, we will pay you quite handsomely."
"It's also the equivalent of the GNP of a small first-world nation I might add," said Gates.
"I know you can't refuse," said Dell. "We know that your grandiose thefts cost a lot of money, and you have a tendency to live lavishly."
"Not quite true," said Carmen. "The lavish lifestyle is for my fellow agents as a reward for their completion of their duties."
"You feed your agents quite well," said Grove.
"So what do you get out of this?"
"Well, a generous helping aid from the government for our losses, and winnings from the betting pool of me and your friends."
"Or gambling losses if we lose," grinned Gates.
"I sure hope that you use those winnings for something charitable," said Carmen.
"Indeed we will! My girlfriend Melinda is poking me to start a charitable organization sometime in the future."
"Don't you mean future wife?"
"It looks like you found that out as well."
"I sure wish I could go to the wedding, but I do not wish to spoil the party with my presence. Very well, I shall aid you in stealing the items that you wish to be stolen."
"Excellent," smiled Grove. "In a few days time, we'll send you the list of items needed to jumpstart the network for you criminal empire."
"Appreciated. My contact shall be Moe Mentum, my runner. You do not have to send to him. He goes to you."
Moe had done his duty and came back with the list in one of Carmen's many secret bases in Bakersfield, California, which used a mango farm as a front.
In the meeting room of their underground lair, Carmen and the elite agents read the list on a overhead projector, and whispered to themselves on how they could pull off a triple-theft in three separate locations: Redmond Washington, Santa Clara, California, and Round Rock, Texas. They were the headquarters and manufacturing depots for Microsoft, Intel, and Dell respectively.
"Um, why couldn't we just buy a computer, or use one at the university," said Les.
"If we bought one, wouldn't the rest of us want to use it as well?" Carmen asked.
"I would sure like to play that Doom game the other agents keep talking about," said Bo Nerr.
"And perhaps I can make a webpage of the benefits of Holistic Proctology," grinned Rogenis.
"The reason we can't just waltz up and buy things is because of our reputation," said Contessa. "All the fake IDs and credit cards won't hide us forever. Plus we really need the money because right now we don't have any."
"Can't we just shut down one of our secret bases?" Les asked.
"We're not taking any chances."
"I suppose we'll have to divide into three groups to attack those facilities our clients want to rob," said Carmen. "Sir Kim Zishun, I am grouping you with The Butch, Sharon Herpes, and Jenny Teilia to rob Microsoft. Bo Nerr, I want you, Seymour, Moe, and Rogenis to tackle Intel fabrication plant in Santa Clara. Contessa, Les, Becky, and I will be in Texas to conduct the thievery of the Dell computer parts."
"You're taking Wolf Ears with us?" Contessa asked. "After what happened last time?"
"She performed her mission quite admirably, so I wish to have her accompany me in order to witness her skills."
"You can count on me Carmen!" Becky saluted.
With wounded pride, and maybe with a bad case of herpes complex in Leila's case, the four young adult agents were back in the briefing room of their new headquarters receiving a stern stare-down by their commanding officer, Lou Tennant.
"Face it," said Cole, who now had a bandage across his nose. "We got our asses kicked."
"I apologize Lt. Tennant," said Ivy. "It's just that they overpowered us."
"How could we beat them?" Zack said. "We're up against superpowered freaks!"
"Damn that woman," said Leila through her bandanna scarf that made her look like a robber. "I'll get her next time!"
"If Batman can go up against Superman, then we could," said Tennant. "Fortunately, they are still human and not of alien or mutant origin. And they did not receive magical powers from magical objects."
"I do recall a case years ago..." started Cole.
"I want no more excuses. We cannot afford another failure or A.C.M.E. is finished."
"They outnumber us and outdiscipline us!" cried Zack. "They still have most their resources ever since the fall of The Chief."
"Then I'm sure you won't expect any more failures when introduce to you our new recruits."
"New recruits?" said Ivy.
