Mother Güse Must Die
Spicy Special #4 - The Crowbar and The Bat
by StarCross
"Is this really all necessary?" Mira asked.
"Of course it is!" Ginger cried. "I had it plated to match my Gingerbat!"
In addition to getting her Gingerbat gold-plated in Japan, Ginger also gold-plated her in-line roller skates, and she was not about to give it a good test run in town that was not Tokyo. Since it was fall, Ginger had to dress herself in a green sweater but kept wearing shorts just to arouse--or mainly to spaz out Mira. Ginger also wore a red cap with buttons.
"Okay, Mira! Here goes!"
Ginger rolled down the hill. Now, this wasn't the first time she rode with (stolen) roller skates. She was having bit of a difficulty since she was in Japan and the fact she forgot that gold tends to weight down stakes themselves. This made her hard to move in anyway except downhill.
Squish! Ginger ran over something. She spun back around when she reached a flat street plateau and climbed up to see a girl stooped over bloodied piece of dog flesh.
"Maromi!" cried the girl. "Maromi! You killed Maromi!"
"Ginger!" Mira yelled after she caught up with them. "I can't believe you!"
"Eh?" Ginger muttered. "I thought you approve of me running over hapless puppies."
"Well, um, this is different. You see, this is just a little girl."
"I hit little girls before you know. And I tell you, little girls are the bane of all evil."
"Bring him back," whimpered the girl. "Bring him back."
"You should at least apologize," said Mira.
"Do I have to?" Ginger asked.
"Just for good measure."
"Okay," sighed Ginger. "Hey there little girl, your Marumi or whatever isn't dead. He's in doggie heaven with Droopy, Scooby Doo, Scrappy Doo, those dogs Burt Reynolds and Don DeLuise voiced in some movie[i], and Doraemon. Okay the last one didn't count. All I am trying to say is... GINGERBAT!"
Ginger whacked the girl hard in the head, felling her unconscious. She fondled her for her purse and mainly money, but only produced a few bills.
"How's that?" Ginger asked.
"It's a start," replied Mira. "We'd better hurry before someone reports us to the police."
"As much as I want to dispose the body to a loli whorehouse..."
They should have because the girl, one Tsukiko Sagi, had quickly recovered consciousness and discovered her pet dog flattened. She told her father, who in turn told the police, and since little girl's testimonies brought media ratings, a manhunt for the vicious teenager known as Shounen Bat, Bat Boy, or Lil' Slugger who rode on golden in-line skates and wielded a crooked golden bat. However, not everyone believed her as the scene of the crime indicated it was a mere hit-and-run car accident, but Tsukiko's father kept on supporting her daughter's possible falsified testimonies.
Usually this kind of story would fast forward a decade or so when Tsukiko would be the lead designer of a Hello Kitty-esque line of plush dolls, with one of them named after her deceased puppy went berserk and tried to take over the world like a grey goo scenario[ii]. But no. As it turned out, they found the assaulter, one Sakura Kinomoto in the nearby city of Tomoeda. The evidence was there: the crooked golden bat, the golden skates, and the "costume" she wore whenever she snuck out in her various "magical" missions. In fact, witnesses say that she was recently seen at that area putting everyone to sleep with a powerful drug or gas agent.
Shounen Bat, Lil' Slugger, or whatever turned out to be a girl. Her father, who had never vented anger, exploded and tried to beat off the police but was arrested himself. Her older brother in high school, Toya, and his effeminate boy--I mean, male friend (and Sakura's crush) pleaded for her innocence. Finally, her friends from school, including the Hong Kongese Syaoran and Meling Li, and the closeted camcorder-wielding lesbian (tribade) Tomoyo Daidouji, arrived to watch Sakura being shoved into the sedan in handcuffs. As Sakura rode to Tomoeda Prison, which she along with the rest of the Tomoedans didn't realize had existed, she was thinking about how could her familiar and the guardian of the mystical Clow Card Book could have missed the intruders.
That was because Kero was eaten. By a dog. Named HLS.
Tomoyo didn't have to tell her CEO mother to send in the army of hot female lawyers wearing dark sunglasses to Sakura's defense, but she was immediately found guilty due to the overwhelming video evidence brought in by an anonymous witness (namely Ginger) of Sakura's potential destruction as a magical girl. Not only that, she was to be executed in five days.
It was probably because of pressure from the United States, for magical girls were classified as weapons of mass destruction (more like weapons of magical destruction). Sailor Moon, Creamy Mami, Winx Club, and Wedding Peach had to flee to the Asia mainland. And so, Tomoyo, Syaoran, and Meiling met up in the Daidouji house to muse over the dreaded news and discuss plans to break her out.
"I don't even know we had a prison in Tomoeda," said Tomoyo.
"Damn you Japanese are barbaric," said Meiling.
"Meiling, that's enough," said Syaoran. "I hate to admit, but I wish we had Kero with us."
"And they took the Clow Cards as well," said Tomoyo.
"But why do they have to execute her? This sounds too fishy."
"Could it have something to do with Clow Reed?"
"No, he wouldn't pull off this shit just to mess with Sakura every episode or so. I say there is another power behind this."
There was a knock on the window. Tomoyo opened it to let in an angelic androgynous bishounen magic being with long flowing white hair and bare feet.
"Yue!" Tomoyo cried.
"Did you find where they are taking Sakura?" asked Syaoran.
The angelic person-man brushed his hair with his feminine fingers. "They already moved her to a white tower. But I have worse news: the time of Sakura's execution... got changed. Hey stop making those stupid faces!"
"Sorry," said the children.
"As I was saying, it's been changed for tomorrow at exactly 2:22 PM. If we must rescue her, now is the time!"
"Those bastards!" cried Syaoran. "Meiling, Tomoyo--you'll have to stay behind as backup. Yue and I will storm the prison!"
"I'm coming too because we're freaking engaged!" said Meiling.
Tomoyo was shaking. She headed over into the closet and came back with three matching black sneaksuit costumes, including a special one reserved for Sakura. She was now holding a crowbar in her hands.
"Tomoyo," said Yue. "Is that a crowbar you're holding?"
Tomoyo grinned sinisterly. "Oh yes. This is my birthday present from my precious Sakura-chan, the Holy Crowbar of Gordon Freeman[iii]."
"You do realize she gave it to you by mistake, though I'm surprised her father didn't miss it from his database."
In one crowbar-swing, Tomoyo broke the table in half. Now she was cackling.
"The four of us are going to storm the prison, rescue Sakura-chan, and then destroy it!" she said. "A prison shouldn't exist in Tomoeda. No, no, no. It does not go well with a city that has all those fun theme parks and other nice places we go on field trips all too frequently."
"Now that you realize it," said Meiling, "we do go on too much field trips in our school, even to those outside the country. Not that I'm complaining or anything."
"Enough talk! The time to puncture skulls is now! Oh, and Meiling."
