Super-Special Number 03 - The French Maid Aptitude Test
It all started when the famous media conservative Rush Limbaugh was making his usual insults to the Liberal Menace at large during his talk radio when he suddenly clutched his head and cringed in pain. He probably ended on "Liberal Mansy-Pansies," but who the hell knew? He's probably on his third round of offensive adjectives and adverbs that were tacked on to the word Liberal.
"Rush, you all right mon?" asked Thaddeus the Rastafarian Republican Radio Tech.
"Liberal..." Rush muttered.
"Yeah, Liberals are the shitters mon."
"Liberal-Liberal."
"Yeah, Liberals are cock-suckers..."
"Liberal-liberal-liberal-liberal!"
"Now you lost me there."
In the summer of 1999, a mysterious neurological disease have begun to affect right-wing conservatives across the United States of America, especially those who talk a lot on television and radio, and those write books. The symptoms was that every sentence they said included the word liberal, such as:
"Hello-liberal."
Or...
"I liberal-love you."
And the downright odd...
"Would you like liberal-fires with your shake-liberal?"
Even Japanese political conservatives were ending their sentences with liberal in their natural language.
At the advanced stages, the affected will suffer a stroke-like trauma, and then he or she could not say any word other than liberal.
"They said the L Word too many times," lamented paleoconservative Pat Buchanan.
And yet, it somehow became an honor to be affected with the Liberal-on-the-Mind-Ritz Syndrome, for now conservatives, at least in America, now had a secret one-word language they could call their own. Hopefuls who want into to their club tried to say liberal at almost every opportunity but had failed. It was probably because they didn't talk a lot on television and radio and write books.
For the antipolitcal and tomboyish Ginger, who had just beaten up the entire Democrat Convention with her bare hands (much to the twenty-something Becky, the teen yet lolita-looking Red, the Pakistani Muslim tribade Mira, and the Doberman Pinscher HLS's surprise), the time was ripe for her to rip Lib-Ritz victims from their pocket change that ran into the millions.
Thus, she and the gang infiltrated the Christian Conservative Council LLC (which was now pejoratively called the Crazy Conservative Church) as part of the maid staff, as the Council were having a meeting to discuss that women should be regulated to jobs such as maids. To their request, they wanted all the maidservants to be dressed in frilly French maid outfits, which was ironic because they hated everything that was France and had forgotten that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France.
Anyhow, Becky, Red, Mira, and Ginger were prepared to speak the secret language of the conservatives, which was somewhat easy because it was one word--liberal. Like the language of Butcharest as referenced in Wolf Ears, Red Fedora, one word could mean a greeting up to a grand speech made by Julius Caesar. Luckily, Conservative Language was in its infancy and was constantly being developed. It was such a great surprise that the Liberal-on-the-Mind-Ritz victims understood each other perfectly and had doled out their desires to the unaffected subordinates with perfect articulation and accuracy.
The plan was to get the members good and drunk after the speeches, which turned out well. Then, Becky and the girls locked them inside and challenged all of them to a simple word game. Pat Buchanan, who was attending the meeting, declined to participate, and he was constantly getting annoyed by people mistaken him to be afflicted with Lib-Ritz. He knew what Becky and the girls were doing, and decided to stand back and watch them rob the conservative "posers."
"Here is the rules of the game," spoke Ginger in Conservative Language. "My friend Becky will say a word, and you'll say word that is the direct opposite of it. Got it?"
"Liberal-liberal?" said Ann Coulter.
"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, let's go!"
The job was too easy. Ginger and her crew garnered around one hundred billion dollars, a bunch of Enron stock, the Hope Diamond, the living wig of Donald Trump, and Rush Limbaugh's golden medicine case.
Thus, they left and decided to celebrate at a local diner not from the border of Tennessee late at night. Things did not turn right when an army of French maids in black uniforms arrived via troop transport trucks, helicopters, and a few tanks. At first, they thought the maids that were with them at the Christian Conservative Council LLC had followed them, and that they wanted some action with Beck, Red, and maybe Ginger, Mira, and HLS. Yet none of them had that desperate look of sexual hunger or giddy happiness. They were armed with state-of-the-art mono-visors, pistols, and assault rifles. Leading them was a very stern brown-haired maid with braided pigtails, glasses, a black outfit, and a pink umbrella. She burst through the diner with one thrust of her fist on the door, which shattered when it hit the back of bench seat. By then, the diner patrons and the diner staff had escaped, leaving just Becky and her girls behind.
"Friends of yours?" Becky asked Ginger.
By then, Ginger was quaking behind her seat. Then she jumped into the next booth and pointed accusingly at Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS.
"It's them!" said Ginger. "They're the ones behind the plan to rob the Red Republicans! They coaxed me into it!"
Yet the stern maid said nothing. She simply marched over towards Ginger, but Becky, knowing that there was a threat, stepped into her way.
Unfortunately, both her wrists were sprained with one quick one-handed action of the stern maid. She quickly caught up to the fleeing Ginger and held her by the neck.
"Drop it!" Mira cried as she drew out her pistol loaded with a potent poison dart. Red armed herself as well, but Becky staggered forward in front of them.
"Let's listen to what the maid has to say," said Becky.
"But Ginger's in danger!" Mira cried.
Then, the stern maid threw Ginger into the booth seats and pointed her pink umbrella at her, which was actually gun in disguise.
"Ginger Baker of the Baker Lineage," said the stern maid. "I Roberta Cisneros of the Maid Enforcers issue you a warning in violation of performing maid duties without an authentic FMAT certificate."