"Does that mean our budget has been increased?" Cole asked.
"Only by a little bit," said Tennant. "Now if you'll please come this way."
Tennant led the young adult agents into one of the few lounge rooms of the building where three men, one woman, and one striped cat got off their couches, but only one of them stood at attention. That man was well built and ruggedly handsome, which nearly made Leila swoon and giggle despite the fact, or because of that he was wearing a kilt.
"Where's Ives?" Tennant asked.
"Ives is in the pooper with a magazine!" answered a flashy blonde man in a red sleeveless soldier's uniform and large sunshades. He seemed to like gyrating his hips for everyone to see for no apparent reason.
"I heard that!" yelled a man from the bathroom. Out came an average looking man who was tightening his belt and holding on to an issue of Cosmopolitan.
"I only read this for the articles," he continued, "not to jack off with."
"Such a lying asshole," muttered the woman in the cloak.
"I heard that too!"
"Shush," said Tennant. "Ivy, Zack, Leila, Cole--let me introduce to your new partners.
"The man with the, um, magazine is Ives Dropper. This woman here is Irma Pitt. The man in the sunglasses is Char Jant. You also have a doctor assigned to you, and his name is Anil Proub."
"Hello," spoke a fidgety man in a lab coat who seemed to always have his hands behind his back.
"From the Army we have Major Sigrid Pubick, a veteran of the Gulf War who has volunteered his services to aid us."
"Pubick huh?" Leila cried. "Ivy, don't you think he's cute?"
"I don't know..." Ivy said.
"Cute my ass," said Ives. "He'll put a hole through you if you realize who he is."
"Who asked you asshole?" said Leila.
Anil flinched. "Ah! Not my anus!"
"Ahem," said Tennant. "Finally, we have Toonces... The Driving Cat."
Toonces meowed.
"No way!" Zack cried. "The Toonces? I thought he was a character in Saturday Night Live!"
"I told you not to watch those shows!" Ivy yelled.
"Damn it Ivy," said Leila, "Zack is not a kid anymore!"
"Um, yeah," said Tennant. "Toonces is real, but this one doesn't drive you off a cliff because... he won't drive cars."
"Great," Ivy said. "Now we got a freaks on our end."
"Oh, I can get freaky with you," said Ives.
"Back off asshole."
"Please!" Anil cried. "Don't touch it!"
"I assure you, that we won't exactly match the quirks of the super-powered criminals in V.I.L.E.," said Pubick.
"Hopefully," added Irma.
The resident yakker K. M. Yoonity burst into the room with fresh news.
"We just received a hot tip from some 'triad' group that Carmen and her gang are going to stage some computer-related robberies in the western U.S.!" he said.
"But we haven't found Hearst Castle yet!" Ivy cried.
"Maybe," said Tennant, "but if we can at least capture one of the elite agents we'll be able to pinpoint its location. Or better yet, we'll be able to put a stop to Carmen and her infernal organization. In that case we shall split into three groups and intercept them head on!"
"As long as I'm not paired up with asshole over there," said Leila.
"I heard that," said Ives.
"Because I want you to hear it you ass!"
Redmond, Washington. Location, Microsoft distribution facility at headquarters. Kim, The Butch, Sharon, and Jenny led their troops through the warehouse doors after sending the security running in agony after receiving a slap from Sharon.
The place was predictably dark. One of their primary targets were a shipment of Microsoft software of Windows for Workgroups 3.11 bundled with MS-DOS 6.22, both of which were gnarly operating systems required for most modern computers to run (compared to the gnarlier Linux, Unix, and BSD). The conveyor belts, the shrink wrappers, the compact disc engravers, and disc pressers were all asleep when V.I.L.E. moved in to quickly and quietly pilfer the ready-to-ship OEM (original equipment manufacturers) discs of the operating systems and office productivity software (uncreatively named Microsoft Office) and the accompanying manuals. God knows when anyone would read a semi-helpful manual on cumbersome software.