"Yes?"
"You'll be recording my glorious bloodbath of the homophobic heathens. You will do that, will you?"
"Oh, sure," winced Meiling. "I'll man the camcorder."
"Make sure you get good shots. Or else."
"Okay...."
Little did they know that they were bugged by likes of Ginger, and how and when she did no one would know. She sat in the Internet cafÇ in Tomoeda hacking through various Japanese government networks on the prison the Tomoeda citizens were blissfully unaware of. People were too friendly in Tomoeda, which irked Ginger because no matter she would do they would just smile and bow. In less than twenty-four hours she became mayor purely by accident.
"You're planning to infiltrate the prison to rescue the girl?" Mira asked. "How sweet of you."
"Actually I'm not," said Ginger. "I'm breaking in."
"To get your Gingerskates and Gingerbat?"
"No silly. Do you know those items they confiscated from that house? They actually have deliciously destructive magic powers!"
"The Clow Book, that Star Wand. Yeah I heard of that. You fancy becoming a magical girl?"
"I'm selling it to the black market. Those Arabs need one of their own, despite their anti-female stance."
"Um, yeah..."
"Also, there's a bunch of people in there I want to beat up."
"Whoa, look at the list. I guess for you it'll be a walk-in."
"Not quite. You see, Tomoeda Prison is staffed by an unknown number of former American soldiers and heinous Japanese criminals. The main man running this operation is District Attorney Sôsuke Aizen, with Gin Ichimaru, Kaname Tosen, and wannabe loli Momo Hinamori under his wing[iv]."
"Momo," growled Mira.
"You know her?"
"No, but I don't like it when you take a fancy in other girls."
"In that case I give you permission to rape her."
"Of course. Wait a minute, can't I just kill her?"
"Sure, whatever. In any case, I can't just walk in just because I'm Tomoeda's mayor--not to mention the future Prime Minister of Japan--I'll have to install a puppet when I'm elected. This thing is guarded like a Hitler version of Alcatraz. As a matter of fact, it is like Alcatraz, except it has mazes, walls, hundreds of cannons, being bigger, sinister, and so sharp that you'll poke an eye out just by looking at it. This is Japan's, or rather, Tomoeda's big dirty secret."
"Do you think we should be doing this? Azuma and her wife should be coming back with Hatsumi any day."
"I don't think so since the Angel of Depression saga and Eve Sky are riddled with nasties--which they can take care of quite easily. And besides, the time of Sakura's execution... got changed."
Mira blinked.
"DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUUUUUUUN!"
White was the color of death, and Sakura wore it in the form of a white robe with nothing underneath it. The white-colored Tower of Penance was structured so that it had narrow window slits staring only at the execution grounds that Sakura and two others would be crucified at. It was hollow, for only a spiraling staircase ran up to the top floor along the walls.
Since her transfer here, Sakura had done nothing but sit and stare at the three magical technological pillars. She hardly ate the little food brought in, let alone go to the bathroom. Besides, there were no faucets, a working toilet, and not even a shower. The pre-teen girl was starting to stink.
"Tomoyo," Sakura said. "Li-kun. Meiling. Kero. Big Brother. Yukito. Dad. Mom..."
Sakura heard a scream. She wasn't hearing things, because she was in the tower with two other, if not noisy inmates. Rolling down from the top also dressed in nothing but a white robe was Tomoe Marguerite, whose motion was stopped by the pensive Sakura. Tomoe was previously mentioned in the FMAT (French Maid Aptitude Test) chapter a while back, and was recently arrested for fixing the exam in Garden Rove Maid Academy. She was also charged for various other counts of fraud, corruption, and embezzlement--all tribade related.
"I'm not in denial!" yelled the black woman who pushed Tomoe down.
"Oh, come off it," grinned Tomoe. "Your hidden infatuation for Rebecca Maryland Wolfe. You really do love to beat her breasts! And your problem with your sex drive--you need a woman to please you."
"I don't intend to get into more trouble by having sexual relations with you."
"How about Sakura?"
"She's way too young!"
"And Red Little isn't?"
"Could you keep it down?" said Sakura.
"Look Sakura-babe," Tomoe said as she put her hands on the girl's shoulders. "You should confess your true feelings to Sister Tomoe. You're in love with Tomoyo or whatever."
Sakura sighed.
"Feh. I don't know what's up with these people in Tomoeda. It's like every little boy and girl is in love with an adult or teacher, whichever comes first."
"Why they hell are we discussing this?" Jean yelled as she descended from the steps. "Sakura, we got to plead our innocence."
"I'm innocent too," whined Tomoe.
"No you're not."
"Then how the hell did you get arrested and sentenced to death?"
"Somebody framed me for the gas attack in a movie theater. For God's sake, no one died! They just had diarrhea!"
"I still haven't seen the new Star Wars movie."
"And what's the deal with this prison anyway? There's these three weirdoes wearing all white, a woman who think she's fifteen years old--"
"Hey..."
"--and a bitchy British warden who commands three troublemaking kids who can cast magic that'll make your tongue turn green."
"That's all they could do. I'm sure that Gin Ichimaru guy can talk some sense into the head warden."
"I don't think so. That guy looked pretty shifty with his slit-eyes."
"Typical American racism."
"I resent that! And it has nothing to with my color! And besides, you're American too!"
"To be precise, I'm half Cajun."
"Half Cajun? With a Japanese first name? What the hell?"
"My mother is Japanese damn it!"
Hours later, the man named Gin came by to give the news of his efforts. There were no doors or bars as a barrier, for the entrance to the Tower of Penance was blocked by a magical barrier, and he stepped in with no effort. Even though she didn't trust him, Jean ran along with Tomoe to meet him, as he was her only chance to be free. When they did they were out of breath because they it was a hell of a trip to run down numerous flights of stairs.
Gin did indeed have shifty eyes--or lack thereof. To be exact, it looked liked they were closed. His hair was platinum white, maybe a variation of blond or the result of a bad accident with hair dye. His smile was wide, and it was implied that his former boss cut his cheeks and forgot to sew them up. They say he could catch men's fists easily with his mouth.
"Water?" he asked the girls.
"Gin-baby," said Tomoe. "Did you tell Aizen?"
"Yeah, I did."
"And?"
"I got great news. You're all fucked. Have a nice day."
And he left with the same perpetual smirk on his face. It was then Jean and Tomoe ran after him, but were bounced back by the invisible magic barrier at the entrance. They then fell to their knees, hugged one another, and wailed.
Then quickly they parted, realizing that they didn't exactly like each other and wishing there was running water so they could wipe disgust for one another off themselves.
Japan's Rock, or rather Tomoeda Maximum Magical Security Prison, was located on the southern shores on its own island, and only a drawbridge served as the connection between it and the mainland. The TMMSP seemed to have a silly name at first, but after further research Ginger discovered that a magical barrier had been put up to keep out magical foes and keep in magical prisoners.