"Roberta Cisneros," gasped Becky. "The Hound of Florencia? No way..."
"But I only wore the fucking dress for--" started Ginger.
Roberta shoved the tip of the umbrella or gun barrel further into Ginger's face.
"As punishment, you are to report to the Garden Rove Maid Academy in New Orleans to take the exam to obtain your certificate. If you do not comply, we will be forced to detain you, and those who are destined to be French Maids should know that 'she' enjoys detaining the likes of you."
With that, Roberta walked away, but she lingered at the door as she slowly pointed her bespectacled eyes at Ginger.
"I have a message from your cousin Elenore," she said. "She says that if you don't pass the FMAT, she'll suplex you until the cows come home."
Then, she got into her Humvee. Roberta drove off with three other armed maids, and took along the entire force.
"All that for just a warning?" whistled Becky. "Man, these French Maid girls mean serious business."
"This is all your fault!" Ginger yelled. "The fake certificate didn't work!"
"Hello? You're the one who made it."
"It doesn't matter now, because I gotta fucking go over there and take the fucking exam. Shit, why does my cousin have to irritate me so?"
"When does the exam take place?" Mira asked.
"In two days!"
"Then it's decided!" Becky announced. "Team Wolfe shall now go to New Orleans for Ginger's FMAT and Mardi Gras!"
"But Mardi Gras has already passed," said Mira.
"That won't stop me from celebrating."
"In Mardi Gras," said Red, "you give girls beaded necklaces when they show you their breasts."
Everyone, including HLS, stared at Red.
"What?" asked a confused Red.
"Red-cunt," said Ginger, "that is both the smartest and most obvious thing you had said."
Thus, the girls decided to take their destruction--I mean, Ginger to the edge of New Orleans. Mira had to drive mostly since Becky's hands were still sore and sprained from Roberta's kung-fu grip. Although Becky wanted to get drunk off her ass at the main streets of the inner city, the beautiful Garden Rove Maid Academy and its girls were so pleasing to the eyes that she forgot all her booze-related intentions. It wasn't that the girls were sexy. They were just plain cute.
As they arrived at the front courtyard of the main office, they say that younger girls were dressed in red uniforms with white aprons, while the older ones were dressed similarly in gray.
"In this tour guide, the first years are called 'Corals'," said Mira, "while the older ones are called 'Pearls'."
At that moment, Mira became wet and stealth-masturbated as she fantasized Ginger in a cute Coral-class maid outfit. She even started to moan not-so-discreetly as she fantasized Ginger in a Pearl outfit.
"You look like you don't want to be here," Becky said to Ginger.
"Of course I don't," grumbled Ginger. "But Elenore will kick my ass if I don't get a certificate. Fortunately, that's where you guys come in."
"No. We're not helping you."
"I'll give you the swag we got from the Crazy Conservative Church LLC meeting."
"You already pawned those off!"
"Er, I can give you the deed to that Foster's brewery plant in California."
"You already burned it down."
"Come on! Red, HLS, Mira, help me out here."
"How can I?" asked an eager Mira.
"You have to give me coaching tips and most importantly help me cheat."
"I don't know," said Becky as she looked around. "These girls look as if they want to kill--and maybe have sex with me. I'm sure the administration is not something you want to mess with."
"Oh well. I tried. Let's go to the main streets and start our own Mardi Gras."
"Well, I'll agree to that."
All of a sudden, an old and very serious woman in a gray maid outfit stopped Becky and Ginger from leaving the steps of Garden Rove.
"Ginger Baker, I presume?" she asked.
"That's her," said Ginger, pointing to Becky.
"Nice try. Come with me."
The old woman pulled the wailing Ginger by the ear into the building. The suffering of Ginger angered Mira, who then began to draw out her syringe pistol, but Becky nudged her not to.
"But..." whined Mira.
"She's faking, and you know it," said Becky. "And it looks like we could follow her."
And they did. Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS headed into the halls and upwards to higher floors to the principal's office. They were let in by the Pearls and saw that Ginger was sitting across the desk of a long and dark-haired woman, whose nameplate read Principal Natsuki Kruger. The old woman in gray stood by ready to slap Ginger if she made any more sassy and offensive comments. It looks like she had already done so, for both of Ginger's cheeks were red.
"Those college degrees are faked," said Kruger.
"But I don't wanna become a French Maid!" Ginger yelled. "Serving people is for slavs!"
"Have you no pride and honor in your family's namesake?" said the old woman. "You are one of the last surviving members of the Baker clan."
"What about my distant uncle Tom Baker? You know, the most prolific portrayer of Doctor Who?"
"He's not a direct descendant!"
"Your cousin have already submitted the paperwork and paid for the examination fees," said Kruger. "Once your name is on the roster, you cannot back out of it."
"Or else we sick Roberta on you."
The name alone caused shivers within almost all in the room.
"That's not fair," said Ginger. "I didn't take any maid-related courses in this school or elsewhere."
"I am pretty sure that you'll do well given your intelligence and experience," smiled Kruger. "Isn't that right Becky?"
"Indeed," said Becky.
"You know the principal?" asked Mira.
"Let's just say that we're friendly acquaintances," said Kruger.
"In order to take your exam," began the old woman, "you must have your own Pearl-class uniform."
"Do I get the gems as well?" asked a brightened Ginger.
"In your case, no. I don't trust you with it."
"Rotten bitch."
Thus, the old woman slapped up Ginger, causing Mira to cringe. Mira would have attacked the old woman if Becky didn't hold her back.