"Unh," said The Butch.
"Yes, it's too quiet," said Kim. "We'd better hurry now before we spring whatever trap our clients had set up us with."
"But such traps could be part of their gamble," said Jenny.
"Perhaps. Well, we're V.I.L.E. Very Intelligent Learning Entrepreneurs. We're bound to overcome any obstacle that comes in our way. All right men, hurry it up!"
The men stopped. The regular agents tripped in their places, and some of them were hoisted in the air by an invisible wire or equivalent. The elites quickly formed a back-to-back circle, and Kim drew out his scalpel so he could hit a light switch.
The place lit up, and what they saw to their horror the space webbed with coarse hair catching their prey like flies. Up on the catwalk were three elite ACME agents, Leila Long, Major Pubick, and Irma Pitt, and their faceless and helmeted regulars.
"Oh, sweet revenge for what you did to my face!" Leila yelled through her bandana scarf.
"So now you have your own force to call your own?" Kim yelled back.
"Indeed! This our Sol Jer Force given to us by our backers to fight off your stupidly dressed goons."
"Brother!" Jenny cried.
"Jannicke!" cried Major Pubick. An endless number and length of pubic hair had extended from his kilt that formed the trap-web.
"Eh?" Leila said. "You have a sister?"
"I have no sister," he growled.
"This isn't good you guys," Jenny said. "We must get out of here before he unleashes his power."
"He's just like you?" asked Kim.
"He has a different style of attack, but it's just as devastating--or perhaps more."
"The let's see if he can dodge this!"
"Don't!"
Kim threw eight scalpels through the web at Pubick, which were then swatted off easily by the appearance of more pubic hairs. The hairs then latched onto Kim's arm, forcing upwards until The Butch and Sharon pulled him back down.
"Sigrid!" Jenny yelled. "Stop this at once!"
Jenny then sent out her own pubic hair, blond in color in comparison to Pubick's dark brown, which then wrapped around the existing web. Both siblings wrestled from the spot as they tried to knock each other over or to a certain direction. In one scream, Jenny overpowered Pubick and sent him crashing into the wall.
The web collapsed, freeing the V.I.L.E. agents. But that meant that the Sol Jer Force, armed with collapsible electric batons, sprang into action to take down the regular agent thieves.
"I'll take care of the Major!" Jenny cried. "You guys defeat the others and make off with the software!"
"Unh!" the Butch cried.
"Just pray it won't have to come to that."
Using her pubic hair, Jenny pulled herself onto the catwalk the force Pubick out of harms way through hand-to-hand combat. Once out, unnatural tremors occurred. Walls cracked and windows shattered, but everyone was too preoccupied on the fight.
Leila went after Sharon, who dodged her kickboxing tactics like a drunken master.
"I don't know what I did to offend you," said Sharon.
"You did plenty!" cried Leila, who made sure almost every part of her skin was covered.
The Sol Jer Force moved almost like robots, and quickly they beat down the regular agents with their batons. The agents would have been captured if not of The Butch's hard-hitting palm-thrusts to the Sol Jer's heads. The Sol Jers hit back almost as hard as robots.
Sir Kim Zishun was cut on his shoulders by what felt like talons. Looking above, he saw Irma Pitt, who had discarded her cloak to reveal her unique, albeit gross, ability of flight. Her armpit hair had been webbed and extended to form vulture-like wings. She had discarded her shoes to expose her sharpened toenails, which were yellowed from the blood of her many victims. She swooped down to attack Kim once more, and Kim countered by throwing her surgical knives at her wings.
He missed. He was so used to aiming close to the crotches of men, and never before had he tried to attack a woman's. This wasn't good. Irma Pitt cackled like a hawk, and continued to rain terror from above.
He could only imagine the kind of battle Jenny and Pubick were having outside. Chances were, it was very destructive. He then wondered if the other two teams were having the same kind of trouble.