Ginger or Mira were magically challenged, which meant that they could sneak in through the underwater tunnels ducts. To add to their defense, each carried a pocket Qur'an or two in their breasts and breast pockets, since Mira believed by the goodwill of Allah they would protect them from the power of paganism and magic. After the mission, Ginger would burn them all after flushing them down the toilet, hurling feces at it, stomping on it, and looking at it at the wrong way--the last of which would be the greatest of all offenses in worshipping the sanctity of the Word of Allah.
But to Mira, Ginger is always an exception to her personal beliefs, even if she was supposedly the offspring of the Darkness.
In diving suits, they dove into the waters and entered through the ducts, sewage by the way. They slough through liquefied feces and floating body parts to emerge in a pool before a mine, which they found it odd that the prison had a mine complete with a roller coaster ride. Mira and Ginger took one directly to the cramped sewers under the showers.
Then they heard gunfire from above, and lots of it. They could hear clearly the massacre of an entire crack squad of Marines who still professed their love for their country despite the constant lies their government told them. I mean, after one or more lies, you'd think they'd learn their lesson? No! People are just happy in being obedient sheep and dogs or apathetic and disaffected ex-college students, which is why Ginger is set to rule the stupid cattle of humanity, hence the entire universe!
Ahem. Mira and Ginger had to wait until the gunfire stopped. The stream of water that ran on the floor was now colored with blood.
When they turned the corner, they ran into two white men, who judging by their looks weren't the Marine type. They were obviously breaking into the prison, as indicated by their sneak wear and the weapons they had on them.
As usual, Ginger hid behind Mira, who drew out her loaded pistol at the two men. One of them looked suspiciously like Nicholas Cage, while the other one looked suspiciously like Sean Connery.
"Who the hell are you?" Mira demanded.
"You speak English?" asked the Nicholas Cage look-alike.
"Obviously," said Ginger. "Are you two here to steal some magical items on Tomoeda Maximum Magical Security Prison?"
"Tomoeda? This is supposed to be Alcatraz!"
"Nope. Tomoeda. We're in Japan."
"That's why those guards were speaking Japanese you doofus!" said the Sean Connery look-alike to the Nicholas Cage character.
"Oh shit," said the guy who looked like Cage.
How did those two men end up underneath Tomoeda Prison when they were supposed to be under Alcatraz? To backtrack many hours ago, a rogue Marine leader (who looked suspiciously like Ed Harris) and his best men stole an array of dangerous nerve-gas-in-balls, and then went over to take over Alcatraz Island off of San Francisco Bay to hold the city and the tourists for ransom against the U.S. Government. So the government recruits the only criminal who successfully escaped Alcatraz, the Sean Connery look-alike John Patrick Mason, to help the chemical weapons expert of the FBI, the Nicholas Cage look-alike Stanley Goodspeed, and a bunch of obedient Marines to break into the infamous island once referred to as Dwayne Johnson--I mean The Rock[v].
However, a temporal vortex in the rift occurred right as they swam in the waters of San Francisco bay, thereby and unknowingly teleporting them to the Sea of Japan. Although they should have known better, they broke into Tomoeda Prison without realizing it, but by sheer coincidence Tomoeda Prison was constructed to be like Alcatraz, but nastier. Mason was fooled, and unknowingly led the dogged Marines to their death, but it would have happened anyway in the movie. Or on Alcatraz.
As for the fate of the Rogue Marines and the tourist hostages... Well, the U.S. Government ordered an airstrike that blew up the island. Luckily, the tourists survived only to file a hefty lawsuit against the tourist board of San Francisco, which resulted in the city being added to the Christian Coalition's List of Liberal Places to Nuke.
But how did the temporal vortex appear in the first place? It was likely caused by Ginger somehow. She's always the cause.
"Great," groaned Stanley Goodspeed. "We failed our mission just like that."
"So this place is Tomoeda Maximum Magical Security Prison," said Mason. "Now that I think about, I also escaped from this place. I guess I got this place and The Rock all mixed up."
"I'll say. This guy here thinks he's the inspiration for James Bond."
"I am. I beat up Ian Flemming back in a day and shagged his fifth wife and his mistress."
"And I must be the inspiration for Ghost Rider. Go figure."
"Mira, could you put them to sleep?" said Ginger. "We gotta go steal stuff in the midst of the execution of a little girl."
"They're executing a girl?"
"Ten to eleven years old," said Mira. "For using magic."
"And they're not doing anything to stop it?"
"I don't see why not. Those are pagan things, so if the 2000 election comes in your country, make sure you elect a President who supports the death penalty."
"A good President is one who kills a lot of people in her wake," said Ginger. "Too bad the Republicans are too Christiany and the Democrats are too pussily. If I were President--"
"New plan," said Stanley. "We're rescuing the girl."
"I'll have to agree," said Mason. "What would my daughter think of me if I let an innocent girl die?"
"Who says she's innocent?" asked Mira.
"We're going to rescue the girl even if you don't help us," said Stanley.
"Yeah," said Ginger. "Go do that. Distract the enemy while make off with the heist."
"Whatever. We'll be on our way."
"I have to warn you though, this place is seeps with spooking magic."
"Care to have a pocket Qur'an to protect you?" asked Mira.
"Nah, we're Christian," said Mason.
"Then piss off then."
So they went their separate ways, with Ginger and Mira going further down the catacomb sewers not to emerge in the all-male shower room (which was currently engaged in a yaoi orgy), nor the all-female shower room (which was currently engaged in a yuri orgy that Ginger would most likely to join in just to piss of Mira), but to the transgendered shower room where, before they entered, Mira pumped the room full of sleeping gas. With the help of some plastic explosives, they exploded out from underneath with weapons and laptop computer drawn expecting a fight, but then they realized they had knocked out the dick girls, vagina boys, and other gender-frankensteins I'd better not mention. As it turned out though, they had been in a transgendered orgy with a transsexual catboy or catgirl thing in the midst of it all.
They beat up the transvestite shower guard, and stole his/her money and card keys to run down the dark dungeon-like halls ignoring the screams and the scary faces of the transgendered prisoners. In no time, they made it to the evidence warehouse that not only contained Ginger's Gingerbat and Gingerskates, but also the Silver Imperium Crystal[vi], the Sword of Light[vii], Excalipur, Dorothy's Red Shoes, the Necronomicon, Nanoha and Fate's Lesbian Ribbons[viii], Rei Ayanami's Sexy Severed Left Arm, and one Death Note. Along Sakura's magical girl Star Wand (keychain-necklace form) and book of collectible Clow Cards, Ginger began pilfering every item she saw into duffle bags and trash bags, and in the meantime Mira held one deadly tranquilizer pistol on one hand and an actual gunpowder-type in the other.
"TRANSMORGTFO!"
A squiggly burst of light struck Mira's guns, and caused the holder to stagger back into towering shelves.