"Sorry about that," said Kruger. "Miss Graceburt gets very agitated when a student talks back at her."
"Strike three," muttered Graceburt.
"Anyway, the first part of the examinations will begin at 10:10 AM sharp on Monday, as do Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. Get some rest in the meantime."
"Here is your schedule of the items you will be tested on."
Seeing as Ginger was still whimpering on the floor, Mira agitated in general on her crush's suffering, and Becky having sore hands, Red received the lavender folder containing the schedule and all other paperwork concerning the test.
"Oh, I have one more thing to tell you," said Kruger. "Lately, there have been violent incidents that caused many students to suddenly drop out of our school."
"We have already expelled one perpetrator," said Graceburt, "but there is speculation that the true mastermind is still at large. Apparently, she has conveniently disposed of the students with so much fear that none of them want to come back even after repeated solicitations to get them to."
"Thus, allowing her to pass the FMAT with ease."
"Security will be very high during the examinations, but I have to warn you all to be very careful."
Becky and the girls checked into a hotel at the main street at the second floor. Since no Mardi Gras was taking place, Becky spent the rest of the day on their balcony doing her own yelling to pretty female passer-bys to show her their breasts, which they happily did. Beforehand, Becky had used Ginger's dirty money to buy a bunch of beaded necklaces in bulk. Red made some of her own using sharp bottle caps, used syringes, grenades, and razors. Fortunately, those were thrown to mostly ugly and drunk men who (even in the slightest dropped their pants) in order to earn souvenirs from Becky.
On the latest female, Becky was about throw a necklace at her, but instead Ginger beat her to the punch by lobbing off a brown-marble bust of Whoopi Goldberg onto the woman's head. Luckily, the victim was a dirty backstabbing whore, so no harm done...
Of course, that didn't amuse Becky. Thus, yet another public spanking took place, and numerous tourists gathered before their balcony to take pictures.
Then at late night, they all stayed up pouring over copies of the five-day schedule of the exam Ginger was expected to pass. Everyone initially thought it was simple, but were shocked when they actually read the schedule. They had to carefully read over it a third time just to make sure they weren't seeing things.
The schedule went as followed:
Monday
_ Written Test
_ Drink Mixing
_ Food Preparation
_ Hand-to-Hand Combat
Tuesday
_ Makeup Artistry
_ Hairdressing
_ Super Laundry
_ Olympic Cleaning
Wednesday
_ Oral Test
_ Firearms Combat
_ Bondage and Domination
_ The Dirty Old Men Gauntlet
Thursday
_ Hacking
_ War Games
_ Robe Combat
_ The Dirty and/or Psychotic Lesbian Gauntlet
Friday
_ Singing
_ Instrument Playing
_ VIOLA!
"By Allah," gasped Mira. "Becky, we must help Ginger cheat!"
Seeing Ginger smiling happily and evilly made Mira wet again.
"Robe Combat?" asked Red. "Do you fight in bathrobes?"
"That would be something," said Mira. "Still, I don't get what the last test is. 'VIOLA'? With an exclamation mark?"
"Must be saving the hardest for last," said Becky.
"See," said Ginger. "You have to help me cheat. I mean, you and the principal are best buds, right?"
"We're not exactly close friends."
"Becky, I have to agree with Ginger," said Mira. "These tests might actually kill her."
"Or hurt me royally," said Ginger. "A hurt Ginger is a sad and homicidal Ginger."
Becky thought for a moment. "All right. We'll help Ginger cheat. I'll have to smooch with the principal. Figuratively of course."
"Sis, you're the best!" Ginger cried.
With that, Ginger kissed Becky on the cheek, causing Mira to wail in horror.
"What's wrong?" Becky asked. "Did you see a ghost?"
"I almost gave mine out," said Mira. "I think I'll go to bed now."
"At least you've got days to prepare for the other tests Ginger."
"And days to prepare myself for cheating," added Ginger as Mira slipped under the covers of their bed.
"Some of these you can't really cheat in."
"But you can influence some of the judges and the parts of the test."
"I could."
"First thing tomorrow you'll have to get me the cheat-cheat for the written test during the long-ass preparations."
"I'll get Red-chan to help me there."
"Because I'm cute!" Red smiled.
"I can ass my way through the next two. But hand-to-hand combat..."
"Just remember the training we gave you," said Becky.
"Or lack of."
"We gave you ass loads of training! I'm sure that by now you know how to take down a random faceless mook assailant."
"I can only toss midgets! Can't you get me to fight one?"
"I can try."
Mira woke up very early in the morning of the first day of examinations, she had gone out for a quick breakfast and came back right as Ginger finished changing into her Pearl maid uniform.
"Was it good?" Mira asked.
"Er, I don't know what you're talking about," replied Ginger. "But where were you?"
"Getting these cameras. Look."
Mira unloaded her black garbage bag full of stolen and expensive cameras.
"Learning from the master eh?" Ginger smiled. "I can't believe you landed this much swag without causing an uproar."
"I have my methods," grinned Mira. "Now hold still."
The picture taking of Ginger began by the hands of Mira, and continued as HLS drove the girls to the Garden Rove Maid Academy. It got annoying, so Ginger, despite her own internal objections, threw out all of the cameras and caused a nine-car pile up behind them.
The security upon their arrival was tight as they expected, but protecting the campus grounds were not male agents in black suits, but armed and sexy women in black maid outfits--the Maid Enforcers. Heading the security was Roberta Cisneros, who sent shudders to the still-sore Becky and her group as they passed by her nonchalantly as much as possible.