The situation at Intel Corporation in Santa Clara, California presented a unique challenge, as there wasn't cavernous warehouse for them to invade. Each high-end Intel Pentium Processor chip was made in small clean rooms, but they had to be shipped to an external facility to be packaged and shipped to OEMs or computer stores. Hence it required a bit of finesse to break in.
Almost immediately, Bo Nerr, Seymour Butz, Moe Mentum, and the rest of the attack force were swarmed by the mysterious Sol Jer Force. They were having a hard time defending themselves without getting captured, for the Sol Jers had to take a couple more hits than usual to go down.
"We have to split up," said Seymour. "I'm tired of looking at these asses."
"We might not be able to," said Bo Nerr.
They were forced into the lobby that was now lighting up from the attacks. From the second floor balcony leapt Char Jant in a showy and pompous form, separating Bo Nerr from his companions.
"Fuuuuuuuu!" yelled Char.
"What?" said Bo.
"Fuuuuuuuu!"
"Huh?"
"Fuuuuuuuu--"
"Oh screw this!"
Bo lunged in fist first, and Char side-stepped to slap his butt.
"Relax man!"
"How dare you?"
Bo focused his energy to land another punch, which then broke a window without harm to his hand. Then suddenly, Char knocked him down to the floor with a groin thrust to the head, and began gyrating his pelvis.
"Fuuuuuuu!"
"Stop!" Bo cried.
And the rest what happened was left up to imagination.
Meanwhile, Cole and his Sol Jers teamed up against Seymour and Moe, with Moe primarily going against Cole and his pole--his collapsible staff, damn it. Seymour resorted to loading up live bullets in his sniper rifle, and decided that striking butts against the resilient Sol Jers was useless. During his shooting, he kept on seeing Ives Dropper standing in the middle of the battle with his eyes closed, as if all the noise was music.
Seymour was curious. Licking his lips, he took a shot at Ives, who then moved slightly to dodge the bullet. Ives shot back with this Beretta pistol, and Seymour evaded with just a graze on his shoulder.
"I heard that," said Ives.
"Damn asshole," grunted Seymour.
Ives shot again. Seymour dodged that bullet and took to the stairs for the advantage of high ground. He fired again, but Ives dodged it as if he knew it was coming.
"Is he blind?" Seymour asked. "Or just have good hearing?"
"It's latter you ass-looker," answered Ives. "I am sometimes called The Ultimate Listener. Years of living in the dark enable me to hear sounds you can never hope to hear."
Ives fired again, and struck Seymour's leg.
"I can hear everything," grinned Ives. "Your time is up."
Dr. E. Rogenis was part of the backup team, and when the Sol Jer Force arrived just outside the building of Intel Corp., she took upon herself to protect the regular agents. After jamming her fingers up their anuses, she began to realize that there was something different about them, and had sprained two of her fingers in the process. Still, she had to use a long and phallic-looking pistol device, a personal invention of hers by the way, to take them down.
"M-Ma'am," said a timidly handsome man in a labcoat. "Please put down your weapon."
Rogenis focused her eyes. Anil Proub was holding a compact pistol that probably wouldn't hurt her even if he were a good shot.
"This is just a medical device," replied Rogenis. "I'm just a doctor."
"Oh, what a relief," said Anil. "I'm a doctor as well. Wait, you're still the enemy. Please put down whatever that is and surrender."
"I'm sorry, but I have to remain here for my friends. Unless... you want an anal probing."
"No, I'm set."
"Come now. Anal-invasive therapy does great wonders for your health, and your sex life."
"No please. Please get away from me."
"We could use my fingers. Oh, why not my Portable Probulator? This thing goes in really deep!"
"Please..."
"Eh? This is too intimidating? I see."
Rogenis pressed a switch on her device, and the Portable Probulator exploded, or rather divided into eight hallow phallic devices for outrageous penetration.