"What was that just now?" Ginger asked. "And Mira, now's not the time!"
Looking at her hands, Mira saw that her guns were now replaced with pistol dildos.
"Heh-heh," said a voice. "Look what we have here."
Descending from above whilst riding flying soiled mops that could have been mistakenly bought from Home Depot or some hardware store all over the world were three forty-something teenage-looking people whose smiles were in dire need of a dentist. One of them was a tall and ungainly orange-haired freckled boy. Another had mossy hair covering an N-shaped scar and wore cracked glasses. The last was a girl with curly hair that was essentially a bitchy know-it-all Mary Sue type, but fortunately she could not match up to the anti-Mary Sue-ness of that of the Great Gingerbread Grrl. All three wore tattered robes covering British school uniforms complete with striped ties, and they wielded three distinct twigs they called wands in the magic world.
"Mira can you take care of them," yawned Ginger as she used Rei Ayanami's Sexy Severed Left Arm to pick her nose.
"With dildo-guns no less," winced Mira. She pulled the triggers, and white viscous liquid squirted from the ends. One whiff of the liquid assured Mira, to her grossed-out displeasure, that this was somehow real semen.
"That's the power of magic homes," said the bespectacled brat on the broom. "Now, will you give up, or shall we cast a spell that makes your tongue turn green?"
"Are you going to turn me into a dildo-gun?"
"That's Hermiphinny's specialty, unfortunately," sniggered the tall orange-head.
"Oh, come off it Rawn," said Hermiphinny, the girl on the broom. "You and Barry enjoyed the toys I made."
"Enough!" cried Barry. "They're getting away!"
Mira had fled from the warehouse and ran down the catacomb halls carrying Ginger with one hand, and carrying the bags of stolen swag in the other.
"Why are you running?" asked Ginger. "I thought you didn't believe in Magic Johnson."
"For starters," started Mira, "I don't want my stuff or your stuff turned into pistol-dildos, and that includes my clothes as well."
"Including your pocket Qur'ans?"
"Not those. Those will be left intact since they are protected from paganism."
"That would mean you'd be naked except for the Qur'ans covering your tits. That would be a sight to see."
Mira slid to halt. She dropped Ginger and the swag so she could strip herself bare. Using the pages of the Qur'an, she stitched up a very revealing Qur'an Bikini using the jacketed books to cover up her nipples and vagina as best as she could.
"How do I look?" Mira asked.
Ginger snickered at the fact that Mira was tricked again. "It's sacrilegious."
"You can gnaw it off once we settle down and have sex."
"FREEZE!" cried the drones of the prison's Mage Corps.
Mira fired both her darts and pistols, but they were bounced or disintegrated by the magic barrier they put up. Some of them turned into doves, butterflies, and semen.
"This isn't good," said Mira. "Even my abilities have limits."
Ginger read the 'How to Use' tag on Rei Ayanami's Sexy Severed Left Arm. "I have an idea. Help me out with this."
They broke into the wood shop and quickly nailed the severed left arm onto a boomerang board. Ginger threw but it didn't go too far.
"You throw like a girl!" Mira cried.
"I am a girl!" Ginger retorted.
Mira picked up the Rei Ayanami Sexy Severed Left Arm Boomerang and hurled it with all her might at the staff-wielding Mage Corps. It passed through the magic barriers and whacked each head of the corps. Right as Mira caught the Ayanami-Arm Boomerang, the Mage Corps suddenly melted into orange goo like syrup and Tang--even smelt like Tang[ix] as well.
"Dear Allah," said Mira. "Is that what that Arm does?"
"I'll use this to make my own brand of drinks," grinned Ginger. "And I shall name it Soylent Cola!"
"So that's what that Hi-C smell is coming from," said Rawn as he entered the shop with the two other wannabe teenagers riding mops.
"Mira!"
"I'm on it!" Mira yelled.
She threw the Sexy Severed Left Arm Boomerang, but the three adult kids dodged it as if they were participating in a quasi amalgamation of baseball and soccer. Using their poles--I mean the ends of their mops--they rammed repeatedly into Mira and Ginger, and sent them crashing into tables and finally into the floor.
"Wands ready," grinned Barry.
"We'll save you girls!" Stanley screamed.
Sympathy got the better of the FBI agent Stanley Goodspeed and escaped convict Patrick Mason when they burst into the woodshop with guns blazing. Barry, Rawn, and Hermiphinny turned their bullets into petunias, whale gut, and popcorn shrimp until the guns clicked in emptiness.
"TRANSMORGTFO!" screamed the wizard-mages. The same squiggly streams of light that ejected from their wands struck both Stanley and Mason and sent them in a wrenching, trembling, and gagging fury, and eventually the spell transformed them into creatures or things so hideous that it could only be seen on Comedy Central, NBC, or in the deep video-broadcasting crevices of the Internet, later renamed YouTube.
Mason was transformed into a fictionalized Sean Connery character played by Darrell Hammond, while Stanley turned into Will Ferrell playing Alex Trebek.
"I'll take 'The Rapists' for eight hundred," said Hammond-Connery.
"That's 'Therapists'," corrected Ferrell-Trebek.
Seconds later, both transformed men hurled two batches of semen from their mouths to the floor.
"Damn it Hermiphinny!" cursed Ron. "Why is that everything you transform hurls out semen?"
"I blame the foursome we had with Drakey Malboroy," said Hermiphinny. "You know I'm trying to get rid of all the metric tons of semen you guys gave me."
They heard a table that was smashed. Turning around using their mops, they say Ginger breathing heavily and angrily, and carrying her golden Gingerbat in one hand.
"You bastards," growled Ginger. "You'll pay for this!"
"And what are you going to do?" asked Barry. "Wet in your pants? Run away?"
"The latter."
In her Gingerskates, Ginger staked off yelling, "Take care of this Mira!"
"Oh, Ginger," sighed Mira.
The three forty-something brats pointed their wands at her and shouted in unison, "MEGADETH!" The squiggly lines of lights struck Mira, but bounced about the room killing all the rats, fungi, and the unlucky janitor who had happened to be there to mop up the Tang-like orange goop created from human bodies.
Mira lowered her shielding arms and opened her eyes, and stared up to the disappointed wizard trio.
"Feh," said Hermiphinny. "She's protected by those pages."
"A Koran Bikini," said Rawn.
"No, I just don't believe in magic," said Mira. "As long as my beloved Ginger has the pocket Qur'ans in her breasts and breast pockets."
"You mean those Qur'ans."
Mira should have realized it when she saw the Holy Books on the floor, as indicated by Rawn, and she should have noticed that Ginger's torn vest, jacket, and shirt that would be exposing jiggling and voluptuous cleavage that swoon a thousand Mira's to their deaths.
"Mmm, Atheist Cleavage," said Mira. "But she might be Jewish... Mmm, Jewish Cleavage."