Of course, there many other exam-takers, both from the school and elsewhere, present in their light-gray Pearl maid outfits. With them were their parents or guardians, who consisted of rich industrialists and government officials from many foreign nations. They were prime targets for Ginger's swindling, but alas she could not rob any of them as the hour of the first exam was approaching.
"This is where we part," said Becky. "Once we get the answers, we'll send them to you via Morse code, tap codes, lamp signals, smoke signals, and very loud coughs."
"Regardless, please do your best," said Mira. Without hesitation, she hugged Ginger, who was made uncomfortable by this.
Ginger then joined a chattering group of exam-passing hopefuls outside the primary campus hall. She felt so isolated and annoyed by their gossip that she wanted to punch them square in the faces just for the hell of it.
"You nervous?" asked a girl by her.
Ginger turned around and came face-to-face with a somewhat sultry girl with turquoise hair that was long in the front right side of her head. There was a bit of a devious smile, but right now Ginger assumed her to be a slutty rival.
"Of course not!" huffed Ginger. "Unlike you bitches, I have experience out in the real world."
"Boastful, aren't you?"
"No, I just exude confidence. Unfortunately, it's not really readily absorbable to the likes of you."
"I see then. With you here, this exam might become interesting."
"Damn right it is."
"In any case, I offer you my sincere 'good luck' to you in passing this exam."
"Whatev."
The old woman Ginger had met earlier, Miss Maria Graceburt, quieted down the exam-takers and ordered them to follow her inside the hall. She called out their names alphabetically by last name and seated them in random places in the hall with each one spaced out from each other to prevent cheating. Ginger was the earliest to sit. Eventually, the name of the turquoise girl was permanently etched on her mind as her name was called.
"Marguerite, Tomoe!" Graceburt cried out.
Tomoe, Ginger thought deeply. I'll remember you...
With last girl seated, Graceburt then read off the written test instructions, and Ginger nearly fell asleep. She wanted to sleep, but she knew that Graceburt or the young student-proctors would hit her on the head for doing so. Besides, she was waiting for some kind of sign from Becky and the others to give her. Right now, getting the answers seemed difficult as the many windows were almost shuttered.
Damn it, thought Ginger. The tests are being passed out. How the hell am I going to get the answers?
She received her booklet. Ginger filled out her personal information (including sexual orientation), and soon enough Graceburt announced that everyone should begin.
Though she was not the only one having trouble with the test, Ginger stressed the hell out of herself as she read down the questions, which were sentence replies instead of fill in the blanks, bubbles, or those scantron sheets. Without looking suspicious, she kept on looking around for a sign from her gang, and after a few minutes she declared that she should just ass her way through.
Her stress eased when the questions were easier upon closer reading, and many of them were trick questions. Thus, she cracked her shoulders and just wrote down whatever came to mind, even if they were outright offensive. She blazed through it, and in no time she became the first person to finish, or so she thought.
She brushed uncomfortably against Tomoe's shoulders right at the front table right as they arrived. They parted contact, and turning their noses away from each other they slid their filled up test sheets towards Maria Graceburt.
The two then sat back down in their seats as they were instructed to. Ginger relaxed back and watched as girls that were caught cheating became verbally abusive with some being forced to be beaten down as they were hauled away. Ginger didn't think it was odd that almost one-fourth of the test-takers were thrown out. The more they threw out the greater the chance that she could pass the stupid thing.
Eventually the last, albeit nervous, test-taker turned in her sheet. Once collected, Graceburt cleared her through and announced that everyone should head out to the cafeteria for a ten-minute break. Ginger was the first to run out, but instead of going to the cafeteria, she sneaked her way into the courtyard and found Red and HLS playing with a fat cat with a scar on its forehead.
"Oi, pussyface," Ginger called out.
Red and the cat answered by looking.
"Er, where the hell is Sis?"
"Grandma?" said Red. "She was about to tell me to go to you and tell you that we switched the test questions, and if you got it wrong, she and Mira-Mira will write in the answers for you. You see, Grandma shagged at least one-fourth of the test administrators."
"Right, okay. Look, I'm going to grab a quick snack before I head off to the drink mixing exam."
"Ah! Mira told me to give you this!"
Red handed Ginger a vial of clear liquid that could be dispensed with a dropper.
"What is it?" Ginger asked.
"LDS!"
"Great, we can win the judges through Mormonism you moron."
"Oh, and don't worry about the hand-to-hand combat portion. Grandma, Mira, LHS, and I got you paired up with a short fighter."
"I hope you're right."
Thus, Ginger hid the LSD vial within her person and decided to mingle with the girls with a feigned smile. Immediately, she slipped a few drops of LSD in their drinks and food before their next sub-test, which was drink mixing. For Ginger, it seemed simple enough, but she added a few drops just for extra measure to make the judges think they tasted the best wine.
As for the competing girls she had poisoned with the same drug, they had went blithering crazy and a few foamed in the mouth as they rolled on the floor. Thus, they were hauled off by the student proctors.
The food preparation went the same way as drink mixing. But Ginger could not get her mind off the ever-excelling and smug Tomoe. She almost wished she could have poisoned her, yet Tomoe was not around during the breaks.
Then came the hand-to-hand combat portion. Ginger and the others were made to wear karate uniforms and were sent into the large gym. As expected, Tomoe had ruthlessly beaten her opponent out of bounds and achieved a perfect score. Then came Ginger's turn, and she was nervous because she wasn't in the best physical shape as she could be. She blamed Becky for scaring the shit out of her in the many jobs they had done in the past and the constant spanking. She felt so stringy until her opponent timidly approached the mat.