"Now that's better!" Rogenis smiled insanely. "That way, you'll get fresh probe after every one hundred revolutions. Now get on all fours young man! Don't be shy!"
"No!"
Rogenis disarmed the man into a position that his butt was in the air. She hungrily began to pull down his pants when suddenly she was kicked backward on the stomach.
Anil rose breathing heavily in a rage. In one scream, the back of his pants tore apart and four robotic arms with blades attached to its ends emerged sinisterly.
"You aliens," growled Anil. "Always kidnapping me. Always probing me! I, Anil Proub, must defend our sacred Earth from you aliens!"
"Aliens?"
"I developed these Battle Briefs to fight against your kind. Prepare yourself!"
Rogenis only grinned. "Interesting. All the more reason to defeat you and then to probe you!"
The incident at Dell's warehouse in Round Rock, Texas was similar to that at Redmond. They were ambushed, and Carmen's party consisting of Contessa, Les, Becky, and The Pussy had been separated and were now lost in the maze of towering shelves of computer cases, motherboards, monitors, floppy disk drives, hard drives, and a few thousand of those new-fangled CD-ROM drives.
Becky did her best not to kill the Sol Jer Forces, but it seemed that taking them down with a few kicks, punches, and non-lethal cuts would not have mattered anyway. They moved without words or any semblance of fear of pain. They just kept on going.
Slashing her way through, she finally ran into Les and Contessa, who were holding out as they protected the regular agents.
"Have you seen Carmen?" Contessa asked.
"I haven't!" Becky responded.
"I've seen her fighting against Zack and Ivy at the assembly section," said Les.
"I'm going after her!"
"Becky, come back!" Contessa yelled. "At least wait for us!"
Becky slashed her way out of the warehouse and burst into the assembly area. On conveyor belts, she saw Carmen fighting one on one with Ivy, and above them on the catwalk Zack was ready to drop a net on Carmen.
"Not this shit again," said Becky.
Becky climbed up to the catwalk and faced off with Zack, who then threw the net right at her. Becky cuts through and attempted to knock out Zack, but surprisingly he attacked back with his expertise in jujitsu. He redoubled his efforts, focusing solely in disarming Becky, who kept a firm grip on his sword.
"I thought you were a lanky pipsqueak," said Becky.
"I've grown up," said Zack. "And I learned a lot from my sis."
Becky looked down. Ivy had now backed Carmen into a dead end, and was ready to handcuff her.
"You should try relaxing," Carmen said.
"Like hell," said Ivy. "Do you know how much stress you caused us over the years? Do you realize that I can never have stable boyfriend because of you?"
"You love your job, and you know it. Or perhaps there is another reason."
"And that is?"
Carmen suddenly grabbed Ivy and placed her in a seductive hold.
"You know that only you are suitable to succeed me," said Carmen. "I am also flattered that you have taken a liking to me."
Carmen had said all this as she stroked Ivy's trembling cheek. Whether it was jealousy or the fact that Ivy was about to draw out her gun or knife, Becky kicked Zack away and dove down. Carmen and Ivy immediately separated, and Becky stood in protectively in front of Carmen with her sword drawn.
"Wolf Ears," said Carmen.
"I can't let the likes of her touch you," said Becky.
A net fell on the two, and Becky cut it apart.
"Cut that out!" Becky yelled. In one slash, she sent a cutting energy wave that sliced apart the overhead catwalk. Zack and his box of useless nets fell over, and Ivy caught his little brother just in time.
"Thank God," Ivy blushed.
"Don't touch me!" Zack yelled. "I'm tired of being treated like this!"
"Zack, I..."
"They're getting away!"
Carmen and Becky were heading back into the warehouse after fighting off more reinforcements of the Sol Jer Force.
"They just keep on coming!" cried Becky.
"I knew something was not right with these men," said Carmen. "Becky, I will allow you to use your abilities to the fullest."
"Really?"
"If we don't act, we will get captured--or worse."