Mira then realized that the three mop-riding wizard-mages had gone off to pursue the unprotected Ginger. She got up and ran down the catacomb hallways armed with eight poison needle pins in each of her finger. Mira had left Hammond-Connery and Ferrell-Trebek exchanging comedic and vulgar jabs with each other, in which the former made fun of F-Trebek's mama.
Midway, Mira heard a pissing scream, and honed her ears and her feet until she found Ginger cornered into a dead end holding the trembling Gingerbat with her sweaty palms. The three wizard-mages took aim, and yelled out, "MEGADETH!"
The squiggly lines were at it again, and it struck Ginger dumbfounded and slumped to the ground. Mira opened her mouth for a scream of bloody murder, but then Ginger rose to her feet not from the dead, but from being blinded annoyingly.
"Fuck," said Ginger. "What did you do?"
"Impossible!" said Barry. "She had no Korans on her!"
"And she has none of those magical items on her," said Rawn.
"Whatever!" said Hermiphinny. "Just shoot her again!"
They fired again, twice, thrice, and four more times, all the while they yelled out a term for massive destruction from a nuclear weapon or a name of some thrash metal band hailing from the U.S.A. Ginger kept on getting pushed back to the wall but did not fall to her death. Instead, she shielded her eyes due to the flurry of squiggly lights.
"Shit this is annoying," said Ginger. "Mira!"
As evenly as possible, Mira threw her poison needle pins into the three wizard-mages, thereby knocking them to near-unconscious and knocking them off their hovering mops--which crashed into the floor in a wet wooden thump.
Mira then embraced her beloved with kisses, hugs, and a good fondling.
"How is that you survived?" she asked.
"You didn't notice the Necronomicon biting my ass?"
"It bit Ferrell-Trebek's ass, and Hammond-Connery remarked that Robert Mapplethorpe is coming home for dinner or something."
"Then let's just say I am the spawn of the illicit sexing of the tribade Goddess of Darkness and the Goddess of Light."
"Um, sure..."
"We've failed you J.J.," muttered Barry. "Must... tell... Aizen... of our plan."
"Plan?" asked Ginger. "Mira, did you pump these kids with truth serum?"
"Don't know," said Mira. "I had to use what's on me to save you from being blinded."
"In any case, let's see what else they have hidden underneath this rock."
"But I thought you already knew about what lies in this prison."
After stealing their wallets, Ginger collected their wands. She stuck Barry's into his anus, Rawn's through his urethral opening (his pee hole), and Hermiphinny's into... I'll leave that up to your imagination.
"Now then," Ginger grinned sinisterly. "What's the real deal in the execution of this little girl?"
"Sakura Avalon..." muttered Hermiphinny.
"You mean Kinomoto Sakura?"
"Whatever. She's the next successor of the famed wizard Clow Reed, which means she'll have the magical potential to rewrite the world, if not the entire universe. The Star Wand and that book you're thieved serves as a means to focus her powers. Aizen plans to forcefully extract her powers to create an army of magical girls much to the delight of lolicons, doujin artists, and rogue militaristic nations of the world."
"Shit, we got to stop him!"
"So you can save the world?" asked Mira.
"Hell no! I stopping me so I can take in Sakura's power for myself!"
"You know my stance on magic."
"So? You support me in my bid to takeover the world and the known universe."
"But I... um... okay! I will happily assist you in your conquest to take over the metaverse!"
"Good. Oh, and before I forget."
Ginger gave the three wizard-mages a good whack with a bat. Then she went off to "save" Sakura laughing all the way while the devoted Mira followed her with all the love in the universe.
They left Barry, Rawn, and Hermiphinny groaning in their own blood and drool while listening to constant ragging of Ferrell-Trebek and Hammond-Connery.
"I gotta pee," said Rawn.
Priest-like guards in white robes and opaque veils carried forked bistro longstaffs that had cables running to the restraint collars of Sakura, Tomoe, and Jean. Twelve total was divided into three for each prisoner, and they solemnly escorted them in their death march to execution grounds where the crucifixion poles loomed in their prominent view.
At the front gate of the walled execution grounds, Tomoe made one final attempt set escape by knocking Sakura and Jean's guards into a domino effect, and searched them for their keys. There were no keys, obviously, since the cables into her collars were magical restraints that could only be taken off by warden, wherever she may be. Otherwise, it would be District Attorney's job to so.
Four guards beat Tomoe with their bistro longstaffs, and the rest helped the other two prisoners to their feet. Two them from Sakura's group had their veils and shrouds struck off in the scuffle, and to her deadly shock she saw her older brother and his bespectacled effeminate friend.
"Oniichan!" Sakura said.
"Oniichan?" Jean asked.
"It means big brother," said Tomoe.
"And Yukito-san!" Sakura cried. "What are you two doing here?"
"Working," said the tall and rough bishounen Toya Kinomoto.
"Working? Here? Of all places?"
"This is the only job that can pay us for your legal fees," said the gray-haired Yukito.
"And besides little monster," said Toya, "just because you're about to be put to death doesn't mean we can't stop paying the bills."
"So you haven't come here to rescue me?" asked Sakura.
"Unfortunately no," smiled Yukito. "As Mister Ichimaru had said, it's great news, and you're all fucked."
"Have a nice day," said Toya.
The hapless loli Sakura fell on to her knees and let out a screaming wail. It was enough for Toya and Yukito to pat the girl on the head, and also enough for Jean and Tomoe, having finally given up, to roll their eyes.
"Screaming time was over hours ago," said Tomoe.
On the way to the execution grounds, Ginger went through every cell of every prison she knew or just hated on the sight of their face or name and gave them a good whack on the head with the Gingerbat just for being assholes in her mind. She had already finished with whacking the male wing in total record time, and was now halfway in women's wing whacking the likes of Maestro Delphine, Asuka Langley Soryu, Rukia Kuchiki, and Ann Coulter.
She stopped at the last cell, for it was occupied by three familiar side-characters that always happened to be in the wrong place at the right time.
"Gene!" Mira cried. "Kitty Muffet! And whose this woman?"
"I am Doctor Stephanie Stephenson," said the armless yet cybernetically-armed woman. "The world-renowned Gynecologist."
"Dear Allah, you're here with our friends? How did you get arrested?"
"Oh, we didn't love," said Kitty, the London practitioner of Holistic Cunnilingus.
"We were hear to rescue my dear little sister whose name I forgot," said the kooky and black Gene, "but when we entered here we were so amazed by this artistic amalgamation of evil that we forgot what we were doing and decided to give ourselves a tour. Then we got lost and ended up in this jail."
"But why was Jean arrested?" Mira asked.
"That was her name?" said Gene. "Well, it seems that someone framed her for the assault and robbery incidents in Shibuya involving a crooked metal baseball bat."
"So she has," winced Ginger. "I'm pretty sure that closet tribade will finally get justice and be set free by GINGERBAT!"