"You will be fighting Yayoi Alter," Graceburt announced to Ginger.
"Hello," greeted Yayoi.
Yayoi was indeed cute--and short. The fact of that made her Ginger smiled sinisterly.
"BEGIN!" Graceburt cried.
In no time, Ginger threw Yayoi out of bounds three times for a technical knockout. Yayoi was severely bleeding and unconscious by the third ring-out, so points were taken off from Ginger's score for gross inelegance.
"At least I survived," she remarked.
Thus, the next few days went somewhat similarly.
On Tuesday, Ginger assed her way through Makeup Artistry despite the last-minute training on the night before. Of course, she had used Mira's timed-release mood-altering scents mixed in with the makeup to influence the already-influenced judges. Hairdressing, Super Laundry, and Olympic Cleaning went similarly as well, and by then Ginger was dog-tired.
Ginger also assed her way through the oral test on Wednesday, and with Mira's help she took a special breath mint that released a scent that drew favor to Ginger's obtuse and offensive speech. On firearms combat, Red had secretly assisted Ginger by taking position from a far with a sniper rifle that shot disintegrating bullets that vaporized upon impact of the target. Bondage and Domination went well as Ginger was fortunately paired up with a girl of short stature, allowing her to spank her repeatedly much to the judge's delight. Mira felt a little confused to see Ginger spanking someone else, because she was almost always aroused when Ginger's ass was exposed.
Then came the Dirty Old Men Gauntlet, which was one of the toughest parts of the entire exam. Many girls simply failed upon the pinching of the butt from the fingers of the men they were supposed to serve and humor. Ginger, on the other hand, discreetly made them unconscious by slipping them a fake erection enhancement pill in their drinks, and outright slapped one upside the head (who turned out to have a living ferret as a wig). She barely passed that one much to Graceburt and the proctors' disgust.
Later into the night, Ginger declined assistance from her friends since it contained most of the subjects she was good at. However, Red was still confused about "bathrobe combat", and Mira was heavily anxious about the Dirty and/or Psychotic Lesbian Gauntlet.
"If I can deal with you three," said Ginger, "then I can take on entire universe of dirty and psychotic lesbians."
"Should be called tribades," grumbled Becky.
"But what if they, you know, touch you or rape you on the spot?" asked Mira.
"What are you, my wife?" Ginger retorted.
"Well, if you want me to be..."
"I'll ass my way through the gauntlet!"
Mira did not like the way Ginger worded it, and took to drinking non-alcoholic beer for the remainder of the night, unable to sleep.
Thus, Thursday came. Ginger blew her way through the Hacking portion and the War Games, the latter of which she barley passed as she plunged the world into a twice-over nuclear holocaust in the simulations.
Then came the Robe Combat which Ginger and the rest of her gang were eager and anxious to see. Again, Ginger refused any offers that will help her cheat.
"But why?" Red asked. "Are bathrobes that powerful?"
"Yeah," Ginger said with an annoyed smirk. "They're very powerful. Be very excited when you see me kick ass."
"That'll be the first," muttered Becky.
And so Red, Becky, HLS, and a worried Mira sat in the stands and saw into the deep arena Ginger at one end and her dark-haired opponent at the other side. Mira watched through her binoculars and over the railing and saw Graceburt and Kruger standing by Ginger. Kruger then fitted Ginger with a pearl gem earring, and then kissed it.
Mira went ballistic in the insides. She rummaged through her purse for her syringe pistol, but Becky, Red, and HLS restrained her back to her seat.
"That woman..." growled Mira. "She kissed her..."
"Yeah, I know," said Becky.
"She kissed her ear!"
Kruger and Graceburt were gone, but have appeared later at the judges balcony across from Becky and her group. Then before their eyes rose on climbing pillars both Ginger and her opponent.
"They're going to fight on that platform?" Mira asked. "That high?"
Then Graceburt announced, "This session's match will pit Ginger Baker against Nina W†ng."
"Nina W†ng, eh?" Ginger smiled. "I've heard of you being the top of your class. I hear you also like to stroke your father's 'W†ng'."
"Shut-it," growled Nina.
"BEGIN!" Graceburt announced.
"MATERIALISE!"
Through the wonders of not-so-top-secret nanotechnology, a transformation occurred to which Becky and her group momentarily saw a holographic image of a Nina naked and some kind of tight techno armor appearing on her. When it ended, Nina was no longer in her white and gray robe, but some kind of silvery kind they saw in the image. This, however, did not faze Ginger, as she remained smiling sinisterly.
"Put your robe on!" Nina cried.
Unbeknownst to Nina, Graceburt, Kruger, and the rest of the judges and student proctors hurried on to put on their hard hats, elbow pads, kneepads, and chest pads. They even urged all the spectators to put similar safety equipment on.
"All righty then," said Ginger. "MATERIALISE!"
The same transformation sequence was done on Ginger as it did on Nina. Even though she was used to it, the holographic image of a naked Ginger aroused Mira greatly to wetness, and she dearly wished that she was allowed to bring in a camcorder to record it.
However, something was not right with Ginger's new armor, even though it looked exactly like Nina's. She hunched down cackling madly, and her hands were opened up like claws.
"What's so funny?" Nina asked.
Around that time both Kruger and Graceburt hid behind the barrier of their balcony. By that time, Nina finally realized the extent of the dark aura surrounding Ginger.