A smile drew across Becky's face. She kicked one of the Sol Jers aside and prepared to perform her secret technique.
A blur suddenly struck in the gut, sending her flying into a towering crate of printers.
"Becky!" Carmen cried.
In an instant, Lou Tennant appeared before Carmen's eyes, and in the same manner she kicked Carmen and sent her flying towards Becky. The two females rose up from the floor after struggle and blood-cough, and Lou Tennant stood over them flexing his arms.
"Good job Mister Tennant!" Zack cried as he and despondent Ivy joined up with him. His smiled disappeared when he noticed Tennant's cold stare upon his defeated opponents. Tennant marched up to them and lifted Becky up with his crushing and painful grip on her wrist.
"You caused enough trouble for The Chief and A.C.M.E.," he said. "Since it was your kind who caused his downfall."
Becky cringed and cried. Tennant then stomped his foot on Carmen's injured shoulder, causing it to bleed even more.
"Um, Mister Tennant," said Zack.
"Sir," said Ivy. "There's no need..."
"There's no need?" Tennant snapped. "These people are criminals! They should not be given mercy for breaking the law!"
"This is going against A.C.M.E.'s regulations! Stop this at once!"
"We must teach these vermin, dear Ivy and Zack Lieg, that our tolerance for them has dried up. In a world of international terrorism, crime-fighting is serious business. Not some bowdlerized computer game for ignorant schoolchildren."
"Zack," gasped Carmen. "Ivy... You can't let him..."
Tennant stomped his foot on Carmen's face. "Enough! Sol Jer Force, arrest these two at once!"
A bullet was fired, and Tennant's head was twisted back, forcing him to let go of Becky. As he covered his bloodied eye, Becky quickly recovered her sword, the Shinseiki, and finally prepared to unleash her move.
"You might want to duck Lieg Siblings," she said. "Secret Technique Wolf's Nail Wave!"
She swung her sword horizontally, sending and arcing energy wave that sliced through the Sol Jer Forces, and narrowly missed Tennant, Zack, and Ivy. The men, as it turned out, were cybernetic humanoids, had split apart and spilled blood-like fluids from their vessels. Becky hauled Carmen onto her shoulders and fought her way through more Sol Jer units.
They made it outside, and ran into Contessa, Les, and the rest of the regular agents.
"Dear Goddess, Carmen!" Contessa cried.
"I am all right," said Carmen. "We may have to abort the mission."
"Not to worry," Contessa smiled. "We've already stole an existing shipment direct from a Chinese vessel at the port."
"And the rest of the parts?"
"Software and processors have been accounted for. We narrowly stole enough."
"Very good. Retreat to the underground Wet Mountain base."
The elite agents boarded the helicopter and escaped as fast as they could. During the ride, they were bandaged up by former nurse Les B. Ann. Becky wondered who it was who shot the crucial bullet for their escape, and asked if Les and Contessa were the ones.
"It was not us," said Contessa. "No, it couldn't be."
She stared at Carmine, a.k.a. The Pussy, sitting on top of a black case. Why did The Pussy come along on the mission?
The Wet Mountain base was located by the Rocky Mountain ranges someplace in Colorado. It was underneath a dry plateau, and no one dared to look under.
The battle they won was bitter. They were fortunate everyone escaped after last-minute planning reluctantly drafted by Carmen, who only desired them to use deadly force if necessary. She retreated into her cavern chambers worriedly, with Contessa watching over them.
A long line of reluctant agents stood outside the infirmary where Dr. E. Rogenis, Les, and the other nurses worked tirelessly. Now, one would expect Rogenis to be disappointed like the others. She was the exception, and despite being cut and scared by the blades of the Battle Briefs, she could not wait to probe Anil Probe with her latex-gloved fingers and her tools.