Ginger whacked the three women, and fortunately none of them became unconscious. But it did create a red mark on their heads. Gene didn't even notice that she was hit.
"We were here to cure Jean's 'problem'," said Kitty. "We're traveling to see a certain voodoo psychologist who graduated from Oxford."
"Silly me," smiled Gene. "I seem to have forgotten where she resided in. But at least we get to see Japan!"
Their moment was interrupted by the sound of grating at the far end of the hallway, where it was darkened due to Ginger's random rampage on light bulbs. The five women turned and saw a beast of epic proportions, though she was merely a child.
She was dressed in all black. Her long black hair reached down close to her knees and restrained down by a crimson hair band. She was around three fight high, almost demonic, and in her right hand was a bloodied crowbar that was towing the warden, J.J. Rollins, via a puncture in her head. Rollins was still alive, yet brutally inconvenienced by the beating and interrogation she had suffered from Tomoyo "the Demonic" Daidouji. Her right eyelid and the right side of her bloodied face twitched as she stared down at her victims.
To everyone's amazement, including her companions Meiling and Syaoran, she lobbed J.J. Rollins into Kitty and Stephanie's arms with her crowbar, and glared at Ginger.
"You," growled Tomoyo. "You have my Sakura-chan's wand."
Ginger hid the keychain-sized Star Wand in her cleavage. "No I don't."
"You have my Sakura-chan's book."
Ginger hid the book under her shirt. "No I don't."
"Tomoyo," said Syaoran. "You really have to calm down."
"You're scaring the shit out of me!" cried Meiling.
Tomoyo didn't listen, for she launched at inhuman speeds to make an attack at Ginger, who parried with her Gingerbat. The full force of the assault increased their backwards speeds due to Ginger's Gingerskates, and the brakes eventually broke off the further they went down the halls. Upon stopping at the corner, Ginger turned tail and ran away with Tomoyo speedily chasing her.
"Ginger!" Mira yelled.
"Damn," said Syaoran. "We gotta stop her before she makes things worse."
"Are you talking about Ginger or that little girl?" Kitty asked in the middle of giving Cunnilingus therapy to J.J. Rollins.
Toya and Yukito did not bother putting on their veils and shrouds as they escorted the walking dead into the execution grounds. Solemnly, they tied Sakura to the crucifixion pole and her elliptical shoulder board, and using the rope system she was hoisted up just like Jean at her right side and Tomoe at her left side.
"Say, you'd tell God to forgive my sins, right?" Tomoe asked.
"Fuck, she ain't Jesus!" Jean cried.
Before all three of them, the execution guards, including Toya and Yukito, planted three extremely long spears onto holes into the ground. Then, the District Attorney Sosuke Aizen flanked by his flunkies Gin Ichimaru, Kaname Tosen, and Momo Hinamori, and all were dressed in stylin' white like the guards, but distinguished by their coolness.
"Since our dear warden cannot be here," smiled Aizen, "it seems that I have to give you last rites."
"Fuck off you magician!" Tomoe cried.
"Well, I got Miss Marguerite's. What about you two?"
"This is an outrage!" Jean yelled. "Contact my assembly?"
"What of you Miss Kinomoto?"
Sakura stared at the cold face of her brother, and the smiling one of her crush Yukito. With no words to say, she just drooped her head and said, "Get it over with."
"Very well," said Aizen. "I shall activate all three Sôkyoku."
"Eh?" said Momo. "We can't do that in this plane of existence!"
"Nonsense young one. These three spears are for show. Tosen!"
"Yes sir!" saluted the blind black man. Tosen then moved around to activate the switch on the tall.
"Tosen, get out of my pants," said Aizen. "The switch is further down."
"I apologize sir."
Tosen was too proud to use a walking stick, and would not do so even after he came to Japan. He resorted to using his fumbling hands that felt many things, including Gin's face, Gin's pants, Toya's face, Toya's pants, Yukito's face, Yukito's pants, etc. After a couple of missteps and inappropriate male-to-male groping, he finally pulled down the lever.
The ground rumbled beneath the three Sôkyoku spears, and concrete trap doors split open to reveal, as if growing or summoned from the Earth were three phallic-looking mechanical and organic monstrosities straight out of the movie Alien or a H.R. Giger painting. The Sôkyoku spears were mounted on the tips, and were aimed straight at the prisoner's chests. The execution weapons were assisted by whirring blades and saws that serve only to make the pain more excruciating and to satisfy guro fans. By then, Jean and Tomoe screamed their heads out, while Sakura patiently waited for her own death in silence.
"Does this have to be done when extracting their magic power?" asked Momo.
"First and foremost," said Aizen, "this is for all the people of Tomoeda, Japan, and the rest of the world to behold, so that no criminal will ever dare to commit a magical crime. Second, we have to reduce them to slush in order to properly extract their magical material. Third, and most importantly, I've made a deal with Willard Max's news broadcaster, so he has an exclusive of this execution."
"But why the other two? They're not exactly magical.
"They are criminal no less."
"Ah."
"And now we shall put on our goggles for the bloodbath to begin."
"I can't see a thing," said Gin.
"Gin, open your eyes," said Tosen. "You ain't blind."
"You're touching my trousers again."
"Sorry."
At the sudden utterance of a crash, Aizen and his colleagues turned around to see a Gingergrrl flying out of a window of the box seat and landed on Jean's Sôkyoku. She climbed up the phallic metal monstrosity to escape from the wrath of a speedy and sinister Tomoyo who doubled her efforts of swinging the Holy Crowbar of Gordon Freeman. There they fought on top in a movie-like climatic duel, sometimes going in slow motion, and sometimes playing that choral song from The Vision of Escaflowne where the heroines main love interests duke it out in their steampunk mechs in unexplained manliness.
"GINGER BAKER!" screamed Jean and Tomoe. "YOU DID THIS TO US! OR ME!"
Hope was regained when Sakura saw her dear friend Tomoyo, even if she was in a murderous rage. Perhaps the rest of her friends, Meiling, Syaoran, Yue, and Kero would be there to rescue her.
"Willard Max here, reporting you live from Tomoeda Maximum Magical Security Prison," spoke Willard on the television. "Just as we were about to get our much needed bloodbath to steal ratings from that Battle Royale show or Survivor, it becomes interrupted by two girls, one of whom is wearing golden skates and the other wielding a deadly crowbar. Who are they I might ask? Is that girl with the golden skates the true suspect of the Maromi Murder? Who's that other girl? Wait, sources tell me that she is the daughter of a conglomeration, and that we've just received word telling us to cease filming immediately. But we shall not! On the line are free speech, sensationalistic journalistic integrity, tabloidism, mass distraction, and..."