Boom! A good portion of the arena exploded, thus sending up miles of dusty smoke into the sky. With the dust settled, there was now a hole at the north side created by a long trench. At the beginning of it stood Ginger retracting her hand from whatever powerful punch she threw at the now-missing Nina.
"What have you done to my daughter?" cried a blond-haired main who was running after Ginger. Ginger, in turn, picked up the man as if he were nothing and tossed him into the stratosphere, to which he disappeared into a faint sparkle.
"More," Ginger snarled. "More power! Soon, total domination of the entire world shall be mine!"
Then, suddenly, her armor "robe" disappeared to make way for her gray and white maid uniform. Immediately, she was tackled and perhaps beaten by the student-maid proctors, and one of them threw the gem and earring into Principal Kruger's hand.
"Maria," said she. "Will you do the honors?"
"Certainly," said Graceburt as she flexed her hand.
Immediately, the spectators were led out as loud slaps of hand hitting a hard butt echoed throughout the ruined arena. It took all the strength of Becky, Red, and HLS to haul the anxious Mira out.
"Now they're spanking her!" Mira cried.
"But I spank her," noted Becky.
"That's an exception!"
The Dirty and/or Psychotic Lesbian Gauntlet took place hours later as it was delayed for reorganizing of the dwindled number of exam takers. Becky and her group didn't watch Ginger as they were at a local bar trying to calm Mira down. They returned to the hotel room and waited for Ginger, who slugged into the room with a disgruntled look on her face.
"They didn't, um, touch you or anything?" Mira asked. "If they did..."
"I assed my way through," Ginger replied. "God I'm so fucking tired."
Then Ginger fell asleep longer the usual, which was fortunate because the next portion of the exam started much later on Friday. However, Becky and the others had to bathe her, dress her, and drag her back to Garden Rove or else she would be late.
For the singing test, they changed Ginger into a sexy gown that caused Mira to faint in ecstasy. The half-sleepy Ginger sang a half-assed version of "You Drive Me Crazy" by Britney Spears, but was aided by Mira's special pheromones to influence the judges. For instrument playing, Ginger took the unorthodox route by choosing to play drums, which she learned how to do with competent skill after hours of practice for the Battle of the Mystery-Solving Bands caper a few or more chapters back. It wasn't a perfect performance, but she received a fairly high initial score that allowed her to go on to the final part that would take place one hour later.
To her waking surprise, she was one of two examinees left. She found herself alone with Tomoe in the dressing room who was making an effort to pretty herself up.
"Your friends are having tea with the principal," Tomoe said.
"We're the only ones left?" Ginger asked.
"I have you to thank with your ruthlessness and all."
"Ah, but your subtle cheating helped me a lot as well."
"So you've noticed."
"Not that I care. I just want to get this exam over with and use my gem to become President of the United States and fulfill my dreams of world domination. Or at the very least get my cousin off my ass."
"Is that so? Then I have nothing to worry about then. Let us both pass with gusto."
"I'll toast to that. Er, we don't have any beer and stuff."
"There is a mini-bar down the hall and to the right."
"Thanks."
"Hurry back. The final test is about to begin in thirty minutes."
Ginger ran out of the room and into the mini-bar as Tomoe had noted. The bar, being plain and woody was empty save for the sexy bartender in the hairband named Mariel. Why was there a mini-bar in Garden Rove?
"Damn that Turquoise Bitch," grumbled Ginger as she paced around. "She's gonna knock me off before I get my certification."
Ginger dialed her Motorola flip-phone to get to Becky and the others, but she could not even connect at the weakest signal.
"Shit, what am I going to do?"
The she heard the soft clink of a miniature and trendy teacup hitting its saucer. Off to the corner, Ginger had just realized, was a light brown-haired woman in a light purple or lavender maid uniform. The woman eyes and smile beckoned Ginger over to her table.
"You work here?" Ginger asked her.
"Perhaps," said the woman.
"You must have passed the FMAT right? Got any pointers on how to pass the last part?"
"The last part is always kept secret, unfortunately. Or it changes every year. I forget which. Regardless, I am afraid that I cannot disclose any tips for you."
"Oh. What about potential cheaters?"
"You shouldn't worry about them. The proctors should have caught them by now."
"You're a lot of help."
"Trust me. You'll pass."
"But..."
The woman got up and walked past Ginger. Upon doing so, Ginger suddenly felt her heart racing from the soft titillation of the woman's hair and she could have sworn that the woman tenderly stroked her cheek with her index finger.
"I believe in you Ginger Baker," said the woman.
Ginger was too flustered to follow her. She didn't know why, but something about that woman made her very alluring to Ginger, unlike that of the other tribades she was rooming with. That woman exuded class and nobility that could not be faked.
"I guess I should do my best then," said Ginger. Right as she exited the bar, she came face-to-face with an angry Tomoe.
"What the fuck do you want?"
Promptly, Tomoe socked Ginger in the face.
In the grand theater, Becky, Red, Mira, and HLS sat with principal Kruger at the balcony seat not far from the control room. Below them, the audience consisting mostly of excited teenage girls filled the velvet seats, and behind the curtains, it was assumed, the proctors were setting up the stage although there didn't seem to be a lot of activity.
"Thanks for giving us these seats," said Becky. "Although one of us wants to sit a little closer."
"To be this far from Ginger," muttered Mira.
"I apologize, but we don't want to have any influence during the final test," said Kruger.