The new elite agents A.C.M.E. had added to their ranks now spread fear and doubt that they had to be taken seriously. These weren't the token multiculturals to compensate for the abundance of Caucasian Agents and the lack of diversity (I mean come on, A.C.M.E. is based in the U.S.). These agents were fearsome individuals that could match up to V.I.L.E.'s best. On top of that, their robotic or cybernetic Sol Jer Units gave the regulars a very hard time. Who knows what new revisions will present?
Jenny Teilia didn't talk to anyone after the incident. She was exhausted after using her powers, but what worried her was that she faced off with the man of similar abilities. Not only that, she hinted it was her brother, but even that relationship was suspect.
Bo Nerr, on the other hand, suffered a severe setback. In the midst of his battle against the hip-gyrating Char Jant, he suffered a reverse-erection and lost his strength. It was never heard of him to do that unless he was with women who lusted after his unique gift (which was one of the reasons why he joined the monastery). He retreated to the chapel reciting prayers with a rosary in his hands.
In no time, The Butch and her assistants assembled a couple of the computers and built a test network. After performing some number crunching tests, they discovered a fatal flaw concerning the Intel Pentium processors, and she announced her findings on the meeting the next day.
"A floating point error?" Carmen said. "That produces inaccurate results?"
"Those sadistic bastards!" Contessa cursed. "I should have known they were up to no good. They must have tipped off A.C.M.E. as well!"
"We do not know that for sure. And besides, we did receive a generous sum."
"And defective computers. We nearly got our butts kicked, and killed possibly, just so we can send an email."
"Unh!" said The Butch.
"I know we can use software to compensate for the errors. But oh the gall of those corrupt companies!"
The elite agents at the long table were silent for a while.
"I say let's use Macs," Becky suddenly announced.
Everyone nodded in agreement.
"Then what should we do with these useless computers we stolen?" asked Les.
After thinking for a bit, Carmen smiled. "I have the perfect idea."
A strange spectacle happened one day during in San Jose during the Worldwide Developers Conference (abbreviated WWDC). Grove, Gates, and Dell would be bragging to their corporate friends on how they made fools of V.I.L.E. by giving them defective equipment, but when an airship appeared over the sky at the VIP room, they glued their faces to the window in shock.
The airship unloaded its contents, assembled computers and its accompanying software. One of the young valet parking attendants, after smoking a joint, looked up to the sky and said, "Dude, it's raining Dells!"
It was rumored though that that kid eventually became the Dell Dude that would grace the company's marketing campaign almost six years later. However, Dell chose a more drugged-out guy from Tennessee, and the valet who inspired the inane phrase filed a lawsuit. It was still pending.
As it turned out, the delivery was the clue A.C.M.E. had been looking for (finally!). After sifting through the manuals and inadvertently discovering the now-infamous Pentium bug, they had finally found the coordinates of Hearst Castle somewhere in the middle of the Indian Ocean. It was in worse shape than usual due to the urine stains, mildew, and mold. All they found on the artificial island, to their sighing dismay, Ben Dover and his wannabe rock group The Fall Guys, which included Ben himself as lead singer and guitarist, Soap Bar on drums, and Butt Buddy on bass.
Some good came out of the incident. Intel was now forced to admit to having shipped defective chips and allowed free replacements to those who wanted it, although it was a low number. Eventually, the Department of Justice would discover the cartel-like control of the Enterprise Triad. Microsoft would then be fined for pressuring computer manufacturers to include their software or else, and Intel and Dell would be investigated for kickbacks and embezzlement.
Yet something darker loomed over the fun and friendly V.I.L.E., and it was visibly seen on Carmen's face. In their cabin the Colorado forests, Carmen mused over the truth that Tennant had inadvertently blurted out. Only Contessa knew such details.
"A.C.M.E. has been moving strangely," said Contessa. "It seems that they are back into full steam."
"No they haven't," said Carmen. "The Chief still needs to be revived. We cannot allow that to happen."
"And our heists?"
"We will still continue them. It is the only way I can think of to combat A.C.M.E. right now."
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