A fountain of sake, beer, and then some sprayed onto the screen from the lips of beautifully handsome short-haired Tall, Dark, and Bishoujo who had been house-sitting. Before, her worries had initially gone away when HLS returned after driving a familiar motorbike, and attached to her collar alongside the prosthetic nose of Humpty Hump was note telling Becky Wolfe that things are going fine for Ginger and Mira at Tomoeda. But the dog HLS had been moping around due to indigestion. Apparently, eating one too many magical mascots was a bit too much.
"Oh shit," said Becky Wolfe. "I got to rescue them! Then again, Azuma-sensei did tell me to baby-sit the house while she and her wife are out searching for Hatsumi. And I know what will happen when I leave the house... Cows coming home... Well, Mira's with Ginger, so I'm sure they'll be okay. As long as I have this sake bottle here..."
One inverted flip produced the last drop, and as it turned out that was the last bottle she consumed. In fact, she had drunk all of the alcohol in the house, and even bought out all the ones at the town. She couldn't leave the house, yet she couldn't do it effectively if she was without booze. What to do?
"I guess I'll have to go to Tomoeda, since it's closest," said Becky. "Booze takes precedence, and I could swing by and help out Gingerbrat and Mira. HLS, watch the house."
"Hrm?" moaned HLS.
"And don't go visit that dog again! Not until I come back. Gotta borrow the bike for a while."
Taking the Tsukiseiki and a roll of throwing knives, Becky climbed onto the warmed seat of the bike and rode off.
Tomoyo made one swing that knocked Ginger right off the phallic tip of the phallic monstrosity, forcing her to latch onto the wooden spear itself. It began giving way, and the overload of weight of two girls, both eighteen years and ten years old, was too much for the execution device to handle. Aizen had now commanded the guards with the long bistro forked longstaffs to get Ginger and Tomoyo down, but all they could do was poke Ginger's butt, causing her to yell, "Aw, fuck, my butt!" every time her ass was pricked. There was no way down or no way up, and facing Tomoyo was likely for anyone, be it god or tentacle demon, to be brutally raped and mutilated by crowbar.
"The wand," growled Tomoyo, "and the book."
"Fuck," said Ginger. "I needed the book to shield my ass."
She flung over the Star Wand, and then handed Tomoyo the Clow Book. Tomoyo received them preciously, which then made her murderous frown disappear and be replaced with a cute smile.
"Aren't you gonna help me?" asked Ginger.
Tomoyo was staring at Sakura as if she was going to get raped. "Sakura-chan you look so beautiful in that white robe!"
"Damn it Tomoyo," said Sakura. "Quit ogling and get me down."
"I'll get you down Sakura!" Syaoran cried. He had leapt from Tomoe's murder machine and landed on Sakura's shoulder board of her crucifix. He then pulled out a paper charm written in ancient Chinese, and said these magic words:
"Emperor of Thunder, Answer my--"
Unfortunately he could not complete the incantation as a flying crowbar whacked his head, thereby knocking him off the crucifix pole and eventually landing on Yukito's arms. Unarmed, Tomoyo ran across the wood part of the Sôkyoku, thereby running over Ginger's fingers and causing her to fall into Mira's arms. Tomoyo then jumped right onto Sakura's crucifix and rubbed her face against hers in a loving embrace. Apparently, her murderous streak had only subsided a little bit.
"I'll be the one to rescue you Sakura," grinned Tomoyo. "With this!"
Tomoyo procured yet another product of the Daidouji Company, the pink, smiling, and fatty-winged Grenade-chan--affectionately called by Tomoyo the Sakura Grenade--which she pulled the detonation pin and threw down to the base of the crucifix. After the initial explosion, the pole began teetering backwards until it fell into the execution warehouse where all the items of death were being held. Fortunately, both Sakura and Tomoyo landed in room filled with the Smothering Pillows of Death, a tool executioners use to, um, smother the condemned to death.
Upon Aizen's commanded, the Sôkyoku machines were halted, and this allowed Tomoe and Jean to breath a sigh of relief. However, pandemonium ensured, and the intruders were now being chased by the outnumbering mage guards. Mira, Ginger, Meiling, Syaoran, Yukito, and Toya teamed up right as they were surrounded, but then they realized something was amiss.
"Hey, you're still conscious," Meiling said to Toya.
"What do you mean?" asked Toya.
"It's obvious because you have to be unconscious when we start kicking ass."
"What kind of stupid rule is that? Ow! Who hit me?"
"Sorry Toya," smiled Yukito who held on to a crowbar. "It's got to be done."
"No, I can fight! I have magic power if you don't realize!"
They did not listen. The mage guards of the prison stared at bewilderment as they beat a handsome yet gruff young man to a pulp, and even Ginger joined in for the sheer fun of it.
"Is he out?" asked Yukito.
"He's bleeding pretty bad," said Syaoran, "and his face is all puffed up. Otherwise, Sakura's brother is fine."
"Thank God. Now I can reveal my true form."
Hovering off the ground, Yukito began glowing white-blue, and fortunately it was not gamma radiation. Two angelic wings burst from his back and wrapped around him like a cocoon, and eventually it unfurled and unfolded to reveal a long white-haired and barefoot bishounen seen many pages ago.
"So the back cover guardian has revealed himself," said Aizen. "But where is the front cover? In any case, we still need to extract the magical power from Miss Ava--I mean, Kinomoto, and you and your meddling kids stand in the way."
"You know we took out the Mystery Gang a while back," noted Ginger.
"Tosen! Ichimaru! Take care of them!"
The blind black man and the white-haired guy who had his eyes closed stepped forward and unsheathed their standard-issue yet custom katanas. Tosen's sword, which had an orange handle and a large keyring at the handle, was swung in a circle and created a "skirt" of blade copies around them. He launched them in the air by his command, and had them hail down at his victims. But alas, his blindness missed his intended target, and instead it struck the hapless mage guards.
"Sounds like you missed," grinned Ichimaru. He held his short sword, which was actually a wakizashi, and shouted out, "Shoot Shinsì!" The blade extended exponentially like a shooting whip, but unfortunately like Tosen, Gin was essentially blind since he had his eyes closed and had instead mauled more hapless mage guards instead of the intruders. The effort of curving the ever-extending blade was in vain as well, as it still missed Ginger and the group, who then started to quietly sneak away.
"Why did I take seduce these flunkies to the dark side?" Aizen sighed. "Momo."
"Yes my master," bowed Momo. Also armed with a katana, Momo pulled out her sword and with one press of a switch jitte-like prongs appeared from the blade itself thrice over. Yet that was not the most intimidating sight, for the blade sudden glowed, and Momo sent a hail of pinkish energy blasts by the orb puncturing the ground and punching holes in the walls. Though many hapless mage guards were injured or sometimes killed in the crossfire, Momo's accuracy, due the fact that she was not blind or did not close her eyes, was enough for the protagonist-intruders to disperse and run like hell.