"Which reminds me," said Becky. "What does Viola mean? It's a bit cryptic you know."
"Viola?"
"Here."
Becky showed Kruger the schedule Ginger was meant to read. Upon reading the last test, Kruger smiled and almost chuckled.
"Those fangirls at the publishing department," said Kruger. "It's supposed to be a name of a very close friend of mine. I knew I should have sent you a revised schedule, but I couldn't have done so since I was too busy with the examinations."
"Whose name is it?" Becky asked.
"Shizuru Viola--also known as the Prime Shoujophile. I suppose that it is okay to tell you this know, but the rules of the final test is to please Shizuru using all the skills a maid has under her disposal. If one should pass, she'll kiss the candidate. And if she really likes the candidate, she'll do a little more than that... ahem. But don't worry. I firmly instructed her to only give a kiss to the passing candidates. Or else."
Red tugged Becky's sleeve. "Grandma, where did Mira go?"
Becky looked about and saw that Mira was missing. As they searched their balcony, a couple of high-ranking student proctors entered and started whispering disturbing news into Kruger's ear.
"The candidates are missing?" Kruger gasped.
"Miss Kruger!" called out a masculine yet sexy student maid in short dark hair from below.
"What is it Miss Hallard?"
"There is a fight going on in New Orleans!"
"What about it?"
"Tomoe and Ginger are the ones in it, and they're causing massive destruction!"
"Sound's like Ginger all right," said Becky.
"Oh shit," said Kruger.
It was probably the bitch fight of the millennium, despite today being 1999. Out of nowhere, two really evil girls in maid uniforms exploded out of the Garden Rove Maid Academy and involved the entire inner city of New Orleans. Car chases, motorcycle chases, bicycle chases, boat chases, helicopter chases, horse chases, donkey chases, and unicycle chases occurred in epic proportions, causing an unprecedented air, land, and water traffic disaster stretching all the way to New York, Los Angeles, and Brazil. On foot they wrestled with each other in like all evil women do, and threw many things at each other, including chairs, computers, desks, zoo animals, carnival animals, carnival freaks, dwarves, and dwarf prostitutes. The level of destruction was so great that it interrupted a drunken brawl between former wrestler Roddy Piper and black actor Keith David, who had now become appalled by such level of violence demonstrated by Tomoe and Ginger.
Bleeding and bruised, Tomoe and Ginger fought until they reached the levees almost seventy minutes later. Tomoe had slammed Ginger into the inner-wall slope of the levee, and then Ginger scrambled up the levee and reached the road. There, she stood her ground across from Tomoe in a dramatic standoff with the crashing waves of water from the Caribbean Sea seeping into the roadway of the levee.
"I should have known," growled Tomoe. "You're just like all the other fangirls taking the exam. You just wanted get closer to my Shizuru!"
"I'm not even into her you bitch!"
"But she is into you. It took me many years of hard planning and hard work to boot off everyone who is an obstacle between me. That pesky ant girl was a bit of trouble after I tried to burn her with acid, poison her in the jungle, selling off her uniform to a maid fetish store, and tried to get her raped by faceless hentai dudes. I did the same to many others as well, which included them being chased by dirty men bear suits, sending them off to be recruited by the Order of the Rich, Dumb, Whorish and Blond, spiking their curry, pushing them down the stairs, and making them meet that red-haired playboy and that young Indian headmaster from that kooky academy in Japan."
Suddenly, Ginger threw into Tomoe's face handful of dog feces she had found after a stray dog passed by during Tomoe's confession.
"Fuck off," said Ginger. "I don't believe you did those last four. You don't have cunning to pull that kind of shit."
"My face," gasped Tomoe. "My beautiful face. How dare you?"
Then Ginger threw into Tomoe's uniform handful of elephant feces after a stampede of stray African elephants passed by.
"That's it!" Tomoe yelled. "I'm not holding back this time! MATERIAL--"
Tomoe was struck in the neck by an elephant tranquilizer dart, and in no time she fell face forward into unconsciousness. Her fall revealed Mira retracting an elephant gun borrowed from animal control who were trying to catch the stampede of elephants while driving heavy Humvees and heavy semi-trailer trucks, further compromising the integrity of the levees.
"Mira," said Ginger.
"Ginger..."
After a moment of longing, Mira dropped the gun and held out her arms as she ran to Ginger, who was also running towards Mira with open arms. Right as they met, Ginger suddenly pushed Mira into the ground, and then ran to kick and stomp the downed Tomoe.
"Bitch!" yelled Ginger. "Cunt! Bitchcunt!"
Ginger continued to yell "bitchcunt" until a pimped-out white limo screeched to a halt. Bursting from the limo were the maid student proctors who pulled Ginger away from Tomoe's body. Becky, Red, HLS, Kruger, Graceburt, and Shizuru Viola also came out. The stern Roberta, accompanied by her subordinates, of the Maid Enforcers arrived in their heavily armored vehicles to chain up Tomoe and haul her off in one of their prisoner transport cars.
"Finally, we can legally expel this rotten girl and reinstate Miss Sayers," said the elderly Graceburt.
"All thanks to you Miss Rama," Kruger said.
"Me?" said Mira. "What did I do?"
"Since we figured that you'd be close to Miss Baker, who would be in contact with Miss Marguerite at the last test, we have secretly bugged you in order to extract a confession from the perpetrator behind all the blackmail and unexplained student withdrawals."
"But why go the roundabout way? Why couldn't you seduce psycho tribade?"
"We figured that in order to fight off a cunning, psychotic, and evil tribade, we'd have to use another one like her."
"Which is the real reason why we sent Miss Cisneros to bully Ginger into taking the FMAT," said Graceburt.
"Although..."
Kruger turned around and saw that a large fire broke out in the city.
"We didn't expect those two cause this much destruction in seventy minutes," Kruger added.
"I tried to warn you," said Becky.
"You were in this too Becky?" asked Mira.
"Of course. I am a 'friendly acquaintance' to the likes of Natsuki Kruger."
"So all this has been a sham?" Ginger asked.
Almost everyone nodded.
"Heh," said Ginger. "Sham or not, you guys owe me. I want a FMAT certificate, lots of money, some gems, and that unoccupied seat of the Five Columns."
"As much as we appreciate your help, I am afraid we cannot grant your requests," said Graceburt.
"Do you realize the level of destruction you will cause if we gave you the weakest of all gems?" asked Kruger.
"Of course I do!" Ginger replied. "That's why I want it!"
"I'm sorry, but you can't have them. We will, however, reimburse you for the expenses for the exam and travel."
"I want my gems! I want it, I want it, I want it!"
"Oh, let the girl have her gems Natsuki-chan," smiled Viola. "If she is under a proper master, I am sure she won't use the robe's powers for total destruction."
"But Shizuru," said Kruger.
What Viola did to Kruger with her fingers was titillating enough to change the principal's decision.
"Oh, all right," said the blushing Kruger. "I'll give Miss Baker the gems."
Ginger squealed happily. "Shizuru, you're the best!"
With that, Ginger glomped Viola and kissed her long on the cheek. This caused the ever-jealous Mira to have a near-heart attack, and she collapsed to her knees with total heartbreak.
"Gimme gimme!" Ginger cried.
"All right, here you go," said Natsuki as she handed Ginger a jewel box. "Your very own Transparent Pyrite of Purity."
Massive disappointment surged within Ginger's soul when she opened the box to behold two gems of worthless value. Angrily, she threw the box into Kruger's face. Then she picked it up and threw to Graceburt's face, and threw it again into Roberta's face.
"Miss Maria," said Kruger. "Miss Roberta."
"As you wish," said Graceburt.
Thus, Graceburt and Roberta took turns spanking Ginger. Meanwhile, Becky took notice of Mira furiously digging into the levee with a shovel she borrowed from the cleaning crew that was responsible for cleaning the elephant dung.
"Mira, what are you doing?" asked Becky.
"I'm digging a hole to Mecca," huffed the frustrated and mad Mira. "And when I'm there, I'll throw a huge boulder at the three jamarah pillars during the Stoning of the Devil. Then I'll go to The Sacred Mosque to bash my head onto the Kaabah until Allah fulfills my wishes!"
"Isn't that last act sacrilegious? And besides, the Hajj isn't taking place yet."
"I'm making my own pilgrimage! No one can stop me!"
Eventually, the fires have been put out in New Orleans. Air, water, and land traffic have resumed normal conditions. The elephants have been gathered back up, and elephant and dog feces have been cleaned off the levees.
"I wonder if we're forgetting something?" remarked the mayor of New Orleans, as he watched the re-paving of the levees.
Ginger finally got her FMAT certificate, but did not get her two other wishes, which were money and the empty seat of the Five Columns. Ginger threw away the two gems of the Transparent Pyrite of Purity, but was recovered and secretly given to Mira in case Ginger needed to use it in a time of crises.
"Believe me," Viola told Mira. "These gems are more powerful than you think, and Ginger is more powerful than she thinks."
"But why me?"
"From one tribade to another, I know that you deeply care for her."
"I will keep this safe."
Mira knew the risks of the gems' activation as told by Viola, but she was happy that might have a chance to become Ginger's 'master'.
Ginger's butt was so sore from all the harder-than-usual spanking that she could sit down for days. Thus, Mira volunteered her own lap to be Ginger's head pillow during the car ride home.
"Hey Mira," said Ginger.
"Yes?"
"Your crotch smells a hell lot like vagina juice."
"Indeed." Mira became even wetter.
They've decided to drop by at Gene's house on the way back.
With her job further than usual and out of the way of the bus routes, Jean Owen Biggs had to buy a scooter, which as an interim solution of getting another that was destroyed by a falling glass elevator during the second Super-Special chapter. She was now in charge of her older sister's house, for Gene Duo Biggs was out in the wheat fields of middle U.S. to get her name in the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest tribade oral sex daisy chain numbering around one thousand girls (although Jean felt that Gene could have done it with just a hundred girls).
Ignoring the moans of the client coming from Kitty Muffet's room, Jean headed out to the front of the house for her other part-time job. Right before she got on her scooter, a girl in a battle-uniform crashed and obliterated it after bouncing for a quarter mile or so. She was still alive, but gagging hilariously.
Jean allowed the keys to her scooter fall to ground. "I'll just go to bed then."
Right as she entered her room, the roof collapsed right as a man with orange-blond hair crashed into her bed. He was still alive, but also gagging hilariously and bleeding in the head as usual.
"Ouch, my head," said the man.
Jean fell to her knees and began cackling madly. After minutes of laughter, she yelled out:
"DAMN YOU BECKY!"
Just then, Becky and the girls heard right as they stopped at the front door.
"She blames you for everything," said Mira. "In some ways, you are partially responsible."
"I guess I am," said Becky.
"It's that woman still in denial?" said Ginger.
"Oh yeah."
Deviant Hearts Archive | Back to main index