Thus, Ginger and Mira allowed the kids and their winged friend to take care of the raging wannabe loli, although it was mainly Yue who decided to take her on. Yue took to the air and summoned an array of ice crystals that he sent down at his enemy. The attacks were weak, if not futile, yet it proved to be a big annoyance for Momo and the others. Aiming carefully, she shot up Tosen's cloned swords that were stuck on the ground so that it shot up into the air in nail-like pieces. To everyone's dismay, it struck Yue's barefoot, which was his weakness, and he fell onto the ground yelping that his pretty feet that been damaged. It was enough for Meling and Syaoron to roll their eyes and remind their friend once more that he should get some shoes--steel-toed boots perhaps.
One hurl of the Rei Ayanami Sexy Severed Left Arm Boomerang from Mira proved useless as Momo simply deflected over the tall walls and into the sea. Momo was too powerful for anyone to face, as she oozed a dark devotional power like that of Harley Quinn of the Batman fame, except that the evil Aizen was her Joker or something. Worse still was the man Aizen himself was much powerful than his girl-secretary. To challenge him was suicide, and such a fear was convenient enough for him to step out and search for Sakura.
In one roar of a motorcycle's engine, Becky appeared and rammed the bike into Momo, and unsheathed her sword so she could parry against Aizen's sword. At the other hand though, she was carrying many plastic bags of sake, whiskey, and beer that she was protecting from overall damage.
"Becky?" Jean yelled from above. "It's you! You're the one who really did this to me!"
"I want to beat your boobs," Tomoe said with a grin.
"I want to beat your boobs!"
"I want make hot tribade love and marry you."
"I want to... Hey!"
"As usual, I always bail your guys' asses," Becky said to Mira and Ginger.
"That's your job!" Ginger yelled. "As my humble retainer!"
"I'm not your humble retainer?" Mira asked.
"You're my sex slave."
"What did you guys do this time?" asked Becky.
"Oh, we just broke into the most infamous prison in Japan to steal magical shit and attempt to extract magic power from a little girl so I could become a magical girl."
"A sexy magical girl!" Mira added.
"And you're wearing..." said Becky.
"Yes, it's a Qur'an Bikini."
"And after this we're planning on marketing Veda Bras and Bible Thongs!" Ginger added.
"Rebecca Maryland Wolfe," grinned Aizen.
"It's been a while Keyser Sôsuke," said Becky. "Have you forgiven me for destroying the Soul Society?"
"Soul Society?" asked Mira. "Is that some pagan heaven?"
"No, it's a nudist colony of criminals this guy ran just off of Okinawa. And Gackt was one of his underlings."
"Ga-who?"
Becky and Aizen backed away and stared each other down.
"You won't get away this time Aizen," said Becky. "For you've escaped my first rule."
"You Tall, Dark, and Bishoujos never quit, do you?" asked Aizen. "I can see that you have gotten powerful."
"My partner has been reborn. I wield the Tsukiseiki now."
"But it cannot compare to my Kyìka Suigetsu, which is already activated right now."
"So it is. It is possible that I am fighting an illusion, or that I'm not really on Tomoeda Prison."
"One or the other."
"Then I'll have to give it a test then."
The two charged, in one Howling Half-Moon Slash, Becky managed to slice Aizen in half. As it turned out, that was an illusion of his made up of water.
"Behind me?"
Becky turned around and saw him again, but this time he was multiplied many times. She performed her Wolf's Nail Wave and sliced all the copies in half. All of them melted into water, and Becky remained on guard to see where he would emerge next.
After recovering from the fall, Tomoyo patched Sakura and herself up with the Daidouji Medical and Steroid Kit, and wrapped their wounds with the pink-colored Sakura Bandages. Then, Tomoyo insisted, or rather threatened Sakura to put on a strange battle-costume she had brought over.
Sakura was simply flabbergasted at what Tomoyo stitched up. The costume she wore was a black sleeveless leotard covered by a bright yellow jacket and bright yellow baggy pants. Her kneepads, belt buckle, and tiara were of green rubber and had prominent hearts pasted on for full visibility, and her shoes look like painted yellow wooden clogs from Holland, but with white Nike laces.
As with all the costumes she put on her one and only love, Tomoyo took pictures with a digital camera and recorded video on a new digital camcorder, and threatened Sakura to point out her ass erotically as possible.
"Dios mio, Sakura-chan!" Tomoyo moaned. "You look so wonderful!"
"Have I ever told you that you creep the hell out of me?"
"Huh-what?"
"Never mind. Let's go and rescue our friends."
"Sakura!" yelled a voice.
Bursting into the execution warehouse were their friends, bishounen boy Syaoran Li, bishounen androgynous Yue, and useless comic relief Meiling Li.
"My friends!" Sakura cried.
"Let's get out of here!" said Syaoran. "We'll let those people we met take care of the bad guys."
Suddenly, Meiling lunged at Sakura with karate chops and kicks. Syaoran joined in slashing his sword at the magical girl and cast many of his elemental spells from his paper charms. Yue took to the air sending out hails of ice crystals, and sometimes lunged in with finger strikes in a flashy arc. Tomoyo was not the target apparently, and she was now helpless watching Sakura rendered helpless at what to do to her controlled friends. Yet Tomoyo continued recording, for a gored Sakura was still good film material.
"LUNAR CRESCENT CUTTER!"
Milliseconds after that cry, a cutting crescent wave of spiritual energy struck Meiling, Syaoran, and Yue, and revealed their true forms as illusions. Becky, Mira, and Ginger were now before the confused Sakura.
"Where's Aizen?" Becky asked.
"Aizen?" said Sakura. "Where's Tomoyo?"
"That girl being hoisted by Keyser Sôsuke?"
Tomoyo, as it turned out, had disappeared without Sakura's knowledge. She ran outside to see a fleet of black airships that Carmen Sandiego would use in her heists, and each of them were labeled "Menos Grande." Aizen, Tosen, and Ichimaru were being hoisted up via robes underneath the a column of light produced by near-blinding flood lamps emanating from the Menos Grande Airships. Under Aizen's arm was a gagged and struggling Tomoyo held as hostage.
Yue and Syaoran attempted in vain to recover Tomoyo, but the white-uniformed mercenaries countered them with a hail of magical machine gun bullets, some of which went through Yue's bare feet, and some of which narrowly grazed Jean and Tomoe who were still hanging on the crucifixes.
"Another illusion?" asked Becky.
"No," said Yue. "This one's real, and even if we can get past all the bullets we still got Aizen to deal with. He exudes pure malice."
"So what will you do now?" Aizen mockingly asked. "If you dare attack, we'll have this little girl's throat slit--after she's raped and drawn into a hentai doujin or four. If you want to save her though, you'll all surrender, and Miss Kinomoto must come along so we can extract her magical abilities one more time at Mundo Hueco. In California to be exact."
"Don't give into him Sakura-chan!" Tomoyo yelled. "Use that card?"
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